Dark Secrets Chapters 8-9
How much worse can this fuck-awful fanfic get? We're about to find out.
After Ron had left, the water returned to normal, soaking her once again.
The question occurs: if he has enough magical power to freeze the water coming out of the showerhead, then why does he need to punch through the glass door to make his dramatic entrance? And what kind of dramatic entrance is that anyway? "Say your prayers, bitch! *smash* Owowowfuckingow!"
“ What’s going on? ” Draco asked as he stepped into the room, his eyes roamed the damage, then landed on Jaiden who was covered in blood and was still bleeding profusely as well, “ Jaiden what happened to you, your bleeding? ”
“ N-nothing, I’m fine, ” She stuttered slightly.
You're lying on the floor injured amid a pile of broken glass. I somehow doubt Draco, even with the startling lack of intelligence common to every character in this fic, would be fobbed off so easily.
Draco sensibly decides to administer first aid.
Getting up he went in search of a first aid kit. He found on underneath the sink, walking back over to her he sat down on the floor, setting the first aid kit by him opened it and took her foot again. Unwrapping it he took some antiseptic to cleanse the wound.
The way these sentences are structured, with all the present participle abuse, makes it seem as though Draco is doing about fifty things at once. And quite possibly that he's Inspector Gadget.
Incidentally, wouldn't the healing potion from Chapter 6 be quite useful here? It's made quite clear that with a few exceptions (most notably eyesight - witches and wizards still wear glasses) healing magic is far more advanced and useful than Muggle medical technology. And of all the characters to know Muggle medicine, Draco Malfoy? Really? I could see Arthur Weasley trying to fix someone up with a Muggle first aid kit. I could even see someone raised in the Muggle world, like Harry or Hermione, defaulting to Muggle methods if they couldn't use magic for whatever reason. But Draco Malfoy, the blood purity obsessed snob who sees Muggles as little more than animals? Not so much.
“ Well when you lived with a father like mine, and with him being a Death Eater and all, you tend to learn to deal with the injuries that he gives you when he practices a curse or spell on you, ” He told her shrugging slightly.
[snip]
“ That was just an act all of it, I didn’t mean any of it, I…had to… do…things to please my father. It’s been so horrible living with him for all of these years, ” Draco explained.
I hated the abusive!Lucius cliché even before I read Deathly Hallows, in which Lucius is shown to care enough about his family that he's prepared to risk the wrath of Voldemort for their sake. As with every tiresome cliché of Dracofic, I blame Cassandra Claire. Draco and Narcissa aren't woobified weaklings at the mercy of big evil Lucius - I'm not a Malfoy fan by any stretch of the imagination, but I give them more credit than that.
She watched him slowly reach forward and grab the edge of the towel hesitating slightly he pulled the towel to expose her scared side.
That's the only side she's got. Canon!Draco at his most cowardly has more courage in his little toe than Jaiden-Sue could ever hope to muster.
“ Shh it’s ok, I won’t let him hurt you again, but the only way I can do that is for you to tell me who he is, ” Draco told her softly.
“ I can’t tell you please don’t ask again, ” She choked out.
The writer appears to have forgotten that Jaiden-Sue has already told woobie!Draco that it's idiot!Ron who's responsible for all the angst in the story. That, or woobie!Draco was so traumatised from being used for target practice by abusive!Lucius that he developed anterograde amnesia.
A week went by since Ron destroyed the bathroom.
There's a point. They're in a school. Yet somehow nobody in a position of authority has discovered that the bathroom has been trashed?
“ If you are so worked up about him then why don’t you go find him, ” She snapped back and walked out the Great Hall.
“ Whoa what’s gotten into her? ” Harry asked as he stared at her retreating back.
Hermione just shrugged.
Outside the Great Hall she leaned against the wall and drew a few deep breaths, calming herself down. Every time Ron’s name was mentioned, she remembered all that he’s done to her, how violent he’s become, and wondering what he’ll do to her next.
The POV in this fic is all over the place. If she's going for third-person limited, she's failing epically because other characters keep grabbing the mike* from Jaiden-Sue. If she's going for third-person omniscient, she's failing epically because not only is there no clear divide between different characters' POVs, so much of it is from Jaiden-Sue's POV that it might as well be written in third-person limited anyway.
(* Thanks to the excellent How Not To Write A Novel for the perfect analogy.)
“ Finally lunch I’m starved, ” Harry said exasperatedly.
“ Now you sounding like Ron, ” Hermione told him snickering.
See, it's funny because they think Ron is still the food-obsessed class clown! Little do they know!
Abrupt scene transition!
As soon as the bell rang she quickly packed her stuff up, then split up with the others and went to Care of Magical Creatures.
In which a reasonably in-character Hagrid has them raising fire-breathing lizards. Presumably a different kind of fire-breathing lizard from the kind I want to swoop down and eat everyone in this fic with the exception of Snape and Hagrid who haven't strayed too far out of character.
Abrupt scene transition the second!
The next thing she knew the bell rang making her jump. Sighing she stood and went the Head’s Common Room.
Now these can work sometimes. When they don't, as in this case, they leave the reader feeling like this.
Jaiden opened her mouth to argue, but was silenced by his lips on hers. This kiss… was different from all the others that she had experienced. It was slow, passionate, and intoxicating. Pulling away both was left breathless. Smiling she touched his lips again, Draco slowly lowered them onto the couch, their lips still connected.
Jaiden’s body was going wild with emotions; to her it felt absolutely amazing, it felt right. Draco too was having similar thoughts and feelings. His hands were inching closer to the top button of her oversized shirt, a few seconds later, his fingers found the button and undone it and so on. Draco gently opened her shirt and placed soft kisses all along her chest.
All of a sudden her mind flashed with the memories from the Shrieking Shack, and the bathroom, both the rapes were still fresh in her mind. Sitting up she gently pushed him off of her.
Of all the times to rediscover the concept of continuity.
A few hours later, she rolled onto her back, a breeze of cold air brushed against her warm skin, making her shiver. Reaching to the side, she went to grab her blankets to cover up better… but she couldn’t find them, only sheets. Frantically she felt around for them, but stopped when she felt a pressure on top of her pressing her into the bed. Snapping her eyes open she came face to face with her worst nightmare…
This is presented as a cliffhanger, but it's so staringly obvious what or rather who said nightmare is that...
“ My preciousss, ” He told her in a sickening whisper.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This, ladies and gentlemen, is priceless. This is the line that elevates Dark Secrets above the throng to stand alongside the true greats of bad Potterfic. It's up there with "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS! It was..................... Dumbledore!" Why? Because it means that someone, somewhere, thought that a terrifying scene in which the damsel in distress got menaced by her psychotic ex could be enhanced by... A LORD OF THE RINGS REFERENCE!
There really are no words.
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of duck tape, and with one hand Ron tore a piece off with his teeth, and put it in place of his hand on her mouth.
He lost the ability to cast the Silencing Charm when he morphed into Gollum.
“ So this will be the hard way huh, ” Ron said catching her wrists and flipped her on her stomach, reaching for the Duck Tape beside him, he tapped her wrists together, behind her back.
And Incarcerous. Where did he buy duct tape from, anyway? Canon!Ron is clueless about the Muggle world and probably wouldn't have heard of the stuff, let alone know where to get it or for that matter how to use Muggle money to do so, and this version is far, far stupider.
“ Ah! You bastard you horrible F-cking bastard, ” She told him viscously.
It's fine to have graphic rape, violence and molestation, but heaven forfend our poor innocent eyes should be exposed to the word "fuck"!
Also, she told him viscously? Well, I guess she was in a sticky situation. *rimshot*
The next thing she knew, the door was blasted open, and Draco entered the room. With a loud crack the weight that was holding her down from Ron’s body was lifted as he disapperated.
So Gollum!Ron doesn't know how to cast simple spells, but he does know how to "disapperate" within Hogwarts, something that JKR never tires of telling us is impossible? When canon!Ron sucks at Apparating and Gollum!Ron is far less competent?
Suddenly, McGonagall summons them to her office.
“ Ah, good your both here, ” McGonagall said, “ I have some unfortunate news to tell the both of you since you are the Heads of the School, ”
“ What’s that Professor? ” They asked together.
“ I’m afraid a student was found brutally beaten a few hours ago, ” She told them sullenly.
“ On my god, are they ok? Who is it? ”
“ He’s in critical but stable condition, is in a coma with a ventilator breathing for him, and a concussion, Madam Pomfrey is with him right now, ” She explained to them.
Why? Why? Why? Would it have killed her to have the victim, say, petrified a la Chamber of Secrets? Not beaten up (easily healed by magic) with Madam Pomfrey using Muggle medicine on him?
This is supposed to be a fucking Harry Potter fic! It reads like Jaiden Lee Malfoy just wrote an original story, changed a few names around and made a few cursory attempts to fit it into the Potterverse without actually giving any thought to the nature of the setting. Glass punching, duct tape and now this. She's really taught canon a lesson.
“ I wish I did, but we don’t, ” She answered with a sigh, “ And since Harry is in a coma and we have no idea when he’ll regain consciousness, ”
“ This is horrible, ” Jaiden, cried out, “ I hope he’ll be alright, ”
“ We hope so too, for his sake and the sake of the wizarding world, ” McGonagall said quietly.
McGonagall needn't worry. This fic has a Mary Sue in it, so Harry is irrelevant to the fate of the wizarding world.
Jaiden couldn’t bear it any longer. Her knees buckled, Draco caught her before she hit the ground. His eyes gazed at the broken boy on the bed. Harry’s entire face was bruised and swollen. His left arm was in a cast and so was his right leg, a magical ventilator kept him breathing.
Oh, it's a magical ventilator! That makes it so much better! Jaiden Lee Malfoy, if you're reading this, go read Chapter 22 of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and tell me how many fucking magical ventilators you can see at St Mungo's Hospital!
Dear Draco,
I am sorry to you all, for I cannot go on living like this. My life has become far to complicated to exist on this earth any longer.. I thought I had a friend that I could trust, but he betrayed me, abused me, and I cannot and will not forgive him for what he’s don’t to me and to others. This is my final good-bye. Once again I am truly sorry and please remember I love you all so very much, please do you forget me, and let my memory live on forever more…
All my Love… Jaiden Spencer
Jaiden-Sue is Too Good For This Sinful Earth™ but it's too much to hope for that she actually succeeds. We've still got four chapters to go.
And they start here. Believe it or not, it actually gets worse from here.
After Ron had left, the water returned to normal, soaking her once again.
The question occurs: if he has enough magical power to freeze the water coming out of the showerhead, then why does he need to punch through the glass door to make his dramatic entrance? And what kind of dramatic entrance is that anyway? "Say your prayers, bitch! *smash* Owowowfuckingow!"
“ What’s going on? ” Draco asked as he stepped into the room, his eyes roamed the damage, then landed on Jaiden who was covered in blood and was still bleeding profusely as well, “ Jaiden what happened to you, your bleeding? ”
“ N-nothing, I’m fine, ” She stuttered slightly.
You're lying on the floor injured amid a pile of broken glass. I somehow doubt Draco, even with the startling lack of intelligence common to every character in this fic, would be fobbed off so easily.
Draco sensibly decides to administer first aid.
Getting up he went in search of a first aid kit. He found on underneath the sink, walking back over to her he sat down on the floor, setting the first aid kit by him opened it and took her foot again. Unwrapping it he took some antiseptic to cleanse the wound.
The way these sentences are structured, with all the present participle abuse, makes it seem as though Draco is doing about fifty things at once. And quite possibly that he's Inspector Gadget.
Incidentally, wouldn't the healing potion from Chapter 6 be quite useful here? It's made quite clear that with a few exceptions (most notably eyesight - witches and wizards still wear glasses) healing magic is far more advanced and useful than Muggle medical technology. And of all the characters to know Muggle medicine, Draco Malfoy? Really? I could see Arthur Weasley trying to fix someone up with a Muggle first aid kit. I could even see someone raised in the Muggle world, like Harry or Hermione, defaulting to Muggle methods if they couldn't use magic for whatever reason. But Draco Malfoy, the blood purity obsessed snob who sees Muggles as little more than animals? Not so much.
“ Well when you lived with a father like mine, and with him being a Death Eater and all, you tend to learn to deal with the injuries that he gives you when he practices a curse or spell on you, ” He told her shrugging slightly.
[snip]
“ That was just an act all of it, I didn’t mean any of it, I…had to… do…things to please my father. It’s been so horrible living with him for all of these years, ” Draco explained.
I hated the abusive!Lucius cliché even before I read Deathly Hallows, in which Lucius is shown to care enough about his family that he's prepared to risk the wrath of Voldemort for their sake. As with every tiresome cliché of Dracofic, I blame Cassandra Claire. Draco and Narcissa aren't woobified weaklings at the mercy of big evil Lucius - I'm not a Malfoy fan by any stretch of the imagination, but I give them more credit than that.
She watched him slowly reach forward and grab the edge of the towel hesitating slightly he pulled the towel to expose her scared side.
That's the only side she's got. Canon!Draco at his most cowardly has more courage in his little toe than Jaiden-Sue could ever hope to muster.
“ Shh it’s ok, I won’t let him hurt you again, but the only way I can do that is for you to tell me who he is, ” Draco told her softly.
“ I can’t tell you please don’t ask again, ” She choked out.
The writer appears to have forgotten that Jaiden-Sue has already told woobie!Draco that it's idiot!Ron who's responsible for all the angst in the story. That, or woobie!Draco was so traumatised from being used for target practice by abusive!Lucius that he developed anterograde amnesia.
A week went by since Ron destroyed the bathroom.
There's a point. They're in a school. Yet somehow nobody in a position of authority has discovered that the bathroom has been trashed?
“ If you are so worked up about him then why don’t you go find him, ” She snapped back and walked out the Great Hall.
“ Whoa what’s gotten into her? ” Harry asked as he stared at her retreating back.
Hermione just shrugged.
Outside the Great Hall she leaned against the wall and drew a few deep breaths, calming herself down. Every time Ron’s name was mentioned, she remembered all that he’s done to her, how violent he’s become, and wondering what he’ll do to her next.
The POV in this fic is all over the place. If she's going for third-person limited, she's failing epically because other characters keep grabbing the mike* from Jaiden-Sue. If she's going for third-person omniscient, she's failing epically because not only is there no clear divide between different characters' POVs, so much of it is from Jaiden-Sue's POV that it might as well be written in third-person limited anyway.
(* Thanks to the excellent How Not To Write A Novel for the perfect analogy.)
“ Finally lunch I’m starved, ” Harry said exasperatedly.
“ Now you sounding like Ron, ” Hermione told him snickering.
See, it's funny because they think Ron is still the food-obsessed class clown! Little do they know!
Abrupt scene transition!
As soon as the bell rang she quickly packed her stuff up, then split up with the others and went to Care of Magical Creatures.
In which a reasonably in-character Hagrid has them raising fire-breathing lizards. Presumably a different kind of fire-breathing lizard from the kind I want to swoop down and eat everyone in this fic with the exception of Snape and Hagrid who haven't strayed too far out of character.
Abrupt scene transition the second!
The next thing she knew the bell rang making her jump. Sighing she stood and went the Head’s Common Room.
Now these can work sometimes. When they don't, as in this case, they leave the reader feeling like this.
Jaiden opened her mouth to argue, but was silenced by his lips on hers. This kiss… was different from all the others that she had experienced. It was slow, passionate, and intoxicating. Pulling away both was left breathless. Smiling she touched his lips again, Draco slowly lowered them onto the couch, their lips still connected.
Jaiden’s body was going wild with emotions; to her it felt absolutely amazing, it felt right. Draco too was having similar thoughts and feelings. His hands were inching closer to the top button of her oversized shirt, a few seconds later, his fingers found the button and undone it and so on. Draco gently opened her shirt and placed soft kisses all along her chest.
All of a sudden her mind flashed with the memories from the Shrieking Shack, and the bathroom, both the rapes were still fresh in her mind. Sitting up she gently pushed him off of her.
Of all the times to rediscover the concept of continuity.
A few hours later, she rolled onto her back, a breeze of cold air brushed against her warm skin, making her shiver. Reaching to the side, she went to grab her blankets to cover up better… but she couldn’t find them, only sheets. Frantically she felt around for them, but stopped when she felt a pressure on top of her pressing her into the bed. Snapping her eyes open she came face to face with her worst nightmare…
This is presented as a cliffhanger, but it's so staringly obvious what or rather who said nightmare is that...
“ My preciousss, ” He told her in a sickening whisper.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This, ladies and gentlemen, is priceless. This is the line that elevates Dark Secrets above the throng to stand alongside the true greats of bad Potterfic. It's up there with "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS! It was..................... Dumbledore!" Why? Because it means that someone, somewhere, thought that a terrifying scene in which the damsel in distress got menaced by her psychotic ex could be enhanced by... A LORD OF THE RINGS REFERENCE!
There really are no words.
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of duck tape, and with one hand Ron tore a piece off with his teeth, and put it in place of his hand on her mouth.
He lost the ability to cast the Silencing Charm when he morphed into Gollum.
“ So this will be the hard way huh, ” Ron said catching her wrists and flipped her on her stomach, reaching for the Duck Tape beside him, he tapped her wrists together, behind her back.
And Incarcerous. Where did he buy duct tape from, anyway? Canon!Ron is clueless about the Muggle world and probably wouldn't have heard of the stuff, let alone know where to get it or for that matter how to use Muggle money to do so, and this version is far, far stupider.
“ Ah! You bastard you horrible F-cking bastard, ” She told him viscously.
It's fine to have graphic rape, violence and molestation, but heaven forfend our poor innocent eyes should be exposed to the word "fuck"!
Also, she told him viscously? Well, I guess she was in a sticky situation. *rimshot*
The next thing she knew, the door was blasted open, and Draco entered the room. With a loud crack the weight that was holding her down from Ron’s body was lifted as he disapperated.
So Gollum!Ron doesn't know how to cast simple spells, but he does know how to "disapperate" within Hogwarts, something that JKR never tires of telling us is impossible? When canon!Ron sucks at Apparating and Gollum!Ron is far less competent?
Suddenly, McGonagall summons them to her office.
“ Ah, good your both here, ” McGonagall said, “ I have some unfortunate news to tell the both of you since you are the Heads of the School, ”
“ What’s that Professor? ” They asked together.
“ I’m afraid a student was found brutally beaten a few hours ago, ” She told them sullenly.
“ On my god, are they ok? Who is it? ”
“ He’s in critical but stable condition, is in a coma with a ventilator breathing for him, and a concussion, Madam Pomfrey is with him right now, ” She explained to them.
Why? Why? Why? Would it have killed her to have the victim, say, petrified a la Chamber of Secrets? Not beaten up (easily healed by magic) with Madam Pomfrey using Muggle medicine on him?
This is supposed to be a fucking Harry Potter fic! It reads like Jaiden Lee Malfoy just wrote an original story, changed a few names around and made a few cursory attempts to fit it into the Potterverse without actually giving any thought to the nature of the setting. Glass punching, duct tape and now this. She's really taught canon a lesson.
“ I wish I did, but we don’t, ” She answered with a sigh, “ And since Harry is in a coma and we have no idea when he’ll regain consciousness, ”
“ This is horrible, ” Jaiden, cried out, “ I hope he’ll be alright, ”
“ We hope so too, for his sake and the sake of the wizarding world, ” McGonagall said quietly.
McGonagall needn't worry. This fic has a Mary Sue in it, so Harry is irrelevant to the fate of the wizarding world.
Jaiden couldn’t bear it any longer. Her knees buckled, Draco caught her before she hit the ground. His eyes gazed at the broken boy on the bed. Harry’s entire face was bruised and swollen. His left arm was in a cast and so was his right leg, a magical ventilator kept him breathing.
Oh, it's a magical ventilator! That makes it so much better! Jaiden Lee Malfoy, if you're reading this, go read Chapter 22 of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and tell me how many fucking magical ventilators you can see at St Mungo's Hospital!
Dear Draco,
I am sorry to you all, for I cannot go on living like this. My life has become far to complicated to exist on this earth any longer.. I thought I had a friend that I could trust, but he betrayed me, abused me, and I cannot and will not forgive him for what he’s don’t to me and to others. This is my final good-bye. Once again I am truly sorry and please remember I love you all so very much, please do you forget me, and let my memory live on forever more…
All my Love… Jaiden Spencer
Jaiden-Sue is Too Good For This Sinful Earth™ but it's too much to hope for that she actually succeeds. We've still got four chapters to go.
And they start here. Believe it or not, it actually gets worse from here.