Fic: Inertia - Part 18 [The Closer]
Title: Inertia - Part 18 [The Closer]
Rating: PG - 13
Ship: Brenda/Sharon
Disclaimer: Not mine; never were! No copyright infringement intended.
Summary: With Fritz gone, and her relationship with Sharon growing more serious, Brenda begins to wonder about just how close she's willing to get to the other woman. Sharon, it seems, has already made that choice for them.
Previous Chapters ( One) ( Two) ( Three) ( Four) ( Five) ( Six) ( Seven) ( Eight) ( 9[a]) ( 9[b]) ( Ten) ( Eleven) ( Twelve) ( Thirteen) ( Fourteen) ( Fifteen) (Sixteen) ( Seventeen)
~
"If you ate the last of the candy, I swear I will hurt you." Brenda announces, groggy, as she wakes up from her nap.
"What? How? But?" Laura freezes as she stretches across her mother, her hand on the pile of Brenda's chocolate.
"I'm that good and I have a gun." Brenda murmurs, blinking her eyes open. It's still dark, still silent save for the electronic beeping which has been the soundtrack to her dreams. "How long have I been asleep?" Brenda asks - stretching up where she'd been hunched over.
"It's three now, a few hours? I figured you'd had a rough day."
"And Mama?"
"She just fell asleep." She points to the woman who had settled down in two chairs against the wall. "You know, she's pretty cool."
"I wouldn't know about cool, but...."
"No, really. You guys don't talk a lot, do you?"
"Why do you ask?" Brenda asked, reaching into the pile for something...there it was, a Twix.
"She wanted to know about you. And mom, but mostly you."
"What'd you tell her?"
"I don't know." Laura shrugged, "Generally we argue over the last cup of coffee, but other than that - you're ok."
"Thanks..." Brenda smirked, ripping open the chocolate bar.
"It's true - I told her if she wanted to know more, she should talk to mom. You know what's weird?"
"No what?"
"No one's said anything - you know, about there being three of us. Last time they made this big huge deal and...nothing."
"Did you want me to leave?" Brenda asked, feeling very foolish all of a sudden. She didn't have a right to be here, did she? Sharon had dumped her. Maybe Laura had known all along? She and Sharon were close, maybe they'd talked it over, made the decision together, tired of her presence in their life.
"No, God no, Brenda!" Laura reached out a hand and grabbed Brenda's own. "Not to get all cheesy on you, but I don't think I could be holding together without you and your mom here."
"Oh, I just wasn't -"
"You know Mel, right?"
"Of her. All tight and dyed?" She remembered vaguely the woman from her dinner with Sharon months and months ago. It was hard to think it was so long ago. She remembered the need to reach out and touch Sharon that night, the way it gnawed at her until she brushed her hand against the other woman's and the shock when she realized the craving didn't go away.
"That's the one." Laura laughed. "You know I only met her once?"
"Well you lived in New York." She didn't know where this was going. She was still sleepy though. Maybe it's become clear soon.
"No, I was home for a month that summer. She was always angling for an invite over, I don't think she ever got one. Are you going to keep molesting that chocolate bar, or are you going to share?"
"I think we broke up today." Brenda said. It was the first time she said it. Out loud. She hadn't even let herself think it. She offered a Twix to Laura, then snapped hers in half. It felt good to break something, even if it was just a chocolate bar. She began chewing a mouthful as she mulled over the words she had just said. It felt weird. She tried to think back to the last time she was dumped. Fritz didn't count, they had both been waiting for that one. Will, well...it was mutual, they both knew there was little between them except for some pretty decent sex. And her ex-husband, well he was just an asshole. And then there was... None of this was making her feel better. She would have to rethink her strategy.
"Well then," Laura said slowly, processing Brenda's information, switching her melting chocolate from one hand to another, "I suppose this isn't how you intended to end your day."
"No." Brenda snorted, "It certainly wasn't". Exhaustion and weariness having worn her down to her most basic elements, the snort turned into a chuckle, then into a slow laugh that built up, releasing every emotion that was coursing through her, lurking just under her skin until it felt like it was crawling over her.
It was laugh, Brenda realized, or cry, but she wouldn't cry, not here. Crying would make it real and she certainly wasn't ready for this situation to be real. She didn't have nearly enough chocolate on hand.
"I think it's a cop thing." Laura said after a moment, biting into her chocolate.
"The break up?"
"The not saying anything thing."
"Maybe. Professional courtesy?" Brenda is too busy trying to deconstruct why Laura brought up Mel, but it's the middle of the night and she's running on fumes right now. "Are you sure it's OK that I'm here?"
"It is to me. Do you want to be here? Because I'd understand if you didn't."
"I..." Brenda sighs. She does want to be here, she doesn't know why, but she does. She wants to be there when Sharon wakes up and she wants to be the one to wrap her hands around the stubborn woman's neck and threaten her with death if she dares to do something as idiotic as diving in front of a bullet again.
"You can leave, Brenda, if that's what you want. She'd never know."
"I'm afraid that that's what she wants."
"Mom's afraid of what she wants. She's stupid like that - what?" Laura smiles, "Just because she's in the hospital doesn't make it less true! Grandma always encouraged us to be honest." The younger woman eyes her calmly. "You can leave, but you won't."
"I won't."
"The question is why?"
"Because I..." She opens her mouth and nothing comes out.
She shuts it and then tries again.
Brenda can't help but smile, because to her sleepy brain, Laura looks just like her mother - her eyebrow arched and her lips set in a firm line to keep from smiling. She worries she'll never see that look again. And that's when it hits her. She's in love with Sharon Marie Raydor. She knew she enjoyed sex with her, but she also enjoyed sex with her vibrator, she wasn't in love with it. She knew she liked spending time with her. She knew she wanted to spend more time with her - she wanted to spend every waking moment arguing with, teasing, making fun of and having fun with her. She can feel her heart swell just by thinking those words: love and Sharon. She has to look up to make sure no one's turned on the light because that's what it feels like, as if the lights have suddenly gone on or the curtain's been pulled back and she's able to look at everything in the full brightness of day. She holds on to the moment, relishing it. It feels like cracking a case, but a hundred times bigger and better.
"When are your grandparents comin' in?" Brenda asks, changing the topic. She picks off an imaginary piece of lint from the bed and drops it on the floor. She avoids eye contact with Laura, afraid of what might show through her eyes.
"Tomorrow morning - they're on a red-eye now. Adam's coming with them."
"Your brother?"
"Yeah, although I doubt you'll see him."
"Oh." She tries not to be insulted or upset, choosing to feign curiosity or indifference instead.
"Not the you thing -" Laura laughs, like her mother, she has a knack for saying just what the person in front of them was thinking. "He doesn't do hospitals."
"You'd think he'd make an exception."
"Mom never told you about dad, did she?"
"No. She never brought it up and I-"
"Never wanted to?"
"Something like that." Brenda could feel a blush spreading across her cheeks. "It seemed nosy."
"Somehow, that doesn't seem to be the type of thing that would bother you." Laura shrugs with a knowing look, "It was a crash. He picked us up from school and there was some guy who drove through a stop sign. Maybe he drove through the stop? Anyway - it just happened."
"I'm sorry." This is why she didn't bring up Sharon's husband. Part of her didn't want to know. She was allergic to grief, especially the grief of others. She didn't know what to say or how to act. At work she could promise the victim something, justice or an answer - what do you promise here?
"He hung on for days...kind of like this." Laura shrugged and looked around the room. "I don't remember much, I don't think. One day mom went to get some coffee and when she came back...it was too late."
"And you two were in the room?"
"Nope," Laura looked down, beginning to imitate Brenda's habit of picking imaginary lint. "I went with mom. Just Adam. I was going to get juice. I think it was apple."
"Oh honey...." She didn't know what else to say. What did you say to someone who told you about her father dying? This could be why she liked men, liked working with them - they never told you things like this. Not often. And if they did, they wouldn't want you to say anything, just pretend like it had never happened.
"It's fine. We don't talk about it. It's easier not to and there's not much to say. Besides, like I said. I don't remember much, just what Adam told me."
"You must miss him."
"He was my dad - but this happened, what, twenty years ago? I don't really remember much about him. He was nice, he would take us for donuts, he'd sing along to the radio in the kitchen. Sometimes he'd let us help him in the garden - I think we planted those lemon trees together in the yard. The older I get, the more I realize it really must have sucked for mom. Like, really sucked. Not just having us, 'cause that's hard enough. But like, he was her husband. She knew him. Long enough to have real memories of him, not just some bits and pieces. She wasn't much older than me, you know, to have built a life with someone, to have picked the person that was always gonna love you just...disappear like that?"
"She still loves him." Brenda confesses, unsure if she's betraying her lover by admitting this. She knows it's true. Sometimes she's worried she has to compete with a ghost of someone who died before they could mess things up past the point of no repair, but she generally pushes those thoughts from her mind. "She still has the wedding rings." They were in a little porcelain dish by her side of the bed, the same place she'd drop her watch and her earrings at the end of the day. Sometimes when she was alone, Brenda would pick them up and look at them. She had a set of her own once - her own ring was floating somewhere at the bottom of her purse, having wrenched it off one day stuck in traffic.
"I know." Laura turns away from her, and Brenda thinks for a moment it's because the young woman pities her, but then she turns in the other way and she realizes she's stretching. "Does it bother you?"
"No." This isn't too much of a lie. "If anything, it's kind of reassuring." Laura stares blankly at her then shakes her head slightly.
"How? You know, never mind. I don't ever want to grow up. Life's hard now - adding another layer of mess on top of it? Picking up the pieces of guy that someone else broke? I don't think I can do it. I think I'll just sign up for the crazy cat lady club now."
"My ex is giving away kitties." Brenda suggests helpfully. "If you want, we could get you a starter!"
"You know, let me think about that one." She grins then stops. "Do you think it's weird, us just chatting like this while mom's...you know?" She looks down at Sharon's body lying between them.
"You are askin' the wrong person the wrong questions. Nothin' about today seems normal."
"Brenda?" Laura's voice drops to just a whisper and she can imagine the woman across from her as a young girl. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry about what?"
"I...I may have said something that may have something to do with what mom did what she did today."
"You pushed her in front of the bullet?" It was in poor taste, but she couldn't help but laugh.
"Why she said what she said to you."
"What did you say?" Brenda could feel her body getting cold. She didn't like to talk - not like this, all emotional and obvious.
"So, you know how last week you were in a panic about not having a shirt to wear and you were running around trying to find one of mom's that fit you?"
"Yes...you lent me one of yours. I am sorry about getting ketchup on it, it's in the dry cleaning pile..." Brenda was trying to fit the pieces together, it seemed she couldn't quite keep up with the thought process of either of the Raydor women. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to be the hour that confused her as much as it was the women themselves. Was this what all women were like?
"Oh, that's fine - no..." Laura looked down at the blanket and took a deep breath. "I may have made some joke to mom about how if you were going to be around all the time, you may as well just move in so we could collect the toaster."
"Toaster?" Brenda knew the words, but the order they were being said confused her. Were all twenty somethings this obtuse?
"Gay joke." Laura explained.
"So, you asked your mother if I was going to move in - this is why you think she said what she said?"
Laura simply nodded.
"Honey, let me tell you something about your mother. She doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do. Unless she's ordered to..." She can't help but smile a wicked little smile at the thought of Pope ordering Sharon to following her orders. A victory over Sharon Raydor was one to be savored.
"Oh god - is that a sex smile? Were you thinking sexy things? About my mom?" Laura grimaces and tries to block the thought.
"No, not a sexy smile! She may be your mama, but mine's about 4 feet away from me. No, I was sayin' Sharon said what she said for her own reasons. Maybe what you said scared her, but it had nothin' to do with you."
"You're really twangy right now."
"I'm really tired, it happens." And suddenly, she was. It was as if her body realized it was almost dawn and she should be asleep.
"You should go back to sleep. I'll keep an eye on her for a bit."
"You sure?" She couldn't keep her eyes open. Laura faded in and out as she fought to keep her eyelids open.
She lost the battle.
"You know," She heard Laura say softly as she faded off to sleep. "If you didn't always finish the milk, I wouldn't mind it so much if you did stay."
"If you didn't finish the hot water in the mornings..." She yawned, "Maybe I'd think about it."
Rating: PG - 13
Ship: Brenda/Sharon
Disclaimer: Not mine; never were! No copyright infringement intended.
Summary: With Fritz gone, and her relationship with Sharon growing more serious, Brenda begins to wonder about just how close she's willing to get to the other woman. Sharon, it seems, has already made that choice for them.
Previous Chapters ( One) ( Two) ( Three) ( Four) ( Five) ( Six) ( Seven) ( Eight) ( 9[a]) ( 9[b]) ( Ten) ( Eleven) ( Twelve) ( Thirteen) ( Fourteen) ( Fifteen) (Sixteen) ( Seventeen)
~
"If you ate the last of the candy, I swear I will hurt you." Brenda announces, groggy, as she wakes up from her nap.
"What? How? But?" Laura freezes as she stretches across her mother, her hand on the pile of Brenda's chocolate.
"I'm that good and I have a gun." Brenda murmurs, blinking her eyes open. It's still dark, still silent save for the electronic beeping which has been the soundtrack to her dreams. "How long have I been asleep?" Brenda asks - stretching up where she'd been hunched over.
"It's three now, a few hours? I figured you'd had a rough day."
"And Mama?"
"She just fell asleep." She points to the woman who had settled down in two chairs against the wall. "You know, she's pretty cool."
"I wouldn't know about cool, but...."
"No, really. You guys don't talk a lot, do you?"
"Why do you ask?" Brenda asked, reaching into the pile for something...there it was, a Twix.
"She wanted to know about you. And mom, but mostly you."
"What'd you tell her?"
"I don't know." Laura shrugged, "Generally we argue over the last cup of coffee, but other than that - you're ok."
"Thanks..." Brenda smirked, ripping open the chocolate bar.
"It's true - I told her if she wanted to know more, she should talk to mom. You know what's weird?"
"No what?"
"No one's said anything - you know, about there being three of us. Last time they made this big huge deal and...nothing."
"Did you want me to leave?" Brenda asked, feeling very foolish all of a sudden. She didn't have a right to be here, did she? Sharon had dumped her. Maybe Laura had known all along? She and Sharon were close, maybe they'd talked it over, made the decision together, tired of her presence in their life.
"No, God no, Brenda!" Laura reached out a hand and grabbed Brenda's own. "Not to get all cheesy on you, but I don't think I could be holding together without you and your mom here."
"Oh, I just wasn't -"
"You know Mel, right?"
"Of her. All tight and dyed?" She remembered vaguely the woman from her dinner with Sharon months and months ago. It was hard to think it was so long ago. She remembered the need to reach out and touch Sharon that night, the way it gnawed at her until she brushed her hand against the other woman's and the shock when she realized the craving didn't go away.
"That's the one." Laura laughed. "You know I only met her once?"
"Well you lived in New York." She didn't know where this was going. She was still sleepy though. Maybe it's become clear soon.
"No, I was home for a month that summer. She was always angling for an invite over, I don't think she ever got one. Are you going to keep molesting that chocolate bar, or are you going to share?"
"I think we broke up today." Brenda said. It was the first time she said it. Out loud. She hadn't even let herself think it. She offered a Twix to Laura, then snapped hers in half. It felt good to break something, even if it was just a chocolate bar. She began chewing a mouthful as she mulled over the words she had just said. It felt weird. She tried to think back to the last time she was dumped. Fritz didn't count, they had both been waiting for that one. Will, well...it was mutual, they both knew there was little between them except for some pretty decent sex. And her ex-husband, well he was just an asshole. And then there was... None of this was making her feel better. She would have to rethink her strategy.
"Well then," Laura said slowly, processing Brenda's information, switching her melting chocolate from one hand to another, "I suppose this isn't how you intended to end your day."
"No." Brenda snorted, "It certainly wasn't". Exhaustion and weariness having worn her down to her most basic elements, the snort turned into a chuckle, then into a slow laugh that built up, releasing every emotion that was coursing through her, lurking just under her skin until it felt like it was crawling over her.
It was laugh, Brenda realized, or cry, but she wouldn't cry, not here. Crying would make it real and she certainly wasn't ready for this situation to be real. She didn't have nearly enough chocolate on hand.
"I think it's a cop thing." Laura said after a moment, biting into her chocolate.
"The break up?"
"The not saying anything thing."
"Maybe. Professional courtesy?" Brenda is too busy trying to deconstruct why Laura brought up Mel, but it's the middle of the night and she's running on fumes right now. "Are you sure it's OK that I'm here?"
"It is to me. Do you want to be here? Because I'd understand if you didn't."
"I..." Brenda sighs. She does want to be here, she doesn't know why, but she does. She wants to be there when Sharon wakes up and she wants to be the one to wrap her hands around the stubborn woman's neck and threaten her with death if she dares to do something as idiotic as diving in front of a bullet again.
"You can leave, Brenda, if that's what you want. She'd never know."
"I'm afraid that that's what she wants."
"Mom's afraid of what she wants. She's stupid like that - what?" Laura smiles, "Just because she's in the hospital doesn't make it less true! Grandma always encouraged us to be honest." The younger woman eyes her calmly. "You can leave, but you won't."
"I won't."
"The question is why?"
"Because I..." She opens her mouth and nothing comes out.
She shuts it and then tries again.
Brenda can't help but smile, because to her sleepy brain, Laura looks just like her mother - her eyebrow arched and her lips set in a firm line to keep from smiling. She worries she'll never see that look again. And that's when it hits her. She's in love with Sharon Marie Raydor. She knew she enjoyed sex with her, but she also enjoyed sex with her vibrator, she wasn't in love with it. She knew she liked spending time with her. She knew she wanted to spend more time with her - she wanted to spend every waking moment arguing with, teasing, making fun of and having fun with her. She can feel her heart swell just by thinking those words: love and Sharon. She has to look up to make sure no one's turned on the light because that's what it feels like, as if the lights have suddenly gone on or the curtain's been pulled back and she's able to look at everything in the full brightness of day. She holds on to the moment, relishing it. It feels like cracking a case, but a hundred times bigger and better.
"When are your grandparents comin' in?" Brenda asks, changing the topic. She picks off an imaginary piece of lint from the bed and drops it on the floor. She avoids eye contact with Laura, afraid of what might show through her eyes.
"Tomorrow morning - they're on a red-eye now. Adam's coming with them."
"Your brother?"
"Yeah, although I doubt you'll see him."
"Oh." She tries not to be insulted or upset, choosing to feign curiosity or indifference instead.
"Not the you thing -" Laura laughs, like her mother, she has a knack for saying just what the person in front of them was thinking. "He doesn't do hospitals."
"You'd think he'd make an exception."
"Mom never told you about dad, did she?"
"No. She never brought it up and I-"
"Never wanted to?"
"Something like that." Brenda could feel a blush spreading across her cheeks. "It seemed nosy."
"Somehow, that doesn't seem to be the type of thing that would bother you." Laura shrugs with a knowing look, "It was a crash. He picked us up from school and there was some guy who drove through a stop sign. Maybe he drove through the stop? Anyway - it just happened."
"I'm sorry." This is why she didn't bring up Sharon's husband. Part of her didn't want to know. She was allergic to grief, especially the grief of others. She didn't know what to say or how to act. At work she could promise the victim something, justice or an answer - what do you promise here?
"He hung on for days...kind of like this." Laura shrugged and looked around the room. "I don't remember much, I don't think. One day mom went to get some coffee and when she came back...it was too late."
"And you two were in the room?"
"Nope," Laura looked down, beginning to imitate Brenda's habit of picking imaginary lint. "I went with mom. Just Adam. I was going to get juice. I think it was apple."
"Oh honey...." She didn't know what else to say. What did you say to someone who told you about her father dying? This could be why she liked men, liked working with them - they never told you things like this. Not often. And if they did, they wouldn't want you to say anything, just pretend like it had never happened.
"It's fine. We don't talk about it. It's easier not to and there's not much to say. Besides, like I said. I don't remember much, just what Adam told me."
"You must miss him."
"He was my dad - but this happened, what, twenty years ago? I don't really remember much about him. He was nice, he would take us for donuts, he'd sing along to the radio in the kitchen. Sometimes he'd let us help him in the garden - I think we planted those lemon trees together in the yard. The older I get, the more I realize it really must have sucked for mom. Like, really sucked. Not just having us, 'cause that's hard enough. But like, he was her husband. She knew him. Long enough to have real memories of him, not just some bits and pieces. She wasn't much older than me, you know, to have built a life with someone, to have picked the person that was always gonna love you just...disappear like that?"
"She still loves him." Brenda confesses, unsure if she's betraying her lover by admitting this. She knows it's true. Sometimes she's worried she has to compete with a ghost of someone who died before they could mess things up past the point of no repair, but she generally pushes those thoughts from her mind. "She still has the wedding rings." They were in a little porcelain dish by her side of the bed, the same place she'd drop her watch and her earrings at the end of the day. Sometimes when she was alone, Brenda would pick them up and look at them. She had a set of her own once - her own ring was floating somewhere at the bottom of her purse, having wrenched it off one day stuck in traffic.
"I know." Laura turns away from her, and Brenda thinks for a moment it's because the young woman pities her, but then she turns in the other way and she realizes she's stretching. "Does it bother you?"
"No." This isn't too much of a lie. "If anything, it's kind of reassuring." Laura stares blankly at her then shakes her head slightly.
"How? You know, never mind. I don't ever want to grow up. Life's hard now - adding another layer of mess on top of it? Picking up the pieces of guy that someone else broke? I don't think I can do it. I think I'll just sign up for the crazy cat lady club now."
"My ex is giving away kitties." Brenda suggests helpfully. "If you want, we could get you a starter!"
"You know, let me think about that one." She grins then stops. "Do you think it's weird, us just chatting like this while mom's...you know?" She looks down at Sharon's body lying between them.
"You are askin' the wrong person the wrong questions. Nothin' about today seems normal."
"Brenda?" Laura's voice drops to just a whisper and she can imagine the woman across from her as a young girl. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry about what?"
"I...I may have said something that may have something to do with what mom did what she did today."
"You pushed her in front of the bullet?" It was in poor taste, but she couldn't help but laugh.
"Why she said what she said to you."
"What did you say?" Brenda could feel her body getting cold. She didn't like to talk - not like this, all emotional and obvious.
"So, you know how last week you were in a panic about not having a shirt to wear and you were running around trying to find one of mom's that fit you?"
"Yes...you lent me one of yours. I am sorry about getting ketchup on it, it's in the dry cleaning pile..." Brenda was trying to fit the pieces together, it seemed she couldn't quite keep up with the thought process of either of the Raydor women. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to be the hour that confused her as much as it was the women themselves. Was this what all women were like?
"Oh, that's fine - no..." Laura looked down at the blanket and took a deep breath. "I may have made some joke to mom about how if you were going to be around all the time, you may as well just move in so we could collect the toaster."
"Toaster?" Brenda knew the words, but the order they were being said confused her. Were all twenty somethings this obtuse?
"Gay joke." Laura explained.
"So, you asked your mother if I was going to move in - this is why you think she said what she said?"
Laura simply nodded.
"Honey, let me tell you something about your mother. She doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do. Unless she's ordered to..." She can't help but smile a wicked little smile at the thought of Pope ordering Sharon to following her orders. A victory over Sharon Raydor was one to be savored.
"Oh god - is that a sex smile? Were you thinking sexy things? About my mom?" Laura grimaces and tries to block the thought.
"No, not a sexy smile! She may be your mama, but mine's about 4 feet away from me. No, I was sayin' Sharon said what she said for her own reasons. Maybe what you said scared her, but it had nothin' to do with you."
"You're really twangy right now."
"I'm really tired, it happens." And suddenly, she was. It was as if her body realized it was almost dawn and she should be asleep.
"You should go back to sleep. I'll keep an eye on her for a bit."
"You sure?" She couldn't keep her eyes open. Laura faded in and out as she fought to keep her eyelids open.
She lost the battle.
"You know," She heard Laura say softly as she faded off to sleep. "If you didn't always finish the milk, I wouldn't mind it so much if you did stay."
"If you didn't finish the hot water in the mornings..." She yawned, "Maybe I'd think about it."