Inviz Blend
Title: Joel’s Epic Senior Year
Author: Um. Me. x-tired-crazy-x
Summary: AU (not related. SRY) Joel crushes on Benji… in epic proportions. The story takes place during their senior year of high school. I know… I’m so creative. Anyways, the whole world is… Wait, no, better than that, the entire universe is working against him. Can they even manage to get together or will evil scheming bitches keep them apart? Who knows? You gotta read it. It’s like a mystery.
Disclaimer: Not real. Never happened. Kind of impossible.
Last Minute Notes: This story is mildly complete. Right now, its over 50 pages. And I’m on the last part. I just felt like getting it up. (Posting it that is.)
Joel Has This Crush...:: Best Birthday Present Ever... Duh:: Fucking Bitch is What the Girl Is
This chapter/part is shorter than the rest but a lot happens. Thanks for all the reviews so far!
I’m not taking any word she said to heart. Really, I’m not! I don’t believe her. She’s a liar. She just wants to break me and Benji up and I’m not going to let her have her way.
Yet still… I find my mind drifting to the past. I excused myself to my bedroom while mom conned Benji and Sarah into making brownies and cookies. Mom questioned what was wrong, but I just told her I had a tough day at school, received yet another sympathetic look from Benji and then rolling my eyes, ran upstairs.
You know before Benji, I could deal with just having this monotonous crush that literally left me achy all over. Drama? I’m not so good at.
After that day, I honestly wanted to kill myself. Talk about an all time low; try having to explain that to your parents… to your step-dad and have him look at you like ‘Oh god, this is my son?’ I could see it in his eyes, the disappointment and the god awful shriek before my mom’s tears. She never wanted me to go back to that school. Honestly, I didn’t either.
What I did then, I do now; walk into my bedroom, make my way to the bathroom then close and lock the door. Just the thought of that day makes my stomach lurch and before I can stop myself, I’m leaning over the toilet, holding my stomach as it empties it’s contents to the porcelain bowl below.
As I’m puking my brain starts to cloud with these thoughts; my mind getting confused at what’s the past, what’s the present… I can feel hands all over me and as another wave of nausea hits me hard, I find myself gasping for breath. I try to catch it, but I can’t and I end up choking as bile builds up in the back of my throat. Now I’m puking, and gasping for air, the gross taste in my mouth is overbearing and oh god, I want to die. There’s hands… those goddamn hands. Just make it all go away.
This isn’t real Joel, this isn’t real! I try desperately to repeat that, but my brain won’t have it. It’s convinced that I’m 15 in the boy’s locker room, and the whole damn scene is running through my head, second for second. I can fucking see it. Hell, I can feel it.
“Faggot face, where’d you go?” asks Ryan’s menacing voice in a sing-song nature. I pull my pants up as fast as I can, scared because I know that tone. I know he’s up to something, and being up to something means doing something is going to happen to me, and I just want to mind my own business. Like that will ever happen.
“Joel!” yells out another voice. This one I’m not so familiar with, but I know it’s another one of the guys on the basketball team. Clarence or some rich-kid name close to that.
I still don’t have a shirt on, but I really don’t have time to because I know I need to hide. I sneak a glance down the row of lockers that lead to the showers… I don’t see anybody so I make a bolt for it just as I hear someone else yell, “I GOT HIM!” Fuck. Shit. Ass. Damn. Fuck. Shit. Ass. Damn.
That’s when the hands come into the picture. A set of arms grab me from behind and wrap around my body in a tight bear hug. I start fighting to get away, frantically throwing my head back… anything. All my attempts seem hopeless though, as I look up and there’s 3 more guys running towards me. I scream out only to be slapped hard across the face. The guy holding me lets go and I fall to the floor, not having expected to be let free.
“Stupid fucking cocksucker…” Ryan sneers and I feel a sneaker hit my bare chest, the rubber not agreeing with my skin and pulling it painfully red. A small noise leaves me and that’s when the second round of hands start up. I decide to keep my eyes closed and let them do whatever. They’re picking me up and dragging me to the back of the locker room. I do fight to get away, but not anything monumental. If I do try and get away, it’s only going to make them want to hurt me that much more. Hit me that much harder.
When they set me down on a bench I open my eyes, but then a foot comes down on my face, forcing me to look to the left while they smush my cheek to the hard wood of the bench. I grimace at the pain, but no one notices. They don’t fucking care.
“You got the shit, man?” asks Clarence or whatever the fuck his name is.
“You think I’d forget it?” comes the voice of the guy who caught me. I let out a small noise of wonder and fear which only gets me a slap on the stomach.
“Shut the fuck up!” I’m warned and I do. I do in fear of my life.
When I notice someone is unbuttoning my jeans, that’s when I explode. My legs start moving everywhere in a feeble attempt to get the fuck away from them, but it’s no use. They’re stronger than me and easily manage to hold my legs down. When I feel hands on my boxers, I’m crying so hard, face still under someone’s fucking shoe.
“Get the fuck away from me. Leave me alone, stop!” I’m begging between sobs and gasps for breath, but it all falls on deaf ears. It’s no use.
“Just do it!” Ryan demands once they’ve got me held down.
I feel a creamy substance on my dick, and immediately want to die. This isn’t happening. Please tell me this isn’t happening. This is all a horrible nightmare and please… tell me this isn’t real.
But the pain I feel about 10 seconds later is fucking real. My dick burns. It burns like it’s on fire and whoever the fuck is holding my hands better let go. The scream that I let out, man, I don’t even know if it’s human, but it scares the fuck out of the guys surrounding me and suddenly everyone lets go. My face is free and my hands automatically go between my legs as I role over and off the bench.
“Man, I think he’s really in pain,” says one of the guys, I can’t even tell anymore, and don’t care to.
“What’d you think was gonna happen?” spits Ryan…
I’m howling in pain, clutching my balls as I scream and sob. I have absolutely no concern for how I look, smushed against gym lockers on the disgusting floor.
“Help me please… someone help me,” I plead pathetically. I can barely breathe and I just put all my efforts into calling for help.
As the seconds pass my dick only starts to burn more and more. What I thought was bad 20 seconds ago seems like nothing and my begging only gets more desperate… and louder.
“Dude, someone’s gotta get him help.”
“I’m not touching him…”
“You just smeared IcyHot on his balls and dick, but you won’t touch him now?”
“Fuck no, look at him? You touch him.”
“Help!” I hold out the ‘e’ for as long as I fucking can, as loud as my voice can possibly get. So long as the word ends in a cough and oh fuck. I must be dying. I’m gonna lose my dick. They’re going to have to cut it off. Maybe it already fell off. That’s how it feels…
“What’s going on?” A deep voice brings everyone to silence. The four boys scram out of the area as fast as they can.
“Help me,” I choke, hoping to god whoever it is can hear me.
“What th- Oh my god!”
Whoever it is that walked in, leaves me for a moment before coming back. I can’t open my eyes, I don’t wanna see who it is, I just want to die. It hurts so fucking bad.
Soft hands with a damp paper towel wipe slowly to clean the substance from my penis. I keep my eyes closed, move my hand aside and let them, silently crying, trying to control the pain. Even though the IcyHot is gone, I can still feel it burning, getting worse and worse. I don’t even care anymore, I must be dying, right?
The soft hands tuck me back in my boxers and button my jeans back up. “Is this your shirt?” he asks.
You’re fucking kidding me.
I know that voice.
Please tell me it’s not him.
Please tell me Benji fucking Madden was not just wiping my dick. My dick that’s in searing pain.
My eyes open only for a moment, but all my suspicions are confirmed. It’s him. It’s fucking him!
I didn’t hear anyone knock on my door… I didn’t notice anyone had busted in. I was peacefully passed out, head resting on the hard tile floor with my mind stuck replaying that nightmare. I guess my mom sent Benji to come and check on me or something… He probably heard the less then pleasant noises I was making and decided he had to come and save me. Again. I feel those soft fucking hands of his picking me up, and I have no energy to fight him- to push him away is what I really want to do. He carry’s me like I’m some kind of baby, and I just stay limp and pathetic and weak because that’s all I am. I don’t know why I ever thought I was good enough for him.
And he’s an asshole Joel! This is all probably some prank that Samara and him have come up with to make my life a living hell. Well guess what? You guys win… I hope you’re happy. I fucking give up. Just give me a gun, and I’ll do it myself.
As soon as my back touches the bed, I roll over so my back is to Benji and draw my legs into my body falling into that very comforting fetal position. The bed dips and then I feel one of Benji’s hands on arm rubbing along it like he’s trying to soothe me.
“What’s wrong?” he asks all concerned and worried. I shrug his hand off of me.
“Go away,” I whisper sternly. My voice isn’t quite there yet or else I’d been screaming it.
“No Joel, what happened?” he doesn’t try to touch me again, but he’s still near me and it’s bothering me. I feel like I’ll never be able to look him in the eyes ever again. But somehow… I do.
I turn over to look him in the eyes and I can only imagine how disgusting my face must look right now.
“Leave me alone, go back downstairs and help my mom,” I tell him, voice cracking and scratching painfully, but I hope he gets the picture. Benji shakes his head.
“Fine Joel, whatever you want,” he whispers. I turn back over and feel his weight lift off the bed. Once I hear the close of the door, I turn back over and start crying again. Crying for my past. Crying for the present and crying because I know I’m going to be alone again in my future.
When I told Benji I needed to talk to him, I can’t describe the look that came across him face. I regretted my earlier thoughts, that he was just tricking me, that him and Samara planned this to ruin my life. I know that was a lie but at the same time, it only made what I had to do harder.
I need to know the truth. And if the truth sucks I’m going to be severely disappointed. But I have this glimmering hope that Benji isn’t whatever Samara said about him. That he’s a better person and no matter what, would never let that happen to anyone. I know there are sick people in this world, and I’m pretty sure that he’s not one of them. I hope. I mean, I know him well enough. Right?
God I hate how easily I second guess myself. And that’s what I’m doing right now while Benji sits on my bed facing me cross legged and concerned.
“What’s going on?” he wants to know, eyes staring at me pointedly.
“Well…” I start wandering if I should beat around the bush or not. “I talked to Samara,” I blurt out. Well that solves that predicament. Benji’s eyes kinda pop out and he cough breathes, “Wait what?” like he must have heard that wrong.
“Well actually it was more like she talked to me… or told me stuff, but either way it made me scared and I need to talk to you about it,” I ramble hoping that somewhere in my head I plan to shut my mouth up before it gets me in too much trouble.
“Did she threaten you? What’d she say?” Benji presses for, leaning forward so he can put a hand on my thigh. I move out of his reach and he furrows his brow.
“It’s not exactly like that,” I explain regretfully. Here goes nothing.
“She told me…” I start but have to pause to take a breath. “She told me… that. That you knew what was going to happen to me that day…” I explain hoping to god that he catches on to what I really mean.
“Huh?” Fuck. He’s gonna make me say it. Asshole.
“She told me you know about the Icy-Hot incident thing. That you knew before it happened…” I tell him. I watch his face intently waiting for him to react. Oh god. Oh please tell me Samara lied.
“I… Well.”
This is it Benji. Tell me that you had no clue. That you heard someone screaming and without second thought found me and became the hero you’ve always been in my eyes. Even if I was way too embarrassed to admit it.
“Kinda,” he says. Kinda. Kinda? What kind of answer is kinda. It’s a simple fucking yes or no question.
“Did you, or did you not know what was going to happen to me before it happened?” I repeat for him speaking slowly and more serious. My teeth are gritted and I didn’t even notice.
“I…”
“Benji it’s a fucking yes or no!” I’m yelling but I can’t help myself. I can’t even think straight right now. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe Samara was right.
“Yes, I did… but I didn’t think it was really going to happen, I didn’t know-“
“Well obviously you thought wrong,” I say cruelly jumping off my bed and grabbing my keys off the side table.
Benji’s trying to say something, but I’m oblivious to it, only hearing the ringing in my ears along with the reverberating beat of my heart pumping blood throughout my body. I turn to him knowing that tears are probably in my eyes, but I don’t care.
“I’m too good of a person to fucking kick you out but don’t be in my way when I get home tonight. Got that,” I tell him shaking my head spastically and avoiding eye contact. Like by not looking at him I can erase him from my memory. Benji chases after me just as my fingers enclose around my bedroom door.
“Joel… Joel you can’t let that break us. We’re good together. That shit is in the past. I thought I was in love with Samara, I didn’t think she was really that evil of a person,” he tries to explain. I shove him away from me and give him and incredulous look.
“Really. Well then if you didn’t know then, but you know now, what were you doing with her after that? After she fucking ruined my life! I couldn’t even do anything about it. It’s not like I could press charges against the jocks- they’d have my ass on a platter in twenty-thousand different pieces before I had the chance to think about telling on them. And then when I found out Samara was behind it, what could I do? Oh yeah, go to the principal and tell them that Samara paid the three of your basketball buddies that I can’t name to rub some cream on my nuts? Because that doesn’t sound three steps dumber than insane? If it weren’t for video cameras, hell, no one would have gotten caught because nobody wants to step forward when the fag nearly gets killed.”
Benji is quiet. He looks guilty, but he fucking deserves it.
“No, because everyone was saying that I got what was coming to me. Did you know that when I finally did come back to school not one person would look me in the eye. Not even teachers, and not even you.”
There’s a pause. I take a deep breath possibly giving Benji the opportunity to speak. For him to have a perfectly prepared speech that bares his soul and totally wins me back. But my life sucks too much to classify for a teen movie drama. So I go in for the overkill.
“I thought I was falling in love with you, but I barely fucking know you,” I sniff. “Fuck you,” I whimper pathetically. “I hate you.”
With that I open the door and step through it only to slam it behind me with anger. Each stride I pierce the ground wishing that each step I take was like an A-bomb because that’s how I feel inside. Like everything just exploded and is somewhere where it shouldn’t be. My ability to breathe resides somewhere in my throat and the pain in my gut has become the ache in my gut. I feel helpless to the situation. I feel like god created me to be miserable and that’s so brutally vindictive of him. What did I do in my past life to deserve a life like this? Can’t I just be happy for once?
But no. The answer is no because I’m Joel. Joel has no friends. The only people that love Joel are his family. Joel is a gay kid who will never get laid and more importantly; everybody hates Joel. Even himself.
I don’t know how I ended up here to be exact. At the fucking movie theater watching some random movie simply because I showed up at the time is was showing. I can relate the darkness of the room to my pathetic life while I watch with envy as couples all around me do ‘couplely’ things and cuddle and kiss and coo and it makes me want to puke. And I almost do when I see two lesbians. Nothing against lesbians, but being a gay man constitutes that I just don’t like the idea of ‘double the pussy.’ One furry moist hole per straight couple is gross enough to me. Thanks.
Joel. Stop being so mean.
Damn me. I need to think straight and rationally. I need to use my smarts. I need to calm the fuck down.
But I can’t. I can’t calm down. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is Benji, my knight in shining armor saving me from the treacherous pain, and then I see him and Samara laughing about it later and pointing at me while they have sex outside on the side of her house while I look out my window and cry. Not that that actually ever happened, but the idea of it is realistic and that hurts me. It hurts me so much that he knew what was going to happen to me and every time I think Benji’s name at least three tears follow it.
Dating Benji meant so much more to me then just having a boy friend. He was the boy of dreams and by having him I was naïve enough to let myself think that maybe any of my dreams could come true. That’d soon enough I’d be looked at like a normal kid instead of some gay nerd that everyone detests. That I would graduate and the student body would applause my name just as much as the kid before me and the kid before him. That my peers would stop to chat with me in the hallways instead of bump into me and slam my locker closed at passing.
I had so many dreams and now I know what they are. They’re just dreams and that’s all they’ll ever be.
By the time I get home it too late for anybody to be awake. I walk on autopilot to my bedroom and fall face first on my pillow. I feel a wetness against my face and realize I’m crying again before I pass out.
Its way passed six o’clock when I sit up quickly and look around. The sun is shining bright because my shades are up which blinds me. I squeeze my eyes shut as a reaction to the light when my mother strides in.
“Oh, you’re awake,” she jerks surprised.
“Yeah, what time is it?” I press a hand over my face and yawn.
“You’re father and I decided you could take the day off. You looked like you could use it.” Shit.
I look down rather guilt laden.
“Thanks,” I squeak forlornly picking at the threading of my comforter.
“You wanna tell me what’s up? You’re father drove Benji and Sarah to school today. Their mother called them and told them to come home yesterday after school. Benji looked like the living dead,” mom explains adding the last bit with a laugh. I nod my head and process the information.
“Oh.”
“Did something happen between the two of you?” she questions like it’s not obvious. I shrug and shake my head.
“I guess you could put it like that.”
She frowns. “Well I’m sure you guys can overcome it, I mean Joel isn’t he your kni-”
“Mom, shut up,” I warn loudly. Then there’s a sharp intake of breath on my side and a very awkward momentary silence. “I mean… I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to say that. It’s just… I don’t know.”
My mother stands up and gives one of her ‘looks.’ “Well I can see you won’t be telling me anything. But if you’re not going to talk to me, you better talk to someone else. Don’t think that me and Steve are just going to let you stay out passed midnight again without any repercussions.”
I meet her eyes only for a moment before I can’t stand it and have to look away. I feel a lump growing in my throat and know that my eyes are beginning to water. Mom takes this as a queue to dismiss herself which I’m quit thankful for.
Kris calls me around 4:30 while I’m lying on my bed, staring at my ceiling. I’m done pitying myself and honestly feel embarrassed about how I’ve been acting.
I answer my phone with a groan.
“Hello?”
“Joel? This you?” Kris’ mildly pleasant voice reaches my ears.
“Yep, it’s me,” I say.
“Sweet, it’s Kris.” No shit.
“Hey, what’s up?” I visibly shrug the worlds out… if that makes any sense.
“Well, quite a lot. Did you hear what happened?”
“I wasn’t in school today and no one calls me otherwise,” I explain being blunt with a monotone voice.
“It has nothing to do with school, it about Benji.” I sit up suddenly interested.
“What about him?” The concern that ties in with each word surprises even me.
“His mom told him and Sarah to come home and then told them that she’s getting married,” Kris passes on the news.
“What the fuck?” I interrupt.
“I know, my reaction exactly…” Kris jokes. My mouth is open and I shake my head disbelievingly.
“What about Benji… what about Sarah?” I question letting my curiosity get the best of me.
“Well Sarah is staying with her friend, Angela and Benji is MIA. I’ve been calling his cell like crazy but he ain’t picking up. Sarah called me to ask you to call. She thinks you may have better luck.”
“Why me?”
“You are his boyfriend,” Kris says like no shit. I stay quiet for a moment too long.
“Joel… you are his boyfriend, right?” Still staying quiet.
“Okay, okay, okay, new question, what the fuck happened?”
Kris isn’t politely requesting this information, he’s fucking demanding it. I sigh into the phone.
“Samara told me something about him. Something that was actually true,” I begin saying. I pause, hoping that that might be enough, but by the way Kris isn’t replying to it, I know I’ve got to go on. “You know about what happened to me two years ago?” Now it’s Kris’ turn to be awkwardly silent.
“If you know and make me tell you, I’ll find you and punch you in the goddamn face.”
“Yeah,” Kris replies in a small voice like if he talks any louder he might offend me. “Benji told me about it.”
“Before or after it happened…” I inquire curious for a moment scared that all of his group knew and just let it happen.
“After… why?”
“Yeah, well Benji knew about it before that. He knew what they were going to do to me because Samara is the one who planned it. He knew what was happening to me in that locker room and yet he did nothing to interfere until I was… I was… it felt like I was dying.”
God, saying this shit out loud is like some kind of therapy I’ve never experienced. Kris under goes a quick intake of breath and gasps. “Are you kidding me?”
“Yeah, I just lied about the entire thing.”
“Holy fuck man. I’m at a loss for words. Are you sure he knew? I can’t… I’m going to fucking ring that girls neck.”
“Don’t,” I warn almost out of habit. “You’ll only make it worse. Trust me.”
“What can be worse than that?”
“I don’t know but I don’t want to find out.” Kris laughs.
“You got a point there.”
My phone beeps and I pull it away from my ear to check it out. Shit. “Kris can you hold on a second, I got a text…”
“Yeah… sure.”
I fiddle around with the buttons surprisingly unfazed by what I find. The cell number is unknown, but I know who it is.
Tell every1 not 2 worry. broke my phone but Im fine @ Kevins. Im sry joel. I rlly am.
I don’t reply to his text, but put the phone back to my ear. “It was from Benji,” I tell him. “He’s at Kevin’s house and his phone is broken.”
“Okay then. You mind if I call you back later. I should probably pass the message onto Sarah,” Kris explains.
“Yeah sure, I’ll talk to you then.”
“Yep and Joel, hang in there kid. You’re a fuckin’ soldier boy,” Kris makes a lame connection to that ‘Soulja Boy’ song, or whatever it’s called. I laugh because I know it’s about superman-ing a whore or something which is totally unrelated. Especially to a gay man, but he’d never really notice that which is why I kinda like him as a friend.
“I will… later.”
“Peace.”
TBC...
The end actually isn't that far away. Please take a second to leave a comment.
Am I really asking for all that much? Thanks for reading!
-Jess
Author: Um. Me. x-tired-crazy-x
Summary: AU (not related. SRY) Joel crushes on Benji… in epic proportions. The story takes place during their senior year of high school. I know… I’m so creative. Anyways, the whole world is… Wait, no, better than that, the entire universe is working against him. Can they even manage to get together or will evil scheming bitches keep them apart? Who knows? You gotta read it. It’s like a mystery.
Disclaimer: Not real. Never happened. Kind of impossible.
Last Minute Notes: This story is mildly complete. Right now, its over 50 pages. And I’m on the last part. I just felt like getting it up. (Posting it that is.)
Joel Has This Crush...:: Best Birthday Present Ever... Duh:: Fucking Bitch is What the Girl Is
This chapter/part is shorter than the rest but a lot happens. Thanks for all the reviews so far!
I’m not taking any word she said to heart. Really, I’m not! I don’t believe her. She’s a liar. She just wants to break me and Benji up and I’m not going to let her have her way.
Yet still… I find my mind drifting to the past. I excused myself to my bedroom while mom conned Benji and Sarah into making brownies and cookies. Mom questioned what was wrong, but I just told her I had a tough day at school, received yet another sympathetic look from Benji and then rolling my eyes, ran upstairs.
You know before Benji, I could deal with just having this monotonous crush that literally left me achy all over. Drama? I’m not so good at.
After that day, I honestly wanted to kill myself. Talk about an all time low; try having to explain that to your parents… to your step-dad and have him look at you like ‘Oh god, this is my son?’ I could see it in his eyes, the disappointment and the god awful shriek before my mom’s tears. She never wanted me to go back to that school. Honestly, I didn’t either.
What I did then, I do now; walk into my bedroom, make my way to the bathroom then close and lock the door. Just the thought of that day makes my stomach lurch and before I can stop myself, I’m leaning over the toilet, holding my stomach as it empties it’s contents to the porcelain bowl below.
As I’m puking my brain starts to cloud with these thoughts; my mind getting confused at what’s the past, what’s the present… I can feel hands all over me and as another wave of nausea hits me hard, I find myself gasping for breath. I try to catch it, but I can’t and I end up choking as bile builds up in the back of my throat. Now I’m puking, and gasping for air, the gross taste in my mouth is overbearing and oh god, I want to die. There’s hands… those goddamn hands. Just make it all go away.
This isn’t real Joel, this isn’t real! I try desperately to repeat that, but my brain won’t have it. It’s convinced that I’m 15 in the boy’s locker room, and the whole damn scene is running through my head, second for second. I can fucking see it. Hell, I can feel it.
“Faggot face, where’d you go?” asks Ryan’s menacing voice in a sing-song nature. I pull my pants up as fast as I can, scared because I know that tone. I know he’s up to something, and being up to something means doing something is going to happen to me, and I just want to mind my own business. Like that will ever happen.
“Joel!” yells out another voice. This one I’m not so familiar with, but I know it’s another one of the guys on the basketball team. Clarence or some rich-kid name close to that.
I still don’t have a shirt on, but I really don’t have time to because I know I need to hide. I sneak a glance down the row of lockers that lead to the showers… I don’t see anybody so I make a bolt for it just as I hear someone else yell, “I GOT HIM!” Fuck. Shit. Ass. Damn. Fuck. Shit. Ass. Damn.
That’s when the hands come into the picture. A set of arms grab me from behind and wrap around my body in a tight bear hug. I start fighting to get away, frantically throwing my head back… anything. All my attempts seem hopeless though, as I look up and there’s 3 more guys running towards me. I scream out only to be slapped hard across the face. The guy holding me lets go and I fall to the floor, not having expected to be let free.
“Stupid fucking cocksucker…” Ryan sneers and I feel a sneaker hit my bare chest, the rubber not agreeing with my skin and pulling it painfully red. A small noise leaves me and that’s when the second round of hands start up. I decide to keep my eyes closed and let them do whatever. They’re picking me up and dragging me to the back of the locker room. I do fight to get away, but not anything monumental. If I do try and get away, it’s only going to make them want to hurt me that much more. Hit me that much harder.
When they set me down on a bench I open my eyes, but then a foot comes down on my face, forcing me to look to the left while they smush my cheek to the hard wood of the bench. I grimace at the pain, but no one notices. They don’t fucking care.
“You got the shit, man?” asks Clarence or whatever the fuck his name is.
“You think I’d forget it?” comes the voice of the guy who caught me. I let out a small noise of wonder and fear which only gets me a slap on the stomach.
“Shut the fuck up!” I’m warned and I do. I do in fear of my life.
When I notice someone is unbuttoning my jeans, that’s when I explode. My legs start moving everywhere in a feeble attempt to get the fuck away from them, but it’s no use. They’re stronger than me and easily manage to hold my legs down. When I feel hands on my boxers, I’m crying so hard, face still under someone’s fucking shoe.
“Get the fuck away from me. Leave me alone, stop!” I’m begging between sobs and gasps for breath, but it all falls on deaf ears. It’s no use.
“Just do it!” Ryan demands once they’ve got me held down.
I feel a creamy substance on my dick, and immediately want to die. This isn’t happening. Please tell me this isn’t happening. This is all a horrible nightmare and please… tell me this isn’t real.
But the pain I feel about 10 seconds later is fucking real. My dick burns. It burns like it’s on fire and whoever the fuck is holding my hands better let go. The scream that I let out, man, I don’t even know if it’s human, but it scares the fuck out of the guys surrounding me and suddenly everyone lets go. My face is free and my hands automatically go between my legs as I role over and off the bench.
“Man, I think he’s really in pain,” says one of the guys, I can’t even tell anymore, and don’t care to.
“What’d you think was gonna happen?” spits Ryan…
I’m howling in pain, clutching my balls as I scream and sob. I have absolutely no concern for how I look, smushed against gym lockers on the disgusting floor.
“Help me please… someone help me,” I plead pathetically. I can barely breathe and I just put all my efforts into calling for help.
As the seconds pass my dick only starts to burn more and more. What I thought was bad 20 seconds ago seems like nothing and my begging only gets more desperate… and louder.
“Dude, someone’s gotta get him help.”
“I’m not touching him…”
“You just smeared IcyHot on his balls and dick, but you won’t touch him now?”
“Fuck no, look at him? You touch him.”
“Help!” I hold out the ‘e’ for as long as I fucking can, as loud as my voice can possibly get. So long as the word ends in a cough and oh fuck. I must be dying. I’m gonna lose my dick. They’re going to have to cut it off. Maybe it already fell off. That’s how it feels…
“What’s going on?” A deep voice brings everyone to silence. The four boys scram out of the area as fast as they can.
“Help me,” I choke, hoping to god whoever it is can hear me.
“What th- Oh my god!”
Whoever it is that walked in, leaves me for a moment before coming back. I can’t open my eyes, I don’t wanna see who it is, I just want to die. It hurts so fucking bad.
Soft hands with a damp paper towel wipe slowly to clean the substance from my penis. I keep my eyes closed, move my hand aside and let them, silently crying, trying to control the pain. Even though the IcyHot is gone, I can still feel it burning, getting worse and worse. I don’t even care anymore, I must be dying, right?
The soft hands tuck me back in my boxers and button my jeans back up. “Is this your shirt?” he asks.
You’re fucking kidding me.
I know that voice.
Please tell me it’s not him.
Please tell me Benji fucking Madden was not just wiping my dick. My dick that’s in searing pain.
My eyes open only for a moment, but all my suspicions are confirmed. It’s him. It’s fucking him!
I didn’t hear anyone knock on my door… I didn’t notice anyone had busted in. I was peacefully passed out, head resting on the hard tile floor with my mind stuck replaying that nightmare. I guess my mom sent Benji to come and check on me or something… He probably heard the less then pleasant noises I was making and decided he had to come and save me. Again. I feel those soft fucking hands of his picking me up, and I have no energy to fight him- to push him away is what I really want to do. He carry’s me like I’m some kind of baby, and I just stay limp and pathetic and weak because that’s all I am. I don’t know why I ever thought I was good enough for him.
And he’s an asshole Joel! This is all probably some prank that Samara and him have come up with to make my life a living hell. Well guess what? You guys win… I hope you’re happy. I fucking give up. Just give me a gun, and I’ll do it myself.
As soon as my back touches the bed, I roll over so my back is to Benji and draw my legs into my body falling into that very comforting fetal position. The bed dips and then I feel one of Benji’s hands on arm rubbing along it like he’s trying to soothe me.
“What’s wrong?” he asks all concerned and worried. I shrug his hand off of me.
“Go away,” I whisper sternly. My voice isn’t quite there yet or else I’d been screaming it.
“No Joel, what happened?” he doesn’t try to touch me again, but he’s still near me and it’s bothering me. I feel like I’ll never be able to look him in the eyes ever again. But somehow… I do.
I turn over to look him in the eyes and I can only imagine how disgusting my face must look right now.
“Leave me alone, go back downstairs and help my mom,” I tell him, voice cracking and scratching painfully, but I hope he gets the picture. Benji shakes his head.
“Fine Joel, whatever you want,” he whispers. I turn back over and feel his weight lift off the bed. Once I hear the close of the door, I turn back over and start crying again. Crying for my past. Crying for the present and crying because I know I’m going to be alone again in my future.
When I told Benji I needed to talk to him, I can’t describe the look that came across him face. I regretted my earlier thoughts, that he was just tricking me, that him and Samara planned this to ruin my life. I know that was a lie but at the same time, it only made what I had to do harder.
I need to know the truth. And if the truth sucks I’m going to be severely disappointed. But I have this glimmering hope that Benji isn’t whatever Samara said about him. That he’s a better person and no matter what, would never let that happen to anyone. I know there are sick people in this world, and I’m pretty sure that he’s not one of them. I hope. I mean, I know him well enough. Right?
God I hate how easily I second guess myself. And that’s what I’m doing right now while Benji sits on my bed facing me cross legged and concerned.
“What’s going on?” he wants to know, eyes staring at me pointedly.
“Well…” I start wandering if I should beat around the bush or not. “I talked to Samara,” I blurt out. Well that solves that predicament. Benji’s eyes kinda pop out and he cough breathes, “Wait what?” like he must have heard that wrong.
“Well actually it was more like she talked to me… or told me stuff, but either way it made me scared and I need to talk to you about it,” I ramble hoping that somewhere in my head I plan to shut my mouth up before it gets me in too much trouble.
“Did she threaten you? What’d she say?” Benji presses for, leaning forward so he can put a hand on my thigh. I move out of his reach and he furrows his brow.
“It’s not exactly like that,” I explain regretfully. Here goes nothing.
“She told me…” I start but have to pause to take a breath. “She told me… that. That you knew what was going to happen to me that day…” I explain hoping to god that he catches on to what I really mean.
“Huh?” Fuck. He’s gonna make me say it. Asshole.
“She told me you know about the Icy-Hot incident thing. That you knew before it happened…” I tell him. I watch his face intently waiting for him to react. Oh god. Oh please tell me Samara lied.
“I… Well.”
This is it Benji. Tell me that you had no clue. That you heard someone screaming and without second thought found me and became the hero you’ve always been in my eyes. Even if I was way too embarrassed to admit it.
“Kinda,” he says. Kinda. Kinda? What kind of answer is kinda. It’s a simple fucking yes or no question.
“Did you, or did you not know what was going to happen to me before it happened?” I repeat for him speaking slowly and more serious. My teeth are gritted and I didn’t even notice.
“I…”
“Benji it’s a fucking yes or no!” I’m yelling but I can’t help myself. I can’t even think straight right now. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe Samara was right.
“Yes, I did… but I didn’t think it was really going to happen, I didn’t know-“
“Well obviously you thought wrong,” I say cruelly jumping off my bed and grabbing my keys off the side table.
Benji’s trying to say something, but I’m oblivious to it, only hearing the ringing in my ears along with the reverberating beat of my heart pumping blood throughout my body. I turn to him knowing that tears are probably in my eyes, but I don’t care.
“I’m too good of a person to fucking kick you out but don’t be in my way when I get home tonight. Got that,” I tell him shaking my head spastically and avoiding eye contact. Like by not looking at him I can erase him from my memory. Benji chases after me just as my fingers enclose around my bedroom door.
“Joel… Joel you can’t let that break us. We’re good together. That shit is in the past. I thought I was in love with Samara, I didn’t think she was really that evil of a person,” he tries to explain. I shove him away from me and give him and incredulous look.
“Really. Well then if you didn’t know then, but you know now, what were you doing with her after that? After she fucking ruined my life! I couldn’t even do anything about it. It’s not like I could press charges against the jocks- they’d have my ass on a platter in twenty-thousand different pieces before I had the chance to think about telling on them. And then when I found out Samara was behind it, what could I do? Oh yeah, go to the principal and tell them that Samara paid the three of your basketball buddies that I can’t name to rub some cream on my nuts? Because that doesn’t sound three steps dumber than insane? If it weren’t for video cameras, hell, no one would have gotten caught because nobody wants to step forward when the fag nearly gets killed.”
Benji is quiet. He looks guilty, but he fucking deserves it.
“No, because everyone was saying that I got what was coming to me. Did you know that when I finally did come back to school not one person would look me in the eye. Not even teachers, and not even you.”
There’s a pause. I take a deep breath possibly giving Benji the opportunity to speak. For him to have a perfectly prepared speech that bares his soul and totally wins me back. But my life sucks too much to classify for a teen movie drama. So I go in for the overkill.
“I thought I was falling in love with you, but I barely fucking know you,” I sniff. “Fuck you,” I whimper pathetically. “I hate you.”
With that I open the door and step through it only to slam it behind me with anger. Each stride I pierce the ground wishing that each step I take was like an A-bomb because that’s how I feel inside. Like everything just exploded and is somewhere where it shouldn’t be. My ability to breathe resides somewhere in my throat and the pain in my gut has become the ache in my gut. I feel helpless to the situation. I feel like god created me to be miserable and that’s so brutally vindictive of him. What did I do in my past life to deserve a life like this? Can’t I just be happy for once?
But no. The answer is no because I’m Joel. Joel has no friends. The only people that love Joel are his family. Joel is a gay kid who will never get laid and more importantly; everybody hates Joel. Even himself.
I don’t know how I ended up here to be exact. At the fucking movie theater watching some random movie simply because I showed up at the time is was showing. I can relate the darkness of the room to my pathetic life while I watch with envy as couples all around me do ‘couplely’ things and cuddle and kiss and coo and it makes me want to puke. And I almost do when I see two lesbians. Nothing against lesbians, but being a gay man constitutes that I just don’t like the idea of ‘double the pussy.’ One furry moist hole per straight couple is gross enough to me. Thanks.
Joel. Stop being so mean.
Damn me. I need to think straight and rationally. I need to use my smarts. I need to calm the fuck down.
But I can’t. I can’t calm down. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is Benji, my knight in shining armor saving me from the treacherous pain, and then I see him and Samara laughing about it later and pointing at me while they have sex outside on the side of her house while I look out my window and cry. Not that that actually ever happened, but the idea of it is realistic and that hurts me. It hurts me so much that he knew what was going to happen to me and every time I think Benji’s name at least three tears follow it.
Dating Benji meant so much more to me then just having a boy friend. He was the boy of dreams and by having him I was naïve enough to let myself think that maybe any of my dreams could come true. That’d soon enough I’d be looked at like a normal kid instead of some gay nerd that everyone detests. That I would graduate and the student body would applause my name just as much as the kid before me and the kid before him. That my peers would stop to chat with me in the hallways instead of bump into me and slam my locker closed at passing.
I had so many dreams and now I know what they are. They’re just dreams and that’s all they’ll ever be.
By the time I get home it too late for anybody to be awake. I walk on autopilot to my bedroom and fall face first on my pillow. I feel a wetness against my face and realize I’m crying again before I pass out.
Its way passed six o’clock when I sit up quickly and look around. The sun is shining bright because my shades are up which blinds me. I squeeze my eyes shut as a reaction to the light when my mother strides in.
“Oh, you’re awake,” she jerks surprised.
“Yeah, what time is it?” I press a hand over my face and yawn.
“You’re father and I decided you could take the day off. You looked like you could use it.” Shit.
I look down rather guilt laden.
“Thanks,” I squeak forlornly picking at the threading of my comforter.
“You wanna tell me what’s up? You’re father drove Benji and Sarah to school today. Their mother called them and told them to come home yesterday after school. Benji looked like the living dead,” mom explains adding the last bit with a laugh. I nod my head and process the information.
“Oh.”
“Did something happen between the two of you?” she questions like it’s not obvious. I shrug and shake my head.
“I guess you could put it like that.”
She frowns. “Well I’m sure you guys can overcome it, I mean Joel isn’t he your kni-”
“Mom, shut up,” I warn loudly. Then there’s a sharp intake of breath on my side and a very awkward momentary silence. “I mean… I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to say that. It’s just… I don’t know.”
My mother stands up and gives one of her ‘looks.’ “Well I can see you won’t be telling me anything. But if you’re not going to talk to me, you better talk to someone else. Don’t think that me and Steve are just going to let you stay out passed midnight again without any repercussions.”
I meet her eyes only for a moment before I can’t stand it and have to look away. I feel a lump growing in my throat and know that my eyes are beginning to water. Mom takes this as a queue to dismiss herself which I’m quit thankful for.
Kris calls me around 4:30 while I’m lying on my bed, staring at my ceiling. I’m done pitying myself and honestly feel embarrassed about how I’ve been acting.
I answer my phone with a groan.
“Hello?”
“Joel? This you?” Kris’ mildly pleasant voice reaches my ears.
“Yep, it’s me,” I say.
“Sweet, it’s Kris.” No shit.
“Hey, what’s up?” I visibly shrug the worlds out… if that makes any sense.
“Well, quite a lot. Did you hear what happened?”
“I wasn’t in school today and no one calls me otherwise,” I explain being blunt with a monotone voice.
“It has nothing to do with school, it about Benji.” I sit up suddenly interested.
“What about him?” The concern that ties in with each word surprises even me.
“His mom told him and Sarah to come home and then told them that she’s getting married,” Kris passes on the news.
“What the fuck?” I interrupt.
“I know, my reaction exactly…” Kris jokes. My mouth is open and I shake my head disbelievingly.
“What about Benji… what about Sarah?” I question letting my curiosity get the best of me.
“Well Sarah is staying with her friend, Angela and Benji is MIA. I’ve been calling his cell like crazy but he ain’t picking up. Sarah called me to ask you to call. She thinks you may have better luck.”
“Why me?”
“You are his boyfriend,” Kris says like no shit. I stay quiet for a moment too long.
“Joel… you are his boyfriend, right?” Still staying quiet.
“Okay, okay, okay, new question, what the fuck happened?”
Kris isn’t politely requesting this information, he’s fucking demanding it. I sigh into the phone.
“Samara told me something about him. Something that was actually true,” I begin saying. I pause, hoping that that might be enough, but by the way Kris isn’t replying to it, I know I’ve got to go on. “You know about what happened to me two years ago?” Now it’s Kris’ turn to be awkwardly silent.
“If you know and make me tell you, I’ll find you and punch you in the goddamn face.”
“Yeah,” Kris replies in a small voice like if he talks any louder he might offend me. “Benji told me about it.”
“Before or after it happened…” I inquire curious for a moment scared that all of his group knew and just let it happen.
“After… why?”
“Yeah, well Benji knew about it before that. He knew what they were going to do to me because Samara is the one who planned it. He knew what was happening to me in that locker room and yet he did nothing to interfere until I was… I was… it felt like I was dying.”
God, saying this shit out loud is like some kind of therapy I’ve never experienced. Kris under goes a quick intake of breath and gasps. “Are you kidding me?”
“Yeah, I just lied about the entire thing.”
“Holy fuck man. I’m at a loss for words. Are you sure he knew? I can’t… I’m going to fucking ring that girls neck.”
“Don’t,” I warn almost out of habit. “You’ll only make it worse. Trust me.”
“What can be worse than that?”
“I don’t know but I don’t want to find out.” Kris laughs.
“You got a point there.”
My phone beeps and I pull it away from my ear to check it out. Shit. “Kris can you hold on a second, I got a text…”
“Yeah… sure.”
I fiddle around with the buttons surprisingly unfazed by what I find. The cell number is unknown, but I know who it is.
Tell every1 not 2 worry. broke my phone but Im fine @ Kevins. Im sry joel. I rlly am.
I don’t reply to his text, but put the phone back to my ear. “It was from Benji,” I tell him. “He’s at Kevin’s house and his phone is broken.”
“Okay then. You mind if I call you back later. I should probably pass the message onto Sarah,” Kris explains.
“Yeah sure, I’ll talk to you then.”
“Yep and Joel, hang in there kid. You’re a fuckin’ soldier boy,” Kris makes a lame connection to that ‘Soulja Boy’ song, or whatever it’s called. I laugh because I know it’s about superman-ing a whore or something which is totally unrelated. Especially to a gay man, but he’d never really notice that which is why I kinda like him as a friend.
“I will… later.”
“Peace.”
TBC...
The end actually isn't that far away. Please take a second to leave a comment.
Am I really asking for all that much? Thanks for reading!
-Jess