[Pinstripes] Wolf

[roseletters]

Title: Wolf
Story/Character: Pinstripes / Seth, Elijah
Rating: PG-13 (violence)
word count: 1,587

Written for the brigits_flame prompt of "guns".

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Comments

Edit #2- pt 1

[pelethetart]

Hi! I'm Lynnie and I'll be your second editor from BF. How ya doing? ;)
As I understand it, you would like a NHB with grammar. I'm happy to oblige, though I am inclined to say that these are merely suggestions, do with them as you will.

Now...on with the show!

"The Ancestors were weeping in the Heavens, bitter ice tears dashed down against the earth below"- As an opening statement, I think this could be so much more powerful. Right now it reads a bit clunky. To smooth it out I would suggest a full stop after Heavens. This could be followed by a restructure "Bitter tears or ice dashed against the earth..."
I also recommend dropping "below" as it is redundant, having already established the tears coming from Heaven and dashing down.

"where frozen bits clattered against brick and steel with the sound of rattled bones."- I love, love, love this imagery! So powerfully said!

"Heavy gray clouds coated the sky above the white blanket of the streets, feeding on warmth and life alike to leave only a chilled, frozen wasteland behind that few ventured out into."-
This is bogged down with too much imagery going on in rapid succession. Perhaps breaking it into two sentences, ending the first after alike. Restructuring the second to "Leaving behind a frozen wasteland that few ventured out into." I dropped out chilled because it is redundant to frozen, which carries a stronger image to it and supports the image of the white streets.

"It was called 'snow' in the northeastern tongue, or sometimes 'sleet', although he wasn't entirely certain what the difference was."- I would suggest a simple rearranging here for fluidity. "It was called 'snow', or sometimes 'sleet', in the northeastern tongue, although..."

"It was cold and miserable and it ate at his bones and into his flesh no matter how many layers he wore to try to block it out, gnawing at him like sharp rodent teeth to eat away blood and bone alike and get at the meager flames banked in his depth."- This is one long run on sentence, and it is also pretty repetitive. You used the idea that the cold eats at him twice, in two different images, where one is powerful enough to convey what you need. I suggest "It was cold and miserable." as it's own sentence, followed by one or the other images you choose to give the adequate power but not over do it.

"He hated it - he hated the entirety of the cold, wet, barren northeastern climes - but.."- Again, breaking this down into complete sentences so the dashes, which break up the flow, are unnecessary. "He hated it. He hated...climes but..."

"Except not. Not any more."- This is too fragmented for the power it should have. Dropping out one of the "nots" and make it into a complete sentence would make it grammatically correct and give it proper punch.

I adore you description of the northeastern winter climate. I've grown up in the Great Lakes snow belt my entire life and have dealt with stunning cold and wicked snow/sleet of many forms and varieties. While I love it, you so accurately portrayed the attitudes of so many people I know here, as well as the feeling of someone fully saturated by the cold.
Very well done.