Shrimpjaw Has Seen Death, and It's Name is Suri
We're through the looking glass here, Shrimpfans.
The Shrimpjaw compound is on a complete and total lockdown. Shrimperton detectives have been posted at all key strategic locations with orders to shoot hostiles on sight. The Shrimptron 2800 Deluxe Supercomputer and Sandwich Dispenser GT has been functioning at 136% capacity for the last twenty hours, running every possible contingency scenario. Kaak and the other scientists have barricaded themselves in the Theoretical Physics Wing, something about how the quantum harmonic oscillator won't elevate the bosons above zero-point energy until the atmosphere in the hyperbaric chamber reaches 600 kilopascals. Shrimpjaw has been making himself useful by continually boning the large influx of bikini-clad, Swedish supermodel refugees. We're not absolutely sure how this is helping the situation, but we do know that we are exceedingly good at it.
By now even the slowest of Shrimpjaw readers, some of whom achieved SAT scores so low that they didn't even technically include numbers, have figured out what disastrous fate has befallen mankind. The rapture is upon us. The dragon has risen from the sea with the seven headed beast, the wolf, Sköll, has swallowed the sun. Suri Cruise, child of none, has been spat forth like an abomination onto this world. Nothing shall escape the clutches of the creature's muculent tentacles. In it's wake shall be left a trail of horror and chaos, unequaled in the annals of history.
In other words, we are seriously fucked.
But before we go on describing the Day of Reckoning, let's talk about something far more important. Namely, Shrimpjaw. As many of you have noticed, Shrimpjaw has not crafted a masterful piece of literary gold in quite some time. Many of you have written desperate and semi-literate appeals for Shrimpjaw to come back and once again add some form of meaning into your otherwise pointless lives. Shrimpjaw thanks you a great deal for these messages, as they provided countless hours of side splitting entertainment. We would have deleted them long ago if not for the fact that every time we look at them a smooth, sensuous baritone laugh erupts from our well-muscled throat, passes our pristine teeth, and continue through the air as shock waves powerful enough to shatter the lens on Quijada's monocle. Still, Shrimpjaw believes that you fans deserve a reason for the large span of time between entries. Unfortunately, we are far too busy counting our piles and piles of $hrimpdollaz to possibly be bothered with such a mediocre task. Therefore, we turned to our former college rickshaw driver, Graham Yost, to provide you with a brief outline of what Shrimpjaw has been up to for the past month.
"Shrimpjaw is a hot-shot bomb squad officer who is willing to do unconventional things to resolve hostage situations, like shooting the hostage (in this case, his partner, Gambero Mascella. A disgruntled individual, Madonna, likes to challenge Shrimpjaw and his unconventional techniques. After Shrimpjaw foils an attempt by the Material Girl to extort money by holding an elevator hostage (through remote control), Madonna ups the ante by declaring that a bus in the city has been rigged with explosives triggered by the bus speed. When the bus exceeds 50 mph (80 km/h) the explosive is armed, with the charge being triggered to explode if its speed drops below 50 mph thereafter. Additionally, no one is allowed on or off the bus.
Shrimpjaw races to intercept the bus, but he is too late to stop the bus from exceeding the 50 miles per hour; the bomb is now armed and cannot be stopped. Now required to keep the bus moving at the minimum speed, Shrimpjaw boards the bus. However, a young hoodlum, mistakenly believing that the police office was doing all this to arrest him, produces a handgun and demands the bus be stopped. While Shrimpjaw tries to explain the situation and calm the man down, another rider tackles the hoodlum, which causes the handgun to accidentally go off and hit the bus driver. Shrimpjaw convinces Madonna to allow the injured bus driver off the bus. However, after the bus driver is safely off, a woman pushes her way through and attempts to get off. Madonna, who is watching the situation on live TV, pushes a button, detonating a minor charge below the floor of the bus near the door, killing the woman who then passes under the rear wheels of the bus.
With the bus driver gone, a young woman, Kate Moss, is forced to take over the controls and struggle to keep the bus moving at an acceptable speed. Even though she lost her license for snorting eighty kilograms of cocaine, she must, speed through the congested city to keep the bus moving. Meanwhile, the Shrimpertons are alerted to the crisis and provide escort, clear traffic, plan the best route for the bus, and search for the bomber. It turns out that the singer was a former Kabbalah squad officer, and has multiple ways of keeping track of the occupants. The attempt to find her out is foiled; Madonna has moved out, and the house that the Shrimpertons raid blows up.
Kate manages to drive the rigged bus into Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) where authorities are waiting to help evacuate the hostages. After many mishaps and near misses, Shrimpjaw figures out how the bomber is monitoring the activity in the bus and uses that knowledge to fool him while the occupants are safely evacuated. Shrimpjaw and Moss safely escape, and then watch as the bus crashes into a cargo plane and explodes. The Shrimpertons then arrange a sting operation to catch the suspect, only to be challenged again by Madonna in a last ditch attempt at getting her failed career back. Madonna pretends to be a British citizen and lures Kate as a hostage onto a Metro Red Line subway train. Vice-Admiral Shrimpjaw finds the train. In a dramatic sequence, the two rivals fight on the top of the subway, which ends when Madonna gets decapitated by Shrimpjaw's bulging bicep. However, the train can't stop now since Madonna killed the operator and destroyed the controls. In the end, Kate and Shrimpjaw crash at what is now the Hollywood/Highland Red Line station. The train derails and is sent up an equipment access ramp outside Grauman's Chinese Theater, where Kate and Shrimpjaw make savage, bone shattering love. The end."
Now, back to that iniquitous infant (bad baby). So, yes, TomKat have gone ahead and dropped the S-bomb on the entire world, and now the rest of us have to deal with it. It's unfortunate that Scientology has such vested interest in the child's well being, or else Shrimpjaw is pretty sure that Cruise would have swallowed it whole the second it emerged from Holme's now permanently tainted birth canal. Maybe we can convince TomKat to enter their baby into some kind of no-holds-barred celebrity baby blood brawl. Shrimpjaw would love to see that behemoth, "Violent" Violet Anne Affleck go up against an OT VII Suri in a pit full of rattlesnakes and razor wire. It's hard to determine who would come out ahead in that matchup. While Suri has all the powers of Xenu at her disposal, Violet, being the child of Affleck and Garner, possesses roughly 87 Y chromosomes, 54 of them in her jaw alone. One child that definitely won't be making an appearance is Moses Bruce Anthony Martin. This kid just has too many factors working against him. I mean, his father is Chris Martin, a man so effeminate that he makes Daniel Craig look like, well, pretty much any man besides Daniel Craig. Really, Oscar the Ecuadorian janitor has that guy beat. Most tellingly, he had to be delivered by caesarian section, which means that he wasn't strong enough to worm his way out of Paltrow's V-town. How pathetic is that? Shrimpjaw is pretty sure that vagina's are specifically designed to allow the easy entrance and exit of various materials. So Moses' failure to part his mom's red sea is pretty much the equivalent of a pet owner having to come outside and carry their pet into the house because it was too weak to lift that plastic flap on the doggy door. Yeah, this kid's future is bright. Lucky for him, Gwen will never let him out of the hermetically sealed bubble he'll be sharing with his sister Apple. Those are going to be some weird pubertal years.
Oh, and, by the way. If you readers think that this post means that Shrimpjaw will be going back to daily updates anytime soon, just let that belief serve as the April Fool's joke that we didn't care enough to give you.
The Shrimpjaw compound is on a complete and total lockdown. Shrimperton detectives have been posted at all key strategic locations with orders to shoot hostiles on sight. The Shrimptron 2800 Deluxe Supercomputer and Sandwich Dispenser GT has been functioning at 136% capacity for the last twenty hours, running every possible contingency scenario. Kaak and the other scientists have barricaded themselves in the Theoretical Physics Wing, something about how the quantum harmonic oscillator won't elevate the bosons above zero-point energy until the atmosphere in the hyperbaric chamber reaches 600 kilopascals. Shrimpjaw has been making himself useful by continually boning the large influx of bikini-clad, Swedish supermodel refugees. We're not absolutely sure how this is helping the situation, but we do know that we are exceedingly good at it.
By now even the slowest of Shrimpjaw readers, some of whom achieved SAT scores so low that they didn't even technically include numbers, have figured out what disastrous fate has befallen mankind. The rapture is upon us. The dragon has risen from the sea with the seven headed beast, the wolf, Sköll, has swallowed the sun. Suri Cruise, child of none, has been spat forth like an abomination onto this world. Nothing shall escape the clutches of the creature's muculent tentacles. In it's wake shall be left a trail of horror and chaos, unequaled in the annals of history.
In other words, we are seriously fucked.
But before we go on describing the Day of Reckoning, let's talk about something far more important. Namely, Shrimpjaw. As many of you have noticed, Shrimpjaw has not crafted a masterful piece of literary gold in quite some time. Many of you have written desperate and semi-literate appeals for Shrimpjaw to come back and once again add some form of meaning into your otherwise pointless lives. Shrimpjaw thanks you a great deal for these messages, as they provided countless hours of side splitting entertainment. We would have deleted them long ago if not for the fact that every time we look at them a smooth, sensuous baritone laugh erupts from our well-muscled throat, passes our pristine teeth, and continue through the air as shock waves powerful enough to shatter the lens on Quijada's monocle. Still, Shrimpjaw believes that you fans deserve a reason for the large span of time between entries. Unfortunately, we are far too busy counting our piles and piles of $hrimpdollaz to possibly be bothered with such a mediocre task. Therefore, we turned to our former college rickshaw driver, Graham Yost, to provide you with a brief outline of what Shrimpjaw has been up to for the past month.
"Shrimpjaw is a hot-shot bomb squad officer who is willing to do unconventional things to resolve hostage situations, like shooting the hostage (in this case, his partner, Gambero Mascella. A disgruntled individual, Madonna, likes to challenge Shrimpjaw and his unconventional techniques. After Shrimpjaw foils an attempt by the Material Girl to extort money by holding an elevator hostage (through remote control), Madonna ups the ante by declaring that a bus in the city has been rigged with explosives triggered by the bus speed. When the bus exceeds 50 mph (80 km/h) the explosive is armed, with the charge being triggered to explode if its speed drops below 50 mph thereafter. Additionally, no one is allowed on or off the bus.
Shrimpjaw races to intercept the bus, but he is too late to stop the bus from exceeding the 50 miles per hour; the bomb is now armed and cannot be stopped. Now required to keep the bus moving at the minimum speed, Shrimpjaw boards the bus. However, a young hoodlum, mistakenly believing that the police office was doing all this to arrest him, produces a handgun and demands the bus be stopped. While Shrimpjaw tries to explain the situation and calm the man down, another rider tackles the hoodlum, which causes the handgun to accidentally go off and hit the bus driver. Shrimpjaw convinces Madonna to allow the injured bus driver off the bus. However, after the bus driver is safely off, a woman pushes her way through and attempts to get off. Madonna, who is watching the situation on live TV, pushes a button, detonating a minor charge below the floor of the bus near the door, killing the woman who then passes under the rear wheels of the bus.
With the bus driver gone, a young woman, Kate Moss, is forced to take over the controls and struggle to keep the bus moving at an acceptable speed. Even though she lost her license for snorting eighty kilograms of cocaine, she must, speed through the congested city to keep the bus moving. Meanwhile, the Shrimpertons are alerted to the crisis and provide escort, clear traffic, plan the best route for the bus, and search for the bomber. It turns out that the singer was a former Kabbalah squad officer, and has multiple ways of keeping track of the occupants. The attempt to find her out is foiled; Madonna has moved out, and the house that the Shrimpertons raid blows up.
Kate manages to drive the rigged bus into Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) where authorities are waiting to help evacuate the hostages. After many mishaps and near misses, Shrimpjaw figures out how the bomber is monitoring the activity in the bus and uses that knowledge to fool him while the occupants are safely evacuated. Shrimpjaw and Moss safely escape, and then watch as the bus crashes into a cargo plane and explodes. The Shrimpertons then arrange a sting operation to catch the suspect, only to be challenged again by Madonna in a last ditch attempt at getting her failed career back. Madonna pretends to be a British citizen and lures Kate as a hostage onto a Metro Red Line subway train. Vice-Admiral Shrimpjaw finds the train. In a dramatic sequence, the two rivals fight on the top of the subway, which ends when Madonna gets decapitated by Shrimpjaw's bulging bicep. However, the train can't stop now since Madonna killed the operator and destroyed the controls. In the end, Kate and Shrimpjaw crash at what is now the Hollywood/Highland Red Line station. The train derails and is sent up an equipment access ramp outside Grauman's Chinese Theater, where Kate and Shrimpjaw make savage, bone shattering love. The end."
Now, back to that iniquitous infant (bad baby). So, yes, TomKat have gone ahead and dropped the S-bomb on the entire world, and now the rest of us have to deal with it. It's unfortunate that Scientology has such vested interest in the child's well being, or else Shrimpjaw is pretty sure that Cruise would have swallowed it whole the second it emerged from Holme's now permanently tainted birth canal. Maybe we can convince TomKat to enter their baby into some kind of no-holds-barred celebrity baby blood brawl. Shrimpjaw would love to see that behemoth, "Violent" Violet Anne Affleck go up against an OT VII Suri in a pit full of rattlesnakes and razor wire. It's hard to determine who would come out ahead in that matchup. While Suri has all the powers of Xenu at her disposal, Violet, being the child of Affleck and Garner, possesses roughly 87 Y chromosomes, 54 of them in her jaw alone. One child that definitely won't be making an appearance is Moses Bruce Anthony Martin. This kid just has too many factors working against him. I mean, his father is Chris Martin, a man so effeminate that he makes Daniel Craig look like, well, pretty much any man besides Daniel Craig. Really, Oscar the Ecuadorian janitor has that guy beat. Most tellingly, he had to be delivered by caesarian section, which means that he wasn't strong enough to worm his way out of Paltrow's V-town. How pathetic is that? Shrimpjaw is pretty sure that vagina's are specifically designed to allow the easy entrance and exit of various materials. So Moses' failure to part his mom's red sea is pretty much the equivalent of a pet owner having to come outside and carry their pet into the house because it was too weak to lift that plastic flap on the doggy door. Yeah, this kid's future is bright. Lucky for him, Gwen will never let him out of the hermetically sealed bubble he'll be sharing with his sister Apple. Those are going to be some weird pubertal years.
Oh, and, by the way. If you readers think that this post means that Shrimpjaw will be going back to daily updates anytime soon, just let that belief serve as the April Fool's joke that we didn't care enough to give you.