Out of Order

[shadesong]

Now that my entire being isn't laser-focused on getting us to Boston... old past Issues and behaviors are resurfacing. I mean old, like early teens

Comments

[ewtikins]

I read this whole thing.

[ewtikins]

And I get the voices fighting about stuff thing, too. A lot.

[shadesong]

Pretty common, with that sort of thing."It must be my fault. I must have done something bad to make this happen to me."

[rhicat]

I find this the hardest to deal with of all. I don't know if its after effects of abuse (which is unrelated to my current pain) or plain old Jewish Guilt.

[theicequeen]

Even after a decade or so of being "done" with the eating disorder, that voice still creeps in. Especially when I'm stressed. I think it's a voice you have to learn to ignore the rest of your life.

*sigh*

I try to keep an eye on what the doctors say is a healthy weight to remind myself that the doctors say I'm thoroughly reasonable. And I try to focus on things like whether I'm taking good care of me and not eating lots of things that I know are bad for me....And it helps. But she's there, with her nasty comments and her freaking out.

I wish you lots of success and strength in dealing with your own voice.

[shadesong]

Even after a decade or so of being "done" with the eating disorder, that voice still creeps in.

Yeah. So long after being "done" with mine... I mean, mine kicked out at about age 14, and came back at about 30.

And I try to focus on things like whether I'm taking good care of me and not eating lots of things that I know are bad for me

And I eat things that are bad for me, then beat myself up about it. We really need to stock the house with more Good Food. The weekly organic produce delivery helped, but it was pricey and they kept bait-and-switching (saying they'd have yams one week and substituting an eggplant). I need to have apples in the house so I don't just eat junk because it's easier.

[theicequeen]

The foods that are bad for me are the hardest issue. My boy is an amazing baker. I have been working with him to find tasty-but-less-bad variations of foods I love. And have decided which ingredients are the most problematic and which I will just let be (actually, my doctor decided and was so right...so I am mostly avoiding sugar and white flour--so hard to do!--and don't pay attention to things like fat). And once a month we have a big ol' potluck and I can eat anything I want without guilt that day. (Plus, I pad in once or twice a week of forgiving myself if I eat crap.)

I love food, so it's hard to believe I spent so many years trying to deny myself. And now I'm angry at younger me for making the food issue even harder than it would "normally" be. I can see I will spend the rest of my life keeping an eye on myself to make sure I don't slide back (which involves both not letting myself starve and not letting myself eat in a way that would give that voice more power to freak out and convince us to starve).

[shadesong]

I got used to shoving all the food I could manage into my mouth, during the catastrophic-weight-loss period. It was a survival thing, plain and simple. I had to force-feed myself beyond fullness just to avoid the feeding tube. Every day. It became automatic. And I have to relearn that now, but I can't go back to disorder-thinking - I have to find a way to change it in a healthy manner.

[themaskmaker]

*curled up with you, listening*

[shadesong]

*snugglesigh*

[haikujaguar]

*joins this curl-up pile*

[elionwyr]

*strokes all y'all's hair*