Comments | szaleniec1000: Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 4 part 3

szaleniec1000

Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 4 part 3

Feb 11, 2012 20:24

If it's possible to write a Diagon Alley visit without intentionally or otherwise ripping off the books, I haven't seen it yet.

( And certainly not here. )

balance of stupidity, epic fail, show don't tell, the pansexual '50s, onion slicing convention, pepperjack cheese, a description would be nice, conflict be damned, department of redundancy department, expospeak, i can has characterisation, anvil of foreshadowing, pov!fail, welsh railway, hogwarts school of oratory, the worst birthday, damning with faint praise, disembodied dialogue, harry potter, badfic:hogwarts too exposed, out of order, said bookism, literally stupid, continuity isn't optional

Comments 57

zelda_queen February 11 2012, 21:09:45 UTC

"I was literally petrified"

No, that happened in Chamber of Secrets.

You know, what with the "devoted" look Jamie game Hermione, Jamie's comment that she and Harry would have been good together in other circumstances, and the girl-on-girl fetish that Neil has, Jamie's request makes me think she's saying "Mum, can you demonstrate some sex techniques for me?"

"One look and she fell in love with the Enterprise 2005"

Christmas Neil, this is Harry Potter, not Star Trek!

danel4d February 11 2012, 23:47:38 UTC

Christmas Neil, this is Harry Potter, not Star Trek!

Heh. Especially with the lack of description, I'd imagining it as a broom-sized starship.

sickbritkid2 February 15 2012, 21:51:01 UTC

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qu0QO1za64E

You are now imagining a broom-sized starship sailing against the Narada set to this song...

danel4d February 11 2012, 23:52:54 UTC

To be fair, for all that it's highly mockable, erroneous use of 'literally' seems to be absurdly common, so reflecting it in the speech patterns of characters is understandable.

At least, characters who aren't Hermione, who'd be the character most likely to point out someone else using it wrong.

And there's the speculative fiction corollary of having to be careful with your metaphors - it's funny when someone says that something literally happened which is absurdly improbable - in the real world, "I was literally petrified" would be an example. But in the Potterverse, it's something that could actually happen - and, in fact, has to the very character speaking!

szaleniec1000 February 12 2012, 10:56:52 UTC

Hogwarts Exposed characters only have one speech pattern, which doesn't fit any of them (too eloquent for Crabbe and Goyle but too sloppy for Hermione, for example) and doesn't even look like it's supposed to represent a human being talking.

And there's the speculative fiction corollary of having to be careful with your metaphors

It's not the first time I've seen this. Deserving has the line "the contract went up in smoke", which in a mundane story would be understood as a slightly overwrought metaphor but in the context of the Potterverse it could have been a magical contract or someone could have just Incendio'd it.

danel4d February 12 2012, 00:03:24 UTC

AT first I thought 'paroxysm' was his new word-a-day calendar showing, but checking the meaning of the word, I wouldn't say he's actually using it quite correctly.

And I agree that the Q&A is weird - almost anything the girls say could essentially be replaced with "Do go on," or "Pray continue,". As it is, it really does seem weirdly rehearsed, with their lines being essentially perfect spurs to Hermione's monologue, rather than actual questions.

But I think you may have lost focus here... the thing I notice about line isn't the continuity fail:
If my parents were living, my Dad would perform a special ceremony before Alex and I joined.
but how horribly creepy is the idea of Daddy performing a 'special ceremony' to mark his daughter's defloration. It's almost like Purity Balls, only immeasurably more creepy, something that I previously wouldn't have believed possible.

Would he actually be in the same room, or just outside the door?

szaleniec1000 February 12 2012, 10:57:51 UTC

It is a pretty bad continuity error, but you're right. My brain must have shut down in self defence when I considered it.

sickbritkid2 February 13 2012, 02:44:03 UTC

I don't blame ya, man.

"Special ceremonies" in the context of this fanfiction, especially considering how Jamie's father basically said "I like that guy. You should shag him!", take on incredible amounts of creepiness when you keep in mind that the author's an unrepentant pedophile.

As I've said before: Jamie being molested by her father is now my personal canon for this series, considering just how gorram CREEPY that sentence was.

duster February 12 2012, 17:26:41 UTC

Oh God I thought it was like a way more creepy purity ball too!

Thread 6

fly_buggy_fly February 12 2012, 02:57:09 UTC

“Wow! That sounds like a cool experience,” Jamie said, enviously.

Why would she think that? I don't think there's very much cool about going in to a "grubby" pub filled with unfriendly people at age eleven.

ALSO.

“I don’t want our first time to be a calamity on a cold stone floor. I want it to be something special that we will always remember.”

[A] Why would you assume it would be???
[B] First times rarely are.
[C]...Ew.

szaleniec1000 February 12 2012, 11:07:16 UTC

It's not only their first time with each other, but the first time either of them has been with anyone. This is supposed to be the height of romance, but the story was published and set in 2004 when I think most people knew better.

sickbritkid2 February 12 2012, 09:14:31 UTC

I was literally petrified, so were my parents.

Subtle foreshadowing of Salazar Slytherin's return, or another moronic misuse of the word "literally" by the incompetent tosser we've all come to know and love...