Fractured Fairy Tale-My 2010 Ficathon Entry

[venusorbit1]

C'mon, if you didn't know it was me by the end of the first page, you must have a nail sticking out of your brain like Happy Gilmore.

Comments

[apsaraqueen]

“Oh come on!” the frog croaked from the bottom of the well. “Don’t hate the player, hate the game!”

froggy = KEEPIN IT REAL :D this was a-friggin-mazingly hilarious, as always.

[venusorbit1]

Hater goin' hate :) Thanks so much!

I HAD SUCH A BAD DAY AND YOU MADE IT BETTER.

[cbrandtwright]

I was practically comatose at my desk and this story had magical powers of waking me up - I promise. While I need to comment further - the thing that made me laugh the most was the NEVER(MOTHERSCRATCHIN)ENDING STORY reference. Falcor FTW!!!

You are a luck dragon. Or, something like that.

Re: I HAD SUCH A BAD DAY AND YOU MADE IT BETTER.

[cbrandtwright]

Also Kastor can do me in my sleep - I don't mind.

Re: I HAD SUCH A BAD DAY AND YOU MADE IT BETTER.

[venusorbit1]

LOL I had to tread delicately so that it was very obvious that she gave consent. I was like "How can OH YEAH the dragon! Maybe he can film it!!"

Re: I HAD SUCH A BAD DAY AND YOU MADE IT BETTER.

[lovelylytton]

THIS. In fact, I'm going to bed right now. *crosses fingers*

[ellorgast]

I AM SO HAPPY THAT THIS WAS MY SS. Prepare for super-long wall-of-comment!

It had been a long, grueling campaign, and they had tired of the rough touches of slatternly barmaids and jaded courtesans.

I LOVE this setup. How they just came from a campaign and every one of them is weary and desperate. Especially Endy, who knew he had a girl waiting for him and probably avoided the wench-breast, poor sap.

“I can’t do this! Not with what happened!”

Knowing now that she planned this from the beginning, I'm guessing she ALSO planned to wait until right at this moment to tell him. Meaning she LET him build up all that expectation and get blueballed at the last minute. I suppose she figured that would make him extra-desperate to find her missing ladies, and also extra surly in making his men go along with him. It totally worked! But oh Serenity, what a cruel mistress you will be.

“I’m busy,” Nereus said, his mouth full of wench-breast.THIS IS THE GREATEST LINE EVER WRITTEN IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. WHENEVER ANYBODY ASKS ME TO

[ellorgast]

The Prince was the first one in the clearing. “Oh for fuck’s sake!”

Ahaha! Yes!

Also the wolf and the gingerbread house is HILARITY. Especially:

“OW!” the wolf keeled over. Nereus scrambled to his feet and held the beast off. It staggered on its hind legs, holding its testicles. “Holy shit man, did you have to go for my junk? You’ve just killed my future litters!”

and

“The girl,” the wolf said, pointing. “Do you really think she’s a little girl? What do you think, I run a daycare or something?”

“Your house is pretty fruity.”

“Yes, I know, douchebag! The housing market’s down right now. You don’t turn down a rent-controlled house, even if it’s made of gingerbread.”

Nereus broke off. “Lady, it seems we are about to--”

“Yes,” she affirmed. “It’s all right. You saved me. You’re my true love.”

He cleared his throat. “Lady, you are the most exquisite creature I’ve seen, and I can’t do this without at least um, knowing something about you.”

I love this exchange. Love love love it.

She stole another kiss, and then asked, “How

[venusorbit1]

I love this exchange. Love love love it.

Oh good thanks! I stalled a bit when it came to writing this part, which is bullshit since I love M/N and their turbo-fucking.

WELP, BETTER GET STARTED THEN. Those two. They could populate their OWN kingdom.

YES. I cannot WAIT until they start singlehandedly repopulating Canada in Monstersocks. Neil's mom will have so many new hungry dudes to bake cookies for! The dog can go crazy! Mamoru will have a gajillion nieces and nephews crawling all over him and forcing him to play hocky!

And lemme guess: Kain has the average 2.5 sprog and a dog.

Preach it, Serenity!

Nereus doesn't even try to defend himself.

Finally, I love the kids, and how they're all from their own fairy tales. I love how you combined all these different stories and made them work so well together!

Aw thanks!! After I realized how many fairy tales I was sticking in, I decided to go for broke. The only (popular) one missing is strangely, Cinderella.

[elianthos]

Turbo-fucking. TURBO-FUCKING. X,D
Oh my goodness you're a lifesaver XD

[charliechaplin2]

Did this make me laugh harder than the Princess Bride? Inconceivable! But it did

[lovelylytton]

I'm an English major. Why don't they make me read ancient fairytales with the c-word in them? I will write a letter of complaint first thing tomorrow morning. ;)

Also, let me back up Charlie on the CB ultimatum:
Title: [insert angsty but smart title here]
Summary: Refusing to follow the path laid out for them, Jadeite and Venus seek their fortune together, while Kunzite turns to Serenity in his hour of need. But what about Mars? SilMil. Warning: angst.

[charliechaplin2]

V!!!!!! You can't let this happen!!!!!!!!! She'll do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lovelylytton]

I absolutely will. And what's worse: I'll make you like it. Also, I think I have the kind of idea for this fic that could make it worse than DDD.

Now, Curveball for greedy greedy Lytton? (And not so secretly greedy Charlie too.) If positive bribes will work better than negative threats, let me know. I can also swing something happy again, I still have a few oranges left.

[charliechaplin2]

Also, I have to say that Endymion gets a million points for not resorting to masturbation in the tent with the goat out of desperation ;D when everyone else except for him -the guy who is meant to be married and get it on a regular basis- gets tail (ha!).

And don't even get me started on the 'pygmies'! Hahaha!!! 'for it is a magical goat!' hahahahahaha!! Morons. I love them, I can see why Lilly made them tag along, they'd be hilarious to watch. And still making my sides split is Zephyr and Rilly's story.

This is like reading National Lampoon but 100 times better. Kastor will never be rid of the 'banging a sleeping girl' joke. It must come up awkwardly in conversation. 'So how did you break the curse?' 'Uh...Daisy? You want to answer this question?' 'uh.....' 'he fucked her awake!' 'Nereus!'

[venusorbit1]

Also, I have to say that Endymion gets a million points for not resorting to masturbation in the tent with the goat out of desperation ;D when everyone else except for him -the guy who is meant to be married and get it on a regular basis- gets tail (ha!).

OMG this WAS in there, but had to be cut for length to get under the 50K word limit. There was also some repressed K/E hoyay that I had to cut out of that scene; don't tell Spirit or she'll kill me.

And don't even get me started on the 'pygmies'! Hahaha!!! 'for it is a magical goat!' hahahahahaha!! Morons. I love them, I can see why Lilly made them tag along, they'd be hilarious to watch.

I imagined the "pygmies" looking like David the Gnome, but I doubt that you young whippersnappers remember him/them.

Kastor will never be rid of the 'banging a sleeping girl' joke. It must come up awkwardly in conversation. 'So how did you break the curse?' 'Uh...Daisy? You want to answer this question?' 'uh.....' 'he fucked her awake!' 'Nereus!'Nope, never! The poor guy will be on his

[ellorgast]

There was also some repressed K/E hoyay that I had to cut out of that scene; don't tell Spirit or she'll kill me.

WHAT? FUCK. BRING IT BACK!

[venusorbit1]

It was like, one line that had them glancing at each other from across the tent, and then realizing what they are thinking and turning away, eyes darting around furtively.

Oh wait, I think there was some dialogue in there. Something like, "Do you want to--?" "No." "This never happened." "What never happened?"

They might have furtively whacked off, too. Shit, I didn't keep it. I'm losing points, aren't I?