Apparently there's nothing I can do...

[justtristan]

 Hey everyone. I hope I'm posting this in the right area. I'm 20 years old. I'm still semi-in the closet about my gender identity. The world sees me as a woman. But that's not what I'm supposed to be. When I was 8 years old, I told some kids in my class that I was supposed to be a boy. Somehow it managed to work it's way to the principle and then

Comments

[crumpetsfortea]

Can I ask you what you're using to bind? Lots of at-home solutions aren't really designed for trans man anatomy, and while they work really well for small-chested people like me, they fall apart completely when they're scaled up.

As far as 'living like a guy,' well, every guy is different, but are there any activities that you really wanted to participate in that you felt were closed to you because of your feminine gender presentation? Sports, for example that you've always wanted to try? I found that joining a co-ed fencing team really helped me channel my own masculinity and interact in a friendly setting with other guys, which really helped me along my own journey as a genderqueer boi. maybe something like that could help you ease into masculine space without putting you in a position where you feel completely uncomfortable and unsafe.

Good luck. Trying to be true to yourself in an unsupportive environment is one of the hardest things that you'll ever have to face.

[justtristan]

Yeah. I was just using an ace bandage. I'ts about 6 feet long and 6 inches wide. I always wanted to play football and ice hockey. But with me not being in school right now, and living in a very small town, it's hard to find stuff like that to participate in. Thank you. For the advice and for the good wishes. I appreciate it.

[elegancewaves]

If you have a credit card or know someone with a credit card, you could always order a proper binder online and maybe that'd work a little better for you.

[murdercake]

There are many things you can do, obviously your mother isn't aware of them. She may not be ready to accept the idea of you being male, but she may come to accept it in the future (some parents do come around). She may try to overemphasis how much she sees you as female now, especially if she's shown a pattern of trying to force it onto you before (my sincere condolences, I've been there).

You say binding doesn't work well for you, what have you tried? I had a very large chest when I began my transition, I might be able to offer you some pointers. I was very, very high femme before I came out, so I understand forcing yourself to be femme, and how that can cause some lasting damage.

As for living as a guy, there is really no right way to do that - whatever feels comfortable for you, and authentic, that's the right way for you. There won't be a test to see if you're "doing it right" :)

I definitely advise reading through posts here on transgender and also joining ftm (lots of good stuff in the tags there that may help you).

[justtristan]

I've only tried using an ace bandage with a tighter sports bra over top it. It works okay when I wear a baggy shirt over it but my style is very... Punk I guess you would call it. Skinny jeans and the loose, yet not so loose shirts. Those tend to show un-wanted curves. Which is an instant give-away. I just joined the ftm community. So thank you. And thanks for the insight. I appreciate the support.

[admiralzeka]

I'd say just go for it and be yourself. Yeah I know the details get in the way, but I think even committing yourself to it in your own mind will help alot. Just do what you can now with the resources you have available, and always remember that the day will come when you can get to the rest. As far as your mother, I've very familiar with that kind of tactic. You can pretty much either play along to see if she lets up on it, or fight it every single time she does it. Now, the latter approach may mean quite alot of correcting her you'll have to make (depending on what kind of person she is) but to me that is preferable to letting others tell you how to live, and even worse trying to tell you who you are. As far as living as a guy, just do what feels right for you. When I told my mother about it (mtf in my case) I got loads of "you have to do/like/dress like xxx if you're really a girl". But that's a load of bull. Do what feels right for you, and if you have to try different things and get different perspectives to find out what that is

[justtristan]

Yeah. The committing does feel good. For the first time I am actually feeling good about myself and appearance. When she gets home from work today, she wont be happy... She'll probably have something to say... But the feeling I have right now is going to be worth it. Thank you. You helped a lot.

[chasingtides]

Tell yourself it's okay to be the guy you know you are.

My mother is similar (my mother is desperate to get me into a skirt - I feel like I'm cross dressing when I do, sort of fun and naughty but not exactly how I want to feel at a family dinner, you know?). I don't correct my gender with her because I know it would be a fight every conversation, every day. Instead, I made a fight over my name. And I talk to my father, who's more open about it. He's taken to calling me his "cowboy" instead of his girl, which I was up until recently. He has some strange ideas about why I'm not a girl (currently, it's because I never had a sister, but I have a twin brother, so obviously that's why I grew up thinking/acting as a guy).

As for being a guy, do what feels natural for you. Guys are such a broad and varied category. I run around in cowboy boots and graphic tees and spiking my hair (and passing as a guy as such) but that's not going to do it for everyone (or even anyone who isn't me).

[justtristan]

That thing about the skirt made me laugh. Cause I feel the same way when I'm being all feminine. Honestly... There's no point in fighting with my mom over the name. Cause she wont give in. she's extremely stubborn. Always has been. I did talk to my grandmother and she is more than happy to accept this and call me Tristan. She is actually sitting here right now talking to me about how she just wants me to be happy and telling me that she's proud of me for finally being who I am. Thank you for your input and the laugh about the skirt thing. It means a lot.

[chasingtides]

Honestly, I'm at a point where I sort of have two names - one's a shortened, gender neutral version of my legal name and one's my preferred name. The shortened name is what my family calls me (except my brother, who might actually just be making the jump to my preferred name).

Maybe you can find places to be the man you know you are? I have places and people who I know accept me for who I am and that makes all the difference in life to me.

[justtristan]

My legal name is not easy to turn into gender neutral name. Or a male version. I came up with a male name that is similar to my legal name... But that's going to be just as hard for people who know me to call me as Tristan would be. I need to find some places. Cause right now, the internet is the only friendly place for me. And don't get me wrong... The people I talk to online are great and very accepting... But it'd be nice to have some people to hang with in real life. I live in an extremely small community, and people like me... Even when I dressed as a girl... Are not excepted around here. Honestly... A location change would be best suited. But until I adjust to living as myself, I don't think that's a good idea.

[eriktrips]

Your mother may be wishing that there were nothing you could do about it, but of course there are lots of things you can do, and I'm sure you've probably already found out about a number of them just poking around on the Internet. One thing to remember is that you are an adult and she cannot make any decisions for you anymore. If you are financially dependent on her and living at her house, then she might feel she has something to hold over you, but ultimately, it's your life now and she has no say. Kids grow up; they do unpredictable things. Parents have to get used to this or they lose their relationship with their kids

[justtristan]

Thank you so much for that link to the homemade packer. I really appreciate it. And you are 100% right. I am an adult. But the fact that I'm depending on her financially made me think she did have this hold. But, that's not how things work. I feel so much better and so much more confident in this whole situation now. Really... Thank you. You helped a lot.

[eriktrips]

You're welcome! I was financially dependent on my parents until I was almost 22, and it did mean that there were some things that I had to keep hidden from them, as they are very conservative Christians, but I figured I was over 18, so I had the right to make decisions for myself whether they would agree with them or not. They were not confrontational in style, so mostly we just didn't talk about certain things, but even if your mom is persistent in airing her objections, you are still your own person now. Unless she is talking strictly about financial matters, her wishes are opinions now, and no longer commands.

One of the perks of getting older. :)

[shenth]

Just as an aside on packing, I find that a pair of thin socks works well when placed between two pairs of underwear. The shape is about right, and you don't have to worry about the condom breaking.