Processing and trying not to sound like an entitled brat

[yeishlitikvah]

There are a couple  things recently going on with my dad's gf.

One
On xmas we went over to Shari's house for a few hours, just to  get together. WHile we were there it occured to me, that my dad and her kids are referring to her as Nikki's grandma. Which was really weird.

Later that nite I found myself crying about it. I don't begrudge her being

Comments

[mindycl]

I was about to write that I'm disturbed that she's moving in because it's halachically wrong. Then I read that your father isn't Jewish? Then it's not a problem. Wow there's so much i dont know about you :). On the pic of them together it looked like he was wearing a kippah, and her name sounds Jewish. So I got all confused. Wow. Your life is a soap opera :D

[yeishlitikvah]

My dad isn't Jewish. Shari is Jewish. His last gf was Jewish.

It's a very funny/weird thing that my dad not being Jewish has been a huge struggle for me, both being frum and even as a secular Jew in the Reform/Conservative movement as a kid/teenager.

Then again I'm the nut who suggested to Shari when she was going through her divorce to also obtain a get. Ironically enough her divorce lawyer, who my dad also used, is an Orthodox Jew, who was more amused that the suggestion even came up.

In terms of halachically being permissable or not, my Chabad Rebbeztein admist my Kallah learning(she's an awesome friend of mine) told me that I have to let my dad live his own life, otherwise he won't be happy and it will cvs ruin my relationship with him as I try to control his life.

[mindycl]

well since your father isnt Jewish these halachas dont apply to him. as for shari, well shacking up with a non jew isnt quite halachically correct, but she isnt religious, so....

yeah ther's really no reason to oppose what he does, it's his life.

[teacup9]

I am always asking my rav and the chabad rav near my parents questions too and for the most part it's kivud av'b'aim to not disprove of their lifestyle in an anti shalom bias way. It is more about making sure you aren't eating food bought by a Jew on Shabbos and that they aren't inadvertently doing other melachos for your benefit. I'm glad because I hate implying that I am telling my parents what to do because technically I am the one that changed, not them, and they accepted me with open arms so I feel they deserve the same support....to a degree.

[debsters1101]

wow i didn't know your mom had passed, I assumed your parents were divorced. When did she die? I think the whole grandma thing is very normal, and I know people in these situations, although usually it's a divorce and the stepmom wants to be called grandma. So what if your mom is no longer alive? if your father is grandpa, then she has every right to be called grandma (IE I assume when Nikki is older you'll want to tell her about your mom. if your dad is grandpa and shari is grandma, then who is your mom? thats probably what's upsetting you, right?) what a lot of people do, so as not to hurt stepmom's feelings, is that stepmom gets a name like "Nana Shari" or "Grandma Shari" or if your dad is grandpa and your mom will be referred to as grandma, shari can can be nana, or oma, or whatever.
just an idea! your feelings are completely normal!

[yeishlitikvah]

(IE I assume when Nikki is older you'll want to tell her about your mom. if your dad is grandpa and shari is grandma, then who is your mom? thats probably what's upsetting you, right?)exactly

[debsters1101]

you are not acting like a 12 year old. you lost your mother and nobody should expect you to get over that... ever. I mean it's not like you're hysterical that your dad is dating... you seem to have a good relationship with Shari, why not take her aside, or even set up a coffee date with her, and explain to her that it has nothing to do with her, but rather with the feeling of sadness over the fact that your mother is not here to enjoy Nikki. and that you do want Nikki to see her as a grandmother figure so you want to ask her what she would like to be called, other than just plain grandma. unless she is the evil stepmother, I am SURE she will understand.

[yeishlitikvah]

I think right now we could call SHari 'micky mouse' (my dad might like that, nevermind) and I'd still be upset. I know it has nothing to do with her.

It took me about 6 weeks to even think about buying something with the word 'grandma' on it. It was a Carter's bib that said 'on the go to grandma' or soemthing liek that. It was less than $1, lol. At that poitn I realized she has Mike's mom, and to avoid all 'grandma' stuff, is that an alienation or denial of my mil who doesn't deserve that.

[teacup9]

Would it help to think of your mom as Nikki's Bubbie or Safta? And when you tell her stories to say "Your Bubbie..." That way grandma is just a word. My dad's girlfriend is "Nana" to her grandchildren so it just makes sense that to EDS she is Nana too and the name makes her feel far away from my mom, Bubbie or even my grandma, Grandma.

[yeishlitikvah]

I think right now we could call SHari 'micky mouse' (my dad might like that, nevermind) and I'd still be upset. I know it has nothing to do with her.

I know my mother would have HATED being called Bubbie. My mom's great-grandparents were Bubbie and Zaidie. My great-grandparents were Nannie and Pop (Poppie).
My grandparents' to me are grandma and grandpa, my grandmother keeps insisting on 'gg' iyh they'll hear Nikki come up with her own name for them.
When I was a kid my grandmother wouldn't allow me to call her Grandma, apparently she didn't think she was old enough to be a grandmother. By the time I was 7 she accepted being called 'Grandma Leah.'

I dislike Grandma for Shari, but I despise more so a child calling a parent or adult by their first name. For the most part I think it's super disrespectful.
Mike has always called his dad by his first name, I only started referencing my dad by his name in the past few years, as an adult.

[teacup9]

Maybe Tante? Many stepmoms have become Tante to the whole family. I am just afraid that if you don't come up with a name for her and start using it, other people will continue to grandma her. I agree that it isn't appropriate for her to use the name Shari or step-grandmother. It's probably awkward for her too, because whatever name she takes on it will probably stick when her kids have kids

[buildin_a_bayis]

I'm sorry Abby. It must be rough to have someone else called Grandma especially when you think 'this should be my mother'