Hogwarts Overexposed: Chapter Eleven
Chapter Eleven
Driving the Point Home
"Would you mind explaining to me why it appears like you were about to go down to the common room totally starkers?" Jamie asked. Maybe I'm being picky, but is it necessary to say "totally starkers"? Doesn't "starkers" imply total nudity?
"Because that's exactly what I intend to do," Caitlin declared. "That is, unless you have it in mind to stop me."
"Suppose we step into your dorm for a minute and you explain to me exactly what's going on," Jamie suggested. "Then I'll decide whether I'm going to stop you or not." Jamie is so fucking BOSSY
Caitlin turned back into the room as Jamie followed her. She tossed the towel she was carrying onto her bed and then sat down. Jamie sat down next to her and placed her hand on Caitlin's leg. Bad touch! BAD TOUCH! "What did Matt do?" Jamie asked as if reading Caitlin's mind.
"Do you remember the first day you and I spent together nude?" Caitlin asked.
"Like it was yesterday," Jamie answered with a smile. "It was the start of a beautiful friendship, filled with lots of molestation!"
"I asked you a question about not wearing knickers and you ended up telling me a story about Trelawney's class."
"Yeah, I remember," Jamie said, thinking back to the day.
SNIP. Neil just copy-pasted crap from the first Hogwarts Exposed.
"Jamie, was Alex upset because your blouse became transparent and everyone could see your breasts?" Caitlin asked.
"You have to remember, that was long before Alex and I became a couple." Jamie smiled. "I think he just sat back with everyone else and enjoyed the show I was giving."
All this talk about being naked because they are "more comfortable" is clearly crap. They are nudists because they love the male attention.
"Now that you're going together, does he ever give you a hard time about being a nudist or not wearing a bra and knickers?"
"No. I actually brought up the subject once," Jamie replied. "Obviously Alex doesn't go around lifting my skirt or encouraging me to give shows, but he has a sweet way of reacting if someone does get an accidental look." Accidental? Jamie, when you wear skirts THAT short with no underwear, flashing people is hardly "accidental."
"What does he do?"
"He smiles at me and says 'There's someone else who knows how very beautiful you are and how extremely lucky I am." Yeah, that just strikes me as creepy.
"He's not the only one that's lucky," Caitlin said. "You're lucky to have someone who loves you so much and is so understanding and accepting."
"Yes, I am," Jamie agreed, "but we're supposed to be talking about you and Matt, not Alex and I."
"Matt caught a similar view of me going up Trelawney's ladder today," Caitlin confessed. "Although he said he was enthralled by the view, he practically ordered me to start wearing trousers. He even went as far as to tell me to put on a bra." A BRA! How oppressive! Caitlin gave a depressed sigh. "I told him that I'd give him my answer tonight."
Blah blah blah. More talk of how Matt is SO controlling. Caitlin walks into the Common Room naked, and when Matt has a problem with it, she dumps him.
* * * * *
"Harry, do you think there is something wrong with us? Are we sex maniacs?" Hermione asked, as she and Harry relaxed after a very fulfilling cupcake session.
"What would make you ask such a question?" Harry replied.
"I've read in different books that many couples, after they been together for a while, only have sex once a week; some do it even less," Hermione informed him. "You and I seldom miss a night and more often than not do it multiple times."
"The difference could be that we don't have sex," Harry asserted. "We make love."
ARGH. Can we say, "wish fulfillment"? I hate the implication that Harry and Hermione have sex every night because their love is just so strong and pure! Couples who don't do it every night clearly don't love each other as much! DIAF, Neil.
He held Hermione in his arms, staring lovingly into her face. "I can't believe I was so blind for so many years. All that time we spent together; all those adventures we shared. How could I not see that I'd never be happy with anyone but you?"
More mushy crap. You know, I'd be much more of a H/Hr person if authors could write them as a couple without making them WILDLY OoC.
* * * * *
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Ron is sad because his students don't like his sex ed class. Clearly, the problem is with him! Assigning the class to someone who would be more comfortable teaching it is out of the question!
* * * * *
For some reason, Draco, REALLY wants Ginny to be super pregnant when they get married. If Neil has a pregnancy fetish too, I will eat my computer or do something else similarly drastic.
* * * * *
Friday, September 30, 2005
The students complain about Ron's teaching and call him "the loser Weasley." This makes me sad. Ron decides to take questions instead of just outlining the chapter, and Neil spends lots of time describing how uncomfortable Ron is.
Anyway, witches apparently have some sort of implant in their vaginas that detects semen and sets off an alarm if they are under 15. It's creepy, but even creepier is how Neil clearly thinks it is unjust to stop kids under 15 from having sex.
* * * * *
October 20, 2005
Amanda and Jamie talk about how beautiful Caitlin is getting Jamie says: "Her little buds have even blossomed into breasts." WHO TALKS LIKE THAT. Amanda admires her "firm little butt."
They are amazed that no one objects to Caitlin hanging out naked in the common room all the time. I bet there are plenty of people who have a problem with it, but are too scared to speak out against the Sues.
A first year named Evan Creevey hits on Caitlin and it's supposedly "cute." I DO NOT like where this is going. Oh, and Matt is still super evil.
* * * * *
October 30, 2005
Once the golden plates were again clean, Snape stood up. There was a thrill of excitement in the air as he prepared to execute the Sues who had been living among them, corrupting all.
"The time has come," Snape said observing the anxious faces before him. "READY....AIM.....FIRE! Before we bring the casket in, I would like to say a few words of explanation."
Kim looked wide-eyed at Emily. "Did he say casket?" she whispered.
Emily didn't answer, but rather uncertainly nodded.
"The team from Salem will be arriving at six o'clock tomorrow," Snape announced. "Lessons will end half an hour early so that all students will have time to spruce up and then assemble in front of the castle to greet our guests who will be joining us for the Halloween Feast."
STOP RIPPING OF JKR.
"At the feast, our six member team and two alternates will be chosen by an impartial selector: the Goblet of Fire," he said. "Mr. Filch, the casket please."
Cut because it's text basically lifted straight from GoF.
* * * * *
October 31, 2005
"This had to be the longest, most boring day ever," Emily moaned as she and Kim filed down the steps, along with the other Slytherins, and lined up in front of the castle with the other houses. "I didn't see a single penis today."
"Isn't that how it always goes?" Kim asked. "If you dread an approaching event, time appears to fly. If you're looking forward to something, it always crawls out of the TV to kill you. Did your parents mention what time the train carrying the Americans is scheduled to arrive in Hogsmeade?"
"I doubt they'll be arriving by train," answered Emily.
"Do you think they'll Apparate then?" asked Kim. "Maybe Americans are allowed to do it at a younger age than us."
"I think I recall my Mum saying at least a hundred times that you can't Apparate inside Hogwarts grounds," Emily joked. "She told me that when The Triwizard Tournament was held here, the students all arrived in really impressive ways. The delegation from Beauxbatons arrived in a gigantic, powder blue, horse-drawn carriage. The carriage was the size of a large house and it was pulled through the air by a dozen winged horses, each the size of an elephant."
"The party from Durmstrang arrived on a sailing ship," Emily continued. "A whirlpool appeared in the very middle of the lake and this magnificent ship just rose up out of it."
"Well, in that case I'm sure the Americans will want to put on a fancy show," said Kim. "I wonder what they'll come up with?"
"I don't know," Emily answered, "but whatever it is, I wish they'd hurry. It's already after six. I'm hungry and I have to pee."
Oh no.
"That would be a nice greeting. As they walk by, you can pee on their feet. I'm sure they'd never forget you," Kim laughed.
"It isn't funny,' Emily moaned. "I really need to go."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Just then a gigantic shape passed over the treetops of the Forbidden Forest. "What is it?" Marta cried.
"I'm not sure," Tyler answered, "but it's huge. I don't see where it is going to land. It's looks bigger than the Quidditch pitch."
"It's a carpet," Kim screamed. "A gigantic red, white and blue striped flying carpet."
Ugh. That is just tacky.
"Flying carpets are illegal," Denise protested.
"Maybe not in the United States," Tyler suggested. "They probably obtained special permission to fly it over Britain. Looks it's going to land on the flat lawn where we had broom flying lesson last year."
When the carpet finally came to rest, a small building, sitting in the middle became perceptible.
"It's a log cabin," Tyler said in displeasure. "What a bloody disappointment. I am very British, because I say 'bloody' all the time. Based on the size of that carpet, I expected something a great deal more impressive."
The words had barely left his lips when over a hundred skyrockets zoomed into the air illuminating the grounds with bursts of red, white and blue. Everyone gasped in awe as the pyrotechnics display continued on, increasing in magnitude until the sky was blazing with color and the ground was shaking from the detonations. Finally, in conclusion, there was a huge explosion and the sky glittered with thousands of American flags.
SUPER TACKY. It's like something Steven Colbert would have arranged...as a JOKE.
"Got to give it to the Yanks," Tyler said, "that was pretty impressive." His attention, along with everyone else's, now returned to the smoke obscured log cabin.
They waited impatiently for the smoke to clear and the American delegation to exit the log cabin. But as the smoke dissipated, it was apparent that the log cabin was no longer present; a full size replica of the United States White House had replaced it.
"Impressive," Tyler said, biting his lips and nodding his head. Why is he biting his lips?
"Will you hurry up?" Emily cried, trying to cross her legs without losing her balance. I have such a bad feeling about this.
Finally, the doors opened and the American group proceeded down the steps and then across the lawn toward the waiting Hogwarts students.
"Oh! No!" Emily cried, as the group neared.
"Emily, please tell me you didn't have an accident. Not now, of all times," Kim entreated as she turned toward her best friend.
I'm beginning to think that these Sues should have their bladders checked. I have NEVER come across so many girls who pee their pants (or lack of pants) as much as the Sues do.
End of Chapter Eleven
Chapter Ten: Twists and Turns ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter Twelve: Follow the Money Trail