Inviz Blend
Title: Joel’s Epic Senior Year
Author: Um. Me. x-tired-crazy-x
Summary: AU (not related. SRY) Joel crushes on Benji… in epic proportions. The story takes place during their senior year of high school. I know… I’m so creative. Anyways, the whole world is… Wait, no, better than that, the entire universe is working against him. Can they even manage to get together or will evil scheming bitches keep them apart? Who knows? You gotta read it. It’s like a mystery.
Disclaimer: Not real. Never happened. Kind of impossible.
Last Minute Notes: This story is mildly complete. Right now, its over 50 pages. And I’m on the last part. I just felt like getting it up. (Posting it that is.)
Joel Has This Crush...
Crushes and Kisses Anyone?
Today was Friday and pretty much one of the best school days of my life. Considering Benji and I talked until 3-ish in the morning, I resorted to carrying a thermos of coffee around to all of my pre-lunch classes. In between each class Benji would come and find me to chat for the constricted 5 minute passing time. During lunch Benji sat with me in the cafeteria and we chatted avidly back and forth about everything and anything and I can’t believe how easy it is to talk to him. His opinions and views on things are so similar to mine, yet he has his own unique twist on stuff that makes even the most boring subject suddenly new and interesting. When I told him my birthday was tomorrow he flipped out asking me why I hadn’t told him sooner. I felt so cool, feeling so important to him. He asked me what I was doing after school today and I told him I was probably going to hang out with my brother.
“Josh?” he questioned. I raised my eyebrows in surprise that he new anything about me.
“Yeah, he’s visiting from college for my birthday,” I explained.
“That’s cool,” Benji said looking down at his bag of Smartfood Popcorn tipping the bag into his mouth.
The whole aura around him was suddenly different. His body language changed as he stared somewhere behind my head.
“I’ll probably end up chillin’ with Samara,” he said but he didn’t sound enthusiastic about it at all.
“Wanna hang out with me and my brother? I warn you, he’ll probably end up taking lots of pictures,” I told him. He immediately perked up with a smile.
“Yeah that sounds awesome,” he grinned and I smiled back.
So here we all are, Josh driving my Impala to a park that’s a town over and all nature-filled. Benji and I are in the back seat, but he’s holding a conversation with Josh about photography and he seems genuinely interested in it which is really cool. Josh knows all about my boycrush on Benji, so when I asked him if it was okay that I invited Benji he just snorted at me and asked why wouldn’t it be?
“Wow, I haven’t been here in forever,” Josh announces. I look around as Josh parks in the lot, my eyes scanning the surroundings. Nothing has really changed since the last time we were here but the season. It’s the beginning of spring, so the air is slightly nippy, but the leaves are budding and the air is fresh.
“This place is really nice, I’ve never been here before,” Benji says quietly standing behind me.
“Really, I used to come here all the time when I was a kid,” I say turning slightly to face quite literally, ‘the man of my dreams.’
“That’s so cool, who used to take you?” he asks.
“Josh,” I respond watching as my brother empties out his camera stuff on the trunk of my car, leaving the lens cover in the case. He slings the case around his neck and motions for us to follow him.
“I wish I had an older brother,” Benji admits in a small voice looking down. I suddenly feel really thankful for having Josh there for me. I forget sometimes that not everyone has an extremely wonderful family as I do.
“Well I wish I had a little sister,” I tell him and he immediately smiles so I do this little victory dance in my head.
“I have got to have the coolest littler sister in the word. No joke. I don’t even care how un-modest that is. Sarah is the sweetest little shit.”
I laugh out loud to that. “Well look at who her older brother is,” I say. He blushes falling into step with me.
“Wanna rest around here?” Josh interrupts Benji and I’s little conversation. I look around at our surroundings. There’s a couple of rocks to sit on and we’re surrounded my thick tall trees and the sun is casting down shoot random rays of light to the forest floor. It’s beautiful.
“Sure,” I say to Josh. Next I grab Benji’s hand. “Come on lets go be models.”
“Don’t look at the camera so much,” I chastise Benji as he attempts to pose every time Josh snaps a shot.
“It’s so weird!” he complains folding his arms across his chest. I look over and Josh is fiddling around with the lens or something, not paying attention to us. I gently and possibly kind of cautiously place a hand on Benji’s forearm. His body tenses and I just stare at his face until his eyes meet mine.
“Relax Benji, it’s just pictures,” I say, slow and soothing. We’re both leaning up against a giant tree, now facing each other. I hear a couple of clicks coming from Josh’s camera. Benji slowly turns his lips into a smile and scoots closer to me. One of his arms comes up to rest on my shoulder, his fingers gently thread through my hair. His eyes stay connected to mine and I hear another click.
“I love your hair,” he states quietly so Josh can’t hear it. I immediately blush and look down at my shoes. They’re half covered by my semi-baggy jeans, plain no-top Chucks.
Benji’s hand that was playing with my hair is suddenly on the bottom of my chin tilting my head upwards. My eyes flash to his lips before I get back to his eyes. I wonder if he notices, but if he does he shows no signs.
“I- god do you know how adorable you are? You could make any guy think he was gay,” he tells me and I do this chuckle type thing, but keep my mouth closed so air comes rushing out my nose and the red in my face intensifies. Josh is in the background still taking picture after picture, but I’m pretty much oblivious to it, as is Benji.
Benji moves his hand so his fingers massage the hair on the back of my neck. His thumb still rests on my cheek and I can’t help myself. I close my eyes.
“I’m just gonna do this,” I hear Benji mumble and before any of my senses can pick up on it, Benji’s lips are barely touching mine and my knees nearly buckle at the feeling. I take the initiative to press our lips together more firmly and then the next thing I know Benji is sucking my bottom lip into his mouth so I kiss his top lip but then he pulls away gradually. I don’t want to open my eyes, but I do and his are still closed. I notice that my hand is now holding his hand at our sides even though I don’t exactly know how that happened. I can tell Benji has opened his eyes when I feel him grip my hand tighter then he was, the fingers of his other hand resting on my neck, thumb gently rubbing my cheek.
“Look at me?” he asks in a small hopeful voice. So I do. I look into his eyes and get lost in thoughts that I shouldn’t be thinking. The thoughts that I’m always thinking. I’m thinking that this isn’t real. That how the fuck did I just kiss Benji Madden the crush of my life- Mr. Popular himself. But here he is, leaning in to peck my lips again and this time I don’t close my eyes; don’t take my eyes off of him. I can’t, it’s like my eye lids are glued open or something. I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe this, but the look that’s on his face and the way his eyes are searching mine, just like I am to him proves to me that whatever is going on between us is real. This… this is genuine.
A random flash from the camera seems to wake us up out of our own little word, reminding us that there is a third party present. Benji kind of moves away from me, but keeps holding my hand. We both face Josh and Benji rests his head on my shoulder, our fingers laced between us as Josh takes one final shot in this location.
My big brother all but ran in the house as soon as he parked my car in the garage, saying he wanted to go hurry up and upload the photos on the computer. He’s such a photography nerd sometimes. I’m kind of happy that he used his digital camera instead of the camera he uses for some of his classes, because then we don’t have to wait for him to develop them by hand as he does for hobby and school.
Anyway, he left Benji and me in the back seat of my car and neither of us has made an attempt to move. Our sides are pressed up together, our fingers are still laced and resting on his lap and our heads are resting against each other. I love the feeling of his warmth right next to me, yet being home brings up this bittersweet thought that his girlfriend is right next door.
Benji suddenly sits up and detaches himself from me quite abruptly. I sit up too, feeling sad, but I mean. I was kinda expecting it to happen sooner or later.
“I have to go talk to Samara,” he announces. I look down at my fingers picking at one of my fingernails.
“Kay,” I say, but it comes out hoarse and embarrassing. I have a feeling he’s going to tell her that he has something with me and if he does she’s only going to hate me more and make my life even worse. I want to tell him that if he cares about me at all then he won’t tell her anything. But he barely knows me, how could he care about me. Not a word passes my lips.
Benji reaches out the distance between us and grips my hand I think tighter than he intended as he squishes my fingers.
“I’ll call you tonight or text you or something,” he offers, his voice so quiet, so gentle… so sweet.
“Okay.” My voice is stronger now but not by much.
“Look at me Joel,” Benji pleads and I can’t. I feel the lump growing in my throat and I purse my lips. “Please Joel, just look at me,” he begs. I close my eyes and feel a tear slide down my cheek. I shake my head quickly some how managing to squeeze out some words that vaguely resemble, “I can’t.”
“Joel.”
I feel Benji’s thumbs attempt to brush away my tear, which is on the verge of being tears. I shake him off.
“Just go!” I order, my voice harsh and scratchy. He waits for something. For me to give in, turn to him and tell him I need him or something, but it doesn’t happen. I want to so bad, but he doesn’t feel that way about me. He can’t. I’m Joel Combs and he’s Benji Madden. He opens the door and exits the car slowly giving me every opportunity in the world to say something, but I don’t.
The door closes and I can’t hold it in anymore. I sob.
I’m lying in my bed with my eyes open staring at the ceiling. I can’t sleep and it’s quite literally killing me. I’ve done all my old tricks from closing my eyes and concentrating on just breathing to counting fucking sheep I’m so desperate, but no matter what I end up tossing and turning. It’s 11:30 at night, which isn’t that late. I don’t know what exactly is keeping me awake. The culprit lies somewhere between Benji never calling me or texting me or anything-ing me and the fact that my birthday is tomorrow and I have no friends, no life. Just… nothing.
It makes me want to either explode or kill myself (either way I get to die), but instead I place my palms to my eyelids and groan loudly. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a purpose… I’m just a complete teenage failure and it’s not even by choice. I’m just good for nothing. Not even a relationship. It’s like my life was condemned to hell the second I moved next door to one Samara Avery Grace. Heh, should be Samara Cunt-rag Grace, but that probably didn’t fit on the birth certificate.
“I called her on the phone and she touched herself- I laughed myself to sleep,” sings my phone from it’s place on my nightstand. I forevermore will deny the fact that I all but flung my body to the side of my bed nearly knocking my phone, my lamp, my glasses, pretty much everything off the nightstand in a fit of haste.
It’s a text from Benji’s number and my fingers fumble around trying to slide the damn thing open. Finally my eyes scan the mini-screen.
Let me in the front door. Please…
I stare at it for a couple more seconds. Did that mean Benji was outside my house right now? What the fuck? I look over at the clock and it’s 11:42. I think about my options. I could just text Benji back telling him to go away and he’ll go back to Samara’s house and do god knows what and I can go back to my safe life all alone or I can go downstairs open that door and-
I don’t have a fucking clue what. But that’s why I’m opening that door in 2 seconds flat only to be met with Benji. He’s standing there in his giant sweatshirt with the hood up, his body mostly blending in with the darkness.
“Can I come in?” he asks his voice sounds broken and dull, not like it normal has when he’s talked to me. I don’t know if my voice is working at the moment. I don’t know what will come out if attempt to talk so I just stand aside and open the door a bit wider. Benji understand the gesture and walks passed me in the hallway. I close the door behind him and lock it soundlessly. I then walk down the hallway and Benji follows me.
“Want anything to eat or drink?” I ask picking at the bottom of my T-shirt. I’m only wearing my T-shirt and boxers, but whatever. I don’t fucking care. It’s not like I’m fat. That’s one thing I’ve got going for me.
“No,” Benji replies and damn, he sounding sheepish.
“Come on, we’ll just go to my room,” I manage to get out sounding half-human. I start leading us upstairs and Benji’s totally silent seemingly lost in his head. I wonder if he’s feeling the same dilemma as me… totally at a loss of words because what the fuck should I say to him? All I wanna do is ask him what happened at Samara’s. He’s still got that stupid hood on and I kind of wish he’d take it off because I think seeing his face might help me calm down or something as dumb as that sounds.
When we reach my room I open the door once again allowing Benji to pass me. I close the door and lock that as well turning around to watch Benji as his eyes scan the walls of my room. My posters, the ticket stubs from rock shows as well as really cool movies I enjoyed. Back when it was safe to go to movie theaters, that is.
“Whoa,” he breathes.
“What?” I ask automatically coming out defensive. It’s habit.
“Nothing but this-” he points to a Sex Pistols poster with Johnny, Steve, Sid, and Paul all glaring at him, the guys in black in white surrounded by yellow with pink letters that spell out the bands name. “Is fucking awesome,” he finishes from inside his hood. I smile to myself and shrug.
“Yeah, my brother got it for me last year. It’s really old, he bought it from this guy who used to own a music store and was pawning his shit off on Ebay. Seriously, one of the best presents I’ve ever gotten for my birthday except for my car probably,” I ramble because it’s what I do when I’m nervous and well, Benji has that effect on me.
“It’s totally sick,” he says and turns to me. Our eyes lock and I can’t stand it, I have to look away.
Benji takes that as I precursor to speak. “I um, thanks for letting me in,” he says. I grunt and walk over to my bed flinging myself onto the disheveled covers. “I want- well. I need to talk to you about some stuff,” he adds and I feel queasy all of a sudden. Talking is usually never good.
“Okay,” I say, my face smushed into the cloth of my comforter.
“Could you look at me?” he requests.
“No.”
“Joel, would you please look at me. I- god. Just please?” He’s fucking begging me again. Damn him and his worn out, scratchy, sexy voice he’s got. Is it bad that I think him sounding distressed is kind of hot?
“Take off your stupid hood and I’ll look at you,” I bargain.
“Fine,” and is it bad that I can totally just sense the fact that he’s shrugging. I slowly pick my body up so I’m sitting and facing him. As my eyes trace up his body to his face, he lifts off his hood revealing scratch marks on his cheeks and a purple bruise around his eye.
“Benji, what the fuck happened?” I demand. Benji’s suddenly gone teary eyed and red-faced and fuck my anger, he looks like he’s in pain. I can’t stop myself I stand up and hug him really hard, nearly knocking him to the ground. I feel his arms come around my torso and as soon as Benji’s head dips into my neck I feel wetness on the collar of my shirt and holy fuck. He’s crying. Benji Madden is crying in my arms.
I don’t know if I should ask him again what happened, or what’s wrong. I figure Samara probably did this to him and it makes me hate her even more, but I’m not going to voice that because I don’t want to lose this moment. Benji seems like he really needs someone right now and boy do I love being that person.
He sniffs, but doesn’t make any effort to move away from me. I start rubbing slow circles on his back trailing my fingers up and down in a hopefully soothing manner.
“Th-feelsgood,” he mumbles to me in a mesh of sounds. I smile silently bringing one hand up to trail through the hair on the back of his neck. I’ve never been there like this for someone before, but I’ve watched enough chick-flicks to know what to do.
When Benji pulls away, I have to admit I don’t want him to. I’d rather him just stay in my arms all night and we can just forget about talking about Samara or whatever and just chill in my bedroom. But I know that’s unlikely so I grudgingly let him go. Then, I let out a shaky breath I suppose I was holding… didn’t notice that.
Benji sways on his feet for a second before catching himself. I eye him carefully, he looks pale and sick and his eyes are puffy and his purple one is swelling.
“I uh. I know I said I wanted to talk. But like. Can I crash on the couch or um. I don’t know like…” Benji is stuttering and blabbering like a buffoon. I thought I’d never live to see the day. Hell, it reminds me that he’s still human and not some kind of god.
I turn my back on him and jump back in my bed.
“Just get in my bed, it’s a king size. More than enough room,” I tell him sounding way cooler and more nonchalant then I’ll ever be. I don’t wait for him to say anything. I don’t turn to look at him. I just lean to turn off the bedside lamp and snuggle into my pillow. I feel the bed dip and my heart jumps into my throat with glee. God that sounds retarded.
Okay, so maybe I do look over to him. I open at eye to watch him toe off his shoes, take of his hoodie, shimmy of his pants, adjust his boxers (oh god) and climb under the covers with me. But that wasn’t really looking at him. No, I was peeking. Yeah, like a peeping Tom’s definition of looking, but whatever fuck it.
I try to fall asleep before I feel the heat of his body beside me. It doesn’t work so now I’m faced with the challenge of trying to sleep next to Benjamin Madden and try not to dread the conversation that we face in the morning. God, I’m dreading my own goddamn birthday. I stare at my alarm clock watching the minutes tick by. His body is abnormally still and I wonder if he’s having troubles sleeping as well. I just keeping watching the lock and I watch it and watch it and watch it.
Maybe I should try counting sheep.
Benji makes a sudden movement next to me and I tense up. Way to play it cool, Combs.
“Are you falling asleep at all?” his voice penetrates the silence. I sigh and shake my head, rolling on my back and staring at the ceiling.
“No such luck,” I reply and he laughs.
“Wanna talk?”
I grunt.
“Is that a yes?”
I sigh again and roll my eyes. “I have a feeling even if I said ‘no’ you’d probably continue speaking anyway.” Benji laughs again.
“Jeez, fine cranky pants.” He rolls over.
“I’m not cranky!” I say loud and defensive. I feel the bed dip beside me and in the darkness I see the shadow of Benji sitting up.
“You were right, your bed really is huge…” he comments.
“The life of the wealthy?” I say, but it’s in that question kind of tone.
“Yeah, big beds, kick ass cars, awesome posters, a laptop, one of those stupid chocolate cell phones…” Benji rambles off.
“Hey! Don’t talk shit on my phone, I take that personally,” I tell him while I sit up and lean over to put the light back on. Immediately my bedroom comes into view, the light dim, but pleasant. I can’t help but look over Benji face and honestly, as corny as this is, I totally see passed his black eye and the scratches and I just see him. Beautiful as ever… in my bed… shirtless.
“I’m not really tired anymore,” Benji states all matter-of-fact.
“Huh,” I breathe out. “Why is that?”
“I don’t know…” he says in a tone of voice that ends the subject.
“Hey, do you know if you’re brother got those pictures onto a computer or something?” Benji sits up totally, pushing the blankets down and crossing his legs.
“Duh,” I take a second to think. To back track my brain from all that’s gone on in the last 20 minutes. “Oh yeah,” I remember. “He sent them to me, I haven’t uh. I haven’t looked at them yet,” I say slowly picking at my fingers.
“Do you want to look at them together?”
It takes me a second but eventually my eyes make their way to his. They’re gentle yet cautious, his eyebrows raised in a way that breathes innocence all over his face. There’s a small half smile fighting with his lips. He looks hopeful.
I don’t say anything. That sensation where I become unsure if my voice even works takes over. Soundlessly, I bend over the side of my bed and reach down, coming back up with my laptop in hand. When I turn around I see Benji’s eyes leaving trails all over my body and I clear my throat loud and abrupt.
“Uh-um,” he makes his funny noise, “Sorry,” he shakes his head and blushes deep crimson red.
I lean up against the headboard of my bed, moving my pillows around to make room for him next to me.
"I don't care," I smirk placing the laptop on my lap and opening it up watching the screen come to life from its previous stand-by setting. I type in my security setting and all the things that I had been on before I attempted to go to bed for the 37th time reload before my eyes.
I go to my mail and notice some new Myspace reminders for friend requests, messages, and comments. I scan through it all to find my brother's email. Finally deathBYEstereo@yahoo.com catches my eye and I click on it.
"Death by stereo?" Benji asks curiously while the next page loads.
"Yup, you ever seen The Lost Boys?" I question him. I scroll down on Josh's email, his little message is: You two are cute. I roll my eyes and click on the attachment, then allow it to download the file. Whenever Josh sends me more than one picture he puts it in a folder because it's just easier for the both of us as to downloading each picture one by one.
"Is that the one about those kids that find that pirate ship with all that gold in it?"
I can't help by laugh and shake my head. "Close, the two Coreys are in it," I say with a grin. I start fiddling around after the file has downloaded to find it in my pictures. To say the least, I have a lot.
"You know the movie about the Vampires in Santa Monica? Murder capital of the world and stuff," I try.
"I know that one!" Benji nearly yells.
"Dude, shut the fuck up... there are people trying to sleep in my house," I remind him. Benji closes his mouth abruptly.
"Whoops, sorry," he whispers over-exaggerating.
"You don't have to fucking whisper," I nudge his side. He half smiles.
"Now, I'm not gonna get you in trouble for being here?" his tone of voice changes to unsure. I just shrug.
"I doubt it, it'll be my birthday and the first time I have anyone over to share it with besides Samara so if anything they'll be happy you're here..." I say looking down at my hands resting on the keypad. I can feel Benji's eyes on me and I do my best to shake the sad feeling from my head. "Anyway, you're not gonna get chewed out by your folks for being out for the night?"
Benji remains silent for a moment before he speaks. "Nope. If anything they think I'm at Samara's. But it's Friday night. They definitely don't expect me to be home," he explains. I nod my head slowly.
I find the pictures and open them up, flicking on the first one watching as it becomes big. I push the screen back a bit so Benji can get a better look.
The first one is of both of us from behind. We're holding hands and walking down a dirt path further into the forest. I remember pulling on his hand, but I had no clue Josh was already taking pictures. In front of us you can see the sun's rays and it has an awesome effect on everything.
"That's really cool," Benji immediately says. "Go the next one." I click on the right arrow button and the picture changes. Benji and I are sitting on rocks and it's of when he was trying to pose for every shot. I can only imagine how frustrated Josh was getting with him.
After about 20 minutes of analyzing every photo and complimenting each other on how good the other looks my heart starts beating faster because I know what's coming. My palms are getting slippery as I click the next button and the sequence of pictures in front of the big tree begin. His arms are resting on my shoulders; my eyes averted to the ground, shyly. My arms won’t move, my eyes are stuck staring at the screen and everything, all of it comes hitting me full force in the gut. Benji has no clue what the kiss meant to me. What it means to me. He can’t possibly.
That kiss, lock of the lips made novel worthy thoughts invade my head. Thoughts that maybe I am a normal teenager. Maybe I’m not as pathetic as I feel.
There’s something you have to understand. Benji has been my crush, and my only crush since I was a little kid. Sure, I’m gay… but Benji’s the only guy I’ve ever thought of being with. It kind of started out as hero worship back in fourth to sixth grade. He would always stick up for the little guy aptly named Joel Combs who the guys picked on because I can’t even deny this: I’m kind of short. The guys used to steal my lunch and break my glasses, but if Benji were around he’d tell them to stop. The guys used to call him names, asking why he was always sticking up for the loser. He always shrugged never giving them an answer and I just thought that he was the coolest thing in the world. Of course so did everyone else.
Middle school rolls around and suddenly life is all about who’s making out with who, Katie was dating Johnny and Michelle gave a hand-job to Josh, can you believe it? I had Samara though and she was there for me no matter what. She was my girl friend for 3 years, from 6th grade to 9th and for those three years nobody bothered me. Nobody called me trash names. Girls would send me notes asking me to break up with her and date them, because at that point Samara wasn’t the queen bee she sees herself as now and I loved her. Not love like I can’t live with her love. But puppy love. She after all was my first girl.
We broke up, but it was mutual… so we could both explore other possibilities while in high school. It would be to naïve to think that we’d stay together forever so why waste time. It took awhile but we eventually become comfortable as best friends. That’s when I told her about my secret crush on Benji. She was all giggles and "Oh my god, Joel!" when I told her. It had to be 6 months into freshman year, I don't know what month that really makes it, January? February? Well that's when her plot to ruin my life must have began.
"Don't worry Joel, I'll talk to him, y'know, feel him out," she said while nudging my side. I blushed harshly and coughed.
"Samara, don't!" I begged.
"Oh come on, isn't love all about taking risks?" Samara had her hands on her hips, flipping her long dark brown hair over her shoulders. She's one of those contagious people. Kind of like Benji, but Benji has so much more than her. She has potential, but he's like 'the real deal.' She told me to chill in the library during lunch one day while she went to talk to him for me.
She never came back.
I am physically unable to click the pictures as they get closer to that certain one. The pictures play out like a movie and in my head, all the feelings from before come crashing down. A whirlwind of emotions I can't even decipher. All the years of pent up anger and all the frustration of being alone. Of graduating this year and being even less than I was when I started. Because hell, it doesn't stop there, that would be too easy.
I remember calling Samara after school that day and she didn't answer. I waited for her at the bus stop but she would come so late and then she wouldn't sit next to me. She would barely look at me. She sat in the back talking loudly about whatever topics came up to bat. I didn't really figure out that she was 'dropping' me as a friend or whatever until I saw her walking down the hallways holding hands with Benji. I was waiting for her by her locker, ready to ask her what was going on, and that was the answer I got. I remember fighting back the tears and swallowing down the lump in my throat.
Samara's style slowly changed into the whole, emo scene. She dyed her hair black, painted her nails, wore skirts with tacky fishnets. I'm all for the people dressing and acting how ever they want to act. If you wanna be a punk, go ahead. If you wanna fail all you're classes, go head. If you wanna do drugs, go ahead. My issue with Samara is that she's the exact opposite of all those things, but because she gets attention from doing it, so do you think she's gonna stop. She gets to hang on Benji's arm for acting like someone that she really isn't and that pisses me off. Fake mother-fuckers piss me the fuck off.
But that wasn't enough for her. Nope. She had to crush me, twist her foot till I was so deep in the ground it would take one of an eighteen wheeler truck to pull me out. Not only did she divulge the fact that I'm gay to anybody that would listen... She would tell them about how I'm a man whore and how I abused her.
Students would shove me into lockers non-stop, constantly throwing names in my face saying that I'm some kind of woman-hater. Thankfully my hero Benji was there. He never said anything to me, but he did point out that I dated Samara for 3 years and called her out on the lie. That was the basis of their first break up. Samara was so pissed, you see she blamed me.
So she told Michael Skilinski that I had a crush on him. To say the least he didn't like that very much.
At that point it wasn't enough to shove me into some lockers. It wasn't enough to beat me up in the courtyard or call me names and embarrass me in front of teachers.
No, what was enough was far worse. Far more humiliating. At this point in school it's all like a legend. Michael and his buddies were mysteriously expelled and the principal came on the loud speaker announcing and warning us that anyone who spoke about 'the incident' would be, "Suspended for 5 days, no ifs, ands, or buts about it."
So not many people know what happened because tell you what Michael wasn't talking about it and I sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up. Probably the most frightening 10 minutes of my life.
I feel a hand enclosing around mine and my body tenses up out of fear. The mixture of reliving old memories and the revelation that I'm not actually there anymore leaving my mind in a haze of confusion unable to really grasp what's going on.
Benji's hand is on my cheek slowly pulling my face towards his. My brain isn't registering any of this, but my body is as it relaxes into his touch almost as if it's a reflex or something.
"I broke up with her," Benji whispers just as our faces are an inch or so apart. My head tilts as our lips touch, gently meeting up for a slow, warm kiss. I can tell that Benji's really trying to make this mean something, what? I really don't know. But I can just tell. I feel his fingers press down on mine and as I hear the click we both pull away, even if we weren't really done kissing just to get a look.
It's beautiful. I can't even explain it. The way our eyes are closed and our bodies close. The sun setting, but it's nowhere near the main focus of the picture. It looks like everything, the trees, the rocks, the sky, just everything is there for us. It’s all just complimenting us.
I've never felt that I'd looked good in a picture. And Josh has taken plenty of pictures of me to say the least, but every picture we've looked at tonight Benji's told me how hot I am or how adorable I look. No one's ever said things like that to me. No one besides my family has ever told me anything positive about the way I am. But right here beside Benji, I feel good about myself. I don't feel like a failure.
I keep staring at the picture and I don't jump this time when I feel soft, wet kisses being placed along the side of my neck. I moan quietly and tilt my head to the side to give him more room.
"Wanna give sleep another go?" he mumbles breathily into my skin. I reluctantly pull away from him and nod closing my laptop and placing it back on the floor. When I turn back to him he's got the blankets pulled open for me and when I lay down he snuggles himself right into my side.
I smile and wrap an arm around him. Tell you what, it's not the blankets that are keeping me warm tonight. And I swear to God, right before my mind totally drifts away, I hear Benji say, “Happy Birthday.”
"You could be my punk rock princess, I could be your garage band king. You could tell me why you just don't fit in and how you're gonna be something. If I could be your first real heartache, I would do it over again. If you could be my punk rock princess; I could be like heroine."
What. The. Fuck.
I groan out loud as my brain's wheels start turning slowly and I wake up. The bed moves and I furrow my brow curiously. "Fucken' A." I hear someone that's not me mumble and my eyes shoot open. Holy shit, last night was real? I sit up too fast and have to put a hand on my head to still myself. And there Benji is crouched down by his jeans fiddling with his cell phone.
"Something Corporate?" I ask with a raised eyebrow. Benji jumps at the sound of my voice, but still smiles at me.
"It's my sister's favorite song, she set it as her ringer on my phone," he explains to me climbing back on my bed with his cell phone still in his hand. He surprises me by crawling up to me on the bed and placing a small peck on my lips.
"Your hair is absolutely adorable," he whispers to me morning breath and all.
"Your hair is better, let me assure you," I tease grabbing a wad of his hair and tugging on it so it sticks out. I pull back from him laughing and he laughs too.
"You're so mean!" He flails his body backwards on the bed. I shake my head at him.
"What did your sister want?" I ask him because I'm generally a curious kind of guy.
He throws me the phone. "It's the first text message, you might get a kick out of it," he says but there's something in his voice I can't quite grasp onto. It's not depressed or anything, it's just, maybe kind of sad?
I open his phone. He was one of those cell phones that flip open. I find his inbox and open the first message which is listed as from:bamf Sarah. I automatically smile at that. The message opens and my eyes read over the words.
Did u spend the nite at ur skanks house? Come home, Im bored
I immediately have to cover my mouth with my hand to keep myself from laughing to hard and offending Benji because he dated her on and off a while and even if he did break up with her for me or because of me; there's no way anybody can get over someone in less than 24 hours.
"That's Sarah for you," he says when I hand him back his phone.
"She’s um... seems sweet?" I say like it's a question.
"She can be if you're not related to her," Benji informs me and I nod my head in understanding.
He starts texting his sister back and I push the covers off of me and stand up. I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around Benji being on my bed. On having spent the night in bed with Benji. On Benji kissing me first thing this morning. I have to take a deep breath and shake my head a couple of times. I look around my room at his clothes scattered of the floor and I can't help but smile. I feel like I must be experiencing true insanity because how can something this good be happening to me.
I go over to my dresser still shaking my head and fish out two pairs of pajama bottoms. "These good for the morning?" I ask him tossing the maroon plaid pair.
Benji looks up to me and nods. "Yeah, thanks," he smiles. Once he finishes his text he stands up next to the bed and drops his phone on the bed. He steps in my pajamas one leg at a time, tying them off once they're on. I follow suit, my pair is the same thing except in green. Christmas present from my aunt Stacy. Probably the most comfy things I-
"Oh my god, these things are fucking comfortable!" Benji exclaims loudly smoothing the material over his legs. I laugh as he pretty much stole my thought.
"I know, they're my favorite," I tell him.
"God, everything you have is awesome. Your car, your laptop, your brother, your posters, your bed, now your pajamas," he lists off counting them off on his fingers.
"Whatever," I say because I don't know what to say with that. Benji walks over to me now with his arms folded across his chest.
"You are so awesome," he says, unfolding one of them so his thumb can rub over my cheek. "Happy Birthday," he speaks slowly with a hint of happiness lacing the words.
"Thank you," I reply with a toothy smile that's probably embarrassing but I can't help it. I can already tell this is going to be the best birthday ever and with that thought floating around my head it's hard not to smile.
"Benji, it's so nice to have you here for Joel's birthday," mom repeats for maybe the seventh time in the 20 minutes that we've been downstairs. As expected she totally doesn't give a fuck about the fact I'm gay and I had a boy spend the night in bed with me, or that I didn't have any permission. She's just happy that I'm happy and I am. Benji blushes again now for the seventh time. His eye is definitely black and it only took my mom about 10 seconds to pick up on not saying anything about it. She’s so perceptive and just all around awesome. I’m so lucky to have a mom like her and I know it.
"It's my pleasure Mrs. Combs," Benji says. Ohh, big mistake.
"I'm insulted. Call me Heather, I ain’t that old," mom chastises him playfully. I chuckle quietly.
"Mom, go easy on the poor kid," I hear Josh's easy going voice from the other side of the table. He smiles knowingly at me and I smile back.
"So birthday boy, I have sausage, pancakes, and grilled cheese for you." Mom places one of our giant, oval shaped plates in front of me and I look down at all the food cooked just the way I like it.
"Thanks Ma," I say and I feel her lean down and kiss the top of my head. I look over to Benji just as she does it, but he smiles at me almost longingly.
"What about me and Benji mom?" Josh questions.
"Hold your horses there Joshua or I may just not give you any food at all," she preaches patience to Josh while setting a plate identical to mine in front of Benji.
"Grilled cheese?" he looks to me puzzled poking at it with his fork.
"You've never had grilled cheese," I ask in my best you-gotta-be-kidding-me tone. He looks up at me shy and confused.
"Well not for breakfast," he explains still puzzled.
"If you don't wanna eat it, you don't have to," I shrug taking a bite out of my triangular piece. Since before I can remember, my mom has always cut my grilled cheese into triangles and now I won't eat grilled cheese unless it's like that. Did I ever mention that I'm weird?
As if I just challenged him Benji brings his own triangle-shaped-half, grilled cheese sandwich to his lips and takes a giant bite. I giggle at him and he smiles at me. A big happy grin with his mouth nearly busting open with food.
I would say it's gross, but it's actually insanely adorable.
“Happy birthday, son.” My dad’s voice startles me and I look up behind me to see my father entering the kitchen.
“Dad!” I shoot up from my seat and move to give him a hug. My dad’s arms enclose around me and he rubs my back for a second.
“Why aren’t you at work?” My brow is furrowed but I’m smiling pathetically and so what if I’m turning 18 and just hugged my dad. I turn to Benji who has a surprised look on his face.
“Work can go on without me for a day,” Dad shrugs. I smile and take my seat again.
“Dad, this is my friend Benji. Benji, this is my dad,” I introduce them both. But my dad laughs and is shaking his head leaving me seriously puzzled.
“I know Benji… the kid barely ever leaves the ‘ole restaurant,” My dad smiles down at him. “You best be stayin’ out of trouble. Now that you’re hanging out here with Joel, I don’t wanna hafta’ be gettin’ you outta those sticky situations,” my dad warns, knowing how I feel about him. I blush, but I’m nowhere near as red-faced as Benji. I would ask Benji what my dad means by ‘sticky situations,’ but by the look on my dad’s face and the way Benji’s eyes are refusing to meet mine; I come to the conclusion it’s the wrong place and wrong time. I’ll ask him later.
Dad hasn’t said anything about Benji’s eye either. Thankfully, but there’s some kind of tension that grows whenever they’re in the same room together. Whatever it is though, neither of them are letting it get in the way of my birthday which I’m thankful for because this has been probably my most favorite birthday ever. After breakfast, Benji and I took turns taking showers and then I leant some of my clothes out to him. He’s wearing an old pair of baggy blue jeans with my 4-row studded belt that I never wear and an old Grateful Dead concert-T of my dad’s back when he was a hippy. He roared with laughter upon seeing Benji with it.
“Can you even name 5 songs, not off the greatest hits,” my dad challenged.
“Dad go easy on him,” I teased.
“Fine, name three,” he then reiterated.
“Terrapin Station, Cassidy, and Run for the Roses,” I let the words role off my tongue. Dad laughed and said he asked Benji but I told him it’s my birthday and I can do whatever I want so he let Benji off the hook.
My mom won’t stop gushing about how ‘attractive’ Benji is whenever he leaves the room and the last time she did, he came back while she was rambling about his ass. Yet again, another Awkward situation. Yes that’s awkward with a capital ‘A.’
Josh for the most part has locked himself away in his room telling me that he’s working on my present. Which scares me really, but at the same time makes me feel important. For the first time in a long time I feel like a significant human being in the world full of billions. I don’t feel like this often and I know it’s going to be hard to let go.
“You’re family is so cool,” Benji says to me once we finally make a break for outside. Some time just to us. I have butterflies everywhere and that’s all I’m gonna say.
“Yeah, they can be…” I shrug, but I’m smiling because I know how true that statement is. “I love them, y’know? I know not many families are like mine,” I add and Benji nods.
“No kidding, these days if you’re parents aren’t divorced or split up, or if there isn’t some kind of ‘step-whoever’ involved, then there’s something wrong, not saying that there’s anything wrong with you’re family, but you know what I mean.”
I smile. “Don’t worry about it, I know what you mean.” I bite my lip then afterwards.
“What?” Benji asks. I look back at the house, we’re only in the backyard. I then start pulling Benji passed the swing set, my original plan, and over to the pool house. Once safely inside I sigh, long, drawn out.
“I’ve never told anyone this before. My family… we don’t ever bring it up,” I begin and Benji’s face immediately contorts into worry. I had grabbed his arm to pull him inside, but now he’s grabbing my hand and holding is securely in his slightly larger palm. The pool house is nice- kind of like a mini-apartment. A quick get-a-way as my family refers to it. I let Benji pull me to the couch and we sit down facing each other.
“My dad isn’t my biological father,” I say looking down at our hands. I hear Benji gasp.
“Are you serious?” he questions.
“No, I just told you that for shits’n’giggles,” I retort sarcastically. My eyes finally meet his and he looks surprised.
“If you don’t mind me asking, like… what happened?”
“My dad left us when I was six,” I shrug and Benji’s eyes pop out.
“Isn’t that- wait. Yeah, in first, second grade? You were mute for like a year!”
I close my eyes for a long moment. I have to. “You remember that?” I speak slowly shaking my head.
“Of course I do! I asked you to play tag with me and my friends once and you ran away from me, I thought you hated me!” Benji exclaims. He’s gripping my hand maybe a little too tight.
“No, I never hated you.” I say. “I just- y’know. I was six. I fucking blamed myself for it all. I don’t know. I had to go to child-therapy and shit for it, but whatever. It was years ago, my real dad was just an asshole and Steve is great, so you know what, he’s my dad and if my real dad ever comes back, I don’t need him. And he obviously doesn’t need me.”
“Me and Sarah have different fathers. My mom’s never married but her list of boyfriends rolls down to the floor and then some,” Benji tells me.
“Same with me and Josh,” I say almost laughing. “Josh is from my mom’s second marriage,” I explain.
“Oh my god, how many times has your mom been married?”
I laugh lightly and raise four fingers into the air. “Holy shit! Here I am thinking you’ve got the storybook family and… wow,” Benji stares at me in disbelief.
“Before Josh’s dad, Paul, she was married to some guy named Todd. They lasted like 2 years out of high school. Paul then lasted maybe 3 years, then my dad, Jeff, for 4 years and then a 3 year break and it’s been Steven ever since.”
“Well I’m sorry for assuming stuff,” Benji rushes to say.
“Don’t worry about it,” I shake a hand in the air. “It feels good to talk about this shit. It’s not even that depressing with you.”
“It really isn’t,” he scrunches up his face at me. “My mom has 3 boyfriends… all at once.”
Not it’s my turn to be surprise. “What… how?”
Benji’s laughter fills up the room. “I know, I have no fucking clue either. I mean, how do you even manage that?”
“Dude, I’m the worst person to ask about relationships.”
“And I’m so much better? I’ve been dating Samara on and off for 3 years and I still can’t get it right. No matter what I always feel like her intentions are somewhere else. Sarah says it’s because of my mom cheating so much, I can’t trust girls, but I don’t know,” he rambles on. I frown suddenly. The room falls silent and awkwardness is threatening to eat us up.
“What did she do to you? Please just tell me. Both of you are keeping it a secret from me and I just wanna know. I mean, I know about… that,” he says quietly. I close my eyes trying to get that memory out of my head. “But there’s more to it. I know there is.”
So I inhale loudly and exhale in the same fashion. “What do you like about her?” I ask suddenly and not even I have a clue where my brain is going with this.
“It’s more of what I liked about her. Not like,” Benji replies like that’s an answer. When I don’t say anything he continues. “Uh, well… she’s pretty,” he shrugs. “And she used to be so much fun to talk to. She used to tell stories about you, like way back in the beginning and one day she even set up a time for all of us to hangout. Then she changed the plans all abruptly, told me she thought I was the hottest guy in the school and I dunno. She’s outgoing and that’s something I love about people.”
I’m shaking my head slowly taking in everything he said hoping that maybe it’ll click in his head. When it does he stands up unexpectedly and raises a hand to cover his mouth. I look up at him guiltily.
“I liked you for years Benji,” I say in a flat tone. “Samara told me that she was going to get to know you and see if you were even into guys. Well, I guess you’re a whole lot cooler than me so it’s out with the old,” I motion to myself; “And in with the new,” I gesture out to him.
Benji’s silent for a moment. Maybe two moments.
“But you knew I was into guys. Do you… remember that time at the- your dad’s restaurant. I was with a guy and I know you saw me kiss him,” he says. I roll my eyes.
“I guess I’m just not that outgoing… but go get her now. She’s less than a mile away,” I shrug.
Benji is suddenly sitting down and grabbing my hands the aura around him forcing me to meet his gaze.
“Joel, I’ve liked you for so long. Probably since the day you ran away from me all that twelve years ago. Hell, the only reason I think I started talking to Samara was to maybe get closer to you.” His licks his lips then bites his bottom one, thinking. “Then, you remember that day… it took a year just to get you to look at me after that.”
My face is red, it’s got to be a least 120 degrees in this room. I stand up and start walking way from him, forcing all images of that day out of my head. It’s your birthday Joel, you gotta be happy.
“Joel… will you be my boyfriend. I know it’s your birthday and this is a pretty selfish present, but I want you so bad.”
The words pierce the nape of my neck and I feel his heated body wrap itself around me from behind.
“Please Joel…please,” he begs, whispering tenderly into my ear.
“Y-yeah,” I fight to get out over the lump in my throat. “Yes.”
Everyone is singing me happy birthday, but the only person I’m looking at is Benji. His eyes, smiling knowingly to me and I concentrate on his voice, picking it out of the other 3 individuals. I can’t believe it. I honestly have no words in my brain. Ever since Benji told me he wanted me to be his, my brain power has been zero to none. I’ve been just a pile of gooey, smiling flesh. Utterly pathetic looking and possibly on the verge of being embarrassing if Benji wasn’t the same exact way. Josh knows exactly what’s going on between us. He walked into the pool house and caught the two of us making out on the couch, Benji’s hands all over me. I absolutely love it. He’s a touchy-feely kind of guy and let me tell you, I am all for it. His gentle, smooth hands caressing my skin in the most loving nature. I have no clue how long we were going at it, and honestly I couldn’t care less.
“Happy Birthday day, to you!”
Everyone sings the finally line landing on some horrendous note that on a normal occasion might possibly cause my ears to bleed, but in the end just adds to the icing on the cake when it comes to how awesome my birthday has been. The crappier the last line sounds, the more you know the people around you care. Eh? Well that’s what I think anyway.
“Make a wish Joel,” my mother whispers loudly. I sit there and think for a moment, my cake and burning candles staring back at me. What should I wish for.
I look across the table and up at all of my family. I see my mothers face and my father’s proud smile. Josh is grinning from ear to ear and then I look over to Benji who’s just eyeing me with this curious look.
“Need some help?” he asks me. He stands up from his seat and comes over next to me, squeezing into my personal place a little bit. My eyes close once I feel his breath on my ear as he whispers so quiet, I strain myself to hear everything.
“Do you mind if I borrow your candles to make a wish? We’ll blow them out together so it works,” he says. Once he pulls back a little, I turn my face to look into his eyes. So close to mine, so beautiful. I nod my head slowly and simultaneously, we both lean forward and blow them out.
Immediately my whole family claps and cheers, hoots and hollers and makes as much noise as 3 people can. I laugh and bid thanks to them all.
“Benji, would you like to sit next to Joel?” she asks pulling out the seat that she’s sat in for all my birthdays since as far back as I can remember. Benji looks to me and at my surprised face then smiles warmly back at her.
“Nah, I don’t wanna impose or anything, I can sit across, it’s cool,” he brushes it off. What my mother does next, surprises even me.
“Oh don’t kid yourself. I just saw the way you to looked at each other. I’ve been sittin’ next to Joel for 17 years now, I think the chairs getting tired of my sorry old ass.”
Josh coughs, dad laughs, I hiccup and Benji just looks around at us all like he doesn’t know what to do. At this point my mom pulls out the chair and pushes him down into it.
“There, see, that wasn’t so hard, now was it?” She stalks off to go get some napkins and silverware, while dad cuts up the cake.
I reach under the table and grab Benji’s hand. At first his body tenses up, like he wasn’t expecting to be touched, or totally just zoned out. But then he looks over to me and squeezes my hand a little, running the pad of his thumb over mine.
Oh god. It’s gotta be way too early to tell him I love him. But the sad thing is… I’ve liked him for so long, to have him- I think I really do.
“We… can’t say… out here… forever,” I fight to get out between Benji’s light pecks. Once he thinks I’m done speaking, he opens my mouth using his tongue and explores all I have to offer. I move my tongue against his, my fingers holding firmly behind his head. We’re currently making out in my car which is parked in his driveway. He keeps insisting that nobody is gonna fucking care, but I don’t know. I just feel weird, like someone watching us? Then again I may just be paranoid.
“God Joel, you’re such a good kisser…” Benji breathes all sexy, hot and bothered in my ear. I moan just from the sound of his voice let alone the feel of his hand traveling down my lower back. I suppose that’s a good thing about the Impala. There’s no arm rest between front seats and Benji is taking full advantage of that, nearly pulling my body on top of his own. If we had more room, I bet he’d try. Our lips moving, tongues caressing in some heated form of bliss. My feels so light right now and everything just seems perfect.
When Benji finally pulls away, we’re both trying to catch our breath.
“I don’t wanna say goodbye,” Benji pouts, his fingers on my chin, lifting my face up to look at him. I don’t fight him, easily melting into his touch.
“Neither do I, but-”
Benji cuts me off with another kiss. My eyes shut and my head tilts almost as a reflex. Benji holds my face and kisses me slowly; like he’s trying to make this kiss mean something as well and holy fuck can I feel it. Now I’ve imagined Benji kissing me a thousand times over, in a million different fantasies, but nothing- absolutely fucking nothing can compare to the real thing. To having his lips brushing against mine, to having his rough, yet gently fingers threading through my hair and caressing my cheek.
When Benji pulls away it takes me a second to open my eyes and when I do that killer fucking smile that will forever invade my dreams is just an inch away.
“See you tomorrow okay?” he says. I nod my head dumbly. I would speak but I have a feeling that any noise that leaves my mouth has a 99.9% chance of embarrassing the fuck out of me.
“Bye Benji,” I squeak as he’s sliding out the passenger door. See why I try not to use my fucking mouth?
“Later Joel.”
To Be Continued...
Thanks to everyone that reviewed the last chapter! Please review again! -Jess
Author: Um. Me. x-tired-crazy-x
Summary: AU (not related. SRY) Joel crushes on Benji… in epic proportions. The story takes place during their senior year of high school. I know… I’m so creative. Anyways, the whole world is… Wait, no, better than that, the entire universe is working against him. Can they even manage to get together or will evil scheming bitches keep them apart? Who knows? You gotta read it. It’s like a mystery.
Disclaimer: Not real. Never happened. Kind of impossible.
Last Minute Notes: This story is mildly complete. Right now, its over 50 pages. And I’m on the last part. I just felt like getting it up. (Posting it that is.)
Joel Has This Crush...
Crushes and Kisses Anyone?
Today was Friday and pretty much one of the best school days of my life. Considering Benji and I talked until 3-ish in the morning, I resorted to carrying a thermos of coffee around to all of my pre-lunch classes. In between each class Benji would come and find me to chat for the constricted 5 minute passing time. During lunch Benji sat with me in the cafeteria and we chatted avidly back and forth about everything and anything and I can’t believe how easy it is to talk to him. His opinions and views on things are so similar to mine, yet he has his own unique twist on stuff that makes even the most boring subject suddenly new and interesting. When I told him my birthday was tomorrow he flipped out asking me why I hadn’t told him sooner. I felt so cool, feeling so important to him. He asked me what I was doing after school today and I told him I was probably going to hang out with my brother.
“Josh?” he questioned. I raised my eyebrows in surprise that he new anything about me.
“Yeah, he’s visiting from college for my birthday,” I explained.
“That’s cool,” Benji said looking down at his bag of Smartfood Popcorn tipping the bag into his mouth.
The whole aura around him was suddenly different. His body language changed as he stared somewhere behind my head.
“I’ll probably end up chillin’ with Samara,” he said but he didn’t sound enthusiastic about it at all.
“Wanna hang out with me and my brother? I warn you, he’ll probably end up taking lots of pictures,” I told him. He immediately perked up with a smile.
“Yeah that sounds awesome,” he grinned and I smiled back.
So here we all are, Josh driving my Impala to a park that’s a town over and all nature-filled. Benji and I are in the back seat, but he’s holding a conversation with Josh about photography and he seems genuinely interested in it which is really cool. Josh knows all about my boycrush on Benji, so when I asked him if it was okay that I invited Benji he just snorted at me and asked why wouldn’t it be?
“Wow, I haven’t been here in forever,” Josh announces. I look around as Josh parks in the lot, my eyes scanning the surroundings. Nothing has really changed since the last time we were here but the season. It’s the beginning of spring, so the air is slightly nippy, but the leaves are budding and the air is fresh.
“This place is really nice, I’ve never been here before,” Benji says quietly standing behind me.
“Really, I used to come here all the time when I was a kid,” I say turning slightly to face quite literally, ‘the man of my dreams.’
“That’s so cool, who used to take you?” he asks.
“Josh,” I respond watching as my brother empties out his camera stuff on the trunk of my car, leaving the lens cover in the case. He slings the case around his neck and motions for us to follow him.
“I wish I had an older brother,” Benji admits in a small voice looking down. I suddenly feel really thankful for having Josh there for me. I forget sometimes that not everyone has an extremely wonderful family as I do.
“Well I wish I had a little sister,” I tell him and he immediately smiles so I do this little victory dance in my head.
“I have got to have the coolest littler sister in the word. No joke. I don’t even care how un-modest that is. Sarah is the sweetest little shit.”
I laugh out loud to that. “Well look at who her older brother is,” I say. He blushes falling into step with me.
“Wanna rest around here?” Josh interrupts Benji and I’s little conversation. I look around at our surroundings. There’s a couple of rocks to sit on and we’re surrounded my thick tall trees and the sun is casting down shoot random rays of light to the forest floor. It’s beautiful.
“Sure,” I say to Josh. Next I grab Benji’s hand. “Come on lets go be models.”
“Don’t look at the camera so much,” I chastise Benji as he attempts to pose every time Josh snaps a shot.
“It’s so weird!” he complains folding his arms across his chest. I look over and Josh is fiddling around with the lens or something, not paying attention to us. I gently and possibly kind of cautiously place a hand on Benji’s forearm. His body tenses and I just stare at his face until his eyes meet mine.
“Relax Benji, it’s just pictures,” I say, slow and soothing. We’re both leaning up against a giant tree, now facing each other. I hear a couple of clicks coming from Josh’s camera. Benji slowly turns his lips into a smile and scoots closer to me. One of his arms comes up to rest on my shoulder, his fingers gently thread through my hair. His eyes stay connected to mine and I hear another click.
“I love your hair,” he states quietly so Josh can’t hear it. I immediately blush and look down at my shoes. They’re half covered by my semi-baggy jeans, plain no-top Chucks.
Benji’s hand that was playing with my hair is suddenly on the bottom of my chin tilting my head upwards. My eyes flash to his lips before I get back to his eyes. I wonder if he notices, but if he does he shows no signs.
“I- god do you know how adorable you are? You could make any guy think he was gay,” he tells me and I do this chuckle type thing, but keep my mouth closed so air comes rushing out my nose and the red in my face intensifies. Josh is in the background still taking picture after picture, but I’m pretty much oblivious to it, as is Benji.
Benji moves his hand so his fingers massage the hair on the back of my neck. His thumb still rests on my cheek and I can’t help myself. I close my eyes.
“I’m just gonna do this,” I hear Benji mumble and before any of my senses can pick up on it, Benji’s lips are barely touching mine and my knees nearly buckle at the feeling. I take the initiative to press our lips together more firmly and then the next thing I know Benji is sucking my bottom lip into his mouth so I kiss his top lip but then he pulls away gradually. I don’t want to open my eyes, but I do and his are still closed. I notice that my hand is now holding his hand at our sides even though I don’t exactly know how that happened. I can tell Benji has opened his eyes when I feel him grip my hand tighter then he was, the fingers of his other hand resting on my neck, thumb gently rubbing my cheek.
“Look at me?” he asks in a small hopeful voice. So I do. I look into his eyes and get lost in thoughts that I shouldn’t be thinking. The thoughts that I’m always thinking. I’m thinking that this isn’t real. That how the fuck did I just kiss Benji Madden the crush of my life- Mr. Popular himself. But here he is, leaning in to peck my lips again and this time I don’t close my eyes; don’t take my eyes off of him. I can’t, it’s like my eye lids are glued open or something. I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe this, but the look that’s on his face and the way his eyes are searching mine, just like I am to him proves to me that whatever is going on between us is real. This… this is genuine.
A random flash from the camera seems to wake us up out of our own little word, reminding us that there is a third party present. Benji kind of moves away from me, but keeps holding my hand. We both face Josh and Benji rests his head on my shoulder, our fingers laced between us as Josh takes one final shot in this location.
My big brother all but ran in the house as soon as he parked my car in the garage, saying he wanted to go hurry up and upload the photos on the computer. He’s such a photography nerd sometimes. I’m kind of happy that he used his digital camera instead of the camera he uses for some of his classes, because then we don’t have to wait for him to develop them by hand as he does for hobby and school.
Anyway, he left Benji and me in the back seat of my car and neither of us has made an attempt to move. Our sides are pressed up together, our fingers are still laced and resting on his lap and our heads are resting against each other. I love the feeling of his warmth right next to me, yet being home brings up this bittersweet thought that his girlfriend is right next door.
Benji suddenly sits up and detaches himself from me quite abruptly. I sit up too, feeling sad, but I mean. I was kinda expecting it to happen sooner or later.
“I have to go talk to Samara,” he announces. I look down at my fingers picking at one of my fingernails.
“Kay,” I say, but it comes out hoarse and embarrassing. I have a feeling he’s going to tell her that he has something with me and if he does she’s only going to hate me more and make my life even worse. I want to tell him that if he cares about me at all then he won’t tell her anything. But he barely knows me, how could he care about me. Not a word passes my lips.
Benji reaches out the distance between us and grips my hand I think tighter than he intended as he squishes my fingers.
“I’ll call you tonight or text you or something,” he offers, his voice so quiet, so gentle… so sweet.
“Okay.” My voice is stronger now but not by much.
“Look at me Joel,” Benji pleads and I can’t. I feel the lump growing in my throat and I purse my lips. “Please Joel, just look at me,” he begs. I close my eyes and feel a tear slide down my cheek. I shake my head quickly some how managing to squeeze out some words that vaguely resemble, “I can’t.”
“Joel.”
I feel Benji’s thumbs attempt to brush away my tear, which is on the verge of being tears. I shake him off.
“Just go!” I order, my voice harsh and scratchy. He waits for something. For me to give in, turn to him and tell him I need him or something, but it doesn’t happen. I want to so bad, but he doesn’t feel that way about me. He can’t. I’m Joel Combs and he’s Benji Madden. He opens the door and exits the car slowly giving me every opportunity in the world to say something, but I don’t.
The door closes and I can’t hold it in anymore. I sob.
I’m lying in my bed with my eyes open staring at the ceiling. I can’t sleep and it’s quite literally killing me. I’ve done all my old tricks from closing my eyes and concentrating on just breathing to counting fucking sheep I’m so desperate, but no matter what I end up tossing and turning. It’s 11:30 at night, which isn’t that late. I don’t know what exactly is keeping me awake. The culprit lies somewhere between Benji never calling me or texting me or anything-ing me and the fact that my birthday is tomorrow and I have no friends, no life. Just… nothing.
It makes me want to either explode or kill myself (either way I get to die), but instead I place my palms to my eyelids and groan loudly. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a purpose… I’m just a complete teenage failure and it’s not even by choice. I’m just good for nothing. Not even a relationship. It’s like my life was condemned to hell the second I moved next door to one Samara Avery Grace. Heh, should be Samara Cunt-rag Grace, but that probably didn’t fit on the birth certificate.
“I called her on the phone and she touched herself- I laughed myself to sleep,” sings my phone from it’s place on my nightstand. I forevermore will deny the fact that I all but flung my body to the side of my bed nearly knocking my phone, my lamp, my glasses, pretty much everything off the nightstand in a fit of haste.
It’s a text from Benji’s number and my fingers fumble around trying to slide the damn thing open. Finally my eyes scan the mini-screen.
Let me in the front door. Please…
I stare at it for a couple more seconds. Did that mean Benji was outside my house right now? What the fuck? I look over at the clock and it’s 11:42. I think about my options. I could just text Benji back telling him to go away and he’ll go back to Samara’s house and do god knows what and I can go back to my safe life all alone or I can go downstairs open that door and-
I don’t have a fucking clue what. But that’s why I’m opening that door in 2 seconds flat only to be met with Benji. He’s standing there in his giant sweatshirt with the hood up, his body mostly blending in with the darkness.
“Can I come in?” he asks his voice sounds broken and dull, not like it normal has when he’s talked to me. I don’t know if my voice is working at the moment. I don’t know what will come out if attempt to talk so I just stand aside and open the door a bit wider. Benji understand the gesture and walks passed me in the hallway. I close the door behind him and lock it soundlessly. I then walk down the hallway and Benji follows me.
“Want anything to eat or drink?” I ask picking at the bottom of my T-shirt. I’m only wearing my T-shirt and boxers, but whatever. I don’t fucking care. It’s not like I’m fat. That’s one thing I’ve got going for me.
“No,” Benji replies and damn, he sounding sheepish.
“Come on, we’ll just go to my room,” I manage to get out sounding half-human. I start leading us upstairs and Benji’s totally silent seemingly lost in his head. I wonder if he’s feeling the same dilemma as me… totally at a loss of words because what the fuck should I say to him? All I wanna do is ask him what happened at Samara’s. He’s still got that stupid hood on and I kind of wish he’d take it off because I think seeing his face might help me calm down or something as dumb as that sounds.
When we reach my room I open the door once again allowing Benji to pass me. I close the door and lock that as well turning around to watch Benji as his eyes scan the walls of my room. My posters, the ticket stubs from rock shows as well as really cool movies I enjoyed. Back when it was safe to go to movie theaters, that is.
“Whoa,” he breathes.
“What?” I ask automatically coming out defensive. It’s habit.
“Nothing but this-” he points to a Sex Pistols poster with Johnny, Steve, Sid, and Paul all glaring at him, the guys in black in white surrounded by yellow with pink letters that spell out the bands name. “Is fucking awesome,” he finishes from inside his hood. I smile to myself and shrug.
“Yeah, my brother got it for me last year. It’s really old, he bought it from this guy who used to own a music store and was pawning his shit off on Ebay. Seriously, one of the best presents I’ve ever gotten for my birthday except for my car probably,” I ramble because it’s what I do when I’m nervous and well, Benji has that effect on me.
“It’s totally sick,” he says and turns to me. Our eyes lock and I can’t stand it, I have to look away.
Benji takes that as I precursor to speak. “I um, thanks for letting me in,” he says. I grunt and walk over to my bed flinging myself onto the disheveled covers. “I want- well. I need to talk to you about some stuff,” he adds and I feel queasy all of a sudden. Talking is usually never good.
“Okay,” I say, my face smushed into the cloth of my comforter.
“Could you look at me?” he requests.
“No.”
“Joel, would you please look at me. I- god. Just please?” He’s fucking begging me again. Damn him and his worn out, scratchy, sexy voice he’s got. Is it bad that I think him sounding distressed is kind of hot?
“Take off your stupid hood and I’ll look at you,” I bargain.
“Fine,” and is it bad that I can totally just sense the fact that he’s shrugging. I slowly pick my body up so I’m sitting and facing him. As my eyes trace up his body to his face, he lifts off his hood revealing scratch marks on his cheeks and a purple bruise around his eye.
“Benji, what the fuck happened?” I demand. Benji’s suddenly gone teary eyed and red-faced and fuck my anger, he looks like he’s in pain. I can’t stop myself I stand up and hug him really hard, nearly knocking him to the ground. I feel his arms come around my torso and as soon as Benji’s head dips into my neck I feel wetness on the collar of my shirt and holy fuck. He’s crying. Benji Madden is crying in my arms.
I don’t know if I should ask him again what happened, or what’s wrong. I figure Samara probably did this to him and it makes me hate her even more, but I’m not going to voice that because I don’t want to lose this moment. Benji seems like he really needs someone right now and boy do I love being that person.
He sniffs, but doesn’t make any effort to move away from me. I start rubbing slow circles on his back trailing my fingers up and down in a hopefully soothing manner.
“Th-feelsgood,” he mumbles to me in a mesh of sounds. I smile silently bringing one hand up to trail through the hair on the back of his neck. I’ve never been there like this for someone before, but I’ve watched enough chick-flicks to know what to do.
When Benji pulls away, I have to admit I don’t want him to. I’d rather him just stay in my arms all night and we can just forget about talking about Samara or whatever and just chill in my bedroom. But I know that’s unlikely so I grudgingly let him go. Then, I let out a shaky breath I suppose I was holding… didn’t notice that.
Benji sways on his feet for a second before catching himself. I eye him carefully, he looks pale and sick and his eyes are puffy and his purple one is swelling.
“I uh. I know I said I wanted to talk. But like. Can I crash on the couch or um. I don’t know like…” Benji is stuttering and blabbering like a buffoon. I thought I’d never live to see the day. Hell, it reminds me that he’s still human and not some kind of god.
I turn my back on him and jump back in my bed.
“Just get in my bed, it’s a king size. More than enough room,” I tell him sounding way cooler and more nonchalant then I’ll ever be. I don’t wait for him to say anything. I don’t turn to look at him. I just lean to turn off the bedside lamp and snuggle into my pillow. I feel the bed dip and my heart jumps into my throat with glee. God that sounds retarded.
Okay, so maybe I do look over to him. I open at eye to watch him toe off his shoes, take of his hoodie, shimmy of his pants, adjust his boxers (oh god) and climb under the covers with me. But that wasn’t really looking at him. No, I was peeking. Yeah, like a peeping Tom’s definition of looking, but whatever fuck it.
I try to fall asleep before I feel the heat of his body beside me. It doesn’t work so now I’m faced with the challenge of trying to sleep next to Benjamin Madden and try not to dread the conversation that we face in the morning. God, I’m dreading my own goddamn birthday. I stare at my alarm clock watching the minutes tick by. His body is abnormally still and I wonder if he’s having troubles sleeping as well. I just keeping watching the lock and I watch it and watch it and watch it.
Maybe I should try counting sheep.
Benji makes a sudden movement next to me and I tense up. Way to play it cool, Combs.
“Are you falling asleep at all?” his voice penetrates the silence. I sigh and shake my head, rolling on my back and staring at the ceiling.
“No such luck,” I reply and he laughs.
“Wanna talk?”
I grunt.
“Is that a yes?”
I sigh again and roll my eyes. “I have a feeling even if I said ‘no’ you’d probably continue speaking anyway.” Benji laughs again.
“Jeez, fine cranky pants.” He rolls over.
“I’m not cranky!” I say loud and defensive. I feel the bed dip beside me and in the darkness I see the shadow of Benji sitting up.
“You were right, your bed really is huge…” he comments.
“The life of the wealthy?” I say, but it’s in that question kind of tone.
“Yeah, big beds, kick ass cars, awesome posters, a laptop, one of those stupid chocolate cell phones…” Benji rambles off.
“Hey! Don’t talk shit on my phone, I take that personally,” I tell him while I sit up and lean over to put the light back on. Immediately my bedroom comes into view, the light dim, but pleasant. I can’t help but look over Benji face and honestly, as corny as this is, I totally see passed his black eye and the scratches and I just see him. Beautiful as ever… in my bed… shirtless.
“I’m not really tired anymore,” Benji states all matter-of-fact.
“Huh,” I breathe out. “Why is that?”
“I don’t know…” he says in a tone of voice that ends the subject.
“Hey, do you know if you’re brother got those pictures onto a computer or something?” Benji sits up totally, pushing the blankets down and crossing his legs.
“Duh,” I take a second to think. To back track my brain from all that’s gone on in the last 20 minutes. “Oh yeah,” I remember. “He sent them to me, I haven’t uh. I haven’t looked at them yet,” I say slowly picking at my fingers.
“Do you want to look at them together?”
It takes me a second but eventually my eyes make their way to his. They’re gentle yet cautious, his eyebrows raised in a way that breathes innocence all over his face. There’s a small half smile fighting with his lips. He looks hopeful.
I don’t say anything. That sensation where I become unsure if my voice even works takes over. Soundlessly, I bend over the side of my bed and reach down, coming back up with my laptop in hand. When I turn around I see Benji’s eyes leaving trails all over my body and I clear my throat loud and abrupt.
“Uh-um,” he makes his funny noise, “Sorry,” he shakes his head and blushes deep crimson red.
I lean up against the headboard of my bed, moving my pillows around to make room for him next to me.
"I don't care," I smirk placing the laptop on my lap and opening it up watching the screen come to life from its previous stand-by setting. I type in my security setting and all the things that I had been on before I attempted to go to bed for the 37th time reload before my eyes.
I go to my mail and notice some new Myspace reminders for friend requests, messages, and comments. I scan through it all to find my brother's email. Finally deathBYEstereo@yahoo.com catches my eye and I click on it.
"Death by stereo?" Benji asks curiously while the next page loads.
"Yup, you ever seen The Lost Boys?" I question him. I scroll down on Josh's email, his little message is: You two are cute. I roll my eyes and click on the attachment, then allow it to download the file. Whenever Josh sends me more than one picture he puts it in a folder because it's just easier for the both of us as to downloading each picture one by one.
"Is that the one about those kids that find that pirate ship with all that gold in it?"
I can't help by laugh and shake my head. "Close, the two Coreys are in it," I say with a grin. I start fiddling around after the file has downloaded to find it in my pictures. To say the least, I have a lot.
"You know the movie about the Vampires in Santa Monica? Murder capital of the world and stuff," I try.
"I know that one!" Benji nearly yells.
"Dude, shut the fuck up... there are people trying to sleep in my house," I remind him. Benji closes his mouth abruptly.
"Whoops, sorry," he whispers over-exaggerating.
"You don't have to fucking whisper," I nudge his side. He half smiles.
"Now, I'm not gonna get you in trouble for being here?" his tone of voice changes to unsure. I just shrug.
"I doubt it, it'll be my birthday and the first time I have anyone over to share it with besides Samara so if anything they'll be happy you're here..." I say looking down at my hands resting on the keypad. I can feel Benji's eyes on me and I do my best to shake the sad feeling from my head. "Anyway, you're not gonna get chewed out by your folks for being out for the night?"
Benji remains silent for a moment before he speaks. "Nope. If anything they think I'm at Samara's. But it's Friday night. They definitely don't expect me to be home," he explains. I nod my head slowly.
I find the pictures and open them up, flicking on the first one watching as it becomes big. I push the screen back a bit so Benji can get a better look.
The first one is of both of us from behind. We're holding hands and walking down a dirt path further into the forest. I remember pulling on his hand, but I had no clue Josh was already taking pictures. In front of us you can see the sun's rays and it has an awesome effect on everything.
"That's really cool," Benji immediately says. "Go the next one." I click on the right arrow button and the picture changes. Benji and I are sitting on rocks and it's of when he was trying to pose for every shot. I can only imagine how frustrated Josh was getting with him.
After about 20 minutes of analyzing every photo and complimenting each other on how good the other looks my heart starts beating faster because I know what's coming. My palms are getting slippery as I click the next button and the sequence of pictures in front of the big tree begin. His arms are resting on my shoulders; my eyes averted to the ground, shyly. My arms won’t move, my eyes are stuck staring at the screen and everything, all of it comes hitting me full force in the gut. Benji has no clue what the kiss meant to me. What it means to me. He can’t possibly.
That kiss, lock of the lips made novel worthy thoughts invade my head. Thoughts that maybe I am a normal teenager. Maybe I’m not as pathetic as I feel.
There’s something you have to understand. Benji has been my crush, and my only crush since I was a little kid. Sure, I’m gay… but Benji’s the only guy I’ve ever thought of being with. It kind of started out as hero worship back in fourth to sixth grade. He would always stick up for the little guy aptly named Joel Combs who the guys picked on because I can’t even deny this: I’m kind of short. The guys used to steal my lunch and break my glasses, but if Benji were around he’d tell them to stop. The guys used to call him names, asking why he was always sticking up for the loser. He always shrugged never giving them an answer and I just thought that he was the coolest thing in the world. Of course so did everyone else.
Middle school rolls around and suddenly life is all about who’s making out with who, Katie was dating Johnny and Michelle gave a hand-job to Josh, can you believe it? I had Samara though and she was there for me no matter what. She was my girl friend for 3 years, from 6th grade to 9th and for those three years nobody bothered me. Nobody called me trash names. Girls would send me notes asking me to break up with her and date them, because at that point Samara wasn’t the queen bee she sees herself as now and I loved her. Not love like I can’t live with her love. But puppy love. She after all was my first girl.
We broke up, but it was mutual… so we could both explore other possibilities while in high school. It would be to naïve to think that we’d stay together forever so why waste time. It took awhile but we eventually become comfortable as best friends. That’s when I told her about my secret crush on Benji. She was all giggles and "Oh my god, Joel!" when I told her. It had to be 6 months into freshman year, I don't know what month that really makes it, January? February? Well that's when her plot to ruin my life must have began.
"Don't worry Joel, I'll talk to him, y'know, feel him out," she said while nudging my side. I blushed harshly and coughed.
"Samara, don't!" I begged.
"Oh come on, isn't love all about taking risks?" Samara had her hands on her hips, flipping her long dark brown hair over her shoulders. She's one of those contagious people. Kind of like Benji, but Benji has so much more than her. She has potential, but he's like 'the real deal.' She told me to chill in the library during lunch one day while she went to talk to him for me.
She never came back.
I am physically unable to click the pictures as they get closer to that certain one. The pictures play out like a movie and in my head, all the feelings from before come crashing down. A whirlwind of emotions I can't even decipher. All the years of pent up anger and all the frustration of being alone. Of graduating this year and being even less than I was when I started. Because hell, it doesn't stop there, that would be too easy.
I remember calling Samara after school that day and she didn't answer. I waited for her at the bus stop but she would come so late and then she wouldn't sit next to me. She would barely look at me. She sat in the back talking loudly about whatever topics came up to bat. I didn't really figure out that she was 'dropping' me as a friend or whatever until I saw her walking down the hallways holding hands with Benji. I was waiting for her by her locker, ready to ask her what was going on, and that was the answer I got. I remember fighting back the tears and swallowing down the lump in my throat.
Samara's style slowly changed into the whole, emo scene. She dyed her hair black, painted her nails, wore skirts with tacky fishnets. I'm all for the people dressing and acting how ever they want to act. If you wanna be a punk, go ahead. If you wanna fail all you're classes, go head. If you wanna do drugs, go ahead. My issue with Samara is that she's the exact opposite of all those things, but because she gets attention from doing it, so do you think she's gonna stop. She gets to hang on Benji's arm for acting like someone that she really isn't and that pisses me off. Fake mother-fuckers piss me the fuck off.
But that wasn't enough for her. Nope. She had to crush me, twist her foot till I was so deep in the ground it would take one of an eighteen wheeler truck to pull me out. Not only did she divulge the fact that I'm gay to anybody that would listen... She would tell them about how I'm a man whore and how I abused her.
Students would shove me into lockers non-stop, constantly throwing names in my face saying that I'm some kind of woman-hater. Thankfully my hero Benji was there. He never said anything to me, but he did point out that I dated Samara for 3 years and called her out on the lie. That was the basis of their first break up. Samara was so pissed, you see she blamed me.
So she told Michael Skilinski that I had a crush on him. To say the least he didn't like that very much.
At that point it wasn't enough to shove me into some lockers. It wasn't enough to beat me up in the courtyard or call me names and embarrass me in front of teachers.
No, what was enough was far worse. Far more humiliating. At this point in school it's all like a legend. Michael and his buddies were mysteriously expelled and the principal came on the loud speaker announcing and warning us that anyone who spoke about 'the incident' would be, "Suspended for 5 days, no ifs, ands, or buts about it."
So not many people know what happened because tell you what Michael wasn't talking about it and I sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up. Probably the most frightening 10 minutes of my life.
I feel a hand enclosing around mine and my body tenses up out of fear. The mixture of reliving old memories and the revelation that I'm not actually there anymore leaving my mind in a haze of confusion unable to really grasp what's going on.
Benji's hand is on my cheek slowly pulling my face towards his. My brain isn't registering any of this, but my body is as it relaxes into his touch almost as if it's a reflex or something.
"I broke up with her," Benji whispers just as our faces are an inch or so apart. My head tilts as our lips touch, gently meeting up for a slow, warm kiss. I can tell that Benji's really trying to make this mean something, what? I really don't know. But I can just tell. I feel his fingers press down on mine and as I hear the click we both pull away, even if we weren't really done kissing just to get a look.
It's beautiful. I can't even explain it. The way our eyes are closed and our bodies close. The sun setting, but it's nowhere near the main focus of the picture. It looks like everything, the trees, the rocks, the sky, just everything is there for us. It’s all just complimenting us.
I've never felt that I'd looked good in a picture. And Josh has taken plenty of pictures of me to say the least, but every picture we've looked at tonight Benji's told me how hot I am or how adorable I look. No one's ever said things like that to me. No one besides my family has ever told me anything positive about the way I am. But right here beside Benji, I feel good about myself. I don't feel like a failure.
I keep staring at the picture and I don't jump this time when I feel soft, wet kisses being placed along the side of my neck. I moan quietly and tilt my head to the side to give him more room.
"Wanna give sleep another go?" he mumbles breathily into my skin. I reluctantly pull away from him and nod closing my laptop and placing it back on the floor. When I turn back to him he's got the blankets pulled open for me and when I lay down he snuggles himself right into my side.
I smile and wrap an arm around him. Tell you what, it's not the blankets that are keeping me warm tonight. And I swear to God, right before my mind totally drifts away, I hear Benji say, “Happy Birthday.”
"You could be my punk rock princess, I could be your garage band king. You could tell me why you just don't fit in and how you're gonna be something. If I could be your first real heartache, I would do it over again. If you could be my punk rock princess; I could be like heroine."
What. The. Fuck.
I groan out loud as my brain's wheels start turning slowly and I wake up. The bed moves and I furrow my brow curiously. "Fucken' A." I hear someone that's not me mumble and my eyes shoot open. Holy shit, last night was real? I sit up too fast and have to put a hand on my head to still myself. And there Benji is crouched down by his jeans fiddling with his cell phone.
"Something Corporate?" I ask with a raised eyebrow. Benji jumps at the sound of my voice, but still smiles at me.
"It's my sister's favorite song, she set it as her ringer on my phone," he explains to me climbing back on my bed with his cell phone still in his hand. He surprises me by crawling up to me on the bed and placing a small peck on my lips.
"Your hair is absolutely adorable," he whispers to me morning breath and all.
"Your hair is better, let me assure you," I tease grabbing a wad of his hair and tugging on it so it sticks out. I pull back from him laughing and he laughs too.
"You're so mean!" He flails his body backwards on the bed. I shake my head at him.
"What did your sister want?" I ask him because I'm generally a curious kind of guy.
He throws me the phone. "It's the first text message, you might get a kick out of it," he says but there's something in his voice I can't quite grasp onto. It's not depressed or anything, it's just, maybe kind of sad?
I open his phone. He was one of those cell phones that flip open. I find his inbox and open the first message which is listed as from:bamf Sarah. I automatically smile at that. The message opens and my eyes read over the words.
Did u spend the nite at ur skanks house? Come home, Im bored
I immediately have to cover my mouth with my hand to keep myself from laughing to hard and offending Benji because he dated her on and off a while and even if he did break up with her for me or because of me; there's no way anybody can get over someone in less than 24 hours.
"That's Sarah for you," he says when I hand him back his phone.
"She’s um... seems sweet?" I say like it's a question.
"She can be if you're not related to her," Benji informs me and I nod my head in understanding.
He starts texting his sister back and I push the covers off of me and stand up. I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around Benji being on my bed. On having spent the night in bed with Benji. On Benji kissing me first thing this morning. I have to take a deep breath and shake my head a couple of times. I look around my room at his clothes scattered of the floor and I can't help but smile. I feel like I must be experiencing true insanity because how can something this good be happening to me.
I go over to my dresser still shaking my head and fish out two pairs of pajama bottoms. "These good for the morning?" I ask him tossing the maroon plaid pair.
Benji looks up to me and nods. "Yeah, thanks," he smiles. Once he finishes his text he stands up next to the bed and drops his phone on the bed. He steps in my pajamas one leg at a time, tying them off once they're on. I follow suit, my pair is the same thing except in green. Christmas present from my aunt Stacy. Probably the most comfy things I-
"Oh my god, these things are fucking comfortable!" Benji exclaims loudly smoothing the material over his legs. I laugh as he pretty much stole my thought.
"I know, they're my favorite," I tell him.
"God, everything you have is awesome. Your car, your laptop, your brother, your posters, your bed, now your pajamas," he lists off counting them off on his fingers.
"Whatever," I say because I don't know what to say with that. Benji walks over to me now with his arms folded across his chest.
"You are so awesome," he says, unfolding one of them so his thumb can rub over my cheek. "Happy Birthday," he speaks slowly with a hint of happiness lacing the words.
"Thank you," I reply with a toothy smile that's probably embarrassing but I can't help it. I can already tell this is going to be the best birthday ever and with that thought floating around my head it's hard not to smile.
"Benji, it's so nice to have you here for Joel's birthday," mom repeats for maybe the seventh time in the 20 minutes that we've been downstairs. As expected she totally doesn't give a fuck about the fact I'm gay and I had a boy spend the night in bed with me, or that I didn't have any permission. She's just happy that I'm happy and I am. Benji blushes again now for the seventh time. His eye is definitely black and it only took my mom about 10 seconds to pick up on not saying anything about it. She’s so perceptive and just all around awesome. I’m so lucky to have a mom like her and I know it.
"It's my pleasure Mrs. Combs," Benji says. Ohh, big mistake.
"I'm insulted. Call me Heather, I ain’t that old," mom chastises him playfully. I chuckle quietly.
"Mom, go easy on the poor kid," I hear Josh's easy going voice from the other side of the table. He smiles knowingly at me and I smile back.
"So birthday boy, I have sausage, pancakes, and grilled cheese for you." Mom places one of our giant, oval shaped plates in front of me and I look down at all the food cooked just the way I like it.
"Thanks Ma," I say and I feel her lean down and kiss the top of my head. I look over to Benji just as she does it, but he smiles at me almost longingly.
"What about me and Benji mom?" Josh questions.
"Hold your horses there Joshua or I may just not give you any food at all," she preaches patience to Josh while setting a plate identical to mine in front of Benji.
"Grilled cheese?" he looks to me puzzled poking at it with his fork.
"You've never had grilled cheese," I ask in my best you-gotta-be-kidding-me tone. He looks up at me shy and confused.
"Well not for breakfast," he explains still puzzled.
"If you don't wanna eat it, you don't have to," I shrug taking a bite out of my triangular piece. Since before I can remember, my mom has always cut my grilled cheese into triangles and now I won't eat grilled cheese unless it's like that. Did I ever mention that I'm weird?
As if I just challenged him Benji brings his own triangle-shaped-half, grilled cheese sandwich to his lips and takes a giant bite. I giggle at him and he smiles at me. A big happy grin with his mouth nearly busting open with food.
I would say it's gross, but it's actually insanely adorable.
“Happy birthday, son.” My dad’s voice startles me and I look up behind me to see my father entering the kitchen.
“Dad!” I shoot up from my seat and move to give him a hug. My dad’s arms enclose around me and he rubs my back for a second.
“Why aren’t you at work?” My brow is furrowed but I’m smiling pathetically and so what if I’m turning 18 and just hugged my dad. I turn to Benji who has a surprised look on his face.
“Work can go on without me for a day,” Dad shrugs. I smile and take my seat again.
“Dad, this is my friend Benji. Benji, this is my dad,” I introduce them both. But my dad laughs and is shaking his head leaving me seriously puzzled.
“I know Benji… the kid barely ever leaves the ‘ole restaurant,” My dad smiles down at him. “You best be stayin’ out of trouble. Now that you’re hanging out here with Joel, I don’t wanna hafta’ be gettin’ you outta those sticky situations,” my dad warns, knowing how I feel about him. I blush, but I’m nowhere near as red-faced as Benji. I would ask Benji what my dad means by ‘sticky situations,’ but by the look on my dad’s face and the way Benji’s eyes are refusing to meet mine; I come to the conclusion it’s the wrong place and wrong time. I’ll ask him later.
Dad hasn’t said anything about Benji’s eye either. Thankfully, but there’s some kind of tension that grows whenever they’re in the same room together. Whatever it is though, neither of them are letting it get in the way of my birthday which I’m thankful for because this has been probably my most favorite birthday ever. After breakfast, Benji and I took turns taking showers and then I leant some of my clothes out to him. He’s wearing an old pair of baggy blue jeans with my 4-row studded belt that I never wear and an old Grateful Dead concert-T of my dad’s back when he was a hippy. He roared with laughter upon seeing Benji with it.
“Can you even name 5 songs, not off the greatest hits,” my dad challenged.
“Dad go easy on him,” I teased.
“Fine, name three,” he then reiterated.
“Terrapin Station, Cassidy, and Run for the Roses,” I let the words role off my tongue. Dad laughed and said he asked Benji but I told him it’s my birthday and I can do whatever I want so he let Benji off the hook.
My mom won’t stop gushing about how ‘attractive’ Benji is whenever he leaves the room and the last time she did, he came back while she was rambling about his ass. Yet again, another Awkward situation. Yes that’s awkward with a capital ‘A.’
Josh for the most part has locked himself away in his room telling me that he’s working on my present. Which scares me really, but at the same time makes me feel important. For the first time in a long time I feel like a significant human being in the world full of billions. I don’t feel like this often and I know it’s going to be hard to let go.
“You’re family is so cool,” Benji says to me once we finally make a break for outside. Some time just to us. I have butterflies everywhere and that’s all I’m gonna say.
“Yeah, they can be…” I shrug, but I’m smiling because I know how true that statement is. “I love them, y’know? I know not many families are like mine,” I add and Benji nods.
“No kidding, these days if you’re parents aren’t divorced or split up, or if there isn’t some kind of ‘step-whoever’ involved, then there’s something wrong, not saying that there’s anything wrong with you’re family, but you know what I mean.”
I smile. “Don’t worry about it, I know what you mean.” I bite my lip then afterwards.
“What?” Benji asks. I look back at the house, we’re only in the backyard. I then start pulling Benji passed the swing set, my original plan, and over to the pool house. Once safely inside I sigh, long, drawn out.
“I’ve never told anyone this before. My family… we don’t ever bring it up,” I begin and Benji’s face immediately contorts into worry. I had grabbed his arm to pull him inside, but now he’s grabbing my hand and holding is securely in his slightly larger palm. The pool house is nice- kind of like a mini-apartment. A quick get-a-way as my family refers to it. I let Benji pull me to the couch and we sit down facing each other.
“My dad isn’t my biological father,” I say looking down at our hands. I hear Benji gasp.
“Are you serious?” he questions.
“No, I just told you that for shits’n’giggles,” I retort sarcastically. My eyes finally meet his and he looks surprised.
“If you don’t mind me asking, like… what happened?”
“My dad left us when I was six,” I shrug and Benji’s eyes pop out.
“Isn’t that- wait. Yeah, in first, second grade? You were mute for like a year!”
I close my eyes for a long moment. I have to. “You remember that?” I speak slowly shaking my head.
“Of course I do! I asked you to play tag with me and my friends once and you ran away from me, I thought you hated me!” Benji exclaims. He’s gripping my hand maybe a little too tight.
“No, I never hated you.” I say. “I just- y’know. I was six. I fucking blamed myself for it all. I don’t know. I had to go to child-therapy and shit for it, but whatever. It was years ago, my real dad was just an asshole and Steve is great, so you know what, he’s my dad and if my real dad ever comes back, I don’t need him. And he obviously doesn’t need me.”
“Me and Sarah have different fathers. My mom’s never married but her list of boyfriends rolls down to the floor and then some,” Benji tells me.
“Same with me and Josh,” I say almost laughing. “Josh is from my mom’s second marriage,” I explain.
“Oh my god, how many times has your mom been married?”
I laugh lightly and raise four fingers into the air. “Holy shit! Here I am thinking you’ve got the storybook family and… wow,” Benji stares at me in disbelief.
“Before Josh’s dad, Paul, she was married to some guy named Todd. They lasted like 2 years out of high school. Paul then lasted maybe 3 years, then my dad, Jeff, for 4 years and then a 3 year break and it’s been Steven ever since.”
“Well I’m sorry for assuming stuff,” Benji rushes to say.
“Don’t worry about it,” I shake a hand in the air. “It feels good to talk about this shit. It’s not even that depressing with you.”
“It really isn’t,” he scrunches up his face at me. “My mom has 3 boyfriends… all at once.”
Not it’s my turn to be surprise. “What… how?”
Benji’s laughter fills up the room. “I know, I have no fucking clue either. I mean, how do you even manage that?”
“Dude, I’m the worst person to ask about relationships.”
“And I’m so much better? I’ve been dating Samara on and off for 3 years and I still can’t get it right. No matter what I always feel like her intentions are somewhere else. Sarah says it’s because of my mom cheating so much, I can’t trust girls, but I don’t know,” he rambles on. I frown suddenly. The room falls silent and awkwardness is threatening to eat us up.
“What did she do to you? Please just tell me. Both of you are keeping it a secret from me and I just wanna know. I mean, I know about… that,” he says quietly. I close my eyes trying to get that memory out of my head. “But there’s more to it. I know there is.”
So I inhale loudly and exhale in the same fashion. “What do you like about her?” I ask suddenly and not even I have a clue where my brain is going with this.
“It’s more of what I liked about her. Not like,” Benji replies like that’s an answer. When I don’t say anything he continues. “Uh, well… she’s pretty,” he shrugs. “And she used to be so much fun to talk to. She used to tell stories about you, like way back in the beginning and one day she even set up a time for all of us to hangout. Then she changed the plans all abruptly, told me she thought I was the hottest guy in the school and I dunno. She’s outgoing and that’s something I love about people.”
I’m shaking my head slowly taking in everything he said hoping that maybe it’ll click in his head. When it does he stands up unexpectedly and raises a hand to cover his mouth. I look up at him guiltily.
“I liked you for years Benji,” I say in a flat tone. “Samara told me that she was going to get to know you and see if you were even into guys. Well, I guess you’re a whole lot cooler than me so it’s out with the old,” I motion to myself; “And in with the new,” I gesture out to him.
Benji’s silent for a moment. Maybe two moments.
“But you knew I was into guys. Do you… remember that time at the- your dad’s restaurant. I was with a guy and I know you saw me kiss him,” he says. I roll my eyes.
“I guess I’m just not that outgoing… but go get her now. She’s less than a mile away,” I shrug.
Benji is suddenly sitting down and grabbing my hands the aura around him forcing me to meet his gaze.
“Joel, I’ve liked you for so long. Probably since the day you ran away from me all that twelve years ago. Hell, the only reason I think I started talking to Samara was to maybe get closer to you.” His licks his lips then bites his bottom one, thinking. “Then, you remember that day… it took a year just to get you to look at me after that.”
My face is red, it’s got to be a least 120 degrees in this room. I stand up and start walking way from him, forcing all images of that day out of my head. It’s your birthday Joel, you gotta be happy.
“Joel… will you be my boyfriend. I know it’s your birthday and this is a pretty selfish present, but I want you so bad.”
The words pierce the nape of my neck and I feel his heated body wrap itself around me from behind.
“Please Joel…please,” he begs, whispering tenderly into my ear.
“Y-yeah,” I fight to get out over the lump in my throat. “Yes.”
Everyone is singing me happy birthday, but the only person I’m looking at is Benji. His eyes, smiling knowingly to me and I concentrate on his voice, picking it out of the other 3 individuals. I can’t believe it. I honestly have no words in my brain. Ever since Benji told me he wanted me to be his, my brain power has been zero to none. I’ve been just a pile of gooey, smiling flesh. Utterly pathetic looking and possibly on the verge of being embarrassing if Benji wasn’t the same exact way. Josh knows exactly what’s going on between us. He walked into the pool house and caught the two of us making out on the couch, Benji’s hands all over me. I absolutely love it. He’s a touchy-feely kind of guy and let me tell you, I am all for it. His gentle, smooth hands caressing my skin in the most loving nature. I have no clue how long we were going at it, and honestly I couldn’t care less.
“Happy Birthday day, to you!”
Everyone sings the finally line landing on some horrendous note that on a normal occasion might possibly cause my ears to bleed, but in the end just adds to the icing on the cake when it comes to how awesome my birthday has been. The crappier the last line sounds, the more you know the people around you care. Eh? Well that’s what I think anyway.
“Make a wish Joel,” my mother whispers loudly. I sit there and think for a moment, my cake and burning candles staring back at me. What should I wish for.
I look across the table and up at all of my family. I see my mothers face and my father’s proud smile. Josh is grinning from ear to ear and then I look over to Benji who’s just eyeing me with this curious look.
“Need some help?” he asks me. He stands up from his seat and comes over next to me, squeezing into my personal place a little bit. My eyes close once I feel his breath on my ear as he whispers so quiet, I strain myself to hear everything.
“Do you mind if I borrow your candles to make a wish? We’ll blow them out together so it works,” he says. Once he pulls back a little, I turn my face to look into his eyes. So close to mine, so beautiful. I nod my head slowly and simultaneously, we both lean forward and blow them out.
Immediately my whole family claps and cheers, hoots and hollers and makes as much noise as 3 people can. I laugh and bid thanks to them all.
“Benji, would you like to sit next to Joel?” she asks pulling out the seat that she’s sat in for all my birthdays since as far back as I can remember. Benji looks to me and at my surprised face then smiles warmly back at her.
“Nah, I don’t wanna impose or anything, I can sit across, it’s cool,” he brushes it off. What my mother does next, surprises even me.
“Oh don’t kid yourself. I just saw the way you to looked at each other. I’ve been sittin’ next to Joel for 17 years now, I think the chairs getting tired of my sorry old ass.”
Josh coughs, dad laughs, I hiccup and Benji just looks around at us all like he doesn’t know what to do. At this point my mom pulls out the chair and pushes him down into it.
“There, see, that wasn’t so hard, now was it?” She stalks off to go get some napkins and silverware, while dad cuts up the cake.
I reach under the table and grab Benji’s hand. At first his body tenses up, like he wasn’t expecting to be touched, or totally just zoned out. But then he looks over to me and squeezes my hand a little, running the pad of his thumb over mine.
Oh god. It’s gotta be way too early to tell him I love him. But the sad thing is… I’ve liked him for so long, to have him- I think I really do.
“We… can’t say… out here… forever,” I fight to get out between Benji’s light pecks. Once he thinks I’m done speaking, he opens my mouth using his tongue and explores all I have to offer. I move my tongue against his, my fingers holding firmly behind his head. We’re currently making out in my car which is parked in his driveway. He keeps insisting that nobody is gonna fucking care, but I don’t know. I just feel weird, like someone watching us? Then again I may just be paranoid.
“God Joel, you’re such a good kisser…” Benji breathes all sexy, hot and bothered in my ear. I moan just from the sound of his voice let alone the feel of his hand traveling down my lower back. I suppose that’s a good thing about the Impala. There’s no arm rest between front seats and Benji is taking full advantage of that, nearly pulling my body on top of his own. If we had more room, I bet he’d try. Our lips moving, tongues caressing in some heated form of bliss. My feels so light right now and everything just seems perfect.
When Benji finally pulls away, we’re both trying to catch our breath.
“I don’t wanna say goodbye,” Benji pouts, his fingers on my chin, lifting my face up to look at him. I don’t fight him, easily melting into his touch.
“Neither do I, but-”
Benji cuts me off with another kiss. My eyes shut and my head tilts almost as a reflex. Benji holds my face and kisses me slowly; like he’s trying to make this kiss mean something as well and holy fuck can I feel it. Now I’ve imagined Benji kissing me a thousand times over, in a million different fantasies, but nothing- absolutely fucking nothing can compare to the real thing. To having his lips brushing against mine, to having his rough, yet gently fingers threading through my hair and caressing my cheek.
When Benji pulls away it takes me a second to open my eyes and when I do that killer fucking smile that will forever invade my dreams is just an inch away.
“See you tomorrow okay?” he says. I nod my head dumbly. I would speak but I have a feeling that any noise that leaves my mouth has a 99.9% chance of embarrassing the fuck out of me.
“Bye Benji,” I squeak as he’s sliding out the passenger door. See why I try not to use my fucking mouth?
“Later Joel.”
To Be Continued...
Thanks to everyone that reviewed the last chapter! Please review again! -Jess