Comments | roseletters: [Pinstripes] Wolf

roseletters

[Pinstripes] Wolf

Nov 28, 2009 19:59

Title: Wolf
Story/Character: Pinstripes / Seth, Elijah
Rating: PG-13 (violence)
word count: 1,587

Written for the brigits_flame prompt of "guns".

* * * * *

( The Ancestors were weeping in the Heavens, bitter ice tears dashed down against the earth below where frozen bits clattered against brick and steel with the sound of rattled bones. )

fic:scene, story:pinstripes

Comments 15

reed_pen December 2 2009, 02:52:39 UTC

Y HALO THAR. ;P I...i don't need to say how much I heart this? <3 <3 <3?

It was cold and miserable and it ate at his bones and into his flesh no matter how many layers he wore to try to block it out, gnawing at him like sharp rodent teeth to eat away blood and bone alike and get at the meager flames banked in his depth.
Not technically a run-on but oy. Would suggest breaking up.

And because Elijah Benson was a force of nature to rival the bitter teeth of the winter storm
Prr prr prr, tasty imagery there.

He will even resurrect the dead.
I really like that metaphor, too, him resurrecting Chujong for Elijah.

They fall back when he turns to them, like men who have seen demons, or wolves,
More tasty wordage.

When they left, they had lead him.
I think it should be "led".

his sounding board at night
Is THAT what they're calling it these days? :P

Edit #2- pt 1 pelethetart December 6 2009, 03:55:49 UTC

Hi! I'm Lynnie and I'll be your second editor from BF. How ya doing ( ... )

Edit #2-pt 2 pelethetart December 6 2009, 04:40:26 UTC

"heat as he dared, trying, always trying, to beat back the chill."- I suggest replacing "always trying" with "as always" to enhance the flow and reduce the repetition ( ... )

Edit #2-pt 3 pelethetart December 6 2009, 05:15:30 UTC

"And because Elijah Benson was a force of nature to rival the bitter teeth of the winter storm, Seth had found himself outside, in the snow, a pistol tucked against his ribs beneath the layers of his coat"- This sentence starts with two conjunctions, but doesn't attach to anything. I suggest starting with the word "Since" instead. Drop the comma between "outside" and "in the snow" and have a final stop after "coat". This paints a stronger picture of Seth himself and prevents the sentence from running on. This is also a very strong statement on how Seth regards Elijah, after describing his hatred of the "teeth of winter". So strong and wonderful ( ... )

Edit #2- pt 4 pelethetart December 6 2009, 05:49:32 UTC

"It was easy, so easy, like walking, like breathing, things you never forgot."- again watch for redundancy. I would drop the "so easy" since everything else really supports the "easy" more than that statement ( ... )