Out of Order

[shadesong]

Now that my entire being isn't laser-focused on getting us to Boston... old past Issues and behaviors are resurfacing. I mean old, like early teens

Comments

[brightlotusmoon]

Just one of the bits of damage the past few years have inflicted on me = I don't know what my body is supposed to look like anymore. I've never been able to judge my body as compared to the bodies of others - the curves I find attractive in other women would, on me, send that voice clear 'round the bend. And I can tell myself "This is idiotic - you find her beautiful, and you are skinnier than her, therefore you are not the baby beluga you think you are." But this is not a rational thing.

I don't recognize myself in the mirror. After years of hollow thin face and razor-slash cheekbones, my cheeks seem full, my face seems amorphous. There are layers of meat on my arms, my legs, my belly. I never really registered myself as being as skinny as I was at my lowest - pictures of me then shock me. That's not what I looked like in my head. But neither is this. So I can't really objectively tell if I'm okay.

This is me. All me. Every word. I'd like to link this to my ED recovery community, womenofthemoon if that's OK.

I knew there was another reason I put you on my friends list.
Sometimes you make me cry.
All of the time I love you, and I don't even know you; is that scary?