Undeserving
Title: Undeserving
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Ratings: PG
Genre: Romance, Angst, AU
Summary: How do you determine, if you are worthy for the other, in love?
Song-fiction, based on Jay Chou's song, "I'm not worthy."
(Eunhyuk)
Is it supposed to be like this?
Is this abstract thing called love…supposed to hurt this much, when I just keep hurting myself, with each and every oncoming tide of emotions, when I always, always try to remember why I'm in this relationship?
With you?
I pick up a single glass figurine that is displayed on the stand, admiring it and turning it slowly in my hand. The glassblower must have put in his utmost effort into this piece, I think silently to myself. I smile, this is something you definitely will appreciate, I just know it. I whirl around with a hint of the smile gracing my features, and I open my mouth to call you, but your attention is no longer on me. You are hiding away in some dark corner of the shop, self-conscious as you lower your head, in order not to draw attention to yourself. You glance around discreetly, trying to make yourself disappear, so no one will notice you.
I place the figurine back onto the stand. I know something has changed, deep down, in my heart; this somehow has become a routine. Our dates, have slowly transformed, into a burden, for you, as you have to hide from all your fans when you go out with me. It is no longer like how it was in the past; you have changed, and I can't seem to find the previous you.
Why?
This street is too crowded;
There are too many people with secrets here;
The fog now separates us, acting as a natural veil, covering our true selves.
I stir the coffee gently, focusing on the coffee, instead of the real life person, who is sitting right in front of me. I pour in two packets of sugar and breathe in the aroma, refreshing myself. It has been long since we came out for coffee, I thought to myself. I know, I did understand, that when you debut, you will have lesser time for me, and we would have to hide our relationship away from the public eye. You tenderly try to explain that it is the best way for me, because you want to protect me from the harsh and cruel media eye out there.
I wonder if it's true now, as I stare at the pale blue sky through the glass window of this café which we often frequent. I lift the cup towards the window, smiling as the steam clouds the window. I lean forward eagerly, trying to increase the amount of fog that hangs onto the window. I turn towards you; this is something we always do when we come here, imprint our names on the window in this simple gesture. We would earn weird glances from passers-by, but we wouldn't care; because our worlds, only consist of you and me.
Is it destined? Am I supposed to expect this? You turn away, blushing slightly as you look down at your own cup of coffee. I clear my throat softly, awkwardly, placing my cup of coffee on the table. Something has changed, definitely. I forgot, I forgot that this would put you right back into the spotlight, something you definitely don't want. Everyone will look towards you, clamouring for some bit of your attention, while I'm left alone, here.
I sigh imperceptibly, pulling out two notes from my wallet and placed it on the table. I nod towards the figure across me, someone who I don't recognize anymore. I stand up rigidly and leave; I don't need to pick up anything else, because a guy just needs his wallet and mobile when he goes out on a simple date like this, and because I left everything behind, including us.
The expressions on your face,
They complete the rain.
This street is much too narrow, for the two of us,
To return to the story we previously had together.
I silently pull out the luggage underneath my bed, I knew this day was coming, since some time ago, since we became like this, as if we are strangers, unfamiliar with each other. I hear you enter the house as the door clicks softly behind you, and you walk towards my room. It has been a year since I moved in, three months since you entered the entertainment scene. Three months, just three months, is enough to change you from someone who I instinctively turn to every time, to someone who I stare at blankly every day.
You open the door to my room, and you stop in the doorway, when you observe what I am doing. I turn my face away; I don't want to see your expression. You have gracefully become one of the best actors, you know how to hide your true feelings behind a mask, and I no longer possess that power to tear it down, to fit your face into my palm and hold you close to me, to break down all the inhibitions surrounding you, us.
"You..are…" You stutter a little, and I shut my eyes tightly; you never stumble over any of your words, and I'm afraid, I'm scared that this single movement may reverse the situation now, because I'm easily affected by you, my emotions, they are influenced by you.
"Yes." I exhale, biting down on my lip so hard that I taste blood on my tongue. "I'm leaving." It's out, this sentence is finally out, and I continue to close my eyes, hoping that my eyelids can contain those tears that are threatening to burst forth. I sit silently on the floor, and I still feel you there, standing there, with a sense of hopelessness shrouding you.
And your hand drops from the doorknob, and you walk off to the living room, giving me the privacy to pack my stuff, in our room, one last time.
These days are no longer colourful,
We just exchange a few, simple words.
I'm left alone in our house,
With memories of us, that we have not finished building them together, yet.
I find myself in front of a cinema, after walking aimlessly for about an hour, alone. I cannot bear to continue packing my bag when I know you are in the living room, probably thinking about us. Or that is what I hope you are thinking about. I stare impassively at the screenings, and I randomly pick a movie. As the staff hands over the ticket to me, I walk to the side and finally look at the title of the movie.
500 days of summer.
Summer. Guy meets girl. Guy falls in love with the girl, but the girl doesn't. I blink back tears, wondering if this applies to us. However, in our case, why do I feel like I'm the one who is emotionally weak and clingy? Why do I feel like I'm the one who cannot be independent? Why do I feel like I'm falling in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate my feelings, and I'm falling into a bottomless pit?
I enter the cinema, a little surprised to find only a few people dotting the place, when the movie has already started. It has been running for a long time already, and this is probably one of the last times it will be screened here. I take my seat, right at the back of the cinema, our favourite spot in any cinema. Or, maybe, yours.
I try my best to concentrate on the film that is flashing right in front of me, but my mind betrays me, as all thoughts just direct me back to you. I sob silently, lifting my hand to my mouth in an attempt to muffle my cries. I feel myself trembling so hard, and I bring my knees up to my chin, tucking my whole head into my knees, as tears fall down rapidly, emphasizing the sense of melancholy that is growing within me.
I never thought it will be this hard, falling in love with a celebrity. And the thing is, I did it willingly, and I never regret this, ever.
The seats in the cinema,
They are separated by distance.
There's no one else with you, as you stare forlornly at the chess board, playing against yourself.
I haven't found the time for me to pen down my feelings for you,
To describe how much I do love you,
And you have already left me, a smile on your face.
-------------------------------
(Donghae)
I sit on the couch in our house, my eyes closed when you walk out of the house. You always give me a reason whenever you leave the house, and this is the very first time you didn't. It breaks my heart, I don't know how you do it, but this simple gesture just breaks my heart in pieces. Can't you hear the piercing, the shatters of each and every piece of my heart when you left?
The feeling isn't right anymore.
And I'm trying my best to retrieve that special atmosphere between us.
I know I should display some tender affection towards you, but I didn’t.
I lift the photo frame on the coffee table beside the couch, staring at it as I trace endless patterns on the photo itself. Us, together, smiling so brightly at the camera. This, perhaps, this is the only photo that really displays the affections we have for each other, that there is actually something more than just friendship, something that others cannot place their fingers on, unless they have experienced it themselves. There is a painful wrench in the middle of my chest, and I wonder if my heart is still capable of feeling all these emotions.
I recall the times I cancelled on you, calling to apologize because of all the rehearsals and practices I have after debut. You always tell me, in that cheerful voice of yours, to work hard, because I only have one-shot at fulfilling and achieving my dreams. I was naïve, I was foolish, I couldn't decipher that there was more behind your false front. I couldn't hear the disappointment, the misery in your voice, couldn't see you clenching your fists, couldn't feel that I was driving another nail right through your heart.
You pout at me,
The wishes you expressed are low and petty, compromising my shortcomings.
I failed to notice that you just wanted company, that's all.
This feeling is no longer right,
And I'm the last to understand this.
I set the photo frame down gently. I bury my face into my hands, wondering what has exactly happened. It feels like the world is suddenly spinning upside down, or is no longer spinning along its axis, leaving me alone here, bewildered and confused. I don't know what to say to you anymore, I always feel tongue-tied when I'm always in your presence. I know you want to leave me, but I cannot find the words to express myself. I try to make myself accept this fate, and not fight against it. But every time I see the picture we took together, I know, I can never forget someone like you.
Looking through all those pages,
Detailing the situations that the both of us cannot bear,
You are just so tired.
Somehow, I guess that this is my last chance, to finally express my true feelings to you. I don't want to leave, that is definite, but I can't help but feel, if I'm deserving of you. I love you, I do, a lot. I remember all the times you spent, fussing over me, thinking about me, and I feel just so insignificant, and so small, because whatever I do can never match up to you. And I don't know how to, I'm the perfect failure of a boyfriend. I don't know if I can love you back equally anymore, but I just want to try, to keep this relationship going, because I really, really do love you. I will try my best, but I don't know if it's enough.
You cried silently, behind my back, for quite a number of times,
Making yourself so sallow.
Yet, my heart breaks, and you, your beauty, bears the brunt of this.
I'm not worthy.
I take in a deep breath, and I empty my mind, because I'm undeserving of you.
-----------------------------
(Eunhyuk)
I return home after the movie, or rather, the place where I'm going to move out from soon. I lock the door behind me, noticing that it is already twilight, one of our favourite times of the day. Because at this time, I look forward to you returning home, and I welcome you with open arms. Because I can embrace you and etch this scene into my mind forever. Because you are always the same, just for this time, when you just return, exhausted, but still full of love for me.
It's different now, no?
I walk towards my room, noticing that your door is open, and you are nowhere to be seen. I shake my head slightly, what was I thinking about? Was I expecting you to be in your room, waiting for me? Is that something to much, even to expect from you, these days? There's some shift in our relationship, and I don't know when it happened, but it just did. And I don't want to admit it, but I still yearn for the past.
I jump suddenly, because I notice your presence behind me, out of the blue. I turn around to greet you, and you pull me right into your embrace, hugging me tightly as if I'm the last thing on Earth that helps you keep your grip on reality.
"Don’t go. Don't, just don't." You mumble into my shoulder, and I feel myself breaking apart, and my emotions threatening to tear me apart at the seams. You clutch me tighter, and I close my eyes, trying to find the determination I hold, just a few hours ago.
"I know I don't deserve you…but for once, let me just be this selfish, for once, let me think of us, for once, let me forget about who I really am, and I promise to make it up to you." You continue, and I try to steel my heart, to make it unresponsive to your words, in a failed attempt.
"So you can hurt me again? So I can prepare dinner, for someone who doesn't return the entire night? So I can go on a date with you, when you act so furtively in public? So my heart gets hit again and again by every single movement you do? Because every single thing I do I think of you, and everything you do now just seems to hurt me so badly? So you can just-" I stop halfway, as you cover my mouth with your palm, smiling gently at me.
I know I'm fighting a losing battle, as I feel myself crumbling and surrendering.
"Just let me, be selfish this once. Give me one more chance to make this work." You smile at me, and I notice that your eyes are red and bloodshot, and all the other minute details that have escaped my attention. Your runny nose, the slightly stained patch you left on my shoulder just a few minutes ago, the tear-stained face, everything, that indicates you have been crying. For me?
"I love you, really." You mumble softly beside my ear, and I feel my resolve collapse immediately. I nod back, tears running down my face this time, and you lift your hands to wipe them away from my face.
"I promise." You state softly, but clearly, as I stare into the depths of your eyes.
"No more of those times. I'm glad to have you by my side. No more hiding, no more ducking the public eye anymore." You smile wider, tentatively.
"I love you." That's the only thing I can get out now, after this emotional turmoil of pain, sadness, uncertainty, and hurt.
Sequel=Worthy
---------------
A/N: Finally one fic which comes out fine! I think >.< Still angsty, but I'm moving away from it, SEE the ending is perfectly fine! And happy! Sigh. I'm recovering, but I still need time. Grawr. I hope the lyrics are translated correctly...the feeling's different though >.< I like the Chinese song a lot a lot. Alright! Enjoy!
/edit. Am I writing something wrong? >.< I just...feel a little discouraged at the lack of comments at times. *slaps myself*
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Ratings: PG
Genre: Romance, Angst, AU
Summary: How do you determine, if you are worthy for the other, in love?
Song-fiction, based on Jay Chou's song, "I'm not worthy."
(Eunhyuk)
Is it supposed to be like this?
Is this abstract thing called love…supposed to hurt this much, when I just keep hurting myself, with each and every oncoming tide of emotions, when I always, always try to remember why I'm in this relationship?
With you?
I pick up a single glass figurine that is displayed on the stand, admiring it and turning it slowly in my hand. The glassblower must have put in his utmost effort into this piece, I think silently to myself. I smile, this is something you definitely will appreciate, I just know it. I whirl around with a hint of the smile gracing my features, and I open my mouth to call you, but your attention is no longer on me. You are hiding away in some dark corner of the shop, self-conscious as you lower your head, in order not to draw attention to yourself. You glance around discreetly, trying to make yourself disappear, so no one will notice you.
I place the figurine back onto the stand. I know something has changed, deep down, in my heart; this somehow has become a routine. Our dates, have slowly transformed, into a burden, for you, as you have to hide from all your fans when you go out with me. It is no longer like how it was in the past; you have changed, and I can't seem to find the previous you.
Why?
This street is too crowded;
There are too many people with secrets here;
The fog now separates us, acting as a natural veil, covering our true selves.
I stir the coffee gently, focusing on the coffee, instead of the real life person, who is sitting right in front of me. I pour in two packets of sugar and breathe in the aroma, refreshing myself. It has been long since we came out for coffee, I thought to myself. I know, I did understand, that when you debut, you will have lesser time for me, and we would have to hide our relationship away from the public eye. You tenderly try to explain that it is the best way for me, because you want to protect me from the harsh and cruel media eye out there.
I wonder if it's true now, as I stare at the pale blue sky through the glass window of this café which we often frequent. I lift the cup towards the window, smiling as the steam clouds the window. I lean forward eagerly, trying to increase the amount of fog that hangs onto the window. I turn towards you; this is something we always do when we come here, imprint our names on the window in this simple gesture. We would earn weird glances from passers-by, but we wouldn't care; because our worlds, only consist of you and me.
Is it destined? Am I supposed to expect this? You turn away, blushing slightly as you look down at your own cup of coffee. I clear my throat softly, awkwardly, placing my cup of coffee on the table. Something has changed, definitely. I forgot, I forgot that this would put you right back into the spotlight, something you definitely don't want. Everyone will look towards you, clamouring for some bit of your attention, while I'm left alone, here.
I sigh imperceptibly, pulling out two notes from my wallet and placed it on the table. I nod towards the figure across me, someone who I don't recognize anymore. I stand up rigidly and leave; I don't need to pick up anything else, because a guy just needs his wallet and mobile when he goes out on a simple date like this, and because I left everything behind, including us.
The expressions on your face,
They complete the rain.
This street is much too narrow, for the two of us,
To return to the story we previously had together.
I silently pull out the luggage underneath my bed, I knew this day was coming, since some time ago, since we became like this, as if we are strangers, unfamiliar with each other. I hear you enter the house as the door clicks softly behind you, and you walk towards my room. It has been a year since I moved in, three months since you entered the entertainment scene. Three months, just three months, is enough to change you from someone who I instinctively turn to every time, to someone who I stare at blankly every day.
You open the door to my room, and you stop in the doorway, when you observe what I am doing. I turn my face away; I don't want to see your expression. You have gracefully become one of the best actors, you know how to hide your true feelings behind a mask, and I no longer possess that power to tear it down, to fit your face into my palm and hold you close to me, to break down all the inhibitions surrounding you, us.
"You..are…" You stutter a little, and I shut my eyes tightly; you never stumble over any of your words, and I'm afraid, I'm scared that this single movement may reverse the situation now, because I'm easily affected by you, my emotions, they are influenced by you.
"Yes." I exhale, biting down on my lip so hard that I taste blood on my tongue. "I'm leaving." It's out, this sentence is finally out, and I continue to close my eyes, hoping that my eyelids can contain those tears that are threatening to burst forth. I sit silently on the floor, and I still feel you there, standing there, with a sense of hopelessness shrouding you.
And your hand drops from the doorknob, and you walk off to the living room, giving me the privacy to pack my stuff, in our room, one last time.
These days are no longer colourful,
We just exchange a few, simple words.
I'm left alone in our house,
With memories of us, that we have not finished building them together, yet.
I find myself in front of a cinema, after walking aimlessly for about an hour, alone. I cannot bear to continue packing my bag when I know you are in the living room, probably thinking about us. Or that is what I hope you are thinking about. I stare impassively at the screenings, and I randomly pick a movie. As the staff hands over the ticket to me, I walk to the side and finally look at the title of the movie.
500 days of summer.
Summer. Guy meets girl. Guy falls in love with the girl, but the girl doesn't. I blink back tears, wondering if this applies to us. However, in our case, why do I feel like I'm the one who is emotionally weak and clingy? Why do I feel like I'm the one who cannot be independent? Why do I feel like I'm falling in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate my feelings, and I'm falling into a bottomless pit?
I enter the cinema, a little surprised to find only a few people dotting the place, when the movie has already started. It has been running for a long time already, and this is probably one of the last times it will be screened here. I take my seat, right at the back of the cinema, our favourite spot in any cinema. Or, maybe, yours.
I try my best to concentrate on the film that is flashing right in front of me, but my mind betrays me, as all thoughts just direct me back to you. I sob silently, lifting my hand to my mouth in an attempt to muffle my cries. I feel myself trembling so hard, and I bring my knees up to my chin, tucking my whole head into my knees, as tears fall down rapidly, emphasizing the sense of melancholy that is growing within me.
I never thought it will be this hard, falling in love with a celebrity. And the thing is, I did it willingly, and I never regret this, ever.
The seats in the cinema,
They are separated by distance.
There's no one else with you, as you stare forlornly at the chess board, playing against yourself.
I haven't found the time for me to pen down my feelings for you,
To describe how much I do love you,
And you have already left me, a smile on your face.
-------------------------------
(Donghae)
I sit on the couch in our house, my eyes closed when you walk out of the house. You always give me a reason whenever you leave the house, and this is the very first time you didn't. It breaks my heart, I don't know how you do it, but this simple gesture just breaks my heart in pieces. Can't you hear the piercing, the shatters of each and every piece of my heart when you left?
The feeling isn't right anymore.
And I'm trying my best to retrieve that special atmosphere between us.
I know I should display some tender affection towards you, but I didn’t.
I lift the photo frame on the coffee table beside the couch, staring at it as I trace endless patterns on the photo itself. Us, together, smiling so brightly at the camera. This, perhaps, this is the only photo that really displays the affections we have for each other, that there is actually something more than just friendship, something that others cannot place their fingers on, unless they have experienced it themselves. There is a painful wrench in the middle of my chest, and I wonder if my heart is still capable of feeling all these emotions.
I recall the times I cancelled on you, calling to apologize because of all the rehearsals and practices I have after debut. You always tell me, in that cheerful voice of yours, to work hard, because I only have one-shot at fulfilling and achieving my dreams. I was naïve, I was foolish, I couldn't decipher that there was more behind your false front. I couldn't hear the disappointment, the misery in your voice, couldn't see you clenching your fists, couldn't feel that I was driving another nail right through your heart.
You pout at me,
The wishes you expressed are low and petty, compromising my shortcomings.
I failed to notice that you just wanted company, that's all.
This feeling is no longer right,
And I'm the last to understand this.
I set the photo frame down gently. I bury my face into my hands, wondering what has exactly happened. It feels like the world is suddenly spinning upside down, or is no longer spinning along its axis, leaving me alone here, bewildered and confused. I don't know what to say to you anymore, I always feel tongue-tied when I'm always in your presence. I know you want to leave me, but I cannot find the words to express myself. I try to make myself accept this fate, and not fight against it. But every time I see the picture we took together, I know, I can never forget someone like you.
Looking through all those pages,
Detailing the situations that the both of us cannot bear,
You are just so tired.
Somehow, I guess that this is my last chance, to finally express my true feelings to you. I don't want to leave, that is definite, but I can't help but feel, if I'm deserving of you. I love you, I do, a lot. I remember all the times you spent, fussing over me, thinking about me, and I feel just so insignificant, and so small, because whatever I do can never match up to you. And I don't know how to, I'm the perfect failure of a boyfriend. I don't know if I can love you back equally anymore, but I just want to try, to keep this relationship going, because I really, really do love you. I will try my best, but I don't know if it's enough.
You cried silently, behind my back, for quite a number of times,
Making yourself so sallow.
Yet, my heart breaks, and you, your beauty, bears the brunt of this.
I'm not worthy.
I take in a deep breath, and I empty my mind, because I'm undeserving of you.
-----------------------------
(Eunhyuk)
I return home after the movie, or rather, the place where I'm going to move out from soon. I lock the door behind me, noticing that it is already twilight, one of our favourite times of the day. Because at this time, I look forward to you returning home, and I welcome you with open arms. Because I can embrace you and etch this scene into my mind forever. Because you are always the same, just for this time, when you just return, exhausted, but still full of love for me.
It's different now, no?
I walk towards my room, noticing that your door is open, and you are nowhere to be seen. I shake my head slightly, what was I thinking about? Was I expecting you to be in your room, waiting for me? Is that something to much, even to expect from you, these days? There's some shift in our relationship, and I don't know when it happened, but it just did. And I don't want to admit it, but I still yearn for the past.
I jump suddenly, because I notice your presence behind me, out of the blue. I turn around to greet you, and you pull me right into your embrace, hugging me tightly as if I'm the last thing on Earth that helps you keep your grip on reality.
"Don’t go. Don't, just don't." You mumble into my shoulder, and I feel myself breaking apart, and my emotions threatening to tear me apart at the seams. You clutch me tighter, and I close my eyes, trying to find the determination I hold, just a few hours ago.
"I know I don't deserve you…but for once, let me just be this selfish, for once, let me think of us, for once, let me forget about who I really am, and I promise to make it up to you." You continue, and I try to steel my heart, to make it unresponsive to your words, in a failed attempt.
"So you can hurt me again? So I can prepare dinner, for someone who doesn't return the entire night? So I can go on a date with you, when you act so furtively in public? So my heart gets hit again and again by every single movement you do? Because every single thing I do I think of you, and everything you do now just seems to hurt me so badly? So you can just-" I stop halfway, as you cover my mouth with your palm, smiling gently at me.
I know I'm fighting a losing battle, as I feel myself crumbling and surrendering.
"Just let me, be selfish this once. Give me one more chance to make this work." You smile at me, and I notice that your eyes are red and bloodshot, and all the other minute details that have escaped my attention. Your runny nose, the slightly stained patch you left on my shoulder just a few minutes ago, the tear-stained face, everything, that indicates you have been crying. For me?
"I love you, really." You mumble softly beside my ear, and I feel my resolve collapse immediately. I nod back, tears running down my face this time, and you lift your hands to wipe them away from my face.
"I promise." You state softly, but clearly, as I stare into the depths of your eyes.
"No more of those times. I'm glad to have you by my side. No more hiding, no more ducking the public eye anymore." You smile wider, tentatively.
"I love you." That's the only thing I can get out now, after this emotional turmoil of pain, sadness, uncertainty, and hurt.
Sequel=Worthy
---------------
A/N: Finally one fic which comes out fine! I think >.< Still angsty, but I'm moving away from it, SEE the ending is perfectly fine! And happy! Sigh. I'm recovering, but I still need time. Grawr. I hope the lyrics are translated correctly...the feeling's different though >.< I like the Chinese song a lot a lot. Alright! Enjoy!
/edit. Am I writing something wrong? >.< I just...feel a little discouraged at the lack of comments at times. *slaps myself*