Snuggles, Frustration and Loneliness
I am just back from London after a lovely late afternoon and early evening with emmavescence. I had a great time, but there is some frustration as she's found herself interested in someone else (who looks to be monogamous), so we're being platonic for now.
This comes on the back of not getting to go home with Maria on Saturday night, partly due to her not wanting to kick me out early (but that was moot in the end as I ended up at Slimelight alnight and 'starting my day' around the same time anyway). There's another issue there which we (mainly she) needs to work out, else I'm going to continue being frustrated.
So, yes, frustration. I'm experiencing a lot of it. Let's wind back to just after I previously saw Emma and then Maria. Then ensued the week of the bad tonsil (which was followed by the tail end of that problem and the 5 days of anti-biotics). That week I started feeling very, very, very lonely here in Fleet. On reflection this isn't too surprising. Gone are the days of the wonderful weekly adventures with pogodragon which were good for getting me out and about regularly. I've now been in the flat a little over 5 months and if I'm not going to be social in London I'm doing NOTHING social at all :(. I fail at making any friends here in Fleet.
Yes, it's a great big paradox that I crave social contact with people whilst simultaneously hating too much social contact due to it setting off my anxiety. My anxiety is absolutely, totally, 100%, illogical.
So, why am I still in Fleet? Because I have a buttload of medical stuff going on here, that's why. I have another dentists appointment tomorrow, and a followup next Wednesday, and no doubt more to come as there are at least two other teeth that need work. I saw the physiotherapist for the first time on Tuesday, and see him again a week on Tuesday. I'm waiting to hear of a date for my orchidopexy (the testicle fixing) surgery (that was said to be "in 2 to 3 months" at the end of September). And of course there's the mental health side of things. I've still not heard anything about my next psychiatrist appointment (which should be in early December), nor that a referral has actually happened to the psychological department.
Thus I am 'stuck' here in Fleet at least until the orchidopexy is all done and confirmed ok. The dental stuff, well, if you read UK news you'll have heard that it's very hard to get an NHS dentist. I have one, so moving before I'm in the "come in for 6 monthly checkups" state it would seem stupid to move. I really should stay put until I see the psychologists and they've helped me sufficiently to get back to work. That last one is something I was determined to do this time, but if they take too damned long to even assess me I may have to decide that my ongoing mental health is more important. That would mean moving back to London, where I can more easily get out and be social when able, would be the best move, even if I'm THEN faced with a 18-24 month wait before I can be helped.
In the midst of all this there's the ongoing saga of my lovelife. Things blowing up at the turn of this year. All the angst and drama over that. Then falling lucky with polyamory, having 2 girlfriends briefly, and then suddenly only one again. Thinking I'd found a new second person, but that not working out that way. *sigh*. I really am convinced ladykathryn was correct when I was first pondering polyamory earlier this year. Having more than one partner, meaning a larger support network, and a 'backup' (or two) is a very sensible state of affairs for me. I NEED my snuggles, and lover company and sex. Being deprived of it at all for too long makes me antsy at best and heavily depressed at worse. Thus having 2 or 3 girlfriends at a time (or, hey, if I do meet a guy that I click with, a boyfriend in that 2 or 3 people mix) is the state of affairs (haha) I should aim for.
So, looks like I'll be back in the OKCupid dog and pony show, and anyplace else I think I might meet someone who'll put up with me at least once a fortnight or so.
Given all of this and my falling mental state the last few weeks don't be too surprised if I go all emo and hide away for a few weeks in the near future. I'm not even sure I should endeavour not to. Maybe I need some hiding away time right now.
This comes on the back of not getting to go home with Maria on Saturday night, partly due to her not wanting to kick me out early (but that was moot in the end as I ended up at Slimelight alnight and 'starting my day' around the same time anyway). There's another issue there which we (mainly she) needs to work out, else I'm going to continue being frustrated.
So, yes, frustration. I'm experiencing a lot of it. Let's wind back to just after I previously saw Emma and then Maria. Then ensued the week of the bad tonsil (which was followed by the tail end of that problem and the 5 days of anti-biotics). That week I started feeling very, very, very lonely here in Fleet. On reflection this isn't too surprising. Gone are the days of the wonderful weekly adventures with pogodragon which were good for getting me out and about regularly. I've now been in the flat a little over 5 months and if I'm not going to be social in London I'm doing NOTHING social at all :(. I fail at making any friends here in Fleet.
Yes, it's a great big paradox that I crave social contact with people whilst simultaneously hating too much social contact due to it setting off my anxiety. My anxiety is absolutely, totally, 100%, illogical.
So, why am I still in Fleet? Because I have a buttload of medical stuff going on here, that's why. I have another dentists appointment tomorrow, and a followup next Wednesday, and no doubt more to come as there are at least two other teeth that need work. I saw the physiotherapist for the first time on Tuesday, and see him again a week on Tuesday. I'm waiting to hear of a date for my orchidopexy (the testicle fixing) surgery (that was said to be "in 2 to 3 months" at the end of September). And of course there's the mental health side of things. I've still not heard anything about my next psychiatrist appointment (which should be in early December), nor that a referral has actually happened to the psychological department.
Thus I am 'stuck' here in Fleet at least until the orchidopexy is all done and confirmed ok. The dental stuff, well, if you read UK news you'll have heard that it's very hard to get an NHS dentist. I have one, so moving before I'm in the "come in for 6 monthly checkups" state it would seem stupid to move. I really should stay put until I see the psychologists and they've helped me sufficiently to get back to work. That last one is something I was determined to do this time, but if they take too damned long to even assess me I may have to decide that my ongoing mental health is more important. That would mean moving back to London, where I can more easily get out and be social when able, would be the best move, even if I'm THEN faced with a 18-24 month wait before I can be helped.
In the midst of all this there's the ongoing saga of my lovelife. Things blowing up at the turn of this year. All the angst and drama over that. Then falling lucky with polyamory, having 2 girlfriends briefly, and then suddenly only one again. Thinking I'd found a new second person, but that not working out that way. *sigh*. I really am convinced ladykathryn was correct when I was first pondering polyamory earlier this year. Having more than one partner, meaning a larger support network, and a 'backup' (or two) is a very sensible state of affairs for me. I NEED my snuggles, and lover company and sex. Being deprived of it at all for too long makes me antsy at best and heavily depressed at worse. Thus having 2 or 3 girlfriends at a time (or, hey, if I do meet a guy that I click with, a boyfriend in that 2 or 3 people mix) is the state of affairs (haha) I should aim for.
So, looks like I'll be back in the OKCupid dog and pony show, and anyplace else I think I might meet someone who'll put up with me at least once a fortnight or so.
Given all of this and my falling mental state the last few weeks don't be too surprised if I go all emo and hide away for a few weeks in the near future. I'm not even sure I should endeavour not to. Maybe I need some hiding away time right now.