Glimpse of Truth (Chapter 15) Unstable and New
Title: Unstable and New (15/?) (Part of the Truth series)
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Character/Pairing: Doctor/Rose
Rating: Teen
Genre: AU, drama, angst
Summary: Rose wants to know one important thing. She finds out more.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
Thanks: to momdaegmorgan for the beta.
Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4 (all ages version). Chapter 4 (adult version),
Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11,
Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14
"Why were you gonna drop me off in that other universe? With the Doctor?" Rose asked as soon as he sat down at the kitchen table.
Adjusting his glasses unnecessarily, the Doctor lowered his brows, squinting at the wires sticking out of the relay switch he was fidgeting with. To say this had come from out of the blue would be a serious understatement. "I-- I was giving you the life you wanted."
She scoffed lightly, though there wasn't any malice in the sound. "After I traveled with you for two years, you really thought what I wanted was a normal life? No space travel, no time travel... no planet hopping?" Sitting back, hand on her belly, she chuckled and shook her head, frustration evident in her voice. "What I wanted was you."
Eyes jumping to hers, he set the relay switch on the table.
"I wanted this life, Doctor. To be with you in the TARDIS, traveling, helping people, getting neck deep into trouble." Smiling a little, she tilted her head to the side. "How could I possibly want normal after that? Instead of that?"
Swallowing back his reply, he sat back in his chair with a sigh. Rubbing his hands over his face, pushing his glasses up out of the way, he rubbed his eyes hard. "Seemed like the right thing at the time. Thought you just wanted--"
"What, you?"
He halted his hands, then dropped them to his lap. His glasses fell back down and he pushed them back into place as he glanced her way.
Raising a single, curious eyebrow, she waited, fingers tapping her stomach.
Her belly was huge. She looked to be about ten months gone now, not six, and that concerned him a bit. He'd increased the number and frequency of sonograms but nothing appeared to be wrong. Everything seemed normal. She was progressing as she should be... for all that they knew. But he was working blind here. There was no precedent for this.
Humans and Gallifreyans didn't usually mate. There'd been a few, but he hadn't been involved and knew nothing of their medical cares and concerns. Besides, their children had been loomed.
"Yes," he finally admitted, eyes sliding back down to the relay switch. Scooping it up again, he fiddled with the wires sticking out of it. "I thought you'd be happy." Shrugging, he sniffed sharply. "I was wrong."
"You were wrong," she agreed, folding her hands on her stomach and lifting her eyes to his.
Feeling her gaze on him, he glanced toward her, only for a second, before resuming his busy work. Avoidance work now. "I'm s--"
"Thank you."
Frowning, surprise flowing through him, he breathed out and set the TARDIS part back on the table again. "What?"
"Well, if you hadn't tried to dump me back in Pete's World, I wouldn't have left, wouldn't have-- I might not have the baby, or..." she ducked her head down, lips pressing into a tight line before she looked back up, eyes suspiciously shiny. "I loved him, Doctor."
Hearts beating wildly, despite knowing she wasn't talking about him, he smiled, not having to pretend at all that he was happy for her. Part of that was quite possibly the other Doctor's feelings inside him. "Times fifty," he said softly.
Head jerking up, eyes narrowing on him, she sat up straighter. "What'd you say?"
Startled at her change in mood, he thought hard, trying to remember what he'd been thinking, wiping his dirty palms on his trousers, searching his mind. Ah. Times fifty-- oh.
Closing his eyes, he rubbed the back of his neck. Maybe it was time to tell her. Maybe he should lay it all out there. Would she be happy? Angry?
Hate him for possessing the memories of her dead lover?
"Eh, Rose, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. Probably should've told you a long time ago, but we haven't been on the best of terms, so--"
"He shared memories with you." Chuckling humorlessly, she shook her head. Tears slipped down her cheeks. "I mean, I knew he was doing it sometimes. When we were in danger--"
"When you were in danger," he clarified.
"Or, I don't know, when he was bored maybe. Angry." Lips curving up in a smile that had no joy in it whatsoever, she blinked back the tears. "I told him not to. That they were our private moments." Eyes finding his, she drew in a deep breath. "But he did it anyway, didn't he?"
This was one of those moments; be honest or lie. For her sake. No, if he were being honest, it was more for his own. He was torn. Their current relationship was unstable and new. He didn't know what to do, didn't know how she'd react.
"He showed me some things, yeah, but never as they happened. Only after. The first time you-- well, when you first had sex... afterwards, he was angry." There, nice simple admission. Certainly he could do more. "But, Rose, it's not just those memories. I've got all of them." Rubbing his forehead, watching her eyes widen, he struggled against the dull ache that was there. Always there.
"What?"
"When I collapsed, it wasn't just his mind closing off from mine, like I told you. It was--"
"His memories," she mumbled, shaking her head slowly. "No. But that's-- why would he do that?" She started to push to her feet with obvious effort, and he jumped up to help her, but she slapped his hand away. "Don't touch me. You're not him." The words were harsh, torn from her throat, terrible in the truth of them, and in the lie.
Bitterness stole through him and he laughed at the irony of it. Sitting down, resting his head in his hands, he caught her gaze, remembering this same conversation they'd had the day he'd planned to leave her behind.
He'd made love to her and assured her the other man wearing his face and his suit was him. But he'd known that wasn't true. She knew that as well, now more than ever.
"But I am him," he whispered, trying to convince himself as well as her.
Chapter 16
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Character/Pairing: Doctor/Rose
Rating: Teen
Genre: AU, drama, angst
Summary: Rose wants to know one important thing. She finds out more.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
Thanks: to momdaegmorgan for the beta.
Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4 (all ages version). Chapter 4 (adult version),
Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11,
Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14
"Why were you gonna drop me off in that other universe? With the Doctor?" Rose asked as soon as he sat down at the kitchen table.
Adjusting his glasses unnecessarily, the Doctor lowered his brows, squinting at the wires sticking out of the relay switch he was fidgeting with. To say this had come from out of the blue would be a serious understatement. "I-- I was giving you the life you wanted."
She scoffed lightly, though there wasn't any malice in the sound. "After I traveled with you for two years, you really thought what I wanted was a normal life? No space travel, no time travel... no planet hopping?" Sitting back, hand on her belly, she chuckled and shook her head, frustration evident in her voice. "What I wanted was you."
Eyes jumping to hers, he set the relay switch on the table.
"I wanted this life, Doctor. To be with you in the TARDIS, traveling, helping people, getting neck deep into trouble." Smiling a little, she tilted her head to the side. "How could I possibly want normal after that? Instead of that?"
Swallowing back his reply, he sat back in his chair with a sigh. Rubbing his hands over his face, pushing his glasses up out of the way, he rubbed his eyes hard. "Seemed like the right thing at the time. Thought you just wanted--"
"What, you?"
He halted his hands, then dropped them to his lap. His glasses fell back down and he pushed them back into place as he glanced her way.
Raising a single, curious eyebrow, she waited, fingers tapping her stomach.
Her belly was huge. She looked to be about ten months gone now, not six, and that concerned him a bit. He'd increased the number and frequency of sonograms but nothing appeared to be wrong. Everything seemed normal. She was progressing as she should be... for all that they knew. But he was working blind here. There was no precedent for this.
Humans and Gallifreyans didn't usually mate. There'd been a few, but he hadn't been involved and knew nothing of their medical cares and concerns. Besides, their children had been loomed.
"Yes," he finally admitted, eyes sliding back down to the relay switch. Scooping it up again, he fiddled with the wires sticking out of it. "I thought you'd be happy." Shrugging, he sniffed sharply. "I was wrong."
"You were wrong," she agreed, folding her hands on her stomach and lifting her eyes to his.
Feeling her gaze on him, he glanced toward her, only for a second, before resuming his busy work. Avoidance work now. "I'm s--"
"Thank you."
Frowning, surprise flowing through him, he breathed out and set the TARDIS part back on the table again. "What?"
"Well, if you hadn't tried to dump me back in Pete's World, I wouldn't have left, wouldn't have-- I might not have the baby, or..." she ducked her head down, lips pressing into a tight line before she looked back up, eyes suspiciously shiny. "I loved him, Doctor."
Hearts beating wildly, despite knowing she wasn't talking about him, he smiled, not having to pretend at all that he was happy for her. Part of that was quite possibly the other Doctor's feelings inside him. "Times fifty," he said softly.
Head jerking up, eyes narrowing on him, she sat up straighter. "What'd you say?"
Startled at her change in mood, he thought hard, trying to remember what he'd been thinking, wiping his dirty palms on his trousers, searching his mind. Ah. Times fifty-- oh.
Closing his eyes, he rubbed the back of his neck. Maybe it was time to tell her. Maybe he should lay it all out there. Would she be happy? Angry?
Hate him for possessing the memories of her dead lover?
"Eh, Rose, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. Probably should've told you a long time ago, but we haven't been on the best of terms, so--"
"He shared memories with you." Chuckling humorlessly, she shook her head. Tears slipped down her cheeks. "I mean, I knew he was doing it sometimes. When we were in danger--"
"When you were in danger," he clarified.
"Or, I don't know, when he was bored maybe. Angry." Lips curving up in a smile that had no joy in it whatsoever, she blinked back the tears. "I told him not to. That they were our private moments." Eyes finding his, she drew in a deep breath. "But he did it anyway, didn't he?"
This was one of those moments; be honest or lie. For her sake. No, if he were being honest, it was more for his own. He was torn. Their current relationship was unstable and new. He didn't know what to do, didn't know how she'd react.
"He showed me some things, yeah, but never as they happened. Only after. The first time you-- well, when you first had sex... afterwards, he was angry." There, nice simple admission. Certainly he could do more. "But, Rose, it's not just those memories. I've got all of them." Rubbing his forehead, watching her eyes widen, he struggled against the dull ache that was there. Always there.
"What?"
"When I collapsed, it wasn't just his mind closing off from mine, like I told you. It was--"
"His memories," she mumbled, shaking her head slowly. "No. But that's-- why would he do that?" She started to push to her feet with obvious effort, and he jumped up to help her, but she slapped his hand away. "Don't touch me. You're not him." The words were harsh, torn from her throat, terrible in the truth of them, and in the lie.
Bitterness stole through him and he laughed at the irony of it. Sitting down, resting his head in his hands, he caught her gaze, remembering this same conversation they'd had the day he'd planned to leave her behind.
He'd made love to her and assured her the other man wearing his face and his suit was him. But he'd known that wasn't true. She knew that as well, now more than ever.
"But I am him," he whispered, trying to convince himself as well as her.
Chapter 16