Sobriety and Stress
It's really weird to have my relationship with John without the drugs. I think I'm realizing that I have more of a problem with it than he does. He's been sober for longer than I've been now, and now that we're in a routine of some sort, my mind drifts back to adderall and study days. It's ridiculous. I have to admit, though, it's reassuring to talk with him and have him tell me how much all of that fucked with him, that he wants nothing to do with it anymore...the same way it was reassuring that he thought that Adrian was worthless and confused and that he has a major problem, that he doesn't want to see Adrian anymore, much less spend time with him or go to concerts. I never inspected Adrian so closely, but I realize now, more than ever, that it's true: I wanted to hang out with Adrian because he reminded me of how John used to be. When they met, they had the drug discussion that everyone who's done drugs seems to have at some point-Adrian brought it up-and John ended up telling him how he's done with all of that, that it's not him anymore. Adrian went on a little bit about it, and John got bored.
I realize how much I pushed John now with the adderall. I've been looking for an adderall substitute for awhile now. I told John about it and what I've been looking at. He told me I was welcome to take it, but he isn't interested: That phase in his life is over. It should be over for me, too. I need to drop it. I'm glad I canceled my psychiatrist appointment.
Yet, I miss our study days and late nights. I'm like a child. It's absurd. Those were so calming and happy for me. But we'll make new traditions. We're looking forward to becoming one of those really fit couples. He wants to get fresh produce from a farm share, and we want to plan our meals and work out together. We'll be living less than a mile away from Prospect Park, so I'll get to run there, and he can ride his bike.
Tonight, he's having the night to himself. He just had an interview, and we've spent every minute of the last four days together. I get very attached and don't want a day off from him, which is stupid because I NEED one. I get super depressed without time to myself, and I've felt that happening. He's been taking care of me, and I tend to melt into some infantile state where I just want to be cute so that he'll coddle me. It works, and I should be totally ashamed, since I'm a twenty-six-year-old woman. Oh well.
I really can't wait to move into our apartment. Things will calm down so much. We'll actually be able to cook and relax and get internet and work out. I'll get out to see my friends more, and John will get to see how cool New York really is (it takes getting the fuck out of Fresh Meadows, Queens).
I've been so stressed with going back and forth like this and not seeing my friends as much and not working out or eating good food. My work sucks and having a topsy-turvy living situation has sucked. Opening myself up to people's judgment has sucked, and the weight gain has sucked. I haven't had much time to write or do my music, and I'm super stressed about being ready for Josh's wedding. I feel like I've had to make a choice between everyone in my life and John, in a way, so it's been stressful. My father was hugely supportive of me and pursuing what my heart wants. His email to me made me cry. I miss him so much and want to move back to Colorado. It'll be at least another year, though. John says he'll move wherever I want to go. I love that man. I just need to freaking relax, and everything will fall into place.
I realize how much I pushed John now with the adderall. I've been looking for an adderall substitute for awhile now. I told John about it and what I've been looking at. He told me I was welcome to take it, but he isn't interested: That phase in his life is over. It should be over for me, too. I need to drop it. I'm glad I canceled my psychiatrist appointment.
Yet, I miss our study days and late nights. I'm like a child. It's absurd. Those were so calming and happy for me. But we'll make new traditions. We're looking forward to becoming one of those really fit couples. He wants to get fresh produce from a farm share, and we want to plan our meals and work out together. We'll be living less than a mile away from Prospect Park, so I'll get to run there, and he can ride his bike.
Tonight, he's having the night to himself. He just had an interview, and we've spent every minute of the last four days together. I get very attached and don't want a day off from him, which is stupid because I NEED one. I get super depressed without time to myself, and I've felt that happening. He's been taking care of me, and I tend to melt into some infantile state where I just want to be cute so that he'll coddle me. It works, and I should be totally ashamed, since I'm a twenty-six-year-old woman. Oh well.
I really can't wait to move into our apartment. Things will calm down so much. We'll actually be able to cook and relax and get internet and work out. I'll get out to see my friends more, and John will get to see how cool New York really is (it takes getting the fuck out of Fresh Meadows, Queens).
I've been so stressed with going back and forth like this and not seeing my friends as much and not working out or eating good food. My work sucks and having a topsy-turvy living situation has sucked. Opening myself up to people's judgment has sucked, and the weight gain has sucked. I haven't had much time to write or do my music, and I'm super stressed about being ready for Josh's wedding. I feel like I've had to make a choice between everyone in my life and John, in a way, so it's been stressful. My father was hugely supportive of me and pursuing what my heart wants. His email to me made me cry. I miss him so much and want to move back to Colorado. It'll be at least another year, though. John says he'll move wherever I want to go. I love that man. I just need to freaking relax, and everything will fall into place.