Hogwarts Overexposed: Chapter Nine
To help me not go COMPLETELY bonkers over this fic, whenever they talk about Salazar Slytherin, this is what I'm going to think of:
Aladdin was the first movie I ever saw in a theater, so I have a special relationship with it. :)
Chapter Nine
Death Times Two
The voice didn't seem to come from any particular direction, but instead had the sensation that it was emanating from everywhere in the dungeon at once. Salazar Slytherin's best-kept secret was that he was an excellent ventriloquist. Then, as everyone watched tensely, the thick steam that filled the room slowly drew together and began to take form; a human form, but not really human, more ghost-like.
"I asked, who dared to wake me?" bellowed the ghostly representation of Salazar Slytherin. "I was having the most bitching dream about '2001: A Space Odyssey,' and you INTERRUPTED it!"
"I did, Greatest of the Hogwarts Four," Emma Wrong answered anxiously.
"And who are you, woman, to wake me, the supreme wizard of all time, from death?" Slytherin roared.
"I am Emma Wrong, Minister of Magic," she answered, her voice quaking, "and future monarch of the magical world. My loyal followers refer to me as the Great One."
"THE GREAT ONE!" Slytherin screamed. "You have the audacity to refer to yourself as such?"
Heh. I'm glad SOMEONE finally called her out on that shit. I mean, Voldemort was an egomaniac, and even he didn't refer to himself as "The Great One."
Slytherin glanced around the dungeon; first observing Wrong's cowering followers and then the variety of torture apparatus. His eyes finally came to rest on Jamie and her massive tits the young innocents chained to the wall.
"What year is it?" he questioned. "Has the world become so depraved that it is now common practice to torture naked, defenseless children?"
SNIP. Slytherin reads the prophecy. I hate the prophecy.
"Which is my heir!?" he shouted irritably, staring at Emma Wrong.
"The toddler," she responded, gesturing in Timmy's direction.
"How dare you treat my heir in such a debasing way!?" Slytherin hollered. "Release the child from those confinements at once."
"But he and the others must be killed by you in order for you to be returned to your body," Emma protested.
"I gave an order," Slytherin roared. "I expect my instructions to be carried out immediately. Release that child!"
SNIP. Slytherin kills Emma Wrong. The Sues are so compassionate that they feel sorry that she is dead. Ugh.
"She was not the personification of evil," Slytherin said with the hint of a laugh. "She was but a warped and frustrated old hag." He looked knowingly at Damien. "You, my servant, are the embodiment of pure evil. When you and I are joined, no one will be able to conquer us."
Damien stared uneasily at the ghostlike figure of Salazar Slytherin. What exactly did he mean by joined? I think he means sex, Damien. Lots and lots of buttsex. Were they to be some sort of partners in crime, or did he intend to live as a parasite off his body as Voldemort had done with Professor Quirrell?
"Excuse me, your ghostliness," Emily said. "You said my brother and Timmy would be set free. What about my sisters and I?"
Salazar did not answer, nor did he seem angry at being referred to as his ghostliness. Instead he walked, more floated, over to Emily and placed his hand on her forehead. Emily experienced a pain similar to the brain freeze one gets when eating ice cream too fast.
"You are the Queen of Sues Seer," he said in what gave the impression of being a sad tone. "You and your sisters must die a most painful death. You're also in Slytherin house."
Emily nodded her head.
Then he approached Caitlin and likewise placed his ghostlike hand on her head. "The Healer," he said. "Not just a healer, but an extremely powerful one, and with telepathic powers that the typist pulled out of his ass no less." He placed his hand on his chin and shook his head sadly before moving on to Jamie.
When he reached her, he paused slightly to glance at Timmy and Ben, and then found himself staring thoughtfully at Jamie. "Forgive me," he said placing his hand on her forehead. "It has been an extremely long time since I have seen a nude female and you are an extraordinarily beautiful young woman."
Jamie is just SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL THAT EVEN THE GHOST OF SALAZAR SLYTHERIN OGLES HER. I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID SUES, NEIL.
"You're the Spirit Bright," he said disappointedly, removing his hand from Jamie's head and walking away from the girls.
"You are all nauseatingly perfect Sues strong, brilliant, talented witches," Slytherin declared. "I would prefer to allow you to continue to live and serve me, but unfortunately you are all mentioned as members of the conspiracy that could ultimately cause my defeat.
"Therefore, I regret that you must die, but your deaths will not come at my hands," he said looking at Madame Hooch. "Will you please clean up here?"
Hooch's eyes lit up as if Christmas had come early. "It will be my pleasure, Great Master."
"Now it is time we were joined," Slytherin's sprit said as he considered an extremely tense Damien. "I hope you brought condoms and a LOT of lube. I would much prefer my own body, but it is critical that the Prophecy be followed unerringly."
Sadly, they are not joined by means of mansex. Instead, Damien inhales Slytherin's spirit. Yeah, he just snorts him up. It is just as ridiculous as it sounds.
I really have a problem with him using Salazar Slytherin as the "big bad." Clearly, Slytherin had some issues (that whole Chamber of Secrets thing), but I don't think he was a villain like Voldemort.
* * * * * *
Without warning, Hermione came to an abrupt stop and just hung motionless in the air and was pecked to death by owls.
"What is it?" Harry asked, as he and the others turned back to join her.
At first Hermione just held her hand up, her eyes closed in concentration. Then finally she opened her eyes and spoke. "I've made contact with Caitlin, but our link is very weak. They must still be a good distance away."
Caitlin thinks they are in a manor, so they look for one. Draco somehow knows where every manor in the area is.
* * * * * *
Caitlin and Emily watched nervously as Hooch hustled about the dungeon making preparations. Neither of the girls had ever seen the witch look so happy, yet so frightening at the same time.
Jamie had just finished nursing Ben and was now giving nourishment to Timmy ARRRRRRGH, their captors having not fed any of them since breakfast. Because of Timmy, Jamie didn't speak, but both Emily and Caitlin could read the expression on her face.
"Jamie doesn't think they'll get here in time," Emily said despondently. "Neither do I."
"We can't give up hope," Caitlin said encouragingly. But the words were barely out of her mouth when Hooch approached her.
"The Great Lord Slytherin told me to be swift, but it is difficult to hurriedly extricate revenge that I have waited so long to realize. My only regret is that I won't be present to actually witness the demise of two of you.
"My lovely Caitlin," Hooch said nastily. "I imagine you expect me to torture you unmercifully. Admittedly, it would give me great pleasure to turn you into a human shish kebab, but it will give me even more pleasure to know that you have died at the hands of your rescuers."
"Do you see that crossbow?" Hooch asked sadistically. "It is aimed directly for your heart and the arrow it holds has been soaked in a deadly poison. Can you imagine Hermione's grief when the opening of the dungeon door sets it off? I can only hope that she will be the one to actually open the door."
"But that is only the beginning," Hooch cackled. "In your hand you will be holding the rope that will suspend Jamie Zacherley above the Pyramid of Death. When the arrow pierces your heart, your hand will go limp and Miss Zacherley will become four nicely separated pieces."
Ugh. I just know that Neil is one of those guys who goes to torture museums and touches himself through his pocket.
Blah blah blah, Hooch is going to torture Emily in front of the rest of them. I'm sure it's supposed to be scary, but we know that everything will turn out fine.
* * * * * *
Hermione gets Caitlin's "signal" over a particular manor! But they can't be there, it belongs to the Minister of Magic! She could NEVER be evil!
* * * * * *
"Stop, don't you touch her!" Jamie screamed.
But when Hooch turned to sneer at Jamie, instead of a naked girl, she found herself facing a beautiful pure white unicorn. Caitlin had witnessed the almost instant transformation. Jamie was not only now in her Animagus form, but she was also free, the aged leather on her ankle bindings having burst due to pressure of the transformation.
OK, and why couldn't Jamie have done that BEFORE Slytherin was resurrected?
Hooch dropped the breast ripper and reached for her wand as the unicorn, Jamie, lowered its head to charge.
"Avada Keda-" Hooch screamed. But before she could complete the curse, the unicorn's horn had entered her chest and was protruding out of her back.
Ha, ok, I have to admit that was kind of awesome. Except that I know that Jamie is just so pure and good that she will angst about having to kill someone.
* * * * * *
The rescuers arrive in the dungeon! Hermione's convenient telepathy warns her just as Ron (the filthy Weasley) is about to open the door. Why is it always Ron's fault? Hermione Apparates into the dungeon, and turns the arrow into a feather. Hooray.
* * * * * *
Mushy scene with Harry and Hermione. Hermione remembered everything during her captivity, and feels the need to APOLOGIZE for being essentially forced to blow Damien. That is all kinds of fucked up. Anyway, after remembering that trauma, she decides it would be a good idea to blow Harry.
NO NO NO NO NO. THAT IS NOT HOW THAT WORKS.
I don't want to say anymore for fear of bringing my personal issues into the sporking and making things even more unfunny than they already are, but suffice it to say: HELL NO, NEIL.
* * * * * *
"Adorable" scene with Caitlin and Emily. We discover that Emily didn't have Madam Pomfrey shrink her boobs all the way. Caitlin admires them. I'm pretty sure the whole "girl admires other girl's boobs" thing only happens in porn. I lived in a dorm. I have four sisters. I've seen lots of naked chicks. Never once did I feel the need to admire their boobs. Maybe I'm just weird, though.
Emily wants to go tell Harry and Hermione about her new boobs, so they decide to burst into Harry and Hermione's room. You would think that they would have learned not to do that by now.
* * * * * *
"I suppose now wouldn't be a good time to ask questions about sex?" Emily tentatively inquired.
"It's a fine time," Hermione answered with a snort. "I was embarrassed, Harry was embarrassed, but we aren't angry. Really? I think I'd be pretty ticked off. But then again, if Harry and Hermione are too stupid to put a lock on their door, I'm wondering if maybe they actually LIKE it when people 'accidentally' walk in on them. We're so pleased to have you girls back that I don't think you could possibly make either of us angry today. What is the question?"
"That stuff that came out of Dad's penis. Is that what makes a person pregnant?" Emily asked.
"Yes, it contains the sperm that can make you pregnant," Hermione confirmed.
"What if you got it in your mouth and swallowed it?" Caitlin asked. "Would that make you pregnant?"
"No," Hermione said with a chuckle. "It must enter the vagina in order for you to get pregnant."
"Why are you laughing?" Emily scolded. Scolded? Geez, what a little bitch.
"I'm not laughing at you guys," Hermione apologized. "I'm picturing Ron trying to answer similar question in class. His face will be redder than his hair."
Oh great. Ron is once again the butt of jokes because he has difficulty talking about sex.
"I like Professor Weasley," Caitlin said, "but he does get flustered easily which is clearly a character flaw."
SNIP. Emily shows Hermione her new boobs. Hermione is not at all upset, and asks Caitlin if she wishes her boobs were as nice as Emily's. Caitlin assures her that Matt likes them the way they are, and Hermione says nothing about that. THEY ARE TWELVE.
* * * * * *
Sunday, September 4, 2005
"Harry, it's so good to look out over the Great Hall and see that canon has been restored the girls smiling back," Hermione said contentedly, as she ate breakfast while holding a napping Ben.
Harry smiled. "Have you put Ben down once since yesterday?"
"Only to pee and take a shower. I'm so glad it's Sunday and I don't have to leave him in order to teach class."
"You could always take him with you tomorrow while you teach. He's usually content and well behaved."
Oh great. Even the BABY is a fucking Stu.
"Oh yes! And when he gets hungry, I'll just whip out my boob in front of the students and feed him," Hermione said. Because it is IMPOSSIBLE to breastfeed without flashing anyone? I beg to differ. "That would go over great with the parents and Board of Directors."
"I know you can't do it, but that's really sad," Harry said dismally. "What is more pure and natural than a mother feeding her child?" Nothing at all, unless it's FETISH FUEL for the sick author.
"You, Mister Potter, have been living with naturists too long; you're starting to sound like one."
Um, I am not a naturist, and don't think there's anything sexual about breastfeeding. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most "lactivists" aren't nudists, either.
SNIP. Harry asks Hermione how Jamie is doing. When he finds out that she spent the night with Alex in the Room of Requirement, he grins and assumes that all has been cured by the mighty healing power of the penis. Hermione actually tells him off for that, and they talk about how Jamie is so pure and good that she is angsting about killing Hooch.
I know that Jamie's reaction is realistic, but in the context of this story, it just annoys the hell out of me.
As Hermione and Harry talked, the owls arrived with the daily mail. As Hermione slipped a coin in the owl's bag, Harry grabbed the newspaper and began to read the headline.
SELF-PROFESSED GREAT ONE KILLED.
HEROIC MINISTER OF MAGIC OF MAGIC DIES
DURING RESCUE OF INNOCENT CHILDREN
Another stupid news article, which casts Hooch as the "Great One" and Emma Wrong as heroic. Harry and Hermione are disgusted. I don't really see why they're so horrified. Honestly Neil, haven't you ever seen "The Dark Knight"?
Oh, we also learn there is a "Vice-Minister." Neil, your American is showing.
* * * * * *
Percy is the new Minister! Neil has also exaggerated his character beyond recognition and turned him into Fudge. It makes me mad, because Percy was never BAD, he was just misguided and stubborn.
* * * * * *
When Emily entered the Great Hall for dinner, Kim at her side, she was surprised to find it decorated similar to how it had been at the Leaving Feast. The only difference was that instead of being decorated in just the winning House's colors, it was decorated with banners of both Gryffindor and Slytherin Houses.
Emily had barely taken her seat when Professor Snape stood up at the staff table.
"Although we just enjoyed the Welcoming Feast a few days ago," he said, looking around at them all, "I felt the occasion warranted another celebration." He paused briefly.
Oh, now the Sues are SO SPECIAL that they get a FUCKING FEAST?!
Blah blah blah. More of Not!Snape talking and badmouthing the ministry. Look, Dumbledore disagree with the Ministry frequently, but he did it subtly and with great style. Snape would have seen how the Ministry can make things horrible at Hogwarts if the Headmaster pisses them off too much, so I think he would want to be more careful about what he says.
"It is because of our need to unite and work together, that I have decided to forge ahead with our plans to compete against our American cousins." Snape paused to take a drink of pumpkin juice. "Teams from America competed against each other this summer to determine which school would represent the States against us. The winning team from The Salem Witches' Institute will be arriving on Halloween. That evening, we will select our team."
When the Salem Witches' Institute was mentioned in GoF, it seemed to me that it was something for fully grown witches, not a school.
Blah blah blah. The Goblet of Fire will be picking the contestants and first years won't be allowed to compete. Neil, your ripoffs SUCK.
"Now, let's be reasonable," Professor Snape said, shaking his head. "As first years, most of you haven't even learned to do a proper 'swish and flick' yet. However, if any of you get the notion to submit your name anyway, you should be warned. Before presenting me with the names of our team members, the Goblet will spit out any names of first years submitted. Um, I didn't think the Goblet differentiated by age. In GoF, it was the age line that prevented underage contestants from entering. Otherwise, Harry's name couldn't have come out no matter who put it in. I'm starting to wonder if Neil actually read the books, or just watched the movies. Mr. Filch will be standing by with a list of detention tasks to be assigned to those individuals. Now, I've rambled on way too long. Tuck in."
End of Chapter Nine
Chapter Eight: The Milk of Life ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter Ten: Twists and Turns
Aladdin was the first movie I ever saw in a theater, so I have a special relationship with it. :)
Chapter Nine
Death Times Two
The voice didn't seem to come from any particular direction, but instead had the sensation that it was emanating from everywhere in the dungeon at once. Salazar Slytherin's best-kept secret was that he was an excellent ventriloquist. Then, as everyone watched tensely, the thick steam that filled the room slowly drew together and began to take form; a human form, but not really human, more ghost-like.
"I asked, who dared to wake me?" bellowed the ghostly representation of Salazar Slytherin. "I was having the most bitching dream about '2001: A Space Odyssey,' and you INTERRUPTED it!"
"I did, Greatest of the Hogwarts Four," Emma Wrong answered anxiously.
"And who are you, woman, to wake me, the supreme wizard of all time, from death?" Slytherin roared.
"I am Emma Wrong, Minister of Magic," she answered, her voice quaking, "and future monarch of the magical world. My loyal followers refer to me as the Great One."
"THE GREAT ONE!" Slytherin screamed. "You have the audacity to refer to yourself as such?"
Heh. I'm glad SOMEONE finally called her out on that shit. I mean, Voldemort was an egomaniac, and even he didn't refer to himself as "The Great One."
Slytherin glanced around the dungeon; first observing Wrong's cowering followers and then the variety of torture apparatus. His eyes finally came to rest on Jamie and her massive tits the young innocents chained to the wall.
"What year is it?" he questioned. "Has the world become so depraved that it is now common practice to torture naked, defenseless children?"
SNIP. Slytherin reads the prophecy. I hate the prophecy.
"Which is my heir!?" he shouted irritably, staring at Emma Wrong.
"The toddler," she responded, gesturing in Timmy's direction.
"How dare you treat my heir in such a debasing way!?" Slytherin hollered. "Release the child from those confinements at once."
"But he and the others must be killed by you in order for you to be returned to your body," Emma protested.
"I gave an order," Slytherin roared. "I expect my instructions to be carried out immediately. Release that child!"
SNIP. Slytherin kills Emma Wrong. The Sues are so compassionate that they feel sorry that she is dead. Ugh.
"She was not the personification of evil," Slytherin said with the hint of a laugh. "She was but a warped and frustrated old hag." He looked knowingly at Damien. "You, my servant, are the embodiment of pure evil. When you and I are joined, no one will be able to conquer us."
Damien stared uneasily at the ghostlike figure of Salazar Slytherin. What exactly did he mean by joined? I think he means sex, Damien. Lots and lots of buttsex. Were they to be some sort of partners in crime, or did he intend to live as a parasite off his body as Voldemort had done with Professor Quirrell?
"Excuse me, your ghostliness," Emily said. "You said my brother and Timmy would be set free. What about my sisters and I?"
Salazar did not answer, nor did he seem angry at being referred to as his ghostliness. Instead he walked, more floated, over to Emily and placed his hand on her forehead. Emily experienced a pain similar to the brain freeze one gets when eating ice cream too fast.
"You are the Queen of Sues Seer," he said in what gave the impression of being a sad tone. "You and your sisters must die a most painful death. You're also in Slytherin house."
Emily nodded her head.
Then he approached Caitlin and likewise placed his ghostlike hand on her head. "The Healer," he said. "Not just a healer, but an extremely powerful one, and with telepathic powers that the typist pulled out of his ass no less." He placed his hand on his chin and shook his head sadly before moving on to Jamie.
When he reached her, he paused slightly to glance at Timmy and Ben, and then found himself staring thoughtfully at Jamie. "Forgive me," he said placing his hand on her forehead. "It has been an extremely long time since I have seen a nude female and you are an extraordinarily beautiful young woman."
Jamie is just SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL THAT EVEN THE GHOST OF SALAZAR SLYTHERIN OGLES HER. I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID SUES, NEIL.
"You're the Spirit Bright," he said disappointedly, removing his hand from Jamie's head and walking away from the girls.
"You are all nauseatingly perfect Sues strong, brilliant, talented witches," Slytherin declared. "I would prefer to allow you to continue to live and serve me, but unfortunately you are all mentioned as members of the conspiracy that could ultimately cause my defeat.
"Therefore, I regret that you must die, but your deaths will not come at my hands," he said looking at Madame Hooch. "Will you please clean up here?"
Hooch's eyes lit up as if Christmas had come early. "It will be my pleasure, Great Master."
"Now it is time we were joined," Slytherin's sprit said as he considered an extremely tense Damien. "I hope you brought condoms and a LOT of lube. I would much prefer my own body, but it is critical that the Prophecy be followed unerringly."
Sadly, they are not joined by means of mansex. Instead, Damien inhales Slytherin's spirit. Yeah, he just snorts him up. It is just as ridiculous as it sounds.
I really have a problem with him using Salazar Slytherin as the "big bad." Clearly, Slytherin had some issues (that whole Chamber of Secrets thing), but I don't think he was a villain like Voldemort.
* * * * * *
Without warning, Hermione came to an abrupt stop and just hung motionless in the air and was pecked to death by owls.
"What is it?" Harry asked, as he and the others turned back to join her.
At first Hermione just held her hand up, her eyes closed in concentration. Then finally she opened her eyes and spoke. "I've made contact with Caitlin, but our link is very weak. They must still be a good distance away."
Caitlin thinks they are in a manor, so they look for one. Draco somehow knows where every manor in the area is.
* * * * * *
Caitlin and Emily watched nervously as Hooch hustled about the dungeon making preparations. Neither of the girls had ever seen the witch look so happy, yet so frightening at the same time.
Jamie had just finished nursing Ben and was now giving nourishment to Timmy ARRRRRRGH, their captors having not fed any of them since breakfast. Because of Timmy, Jamie didn't speak, but both Emily and Caitlin could read the expression on her face.
"Jamie doesn't think they'll get here in time," Emily said despondently. "Neither do I."
"We can't give up hope," Caitlin said encouragingly. But the words were barely out of her mouth when Hooch approached her.
"The Great Lord Slytherin told me to be swift, but it is difficult to hurriedly extricate revenge that I have waited so long to realize. My only regret is that I won't be present to actually witness the demise of two of you.
"My lovely Caitlin," Hooch said nastily. "I imagine you expect me to torture you unmercifully. Admittedly, it would give me great pleasure to turn you into a human shish kebab, but it will give me even more pleasure to know that you have died at the hands of your rescuers."
"Do you see that crossbow?" Hooch asked sadistically. "It is aimed directly for your heart and the arrow it holds has been soaked in a deadly poison. Can you imagine Hermione's grief when the opening of the dungeon door sets it off? I can only hope that she will be the one to actually open the door."
"But that is only the beginning," Hooch cackled. "In your hand you will be holding the rope that will suspend Jamie Zacherley above the Pyramid of Death. When the arrow pierces your heart, your hand will go limp and Miss Zacherley will become four nicely separated pieces."
Ugh. I just know that Neil is one of those guys who goes to torture museums and touches himself through his pocket.
Blah blah blah, Hooch is going to torture Emily in front of the rest of them. I'm sure it's supposed to be scary, but we know that everything will turn out fine.
* * * * * *
Hermione gets Caitlin's "signal" over a particular manor! But they can't be there, it belongs to the Minister of Magic! She could NEVER be evil!
* * * * * *
"Stop, don't you touch her!" Jamie screamed.
But when Hooch turned to sneer at Jamie, instead of a naked girl, she found herself facing a beautiful pure white unicorn. Caitlin had witnessed the almost instant transformation. Jamie was not only now in her Animagus form, but she was also free, the aged leather on her ankle bindings having burst due to pressure of the transformation.
OK, and why couldn't Jamie have done that BEFORE Slytherin was resurrected?
Hooch dropped the breast ripper and reached for her wand as the unicorn, Jamie, lowered its head to charge.
"Avada Keda-" Hooch screamed. But before she could complete the curse, the unicorn's horn had entered her chest and was protruding out of her back.
Ha, ok, I have to admit that was kind of awesome. Except that I know that Jamie is just so pure and good that she will angst about having to kill someone.
* * * * * *
The rescuers arrive in the dungeon! Hermione's convenient telepathy warns her just as Ron (the filthy Weasley) is about to open the door. Why is it always Ron's fault? Hermione Apparates into the dungeon, and turns the arrow into a feather. Hooray.
* * * * * *
Mushy scene with Harry and Hermione. Hermione remembered everything during her captivity, and feels the need to APOLOGIZE for being essentially forced to blow Damien. That is all kinds of fucked up. Anyway, after remembering that trauma, she decides it would be a good idea to blow Harry.
NO NO NO NO NO. THAT IS NOT HOW THAT WORKS.
I don't want to say anymore for fear of bringing my personal issues into the sporking and making things even more unfunny than they already are, but suffice it to say: HELL NO, NEIL.
* * * * * *
"Adorable" scene with Caitlin and Emily. We discover that Emily didn't have Madam Pomfrey shrink her boobs all the way. Caitlin admires them. I'm pretty sure the whole "girl admires other girl's boobs" thing only happens in porn. I lived in a dorm. I have four sisters. I've seen lots of naked chicks. Never once did I feel the need to admire their boobs. Maybe I'm just weird, though.
Emily wants to go tell Harry and Hermione about her new boobs, so they decide to burst into Harry and Hermione's room. You would think that they would have learned not to do that by now.
* * * * * *
"I suppose now wouldn't be a good time to ask questions about sex?" Emily tentatively inquired.
"It's a fine time," Hermione answered with a snort. "I was embarrassed, Harry was embarrassed, but we aren't angry. Really? I think I'd be pretty ticked off. But then again, if Harry and Hermione are too stupid to put a lock on their door, I'm wondering if maybe they actually LIKE it when people 'accidentally' walk in on them. We're so pleased to have you girls back that I don't think you could possibly make either of us angry today. What is the question?"
"That stuff that came out of Dad's penis. Is that what makes a person pregnant?" Emily asked.
"Yes, it contains the sperm that can make you pregnant," Hermione confirmed.
"What if you got it in your mouth and swallowed it?" Caitlin asked. "Would that make you pregnant?"
"No," Hermione said with a chuckle. "It must enter the vagina in order for you to get pregnant."
"Why are you laughing?" Emily scolded. Scolded? Geez, what a little bitch.
"I'm not laughing at you guys," Hermione apologized. "I'm picturing Ron trying to answer similar question in class. His face will be redder than his hair."
Oh great. Ron is once again the butt of jokes because he has difficulty talking about sex.
"I like Professor Weasley," Caitlin said, "but he does get flustered easily which is clearly a character flaw."
SNIP. Emily shows Hermione her new boobs. Hermione is not at all upset, and asks Caitlin if she wishes her boobs were as nice as Emily's. Caitlin assures her that Matt likes them the way they are, and Hermione says nothing about that. THEY ARE TWELVE.
* * * * * *
Sunday, September 4, 2005
"Harry, it's so good to look out over the Great Hall and see that canon has been restored the girls smiling back," Hermione said contentedly, as she ate breakfast while holding a napping Ben.
Harry smiled. "Have you put Ben down once since yesterday?"
"Only to pee and take a shower. I'm so glad it's Sunday and I don't have to leave him in order to teach class."
"You could always take him with you tomorrow while you teach. He's usually content and well behaved."
Oh great. Even the BABY is a fucking Stu.
"Oh yes! And when he gets hungry, I'll just whip out my boob in front of the students and feed him," Hermione said. Because it is IMPOSSIBLE to breastfeed without flashing anyone? I beg to differ. "That would go over great with the parents and Board of Directors."
"I know you can't do it, but that's really sad," Harry said dismally. "What is more pure and natural than a mother feeding her child?" Nothing at all, unless it's FETISH FUEL for the sick author.
"You, Mister Potter, have been living with naturists too long; you're starting to sound like one."
Um, I am not a naturist, and don't think there's anything sexual about breastfeeding. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most "lactivists" aren't nudists, either.
SNIP. Harry asks Hermione how Jamie is doing. When he finds out that she spent the night with Alex in the Room of Requirement, he grins and assumes that all has been cured by the mighty healing power of the penis. Hermione actually tells him off for that, and they talk about how Jamie is so pure and good that she is angsting about killing Hooch.
I know that Jamie's reaction is realistic, but in the context of this story, it just annoys the hell out of me.
As Hermione and Harry talked, the owls arrived with the daily mail. As Hermione slipped a coin in the owl's bag, Harry grabbed the newspaper and began to read the headline.
SELF-PROFESSED GREAT ONE KILLED.
HEROIC MINISTER OF MAGIC OF MAGIC DIES
DURING RESCUE OF INNOCENT CHILDREN
Another stupid news article, which casts Hooch as the "Great One" and Emma Wrong as heroic. Harry and Hermione are disgusted. I don't really see why they're so horrified. Honestly Neil, haven't you ever seen "The Dark Knight"?
Oh, we also learn there is a "Vice-Minister." Neil, your American is showing.
* * * * * *
Percy is the new Minister! Neil has also exaggerated his character beyond recognition and turned him into Fudge. It makes me mad, because Percy was never BAD, he was just misguided and stubborn.
* * * * * *
When Emily entered the Great Hall for dinner, Kim at her side, she was surprised to find it decorated similar to how it had been at the Leaving Feast. The only difference was that instead of being decorated in just the winning House's colors, it was decorated with banners of both Gryffindor and Slytherin Houses.
Emily had barely taken her seat when Professor Snape stood up at the staff table.
"Although we just enjoyed the Welcoming Feast a few days ago," he said, looking around at them all, "I felt the occasion warranted another celebration." He paused briefly.
Oh, now the Sues are SO SPECIAL that they get a FUCKING FEAST?!
Blah blah blah. More of Not!Snape talking and badmouthing the ministry. Look, Dumbledore disagree with the Ministry frequently, but he did it subtly and with great style. Snape would have seen how the Ministry can make things horrible at Hogwarts if the Headmaster pisses them off too much, so I think he would want to be more careful about what he says.
"It is because of our need to unite and work together, that I have decided to forge ahead with our plans to compete against our American cousins." Snape paused to take a drink of pumpkin juice. "Teams from America competed against each other this summer to determine which school would represent the States against us. The winning team from The Salem Witches' Institute will be arriving on Halloween. That evening, we will select our team."
When the Salem Witches' Institute was mentioned in GoF, it seemed to me that it was something for fully grown witches, not a school.
Blah blah blah. The Goblet of Fire will be picking the contestants and first years won't be allowed to compete. Neil, your ripoffs SUCK.
"Now, let's be reasonable," Professor Snape said, shaking his head. "As first years, most of you haven't even learned to do a proper 'swish and flick' yet. However, if any of you get the notion to submit your name anyway, you should be warned. Before presenting me with the names of our team members, the Goblet will spit out any names of first years submitted. Um, I didn't think the Goblet differentiated by age. In GoF, it was the age line that prevented underage contestants from entering. Otherwise, Harry's name couldn't have come out no matter who put it in. I'm starting to wonder if Neil actually read the books, or just watched the movies. Mr. Filch will be standing by with a list of detention tasks to be assigned to those individuals. Now, I've rambled on way too long. Tuck in."
End of Chapter Nine
Chapter Eight: The Milk of Life ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter Ten: Twists and Turns