Shattered Silence - Chapter 15
Title: Shattered Silence
Author: shmorgenheigen
Chapter: Fifteen
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4300
Summary: David Desrosiers is a seventeen year old boy when his father unexpectedly sells his family home, forcing him to move across town and switch schools for his senior year of high school. Having always been the victim of homophobic bullying, the idea of transferring to a new school for his final year isn’t all that uninviting, though when he runs into his toxic ex-boyfriend on his very first day, he suddenly finds himself yearning for the bullying of his old school, instead. David does his best to persevere in the face of an ex that he’s terrified of, intent on keeping his head down and making it through his final year in peace so he can move onto college and begin his adult life.
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, didn't happen!
Author's Note: This is an alternate universe story based off of Behind the Net, Behind the Net (Pierre’s POV), and Behind the Net: Across the Distance (A Sequel) where David never joins the hockey team, he and Pierre never become friends and start dating, and instead David is single when he comes across Hunter, Ezra, Noah, and Ben. I had so much fun when writing the sequel to Behind the Net with Hunter and Ezra and the boys, and Pierre was certain at various points during the sequel story David would have forgiven and dated Hunter if he had been single when he met Hunter again, and also that David and Ezra would have fallen for each other if Pierre had never been in the picture. Curiosity led me to thinking way too much about what David actually would have done in a scenario where he and Pierre had never fallen in love. Without dating Pierre and all of the growth and healing he did over the course of their relationship, David would have been a very different person and would have reacted very differently to meeting Hunter again. Before I knew it I got inspired and had to write it. Pierre makes a few guest appearances as a boy from the same small town, of course, but this is not a Pierre/David story, and I think it may actually be my favorite story I’ve ever written. If you give this a read, leave me a comment and let me know!
This story begins in the year 2015
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Going to school on Monday felt difficult for David and he dragged himself through his morning, hardly paying attention in his classes and finding himself continuously staring sadly at his papers or books in front of him without seeing them. He knew he needed to pull himself together and that he couldn’t allow Hunter to see him in such a state but it also felt impossible after experiencing Ezra in that way for the first time and having to give him up that same day. He felt haunted by the other boy’s touch and lips, unable to stop remembering how it had been to kiss him and be held by him, or the way it had made him feel inside, like he was burning and alive and dying all at once. He had never felt so right as he did being held by Ezra and couldn’t get over the stark contrast in the way it felt to kiss Ezra and the way it felt to kiss Hunter. That was what it was supposed to feel like to kiss somebody? Even when he and Hunter had been together, Hunter had pressured him and made him feel guilty and kissing him had been painful and uncomfortable and oftentimes overwhelming. His kisses were forceful and too strong. His tongue invaded the space of his mouth and left him no room to kiss back. Kissing Ezra had felt like an entirely different experience, soft and gentle, his lips and tongue meeting him in the middle and allowing him the space to reciprocate. David wanted it again so desperately he felt like it was going to kill him to resist.
When it was time to sit down for lunch, David took a deep breath and steeled himself to act normal. He sat down at the table with his tray, sitting next to Hunter and keeping his eyes down on his food. He glanced over at him and forced a smile before letting his gaze fall on his lunch, and though he didn’t feel like eating he forced himself to take a bite. Soon Noah and Ben were sitting down at the table as well and David did the same for both of them, smiling and not giving a verbal greeting, feeling incapable of it at that moment. He listened to Noah, Ben and Hunter talk though he didn’t really process what they were saying, allowing the sounds of their voices to pass over him as he struggled to keep himself from thinking of Ezra’s warm brown eyes and the deep sadness that had been in them. How would he look when he got there? Would he be able to act like nothing was wrong, or would his demeanor be different than it usually was? Not knowing made him nervous.
But lunch went by and Ezra didn’t appear, something which was noticed by the other three and was commented on randomly from time to time. His absence felt loud to David, like it spoke volumes about how he was doing, and he found himself wanting to search every hall and every classroom until he found him to see if he was okay. He couldn’t do that, however, and he knew that. He reminded himself of the way Ezra had looked and sounded when he’d admitted that he’d wanted to be with him for a long time, and how much more poignant his pain must have been as a result. He couldn’t be there for him romantically without hurting Hunter, and he could no longer console him as a friend after what they’d done together. He knew his only real option was to leave Ezra alone and to let him handle his heartache in his own way and in his own time. Still, he wished he could change it.
By the time lunch was ending they had still seen no sight of Ezra and David’s mind was far away as he discarded the mostly uneaten lunch on his plate, having been too occupied with thoughts of where Ezra was and what he was doing and how he was coping to finish his meal. He put his tray in the bin for dirty dishes and gave a wave to his friends, not offering any comment as he walked away. A few seconds passed and he felt a hand grabbing onto his arm and he knew it was Hunter, despite how many times he’d told the other boy not to touch him like this. David turned and looked up at him, trying to put a politely curious smile on his face to the best of his ability.
“Are you okay?” Hunter asked, and David felt his heart sink into his stomach.
“Yeah, why?” he asked, trying to sound surprised by the question as if the concern was unwarranted, but he knew how difficult it was for him to hide his feelings and the way they displayed across his face for all to see.
“You seem down,” Hunter said, and this time he didn’t release his grip on David’s arm like he normally might but instead his touch became tender and his thumb rubbed against David’s skin.
David pulled out of his touch as discreetly as he could manage and shook his head, working to put a more genuine, politely puzzled looking smile on his face. “Oh that’s weird. I guess I’m a little tired, I didn’t sleep super well. But other than that, I’m totally fine,” he lied, hoping that adding more explanation would help.
Hunter looked at him as if he didn’t believe him but nodded just the same, giving a quiet, “Okay, if you say so.”
“Yeah. I’ll see you later, I gotta get to class,” David said, and without waiting he turned and continued on his way, not wanting to give Hunter the opportunity to look at him any longer because he knew the longer he had to stand there the more likely it was that this very flimsy facade would start to crumble. The rest of the day his thoughts were entirely overtaken by Ezra, unable to stop himself no matter how much he knew he needed to.
The next day was much the same and again, David was nervous as he walked up to sit with his friends. He wondered if Ezra would show up for lunch that day or if he would avoid it again, though when a solid ten minutes had passed without seeing him, David had his answer.
“No Ezra again today?” Noah asked. David looked up and tried to look appropriately curious, not wanting Hunter to connect the dots and realize that David’s sadness had anything to do with Ezra.
“He said he’s got some class project he has to work on and he’s in the library. Kinda weird, he doesn’t usually put in that much effort,” Hunter explained, sounding a little uncertain.
“Maybe it’s a group project or something so he actually has to try,” Noah offered, and David gave a casual nod as if this made sense and looked back down at his food without comment.
He tried his best to just eat his lunch and not let it show how much he was hurting but he found it more difficult in Ezra’s absence again and he struggled more to force smiles no matter how hard he tried. He could see that Hunter was watching him and he tried to act normal, to force himself to eat his lunch, to occasionally smile and nod, but at the end of the lunch period he hadn’t said a word, he had only managed a couple non-convincing smiles, and his food was over half uneaten. It all made him feel a little sick.
The next day went the same, and then the day after that, and with each passing day that Ezra avoided him David struggled harder to pretend that he wasn’t falling apart. He could feel Hunter’s eyes on him more and more and he told himself that he had to pull himself together, that he couldn’t let himself so visibly fall apart in front of Hunter’s eyes or he ran the risk of the other boy connecting the dots between his sadness and Ezra’s absence. They had made the decision to not give into their temptation for each other for Hunter’s sake, so letting him find out that something had happened between them because he was sad over what they had given up was not something he wanted to let happen. Doing so would have made the sacrifice entirely pointless.
By the time Friday came around, David felt the lowest he had in a great long while and the smile he forced was so weak that he knew it wouldn’t fool anyone. He felt so deeply sad and was hurting so much that he sat down without lunch, not wanting to waste his money on something he wasn’t going to eat and that was just going to make him feel sick, anyway. That day Hunter had sat at a booth and again guilt caused David to sit on the opposite side of the table as him, not wanting to be so near to him that the other boy would be able to easily reach over and touch him. He just pulled out his sketchpad and opened to a new page, skipping intentionally past the page with the drawing of Ezra, unable to handle looking at it.
He felt someone sliding into the booth and sitting next to him and he glanced over out of instinct, and immediately he registered that it was Ezra. He could feel the way his face lit up with recognition though quickly he forced it blank again and gave a tiny nod before looking back down to the design he had started, spending entirely too long on the form out of a lack of creative expression in that moment. Just that small second of looking into Ezra’s eyes had been enough to make David feel as if his chest was being crushed and he struggled to push it away.
“He rejoins us at last,” Hunter said with a smile, and David heard the half-hearted chuckle that came from Ezra and the muttered comment in return. Soon Ben and Noah joined them and the four engaged in their own conversation around him, though Ezra was significantly less animated and talkative than he usually was. Ezra had a way of dominating and driving the conversation and an ease about him that kept things goofy and not serious. David could hear and feel the way those traits were dulled in him, however, and it made him want to cry but he kept his eyes on the page in front of him and refused to look up, resorting to doing nothing other than doodling loops over and over, connected in a single line without picking up his pencil, his expression completely drained and making him look exhausted.
“Hey David, are you okay?” he heard Ben ask and David looked up at him suddenly, his cheeks flushing a little and his eyes wider than they should have been. He could see that all eyes were on him and it made him want to slink away and disappear.
“Huh? Yeah I’m fine,” he lied, his voice higher than usual. He looked back down to the page in front of him, seeing that he had covered an entire corner in so many of those loops that it practically blacked out the corner. He heard Hunter begin to speak and panic gripped at his chest, and without thinking he exclaimed, “Oh crap, I forgot a book in class. I gotta go get that.”
Ezra stood without speaking and gave him a nod, and David scooted out of the booth, grabbed his bag and his sketchpad, and started to walk away. He didn’t get more than four steps before he felt Hunter’s hand on his arm, pulling him back around.
“Seriously, what’s going on with you?” Hunter asked, his voice loud enough that the others would undoubtedly be able to hear.
David just shook his head and furrowed his brow, saying, “Nothing. I’m just tired, I’m fine.” He turned to walk away but Hunter’s hand on his arm kept him in place and he was pulled back, Hunter clearly not convinced.
“I don’t buy it, you’ve been down all week,” Hunter pointed out. David swallowed hard and shook his head but Hunter pulled on his arm and shook his head back. “Stop, just tell me what’s wrong,” he said forcefully, sounding impatient.
David could see that Hunter wasn’t going to let him go without explanation and after several seconds he sighed and looked down. “Look… I’ve just… I’ve got some personal stuff going on right now, okay? It’s fine but… I’m not ready to talk about it yet. I might just… be down for a bit.”
Hunter didn’t respond and after a few seconds David looked up at him nervously, wondering if he was going to allow this excuse. He could see that Hunter wasn’t pleased with not getting a concrete answer but David could also see that he was going to accept it and stop pushing. “Okay… but just… you know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Hunter asked hesitantly.
David nodded and forced a weak smile, saying, “I know.”
Hunter released his grip on David’s arm finally and turned, and as he did David got a clear shot of Ezra who was watching him with a blank expression, though his eyes betrayed his anguish in a way that made David want to die. He turned around and continued walking, back in the direction of the last classroom he’d been in because of the excuse he’d given. He wandered down the hall meaninglessly, looking down at the floor and allowing his despair to be visible on his face now that there was no one around to see, and eventually came to a stop without thinking about it. He took a step to the side and leaned his head against the wall, feeling like his heart was shredding apart inside of his chest as he thought back to Ezra’s eyes on him and the way he’d been able to see how sad he was in them.
After several minutes David felt the lightest touch on his pinky finger and he gasped and spun around, his eyes searching wildly for what had just touched him. Too quickly he saw the tall boy in front of him with his long, shaggy, black hair and his honey brown eyes that were pouring heartache. David leaned with his back against the wall and stared at him, his eyes returning Ezra’s sadness but speaking no words. Ezra took a step toward him and slowly he reached his hand forward, hooking his index finger timidly on David’s pinky finger without breaking eye contact.
“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you,” Ezra told him, his voice hesitant and soft.
David shook his head, and even though he wanted to look away he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “I understand,” he said simply.
Ezra’s fingers moved further over and cautiously he grasped David’s hand, locking their fingers together in a move that brought butterflies to David’s stomach and pain to his chest. “I didn’t think I could hide how much…” he started, but he trailed off and looked down, squeezing David’s hand with his fingers.
“I’ve been trying and failing miserably… clearly,” David replied quietly. “I missed you,” he added, though he knew he shouldn’t.
Ezra took another step forward so their bodies were touching and he moved his other hand to hold David’s cheek, staring into his eyes and allowing the full depth of his sorrow to show in them. David could feel the tears stinging in his eyes and he tilted his head down, afraid Ezra was going to kiss him no matter how much they both knew that they shouldn’t. “I missed you too,” he replied gently.
David felt their foreheads connect, felt Ezra lean his face to the side, felt his nose graze his own, and he squeezed his eyes shut tight and turned his face down and to the side, leaning his temple against Ezra’s lips and shaking his head slowly. “It’s only gonna get harder to stop if we give in every time we miss each other,” David tried to reason with him.
“I feel like I’m going crazy,” Ezra whispered, the sound of which raised goosebumps on David’s skin. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“I know the feeling,” David replied, before biting his lip and leaning forward to rest the side of his face against Ezra’s chest. The hand Ezra held on his cheek moved to cradle his head and he leaned down, placing a gentle kiss on his hair. David closed his eyes tighter and squeezed Ezra’s hand, wanting with everything inside of him to give in and lean up to kiss him but knowing how much worse it would all be if he did.
“Can’t we just…?” Ezra started but David shook his head against his chest.
“I can’t let you throw away your friendship with Hunter to be with me,” David told him, hating saying the other boy’s name but knowing they both needed to hear it and to remember him.
“If it means throwing away something real with you…” Ezra started, and David couldn’t stop himself as he reached his other arm around and dug his fingers into the taller boy’s back. “I don’t know how anything can be worse than this.”
“Then think about how much it’ll hurt him if he finds out,” David tried weakly.
“And what about how much we’re hurting?” Ezra asked him, but David just shook his head again. “I can see how much you don’t like it when he touches you or grabs you or forces you to tell him stuff you don’t want to. He doesn’t seem to care about how you feel, why do you care so much about how he feels?”
David pulled back and looked up at Ezra sadly, chewing on his lip. “Don’t let your feelings for me make you bitter toward him,” David told him quietly, and he could see how Ezra registered his words and the way they humbled him. “Honestly, I’m less worried about my friendship with him than I am about yours. And yeah, I don’t want to hurt him even though he hurt me a lot when we were together. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and I still feel wrong being with you when I know how much it would kill him to lose me to his best friend, even though he will never get to have me and I will never have feelings for him again. It’s still just… wrong.”
“Am I a bad person for wanting to be with you anyway?” Ezra asked, his voice weak.
David shook his head, offering a weak smile. “No, you’re just human,” he responded softly. “But if you can’t hold back for your own sake, I can do it for you… because I care about you too much to let you throw it away for me.” Ezra averted his eyes and nodded, though neither of them dropped their held hands and neither moved to walk away. “You should go back to lunch,” David told him sadly, and Ezra nodded again but didn’t look up. “And I’ll come back a little bit after you. And… even though it hurts… we have to try to be normal.”
“I don’t know what normal is anymore. Nothing feels right,” Ezra admitted.
David wanted to hug him again but he told himself it would only hurt Ezra worse and he resisted with everything he had. “We’ll have to figure it out,” David said slowly. “Just… give it some time. Maybe it’ll feel hard right now but eventually you’ll stop feeling anything for me.”
At these words Ezra looked back into David’s eyes, his own eyes serious and pain on his features. “Don’t think so little of yourself,” he said quietly, giving David’s hand another squeeze. And with that he pulled away and turned to leave, not looking back as he walked down the hallway.
David pulled his hand up and held it against his chest as he watched him walk away, his mind reeling with what Ezra had just said to him. He wondered at the depth of Ezra’s feelings for him and how he could possibly see so much in him, especially after having known him for such a short amount of time and spending next to no time alone together. What he had done that had made such an impression he couldn’t fathom, unable to see in himself whatever it was that had drawn the other boy to him long before he’d even been aware of it.
He waited several minutes before returning to sit with his friends, this time sliding into the booth next to Ezra and sitting on the outside as Ezra had already taken the seat he had previously occupied. Everyone gave him odd looks as he sat down and he reminded himself that Ben and Noah had most definitely heard his conversation with Hunter, immediately feeling awkward and embarrassed but he did his best not to let it show. Suddenly half of a homemade sandwich and an apple was pushed in front of him and David looked over, seeing Ezra giving him a smile that wasn’t quite right but was somewhat convincing to someone who hadn’t studied his face so well.
“What…?” David began to question.
“You don’t have lunch, you should eat something,” Ezra replied with a shrug and without another glance or word he began eating the other half of the sandwich he had saved for himself.
“Are you sure? It’s okay, I just wasn’t feeling that great,” David told him, feeling bad for taking his food.
“You’re a growing boy, you need sustenance,” Ezra joked lightly.
David laughed a little and gave a quiet, “Okay… Thanks.”
“I mean… you’re probably done growing but… you’re a boy… kind of,” Ezra teased, and there was laughter around them, laughter that was lighter than it might usually be and suddenly David remembered that there were others around them.
“Hey!” he protested, and this time the laughter was a little bit stronger. “I could grow more! Maybe I’ll hit a growth spurt, you don’t know,” he defended himself, ignoring the comment about his gender entirely, for the first time all week showing some levity.
Ezra snorted at him in response and glanced over with a look of amused disbelief, muttering a quiet, “Yeah, okay.”
“You’re just freakishly tall!” David threw back at him, trying to look offended but smiling all the same.
“And the ladies love that,” Ezra quipped back immediately.
David rolled his eyes and shook his head, muttering, “Yeah, okay,” in a deep, stupid tone that was meant to mock Ezra’s original response using these words. Nothing further was said and smiling to himself David turned back to the food in front of him, picking up the sandwich and taking a bite. He looked up and saw that Hunter was staring at him with his brow furrowed and a frown on his face. David watched as Hunter’s eyes flicked back and forth between Ezra and himself repeatedly, clearly feeling unnerved by the interaction they’d just had. David tried to keep his face from showing the sudden fear that had come over him and he focused on the sandwich as a distraction, though his mind was suddenly racing.
What was it about this conversation that Hunter disliked so much? Was it the way that they had both disappeared shortly after each other and had both reappeared in the same manner? Was it the way that Ezra showed concern for him and made him take half of his lunch? Was it the way that David had been able to eat without hesitation or difficulty at Ezra’s insistence when all week he had sadly poked at and ultimately thrown away his lunch? Was it the way that for the first time all week David spoken more than three words at a time and was able to joke lightly when the only thing that had changed was that Ezra was back at the table with them? Did Hunter feel the chemistry that existed so naturally between them, something that David realized now had always been there? The silence in the aftermath of their teasing conversation felt deafening and David worried that they had just revealed too much.
David had never been so happy for the lunch bell to ring as he was that day, ready to escape Hunter’s suspicious gaze as quickly as he could. He was careful not to pay extra attention to Ezra and did his best to sound casual as he gave his goodbyes, hoping that a quiet weekend to himself in his house would be what he needed in order to reset. He knew that for some reason or another, Hunter had just seen something between Ezra and himself and he knew he would have to be more careful in the future, intent on protecting Ezra’s friendship with Hunter no matter what it cost him or what he had to do. If he had to be sure to keep physical distance from him, he would. If he had to pretend Ezra was nothing more than a casual acquaintance to him, he would do that too. He couldn’t become lax, he couldn’t show how sad he was, and most importantly, he couldn’t flirt with Ezra again. Just as he had said he would, he would do it for Ezra since he didn’t feel capable of doing it himself.
Author: shmorgenheigen
Chapter: Fifteen
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4300
Summary: David Desrosiers is a seventeen year old boy when his father unexpectedly sells his family home, forcing him to move across town and switch schools for his senior year of high school. Having always been the victim of homophobic bullying, the idea of transferring to a new school for his final year isn’t all that uninviting, though when he runs into his toxic ex-boyfriend on his very first day, he suddenly finds himself yearning for the bullying of his old school, instead. David does his best to persevere in the face of an ex that he’s terrified of, intent on keeping his head down and making it through his final year in peace so he can move onto college and begin his adult life.
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, didn't happen!
Author's Note: This is an alternate universe story based off of Behind the Net, Behind the Net (Pierre’s POV), and Behind the Net: Across the Distance (A Sequel) where David never joins the hockey team, he and Pierre never become friends and start dating, and instead David is single when he comes across Hunter, Ezra, Noah, and Ben. I had so much fun when writing the sequel to Behind the Net with Hunter and Ezra and the boys, and Pierre was certain at various points during the sequel story David would have forgiven and dated Hunter if he had been single when he met Hunter again, and also that David and Ezra would have fallen for each other if Pierre had never been in the picture. Curiosity led me to thinking way too much about what David actually would have done in a scenario where he and Pierre had never fallen in love. Without dating Pierre and all of the growth and healing he did over the course of their relationship, David would have been a very different person and would have reacted very differently to meeting Hunter again. Before I knew it I got inspired and had to write it. Pierre makes a few guest appearances as a boy from the same small town, of course, but this is not a Pierre/David story, and I think it may actually be my favorite story I’ve ever written. If you give this a read, leave me a comment and let me know!
This story begins in the year 2015
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Going to school on Monday felt difficult for David and he dragged himself through his morning, hardly paying attention in his classes and finding himself continuously staring sadly at his papers or books in front of him without seeing them. He knew he needed to pull himself together and that he couldn’t allow Hunter to see him in such a state but it also felt impossible after experiencing Ezra in that way for the first time and having to give him up that same day. He felt haunted by the other boy’s touch and lips, unable to stop remembering how it had been to kiss him and be held by him, or the way it had made him feel inside, like he was burning and alive and dying all at once. He had never felt so right as he did being held by Ezra and couldn’t get over the stark contrast in the way it felt to kiss Ezra and the way it felt to kiss Hunter. That was what it was supposed to feel like to kiss somebody? Even when he and Hunter had been together, Hunter had pressured him and made him feel guilty and kissing him had been painful and uncomfortable and oftentimes overwhelming. His kisses were forceful and too strong. His tongue invaded the space of his mouth and left him no room to kiss back. Kissing Ezra had felt like an entirely different experience, soft and gentle, his lips and tongue meeting him in the middle and allowing him the space to reciprocate. David wanted it again so desperately he felt like it was going to kill him to resist.
When it was time to sit down for lunch, David took a deep breath and steeled himself to act normal. He sat down at the table with his tray, sitting next to Hunter and keeping his eyes down on his food. He glanced over at him and forced a smile before letting his gaze fall on his lunch, and though he didn’t feel like eating he forced himself to take a bite. Soon Noah and Ben were sitting down at the table as well and David did the same for both of them, smiling and not giving a verbal greeting, feeling incapable of it at that moment. He listened to Noah, Ben and Hunter talk though he didn’t really process what they were saying, allowing the sounds of their voices to pass over him as he struggled to keep himself from thinking of Ezra’s warm brown eyes and the deep sadness that had been in them. How would he look when he got there? Would he be able to act like nothing was wrong, or would his demeanor be different than it usually was? Not knowing made him nervous.
But lunch went by and Ezra didn’t appear, something which was noticed by the other three and was commented on randomly from time to time. His absence felt loud to David, like it spoke volumes about how he was doing, and he found himself wanting to search every hall and every classroom until he found him to see if he was okay. He couldn’t do that, however, and he knew that. He reminded himself of the way Ezra had looked and sounded when he’d admitted that he’d wanted to be with him for a long time, and how much more poignant his pain must have been as a result. He couldn’t be there for him romantically without hurting Hunter, and he could no longer console him as a friend after what they’d done together. He knew his only real option was to leave Ezra alone and to let him handle his heartache in his own way and in his own time. Still, he wished he could change it.
By the time lunch was ending they had still seen no sight of Ezra and David’s mind was far away as he discarded the mostly uneaten lunch on his plate, having been too occupied with thoughts of where Ezra was and what he was doing and how he was coping to finish his meal. He put his tray in the bin for dirty dishes and gave a wave to his friends, not offering any comment as he walked away. A few seconds passed and he felt a hand grabbing onto his arm and he knew it was Hunter, despite how many times he’d told the other boy not to touch him like this. David turned and looked up at him, trying to put a politely curious smile on his face to the best of his ability.
“Are you okay?” Hunter asked, and David felt his heart sink into his stomach.
“Yeah, why?” he asked, trying to sound surprised by the question as if the concern was unwarranted, but he knew how difficult it was for him to hide his feelings and the way they displayed across his face for all to see.
“You seem down,” Hunter said, and this time he didn’t release his grip on David’s arm like he normally might but instead his touch became tender and his thumb rubbed against David’s skin.
David pulled out of his touch as discreetly as he could manage and shook his head, working to put a more genuine, politely puzzled looking smile on his face. “Oh that’s weird. I guess I’m a little tired, I didn’t sleep super well. But other than that, I’m totally fine,” he lied, hoping that adding more explanation would help.
Hunter looked at him as if he didn’t believe him but nodded just the same, giving a quiet, “Okay, if you say so.”
“Yeah. I’ll see you later, I gotta get to class,” David said, and without waiting he turned and continued on his way, not wanting to give Hunter the opportunity to look at him any longer because he knew the longer he had to stand there the more likely it was that this very flimsy facade would start to crumble. The rest of the day his thoughts were entirely overtaken by Ezra, unable to stop himself no matter how much he knew he needed to.
The next day was much the same and again, David was nervous as he walked up to sit with his friends. He wondered if Ezra would show up for lunch that day or if he would avoid it again, though when a solid ten minutes had passed without seeing him, David had his answer.
“No Ezra again today?” Noah asked. David looked up and tried to look appropriately curious, not wanting Hunter to connect the dots and realize that David’s sadness had anything to do with Ezra.
“He said he’s got some class project he has to work on and he’s in the library. Kinda weird, he doesn’t usually put in that much effort,” Hunter explained, sounding a little uncertain.
“Maybe it’s a group project or something so he actually has to try,” Noah offered, and David gave a casual nod as if this made sense and looked back down at his food without comment.
He tried his best to just eat his lunch and not let it show how much he was hurting but he found it more difficult in Ezra’s absence again and he struggled more to force smiles no matter how hard he tried. He could see that Hunter was watching him and he tried to act normal, to force himself to eat his lunch, to occasionally smile and nod, but at the end of the lunch period he hadn’t said a word, he had only managed a couple non-convincing smiles, and his food was over half uneaten. It all made him feel a little sick.
The next day went the same, and then the day after that, and with each passing day that Ezra avoided him David struggled harder to pretend that he wasn’t falling apart. He could feel Hunter’s eyes on him more and more and he told himself that he had to pull himself together, that he couldn’t let himself so visibly fall apart in front of Hunter’s eyes or he ran the risk of the other boy connecting the dots between his sadness and Ezra’s absence. They had made the decision to not give into their temptation for each other for Hunter’s sake, so letting him find out that something had happened between them because he was sad over what they had given up was not something he wanted to let happen. Doing so would have made the sacrifice entirely pointless.
By the time Friday came around, David felt the lowest he had in a great long while and the smile he forced was so weak that he knew it wouldn’t fool anyone. He felt so deeply sad and was hurting so much that he sat down without lunch, not wanting to waste his money on something he wasn’t going to eat and that was just going to make him feel sick, anyway. That day Hunter had sat at a booth and again guilt caused David to sit on the opposite side of the table as him, not wanting to be so near to him that the other boy would be able to easily reach over and touch him. He just pulled out his sketchpad and opened to a new page, skipping intentionally past the page with the drawing of Ezra, unable to handle looking at it.
He felt someone sliding into the booth and sitting next to him and he glanced over out of instinct, and immediately he registered that it was Ezra. He could feel the way his face lit up with recognition though quickly he forced it blank again and gave a tiny nod before looking back down to the design he had started, spending entirely too long on the form out of a lack of creative expression in that moment. Just that small second of looking into Ezra’s eyes had been enough to make David feel as if his chest was being crushed and he struggled to push it away.
“He rejoins us at last,” Hunter said with a smile, and David heard the half-hearted chuckle that came from Ezra and the muttered comment in return. Soon Ben and Noah joined them and the four engaged in their own conversation around him, though Ezra was significantly less animated and talkative than he usually was. Ezra had a way of dominating and driving the conversation and an ease about him that kept things goofy and not serious. David could hear and feel the way those traits were dulled in him, however, and it made him want to cry but he kept his eyes on the page in front of him and refused to look up, resorting to doing nothing other than doodling loops over and over, connected in a single line without picking up his pencil, his expression completely drained and making him look exhausted.
“Hey David, are you okay?” he heard Ben ask and David looked up at him suddenly, his cheeks flushing a little and his eyes wider than they should have been. He could see that all eyes were on him and it made him want to slink away and disappear.
“Huh? Yeah I’m fine,” he lied, his voice higher than usual. He looked back down to the page in front of him, seeing that he had covered an entire corner in so many of those loops that it practically blacked out the corner. He heard Hunter begin to speak and panic gripped at his chest, and without thinking he exclaimed, “Oh crap, I forgot a book in class. I gotta go get that.”
Ezra stood without speaking and gave him a nod, and David scooted out of the booth, grabbed his bag and his sketchpad, and started to walk away. He didn’t get more than four steps before he felt Hunter’s hand on his arm, pulling him back around.
“Seriously, what’s going on with you?” Hunter asked, his voice loud enough that the others would undoubtedly be able to hear.
David just shook his head and furrowed his brow, saying, “Nothing. I’m just tired, I’m fine.” He turned to walk away but Hunter’s hand on his arm kept him in place and he was pulled back, Hunter clearly not convinced.
“I don’t buy it, you’ve been down all week,” Hunter pointed out. David swallowed hard and shook his head but Hunter pulled on his arm and shook his head back. “Stop, just tell me what’s wrong,” he said forcefully, sounding impatient.
David could see that Hunter wasn’t going to let him go without explanation and after several seconds he sighed and looked down. “Look… I’ve just… I’ve got some personal stuff going on right now, okay? It’s fine but… I’m not ready to talk about it yet. I might just… be down for a bit.”
Hunter didn’t respond and after a few seconds David looked up at him nervously, wondering if he was going to allow this excuse. He could see that Hunter wasn’t pleased with not getting a concrete answer but David could also see that he was going to accept it and stop pushing. “Okay… but just… you know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Hunter asked hesitantly.
David nodded and forced a weak smile, saying, “I know.”
Hunter released his grip on David’s arm finally and turned, and as he did David got a clear shot of Ezra who was watching him with a blank expression, though his eyes betrayed his anguish in a way that made David want to die. He turned around and continued walking, back in the direction of the last classroom he’d been in because of the excuse he’d given. He wandered down the hall meaninglessly, looking down at the floor and allowing his despair to be visible on his face now that there was no one around to see, and eventually came to a stop without thinking about it. He took a step to the side and leaned his head against the wall, feeling like his heart was shredding apart inside of his chest as he thought back to Ezra’s eyes on him and the way he’d been able to see how sad he was in them.
After several minutes David felt the lightest touch on his pinky finger and he gasped and spun around, his eyes searching wildly for what had just touched him. Too quickly he saw the tall boy in front of him with his long, shaggy, black hair and his honey brown eyes that were pouring heartache. David leaned with his back against the wall and stared at him, his eyes returning Ezra’s sadness but speaking no words. Ezra took a step toward him and slowly he reached his hand forward, hooking his index finger timidly on David’s pinky finger without breaking eye contact.
“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you,” Ezra told him, his voice hesitant and soft.
David shook his head, and even though he wanted to look away he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “I understand,” he said simply.
Ezra’s fingers moved further over and cautiously he grasped David’s hand, locking their fingers together in a move that brought butterflies to David’s stomach and pain to his chest. “I didn’t think I could hide how much…” he started, but he trailed off and looked down, squeezing David’s hand with his fingers.
“I’ve been trying and failing miserably… clearly,” David replied quietly. “I missed you,” he added, though he knew he shouldn’t.
Ezra took another step forward so their bodies were touching and he moved his other hand to hold David’s cheek, staring into his eyes and allowing the full depth of his sorrow to show in them. David could feel the tears stinging in his eyes and he tilted his head down, afraid Ezra was going to kiss him no matter how much they both knew that they shouldn’t. “I missed you too,” he replied gently.
David felt their foreheads connect, felt Ezra lean his face to the side, felt his nose graze his own, and he squeezed his eyes shut tight and turned his face down and to the side, leaning his temple against Ezra’s lips and shaking his head slowly. “It’s only gonna get harder to stop if we give in every time we miss each other,” David tried to reason with him.
“I feel like I’m going crazy,” Ezra whispered, the sound of which raised goosebumps on David’s skin. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“I know the feeling,” David replied, before biting his lip and leaning forward to rest the side of his face against Ezra’s chest. The hand Ezra held on his cheek moved to cradle his head and he leaned down, placing a gentle kiss on his hair. David closed his eyes tighter and squeezed Ezra’s hand, wanting with everything inside of him to give in and lean up to kiss him but knowing how much worse it would all be if he did.
“Can’t we just…?” Ezra started but David shook his head against his chest.
“I can’t let you throw away your friendship with Hunter to be with me,” David told him, hating saying the other boy’s name but knowing they both needed to hear it and to remember him.
“If it means throwing away something real with you…” Ezra started, and David couldn’t stop himself as he reached his other arm around and dug his fingers into the taller boy’s back. “I don’t know how anything can be worse than this.”
“Then think about how much it’ll hurt him if he finds out,” David tried weakly.
“And what about how much we’re hurting?” Ezra asked him, but David just shook his head again. “I can see how much you don’t like it when he touches you or grabs you or forces you to tell him stuff you don’t want to. He doesn’t seem to care about how you feel, why do you care so much about how he feels?”
David pulled back and looked up at Ezra sadly, chewing on his lip. “Don’t let your feelings for me make you bitter toward him,” David told him quietly, and he could see how Ezra registered his words and the way they humbled him. “Honestly, I’m less worried about my friendship with him than I am about yours. And yeah, I don’t want to hurt him even though he hurt me a lot when we were together. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and I still feel wrong being with you when I know how much it would kill him to lose me to his best friend, even though he will never get to have me and I will never have feelings for him again. It’s still just… wrong.”
“Am I a bad person for wanting to be with you anyway?” Ezra asked, his voice weak.
David shook his head, offering a weak smile. “No, you’re just human,” he responded softly. “But if you can’t hold back for your own sake, I can do it for you… because I care about you too much to let you throw it away for me.” Ezra averted his eyes and nodded, though neither of them dropped their held hands and neither moved to walk away. “You should go back to lunch,” David told him sadly, and Ezra nodded again but didn’t look up. “And I’ll come back a little bit after you. And… even though it hurts… we have to try to be normal.”
“I don’t know what normal is anymore. Nothing feels right,” Ezra admitted.
David wanted to hug him again but he told himself it would only hurt Ezra worse and he resisted with everything he had. “We’ll have to figure it out,” David said slowly. “Just… give it some time. Maybe it’ll feel hard right now but eventually you’ll stop feeling anything for me.”
At these words Ezra looked back into David’s eyes, his own eyes serious and pain on his features. “Don’t think so little of yourself,” he said quietly, giving David’s hand another squeeze. And with that he pulled away and turned to leave, not looking back as he walked down the hallway.
David pulled his hand up and held it against his chest as he watched him walk away, his mind reeling with what Ezra had just said to him. He wondered at the depth of Ezra’s feelings for him and how he could possibly see so much in him, especially after having known him for such a short amount of time and spending next to no time alone together. What he had done that had made such an impression he couldn’t fathom, unable to see in himself whatever it was that had drawn the other boy to him long before he’d even been aware of it.
He waited several minutes before returning to sit with his friends, this time sliding into the booth next to Ezra and sitting on the outside as Ezra had already taken the seat he had previously occupied. Everyone gave him odd looks as he sat down and he reminded himself that Ben and Noah had most definitely heard his conversation with Hunter, immediately feeling awkward and embarrassed but he did his best not to let it show. Suddenly half of a homemade sandwich and an apple was pushed in front of him and David looked over, seeing Ezra giving him a smile that wasn’t quite right but was somewhat convincing to someone who hadn’t studied his face so well.
“What…?” David began to question.
“You don’t have lunch, you should eat something,” Ezra replied with a shrug and without another glance or word he began eating the other half of the sandwich he had saved for himself.
“Are you sure? It’s okay, I just wasn’t feeling that great,” David told him, feeling bad for taking his food.
“You’re a growing boy, you need sustenance,” Ezra joked lightly.
David laughed a little and gave a quiet, “Okay… Thanks.”
“I mean… you’re probably done growing but… you’re a boy… kind of,” Ezra teased, and there was laughter around them, laughter that was lighter than it might usually be and suddenly David remembered that there were others around them.
“Hey!” he protested, and this time the laughter was a little bit stronger. “I could grow more! Maybe I’ll hit a growth spurt, you don’t know,” he defended himself, ignoring the comment about his gender entirely, for the first time all week showing some levity.
Ezra snorted at him in response and glanced over with a look of amused disbelief, muttering a quiet, “Yeah, okay.”
“You’re just freakishly tall!” David threw back at him, trying to look offended but smiling all the same.
“And the ladies love that,” Ezra quipped back immediately.
David rolled his eyes and shook his head, muttering, “Yeah, okay,” in a deep, stupid tone that was meant to mock Ezra’s original response using these words. Nothing further was said and smiling to himself David turned back to the food in front of him, picking up the sandwich and taking a bite. He looked up and saw that Hunter was staring at him with his brow furrowed and a frown on his face. David watched as Hunter’s eyes flicked back and forth between Ezra and himself repeatedly, clearly feeling unnerved by the interaction they’d just had. David tried to keep his face from showing the sudden fear that had come over him and he focused on the sandwich as a distraction, though his mind was suddenly racing.
What was it about this conversation that Hunter disliked so much? Was it the way that they had both disappeared shortly after each other and had both reappeared in the same manner? Was it the way that Ezra showed concern for him and made him take half of his lunch? Was it the way that David had been able to eat without hesitation or difficulty at Ezra’s insistence when all week he had sadly poked at and ultimately thrown away his lunch? Was it the way that for the first time all week David spoken more than three words at a time and was able to joke lightly when the only thing that had changed was that Ezra was back at the table with them? Did Hunter feel the chemistry that existed so naturally between them, something that David realized now had always been there? The silence in the aftermath of their teasing conversation felt deafening and David worried that they had just revealed too much.
David had never been so happy for the lunch bell to ring as he was that day, ready to escape Hunter’s suspicious gaze as quickly as he could. He was careful not to pay extra attention to Ezra and did his best to sound casual as he gave his goodbyes, hoping that a quiet weekend to himself in his house would be what he needed in order to reset. He knew that for some reason or another, Hunter had just seen something between Ezra and himself and he knew he would have to be more careful in the future, intent on protecting Ezra’s friendship with Hunter no matter what it cost him or what he had to do. If he had to be sure to keep physical distance from him, he would. If he had to pretend Ezra was nothing more than a casual acquaintance to him, he would do that too. He couldn’t become lax, he couldn’t show how sad he was, and most importantly, he couldn’t flirt with Ezra again. Just as he had said he would, he would do it for Ezra since he didn’t feel capable of doing it himself.