[Chitose watches, silently--she's good at that. She has never been able to see like this: a vision, clear and bright. She wonders if this is how normal people see.
It's the first thing she's ever seen like this.
The sounds are familiar, though, and the scents. They're more familiar to her than she thinks they should be. After some time, she speaks.]
He thinks he's seen her before. Maybe. In a dream. But the days have been blurring together and Kakashi hasn't been sleeping because he has been working too hard. Buried in too much mud. Underground most of the time he's been awake.
He's not sure she's in Konoha. He doesn't think she is, but if that's the case, who is taking care of her? She looks too young to be on her own, and she's probably a civilian. ]
No.
[ He says after a moment. Because Kakashi doesn't lie or make things sound prettier when reality isn't. ]
[ Anko is solemn after Kakashi's dream. On the heels of Chitose's dream, childhood is not something Anko should be thinking about mere days before war. ]
Childhood sure is a crapshoot.
[ She meant to say it lightly, but something in her throat strangles it on the way out. ]
[Children, he knew, could have so much wisdom and understand beyond their own comprehension. This particular dream - and the emotions/sensations that came with it - proves that fact yet again
( ... )
[ Kakashi was too young to have known any better. He was a genius with the hands of a man, but there were parts of him that were still a child. Parts of him that wanted to cling onto the innocence he never had. Like not understanding something he now finds impossible to not understand.
Like death.
He doesn't like dreaming about the past, but his dreams tend to be plagued with memories. Like his present thoughts.
Always looking back. ]
Mm.
[ He doesn't know what to say to Iruka. How he really is supposed to respond. A part of him thinks he shouldn't have even bothered to say anything at all. ]
[There are no words when one sees such a thing, so Iruka doesn't really bother either. He too, sometimes, wonder why he even invests the effort to speak when he knew words were rather useless with such things.
Because they're memories and memories can't be altered nor can it fix the present. It could be used to achieve a better future but even he knew that that part was up to the man the boy grew up to be. If Kakashi chose to step forward or to keep looking back, that was up to him.
Iruka knew that outside parties - no matter how close - can only be influential to a certain level. The rest was up to the person. Endurance was a part of being shinobi after all.
The Hitomi was viciously thrown to the side. He'd like to think there was a little comfort in blaming the blasted thing for everything in the first place.]
Private to Sasukeura_no_uraJuly 19 2009, 06:28:55 UTC
[ Sasuke was short of two years older than Kakashi when he first experienced what Kakashi had been experiencing for as long as he can remember. Kakashi can't recall a time when it hadn't been a part of his life. And maybe that was why it took him so long to understand it.
That death wasn't just you falling asleep and growing into the ground. That death meant an absence so large it could eat its way inside of you and fill you up with it. And Kakashi's life is filled with absence. With empty spaces that consume him. Sometimes they're so large he loses himself in it.
It's easy to fall into it.
Kakashi hums softly in confirmation. He doesn't bother explaining, but Kakashi rarely ever does. ]
Private to Kakashia_for_tioriJuly 19 2009, 07:10:17 UTC
[At this point Sasuke isn't even surprised by how casual Kakashi is. Perhaps a little annoyed, but not surprised. If Kakashi can smile about the deaths of everyone he cared about, shrugging at the reality of his childhood must be easy for him.
Kakashi doesn't explain because he never does, but Sasuke wants to know. Doesn't really understand how Kakashi just accepts these things. How he acts like they don't matter at all, when for Sasuke, his deaths are the only thing that matter.]
And you stayed with Konoha anyway.
[This one isn't a question at all. It's almost an accusation. Like he's saying, Konoha did all that and you stuck with them. As if it was okay. As if it wasn't wrong, to send a six year old into that.]
Private to Sasukeura_no_uraJuly 19 2009, 07:15:20 UTC
[ As if Kakashi would know any better. As if it was even his choice. As if he even really understood death to begin with, when he didn't at all. It wasn't until he was eight, standing over his father, feeling how large that absence was, filling up his little chest until he felt like he would suffocate, be crushed by its weight, that Kakashi finally understood what death meant.
And then he didn't have anywhere else to go.
Leaving Konoha meant death itself. ]
We're shinobi, Sasuke.
[ It's all he feels like he has to say. Because for shinobi, their duty is to kill for their village. To protect it with their lives, under any circumstances. And those times he lived in had been so different from the relative peace Sasuke had always grown up in. ]
[ Sakura is overwhelmed. She's never known as much about Kakashi as she's learned in the past two days, and what she's seen of his past is ugly and raw and it just breaks her heart. It seems that everyone she knows has a terrible past.
In that moment, Sakura feels guilty for the childhood she'd had. She'd gotten to be a child, at least. She'd had the privilege to be soft. So many others hadn't had that opportunity. ]
I don't understand how you kept this hidden for so long.
[ She's prying into intensely private matters, she is aware of that. She doesn't want to, but as much as she is moved, she is also curious. She's just realizing how little she knows him. ]
I'm sorry. I know it's not something you want to discuss.
[ She pauses, trying to figure out how to say this. ]
I never knew very much about you. You were just... Kakashi-sensei. But now I'm finding out all of these things about your past, things I couldn't have even imagined.
[ Another, longer pause. ]
I guess I'd just like to understand you a little better.
Well.. whether or not you know anything about my past, that shouldn't change who I am, should it?
[ It's a valid question. After all, Sakura has never known anything about his past. Kakashi doesn't see a reason as to why he needs to begin to explain anything at all. ]
Comments 38
It's the first thing she's ever seen like this.
The sounds are familiar, though, and the scents. They're more familiar to her than she thinks they should be. After some time, she speaks.]
If you take root...
[An uncertain pause.]
Do they grow again?
Reply
He thinks he's seen her before. Maybe. In a dream. But the days have been blurring together and Kakashi hasn't been sleeping because he has been working too hard. Buried in too much mud. Underground most of the time he's been awake.
He's not sure she's in Konoha. He doesn't think she is, but if that's the case, who is taking care of her? She looks too young to be on her own, and she's probably a civilian. ]
No.
[ He says after a moment. Because Kakashi doesn't lie or make things sound prettier when reality isn't. ]
They don't.
Reply
It's scary.
[Her voice is dull for a child's, and too quiet. It's always been that quiet, but it's never been that dull.]
Reply
[ He says softly. He doesn't tell her it's not real, because it is. Was. ]
Did you just arrive here? What's your name?
Reply
Childhood sure is a crapshoot.
[ She meant to say it lightly, but something in her throat strangles it on the way out. ]
Reply
That's one way of putting it.
Reply
Reply
Like death.
He doesn't like dreaming about the past, but his dreams tend to be plagued with memories. Like his present thoughts.
Always looking back. ]
Mm.
[ He doesn't know what to say to Iruka. How he really is supposed to respond. A part of him thinks he shouldn't have even bothered to say anything at all. ]
Reply
Because they're memories and memories can't be altered nor can it fix the present. It could be used to achieve a better future but even he knew that that part was up to the man the boy grew up to be. If Kakashi chose to step forward or to keep looking back, that was up to him.
Iruka knew that outside parties - no matter how close - can only be influential to a certain level. The rest was up to the person. Endurance was a part of being shinobi after all.
The Hitomi was viciously thrown to the side. He'd like to think there was a little comfort in blaming the blasted thing for everything in the first place.]
Reply
Reply
That death wasn't just you falling asleep and growing into the ground. That death meant an absence so large it could eat its way inside of you and fill you up with it. And Kakashi's life is filled with absence. With empty spaces that consume him. Sometimes they're so large he loses himself in it.
It's easy to fall into it.
Kakashi hums softly in confirmation. He doesn't bother explaining, but Kakashi rarely ever does. ]
Reply
Kakashi doesn't explain because he never does, but Sasuke wants to know. Doesn't really understand how Kakashi just accepts these things. How he acts like they don't matter at all, when for Sasuke, his deaths are the only thing that matter.]
And you stayed with Konoha anyway.
[This one isn't a question at all. It's almost an accusation. Like he's saying, Konoha did all that and you stuck with them. As if it was okay. As if it wasn't wrong, to send a six year old into that.]
Reply
And then he didn't have anywhere else to go.
Leaving Konoha meant death itself. ]
We're shinobi, Sasuke.
[ It's all he feels like he has to say. Because for shinobi, their duty is to kill for their village. To protect it with their lives, under any circumstances. And those times he lived in had been so different from the relative peace Sasuke had always grown up in. ]
And those were times of war.
Reply
In that moment, Sakura feels guilty for the childhood she'd had. She'd gotten to be a child, at least. She'd had the privilege to be soft. So many others hadn't had that opportunity. ]
I don't understand how you kept this hidden for so long.
[ How did he not fall apart? ]
Reply
Kakashi's entire life has been like that. And sometimes he wonders. What life would be like without scars.
But then he's not sure.
Because some scars go so deep he can't even imagine life is even possible without them. ]
Well, it's not something I ever saw a reason to talk about.
[ Kakashi says this rather nonchalantly. He doesn't seem very affected. ]
Reply
I'm sorry. I know it's not something you want to discuss.
[ She pauses, trying to figure out how to say this. ]
I never knew very much about you. You were just... Kakashi-sensei. But now I'm finding out all of these things about your past, things I couldn't have even imagined.
[ Another, longer pause. ]
I guess I'd just like to understand you a little better.
Reply
[ It's a valid question. After all, Sakura has never known anything about his past. Kakashi doesn't see a reason as to why he needs to begin to explain anything at all. ]
Reply
Leave a comment