I feel quite disorganized and distracted.  I waver between feeling hopeless and hopeful.

I need to do my best today and not try to look too far ahead because so much about my future in midwifery is uncertain.  From one day to the next, things change, information comes, time passes, and I adapt.

To avoid the rabbit hole, I'm going to slow down, ( Read more... )

I finished reading through my NRP textbook, skimming over the last two chapters on medications and 'end of life' situations.   I am tired and I feel flat.  I've already asked Jack to please handle supper tomorrow night as I may come home and just go to bed for a while.  We were out of town tonight visiting family and just as we drove back into town ( Read more... )

There's been so much talk in the media about H1N1; the deaths, the children at risk, it's scary and crazy-making.  All the pressure and propaganda reminds me of when I was pregnant with Charlotte; so much pressure to make a decision that would be based on fear rather than what my instincts tell me.  I thought that once Charlotte was safely born ( Read more... )

Watching Oprah as she shows clips from her best viewer surprises.  One Josh Grobin fan was surprised with an appearance of Josh, who sang this song to her.

I cried through the whole thing.  It just reminded me so much of how I felt the night before Abby's funeral.

Click to view

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like ( Read more... )

Abby's been on my mind a lot today.  More than usual.   A local three year old blond little girl came in to my work again today.  I tried not to stare, but....yeah.   I look at this litlte girl and try to imagine what Abby would have been like if she had lived.  How long would her hair have been?  How tall would she have been?  What kind of ( Read more... )

I'm obsessed with this song.  I've listened to it over and over again for the past few days.

( Glitter in the Air )

I worked a 7.5 hour shift tonight, without a break.

I had a bag of cheezies for supper.

Some of my customers were too drunk to walk in a straight line.

And I had to clean the bathrooms, twice.

But, it's ok.

Kim managed to look after her little sisters without having to change her original plans dramatically.

I have two new windows in my house, and ( Read more... )

I haven't been to the cemetery in many days so tomorrow I will go.  I still feel her presence there but now that the grass is established and her headstone is in place, it feels like there isn't anything more to do there.  I still sit and push my hand deep into her grass, fighting the urge to dig.  I don't know when (or if ) that will ever go away ( Read more... )

I was the first one to wake up this morning and my first thought was about the girls seeing their easter baskets.  My second thought was about the sparkly foam eggs stuck in Abby's flower vase at the cemetery.  I got up and took pictures of Kim and Julia with their baskets and nibbling chocolate bunny ears, I turned on the radio and then started ( Read more... )

Kim's birthday gift for Julia was the DVD "Brother Bear II".  This song was in the movie and Kim downloaded the song for me and told me it was "a song from Abby".  Such a love.

It Will Be Me by Melissa Etheridge

If you hear a voice
In the middle of the night
Saying it'll be all right
It will be me

If you feel a hand
Guiding you along
When the path seems ( Read more... )