Now that my entire being isn't laser-focused on getting us to Boston... old past Issues and behaviors are resurfacing. I mean old, like early teens
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I think that childhood/younger stuff never really goes away. It's one thing to just say "get over it and move on," but the reality is that there's no way to just erase memories, and those things continue to form us over the years whether we want them to or not. I tend to look at people as being akin to nesting dolls, or maybe the way pearls are formed, layer upon layer, becoming larger and more sophisticated, but that inner stuff is still there and still has a lot to do with the outer layers.
The competing voices make such a din that at some point, they must be silenced, I have found.
I have forced my eating disorders to work for me. If I had to binge and hold more weight to fight the anorexia, so help me that is what I did and will continue to do. Blood sugar basically in check these days, though, but sugar is still first drug of choice when I *must* shut the brain down and can not find another way without that help (just don't trust most doctors to give me the right pills for that, not since I figured out what works for me at such an early age...) Despite the wreck eating issues cause and all of the life nonsense they are related to, at a very deep, core level, I love myself dearly and have juggled things to maintain some sort of balance. And it improves.
The real issue for me is grounding. I recognize it as a life-ling challenge and continue to work on what is going on underneath.
Wishing you the best of luck finding peace and sanity with this.
and it does help to imagine carving the heart out of the assholes who
( ... )
My flirtation with eating disorders fell into the "you don't deserve to eat" category. Very rarely does that still show itself, and more often than not I indulge it - deliberately - for a few days, until my body says, "Ok, enough of this shit, I'm gonna crash your blood sugar." And by then whatever crap the negative monster in my head was spewing out is spent.
(...This hasn't happened for years now, I should add. And I acknowledge that it's not the best way of dealing. Somehow, though, it's less destructive than struggling with the brain weasels, as a friend calls them.)
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I have forced my eating disorders to work for me. If I had to binge and hold more weight to fight the anorexia, so help me that is what I did and will continue to do. Blood sugar basically in check these days, though, but sugar is still first drug of choice when I *must* shut the brain down and can not find another way without that help (just don't trust most doctors to give me the right pills for that, not since I figured out what works for me at such an early age...) Despite the wreck eating issues cause and all of the life nonsense they are related to, at a very deep, core level, I love myself dearly and have juggled things to maintain some sort of balance. And it improves.
The real issue for me is grounding. I recognize it as a life-ling challenge and continue to work on what is going on underneath.
Wishing you the best of luck finding peace and sanity with this.
and it does help to imagine carving the heart out of the assholes who ( ... )
Reply
My flirtation with eating disorders fell into the "you don't deserve to eat" category. Very rarely does that still show itself, and more often than not I indulge it - deliberately - for a few days, until my body says, "Ok, enough of this shit, I'm gonna crash your blood sugar." And by then whatever crap the negative monster in my head was spewing out is spent.
(...This hasn't happened for years now, I should add. And I acknowledge that it's not the best way of dealing. Somehow, though, it's less destructive than struggling with the brain weasels, as a friend calls them.)
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