Dark Secrets Chapters 11-13
How can Jaiden Lee Malfoy possibly top the brain-melting failstorm that was Chapter 10?
After her altercation with Gollum in the library, Jaiden-Sue goes outside and runs into Hermione on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue. They talk about Harry for a bit, then:
“ Oh ok, anyways… What’s gong on with you and Ron? ”
[snip]
“ Because I… well, I’ve always like him and wanted to date him for like ever and he’s cute too, ”
Completely out of the blue. I know that Hermione fancying Ron is very much canonical (sorry, Harmonians) but here it's out of nowhere with no foreshadowing and actually no impact on the plot either. Hermione hasn't acted jealously towards Jaiden-Sue that I can see. It's like the question "what about Hermione and Ron?" had only just occurred to her.
Jaiden looked at her like she as crazy, ‘ How could she like that monster?’
She said that out loud? Really?
“ It’s nothing, well I better be off got home work to do and make up, ”
Because she needs to look her best for the final battle?
Jaiden-Sue arrives back at the Love Shack to find Draco waiting for her. She breaks the bad news about Gollum:
“ Nothing that bad… But… ” She looked at him, “ He knows, ”
“ What do you mean ‘he knows’? ”
“ About us, about last night, ” She answered.
“ How did he find out? ” Draco asked.
I don't know; do you suppose it's the raven you know he's been using to spy on you since the beginning?
And she did pulling him down on top of here kissing him slowly. Grinning he kissed her back just as lovingly, pulling away he smiled at her.
*boggles* Has she actually figured out how to use the past progressive tense properly?
Kissing her again he got up and went to his room.
No.
Out of nowhere a yell from Draco sounded, followed by a thump that came from inside his room. Getting up she ran to his room, finding no one. A chair was upturned, as well as a waste basket.
Tense fail aside, we're supposed to believe that Draco's mysterious kidnapper (spoiler: it was Gollum) bust in, subdued him and made a getaway in the time it took her to run to his room?
Hey Jade Baby,
Guess who? Yes that’s right it’s me Ron and I got someone you want… If you’re still wondering about who I’ve got… I’ll give you three guesses 1… 2… 3… Give up yet? I didn’t think so, that’s right I have your precious Draco: who doesn’t look to good right now, but you’re the one who put him in this situation now didn’t you, you shouldn’t of disobeyed me Jaiden. But I’ve got a proposition for you, no listen very, very carefully… you are to come down here where this all began. If you don’t, another one of your friend will be hurt or maybe even killed, it’s your choice. I give you until 10:00 p.m. yes one hour from now. You are to come alone, not before, not after. If you don’t follow these instructions, you know the consequences. Remember 10:00 p.m. No later.
Ron
The plot thinnens. Doesn't this look more like a monologue than something someone would actually write in a note?
“ This can’t be real, ” She told herself, but she knew it was, and the anger was welling up inside of her, “ The slimy son-of-a-bit- ” she hauled back her right leg and kicked the trunk at the end of Draco’s bed.
“ Ow, ow, ow, ” She cried jumping up and down hold her foot, “ Mother freaker ricken fracken, ow I think I broke my foot, ”
Who let Yosemite Sam in?
“ I’m going to murder him,” She ran out of the dorm and common room, through the castle and made her way down to the lake.
Meeting nobody on the way down, and not thinking to tell any authority figures. Then again this is the idiot who, when about to go into the thrilling climactic battle of the fic, broke her foot kicking Draco's trunk. Wait, how's she running?
Memories flooded her mind as she can to the clearing where this all began, entering though the trees once again, she gasp as she took in the scene.
Ron stood with his back to her: a bon fire was lit in the center growing bigger by the second. Draco lay feet from her, on his side. Taking a step she, turned to go to his side.
The fire doesn't seem to do anything except burn and look vaguely ominous.
Ron didn’t seem to here her, but he raised his hand to the side of him, and began to make a fist, as he done so Draco started to convulse and groan in pain.
HALLELUJAH! MAGIC! AT LAST!
As soon as he removed his wand, Jaiden began to struggle against him, slapping at him she made his wand fly out of his hand.
Yes, we all remember how Harry bitch-slapped Voldemort when they were duelling. What's this Squib doing as Head Girl of Hogwarts?
Picking her up he threw her over his shoulder, and carried her to the lake. Stopping at the shore he threw her into the water. Ron reached to his back pocket and drew a pocketknife out, snapping it open, he followed her into the water…
That dread artefact of Dark Magic... the Pocketknife of Doom! So powerful that he doesn't even need to bother retrieving his wand! Maybe she thinks Potterverse wizards are like D&D wizards and can only cast a few spells a day. Actually, that would also explain why healing spells don't seem to exist. I might be onto something there.
Onwards to Chapter 13. Unlucky for some, but not for people reading the fic because it's the last one.
Ron swung the hand with the knife under the water. Jaiden screamed as she felt the knife enter her lower back, just missing her spine.
Hello, water resistance?
“ Had enough yet? ”
“ Over my dead body, ” he told him savagely.
“ That can be arranged, ” He said, he then dunked her under again.
Jaiden thrashed her body around trying to break his hold on her, but it was no use. She couldn’t hold up much longer.
“ You know you could have prevented this, ” He said as he pulled her up again.
“ F-ck off, ”
“ Already did, ” Ron said just as he was about to hold her under again, he flew sideways.
Again with the reluctance to swear in this feast of rape, porn and knife fights. And that last comeback doesn't even make sense. Their banter isn't a duel of wits so much as a duel of halfwits.
“ Never mess with a Malfoy, ” Draco said panting, “ Jade are you alright? ” He asked helping her up.
Gollum flies sideways, Draco appears out of nowhere and suddenly everyone's on dry land again. What the everloving fuck just happened? We get several weighty paragraphs of tab A being inserted into slot B, but barely enough description of the climactic battle to even tell what's going on? Draco and Gollum fight each other:
A shocked look fell on Ron’s face, bringing his hand up he felt for the knife and found it in his neck. The next second he fell backwards… Dead.
And there we have it.
" Come on we’ve got to go to Dumbledore, ” Draco told her.
And together they went back up to the castle. Inside they walked to the stone gargoyle, and gave the password. Watching the gargoyle jump aside, they mounted the stairs and climbed up, and stopped at the large wooden door. Jaiden raised a hand and knocked loudly…
“ Come in, ” Came Dumbledore’s voice from the other side of the door, permitting them to enter.
No, I don't know what Dumbledore is doing in a seventh-year fic written after the release of Half-Blood Prince either.
Months had gone by and things were still going great, they had returned to normal, well as normal as you could get at Hogwarts anyway. In a few weeks they would be graduating from seven long years of magic.
Magic? What bloody magic? Jaiden-Sue, Harry and Hermione gather on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue to reflect on what's happened.
“ I can’t believe you went through all of that, ” Harry was saying.
“ Yeah I know, ” Jaiden agreed.
“ And Ron, how could he betray us like that? ” He asked.
“ I don’t know, ” Jaiden sighed.
“ So I guess you are on out side now huh? ” Harry asked turning to Draoc.
“ I guess so, ” Draco responded.
“ Well welcome to the group, ” Harry said holding out his hand.
“ Thanks, ” He said taking his hand and shook it.
“ Quite alright, now as soon as I get out of here we’ll figure out something, ”
Jaiden smiled things were finally going right.
And with Ron dead, Harry out of the Hospital Wing… Well almost out. Her and Draco were finally an official couple graduation coming up…
She thought things could get any better…
How very wrong she was…
That's a sequel hook, isn't it?
___Finis___
And there was much rejoicing. Now where did I put that beer?
After her altercation with Gollum in the library, Jaiden-Sue goes outside and runs into Hermione on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue. They talk about Harry for a bit, then:
“ Oh ok, anyways… What’s gong on with you and Ron? ”
[snip]
“ Because I… well, I’ve always like him and wanted to date him for like ever and he’s cute too, ”
Completely out of the blue. I know that Hermione fancying Ron is very much canonical (sorry, Harmonians) but here it's out of nowhere with no foreshadowing and actually no impact on the plot either. Hermione hasn't acted jealously towards Jaiden-Sue that I can see. It's like the question "what about Hermione and Ron?" had only just occurred to her.
Jaiden looked at her like she as crazy, ‘ How could she like that monster?’
She said that out loud? Really?
“ It’s nothing, well I better be off got home work to do and make up, ”
Because she needs to look her best for the final battle?
Jaiden-Sue arrives back at the Love Shack to find Draco waiting for her. She breaks the bad news about Gollum:
“ Nothing that bad… But… ” She looked at him, “ He knows, ”
“ What do you mean ‘he knows’? ”
“ About us, about last night, ” She answered.
“ How did he find out? ” Draco asked.
I don't know; do you suppose it's the raven you know he's been using to spy on you since the beginning?
And she did pulling him down on top of here kissing him slowly. Grinning he kissed her back just as lovingly, pulling away he smiled at her.
*boggles* Has she actually figured out how to use the past progressive tense properly?
Kissing her again he got up and went to his room.
No.
Out of nowhere a yell from Draco sounded, followed by a thump that came from inside his room. Getting up she ran to his room, finding no one. A chair was upturned, as well as a waste basket.
Tense fail aside, we're supposed to believe that Draco's mysterious kidnapper (spoiler: it was Gollum) bust in, subdued him and made a getaway in the time it took her to run to his room?
Hey Jade Baby,
Guess who? Yes that’s right it’s me Ron and I got someone you want… If you’re still wondering about who I’ve got… I’ll give you three guesses 1… 2… 3… Give up yet? I didn’t think so, that’s right I have your precious Draco: who doesn’t look to good right now, but you’re the one who put him in this situation now didn’t you, you shouldn’t of disobeyed me Jaiden. But I’ve got a proposition for you, no listen very, very carefully… you are to come down here where this all began. If you don’t, another one of your friend will be hurt or maybe even killed, it’s your choice. I give you until 10:00 p.m. yes one hour from now. You are to come alone, not before, not after. If you don’t follow these instructions, you know the consequences. Remember 10:00 p.m. No later.
Ron
The plot thinnens. Doesn't this look more like a monologue than something someone would actually write in a note?
“ This can’t be real, ” She told herself, but she knew it was, and the anger was welling up inside of her, “ The slimy son-of-a-bit- ” she hauled back her right leg and kicked the trunk at the end of Draco’s bed.
“ Ow, ow, ow, ” She cried jumping up and down hold her foot, “ Mother freaker ricken fracken, ow I think I broke my foot, ”
Who let Yosemite Sam in?
“ I’m going to murder him,” She ran out of the dorm and common room, through the castle and made her way down to the lake.
Meeting nobody on the way down, and not thinking to tell any authority figures. Then again this is the idiot who, when about to go into the thrilling climactic battle of the fic, broke her foot kicking Draco's trunk. Wait, how's she running?
Memories flooded her mind as she can to the clearing where this all began, entering though the trees once again, she gasp as she took in the scene.
Ron stood with his back to her: a bon fire was lit in the center growing bigger by the second. Draco lay feet from her, on his side. Taking a step she, turned to go to his side.
The fire doesn't seem to do anything except burn and look vaguely ominous.
Ron didn’t seem to here her, but he raised his hand to the side of him, and began to make a fist, as he done so Draco started to convulse and groan in pain.
HALLELUJAH! MAGIC! AT LAST!
As soon as he removed his wand, Jaiden began to struggle against him, slapping at him she made his wand fly out of his hand.
Yes, we all remember how Harry bitch-slapped Voldemort when they were duelling. What's this Squib doing as Head Girl of Hogwarts?
Picking her up he threw her over his shoulder, and carried her to the lake. Stopping at the shore he threw her into the water. Ron reached to his back pocket and drew a pocketknife out, snapping it open, he followed her into the water…
That dread artefact of Dark Magic... the Pocketknife of Doom! So powerful that he doesn't even need to bother retrieving his wand! Maybe she thinks Potterverse wizards are like D&D wizards and can only cast a few spells a day. Actually, that would also explain why healing spells don't seem to exist. I might be onto something there.
Onwards to Chapter 13. Unlucky for some, but not for people reading the fic because it's the last one.
Ron swung the hand with the knife under the water. Jaiden screamed as she felt the knife enter her lower back, just missing her spine.
Hello, water resistance?
“ Had enough yet? ”
“ Over my dead body, ” he told him savagely.
“ That can be arranged, ” He said, he then dunked her under again.
Jaiden thrashed her body around trying to break his hold on her, but it was no use. She couldn’t hold up much longer.
“ You know you could have prevented this, ” He said as he pulled her up again.
“ F-ck off, ”
“ Already did, ” Ron said just as he was about to hold her under again, he flew sideways.
Again with the reluctance to swear in this feast of rape, porn and knife fights. And that last comeback doesn't even make sense. Their banter isn't a duel of wits so much as a duel of halfwits.
“ Never mess with a Malfoy, ” Draco said panting, “ Jade are you alright? ” He asked helping her up.
Gollum flies sideways, Draco appears out of nowhere and suddenly everyone's on dry land again. What the everloving fuck just happened? We get several weighty paragraphs of tab A being inserted into slot B, but barely enough description of the climactic battle to even tell what's going on? Draco and Gollum fight each other:
A shocked look fell on Ron’s face, bringing his hand up he felt for the knife and found it in his neck. The next second he fell backwards… Dead.
And there we have it.
" Come on we’ve got to go to Dumbledore, ” Draco told her.
And together they went back up to the castle. Inside they walked to the stone gargoyle, and gave the password. Watching the gargoyle jump aside, they mounted the stairs and climbed up, and stopped at the large wooden door. Jaiden raised a hand and knocked loudly…
“ Come in, ” Came Dumbledore’s voice from the other side of the door, permitting them to enter.
No, I don't know what Dumbledore is doing in a seventh-year fic written after the release of Half-Blood Prince either.
Months had gone by and things were still going great, they had returned to normal, well as normal as you could get at Hogwarts anyway. In a few weeks they would be graduating from seven long years of magic.
Magic? What bloody magic? Jaiden-Sue, Harry and Hermione gather on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue to reflect on what's happened.
“ I can’t believe you went through all of that, ” Harry was saying.
“ Yeah I know, ” Jaiden agreed.
“ And Ron, how could he betray us like that? ” He asked.
“ I don’t know, ” Jaiden sighed.
“ So I guess you are on out side now huh? ” Harry asked turning to Draoc.
“ I guess so, ” Draco responded.
“ Well welcome to the group, ” Harry said holding out his hand.
“ Thanks, ” He said taking his hand and shook it.
“ Quite alright, now as soon as I get out of here we’ll figure out something, ”
Jaiden smiled things were finally going right.
And with Ron dead, Harry out of the Hospital Wing… Well almost out. Her and Draco were finally an official couple graduation coming up…
She thought things could get any better…
How very wrong she was…
That's a sequel hook, isn't it?
___Finis___
And there was much rejoicing. Now where did I put that beer?