[Pinstripes] Wolf

[roseletters]

Title: Wolf
Story/Character: Pinstripes / Seth, Elijah
Rating: PG-13 (violence)
word count: 1,587

Written for the brigits_flame prompt of "guns".

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Comments

Edit #2-pt 3

[pelethetart]

"And because Elijah Benson was a force of nature to rival the bitter teeth of the winter storm, Seth had found himself outside, in the snow, a pistol tucked against his ribs beneath the layers of his coat"- This sentence starts with two conjunctions, but doesn't attach to anything. I suggest starting with the word "Since" instead. Drop the comma between "outside" and "in the snow" and have a final stop after "coat". This paints a stronger picture of Seth himself and prevents the sentence from running on. This is also a very strong statement on how Seth regards Elijah, after describing his hatred of the "teeth of winter". So strong and wonderful!

"and three men at his back who presumed they were to shepherd the boss' pet toy around."- This is very strong as an independent sentence. Replace the and with "The" and drop the "who" all together.

"That was what Seth read in their eyes and their bodies and in the words"- Grammatically, replace the first "and" with a comma.

"Take the pet for a walk, he's been inside too long. Do a job along the way."- I would suggest instead of a comma either insert a full stop and make it into two sentences *or* use "because" to join them more fluidly together.

"He had forgotten what it felt like to have the warm flush of a hunter coursing through his veins."- I really like this line, so much. It's so ripe!

"Their target was in sight, just leaving the address that Seth had been given."- The wording on this isn't quite right.
Perhaps a quick restructure "having just left..." would be more appropriate, or dropping the "just" all together.

"One of the men - Grant - spat into the cold rime of slush at their feet"- Instead of hyphens, use commas for grammar purposes. I really like the image you created of him spitting into the slush. Beautifully written!

"...and cocked rifle to shoulder."- This feels incomplete. Is he lifting the cocked rifle to his shoulder? Is he cocking the rifle, then putting it up? There needs to be a bit more here to complete the image and match the very full one given to him spitting, which is a less important action to this.

""Easy shot and home for dinner," he said, grinning, and bent his head to take the sight."- New thought, new quote, new line. :)

""No." He didn't, he think,"- I believe you want the word "thought" here ;)

"even recognize his own voice. It was a voice he had thought he had lost, something from deeper in his chest that had died along with his previous life."- I believe "from deep" would paint the picture better since we don't really have a comparison for deeper to apply to.

"It was the voice of a man who commanded other men"- Make this it's own sentence to give that ancient voice of his more history and strength before you take it away.

"it felt rusty and half forgotten in his throat, something strange and alien in the foreign tongue."- Fantastic image. I can almost feel the voice choke him.

"'Ey," the other man said, angry, and jerked the gun away."- This is extremely choppy. First off, I encourage you to use another word instead of "said", which doesn't convey the angry tone. "Huffed", "grunted" or "growled" would be appropriate here. Also to help with the flow of the phrase "..said angrily, jerking.." or "..angrily said as he jerked..."

"Leave off. Boss just wants it done, and I've got the shot."- Logical and complete disregard for Seth. This is a great voice!

""No." Seth repeated and this time, when he reached, the metal flushed, red and crackling in the freezing air, steam rising, and Grant yelled and fell back as his gun barrel dripped like melted sugar syrup between Seth's fingers." This runs on. By putting a full stop after "repeated" you will be allowing the reader to build up to the next point, which is a fabulous revelation.
-"This time, when he reached for the gun,"- we need to be assured this is what he is reaching for in order to fully form the image.
-"the metal flushed red and crackled in the freezing air." This connects the ideas and puts them in the appropriate tenses.
-"Steam rose from the barrel as Grant yelled and fell back as his gun barrel dripped like melted sugar syrup between..."- again this separates important images, giving them more power to them. I love the 'dripped like syrup' image. Fantastic!