Now that my entire being isn't laser-focused on getting us to Boston... old past Issues and behaviors are resurfacing. I mean old, like early teens
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Right now I am all bloated from laparoscopic surgery and I'm barely eating, yet when I look in the mirror right now I am seeing myself as huge and thick. And it doesn't make any rational sense, because I weigh 100 lbs less than I did three years ago and I can wear clothes I wore in high school, when I thought I was absolutely humongous (and now I see pix of myself from then, I think I was thin and feel sad for my teen self), but it's so totally not a rational thing. So I'm just trying not to look in the mirror very much and trying to remember that the bloat will go away in a few weeks as the gas the surgeon used to inflate my insides dissipates. But it still sucks. After three years of really working on my head, I can still be thrown for a loop every time I think I've conquered the little voice in the back of my head and discover that I haven't yet, not quite.
Just one of the bits of damage the past few years have inflicted on me = I don't know what my body is supposed to look like anymore. I've never been able to judge my body as compared to the bodies of others - the curves I find attractive in other women would, on me, send that voice clear 'round the bend. And I can tell myself "This is idiotic - you find her beautiful, and you are skinnier than her, therefore you are not the baby beluga you think you are." But this is not a rational thing.
I don't recognize myself in the mirror. After years of hollow thin face and razor-slash cheekbones, my cheeks seem full, my face seems amorphous. There are layers of meat on my arms, my legs, my belly. I never really registered myself as being as skinny as I was at my lowest - pictures of me then shock me. That's not what I looked like in my head. But neither is this. So I can't really objectively tell if I'm okay.
This is me. All me. Every word. I'd like to link this to my ED recovery community, womenofthemoon if that's OK
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I know those voices well, and my former weight of 100 lbs was the result. The voices, they are fucked up and will only hurt you. You know this. I also know how compelling those voices are.
I still have some weird food issues, but had the good fortune to find a therapist who got it. I learned how to cook again and it went a long way towards changing my relationship to the food that I eat and I am not an excellent cook and I adore good food. It's not the tool that it used to be, it's something that can be enjoyed.
Find what works for you, and kick the voices out. I know you can do it. You know you can do it.
Comments 35
Right now I am all bloated from laparoscopic surgery and I'm barely eating, yet when I look in the mirror right now I am seeing myself as huge and thick. And it doesn't make any rational sense, because I weigh 100 lbs less than I did three years ago and I can wear clothes I wore in high school, when I thought I was absolutely humongous (and now I see pix of myself from then, I think I was thin and feel sad for my teen self), but it's so totally not a rational thing. So I'm just trying not to look in the mirror very much and trying to remember that the bloat will go away in a few weeks as the gas the surgeon used to inflate my insides dissipates. But it still sucks. After three years of really working on my head, I can still be thrown for a loop every time I think I've conquered the little voice in the back of my head and discover that I haven't yet, not quite.
Reply
I don't recognize myself in the mirror. After years of hollow thin face and razor-slash cheekbones, my cheeks seem full, my face seems amorphous. There are layers of meat on my arms, my legs, my belly. I never really registered myself as being as skinny as I was at my lowest - pictures of me then shock me. That's not what I looked like in my head. But neither is this. So I can't really objectively tell if I'm okay.
This is me. All me. Every word. I'd like to link this to my ED recovery community, womenofthemoon if that's OK ( ... )
Reply
I still have some weird food issues, but had the good fortune to find a therapist who got it. I learned how to cook again and it went a long way towards changing my relationship to the food that I eat and I am not an excellent cook and I adore good food. It's not the tool that it used to be, it's something that can be enjoyed.
Find what works for you, and kick the voices out. I know you can do it. You know you can do it.
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