Thoughts, and actions
Title: Thoughts, and actions
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Henry centric
Ratings: PG
Genre: Angst
Summary: Henry tries to find something to occupy his mind during his performance in Don't Don, but he doesn't know, that this one scene can trigger so many thoughts and emotions in him.
He tries his best to tune out the chant that is going on around him.
He concentrates fully on the sounds that his violin is producing, every pull, every exertion, every note, must be perfect. Every single movement of his feet, every single facial expression, he makes sure that everything doesn't change at all, as if he is unaffected, as if he is deaf to the chants of the crowd.
He spots Eunhyuk throwing him a concerned glance out of the corner of his eyes, but he cannot respond, or give a reassuring smile to his hyungs around him, because he is too busy squeezing his eyes shut, too busy trying to distract himself, too busy trying to put up the brave front he has been perfecting ever since he knew he was going to be in Super Junior-M.
He roughly feels the dance that is going on around him, the dance that Eunhyuk and Donghae have practiced so much during these few months, just for this concert. He tries his best not to spoil this memory for his hyungs, by hiding behind that intense expression he has whenever he plays the violin. He thinks he can (he thinks), he can transform the chant into cheers for Super Junior on a whole, and he lies to himself, that he is really, truly, hearing E.L.Fs chanting for Super Junior.
He peeps through his eyelids, just a little, because he is (he admits) a little curious to the scene that awaits him. He somewhat knows that he has already guessed the situation beforehand, when he was walking up and down the corridor behind the stage just now. It just unsettles him a little, to see it play out right in front of him. Part of the stadium has became silent, totally silent, and the blue light sticks, those light sticks which every E.L.F. will own to proudly announce themselves as avid fans of Super Junior, have faded. The blue lights that have illuminated the stadium have seemed to fail all of a sudden, as the audience seats plunge into darkness.
He furiously tries to blink back the tears that are already threatening to escape his tightly shut eyes. His hands continue to move on their own accord, already one with his violin. His mind doesn't need to focus on the notes his fingers are playing right now, because he already knows the piece so well he can even play it in his sleep. The supposed distractions he had prepared beforehand are all unsuccessful now, as he finds that his brain is filled with this scene, replaying, replaying in his mind, again and again. Although he tries his very best to block those images out of his mind, and desperately tries to find something else to occupy his mind with, he finds himself failing, and he mentally curses, berating himself for being such….such a person.
Emotionally weak, so weak, that sometimes he hates himself for being like this. Why can't he just strengthen and steel that heart of his, so he can be oblivious to the world around him, to the reactions of others around him, to the silent treatment that he has been given since that cursed announcement? Why can't he stop crying? He knows he doesn't have a reason to cry at all, but somehow those tears just have a mind of their own, sliding down his cheeks, and he tastes the salt in his tears.
Bitter, he decides. His tears must be bitter, because there is this bitter taste that he cannot get rid of in his mouth now, staining his tongue, his taste buds, overwhelming his senses with this single sensation. He belatedly realizes that perhaps, his heart may be connected to his senses, over riding the salty taste, flooding his tongue, inundating it in this bitter sea that he is currently experiencing.
The waves are all rushing around him, against him, pushing against him so strongly, that sometimes he falters, thinking that it is totally useless to even push back, fight back, because he just cannot emerge victorious. It may be easier to surrender at these times, to just give up, just give up, and to just give in to this thought which he has been holding on, and considering, for such a long time.
There is this irrational anger that rises at times, because he just wonders what in the world he had done wrong, to deserve such treatment. He doesn't know anymore, it's all so foreign to him. It's like being sentenced to death even before the trial, even before he is given a chance to defend himself before the jury. The jury already comes up with the sentence before he starts, and he finds himself speechless at such a united front people can actually put up, just because of him. He finds himself immobilized by those emotions in his heart, and it weighs him down so heavily that he is stuck, just stuck onto the same spot, and he doesn't want to move, or he doesn't have the will to even lift a finger against them.
He knows it's not the fans' fault, because he, himself, will feel betrayed and angered at such a decision, such a choice that the company has made. It's like being lied to for several years, thinking that you have the perfect life, with the perfect grades, perfect family and that perfect girlfriend, when it is all torn apart when you find out she is two-timing you, and the unceremonious way she dumps you is just so disparaging, as if you weren't smart enough to realize the truth on your own. It's like finding out you have another half-sibling across the globe, just because your parents are not faithful. It's like having the world break apart on its axis, because it is too burdened to face such people, with manipulative emotions, intentions, and he is tired of this game.
He wonders if there is something called a second chance for him, although he doesn't know where his first chance was in the first place, and where it went to, or even, when it flew across his eyes. He doesn't know how to even approach the opponent across him, to ask for another chance, to restart, to reset this whole situation, to allow him to express himself freely, without inhibitions or restrictions, that the other has placed on him, binding him tightly that he finds himself unable to breathe, before he even opens his mouth to speak.
He lowers his bow softly after playing his piece, and he sees the other members of Super Junior flashing him secret grins or thumbs up, as forms of encouragement. He knows that sometimes, these are enough for him, to keep him going on, until the day when he is too spent. He notices that many of the strings on his bow have broken, splayed in all different directions, and he frowns; he doesn't recall using that much force.
He thinks silently to himself, that the mind is one of the most fascinating objects ever, because it can hold so many thoughts at one go, and allow him to proceed from one to the other, linking all of them nicely at the very end. It constantly reminds him of everything that is happening around him, even though he doesn't want to. It holds every single emotion in his heart for him, storing them, tucking them neatly in this drawer that he himself doesn't know existed, until one day he pulls the drawer open and feels all those angst tumbling out, and he just sits down and starts crying, and crying.
And the fact that he manages to think through all of this during his short violin performance in Don't Don.
He quickly retreats to the back, trying to make himself small, and he feels a little insignificant on stage. He tries to make him invisible to the audience, so maybe, the audience may become invisible to him, and it will soon, not hurt that much, and the pain will go away on its own accord.
He wonders if it is ever, ever possible for the pain to dissipate, to disappear.
Because it left such a deep scar on his heart, and he thinks, he thinks that it is etched into his heart, reminding him constantly with every single throb of his heart.
-------------
A/N: This is an exception, because it's Henry's birthday, and I kind of feel obliged to write something >.< It's angst, because it directly conveys what I am thinking, and feeling now.
Uncertainty. Hurt. Disappointment. Isn't it a bitter sea of emotions?
I apologize for my severe angst a few days back. I was really unstable at that time. I think my heart's in Shanghai, cos suju will be having their concert there real soon. AHHHHH.
Happy birthday Henry! I hope Mochi is not this emotional in real life, though. Oh wells. Hopefully? ^^
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Henry centric
Ratings: PG
Genre: Angst
Summary: Henry tries to find something to occupy his mind during his performance in Don't Don, but he doesn't know, that this one scene can trigger so many thoughts and emotions in him.
He tries his best to tune out the chant that is going on around him.
He concentrates fully on the sounds that his violin is producing, every pull, every exertion, every note, must be perfect. Every single movement of his feet, every single facial expression, he makes sure that everything doesn't change at all, as if he is unaffected, as if he is deaf to the chants of the crowd.
He spots Eunhyuk throwing him a concerned glance out of the corner of his eyes, but he cannot respond, or give a reassuring smile to his hyungs around him, because he is too busy squeezing his eyes shut, too busy trying to distract himself, too busy trying to put up the brave front he has been perfecting ever since he knew he was going to be in Super Junior-M.
He roughly feels the dance that is going on around him, the dance that Eunhyuk and Donghae have practiced so much during these few months, just for this concert. He tries his best not to spoil this memory for his hyungs, by hiding behind that intense expression he has whenever he plays the violin. He thinks he can (he thinks), he can transform the chant into cheers for Super Junior on a whole, and he lies to himself, that he is really, truly, hearing E.L.Fs chanting for Super Junior.
He peeps through his eyelids, just a little, because he is (he admits) a little curious to the scene that awaits him. He somewhat knows that he has already guessed the situation beforehand, when he was walking up and down the corridor behind the stage just now. It just unsettles him a little, to see it play out right in front of him. Part of the stadium has became silent, totally silent, and the blue light sticks, those light sticks which every E.L.F. will own to proudly announce themselves as avid fans of Super Junior, have faded. The blue lights that have illuminated the stadium have seemed to fail all of a sudden, as the audience seats plunge into darkness.
He furiously tries to blink back the tears that are already threatening to escape his tightly shut eyes. His hands continue to move on their own accord, already one with his violin. His mind doesn't need to focus on the notes his fingers are playing right now, because he already knows the piece so well he can even play it in his sleep. The supposed distractions he had prepared beforehand are all unsuccessful now, as he finds that his brain is filled with this scene, replaying, replaying in his mind, again and again. Although he tries his very best to block those images out of his mind, and desperately tries to find something else to occupy his mind with, he finds himself failing, and he mentally curses, berating himself for being such….such a person.
Emotionally weak, so weak, that sometimes he hates himself for being like this. Why can't he just strengthen and steel that heart of his, so he can be oblivious to the world around him, to the reactions of others around him, to the silent treatment that he has been given since that cursed announcement? Why can't he stop crying? He knows he doesn't have a reason to cry at all, but somehow those tears just have a mind of their own, sliding down his cheeks, and he tastes the salt in his tears.
Bitter, he decides. His tears must be bitter, because there is this bitter taste that he cannot get rid of in his mouth now, staining his tongue, his taste buds, overwhelming his senses with this single sensation. He belatedly realizes that perhaps, his heart may be connected to his senses, over riding the salty taste, flooding his tongue, inundating it in this bitter sea that he is currently experiencing.
The waves are all rushing around him, against him, pushing against him so strongly, that sometimes he falters, thinking that it is totally useless to even push back, fight back, because he just cannot emerge victorious. It may be easier to surrender at these times, to just give up, just give up, and to just give in to this thought which he has been holding on, and considering, for such a long time.
There is this irrational anger that rises at times, because he just wonders what in the world he had done wrong, to deserve such treatment. He doesn't know anymore, it's all so foreign to him. It's like being sentenced to death even before the trial, even before he is given a chance to defend himself before the jury. The jury already comes up with the sentence before he starts, and he finds himself speechless at such a united front people can actually put up, just because of him. He finds himself immobilized by those emotions in his heart, and it weighs him down so heavily that he is stuck, just stuck onto the same spot, and he doesn't want to move, or he doesn't have the will to even lift a finger against them.
He knows it's not the fans' fault, because he, himself, will feel betrayed and angered at such a decision, such a choice that the company has made. It's like being lied to for several years, thinking that you have the perfect life, with the perfect grades, perfect family and that perfect girlfriend, when it is all torn apart when you find out she is two-timing you, and the unceremonious way she dumps you is just so disparaging, as if you weren't smart enough to realize the truth on your own. It's like finding out you have another half-sibling across the globe, just because your parents are not faithful. It's like having the world break apart on its axis, because it is too burdened to face such people, with manipulative emotions, intentions, and he is tired of this game.
He wonders if there is something called a second chance for him, although he doesn't know where his first chance was in the first place, and where it went to, or even, when it flew across his eyes. He doesn't know how to even approach the opponent across him, to ask for another chance, to restart, to reset this whole situation, to allow him to express himself freely, without inhibitions or restrictions, that the other has placed on him, binding him tightly that he finds himself unable to breathe, before he even opens his mouth to speak.
He lowers his bow softly after playing his piece, and he sees the other members of Super Junior flashing him secret grins or thumbs up, as forms of encouragement. He knows that sometimes, these are enough for him, to keep him going on, until the day when he is too spent. He notices that many of the strings on his bow have broken, splayed in all different directions, and he frowns; he doesn't recall using that much force.
He thinks silently to himself, that the mind is one of the most fascinating objects ever, because it can hold so many thoughts at one go, and allow him to proceed from one to the other, linking all of them nicely at the very end. It constantly reminds him of everything that is happening around him, even though he doesn't want to. It holds every single emotion in his heart for him, storing them, tucking them neatly in this drawer that he himself doesn't know existed, until one day he pulls the drawer open and feels all those angst tumbling out, and he just sits down and starts crying, and crying.
And the fact that he manages to think through all of this during his short violin performance in Don't Don.
He quickly retreats to the back, trying to make himself small, and he feels a little insignificant on stage. He tries to make him invisible to the audience, so maybe, the audience may become invisible to him, and it will soon, not hurt that much, and the pain will go away on its own accord.
He wonders if it is ever, ever possible for the pain to dissipate, to disappear.
Because it left such a deep scar on his heart, and he thinks, he thinks that it is etched into his heart, reminding him constantly with every single throb of his heart.
-------------
A/N: This is an exception, because it's Henry's birthday, and I kind of feel obliged to write something >.< It's angst, because it directly conveys what I am thinking, and feeling now.
Uncertainty. Hurt. Disappointment. Isn't it a bitter sea of emotions?
I apologize for my severe angst a few days back. I was really unstable at that time. I think my heart's in Shanghai, cos suju will be having their concert there real soon. AHHHHH.
Happy birthday Henry! I hope Mochi is not this emotional in real life, though. Oh wells. Hopefully? ^^