Betrayed Revenge Chapter 3
Fingers crossed for England tomorrow. If we don't beat Slovenia we don't deserve to get out of the group, to be honest. Until then, I return you to the Jaidenverse.
Ghost!Ron actually seems a lot more like canon!Ron than evil!Ron from Dark Secrets did. This Ron seems to limit himself to harmless pranks like doodling in the mist on a window. He's probably been getting tips from Peeves. (Yes, I know Potterverse poltergeists aren't actually undead.)
"Guess who?" has appeared on the window, and it isn't viral marketing for a children's board game. Yes, it's poltergeist!Ron.
" D-Draco? " Jaiden stuttered stumbling back from the window, " D-Draco! "
The kitchen door opened and Draco entered the room, looking alarmed but confused.
[snip]
" I don't know, I just don't know… unless… no it can't be he's dead, "
" Jaiden honey… what are you talking about? "
" Ron… " Jaiden whispered.
" Ron? How could he have anything to do with that? He's dead, " Draco told her.
" Yes I know that I just said that," Jaiden snapped,
Even Jaiden-Sue has realised this conversation is dragging on too long and becoming repetitive.
" When he left that note saying that he had you… " She told him softly remembering that night, her back still hadn't fully healed.
Healing magic, as you might recall, being completely nonexistent in the Jaidenverse except for a healing potion that seemed to be nothing but background filler. Evil!Ron stabbed her with what seemed from the description to be a perfectly mundane pocketknife, but from the way everyone was acting you'd think it was the Dagger of Vashna or something.
" He did? " He asked confused.
" Yeah… I guess you wouldn't remember that, you were kinda knocked out at the time, "
You can see the kind of snarky dialogue (not unlike that of the Harry Potter books themselves) that she's going for, but it really isn't working.
" What about ghosts? Couldn't the come back, "
" No, only if they choose to or have unfinished business,"
I see she's read Deathly Hallows. I bet she was disappointed that Voldemort wasn't killed with a pocketknife.
" Ron, " Jaiden said quietly.
" Jaiden… he's dead, " Hermione, said as she entered the kitchen as well
Yes, we get it, he's dead! We saw Draco throw the Pocketknife of Vashna into his throat!
" It's him, " She told them stomping her foot,
Jaiden-Sue the toddler.
Draco grabbed her shoulders and shook her gently, " He can't come he's dead… dead, "
" No he's not, he's NOT! " She screamed in his face, yanking out of his grasp and tearing out of the kitchen, leaving them to stare after her.
Do you suppose that evil!Ron is dead and Jaiden-Sue doesn't believe him to be? That's the message I'm taking from this scene, but I might be going out on a limb there.
Out in the hall, she could hear the painting again,
Walburga Black screams almost as loudly as Jaiden-Sue, who does what any mighty heroine does upon discovering poltergeist activity, and runs to the bathroom, throws up and passes out. And chokes on her own vomit. The End.
She comes to on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue.
" D-Draco… what happened? Where am I? " Jaiden asked groggily.
" You passed out… we found you in the bathroom, and brought you to our room, " Draco told her.
" Oh… ow my head, " Jaiden said after a moment.
" Do you wanna go to the doctor's? " Harry asked.
No self-respecting witch would want anything to do with "those Muggle nutters who cut people up" (Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 22*) but we've established by now that Jaiden-Sue is neither self-respecting nor all that much of a witch.
(* which I have some doubt as to whether the author has read.)
Pushing past them, she went downstairs
Lucky she didn't knock anyone down the stairs, really.
" Jade… We really think you should go… " Hermione said hesitantly.
" Will you guys just drop it? I am fine I don't need a doctor, "
Nothing else happened after those words appeared a few weeks ago.
What, nothing at all? Were they all in stasis? They might as well have been, the way this scene change is structured: it looks as though they've fallen through a time warp.
At the Ministry both Draco and Jaiden were still on desk duty.
" This is ridiculous, " Draco burst out suddenly, " I can't stand anymore of this, "
I'm assuming that they're working in some kind of office at the Ministry when this conversation is taking place, but the description is so unclear that my mind puts them once more on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue.
" Your telling me, " Jaiden agreed, " I have a half a mind to go talk to Zelba to put us back on active duty, "
" I wouldn't advise it, " Harry said.
Once again Harry pops up out of nowhere. This was funny when The (original) Office did it, with Gareth's "so, what's an elf?" line when we didn't realise he'd even been in the room up until that point, but here it's just dumb. And now I have the image of the Harry Potter characters working at Wernham Hogg. There's a crackfic in there somewhere.
About ten minutes later, Jaiden opened the door fuming, slamming the door behind her;
Jaiden-Sue isn't entirely useless; she has special powers such that she can open a door and close it - slam it, indeed - at the same time. Anyway, even her boss doesn't like her:
" What happened? " Draco asked.
" Two weeks suspension without pay, " She huffed.
Zelba should be grateful that the Ministry staff aren't unionised.
" I got off desk duty, " Draco announced sometime later.
" What! " Jaiden said, " That's so unfair, "
Jaiden-Sue does a point, even if she does express it like a whiny teenager (which, of course, she is) - Draco gets let off but she gets suspended just for asking for what Draco actually got. Because Jaiden-Sue is the resident put-upon damsel. Again, one has to wonder how she became an Auror in the first place and how she didn't get killed in her first mission.
" Oh… fine, " Jaiden relented turning on her heel she went into the living room and plopped onto the couch.
It gets to the point where even trying to visualise what's going on gives me a headache.
Slowly she slipped into the haunting darkness of a nightmare. The room she was standing in was fairly large in size; the only source of light was a candle lit chandelier, and a fairly large bon fire in the center of the room.
That must break every fire regulation in existence.
" We lost a most faithful friend and collogue, " Voldemort said, " And tonight he will rejoin our mists, "
Congrats, author, you're on wrongworddammit!
" Because Avery, Weasley's murderer is going unpunished, and by calling upon his soul and returning it to earth, and by this he will get his revenge, "
" Brilliant! "
He has to say that or he'll get AK'd.
" Hades… father of the underworld, greatest of the Greek Gods, I call upon you to release a young spirit taken from this earth so violently… I… offer you this blood sacrifice… "
Jaiden watched as a dagger appeared in his right hand, turning slightly he shoved the dagger into Wormtail's abdomen, releasing the dagger, he threw Wormtail into the fired, his shrieks of pain followed echoing off the stone walls, they quickly diminished " In return for thy spirit of Ronald Weasley… "
This really doesn't need to be repeated verbatim aside from Jaiden's presence, and the sight of Voldemort invoking Hades to bring Ron back from the dead doesn't make any more sense second time round.
Jaiden stepped backwards as the fire suddenly burned bright, almost blinding and flared up touching the ceiling. The fire decreased slowly revealing, a semi-white and transparent, immortal.
You can tell he's immortal just by looking at him?
Raising it's head, it gazed around the room, at the Death Eaters, his cold, heartless eyes landed on Voldemort and a ghostly smile spread across his spiteful features…
The cold heartless eyes and the spiteful features of... the guy in my icon. I think not.
Voldemort suddenly turned and face her, staring directly into here eyes. Jaiden was frozen in place… she saw him walked over to her and circle around behind her, she felt his breath in her ear as he whispered…
" So nice of you and your child to join us… "
I called it, didn't I? Do female characters ever get stomach trouble for any other reason?
Continued...
Ghost!Ron actually seems a lot more like canon!Ron than evil!Ron from Dark Secrets did. This Ron seems to limit himself to harmless pranks like doodling in the mist on a window. He's probably been getting tips from Peeves. (Yes, I know Potterverse poltergeists aren't actually undead.)
"Guess who?" has appeared on the window, and it isn't viral marketing for a children's board game. Yes, it's poltergeist!Ron.
" D-Draco? " Jaiden stuttered stumbling back from the window, " D-Draco! "
The kitchen door opened and Draco entered the room, looking alarmed but confused.
[snip]
" I don't know, I just don't know… unless… no it can't be he's dead, "
" Jaiden honey… what are you talking about? "
" Ron… " Jaiden whispered.
" Ron? How could he have anything to do with that? He's dead, " Draco told her.
" Yes I know that I just said that," Jaiden snapped,
Even Jaiden-Sue has realised this conversation is dragging on too long and becoming repetitive.
" When he left that note saying that he had you… " She told him softly remembering that night, her back still hadn't fully healed.
Healing magic, as you might recall, being completely nonexistent in the Jaidenverse except for a healing potion that seemed to be nothing but background filler. Evil!Ron stabbed her with what seemed from the description to be a perfectly mundane pocketknife, but from the way everyone was acting you'd think it was the Dagger of Vashna or something.
" He did? " He asked confused.
" Yeah… I guess you wouldn't remember that, you were kinda knocked out at the time, "
You can see the kind of snarky dialogue (not unlike that of the Harry Potter books themselves) that she's going for, but it really isn't working.
" What about ghosts? Couldn't the come back, "
" No, only if they choose to or have unfinished business,"
I see she's read Deathly Hallows. I bet she was disappointed that Voldemort wasn't killed with a pocketknife.
" Ron, " Jaiden said quietly.
" Jaiden… he's dead, " Hermione, said as she entered the kitchen as well
Yes, we get it, he's dead! We saw Draco throw the Pocketknife of Vashna into his throat!
" It's him, " She told them stomping her foot,
Jaiden-Sue the toddler.
Draco grabbed her shoulders and shook her gently, " He can't come he's dead… dead, "
" No he's not, he's NOT! " She screamed in his face, yanking out of his grasp and tearing out of the kitchen, leaving them to stare after her.
Do you suppose that evil!Ron is dead and Jaiden-Sue doesn't believe him to be? That's the message I'm taking from this scene, but I might be going out on a limb there.
Out in the hall, she could hear the painting again,
Walburga Black screams almost as loudly as Jaiden-Sue, who does what any mighty heroine does upon discovering poltergeist activity, and runs to the bathroom, throws up and passes out. And chokes on her own vomit. The End.
She comes to on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue.
" D-Draco… what happened? Where am I? " Jaiden asked groggily.
" You passed out… we found you in the bathroom, and brought you to our room, " Draco told her.
" Oh… ow my head, " Jaiden said after a moment.
" Do you wanna go to the doctor's? " Harry asked.
No self-respecting witch would want anything to do with "those Muggle nutters who cut people up" (Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 22*) but we've established by now that Jaiden-Sue is neither self-respecting nor all that much of a witch.
(* which I have some doubt as to whether the author has read.)
Pushing past them, she went downstairs
Lucky she didn't knock anyone down the stairs, really.
" Jade… We really think you should go… " Hermione said hesitantly.
" Will you guys just drop it? I am fine I don't need a doctor, "
Nothing else happened after those words appeared a few weeks ago.
What, nothing at all? Were they all in stasis? They might as well have been, the way this scene change is structured: it looks as though they've fallen through a time warp.
At the Ministry both Draco and Jaiden were still on desk duty.
" This is ridiculous, " Draco burst out suddenly, " I can't stand anymore of this, "
I'm assuming that they're working in some kind of office at the Ministry when this conversation is taking place, but the description is so unclear that my mind puts them once more on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue.
" Your telling me, " Jaiden agreed, " I have a half a mind to go talk to Zelba to put us back on active duty, "
" I wouldn't advise it, " Harry said.
Once again Harry pops up out of nowhere. This was funny when The (original) Office did it, with Gareth's "so, what's an elf?" line when we didn't realise he'd even been in the room up until that point, but here it's just dumb. And now I have the image of the Harry Potter characters working at Wernham Hogg. There's a crackfic in there somewhere.
About ten minutes later, Jaiden opened the door fuming, slamming the door behind her;
Jaiden-Sue isn't entirely useless; she has special powers such that she can open a door and close it - slam it, indeed - at the same time. Anyway, even her boss doesn't like her:
" What happened? " Draco asked.
" Two weeks suspension without pay, " She huffed.
Zelba should be grateful that the Ministry staff aren't unionised.
" I got off desk duty, " Draco announced sometime later.
" What! " Jaiden said, " That's so unfair, "
Jaiden-Sue does a point, even if she does express it like a whiny teenager (which, of course, she is) - Draco gets let off but she gets suspended just for asking for what Draco actually got. Because Jaiden-Sue is the resident put-upon damsel. Again, one has to wonder how she became an Auror in the first place and how she didn't get killed in her first mission.
" Oh… fine, " Jaiden relented turning on her heel she went into the living room and plopped onto the couch.
It gets to the point where even trying to visualise what's going on gives me a headache.
Slowly she slipped into the haunting darkness of a nightmare. The room she was standing in was fairly large in size; the only source of light was a candle lit chandelier, and a fairly large bon fire in the center of the room.
That must break every fire regulation in existence.
" We lost a most faithful friend and collogue, " Voldemort said, " And tonight he will rejoin our mists, "
Congrats, author, you're on wrongworddammit!
" Because Avery, Weasley's murderer is going unpunished, and by calling upon his soul and returning it to earth, and by this he will get his revenge, "
" Brilliant! "
He has to say that or he'll get AK'd.
" Hades… father of the underworld, greatest of the Greek Gods, I call upon you to release a young spirit taken from this earth so violently… I… offer you this blood sacrifice… "
Jaiden watched as a dagger appeared in his right hand, turning slightly he shoved the dagger into Wormtail's abdomen, releasing the dagger, he threw Wormtail into the fired, his shrieks of pain followed echoing off the stone walls, they quickly diminished " In return for thy spirit of Ronald Weasley… "
This really doesn't need to be repeated verbatim aside from Jaiden's presence, and the sight of Voldemort invoking Hades to bring Ron back from the dead doesn't make any more sense second time round.
Jaiden stepped backwards as the fire suddenly burned bright, almost blinding and flared up touching the ceiling. The fire decreased slowly revealing, a semi-white and transparent, immortal.
You can tell he's immortal just by looking at him?
Raising it's head, it gazed around the room, at the Death Eaters, his cold, heartless eyes landed on Voldemort and a ghostly smile spread across his spiteful features…
The cold heartless eyes and the spiteful features of... the guy in my icon. I think not.
Voldemort suddenly turned and face her, staring directly into here eyes. Jaiden was frozen in place… she saw him walked over to her and circle around behind her, she felt his breath in her ear as he whispered…
" So nice of you and your child to join us… "
I called it, didn't I? Do female characters ever get stomach trouble for any other reason?
Continued...