These past few days, my anxiety has been through the roof. I don't know what's going on, but it just occurred to me that it was around this time last year that I was discovering Francisco watching me. I'm on the verge of a panic attack right now and am trying to stave it off by writing in here. I feel faint ( Read more... )

With all my anxieties about health and love and living (in general), I still have these moments of serenity. In the midst of worrying that my adderall abuse and sleep deprivation from those couple of years did permanent harm, I, for some reason, am having this moment in which life seems okay. Not okay, but beautiful. I'm sitting here in an ( Read more... )

I think I'm done with drugs. Adderall, molly, weed. They all seem disgusting to me now. Last night was very odd, and I'm dreading seeing Adrian on Monday and having to deal with him. That's life, though, and I need to gain some control over my stress and worry and how people affect me ( Read more... )

It's really weird to have my relationship with John without the drugs. I think I'm realizing that I have more of a problem with it than he does. He's been sober for longer than I've been now, and now that we're in a routine of some sort, my mind drifts back to adderall and study days. It's ridiculous. I have to admit, though, it's reassuring to ( Read more... )

I just posted this on a blog. I'll explain it soon, but I don't want to forget it:

Wow. I just did the writing exercise. I live in Brooklyn, so I can't burn the paper. I can tear it up, but I don't think I need to. I'm actually amazed at all the stuff that came out, and it was my first time writing, too.It's private, just for me, but I actually feel ( Read more... )

Jesus, I miss John ( Read more... )

It's been an amazing day. An adrenaline-pumped day. And it goes on...so I don't have much time to write, but thought that I should document at least some of it ( Read more... )

I have to vent because it pisses me off. I can see from their perspective, it isn't a big deal. Especially since it's Mikey's birthday and it's supposed to be about doing what he wants to do (gee, I wonder what that's like?). But yesterday, I offered to take the bus to school (an hour trip including a bus transfer) so i could drive their drunk ( Read more... )