Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Sir Shrimpjaw of Upper Hartfordsheepwickoxfamshire, Vice-Admiral of Byzantium, Slayer of the fearful, Pleasurer of women far and wide, has an official decree.

Though nearly godlike in his appearance and abilities, Shrimpjaw is not unaware of the daily plight of the indigenous residents of his newly conquered land.  Yes, it is true ( Read more... )

Ah, Nendoans, such simple little creatures.  So primitive, so fragile.  One of our most Earthly joys is to awake each morning, roll off whatever starlet from "Gossip Girl" we've spent the night rimslamming, go to our balcony loaded with diamond-powered lasers ("Congo" got one thing right), and simply cut down whatever lowly Nendoan happens to be in ( Read more... )

Glory to Shrimpjaw! The world wide web is simply too small a place to contain the brilliance of Shrimpjaw in one place for too long. Don't worry, loyal shrimpfans (your puffy, tear soaked faces disgust us even more than you usually do). We packed Kaak, Mascella, Quijada, Machoire, Oscar, and his wildly impoverished family into an industrial sized ( Read more... )

So, Madonna and Lock Stock are most likely getting a divorce.  Did you hear about that?

Trick question, filth.

Of course you haven't heard about it.  You haven't heard about it because 1) we haven't told you about it yet and 2) because your deformed mongoloid ears are incapable of detecting sounds.  Why do we even bother sharing information with ( Read more... )

If there's one thing the universe has taught the mighty Shrimpjaw it is that things go in cycles; the seasons continue to change, clothing styles go out and come back in, Shrimpjaw readers go from stupid and ugly to idiotic and putrid and back again, and women seem to have all their marbles and then BOOM; they've lost it.

Seriously, what's the ( Read more... )

Pop quiz, Shrimpfans.  What's better than receiving the best celebrity news from the most virile, intelligent, sexually potent homo shrimpjawicus on the planet?

Answer:  Nothing.  God, you guys are fucking idiots.  That had to be the simplest question in the history of time, and you still managed to botch it.  Sometimes Shrimpjaw doesn't even know ( Read more... )

No Juwes.

Hearts,
Mel

I swear to god, Shrimpfans, Shrimpjaw is still alive here in the belly of the beast ( Read more... )

We're through the looking glass here, Shrimpfans.

The Shrimpjaw compound is on a complete and total lockdown.  Shrimperton detectives have been posted at all key strategic locations with orders to shoot hostiles on sight.  The Shrimptron 2800 Deluxe Supercomputer and Sandwich Dispenser GT has been functioning at 136% capacity for the last twenty ( Read more... )

It's time for Shrimpjaw to level with you, loyal shrimpfans.  Sometimes he doesn't even know why he continues to write these articles.  Sure, they're read and admired by countless million of people the world over, but that's not much of a consolation.  After all, it's not like any of you actually get one millionth of one percent of the mind- ( Read more... )