Shattered Silence - Chapter 28
Title: Shattered Silence
Author: shmorgenheigen
Chapter: Chapter 28
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 7151
Summary: David Desrosiers is a seventeen year old boy when his father unexpectedly sells his family home, forcing him to move across town and switch schools for his senior year of high school. Having always been the victim of homophobic bullying, the idea of transferring to a new school for his final year isn’t all that uninviting, though when he runs into his toxic ex-boyfriend on his very first day, he suddenly finds himself yearning for the bullying of his old school, instead. David does his best to persevere in the face of an ex that he’s terrified of, intent on keeping his head down and making it through his final year in peace so he can move onto college and begin his adult life.
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, didn't happen!
Author's Note: This is an alternate universe story based off of Behind the Net, Behind the Net (Pierre’s POV), and Behind the Net: Across the Distance (A Sequel) where David never joins the hockey team, he and Pierre never become friends and start dating, and instead David is single when he comes across Hunter, Ezra, Noah, and Ben. I had so much fun when writing the sequel to Behind the Net with Hunter and Ezra and the boys, and Pierre was certain at various points during the sequel story David would have forgiven and dated Hunter if he had been single when he met Hunter again, and also that David and Ezra would have fallen for each other if Pierre had never been in the picture. Curiosity led me to thinking way too much about what David actually would have done in a scenario where he and Pierre had never fallen in love. Without dating Pierre and all of the growth and healing he did over the course of their relationship, David would have been a very different person and would have reacted very differently to meeting Hunter again. Before I knew it I got inspired and had to write it. Pierre makes a few guest appearances as a boy from the same small town, of course, but this is not a Pierre/David story, and I think it may actually be my favorite story I’ve ever written. If you give this a read, leave me a comment and let me know!
This story begins in the year 2015
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
David’s mind hadn’t stopped spiraling in the hour and a half it took for Ezra to get to his house that night after the show. He sat on the couch with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, occasionally leaning his head down and grasping handfuls of his hair as his mind played him scenario after scenario of Hunter finding out about his relationship with Ezra, all of them ending horribly. He imagined Ezra telling Hunter they were together and Hunter coming unglued on him, beating him until he couldn’t stand. He imagined Hunter coming to his house and shoving his way in the door, grabbing him and screaming at him, forcing himself on him and not stopping no matter how hard he cried. He imagined Hunter holding him down and taking him, so obsessed with him that he couldn’t accept that David had moved on and unable to let him go. He had known all along that they were playing a dangerous game and that it was unrealistic to think that he and Ezra could continue to be together without Hunter ever finding out, but he had continued to put it out of his mind to worry about later. He hated that later had finally come.
He also couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he had just told Hunter how in love he was with the person he was with now, explaining how kind and gentle he was, explaining how he didn’t force him into sex, comparing him brutally to Hunter and making it known that the person he was with now was endlessly better than him. When Hunter found out that that person was Ezra, he knew all the things he had said would only make Hunter’s reaction that much worse. To know that they had sex, to know that David was in love with him, to know that Ezra’s love for him had made him realize that he’d never actually loved Hunter, all of it would drive Hunter insane.
David stood and began to pace, asking himself why he and Ezra had been so reckless as to go to the side of the building to make out when everyone was just on the other side of the wall, why they hadn’t just waited until they were safely behind his locked door, why they had been so impatient and stupid. It had started to feel like they were going to be able to make it through the end of the school year without anyone ever finding out about them, at which point everyone would have moved their separate ways. There were still a little over two months left in the school year; for Hunter to find out now left a lot of time for drama. Would Hunter find out, lash out and attack Ezra, and then simply leave them alone for the rest of the year? Somehow David didn’t think that was likely. He wondered how stressful their lives would be, and how often they would be bothered by him. He just couldn’t see Hunter giving up.
Then there was the question of Ben and Noah. What would happen with them? If Hunter was as awful as David worried he was going to be, would they still take his side? He knew what he and Ezra had done was wrong and selfish. He knew they should have stayed away from each other when they still could manage it and should have never allowed themselves to indulge in each other, but from the moment he’d realized he liked Ezra it had felt impossible to stay away from him. Being with Ezra was as easy as breathing, like he was the other half of his soul, like everything was perfect when he was around. He felt like they fit together as if they were two halves of the same whole, like they were made for each other. Was there any chance that Ben and Noah would be able to forgive them for their weakness, or would they drop them as friends entirely?
His mind went back to his acceptance letter to the Fashion Institute of Technology and what it would mean to accept and go to school in New York. He knew that Ezra had only applied to colleges in Alaska. David had applied for FIT just before his feelings for Ezra had been awakened and things had been such a whirlwind since then that he hadn’t thought about it again since he’d sent off the application. Now he imagined going off to New York and leaving Ezra in Alaska and the idea of it felt like he would be leaving half of himself behind. He had never felt for anyone the way he felt for Ezra, how could he leave him? But he knew the once in a lifetime opportunity he’d been given by the Fashion Institute of Technology, how could he give that up? To study where some of the best designers had studied? To give up the opportunities that would come with completing a fashion degree in New York City, the fashion center of America? It was everything he’d ever wanted and he’d been granted it, but now he didn’t see how he could take it. Just as strongly, he didn’t see how he could give it up.
Then he reminded himself that Hunter may have also been moving to New York. He had just gone to New York for his audition for Julliard and came back saying he felt like it went really well. What if he got in? David questioned the sanity of choosing to live in the same city as him, especially after what he had done to him just a week prior. He looked up the distance from FIT to Julliard, thinking they couldn’t possibly be that close to each other, but horrifyingly he saw that it was a twenty minute subway ride between the two colleges. What if they ended up on the same subway, or visited the same spot? He couldn’t imagine that Hunter would leave him alone if he ever saw him. If he found out where he had been accepted, would Hunter show up at FIT looking for him? Would he never be free of him?
David leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor, his knees up to his chest and his hands in his hair as his panicked thoughts got the better of him and he started to cry, taking ragged breaths and pulling his hair so hard it hurt. He wanted to hide under his bed and never come out, to never have to face any of these possibilities or decisions, to simply shut it all out and pretend that none of it existed. He wondered if it would really be so bad to just stay in Alaska, go to one of the Universities he’d been accepted into, and to forget about any possibility of New York, but he was terrified that if he didn’t take this opportunity he would regret it for the rest of his life. But what about Ezra? Would he not regret moving away from him? Wouldn’t moving away mean the end of their relationship? Could they survive long distance for two years or longer? It was all just too much to think about.
He heard his front door open and David looked up suddenly, his fingers releasing their grip on his hair, his face wet with tears, his mouth open and his chest heaving from his rapid breathing. Ezra took in the sight of him and immediately his expression changed to that of deep worry, shutting the door behind him, dropping his acoustic guitar to the ground, and walking over to where David sat on the floor. “Hey,” he said, his voice soft and soothing. He didn’t wait to pull David against his chest and to wrap his arms around him, holding his head with one hand and rubbing his back with the other. “Everything’s gonna be okay,” he said.
David clung to him, his fingers digging into his shirt, and he shook his head frantically. “No it’s not, nothing’s gonna be okay,” he said, his words spilling out too fast, his voice thick with tears. Without being able to stop himself David began to sob, spilling all of his worries in words that were hard to understand, getting lost in a panicked tangent of all of the thoughts that had spiraled out of control in the time he’d been home alone.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Ezra said, trying to calm him, pulling back and holding his face in both hands and staring sadly into his eyes. David was inconsolable, unable to stop crying, unable to stop spilling nonsensical words and fears, his body shaking and his breathing way too fast. “David, breathe,” Ezra tried again, but David shook his head and allowed his overwhelming sense of dread to consume him. Ezra gave up on trying to calm him and just pulled him against his chest again, holding him tightly and rocking his body gently. He stopped trying to tell him to calm down or to breathe or that everything was going to be okay, thinking that the only way for David to calm down was to simply get it all out until there was nothing left. Eventually David stopped speaking at all and just cried, clinging to Ezra as if he was the only thing holding him down to the Earth.
After what felt like an eternity David’s sobbing began to slow and quiet, though his body still shook and his fingers continued to dig into Ezra’s back. Then bit by bit, his grip loosened, his breathing regulated, and his body relaxed. When he felt David’s hands slip from his back and stop holding him at all, Ezra leaned back and peered at his face, seeing that David had fallen asleep, apparently drained of all energy by the panic attack he’d just had. Ezra closed his eyes and cradled him close, his heart aching at all of the pain and fear that David held inside of himself.
Ezra hated himself for doing this to David, feeling deep in the pit of his stomach that everything they were going through was entirely his fault. He had liked David so much that he had jumped at the chance to go over to his house and work on his car and hadn’t been able to stop himself from flirting with him, or standing up to his bully for him. Without that day, without those interactions, he didn’t think David would have ever seen the spark that existed so naturally between them, and without David reciprocating his feelings Ezra would have never made a move on him. The second David looked at him with those dazed eyes and looked at his lips like he wanted to kiss him, Ezra had been unable to stop himself from pursuing him. The way he had rubbed his knee and ankle against David’s under the table while telling his friends about the cute scrawny gay boy he stood up for, the way he’d held David’s hand under the table the second he was close enough to do so, the way he’d sat next to him at the skatepark and purposefully waited to leave until they were alone together, had touched his face and kissed him… He knew David would have never done any of that and their relationship wouldn’t have started without it.
The only thing he knew he wasn’t entirely responsible for was Hunter’s obsession with David, though he knew he had certainly made it worse by falling so obviously in love with him that even Ben and Noah had been able to see it. He wondered if Hunter would have gotten so desperate toward David if he hadn’t felt the direct competition from him, if he hadn’t seen hickeys on his neck and hadn’t learned that David had a boyfriend even though he didn’t know who that boyfriend was. Would it have been easier for Hunter to leave David alone if he hadn’t thought he was losing him to someone else? Ezra reminded himself that Hunter had forced himself on David and held him down and kissed him before any of this had happened and he knew that Hunter would have continued to try, though perhaps not so desperately.
When David’s breathing became deeper and his body relaxed completely, Ezra looked down at him again and wondered if he could move him without waking him. He moved his hands to be in a position to pick David up, pulling on him gently to test how deeply asleep he was, and when David didn’t so much as twitch in response Ezra thought it would be safe to try to move him. He got them up slowly and carefully, carrying David with an arm cradling his neck and shoulders and the other under his knees, glancing down at him occasionally to make sure he wasn’t stirring. He was able to get him to his bed and to lay him down gently. The moment he laid him down, David rolled on his side and curled into himself, his hand tucking under his pillow. Ezra pulled off his shoes but didn’t try to undress him further, worried that he would wake him and not wanting to disturb him now that he’d finally stopped crying.
He pulled the blanket over David’s body and climbed into bed with him, wrapping his arm around his body and pulling him in close. Without waking up, David cuddled into Ezra and nuzzled his face in his neck, taking a deep breath and letting it out as a sigh in his sleep. Despite the way David was fast asleep, Ezra felt wide awake, his mind going over all of the confused things that David had sobbed, and he felt guilt crushing him. One thing he couldn’t stop thinking about was how conflicted David was about going to New York, about how he clearly felt trapped between how much he wanted to go and how much he didn’t want to leave Ezra behind. Ezra couldn’t imagine how much it would hurt to have David move across the country, but he knew allowing him to give it up to stay in Alaska with him wasn’t an option. He didn’t know what the solution was and didn’t want to think about the possibility of trying to have a relationship long distance or breaking up, but he knew David’s future was in New York even if he had to make him go for his own good.
David didn’t wake until morning when the sun had come up and the room was bright. His head was pounding and his eyes felt heavier and stiffer than usual and it took him several minutes to work up the ability to open them. When he did he immediately took notice of Ezra sleeping peacefully next to him, and for a long while he just stared at him, the heavy feelings of the night before coming back to him and reminding him of how he had cried and the way Ezra had simply held him together. He reached up a hand and gently ran his fingers across Ezra’s face, loving everything about him from his long, shaggy black hair to his dark eyebrows and eyelashes to the shape of his nose and his lips. He had never felt so certain that someone was meant to be in his life as he was about Ezra, and the idea of losing him made him feel as if his heart was being squeezed in a vice, on the verge of caving in. Without realizing it tears began to stream silently from his eyes, traveling down over the bridge of his nose and falling onto his pillow. He loved him so much it made him want to scream.
The feel of David’s fingers on his skin pulled Ezra from his sleep and his eyes opened, staring at David for a moment before his brain clicked into place and he realized he was awake. He blinked a few times, beginning to process the sight in front of him. His hand reached up to grab David’s on his cheek and his eyes took in the devastated sadness in David’s eyes and the tears running down his nose and suddenly he was awake, though he didn’t move and he didn’t speak. His eyebrows pulled together and he stared into David’s eyes, the depth of his aching pouring from his own. The look in Ezra’s eyes was all it took for David’s chest to squeeze and his tears to fall faster, and he held tighter to the other boy’s cheek, hating the possibility that there could come a time where he wouldn’t be able to touch him like this. The fear of Hunter finding out about their relationship was temporarily pushed from his mind and the only thing that existed was the acceptance letter that sat on his desk and the idea of moving to New York without Ezra with him.
“I can’t go,” David whispered, his tears falling faster as the words left his lips.
“You have to go,” Ezra replied softly. “You wouldn’t even be questioning it if it wasn’t for me… You can’t stay here just because of me.”
“But I can’t be without you,” David said, his arm beginning to shake. “You make me feel complete… and safe… I can’t do it without you.”
“I can’t let you give up your dreams to stay with me,” Ezra reasoned sadly. “You got into the best fashion school in the country, David, that means something.”
“Come with me,” David suggested, his voice desperately hopeful.
“I’d love that but… what am I gonna do in New York?” Ezra asked. “All the colleges I applied for are here.”
“I don’t know…” David responded quietly. “You could start somewhere in Alaska and transfer. We could do long distance for a little bit.”
“Yeah… I guess I could do that,” Ezra said, nodding a little. “But… I also just don’t have the money to go to New York. I don’t have money waiting for me to go to college. If I go, it’s gonna be on whatever grants and student loans I can get. I don’t have anything set aside for me to help with living expenses, my family just… doesn’t have it,” he explained hesitantly. “I can figure it out in Anchorage or Fairbanks, I can get a weekend or night job to cover myself through school… but New York is one of the most expensive places to live in the country. There’s no way I could make enough working part time while going to school to support myself.”
“You don’t have to worry about living expenses, I kind of… already have all of that taken care of for me,” David admitted sheepishly, feeling like the time had come to explain an uncomfortable truth to Ezra that he hadn’t ever talked to anyone about.
“David, I can’t just live off of you and let you pay for everything,” Ezra argued quietly.
“It’s not me... It’s… my mom,” David started, his eyes easily displaying his discomfort at the topic. “She was a doctor… and she made a lot of money so… she had a really big life insurance policy in case anything ever happened to her,” he continued, blushing and looking down. “It was 1.5 million dollars… and when she died, half of it went to me. I get access to it when I turn 18. It’s gonna pay for all of my living expenses and… I’m still gonna have a lot left over even after I graduate. And on top of that, my parents started a college fund for me when I was a baby, so my school costs are gonna be completely covered.” He looked back into Ezra’s eyes nervously, feeling uncomfortable and a little guilty disclosing the fact that in just a few months he would have $750,000 that was his to use and that he didn’t have to worry at all about college tuition, especially given the fact that he knew Ezra’s family had no money.
Ezra’s eyes were a little wider than normal as he processed what David had just told him, but quickly the shock at the mind boggling dollar amount wore off and he was shaking his head, his eyes again displaying sadness as he replied, “I’m not gonna live off of your mom’s life insurance money.”
“I’m already using it though. Whether you come with me or not, I’m gonna be using it for all the same things. What difference does it make if you’re there too?” David argued gently. When Ezra didn’t respond and just continued to look uncomfortable and sad, David started to feel desperation building inside of him. “It’s not like I did anything to earn it, it was just given to me because something really bad happened. Why not let me use it to cover you too so we can keep being together? You can go to a school in New York and once we’re both graduated and working, things will even out and we can both contribute.”
“It just doesn’t feel right,” Ezra told him, his voice sad and soft. “If I do come with you, I’m gonna get a job and try to cover my own cost of living. I’m not gonna let you pay for my part of everything.” David bit his lip and watched as Ezra sighed softly and rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling with a contemplative expression. “Honestly, I still don’t know what I want to do. I applied to colleges because it’s what you’re supposed to do but… I don’t really even want to go,” he admitted quietly.
“You don’t have to go to college if you don’t want to,” David told him gently, watching as Ezra nodded though his expression didn’t change. “And if you decided you wanted to go down the line you could always go then. There’s no rule saying you have to go right after high school.”
“I know,” Ezra responded, nodding again. “I know I could be a mechanic… I know I could go to some trade school and become a blue collar worker and make good money… but I don’t want that, either. The only thing I want to do is play music but the chances of actually getting successful enough to make a living like that are too small, and I’d have to start over from scratch with a new band.” He sighed again and shook his head, his eyes far away. “I can’t just sit around waiting for something that’s never gonna happen.”
“Don’t say that,” David told him, shaking his head again at his words. “I know that you don’t seem to think you’re worth much of anything but you are so talented.” Ezra shook his head a little and looked away and David sat up suddenly, demanding, “Ezra, listen to me.” Ezra sat up and looked at him and David grabbed his face in both hands, leaning close to him and staring into his eyes with a sad kind of desperation. “I saw you last night up on that stage. I had no idea you could sing like that, it was incredible. You have everything you need to make it as a musician. You have the skill and talent and the passion. I know that you’ll make it if you put in the work. I believe in you with my whole heart,” he told him, not once breaking eye contact.
Ezra didn’t speak but David could see in his eyes the way that his words had affected the other boy and how much what he’d said meant to him. “Please believe in yourself even half as much as I believe in you,” David begged him, his eyes tearing up a little as he did. “Come with me to New York. Get a job at a music shop or something. Make some new friends, start a new band, write music, do shows. Put everything you have into it and I know you’re gonna succeed,” he continued, his grip on Ezra’s face still firm and his eyes still begging for the other boy to listen to what he was saying.
After a few more seconds a weak smile turned up one corner of Ezra’s lips and he gave a small nod. “Okay,” he replied quietly. The relief that poured through David’s chest was overwhelming and he hugged Ezra, wrapping his arms around his neck and clinging to him like he had never held anything more precious to him. Ezra closed his eyes and hugged David back, an arm wrapping low around his back while the other cradled the back of his head, his fingers tangling in his hair. “But I’m serious, I’m paying for myself. You’re not gonna pay for me to live with you,” he insisted.
“How about a compromise?” David asked weakly, not loosening his grip around Ezra’s neck even slightly. “Let me cover rent. I’m gonna pay the same amount whether you’re there or not. Even if my mom was still alive, I know my parents would have been paying my rent and stuff through college, anyway. It’s seriously something I’m lucky enough to never have to even think about. You just cover your half of electricity and water and food and stuff, those are the only things that would get more expensive with you there.”
Ezra sighed a little but after a few seconds he nodded again. “Alright. I guess that makes sense,” he conceded, though it was clear in his voice that he still wasn’t comfortable with the idea.
“Besides, when you become a famous rockstar you’re gonna make way more money than me anyway and you can buy me a huge house with a pool and a hot tub,” David joked, though his voice still sounded like he was on the verge of crying.
Ezra chuckled softly and shook his head a little against David’s, giving a soft, “Deal.”
David finally pulled back, his hands sliding down to gently rest on either side of Ezra’s neck as he looked at him. “I’m not interested in building a life without you in it,” he said, his voice a little timid at the admission and how intimate and serious it was, especially given the fact that they had only been together for four months. He and Ezra had never spoken about their future together before and whether they saw their relationship lasting forever, but the idea of moving across the country without the other boy had solidified that knowledge for David, that he didn’t want to spend even a single day without Ezra for the rest of his life.
Ezra moved the hand from the back of David’s head to instead cup his cheek gently, rubbing his thumb against his skin with eyes that were deep and tender. “Neither am I,” he agreed, causing a soft pink tint to rise in David’s cheeks and making him smile sheepishly.
Unable to stop himself, David leaned forward and hugged Ezra again, though his grip was far less desperate this time and he wrapped his arms around the other boy’s middle instead of around his neck. He turned his face so it was pressed against Ezra’s shoulder and closed his eyes, enjoying the way that Ezra hugged him back and they simply held each other in silence for several minutes. As they sat there, David’s mind traveled back to what had happened at the show the previous night and the fact that Ben now expected them to tell Hunter about their relationship. He opened his eyes and looked out across his room, holding gently to Ezra as he said, “What are we gonna do about Hunter?”
Ezra sighed quietly and shook his head a little, responding with a soft, “I don’t know.”
“I’m scared,” David admitted, grasping him tighter.
“Me too,” Ezra replied softly. “But honestly I’m more scared of him getting desperate and trying something with you again. I know it’s been a while since he’s done anything but… I just have a bad feeling.”
Guilt at the secret he’d kept for the last week chewed at the pit of his stomach and suddenly David didn’t have it in himself to keep it in anymore. “Ezra… I need to tell you something,” David said, his chest clenching in fear. The tone of his voice told Ezra that whatever he was going to say was going to be serious and he pulled back, staring into his eyes with his brow furrowed. Faced suddenly with Ezra’s eyes boring into his own, David’s sense of fear increased and he bit his lip, leaning back a little, afraid that the other boy was going to be angry with him but even more afraid of what he would do to Hunter. “Last Saturday… Hunter kissed me,” David admitted, his voice barely coming out. Ezra’s face dropped and he stared at him blankly, hardly breathing. “I didn’t want it… I tried to push him away…” David whispered, his body shaking fully now.
Fury began to take over Ezra’s face and his chest began to rise and fall heavily but he didn’t speak, feeling so angry he wanted to grab something and smash it with his bare hands. “He asked me about my boyfriend and I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea to talk about it but he kept pushing it and asking questions even though I wouldn’t answer… and then he got gross and said I must have had sex with him based on the hickeys. I told him not to talk to me like that but he didn’t stop so I got up and walked away but he grabbed me and wouldn’t let me go. I got mad and told him how much I love you and how being loved by you made me realize I never loved him... and he got really mad… He told me I couldn’t say I didn’t love him like none of it meant anything a-and… he squeezed my arm really hard and held my wrist… And he wouldn’t let go of me even though I told him to and I told him he was hurting me. He reminded me that I kissed him back when he kissed me in September and told me I was letting my head get in the way of us being together again… and then he grabbed my face and kissed me.”
David looked down, feeling dirty and violated in a way he couldn’t put into words. “I tried so hard to get away from him but he’s just so much stronger than me,” David whispered, grabbing the arm that Hunter had bruised. “When he was holding my arm and wrist… he squeezed so hard that he left bruises. That’s why I didn’t want to do anything when I got back… A-and… I haven’t really felt sick this week,” he explained in a whisper, turning his head further down in shame at the fact that he had lied. “I just didn’t want you to see the bruises so… I lied.”
Ezra carefully grabbed David’s arm and David allowed his hand to fall away, looking down and watching as Ezra’s fingertips found the remnants of the bruises, small and faded and a soft yellow color that were barely visible at that point. He moved his attention next to David’s wrist and did the same, delicately finding what was left of his bruises and staring at them. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Ezra asked, his voice low and shaking as his eyes flicked back up to find David’s but David continued to look down, shame driving his desire to avert his gaze.
“I knew you’d go after him… and you’d end up telling him about us… and everything would fall apart,” David responded weakly. He heard Ezra sigh heavily and he looked up at him, begging with his eyes for the other boy not to be angry with him. “I just wanted to get through the rest of the year peacefully. I was honestly hoping we could just get away with never having to tell him. So I… I kind of went to his house and threatened him earlier this week,” he explained nervously.
“David,” Ezra said, his tone serious. “He hurt you and you still confronted him alone?” he asked as if it had been an incredibly stupid thing to do.
“I know it was stupid but I didn’t want to involve you. I told him I was going to pretend it never happened but if he ever touched or kissed me again I would tell you and Ben and Noah what he did… and I pointed out that you guys would definitely care,” David continued, his eyes going down again. “I figured I could threaten him into leaving me alone like I did the last time… when we broke up…”
Ezra shook his head again, staring at David despite the way he was looking away. “So what now then? You just want me to do nothing? Just pretend like this never happened?”
“Ideally? Yeah,” David responded honestly.
“What was he saying to you last night when we were unloading our gear?” Ezra asked, and David could tell this time not answering wasn’t an option.
“He apologized. He said he didn’t need forgiveness but he needed to say he was sorry and he regretted what he did,” David replied quietly. “It made me uncomfortable because I don’t trust him, for starters, and because I know what comes next. It’s like a pattern with him. I tell him my boundaries, he says he’ll respect them, he crosses the line, he says he’s sorry, and then he gets himself all worked up and crosses the line again. I’m just so sick of him.”
“Then why are we even bothering keeping up the lie?” Ezra asked, and David looked back up at him with sad eyes. “At first it was because we didn’t want to hurt him, and then it was because you wanted to try to salvage my friendship with him even though I didn’t care anymore… So what’s the reason now? He and I aren’t friends anymore. You don’t want to deal with him. Ben already knows. Why not just tell him and deal with it?”
“Because I know how violent it’s gonna be,” David breathed, his fear taking over his features. “And we still have two months left before graduation. Do you really think he’s not gonna make us miserable for the rest of the school year? I just want to graduate in peace, and I’d really rather he didn’t try to smash your face in.”
“But what if I do nothing and he comes after you again?” Ezra reasoned.
“I think he’s more likely to try something with me out of desperation if he finds out about us. I honestly feel like telling him only makes it more likely to happen,” David responded, and though he didn’t want to admit it Ezra could see the logic in his words.
“I’ll talk to Ben, then,” Ezra said, shaking his head at himself for agreeing to go along with David’s plan. “I’ll tell him why we can’t tell Hunter the truth, but you have to let me tell him all of it or he’s not gonna understand.”
David nodded reluctantly, giving a quiet, “Okay.”
Ezra sighed again, his frustration showing on his face as he said, “I don’t like this.”
“I don’t either… but I feel like it’s the best option we have,” David replied with a shrug. When Ezra was silent, another part of that Saturday came back to him and he felt he might as well share it, not wanting to keep any secrets from him. “Something else weird happened last Saturday,” he started, and Ezra looked at him with an exasperation that screamed he couldn’t possibly handle learning one more thing. “The reason I was able to get away from him was because… Pierre pushed him away from me and scared him off.”
“Who?” Ezra asked, confusion obvious on his face.
“Oh… I guess I never told you his name. My bully? I’m assuming you remember him,” David explained hesitantly.
“Oh… Yeah, somehow I don’t think I could forget him,” Ezra replied.
“So now Hunter thinks he’s my boyfriend and I kinda let him believe it…” David admitted, blushing and looking down.
Ezra sighed a little but nodded, touching David’s cheek gently as he said, “It’s kind of convenient, honestly. Takes some of the pressure off us.”
David nodded in agreement but kept his eyes down, blushing harder as he added, “I uh… I think you’re right about Pierre having feelings for me.”
“Oh god, what did he do?” Ezra asked, sounding exhausted.
“Nothing, he just got really mad at Hunter when he saw him holding and kissing me when I obviously didn’t want it, and he shoved him away every time he tried to come closer… He told him to leave before he kicked the shit out of him, and told him to stop looking at me and that he wasn’t gonna get to touch me again… And then he was just… really nice to me,” David explained slowly, sounding baffled at the memory.
“Jesus Christ,” Ezra groaned quietly. “I’m gonna put you in a bubble.”
David laughed a little at that, unable to help himself, and flashed Ezra a look of apology. “He took me home… and made me wear his jacket because it was cold and I didn’t have one… and he said he was sorry for everything he’d ever done to me,” he continued, knowing how it sounded and feeling guilty despite the way he hadn’t done anything to reciprocate the kindness he’d been shown.
“Okay, his crush on you just went from funny to annoying really fast,” Ezra grumbled, and David’s apologetic smile only grew.
“He said he and his girlfriend broke up and he said… ‘I guess you could say I was unfulfilled’. You really got under his skin,” David told him, hoping that Ezra would see the same humor in Pierre’s obviously intentional choice of words that he did.
To his relief Ezra chuckled wryly and shook his head, muttering, “I fucking knew it.”
“He asked me if I was still with you, and he remembered your name. He sounded pretty jealous when he said it,” David told him. “You are living rent free in his mind.”
“Well I guess that’s something,” Ezra responded with a sigh.
“He asked if I was happy and I told him I am and that I’m in love with you and that you’re really kind to me,” David said, reaching forward and grabbing Ezra’s hand.
Ezra smiled softly at him and locked their fingers together. “And what’d he have to say to that?” he asked, sounding as if he expected another confession of another guy forcing a kiss on him.
“All he said was ‘good’, and he seemed like he meant it,” David told him. “It was really weird. It was the first time he’s ever been nice to me. I honestly didn’t know how to even talk to him because I’m used to him shoving me in lockers and calling me a fairy and a princess and telling me I have a pretty little face...” Within seconds it dawned on David what he had said and his mouth fell open, his eyes looking off into space. “He always said I had a pretty face. Now that I think about it, he called me pretty all the time!”
Ezra laughed and touched David’s cheek, looking at him with endearment. “You’re so clueless,” he said, his words dripping with adoration.
“Oh my God, he really did like me that whole time!” David exclaimed, his mind blown by the realization.
“Well lucky for me he was really shitty at showing it,” Ezra said, and David looked back at him, smiling sweetly again.
“Yeah, somehow I don’t think he would have ever been my type,” David replied with an amused smile.
Ezra raised an eyebrow at him and smiled skeptically. “A hot, tall, rich, buff hockey player. You’re trying to tell me if he’d been nice to you, maybe a little charming, you wouldn’t have been into him?”
“First my dad and now Pierre? You really are getting into guys,” David teased.
Ezra rolled his eyes and muttered, “I’m not attracted to him, but I can see when another guy is clearly attractive.”
“I dunno,” David said playfully.
Ezra shook his head and grabbed David, tickling him and muttering, “You’re so annoying!”
David laughed and tried to push away his hands, squirming unsuccessfully in an attempt to escape him. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he giggled, laying back and kicking his legs.
Ezra laid down with him and stopped his tickling, instead wrapping his arms strongly around David’s waist and pulling him close. He smiled at him, his eyes tender and enjoying the sight of David’s frenzied laughter and the way he calmed down and looked back at him with his bright hazel eyes. When the moment between them became soft and they stared at each other meaningfully, Ezra reached up and ran his fingers through David’s short hair, brushing it away from his forehead a little. “We’re gonna be okay,” he said gently.
“You promise?” David asked, his smile faltering a little as some of his anxiety came back to him.
“I promise,” Ezra replied. He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on David’s lips, and David closed his eyes and gave a soft, happy sigh. For the moment his fear and sadness had been pushed to the back of his mind where he didn’t have to think about it and nothing else existed but Ezra’s arms around him and his lips against his. All of his anxieties were far from solved and they loomed just ahead on the horizon, but tucked safely away in his bedroom with Ezra, at least for that moment, he didn’t have to think about them. He could allow himself to get swept away, to be comforted by the other boy’s presence, and to tell himself that they truly would be okay no matter what came their way. If there was any truth to Ezra’s reassurance, it would be because they were going to handle it together, and as long as Ezra was by his side, David had to allow himself to believe that they could handle anything.
Author: shmorgenheigen
Chapter: Chapter 28
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 7151
Summary: David Desrosiers is a seventeen year old boy when his father unexpectedly sells his family home, forcing him to move across town and switch schools for his senior year of high school. Having always been the victim of homophobic bullying, the idea of transferring to a new school for his final year isn’t all that uninviting, though when he runs into his toxic ex-boyfriend on his very first day, he suddenly finds himself yearning for the bullying of his old school, instead. David does his best to persevere in the face of an ex that he’s terrified of, intent on keeping his head down and making it through his final year in peace so he can move onto college and begin his adult life.
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, didn't happen!
Author's Note: This is an alternate universe story based off of Behind the Net, Behind the Net (Pierre’s POV), and Behind the Net: Across the Distance (A Sequel) where David never joins the hockey team, he and Pierre never become friends and start dating, and instead David is single when he comes across Hunter, Ezra, Noah, and Ben. I had so much fun when writing the sequel to Behind the Net with Hunter and Ezra and the boys, and Pierre was certain at various points during the sequel story David would have forgiven and dated Hunter if he had been single when he met Hunter again, and also that David and Ezra would have fallen for each other if Pierre had never been in the picture. Curiosity led me to thinking way too much about what David actually would have done in a scenario where he and Pierre had never fallen in love. Without dating Pierre and all of the growth and healing he did over the course of their relationship, David would have been a very different person and would have reacted very differently to meeting Hunter again. Before I knew it I got inspired and had to write it. Pierre makes a few guest appearances as a boy from the same small town, of course, but this is not a Pierre/David story, and I think it may actually be my favorite story I’ve ever written. If you give this a read, leave me a comment and let me know!
This story begins in the year 2015
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
David’s mind hadn’t stopped spiraling in the hour and a half it took for Ezra to get to his house that night after the show. He sat on the couch with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, occasionally leaning his head down and grasping handfuls of his hair as his mind played him scenario after scenario of Hunter finding out about his relationship with Ezra, all of them ending horribly. He imagined Ezra telling Hunter they were together and Hunter coming unglued on him, beating him until he couldn’t stand. He imagined Hunter coming to his house and shoving his way in the door, grabbing him and screaming at him, forcing himself on him and not stopping no matter how hard he cried. He imagined Hunter holding him down and taking him, so obsessed with him that he couldn’t accept that David had moved on and unable to let him go. He had known all along that they were playing a dangerous game and that it was unrealistic to think that he and Ezra could continue to be together without Hunter ever finding out, but he had continued to put it out of his mind to worry about later. He hated that later had finally come.
He also couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he had just told Hunter how in love he was with the person he was with now, explaining how kind and gentle he was, explaining how he didn’t force him into sex, comparing him brutally to Hunter and making it known that the person he was with now was endlessly better than him. When Hunter found out that that person was Ezra, he knew all the things he had said would only make Hunter’s reaction that much worse. To know that they had sex, to know that David was in love with him, to know that Ezra’s love for him had made him realize that he’d never actually loved Hunter, all of it would drive Hunter insane.
David stood and began to pace, asking himself why he and Ezra had been so reckless as to go to the side of the building to make out when everyone was just on the other side of the wall, why they hadn’t just waited until they were safely behind his locked door, why they had been so impatient and stupid. It had started to feel like they were going to be able to make it through the end of the school year without anyone ever finding out about them, at which point everyone would have moved their separate ways. There were still a little over two months left in the school year; for Hunter to find out now left a lot of time for drama. Would Hunter find out, lash out and attack Ezra, and then simply leave them alone for the rest of the year? Somehow David didn’t think that was likely. He wondered how stressful their lives would be, and how often they would be bothered by him. He just couldn’t see Hunter giving up.
Then there was the question of Ben and Noah. What would happen with them? If Hunter was as awful as David worried he was going to be, would they still take his side? He knew what he and Ezra had done was wrong and selfish. He knew they should have stayed away from each other when they still could manage it and should have never allowed themselves to indulge in each other, but from the moment he’d realized he liked Ezra it had felt impossible to stay away from him. Being with Ezra was as easy as breathing, like he was the other half of his soul, like everything was perfect when he was around. He felt like they fit together as if they were two halves of the same whole, like they were made for each other. Was there any chance that Ben and Noah would be able to forgive them for their weakness, or would they drop them as friends entirely?
His mind went back to his acceptance letter to the Fashion Institute of Technology and what it would mean to accept and go to school in New York. He knew that Ezra had only applied to colleges in Alaska. David had applied for FIT just before his feelings for Ezra had been awakened and things had been such a whirlwind since then that he hadn’t thought about it again since he’d sent off the application. Now he imagined going off to New York and leaving Ezra in Alaska and the idea of it felt like he would be leaving half of himself behind. He had never felt for anyone the way he felt for Ezra, how could he leave him? But he knew the once in a lifetime opportunity he’d been given by the Fashion Institute of Technology, how could he give that up? To study where some of the best designers had studied? To give up the opportunities that would come with completing a fashion degree in New York City, the fashion center of America? It was everything he’d ever wanted and he’d been granted it, but now he didn’t see how he could take it. Just as strongly, he didn’t see how he could give it up.
Then he reminded himself that Hunter may have also been moving to New York. He had just gone to New York for his audition for Julliard and came back saying he felt like it went really well. What if he got in? David questioned the sanity of choosing to live in the same city as him, especially after what he had done to him just a week prior. He looked up the distance from FIT to Julliard, thinking they couldn’t possibly be that close to each other, but horrifyingly he saw that it was a twenty minute subway ride between the two colleges. What if they ended up on the same subway, or visited the same spot? He couldn’t imagine that Hunter would leave him alone if he ever saw him. If he found out where he had been accepted, would Hunter show up at FIT looking for him? Would he never be free of him?
David leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor, his knees up to his chest and his hands in his hair as his panicked thoughts got the better of him and he started to cry, taking ragged breaths and pulling his hair so hard it hurt. He wanted to hide under his bed and never come out, to never have to face any of these possibilities or decisions, to simply shut it all out and pretend that none of it existed. He wondered if it would really be so bad to just stay in Alaska, go to one of the Universities he’d been accepted into, and to forget about any possibility of New York, but he was terrified that if he didn’t take this opportunity he would regret it for the rest of his life. But what about Ezra? Would he not regret moving away from him? Wouldn’t moving away mean the end of their relationship? Could they survive long distance for two years or longer? It was all just too much to think about.
He heard his front door open and David looked up suddenly, his fingers releasing their grip on his hair, his face wet with tears, his mouth open and his chest heaving from his rapid breathing. Ezra took in the sight of him and immediately his expression changed to that of deep worry, shutting the door behind him, dropping his acoustic guitar to the ground, and walking over to where David sat on the floor. “Hey,” he said, his voice soft and soothing. He didn’t wait to pull David against his chest and to wrap his arms around him, holding his head with one hand and rubbing his back with the other. “Everything’s gonna be okay,” he said.
David clung to him, his fingers digging into his shirt, and he shook his head frantically. “No it’s not, nothing’s gonna be okay,” he said, his words spilling out too fast, his voice thick with tears. Without being able to stop himself David began to sob, spilling all of his worries in words that were hard to understand, getting lost in a panicked tangent of all of the thoughts that had spiraled out of control in the time he’d been home alone.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Ezra said, trying to calm him, pulling back and holding his face in both hands and staring sadly into his eyes. David was inconsolable, unable to stop crying, unable to stop spilling nonsensical words and fears, his body shaking and his breathing way too fast. “David, breathe,” Ezra tried again, but David shook his head and allowed his overwhelming sense of dread to consume him. Ezra gave up on trying to calm him and just pulled him against his chest again, holding him tightly and rocking his body gently. He stopped trying to tell him to calm down or to breathe or that everything was going to be okay, thinking that the only way for David to calm down was to simply get it all out until there was nothing left. Eventually David stopped speaking at all and just cried, clinging to Ezra as if he was the only thing holding him down to the Earth.
After what felt like an eternity David’s sobbing began to slow and quiet, though his body still shook and his fingers continued to dig into Ezra’s back. Then bit by bit, his grip loosened, his breathing regulated, and his body relaxed. When he felt David’s hands slip from his back and stop holding him at all, Ezra leaned back and peered at his face, seeing that David had fallen asleep, apparently drained of all energy by the panic attack he’d just had. Ezra closed his eyes and cradled him close, his heart aching at all of the pain and fear that David held inside of himself.
Ezra hated himself for doing this to David, feeling deep in the pit of his stomach that everything they were going through was entirely his fault. He had liked David so much that he had jumped at the chance to go over to his house and work on his car and hadn’t been able to stop himself from flirting with him, or standing up to his bully for him. Without that day, without those interactions, he didn’t think David would have ever seen the spark that existed so naturally between them, and without David reciprocating his feelings Ezra would have never made a move on him. The second David looked at him with those dazed eyes and looked at his lips like he wanted to kiss him, Ezra had been unable to stop himself from pursuing him. The way he had rubbed his knee and ankle against David’s under the table while telling his friends about the cute scrawny gay boy he stood up for, the way he’d held David’s hand under the table the second he was close enough to do so, the way he’d sat next to him at the skatepark and purposefully waited to leave until they were alone together, had touched his face and kissed him… He knew David would have never done any of that and their relationship wouldn’t have started without it.
The only thing he knew he wasn’t entirely responsible for was Hunter’s obsession with David, though he knew he had certainly made it worse by falling so obviously in love with him that even Ben and Noah had been able to see it. He wondered if Hunter would have gotten so desperate toward David if he hadn’t felt the direct competition from him, if he hadn’t seen hickeys on his neck and hadn’t learned that David had a boyfriend even though he didn’t know who that boyfriend was. Would it have been easier for Hunter to leave David alone if he hadn’t thought he was losing him to someone else? Ezra reminded himself that Hunter had forced himself on David and held him down and kissed him before any of this had happened and he knew that Hunter would have continued to try, though perhaps not so desperately.
When David’s breathing became deeper and his body relaxed completely, Ezra looked down at him again and wondered if he could move him without waking him. He moved his hands to be in a position to pick David up, pulling on him gently to test how deeply asleep he was, and when David didn’t so much as twitch in response Ezra thought it would be safe to try to move him. He got them up slowly and carefully, carrying David with an arm cradling his neck and shoulders and the other under his knees, glancing down at him occasionally to make sure he wasn’t stirring. He was able to get him to his bed and to lay him down gently. The moment he laid him down, David rolled on his side and curled into himself, his hand tucking under his pillow. Ezra pulled off his shoes but didn’t try to undress him further, worried that he would wake him and not wanting to disturb him now that he’d finally stopped crying.
He pulled the blanket over David’s body and climbed into bed with him, wrapping his arm around his body and pulling him in close. Without waking up, David cuddled into Ezra and nuzzled his face in his neck, taking a deep breath and letting it out as a sigh in his sleep. Despite the way David was fast asleep, Ezra felt wide awake, his mind going over all of the confused things that David had sobbed, and he felt guilt crushing him. One thing he couldn’t stop thinking about was how conflicted David was about going to New York, about how he clearly felt trapped between how much he wanted to go and how much he didn’t want to leave Ezra behind. Ezra couldn’t imagine how much it would hurt to have David move across the country, but he knew allowing him to give it up to stay in Alaska with him wasn’t an option. He didn’t know what the solution was and didn’t want to think about the possibility of trying to have a relationship long distance or breaking up, but he knew David’s future was in New York even if he had to make him go for his own good.
David didn’t wake until morning when the sun had come up and the room was bright. His head was pounding and his eyes felt heavier and stiffer than usual and it took him several minutes to work up the ability to open them. When he did he immediately took notice of Ezra sleeping peacefully next to him, and for a long while he just stared at him, the heavy feelings of the night before coming back to him and reminding him of how he had cried and the way Ezra had simply held him together. He reached up a hand and gently ran his fingers across Ezra’s face, loving everything about him from his long, shaggy black hair to his dark eyebrows and eyelashes to the shape of his nose and his lips. He had never felt so certain that someone was meant to be in his life as he was about Ezra, and the idea of losing him made him feel as if his heart was being squeezed in a vice, on the verge of caving in. Without realizing it tears began to stream silently from his eyes, traveling down over the bridge of his nose and falling onto his pillow. He loved him so much it made him want to scream.
The feel of David’s fingers on his skin pulled Ezra from his sleep and his eyes opened, staring at David for a moment before his brain clicked into place and he realized he was awake. He blinked a few times, beginning to process the sight in front of him. His hand reached up to grab David’s on his cheek and his eyes took in the devastated sadness in David’s eyes and the tears running down his nose and suddenly he was awake, though he didn’t move and he didn’t speak. His eyebrows pulled together and he stared into David’s eyes, the depth of his aching pouring from his own. The look in Ezra’s eyes was all it took for David’s chest to squeeze and his tears to fall faster, and he held tighter to the other boy’s cheek, hating the possibility that there could come a time where he wouldn’t be able to touch him like this. The fear of Hunter finding out about their relationship was temporarily pushed from his mind and the only thing that existed was the acceptance letter that sat on his desk and the idea of moving to New York without Ezra with him.
“I can’t go,” David whispered, his tears falling faster as the words left his lips.
“You have to go,” Ezra replied softly. “You wouldn’t even be questioning it if it wasn’t for me… You can’t stay here just because of me.”
“But I can’t be without you,” David said, his arm beginning to shake. “You make me feel complete… and safe… I can’t do it without you.”
“I can’t let you give up your dreams to stay with me,” Ezra reasoned sadly. “You got into the best fashion school in the country, David, that means something.”
“Come with me,” David suggested, his voice desperately hopeful.
“I’d love that but… what am I gonna do in New York?” Ezra asked. “All the colleges I applied for are here.”
“I don’t know…” David responded quietly. “You could start somewhere in Alaska and transfer. We could do long distance for a little bit.”
“Yeah… I guess I could do that,” Ezra said, nodding a little. “But… I also just don’t have the money to go to New York. I don’t have money waiting for me to go to college. If I go, it’s gonna be on whatever grants and student loans I can get. I don’t have anything set aside for me to help with living expenses, my family just… doesn’t have it,” he explained hesitantly. “I can figure it out in Anchorage or Fairbanks, I can get a weekend or night job to cover myself through school… but New York is one of the most expensive places to live in the country. There’s no way I could make enough working part time while going to school to support myself.”
“You don’t have to worry about living expenses, I kind of… already have all of that taken care of for me,” David admitted sheepishly, feeling like the time had come to explain an uncomfortable truth to Ezra that he hadn’t ever talked to anyone about.
“David, I can’t just live off of you and let you pay for everything,” Ezra argued quietly.
“It’s not me... It’s… my mom,” David started, his eyes easily displaying his discomfort at the topic. “She was a doctor… and she made a lot of money so… she had a really big life insurance policy in case anything ever happened to her,” he continued, blushing and looking down. “It was 1.5 million dollars… and when she died, half of it went to me. I get access to it when I turn 18. It’s gonna pay for all of my living expenses and… I’m still gonna have a lot left over even after I graduate. And on top of that, my parents started a college fund for me when I was a baby, so my school costs are gonna be completely covered.” He looked back into Ezra’s eyes nervously, feeling uncomfortable and a little guilty disclosing the fact that in just a few months he would have $750,000 that was his to use and that he didn’t have to worry at all about college tuition, especially given the fact that he knew Ezra’s family had no money.
Ezra’s eyes were a little wider than normal as he processed what David had just told him, but quickly the shock at the mind boggling dollar amount wore off and he was shaking his head, his eyes again displaying sadness as he replied, “I’m not gonna live off of your mom’s life insurance money.”
“I’m already using it though. Whether you come with me or not, I’m gonna be using it for all the same things. What difference does it make if you’re there too?” David argued gently. When Ezra didn’t respond and just continued to look uncomfortable and sad, David started to feel desperation building inside of him. “It’s not like I did anything to earn it, it was just given to me because something really bad happened. Why not let me use it to cover you too so we can keep being together? You can go to a school in New York and once we’re both graduated and working, things will even out and we can both contribute.”
“It just doesn’t feel right,” Ezra told him, his voice sad and soft. “If I do come with you, I’m gonna get a job and try to cover my own cost of living. I’m not gonna let you pay for my part of everything.” David bit his lip and watched as Ezra sighed softly and rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling with a contemplative expression. “Honestly, I still don’t know what I want to do. I applied to colleges because it’s what you’re supposed to do but… I don’t really even want to go,” he admitted quietly.
“You don’t have to go to college if you don’t want to,” David told him gently, watching as Ezra nodded though his expression didn’t change. “And if you decided you wanted to go down the line you could always go then. There’s no rule saying you have to go right after high school.”
“I know,” Ezra responded, nodding again. “I know I could be a mechanic… I know I could go to some trade school and become a blue collar worker and make good money… but I don’t want that, either. The only thing I want to do is play music but the chances of actually getting successful enough to make a living like that are too small, and I’d have to start over from scratch with a new band.” He sighed again and shook his head, his eyes far away. “I can’t just sit around waiting for something that’s never gonna happen.”
“Don’t say that,” David told him, shaking his head again at his words. “I know that you don’t seem to think you’re worth much of anything but you are so talented.” Ezra shook his head a little and looked away and David sat up suddenly, demanding, “Ezra, listen to me.” Ezra sat up and looked at him and David grabbed his face in both hands, leaning close to him and staring into his eyes with a sad kind of desperation. “I saw you last night up on that stage. I had no idea you could sing like that, it was incredible. You have everything you need to make it as a musician. You have the skill and talent and the passion. I know that you’ll make it if you put in the work. I believe in you with my whole heart,” he told him, not once breaking eye contact.
Ezra didn’t speak but David could see in his eyes the way that his words had affected the other boy and how much what he’d said meant to him. “Please believe in yourself even half as much as I believe in you,” David begged him, his eyes tearing up a little as he did. “Come with me to New York. Get a job at a music shop or something. Make some new friends, start a new band, write music, do shows. Put everything you have into it and I know you’re gonna succeed,” he continued, his grip on Ezra’s face still firm and his eyes still begging for the other boy to listen to what he was saying.
After a few more seconds a weak smile turned up one corner of Ezra’s lips and he gave a small nod. “Okay,” he replied quietly. The relief that poured through David’s chest was overwhelming and he hugged Ezra, wrapping his arms around his neck and clinging to him like he had never held anything more precious to him. Ezra closed his eyes and hugged David back, an arm wrapping low around his back while the other cradled the back of his head, his fingers tangling in his hair. “But I’m serious, I’m paying for myself. You’re not gonna pay for me to live with you,” he insisted.
“How about a compromise?” David asked weakly, not loosening his grip around Ezra’s neck even slightly. “Let me cover rent. I’m gonna pay the same amount whether you’re there or not. Even if my mom was still alive, I know my parents would have been paying my rent and stuff through college, anyway. It’s seriously something I’m lucky enough to never have to even think about. You just cover your half of electricity and water and food and stuff, those are the only things that would get more expensive with you there.”
Ezra sighed a little but after a few seconds he nodded again. “Alright. I guess that makes sense,” he conceded, though it was clear in his voice that he still wasn’t comfortable with the idea.
“Besides, when you become a famous rockstar you’re gonna make way more money than me anyway and you can buy me a huge house with a pool and a hot tub,” David joked, though his voice still sounded like he was on the verge of crying.
Ezra chuckled softly and shook his head a little against David’s, giving a soft, “Deal.”
David finally pulled back, his hands sliding down to gently rest on either side of Ezra’s neck as he looked at him. “I’m not interested in building a life without you in it,” he said, his voice a little timid at the admission and how intimate and serious it was, especially given the fact that they had only been together for four months. He and Ezra had never spoken about their future together before and whether they saw their relationship lasting forever, but the idea of moving across the country without the other boy had solidified that knowledge for David, that he didn’t want to spend even a single day without Ezra for the rest of his life.
Ezra moved the hand from the back of David’s head to instead cup his cheek gently, rubbing his thumb against his skin with eyes that were deep and tender. “Neither am I,” he agreed, causing a soft pink tint to rise in David’s cheeks and making him smile sheepishly.
Unable to stop himself, David leaned forward and hugged Ezra again, though his grip was far less desperate this time and he wrapped his arms around the other boy’s middle instead of around his neck. He turned his face so it was pressed against Ezra’s shoulder and closed his eyes, enjoying the way that Ezra hugged him back and they simply held each other in silence for several minutes. As they sat there, David’s mind traveled back to what had happened at the show the previous night and the fact that Ben now expected them to tell Hunter about their relationship. He opened his eyes and looked out across his room, holding gently to Ezra as he said, “What are we gonna do about Hunter?”
Ezra sighed quietly and shook his head a little, responding with a soft, “I don’t know.”
“I’m scared,” David admitted, grasping him tighter.
“Me too,” Ezra replied softly. “But honestly I’m more scared of him getting desperate and trying something with you again. I know it’s been a while since he’s done anything but… I just have a bad feeling.”
Guilt at the secret he’d kept for the last week chewed at the pit of his stomach and suddenly David didn’t have it in himself to keep it in anymore. “Ezra… I need to tell you something,” David said, his chest clenching in fear. The tone of his voice told Ezra that whatever he was going to say was going to be serious and he pulled back, staring into his eyes with his brow furrowed. Faced suddenly with Ezra’s eyes boring into his own, David’s sense of fear increased and he bit his lip, leaning back a little, afraid that the other boy was going to be angry with him but even more afraid of what he would do to Hunter. “Last Saturday… Hunter kissed me,” David admitted, his voice barely coming out. Ezra’s face dropped and he stared at him blankly, hardly breathing. “I didn’t want it… I tried to push him away…” David whispered, his body shaking fully now.
Fury began to take over Ezra’s face and his chest began to rise and fall heavily but he didn’t speak, feeling so angry he wanted to grab something and smash it with his bare hands. “He asked me about my boyfriend and I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea to talk about it but he kept pushing it and asking questions even though I wouldn’t answer… and then he got gross and said I must have had sex with him based on the hickeys. I told him not to talk to me like that but he didn’t stop so I got up and walked away but he grabbed me and wouldn’t let me go. I got mad and told him how much I love you and how being loved by you made me realize I never loved him... and he got really mad… He told me I couldn’t say I didn’t love him like none of it meant anything a-and… he squeezed my arm really hard and held my wrist… And he wouldn’t let go of me even though I told him to and I told him he was hurting me. He reminded me that I kissed him back when he kissed me in September and told me I was letting my head get in the way of us being together again… and then he grabbed my face and kissed me.”
David looked down, feeling dirty and violated in a way he couldn’t put into words. “I tried so hard to get away from him but he’s just so much stronger than me,” David whispered, grabbing the arm that Hunter had bruised. “When he was holding my arm and wrist… he squeezed so hard that he left bruises. That’s why I didn’t want to do anything when I got back… A-and… I haven’t really felt sick this week,” he explained in a whisper, turning his head further down in shame at the fact that he had lied. “I just didn’t want you to see the bruises so… I lied.”
Ezra carefully grabbed David’s arm and David allowed his hand to fall away, looking down and watching as Ezra’s fingertips found the remnants of the bruises, small and faded and a soft yellow color that were barely visible at that point. He moved his attention next to David’s wrist and did the same, delicately finding what was left of his bruises and staring at them. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Ezra asked, his voice low and shaking as his eyes flicked back up to find David’s but David continued to look down, shame driving his desire to avert his gaze.
“I knew you’d go after him… and you’d end up telling him about us… and everything would fall apart,” David responded weakly. He heard Ezra sigh heavily and he looked up at him, begging with his eyes for the other boy not to be angry with him. “I just wanted to get through the rest of the year peacefully. I was honestly hoping we could just get away with never having to tell him. So I… I kind of went to his house and threatened him earlier this week,” he explained nervously.
“David,” Ezra said, his tone serious. “He hurt you and you still confronted him alone?” he asked as if it had been an incredibly stupid thing to do.
“I know it was stupid but I didn’t want to involve you. I told him I was going to pretend it never happened but if he ever touched or kissed me again I would tell you and Ben and Noah what he did… and I pointed out that you guys would definitely care,” David continued, his eyes going down again. “I figured I could threaten him into leaving me alone like I did the last time… when we broke up…”
Ezra shook his head again, staring at David despite the way he was looking away. “So what now then? You just want me to do nothing? Just pretend like this never happened?”
“Ideally? Yeah,” David responded honestly.
“What was he saying to you last night when we were unloading our gear?” Ezra asked, and David could tell this time not answering wasn’t an option.
“He apologized. He said he didn’t need forgiveness but he needed to say he was sorry and he regretted what he did,” David replied quietly. “It made me uncomfortable because I don’t trust him, for starters, and because I know what comes next. It’s like a pattern with him. I tell him my boundaries, he says he’ll respect them, he crosses the line, he says he’s sorry, and then he gets himself all worked up and crosses the line again. I’m just so sick of him.”
“Then why are we even bothering keeping up the lie?” Ezra asked, and David looked back up at him with sad eyes. “At first it was because we didn’t want to hurt him, and then it was because you wanted to try to salvage my friendship with him even though I didn’t care anymore… So what’s the reason now? He and I aren’t friends anymore. You don’t want to deal with him. Ben already knows. Why not just tell him and deal with it?”
“Because I know how violent it’s gonna be,” David breathed, his fear taking over his features. “And we still have two months left before graduation. Do you really think he’s not gonna make us miserable for the rest of the school year? I just want to graduate in peace, and I’d really rather he didn’t try to smash your face in.”
“But what if I do nothing and he comes after you again?” Ezra reasoned.
“I think he’s more likely to try something with me out of desperation if he finds out about us. I honestly feel like telling him only makes it more likely to happen,” David responded, and though he didn’t want to admit it Ezra could see the logic in his words.
“I’ll talk to Ben, then,” Ezra said, shaking his head at himself for agreeing to go along with David’s plan. “I’ll tell him why we can’t tell Hunter the truth, but you have to let me tell him all of it or he’s not gonna understand.”
David nodded reluctantly, giving a quiet, “Okay.”
Ezra sighed again, his frustration showing on his face as he said, “I don’t like this.”
“I don’t either… but I feel like it’s the best option we have,” David replied with a shrug. When Ezra was silent, another part of that Saturday came back to him and he felt he might as well share it, not wanting to keep any secrets from him. “Something else weird happened last Saturday,” he started, and Ezra looked at him with an exasperation that screamed he couldn’t possibly handle learning one more thing. “The reason I was able to get away from him was because… Pierre pushed him away from me and scared him off.”
“Who?” Ezra asked, confusion obvious on his face.
“Oh… I guess I never told you his name. My bully? I’m assuming you remember him,” David explained hesitantly.
“Oh… Yeah, somehow I don’t think I could forget him,” Ezra replied.
“So now Hunter thinks he’s my boyfriend and I kinda let him believe it…” David admitted, blushing and looking down.
Ezra sighed a little but nodded, touching David’s cheek gently as he said, “It’s kind of convenient, honestly. Takes some of the pressure off us.”
David nodded in agreement but kept his eyes down, blushing harder as he added, “I uh… I think you’re right about Pierre having feelings for me.”
“Oh god, what did he do?” Ezra asked, sounding exhausted.
“Nothing, he just got really mad at Hunter when he saw him holding and kissing me when I obviously didn’t want it, and he shoved him away every time he tried to come closer… He told him to leave before he kicked the shit out of him, and told him to stop looking at me and that he wasn’t gonna get to touch me again… And then he was just… really nice to me,” David explained slowly, sounding baffled at the memory.
“Jesus Christ,” Ezra groaned quietly. “I’m gonna put you in a bubble.”
David laughed a little at that, unable to help himself, and flashed Ezra a look of apology. “He took me home… and made me wear his jacket because it was cold and I didn’t have one… and he said he was sorry for everything he’d ever done to me,” he continued, knowing how it sounded and feeling guilty despite the way he hadn’t done anything to reciprocate the kindness he’d been shown.
“Okay, his crush on you just went from funny to annoying really fast,” Ezra grumbled, and David’s apologetic smile only grew.
“He said he and his girlfriend broke up and he said… ‘I guess you could say I was unfulfilled’. You really got under his skin,” David told him, hoping that Ezra would see the same humor in Pierre’s obviously intentional choice of words that he did.
To his relief Ezra chuckled wryly and shook his head, muttering, “I fucking knew it.”
“He asked me if I was still with you, and he remembered your name. He sounded pretty jealous when he said it,” David told him. “You are living rent free in his mind.”
“Well I guess that’s something,” Ezra responded with a sigh.
“He asked if I was happy and I told him I am and that I’m in love with you and that you’re really kind to me,” David said, reaching forward and grabbing Ezra’s hand.
Ezra smiled softly at him and locked their fingers together. “And what’d he have to say to that?” he asked, sounding as if he expected another confession of another guy forcing a kiss on him.
“All he said was ‘good’, and he seemed like he meant it,” David told him. “It was really weird. It was the first time he’s ever been nice to me. I honestly didn’t know how to even talk to him because I’m used to him shoving me in lockers and calling me a fairy and a princess and telling me I have a pretty little face...” Within seconds it dawned on David what he had said and his mouth fell open, his eyes looking off into space. “He always said I had a pretty face. Now that I think about it, he called me pretty all the time!”
Ezra laughed and touched David’s cheek, looking at him with endearment. “You’re so clueless,” he said, his words dripping with adoration.
“Oh my God, he really did like me that whole time!” David exclaimed, his mind blown by the realization.
“Well lucky for me he was really shitty at showing it,” Ezra said, and David looked back at him, smiling sweetly again.
“Yeah, somehow I don’t think he would have ever been my type,” David replied with an amused smile.
Ezra raised an eyebrow at him and smiled skeptically. “A hot, tall, rich, buff hockey player. You’re trying to tell me if he’d been nice to you, maybe a little charming, you wouldn’t have been into him?”
“First my dad and now Pierre? You really are getting into guys,” David teased.
Ezra rolled his eyes and muttered, “I’m not attracted to him, but I can see when another guy is clearly attractive.”
“I dunno,” David said playfully.
Ezra shook his head and grabbed David, tickling him and muttering, “You’re so annoying!”
David laughed and tried to push away his hands, squirming unsuccessfully in an attempt to escape him. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he giggled, laying back and kicking his legs.
Ezra laid down with him and stopped his tickling, instead wrapping his arms strongly around David’s waist and pulling him close. He smiled at him, his eyes tender and enjoying the sight of David’s frenzied laughter and the way he calmed down and looked back at him with his bright hazel eyes. When the moment between them became soft and they stared at each other meaningfully, Ezra reached up and ran his fingers through David’s short hair, brushing it away from his forehead a little. “We’re gonna be okay,” he said gently.
“You promise?” David asked, his smile faltering a little as some of his anxiety came back to him.
“I promise,” Ezra replied. He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on David’s lips, and David closed his eyes and gave a soft, happy sigh. For the moment his fear and sadness had been pushed to the back of his mind where he didn’t have to think about it and nothing else existed but Ezra’s arms around him and his lips against his. All of his anxieties were far from solved and they loomed just ahead on the horizon, but tucked safely away in his bedroom with Ezra, at least for that moment, he didn’t have to think about them. He could allow himself to get swept away, to be comforted by the other boy’s presence, and to tell himself that they truly would be okay no matter what came their way. If there was any truth to Ezra’s reassurance, it would be because they were going to handle it together, and as long as Ezra was by his side, David had to allow himself to believe that they could handle anything.