Deserving Chapter 9
I think I'll alternate updates now I've got two sporkings on the go. Previously in Deserving, Snape went into labour and Harry dived headlong into the moral event horizon.
They were gone for almost two hours and Denise was horrified to
... suddenly be female without explanation.
hear loud, agonizing screams coming from inside the house.
The screams might well be agonised, but they'd have to be very loud indeed to be agonising. Agonised is the sound of a man doing something that no man was ever supposed to do. Agonising is the sound of a vuvuzela being blown into your left ear.*
(* Not speaking from direct experience, thankfully.)
“Severus will die soon,” announced the small creature sliding off the bed.
No shit.
Harry tried to grab Dennis by the arm to take him with him, but he simply turned, gave Harry a hateful glare and pulled his arm out of Harry’s reach. The Chosen One could feel the animosity towards him in the room and he left. He had not reached the bottom step when he heard Snape screaming yet again. It surprised him to feel a relief at hearing the piercing sound, but he justified his feelings by telling himself that he was worried about his child.
Not worried enough to get its mother medical assistance sooner. Fucking hell. I take back the moral event horizon bit; this plot is just too ridiculous to take that seriously.
“Here, Potter, you take care of your child. You find a way to feed him as his birthing father and the only one capable of feeding him lies in a coma. Go on, take your child out of here, I have to try to save my friend from your cruelty,” said Poppy. Harry had never seen eyes so cold, except maybe Voldemort’s, and had never thought the mediwitch that had healed and watched over him in the Hospital Wing was capable of such a look. Angry yes, but never cold. Behind her sweet little Dennis had his back to him, couldn’t even stand to look at him. His house elf, who had lead a house elf army out of love and respect for him was nowhere to be seen. Somewhere in there was a man that Harry had given a death sentence.
I think the author's subconscious is trying to tell her something. Like "wow, isn't everyone OOC!"
He was a strong man and there was no way that he was going to be defeated by something as simple as childbirth. After all, how hard could it be? Women have been doing it for ages.
And for most of those ages, death by childbirth was the leading cause of death among women. And that's the gender that actually evolved to bear children. It's not an idiot ball Harry's holding, it's an idiot planet.
“Pure blood, indeed,” scoffed the witch. “All magical babies display the light. And no your family would not have seen the light because you have to be magical in order to see it. Imagine the commotion?” said the woman getting back to her task.
That did answer my question from the last chapter, but the whole "wizard births emit light" thing is still transparently a contrivance so that they don't have to wait eleven years for the Hogwarts letters to arrive before they know which kids are magical. With a fairly clumsy handwave to justify Muggles not having noticed this. Unfortunately, that doesn't fit the Potterverse at all; a major theme of the wizarding world's masquerade is that magical effects need human intervention for Muggles not to notice. There are admittedly magical things that Muggles can't see, like Dementors, but they still feel the effect of their presence.
Harry had to think, “Oh, yeah the Lake District, I’ve never been there but that was the first holiday I remember the Dursley’s taking. Duddly bragged for days how he had seen the World of Beatrix Potter. I will have to read you the stories first. You know I think you have a copy in your room. You have loads of boo…”
This chapter brought to you by Wikitravel. Actually, good taste in destinations there. The Lake District is gorgeous (and only a two-hour train ride from where I live!) and I like the mythology gag: J.K. Rowling chose the surname "Potter" for her hero in honour of Beatrix Potter.
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” screamed his child.
This is what I like to call the Glove of Darth Vader approach to sound. The Glove of Darth Vader and its sequels were Star Wars Expanded Universe novellas from the 1990s, and one of many things that put them firmly in the "so bad it's good" pile was the authors' method of describing sounds. Whereas Timothy Zahn would write something like Artoo warbled a warning (Heir to the Empire opened randomly at page 173), they would write "Droot boopa zinnn," beeped Artoo (The Glove of Darth Vader opened randomly at page 13).
Yeah, kind of like that.
Harry couldn’t understand what could have upset his child so.
How about the fact that only his mother can feed him as you've been told a bazillion times? Make that an idiot star. So Harry gets told to bottle feed the kid:
“A few have done it. Your ex-friendclassmate, Neville Longbottom, earned a spot in the history books as one of the few of our kind who have survived on the bottle. Now, go!” ordered the younger man.
Why is Neville his "ex-friend"? He's one of the few characters he's not rowed with all fic! The fact that he's not appeared and only been mentioned in passing might have to do with that, of course. And by Deserving standards, that resolution of the "how did Neville survive without healthy parents?" plot hole was actually quite subtle.
“I’ve got everything the pharmacist said we would need.
As medical wizards eschew the term "doctor", then by the same reasoning I'm not sure that a seller of wizard medicine would be called a pharmacist. I admit there's no canon on this point, but I'd go with "apothecary".
“I don’t see him swallowing,” contradicted Dennis.
"I don't see him swallowing," Dennis contradicted him.
because the way it's written looks as though the quoted dialogue is contradicting Dennis rather than a contradiction by Dennis. Or, even better:
"I don't see him swallowing," said Dennis.
because the fact that he's contradicting Harry is a given because their statements are in opposition.
“Listen to me, little one, your papa is going to be alright. He is a strong man and if you hang in there he is going to wake up and take good care of you; I promise,” and to his utter surprise his baby opened his eyes and Harry swore he saw his child smile up at him. “That’s it, little one, papa is going to feed you soon and he is going to show you your new room. Would you like to know a secret? He thinks I don’t know that he designed the room for you. We will keep it our little secret.
Okay, I admit it. 100% non-sarcasm: awww. :)
“Mr. Single is requesting entrance,” announced the elf.
“Granted,” said Harry not taking his eyes off his child.
Soon the ministry official was entering the room with a parchment in his hands. Poppy took the parchment and started to write on it, confusing Harry.
“The birth certificate,” explained Mr. Single.
Single seems to do all the Ministry's paperwork (pun not intended) single-handed. Have I mentioned I quite like this guy? In a "love to hate" kind of way, anyway. He becomes a great villain later on.
“Sir, it is your privilege to name your child,” croaked the birthing father.
“I know it is and I also know that you have no rights.”
Harry saw the corner of his eyes that Dennis holding Poppy back.
“The only privileges that you have are those I grant you and I am granting you the privilege of naming the baby.”
He's contradicting himself!
“Richard.”
“Richard,” repeated the Guide. “Why?”
“It means powerful and brave,” said Snape while looking at the child that was suckling in his arms.
This chapter brought to you by BehindTheName.com. Actually, kudos on not picking some silly made-up name like far too many fanfic writers do.
“The name of the birthing father is not given; shall I assume that it is your wish to keep the Death Eater’s name out of the child’s record?” asked the Ministry Official with a raised eyebrow.
Dennis had two hands on Poppy now and was using unknown force to keep her from hexing the Savior of the Wizarding World.
I very much doubt that Harry's status as saviour of the wizarding world is foremost in the minds of anyone present, not least Harry himself, though I've long since given up keeping track of whose POV this is.
Harry knew he did not owe Severus an explanation but decided to give him one anyway. “After what happen to Kings, I don’t think Richard should be linked to a Marked One.” He said, hoping Snape would understand and adding, “for his safety.”
Harry is actually being sensible?
Harry resented that his friend and perhaps one of his biggest fans had turned against him and all because of Severus Snape.
No, all because you've been holding the VY Canis Majoris of idiot stars.
Continued...
They were gone for almost two hours and Denise was horrified to
... suddenly be female without explanation.
hear loud, agonizing screams coming from inside the house.
The screams might well be agonised, but they'd have to be very loud indeed to be agonising. Agonised is the sound of a man doing something that no man was ever supposed to do. Agonising is the sound of a vuvuzela being blown into your left ear.*
(* Not speaking from direct experience, thankfully.)
“Severus will die soon,” announced the small creature sliding off the bed.
No shit.
Harry tried to grab Dennis by the arm to take him with him, but he simply turned, gave Harry a hateful glare and pulled his arm out of Harry’s reach. The Chosen One could feel the animosity towards him in the room and he left. He had not reached the bottom step when he heard Snape screaming yet again. It surprised him to feel a relief at hearing the piercing sound, but he justified his feelings by telling himself that he was worried about his child.
Not worried enough to get its mother medical assistance sooner. Fucking hell. I take back the moral event horizon bit; this plot is just too ridiculous to take that seriously.
“Here, Potter, you take care of your child. You find a way to feed him as his birthing father and the only one capable of feeding him lies in a coma. Go on, take your child out of here, I have to try to save my friend from your cruelty,” said Poppy. Harry had never seen eyes so cold, except maybe Voldemort’s, and had never thought the mediwitch that had healed and watched over him in the Hospital Wing was capable of such a look. Angry yes, but never cold. Behind her sweet little Dennis had his back to him, couldn’t even stand to look at him. His house elf, who had lead a house elf army out of love and respect for him was nowhere to be seen. Somewhere in there was a man that Harry had given a death sentence.
I think the author's subconscious is trying to tell her something. Like "wow, isn't everyone OOC!"
He was a strong man and there was no way that he was going to be defeated by something as simple as childbirth. After all, how hard could it be? Women have been doing it for ages.
And for most of those ages, death by childbirth was the leading cause of death among women. And that's the gender that actually evolved to bear children. It's not an idiot ball Harry's holding, it's an idiot planet.
“Pure blood, indeed,” scoffed the witch. “All magical babies display the light. And no your family would not have seen the light because you have to be magical in order to see it. Imagine the commotion?” said the woman getting back to her task.
That did answer my question from the last chapter, but the whole "wizard births emit light" thing is still transparently a contrivance so that they don't have to wait eleven years for the Hogwarts letters to arrive before they know which kids are magical. With a fairly clumsy handwave to justify Muggles not having noticed this. Unfortunately, that doesn't fit the Potterverse at all; a major theme of the wizarding world's masquerade is that magical effects need human intervention for Muggles not to notice. There are admittedly magical things that Muggles can't see, like Dementors, but they still feel the effect of their presence.
Harry had to think, “Oh, yeah the Lake District, I’ve never been there but that was the first holiday I remember the Dursley’s taking. Duddly bragged for days how he had seen the World of Beatrix Potter. I will have to read you the stories first. You know I think you have a copy in your room. You have loads of boo…”
This chapter brought to you by Wikitravel. Actually, good taste in destinations there. The Lake District is gorgeous (and only a two-hour train ride from where I live!) and I like the mythology gag: J.K. Rowling chose the surname "Potter" for her hero in honour of Beatrix Potter.
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” screamed his child.
This is what I like to call the Glove of Darth Vader approach to sound. The Glove of Darth Vader and its sequels were Star Wars Expanded Universe novellas from the 1990s, and one of many things that put them firmly in the "so bad it's good" pile was the authors' method of describing sounds. Whereas Timothy Zahn would write something like Artoo warbled a warning (Heir to the Empire opened randomly at page 173), they would write "Droot boopa zinnn," beeped Artoo (The Glove of Darth Vader opened randomly at page 13).
Yeah, kind of like that.
Harry couldn’t understand what could have upset his child so.
How about the fact that only his mother can feed him as you've been told a bazillion times? Make that an idiot star. So Harry gets told to bottle feed the kid:
“A few have done it. Your ex-friendclassmate, Neville Longbottom, earned a spot in the history books as one of the few of our kind who have survived on the bottle. Now, go!” ordered the younger man.
Why is Neville his "ex-friend"? He's one of the few characters he's not rowed with all fic! The fact that he's not appeared and only been mentioned in passing might have to do with that, of course. And by Deserving standards, that resolution of the "how did Neville survive without healthy parents?" plot hole was actually quite subtle.
“I’ve got everything the pharmacist said we would need.
As medical wizards eschew the term "doctor", then by the same reasoning I'm not sure that a seller of wizard medicine would be called a pharmacist. I admit there's no canon on this point, but I'd go with "apothecary".
“I don’t see him swallowing,” contradicted Dennis.
"I don't see him swallowing," Dennis contradicted him.
because the way it's written looks as though the quoted dialogue is contradicting Dennis rather than a contradiction by Dennis. Or, even better:
"I don't see him swallowing," said Dennis.
because the fact that he's contradicting Harry is a given because their statements are in opposition.
“Listen to me, little one, your papa is going to be alright. He is a strong man and if you hang in there he is going to wake up and take good care of you; I promise,” and to his utter surprise his baby opened his eyes and Harry swore he saw his child smile up at him. “That’s it, little one, papa is going to feed you soon and he is going to show you your new room. Would you like to know a secret? He thinks I don’t know that he designed the room for you. We will keep it our little secret.
Okay, I admit it. 100% non-sarcasm: awww. :)
“Mr. Single is requesting entrance,” announced the elf.
“Granted,” said Harry not taking his eyes off his child.
Soon the ministry official was entering the room with a parchment in his hands. Poppy took the parchment and started to write on it, confusing Harry.
“The birth certificate,” explained Mr. Single.
Single seems to do all the Ministry's paperwork (pun not intended) single-handed. Have I mentioned I quite like this guy? In a "love to hate" kind of way, anyway. He becomes a great villain later on.
“Sir, it is your privilege to name your child,” croaked the birthing father.
“I know it is and I also know that you have no rights.”
Harry saw the corner of his eyes that Dennis holding Poppy back.
“The only privileges that you have are those I grant you and I am granting you the privilege of naming the baby.”
He's contradicting himself!
“Richard.”
“Richard,” repeated the Guide. “Why?”
“It means powerful and brave,” said Snape while looking at the child that was suckling in his arms.
This chapter brought to you by BehindTheName.com. Actually, kudos on not picking some silly made-up name like far too many fanfic writers do.
“The name of the birthing father is not given; shall I assume that it is your wish to keep the Death Eater’s name out of the child’s record?” asked the Ministry Official with a raised eyebrow.
Dennis had two hands on Poppy now and was using unknown force to keep her from hexing the Savior of the Wizarding World.
I very much doubt that Harry's status as saviour of the wizarding world is foremost in the minds of anyone present, not least Harry himself, though I've long since given up keeping track of whose POV this is.
Harry knew he did not owe Severus an explanation but decided to give him one anyway. “After what happen to Kings, I don’t think Richard should be linked to a Marked One.” He said, hoping Snape would understand and adding, “for his safety.”
Harry is actually being sensible?
Harry resented that his friend and perhaps one of his biggest fans had turned against him and all because of Severus Snape.
No, all because you've been holding the VY Canis Majoris of idiot stars.
Continued...