FIC: Dénoument, YukiSana, NC17 (1/3)
Title: Dénoument (1/3)
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Pairing(s): Yukimura/Sanada + others
Wordcount: 28 000
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created by Konomi Takeshi. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: Everything you can possibly imagine. Not for the weak of heart-or of mind. Spoilers for 40.5.
Summary: Sanada is a girl.
Author's notes: This is something I have been thinking about for a long time. It's everything I want to read in a fic, and then some. Written for Valentines 2008.
This fic has been truncated into 3 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is [mostly] a one-shot fic. [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]
Comments are most welcome.
Plus ça change, plus c'est la meme chose
"On the bright side," Renji says, "you can now live a normal life with Yukimura."
Sanada wants to strangle him. And he would, too, if it wasn't for the fact his breasts start to heave.
***
Waking up with his yukata flung wide open and his naked body cold against the winter elements (no central heating in the Sanada family home, no!) could never be a good way to start the day.
Compound that with the fact Sanada goes to tie himself back up and linger in bed those last precious minutes before 4am when he discovers two strange lumps on his chest that don't go away no matter how much he tries to smush them down, and his day is going rather poorly. Even by 3:52am.
His screaming wakes up the entire house and everyone: from grandfather to Ken-chan to Mom and Dad and even Nekochan the deaf old cat show up at his doorway, asking if he's all right.
"No I'm not all right!" Sanada yells. But his bellow is gone and his voice is now a high-pitched girl's wailing.
"You can wear one of my old bras," Mom offers.
***
"Really," Renji says. "It's not the end of the world."
Sanada's coat is zipped up to his chin, but his breasts still swell out on his chest and jiggle as he walks. His track pants are so tight over his bum and thighs that one false move will split them. Sanada minces his steps and tries to hide under his cap as best he can.
"I'll get Yukimura," Renji says. "You wait here."
The entire team is probably giggling at him under their Burberry scarves. The entire team probably knows who he is, under his cap and uniform, all misshapen and tight over this girl's body Sanada doesn't recognize. A pair of crows laughs at him from a tree branch, before the one mounts the other and starts to hump.
Yukimura walking across the court towards him-before Renji has a chance to speak-makes cold sweat freeze under Sanada's chin.
"Oi! You girl!" he yells. "Get off our courts and go play with the girls' team in the gym!"
"Yu-Yukimura!" Sanada shouts.
"Go on, git!" Yukimura waves his racket. "We don't want girls' cooties on our courts. Tell your cousin no girls allowed!"
"Yeah!" Kirihara adds.
At least Kirihara has the decency to notice Sanada afterward, even if his eyes bug out.
"Sucks to be you," Niou says, sprawled across a bench. He toys with his rat tail and curls it around his mitten.
The ironic thing is Niou cups his own breasts.
***
Sanada has to wear a skirt.
The girls' team swarms him like a hoard of gnats, buzzing and zooming about until he's left standing in the middle, cold and goosepimply. Sanada shivers. His leg hairs stick out.
"God, haven't you heard of a razor?" the captain asks him. She looks at his legs and turns up her nose.
***
He crushes them all in fifteen minutes flat.
"You call that tennis?" he yells. "You can't even hold a racket!"
It doesn't make up for the skirt, but at least he doesn't have pants to split.
The girls' team swarms him again in the showers, attacking with razors this time. Sanada is left there, humbled and hairless and bleeding from the long, stray cuts stinging his legs.
When they all leave, he punches the wall. Then, he cries until the water runs cold.
***
Yagyuu writes something in his diary during home ec.
The teacher forces Sanada to wear the strawberry-patterned apron. It matches the rest of the girls.
His brioches fall in the oven.
Yagyuu continues to write. Then, as Sanada scrapes his brioches into the bin one by one, he says, "Were you aware that Niou-kun and Jackal-kun are also girls?"
Sanada's throat catches. "Did- were they still allowed to play tennis?"
Yagyuu looks up from his diary and closes it. He tucks it into his sweater pocket. "Why not?" he asks. Then he walks off.
Girls always clean up in home ec.
***
Sanada eats his lunch alone. There are dark scabs on his knees where the socks don't cover. His skirt hitches up. It smells like the musty closet the nurse borrowed it from.
He's not welcome at tennis club. A boy laughed at him behind his back when Sanada carried his lunch tray around, searching for someone to eat with. The girls all turned away and snickered. "Man, her thighs are frigging tree trunks!" the boy said, leaning over to his friend.
The friend was Yukimura.
Sanada cries into his fried tofu. The steam curls into the frigid air of the stairwell, trailing off to nowhere.
He thinks about Yukimura and the tennis club and cries again. He sets his lunch down, grabs his bag and runs home. Sanada feels like an idiot.
His breasts bounce all the way there. His thighs slap against each other. He gets home and slides the dojo door shut, but his cap is missing.
Sanada sniffles.
***
The bra cuts into his back underneath the hakama.
"I have your cap," Renji says on the phone. "You forgot it at school. Yagyuu found it on his prefect rounds."
Sanada hangs up.
***
He wakes up and the breasts are still there, heavy and full against his chest.
He's split down the middle and his belly hurts. Sanada squeezes his eyes under the shower. His legs don't hurt, but his cunt does.
Blood swirls around the drain.
Mom only needs to see his white face at the breakfast table before she disappears, then hands him a box with his plate of toast and salad.
"Tampons for breakfast?" Dad asks.
Grandfather chokes.
"Sick," Ken-chan says.
Nekochan curls up between Sanada's legs when he crawls back into bed. She wedges herself right against his crotch and kneads his thigh.
At least the blood has stopped.
***
He's still not allowed at tennis club.
A freshman shoes him off, all red-cheeks and corkscrew locks.
Sanada never felt less manly in his life.
He buys a chocolate bar from the vending machine and eats the entire thing. Then, he plays the entire girls' club again and crushes them all in ten minutes flat.
"Aren't you here to play tennis?" he shouts at them.
"I saw your tampon string hanging out," the vice-captain says.
***
The first detention in his life is for the glorious reason of 'catfighting'.
The vice-captain is missing a chunk of her hair extensions. Sanada suffers minor claw marks on his arm.
He sweeps the gymnasium at lunch time. The vice-captain pushes a broom around and picks her nails.
"You're a bitch," she says.
Sanada glares from under his cap. "You're a lazy ass."
"Since when is tennis club for practicing tennis? Unless you're a boy…"
She screams when Sanada rips off her fake eyelashes. Sanada screams when she twists his breasts. Marui screams with glee when he walks into the gymnasium and finds them on the floor, writhing and shrieking and pulling hair.
***
"You aren't welcome on the tennis team," the coach says. "You're causing unnecessary tension between the girls."
Sanada cries himself to sleep.
***
Renji calls to ask if he's all right.
Yagyuu calls to ask if Sanada wants his homework collected.
Mom calls to ask if he needs Midol.
Yukimura never calls.
***
He quits the girls' tennis team and joins the yoga club.
His mom buys him an extra support sports bra.
Sanada dumps out his tennis bag to carry his yoga mat around. The sight of his abandoned Babolat makes him sniffle.
He's the only person in yoga club.
The washitsu is lonely and cold. He contorts his body and his leg gets stuck behind his neck. It's an hour before someone finds him. A boy from class 3C.
His cellphone rang and he couldn't reach it. Yukimura's name flashes on the LCD screen.
Sanada deletes the message.
***
Renji says, "Yukimura says-"
"I don't want to hear it," Sanada snaps. The stairwell is drafty. His skirt flutters up.
***
"Do you know what buchou says?" Kirihara asks. He hops from foot to foot, grinning like the brat he is.
Sanada slams his binder shut. Kirihara cringes. Sanada slaps him across the face. Kirihara doesn't bat an eyelash. It makes the smack worthless. "Leave me alone," he says. "And stop staring at my chest."
"Sorry," Kirihara mutters. "I didn't meanta."
***
Yukimura approaches his locker. Sanada hides behind the door and pretends not to see him. He ducks his head and grabs his math textbook.
"Sanada!" Yukimura says.
Sanada slams his door shut and turns around. He tries to walk away as quickly as he can. His breasts bounce. Their weight makes his back ache.
"Sanada!" Yukimura says. He runs up to Sanada and ahead, standing in the way. Sanada darts to the side and Yukimura touches his arm.
"I- sorry," Yukimura says. Sanada won't look him in the eye. "I didn't know who you were that day. I- I thought you were your cousin."
"I don't have a cousin," Sanada mumbles.
"Yeah, Jackal told me that," Yukimura says. He sighs. His hand is hot and clammy on Sanada's sleeve. "Will you come back?"
Sanada tries to push Yukimura away. Yukimura slides his hand lower, his fingertips dancing over Sanada's hand. Sanada shivers. His nipples harden. Yukimura looks at them. Sanada feels very uncomfortable.
"Will you be my girlfriend, too?"
***
They hold hands during tennis practice.
Sanada wears his skirt.
He showers alone and Yukimura waits for him. "Yagyuu says girls need to be walked home," he says.
"I- no they don't!" Sanada says.
Yukimura holds his hand as they walk, palm to sticky palm. They pause at the gate to Sanada's home and Sanada blushes and looks away. "Bye," he says. He runs inside before Yukimura can see or do anything else. His heart flutters under his breast and he feels tingly between his legs.
***
"The high school coach said we can play mixed games," Yukimura says.
Sanada lies back on his futon. Yukimura crawls on top of his body and kisses him. It's slimy and good. Sanada kisses him back until Yukimura sticks a hand on his thigh and tries to push his skirt up.
"No," he says.
"It was worth a shot," Yukimura says.
"I think it's time for you to go home," Sanada says. "My mom will be back from the grocery store soon."
Maybe next time is what Sanada doesn't say.
***
"The first time, Yagyuu did me so hard I bled," Niou says.
***
"But the second time, he licked me until I came first."
Sanada's eyes pop out. "Girls can…?" He waves his hand. He can't say the word.
Niou nods.
***
"We're too young for dating," Sanada mumbles.
Yukimura licks his neck. "That's okay."
There is snow falling outside. It collects on the roof tiles, a powder of silence when Yukimura isn't kissing his shoulder.
Yukimura fumbles with the top button on Sanada's blouse. Sanada puts a hand over his. "I mean it," he says.
***
Sanada doesn't make a very good girlfriend.
He doesn't giggle at Yukimura's jokes (throwing a snowball at Niou and causing a chain reaction involving a barrage directed back at Sanada isn't funny). He doesn't bat his lashes. He's not demure or sweet. Sanada tends to stomp and scowl and he knows it. The only days he does blush are when Yukimura asks him to the school rooftop because he knows what Yukimura wants to do there.
Their breath steams up the inside of the winter garden. The vegetable plants and tomato vines drip with moisture under Sanada's fingers than fall from Yukimura's back when Yukimura kisses him against the glass wall. He tastes like the yakitori lunch special from the cafeteria.
"Someone could see," Sanada mumbles. Yukimura kisses the side of his mouth and rubs his nose on Sanada's cheek. His hand is on Sanada's thigh, crawling up his skirt toward his underpants.
Yukimura will expect girly panties, maybe with frills and pink and ribbon, not white y-fronts. Sanada squeezes his legs together and swats at Yukimura's hand. "No," he says. "No…"
It's getting harder. Yukimura is getting harder. His erection burns Sanada's hip. He shivers. The air is thick with mist. Yukimura licks saliva from his lips. His heavy sigh makes Sanada feel a tinge of guilt, but no enough to give in.
He smoothes his skirt out and fixes his cap. Yukimura frowns.
After tennis, instead of asking Yukimura to hold his bag, Sanada offers to carry Yukimura's. Yukimura's forehead furrows before he laughs and calls Sanada a dummy.
Sanada almost wishes he knew how to be a good girlfriend.
***
"Do you ever think that we're having a sexual identity crisis?" Jackal asks. His breath puffs in the air, frosting his scarf.
Sanada's footsteps crunch.
"I mean," Jackal says, "I'm straight and I'm a guy. So does that mean I have to be a lesbian now?"
Niou spits a wad of mucus onto the pavement. For all his feminine curves and curled eyelashes, he's not a woman either. "I'm not confused. I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body. I like cock. I like Yagy-"
He slaps a hand over Niou's mouth. "Don't say it," Sanada says.
Niou shrugs. "I do, though," he says. "No crisis for me."
***
Jackal's girlfriend has full lips, but her shoulders are wide. They hold hands in the hallways and exchange notes at lunch time. Sanada thinks they look more like friends than lovers.
Jackal tries out being a lesbian for a week.
"It's not working," he says. "I-"
"-like cock?" Niou offers.
Marui stops chewing his gum and grins.
***
Yukimura finds him in the washitsu on Valentines.
"No giri choco?" he asks. The door closes with an infinite click. Sanada swallows. The dust motes are thick here. The tatami smells sweet and musty. It dampens Yukimura's footsteps.
Yukimura sticks his hand under Sanada's underpants and slides a finger up inside. He moans. "You're so wet…"
Tarundoru is on the tip of his tongue. His hands shake and he's ready to push Yukimura away and say No we're too YOUNG!
It's better than any chocolate. Not that Sanada particularly likes chocolate, but he does like Yukimura's finger stroking the inside of his cunt. He gasps. Sanada's eyes roll back. He almost doesn't believe this low smouldeing burn could be this good.
Because girls can come too.
***
He's too ashamed to ask the school nurse.
He's too ashamed to ask Niou or Jackal, or even Renji, who knows everything and offers nothing without consequences.
But nothing happens. His period comes five days later, on perfect schedule.
Sanada asks Niou about it in gym in a roundabout, girly way. They are the last two in the showers, not really girls, but not boys either. Sanada resents Niou and his lack of body hair. Sanada turns his back to hide his body. Niou may be gay, but he leers.
"I'm irregular," Niou says. He soaps his breasts up. His nipples stick out from under the suds.
Sanada hates him.
***
They play tennis instead of dating.
Sanada likes that best. Nothing has changed, not until Yukimura pounces in the change rooms. Everything changes when Yukimura peels the towel from Sanada's body and touches his engorged nipples and his cunt, wet from the shower and now Yukimura's fingers too. Sanada gasps and strains into Yukimura's hand.
Yukimura cuts him off with a kiss.
They do it on one of the old wooden benches, carved with names and dates from bygone teams. One more memory for the creaking old seat when Yukimura thrusts and Sanada's eyes fly open, the terrifying moment of intimacy lulling into Yukimura's rhythmic thrusting and sloppy kisses.
It doesn't hurt the way Niou said. Sanada doesn't want to think about what that does-or doesn't-mean.
Yukimura comes inside of him. "I can't get you pregnant," he whispers. "Don't worry."
Sanada doesn't ask about that either. The thought lingers until Yukimura fucks him again against the lockers. The metal door clangs. Sanada's bare bum is cold. Yukimura's chest squishes his breasts.
They walk to the bus stop together and say nothing. Sanada lies in bed at night, his flesh seared with Yukimura's memory and he can't sleep.
Later, Sanada realizes today is Yukimura's birthday.
***
They don't speak for two weeks. The tennis courts are closed. The nets are packed and stored away. Sanada practices kendo at lunchtime and catches up with math homework. Yukimura has beautification committee meetings and flower planting to do on the rooftop.
He doesn't know what to say. When he's alone, he thinks about Yukimura's hands on his breasts and Yukimura's lips on his thighs. He slips a hand between his legs, but it isn't the same.
Sanada eats lunch by himself. He tucks his skirt around his thighs and sits on the window ledge. His bum is cold. The draft cuts through his sweater. The school bentos taste like cardboard.
He practices in the dojo. His grandfather gives him a woman's hakama to wear, but the swords feel the same in his hands.
On the last day of school, a fog cloud hangs over the city. It blinds Sanada to the salarymen who catcall him on the train platform. He holds his textbook against his chest, but it doesn't help.
The mist creeps around the school building, a blurry wash that tastes of salt drifting off the ocean.
Before class starts, Yagyuu walks up to Sanada's desk. "Did something happen between you and Yukimura-kun?" he asks.
Sanada grunts. "It's none of your business."
"Yukimura-kun seems depressed," Yagyuu says.
Sanada says nothing.
"Perhaps you should talk about it with him and discuss your goals and trajectories to clarify what you both want," Yagyuu says. He must have spoken with Renji.
"I didn't ask for advice," Sanada mutters.
His pencil snaps during first class. The girl sitting beside him lends Sanada a Hello Kitty pencil. The sparkles collect in the spine of his textbook and all over his lap.
***
Yukimura sits on his window ledge. There is a cafeteria tray beside him. Sanada turns around to find somewhere else to eat, but Yukimura calls out his name.
"Can we talk?"
Sanada cringes.
The ledge is damp, but the hot spaghetti on Yukimura's tray warmed up the spot where Sanada sits down. He says nothing. He looks at his feet. The white school shoes are dirty at the toe.
"Did I do it wrong?" Yukimura asks.
Sanada shakes his head.
Yukimura frowns. "You keep ignoring me," he says. "I don’t know what to do."
Sanada frowns too. He doesn't understand this. It's very awkward. He doesn't want to be a girl.
"Sanada," Yukimura says. He touches the side of Sanada's face and smears a tear with his thumb. "Change can be okay. You're still you."
"Here," Yukimura says. He opens Sanada's hand and tucks a small box into his palm. Sanada lifts the lid. He lifts his eyes to Yukimura.
"It was my White Day present for you. You're pretty," Yukimura says. He opens the hair pin and slides it through Sanada's hair. "I think you're the prettiest girl and the best tennis player."
Sanada wears the hair pin all afternoon. The girl beside him whispers to her friend, jealous and murmuring something about Vivienne Westwood and damn, that must be expensive.
Sanada smiles to himself. He answers the question in English class before Yagyuu has a chance to stand up.
***
Yukimura comes over to his house. There is no one home. Sanada makes tea in the kitchen and fills two of the raku cups with it. He carries the tray to his bedroom. Yukimura sits next to his futon, which he forgot to fold up this morning.
He remembers the last time Yukimura was here. Sanada hands him a cup and their fingers brush.
Yukimura takes one sip, then sets the cup down. He starts to speak, but he stops and takes Sanada's cup away too. His fingers wrap around Sanada's wrists and pull him down on top of his lap. Sanada swallows. His heart flutters with doki doki wings.
The light through his window is muted. Sanada straddles Yukimura's waist and lets Yukimura unbutton his shirt and fumble with the bra. He sighs into Yukimura's hands and Yukimura's kisses pressed under his ear.
"Is this weird?" Yukimura asks him. He rubs his finger on that spot between Sanada's legs. Sanada gasps. He missed that. His own fingers were never enough.
"Sanada…" Yukimura moans. He grunts when Sanada touches him, stroking his cock between their bodies until he shifts up enough. Yukimura pushes on his hipbones. Sanada is on his knees and Yukimura under him.
His breasts bounce. Yukimura fills him, stretches him and pants. His fingers dig into Sanada's sides. Sanada feels exposed in the filtered light of spring that coats his body and makes him shiver. His nipples stiffen. Yukimura sucks on them and chews until Sanada cries.
They roll over and do it again, with Yukimura on top and the tatami under Sanada's naked back. Yukimura comes between his breasts and murmurs that he loves Sanada. Sanada tastes the come on his chin. It makes him think of the fog outside, rolling in from the sea.
After, they sit on Sanada's futon and drink the tea. It has gone cold, but Sanada is warm enough.
***
The streetcourts open up the last week of March. Every day, Sanada plays with Yukimura. He wears two sports bras. Yukimura has a new racket and a canister of balls that smells of fresh rubber.
They go to Yukimura's house after. His sister and grandmother are away. His father is overseas on business and his mother off at the shopping centre. They have sex as fast as they can, then lie there panting hard, like they've just played another one set match of tennis.
The weather is warming and the cherry trees in blossom. They walk through the parks on the other side of the city and hold hands. The hair pin matches the trees. Yukimura sticks flowers in Sanada's hair and says he looks like a girl, even when he says "Tarundoru" and pouts.
"I don't pout," Sanada mutters.
He goes shopping with Renji on Thursday. "I need new clothes," Renji says. Sanada's mom gives him money for a new yukata, too.
"You fixed your relationship with Seiichi," Renji says. He stuffs the bag underneath the café table.
"Aa," Sanada says. The parfaits are tasty here. He orders a chocolate strawberry one and eats the cream off the top first. Then he mixes the rest together. Renji reads a book. Occasionally, he says something about tennis club in high school. It's like they used to be, only Sanada has breasts and two spare tampons in his bag, just in case.
***
The first day of high school, they all eat together. The building is scary. The freshmen are the bottom of the pack again. The seniors whistle at Sanada when he walks by. He slaps one on the way to lunch and the senior shuts up, calling him a bitch instead.
There is a grassy knoll at the back of the campus. It overlooks the tennis courts. The ground is moist under Sanada's legs. Yukimura spreads his sweater down for Sanada. Niou spreads himself across Yagyuu's lap and eats from Yagyuu's fingers. Renji eats from Marui's Familymart bag.
"I didn't think you liked cheetos," Sanada says.
Renji looks at him. His face is round. He's not gangly anymore.
"I'm pregnant," Renji says.
"Eh?" Sanada says.
"By Akaya," Renji says.
"WHAT?" Sanada yells.
Renji swipes another cheeto. "I'm due in three months."
***
"He's only six months younger than Seiichi," Renji says. "And he gives amazing head."
Sanada bangs his head against his locker.
"He's the number one at something," Renji adds.
Sanada has a headache all afternoon.
***
"No girls," the captain says.
"Play them first," Yukimura says. "You want to win the Nationals or not this year?"
Sanada hides under his cap. It's embarrassing.
"Hey…did the whole junior high school team have sex changes or something?" Nishiki asks.
"Puri," Niou says. He gives Nishiki the finger. Jackal whispers to Marui that it isn't worth the effort.
"Go play with the girls' team, Sanada," the captain says.
"I'll crush you!" Sanada shouts. The captain laughs. When he loses 6-0, he cries and says girls can play. Mixed team, no rules against that.
"I double-checked," Renji says.
***
They have special uniforms made. Renji arranges for Kirihara's older sister to make them. "She's very crafty," he says. "She also knits onesies."
Sanada thinks the skirts are too short, so he wears a pair of shorts underneath his. Niou wears pink panties some days and blue boxer-briefs on others. Jackal wears spandex shorts. Renji wears track pants.
Whenever Kirihara comes to visit, Sanada boxes his ear. "Use condoms!" he snaps.
Kirihara forces a laugh. "I'm gonna be responsible, Sanada-senpai. Jeez." He rubs his ear. Sanada swats him again.
***
Sanada frowns. Renji hits a lob. Sanada returns it with his backhand. It feels good to sweat and move around the court.
"Didn't you think about…" He uses a forehand shot. Renji leans down. He's going to use a slice. Sanada rocks back on his foot. His skirt flips up. "About getting rid of it?"
Renji blinks and the ball shoots up off the rim of his racket. Sanada smashes the ball down. Renji hums. "I told Akaya no," he says. "He asked me months ago, Genichirou."
"You're not married," Sanada says. He sets up a serve. A group of girls from the volleyball team walk by. One points and says "Yeah, she's a bitch who used to be a guy."
Sanada scowls.
Renji looks at him. His eyes are narrow and small. "Genichirou," he says, "it's not the end of the world if I'm a teenager."
"Besides," he adds, "maybe I just want it."
Sanada doesn't answer.
***
Sanada and Yukimura don't have time for sex with the season coming up. Except on Saturday afternoons, after the tennis club clears the change rooms. Yukimura and Sanada both have clubhouse keys. They're regulars this year already.
The showers smell like feet. Sanada doesn't always remember to shave his legs-or his armpits-but Yukimura doesn't seem to mind. They slip and slide and kiss against the tile walls. Yukimura tickles Sanada's stomach. Sanada pinches Yukimura's nipples until he begs for mercy. It gets easier as time goes on: to forget about the weirdness and the pregnant pauses and the times that Sanada has to mumble about that time of the month so no we can't right now.
On Sunday, Yukimura comes over for supper. Ken-chan asks how Sanada is as a girlfriend. Yukimura flushes and Sanada does too. Sanada kicks his brother under the table.
"He's a very nice boy," Mom says. "You two have been friends for such a long time, maybe one day…"
Sanada stomps off before he hears anymore. He slams his bedroom door closed and texts Yukimura. Nekochan meowls outside his doorway until Sanada relents and lets her inside. She kneads the end of his futon as he works on his literature homework. She steps all over his stomach and breasts with her paws and leaves bruises darker than Yukimura's hickeys.
***
"Did you know that girls can masturbate?" Jackal asks.
Renji clears his throat.
A vein bursts in Sanada's forehead. He says nothing.
Niou sniffs. His lip curls up in a smirk. "Yeah."
Jackal blinks. "You guys could have told me that sooner!"
***
Renji plays tennis with them until the end of June. After, he hangs around the sidelines for two weeks. He isn't fat, just a bit round around the middle. He has the distinct swell of small breasts, but he wears his jacket most days.
He disappears one day in mid-July. They are playing the regionals next week. Yagyuu takes Renji's place on the regulars. The team will play the finals against Hyoutei. Sanada does not want to deal with Atobe, though he's sure that Atobe has probably heard the rumours by now.
Sanada gets a call in the dojo, after supper. Kirihara's voice cracks. "Gu-ess what?" he asks.
Sanada doesn't guess.
He and Yukimura visit Renji in the hospital. They bring a card and a bunch of balloons, bought at the gift shop on the main floor. Renji looks calm, but he has large purple bags under his eyes. His hair is a mess. "Do you want to hold her?" he asks.
Before Sanada can shake his head, Renji slides the baby into Sanada's arms. Sanada stands there and doesn't move. It's heavier than he expected. He could drop her.
She doesn't scream at him, but she's red-faced and has a mop of hair like Kirihara. Kirihara beams and takes her into his own arms after, holding her tight to his chest. He holds Renji's hand and Sanada feels ill when he sees that, but at the same time, a warm sense of pride swells in his chest for his friends.
He and Yukimura stop for ramen at the train station. The smell of fried gyoza and spilled beer is a welcome change from hospital antiseptic. Yukimura's shoulders relax. He relaxes and sits beside Sanada at the counter. His sneaker taps Sanada's.
"She has a pretty name," Yukimura says. "Natsuko is very summery sounding."
Sanada slurps his noodles. The baby smelled like sour milk. He doesn't know anything about children, so he nods. Tomorrow, he will go to Renji's classroom and collect his homework for him. He wonders how long it will take Renji to come back to school and to tennis club. He wonders if Renji will ever be the same again. Sanada stares at the bucket of green onions on the bar counter and he resents the baby for taking his friend away.
Then he feels just as guilty for the thought. Yukimura chucks the brim of his cap and asks if he's okay. Sanada says yes.
"Don't be nervous about the regionals," Yukimura says.
***
Renji shows up to the regionals with the baby strapped to his chest. Kirihara isn't with him. "He has games too," Renji says, "with the junior high team. They're playing Rokkaku."
The high school cheerleaders coo over the baby and ask to hold her. They are the same girls who played tennis last year, the same girls who Sanada scowls at it. "Ignore them," Jackal says, but he's too busy watching the Hyoutei side.
Niou doesn't come. Sanada scowls at that, too, and crosses his arms over his breasts. "Niou-kun isn't feeling well. He's, ah…" Yagyuu coughs. "It's that time of the month for him."
It is almost the same time for Sanada, too, but he doesn't say that. He flushes and Yagyuu's eyes go wide. Yagyuu looks away and sits as far on the bench from Sanada as he can. Sanada's cunt throbs, just a little. He feels sweatier than usual between his thighs. They stick to each other when he crosses his legs.
Sanada plays Oshitari Yuushi. Oshitari leers at him, watching his breasts bounce instead of the ball. Sanada hates it. Oshitari doesn't seem to care.
"Ne, I could give you my number," Oshitari says. He's lost the match 6-0. He waggles his eyebrows and smirks.
Yukimura cuts in before Sanada can raise his fist. Sanada's face is on fire. Yukimura smiles and pats Sanada on the arm. He slides his hand down Sanada's elbow and looks at Oshitari. "Sanada's not interested," he says.
Yukimura plays Atobe because the Rikkai doubles two suck. Atobe laughs and poses and the sun shines a halo around his hair, all grown back now. "I heard Rikkai were a bunch of girls now," he says.
Yukimura says, "Watch the ball, Atobe."
Atobe uses his Hametsu no Rondo. His gaze drips over Sanada, watching him, lingering the same way Oshitari's did, only longer. Sanada feels undressed. He purses his lips and puts his jacket on, zipping it up to his chin. Atobe keeps watching him with that cocky quirk. He smashes a ball and looks to Sanada. This is what I can do, aren't you impressed?
Atobe hasn't changed at all.
Yukimura beats him. Sanada makes sure to stand close to Yukimura and brush their hands together as the teams shake hands. Don't get any ideas, he thinks.
Oshitari stares at his chest. Atobe gropes his hand with a stroking thumb.
When they get on the train to Kanagawa, Sanada grabs Yukimura's hand at the wrong stop and leads him onto the platform. Yukimura asks and Sanada says nothing. His knees shake and there is sweat in the valley between his breasts. His hat is hot to the touch-the black absorbs the summer's heat.
They walk downtown and pass two hotels before Sanada finds one: Hotel It's Christmas Time! He blows his allowance on one room, instead of a new racket. Yukimura's mouth drops when Sanada hands him the key.
In a cold room, stifling with air conditioning and red, blinking lights on a plastic Christmas tree, Sanada sinks to his knees and sucks Yukimura off. Yukimura chokes and gasps and thrusts into Sanada's mouth. His come tastes gross. Sanada licks it off his mouth as Yukimura lays back on the bed, panting and flaccid. He climbs over Yukimura. The bed bounces as he throws his own uniform off.
The lights flash all over his body, a kaleidoscope. Christmas music plays in the background and they can order pay-per-view porn later if they want. Sanada is wet and slick and his cunt is on fire. He shoves Yukimura down when he tries to sit up.
I want this. He grinds his hips down. Yukimura isn't soft anymore. Sanada gets on his knees and tells Yukimura two words. Yukimura's eyes go dark and the surprised look fades from his face.
He fucks Sanada hard.
Sanada screams enough that he can't explain to his family why he doesn't get home until almost eleven o'clock that night. His voice cracks. His hips hurt. He's been rubbed raw inside and his clit is so sensitive he winces when he walks.
He's grounded and has to sweep the dojo for a week. It's no different than usual. Ken-chan never helps out anyway. Now he has the excuse that Sanada is a girl.
***
Atobe sends him a text message. Sanada deletes it.
Oshitari sends five. Sanada forwards those to Atobe, then deletes them all too.
They don't send any more messages.
***
Niou skips tennis practice when he has cramps.
Jackal wears a heating pad. Marui offers to warm him up instead.
Renji says, "I'm more or less experiencing the equivalent of a two-month long period at the moment." Most days, he brings the baby to practice. She sleeps in a pram when he does stretches and runs a lap or two.
Sanada doesn't miss a single practice. Sanada runs through his cramps and lobs through the gas he sometimes gets too. He grinds his teeth and bears it. The nationals are coming up. He's called a bitch behind his back-when he catches those players who snicker, he backhands them.
No one likes to be hit by a girl.
***
Yagyuu answers his cellphone. It rang during their practice games and he ignored it. Niou wasn't in gym class today. Sanada had no one to talk to. Boys and girls are separated for soccer games and Marui-as much as he's interested in Jackal-has little interest in Sanada.
Sanada adjusts his grip tape. Yagyuu scowls and says, "It's not funny this time either, Niou-kun. Stop joking around!" Sanada listens, but he turns away when Yagyuu clicks his tongue.
"I'll come by when I'm done. Stop playing jokes on me!" Yagyuu snaps. He switches his cellphone off and tucks it into his pocket. "Please excuse me," he tells Sanada.
Sanada goes home. He eats supper and calls Yukimura. They talk on the phone about tennis in whispers. Yukimura says he misses Sanada. Sanada blushes and tells him to be quieter in case his family hears. They haven't been alone in three weeks. Sanada's body hums, horny and desperate when he's alone in bed and he rubs his clit until he comes most nights. It's not the same. His misses Yukimura's warm, heavy weight on top of him and Yukimura's hot, hard dick inside him.
He practices in the dojo and does his homework. He goes to bed. He masturbates and thinks about Yukimura, who said yesterday that he thinks about Sanada all the time and is he free tomorrow after practice…?
Tomorrow, Sanada finds out that Niou wasn't joking around. Yagyuu finds him at home, crying and bleeding and alone. He cried wolf three times before and freaked Yagyuu out, but when it actually happens, Yagyuu doesn't show up until four hours after Niou gives birth in his bathroom.
When Renji tells Sanada this, he doesn't believe it. Yagyuu doesn't come to school. Marui says Niou has been gone for three days. "He said he had cramps real bad," Marui says. "Guess he's not coming back to tennis either."
***
"Are you pregnant?" Sanada asks.
Jackal blinks. His hair is growing out. It is 1cm now and prickly.
"No," he says. "I'm not a slut. I haven't slept with anyone."
Marui lurks behind the locker. Sanada can smell his bubblegum.
"Good," Sanada says.
***
They are the first mixed teams to play in the Nationals.
But they aren't the first mixed team to win the Nationals.
Yukimura swears at the captain when he sees the lineup.
After they lose, Yukimura gets 500 laps. Sanada has to count them. Renji helps, but mid-way through the baby starts to cry and he walks off. Yukimura doesn't cheat and Sanada would make sure of it. He finishes when the sky is black and Sanada's stomach growls. Yukimura is more bitter about the Nationals than he is.
They never made a promise for high school.
On the way to the bus stop, they buy bentos at a conbini and eat them in a park. Sanada can hear indiscrete couples having sex in the hydrangea bushes. Everything smells like flowers, except for Yukimura's tempura fish.
Sanada kisses Yukimura on the lips. They are greasy and Sanada wipes the crumbs from his mouth afterwards. Yukimura doesn't say a word, except, "Is my tennis form terrible?"
It's not. Sanada says as much. He walks himself home under the warm night sky. The world is damp and humid and clings to his bare arms. He picks another tempura crumb from his lips and eats it. It tastes like Yukimura's kisses.
***
Niou doesn't play tennis again.
Renji does.
Marui catches Jackal on a date. "You- you're FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY!" he screams.
"He's nice," Jackal says.
"He's from HYOUTEI!"
"Atobe?" Sanada snaps. He sucks in a breath. His jaw drops. Marui spits out his gum.
"No no no!" Jackal says. He waves his hands and shakes his head. "His name is Hiyoshi, he-"
"ENEMY!" Marui yells. He runs off. No one runs after him.
Jackal rubs his temple. "It's just casual," he says. "We've just gone on a couple dates to the movies, that's all."
Sanada eyes him.
Jackal runs a hand over his hair. "I swear. I'm not messing around. I'm not pregnant, either."
Renji raises an eyebrow.
Jackal only dates Hiyoshi a couple weeks. Sanada knows it's over when Marui sidles up to Jackal one lunch hour and offers him a stick of gum. They play doubles in tennis most days again, too. Without Niou on the team, they are guaranteed spots are regulars next year.
Marui tells this fact to Niou one morning when Niou hangs around on the edges of the court. Niou curls his lip. His chest is big now, as big as Sanada's, but his breasts hang heavier and he smells faintly milky, like Renji.
When Niou waves a breast pump in front of Marui's face at lunch, he's had his revenge. Sanada feels bad enough for Niou to let it slide. The pump looks painful. Niou always looks tired and has a gaunt depression to his cheeks in the way Renji never does.
***
"Sometimes I wondered if we were poisoned," Renji says.
Sanada looks up from picking a ball out of the basket.
"I wondered if Sadaharu was responsible. After all, it's odd that four of us were…"
Sanada clears his throat.
"But it wasn't."
When Renji says nothing more, Sanada prompts him. "What was it, then?"
"The only logical explanation I have is aliens," Renji says.
"Don't read Yagyuu's sci-fi mystery novels," Sanada says.
Yagyuu blinks. "I actually prefer Agatha Christie."
***
"Can you help me with some homework?" Yukimura asks. He touches Sanada's wrist.
Sanada brings his chemistry textbook. Yukimura's mother offers him hot pot. Yukimura's sister is away at cram school. They shut the door to Yukimura's bedroom and Sanada's heart flutters. He's numb between the legs.
"Are you doing combustion reactions too?" he asks. His voice cracks.
Yukimura laughs. "Sit down on my bed," he whispers.
Sanada sets his cap aside. He licks his lips. Yukimura sits down beside him and presses a thumb across Sanada's lips. Sanada bits his fingertip and moans.
Yukimura takes his hand away. Instead, he picks up a pencil and a sketchpad. "We're doing live models in art class," he says. "Can I draw you, Sanada?"
Sanada squirms. Yukimura tells him to sit still.
Sanada wiggles. His underpants feel sweaty and there is a pool of tension coiled up in his belly. He parts his lips and sighs. Yukimura continues to draw.
Yukimura wins first place in the art contest held in December. Sanada never sees the drawing, but Renji and Yagyuu say it is very good.
***
They don't celebrate anniversaries.
Yukimura doesn't remember and Sanada doesn't remind him. They eat ramen and play tennis on the indoor university courts and they have sex in Sanada's bedroom when his family isn't home. When his family is home, Sanada bites his lip to stay silent, but the slapping sounds of their flesh are loud enough to make him wince anyway.
On Christmas Eve they go on an official date. Ken-chan teases him. Mom says Sanada needs lip-gloss. His lips feel greasy and sticky, but Yukimura smiles when he stands in the foyer and waits for Sanada to get his cap and scarf.
There is an exhibition on at the city art gallery, Impressionist Nudes. Sanada blushes and turns away from the first few paintings. Too many fleshy figures under too many voyeuristic gazes. Yukimura holds his hand.
"This one is my favourite," he says. Sanada reads the label. The name is in French. He doesn't understand the words L'origine du monde until he reads the Japanese translation. Sanada looks at the painting and turns away just as quickly.
Sanada's favourite is Kuroda Seiiki. The triptych panels glimmer, three nude woman against a gold background. He prefers Japanese art. Yukimura calls him old-fashioned.
He has a curfew of midnight. There is a love hotel nearby. Together, they have 5800 yen between themselves.
"Do you see why I liked the Courbet?" Yukimura asks. Sanada clutches the sheets and lips his hips. The pleasure is so intense that he's crying and begging Yukimura with hands in his hair to stop and to go on all at once. Yukimura's hair tickles the inside of his thigh. Yukimura's tongue curls inside him until Sanada's senses explode and he comes.
***
"How was the art?" Ken-chan asks.
Sanada ducks his head. He grunts. "Don't you have a date too?"
***
Sanada has to save up for a new racket. His favourite Babolat is beat up and there is a new model, lighter than air at the tennis shop downtown near the piers north of Chinatown. He can't afford anything special on Valentines for Yukimura.
I'm not a girl! he thinks, but he accepts Mom's offer to help him make homemade chocolates. Sanada packs them up in a small box and places a calligraphy sheet on top. The characters are beautiful, bold black ink on thin rice paper. The paper absorbs the oil from the chocolates, dotting the back side.
Yukimura eats all sixteen in one sitting. The giri choco other classmates give him Yukimura hands to Marui at tennis practice.
Sanada thinks the effort was entirely worth it.
***
On White Day, Yukimura says, "I love you, too."
Sanada wears the cherry blossom hair pin all day.
***
Renji plays tennis this year, all year. Kirihara joins the team. He joins the regulars too and Nishiki says its nepotism. Kirihara kicks his ass. Niou comes to practices, but he never plays. He spends more time playing with his baby (on the days the coach doesn't tell him to leave the baby at home) and switching tennis bags around on people. He sprays Sanada in the back of the head with a water gun.
Sanada raises his hand, but Niou holds up the baby as a shield. "Can’t hit me," he says. The baby blinks at Sanada. He looks like Yagyuu already, only balder.
Jackal has a new boyfriend. Momoshiro shows up one afternoon and shouts instead of speaks. Sanada grinds his teeth. Jackal seems smitten. He giggles behind his hand and makes goo-goo eyes. His hair is long enough now for rows of yellow barrettes. He changes into a sleeveless shirt after practice and tells Momoshiro that he's cold.
"Sleeping with the enemy," Marui mutters under breath.
"If you like Jackal-kun, why don't you say that directly, Marui-kun" Yagyuu says.
Marui glares at Yagyuu. He asks to play doubles with Kirihara next week, but he spends more time on the bench, watching Jackal use the ball machines.
"What's so interesting about fraternizing with the enemy?" he asks. "Fucking Mata Hari. Traitor."
***
Jackal dates Momoshiro all season. The captain introduces a new rule that no outside players are allowed to come to practice. Niou comes anyway. He leaves a stink bomb in the captain's locker with Jackal's help.
Sanada plays doubles with Renji in the regionals. Yamabuki's Jimmies stare at them, two girls in tennis skirts and Rikkai jerseys.
"Er…" the tall one says.
"Um…" the other Jimmie scratches his head with his racket, "I thought this was the boys' division."
"We are boys!" Sanada snaps. Renji raises an eyebrow at him. Sanada ignores it.
They win the regionals and the nationals. Sanada's new Babolat sings through his smashes and volleys. His body vibrates when he plays Seigaku's Fuji. He doesn't need to go into the Muga, but he's as swift as the wind and his racket an extension of his arm. He invades Fuji's court like a ripple of flames. They've practiced harder this year and Renji's menu was better than ever. Sanada's thighs are bigger, muscled and hard like his biceps. After Kirihara wins against Momoshiro and screams his victory into the clay court (Marui cheers), Sanada jumps the stands barrier and runs to Yukimura, hugging him tight.
"You'll have to break up with Momoshiro now," Marui tells Jackal. They eat sushi at a place in Asakusa. Renji feeds Kirihara pieces with his chopsticks and tells him how proud Natsuko will be of her Daddy. Sanada feels a little weird when he hears that.
"Have my maguro," Yukimura says. The tuna melts in Sanada's mouth. The wasabi makes his tongue tingle. The shamisen music the sushi bar plays is soft and sweet strains in the background. The moment is perfect.
Underneath the table, Yukimura runs his hand along the inside of Sanada's thigh. No one can see. Sanada squeezes his legs together and hisses no. Yukimura's fingertips glide over the top of Sanada's damp underpants. He eats a scallop sashimi and smiles at Yagyuu. Sanada chokes.
There is a park near Sanada's home, with a shaded forest of zelkovas and maples and furry pines. The tree bark is hard and rough against Sanada's back when Yukimura fucks him. His legs are wrapped around Yukimura's waist. His head is thrown back and he sobs and pushes back on Yukimura's thrusts.
"Everyone else is going to have victory sex tonight," Yukimura murmurs. He helps Sanada adjust his t-shirt and pick leaves from his hair.
Later, Sanada thinks that they didn't use a condom.
***
They don't use condoms half the time, if Sanada really thinks about it.
Lazy ass! he thinks.
But he never does get pregnant.
***
The leaves are crimson on the maples and golden on the ginkos. The air is crisp and filled with the smell of roasted sweet potatoes. The crickets stop chirping when the first frost settles. A scout comes to morning tennis practice. He hangs around the edges of the court and speaks with the coach. He scrunches his brow at Niou, who has bought a pram along with a one-year who walks around and tips over a basket of balls.
The scout comes to afternoon practice and speaks to Yukimura. The two of them disappear into the gymnasium. Sanada's chest hurts. A laser beam of Yagyuu's zooms by his ear.
"The scout says I should go pro," Yukimura says. They walk home along the canal. The sun hovers low in the horizon through the forest of high-rise apartments. Sanada's ears are cold, and his hands are too.
He lays awake all night and he doesn't know why.
***
"I'm grounded," Yukimura says. "I yelled at my stupid parents because they said I had to finish stupid high school first. Tezuka didn't have to."
That evening, Sanada texts him: Tezuka cant live off endorsements 4ever.
Yukimura doesn't respond. Sanada has a hot bath. His breasts float. He nearly falls asleep in the water. He smells like scented minerals when he crawls into bed and sleeps through his four am alarm.
***
Sanada is fukubuchou again.
He likes yelling out laps. He likes yelling out swing counts and stretches. He stretches with Renji most of the time. Marui gropes and Yagyuu pushes down on his back too hard.
The high school girls' tennis club hasn't won a single match in fourteen years. The boys' team plays a near perfect season. Most high school teams don't care about winning-they're too focused on getting into universities.
"It's just like the junior high team!" Kirihara says. Except it isn't, because Niou doesn't play with them ("I manage" he says) and Kirihara holds Renji's hand during laps sometimes. Sanada gives him extra laps and the kid gives him grief.
Inappropriate touching should be kept off the courts.
Sanada conveniently doesn't mention that he and Yukimura never sweep the courts the nights they stay late. Sanada ducks into the storage shed. Yukimura pushes the cart of balls. They end up on the ground, Yukimura's hand down Sanada's shirt and Sanada's hand wrapped around his dick. Sanada never means for it to happen, but it always does.
Despite a perfect season, Shitenhoji wins the Nationals trophy.
It doesn't make any sense.
Jackal agrees to date Marui. "Just…please stop with the poems," he says. They are on the train home. Yukimura sits and stews across the carriage. Kirihara has a hand on Renji's knee. Sanada wears his track pants because he was too busy training this week to shave his legs.
Yagyuu bounces his son on his lap. Niou looks bored. "What poems?" he asks.
"My love sonnets," Marui says. He clears his throat and stands up. A salaryman takes his seat. He doesn't notice.
"'Jackal, you know I like big booty: is being my girlfriend your next duty?'"
Jackal smacks his forehead.
"Or, my classic, 'Jackal I like a piece of big round ass, I've got the goods you just can't pass'."
"Please stop," Jackal says.
Marui steps down the aisle toward him. He holds onto the handgrip and leans over. "'I'm really glad you turned you turned into a chick, because I know you want some of my-'"
***
Sanada takes the university entrance exams.
He studies for two months. Yukimura and Kirihara play tennis. He and Renji and Yagyuu hit the library. Marui says he's going to become a pastry chef but Yagyuu runs into him at one of the late-night cram schools.
Sanada goes for days without seeing Yukimura. He feels guilty-vaguely-and sends Yukimura a text every three nights. Once, he shuts his bedroom door, closes his curtains and takes off his shirt and bra. Sanada shivers. The air is cold. His nipples tighten until they hurt. He takes a picture with his cellphone. The picture looks like another woman: she stares and pouts her lip. Her breasts jut out and she has tan nipples. The hat is his own. Sanada cringes when he presses send.
"Good luck," Yukimura tells him before the final exam. "I have something planned."
Sanada walks out of the exam and the heavy burden slides off his shoulders. His bag does too.
"How did you think you did?" Yagyuu asks.
"Well enough," Sanada says. He sees Yukimura waving from the school gate and he thinks I aced it.
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Pairing(s): Yukimura/Sanada + others
Wordcount: 28 000
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created by Konomi Takeshi. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: Everything you can possibly imagine. Not for the weak of heart-or of mind. Spoilers for 40.5.
Summary: Sanada is a girl.
Author's notes: This is something I have been thinking about for a long time. It's everything I want to read in a fic, and then some. Written for Valentines 2008.
This fic has been truncated into 3 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is [mostly] a one-shot fic. [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]
Comments are most welcome.
Plus ça change, plus c'est la meme chose
"On the bright side," Renji says, "you can now live a normal life with Yukimura."
Sanada wants to strangle him. And he would, too, if it wasn't for the fact his breasts start to heave.
***
Waking up with his yukata flung wide open and his naked body cold against the winter elements (no central heating in the Sanada family home, no!) could never be a good way to start the day.
Compound that with the fact Sanada goes to tie himself back up and linger in bed those last precious minutes before 4am when he discovers two strange lumps on his chest that don't go away no matter how much he tries to smush them down, and his day is going rather poorly. Even by 3:52am.
His screaming wakes up the entire house and everyone: from grandfather to Ken-chan to Mom and Dad and even Nekochan the deaf old cat show up at his doorway, asking if he's all right.
"No I'm not all right!" Sanada yells. But his bellow is gone and his voice is now a high-pitched girl's wailing.
"You can wear one of my old bras," Mom offers.
***
"Really," Renji says. "It's not the end of the world."
Sanada's coat is zipped up to his chin, but his breasts still swell out on his chest and jiggle as he walks. His track pants are so tight over his bum and thighs that one false move will split them. Sanada minces his steps and tries to hide under his cap as best he can.
"I'll get Yukimura," Renji says. "You wait here."
The entire team is probably giggling at him under their Burberry scarves. The entire team probably knows who he is, under his cap and uniform, all misshapen and tight over this girl's body Sanada doesn't recognize. A pair of crows laughs at him from a tree branch, before the one mounts the other and starts to hump.
Yukimura walking across the court towards him-before Renji has a chance to speak-makes cold sweat freeze under Sanada's chin.
"Oi! You girl!" he yells. "Get off our courts and go play with the girls' team in the gym!"
"Yu-Yukimura!" Sanada shouts.
"Go on, git!" Yukimura waves his racket. "We don't want girls' cooties on our courts. Tell your cousin no girls allowed!"
"Yeah!" Kirihara adds.
At least Kirihara has the decency to notice Sanada afterward, even if his eyes bug out.
"Sucks to be you," Niou says, sprawled across a bench. He toys with his rat tail and curls it around his mitten.
The ironic thing is Niou cups his own breasts.
***
Sanada has to wear a skirt.
The girls' team swarms him like a hoard of gnats, buzzing and zooming about until he's left standing in the middle, cold and goosepimply. Sanada shivers. His leg hairs stick out.
"God, haven't you heard of a razor?" the captain asks him. She looks at his legs and turns up her nose.
***
He crushes them all in fifteen minutes flat.
"You call that tennis?" he yells. "You can't even hold a racket!"
It doesn't make up for the skirt, but at least he doesn't have pants to split.
The girls' team swarms him again in the showers, attacking with razors this time. Sanada is left there, humbled and hairless and bleeding from the long, stray cuts stinging his legs.
When they all leave, he punches the wall. Then, he cries until the water runs cold.
***
Yagyuu writes something in his diary during home ec.
The teacher forces Sanada to wear the strawberry-patterned apron. It matches the rest of the girls.
His brioches fall in the oven.
Yagyuu continues to write. Then, as Sanada scrapes his brioches into the bin one by one, he says, "Were you aware that Niou-kun and Jackal-kun are also girls?"
Sanada's throat catches. "Did- were they still allowed to play tennis?"
Yagyuu looks up from his diary and closes it. He tucks it into his sweater pocket. "Why not?" he asks. Then he walks off.
Girls always clean up in home ec.
***
Sanada eats his lunch alone. There are dark scabs on his knees where the socks don't cover. His skirt hitches up. It smells like the musty closet the nurse borrowed it from.
He's not welcome at tennis club. A boy laughed at him behind his back when Sanada carried his lunch tray around, searching for someone to eat with. The girls all turned away and snickered. "Man, her thighs are frigging tree trunks!" the boy said, leaning over to his friend.
The friend was Yukimura.
Sanada cries into his fried tofu. The steam curls into the frigid air of the stairwell, trailing off to nowhere.
He thinks about Yukimura and the tennis club and cries again. He sets his lunch down, grabs his bag and runs home. Sanada feels like an idiot.
His breasts bounce all the way there. His thighs slap against each other. He gets home and slides the dojo door shut, but his cap is missing.
Sanada sniffles.
***
The bra cuts into his back underneath the hakama.
"I have your cap," Renji says on the phone. "You forgot it at school. Yagyuu found it on his prefect rounds."
Sanada hangs up.
***
He wakes up and the breasts are still there, heavy and full against his chest.
He's split down the middle and his belly hurts. Sanada squeezes his eyes under the shower. His legs don't hurt, but his cunt does.
Blood swirls around the drain.
Mom only needs to see his white face at the breakfast table before she disappears, then hands him a box with his plate of toast and salad.
"Tampons for breakfast?" Dad asks.
Grandfather chokes.
"Sick," Ken-chan says.
Nekochan curls up between Sanada's legs when he crawls back into bed. She wedges herself right against his crotch and kneads his thigh.
At least the blood has stopped.
***
He's still not allowed at tennis club.
A freshman shoes him off, all red-cheeks and corkscrew locks.
Sanada never felt less manly in his life.
He buys a chocolate bar from the vending machine and eats the entire thing. Then, he plays the entire girls' club again and crushes them all in ten minutes flat.
"Aren't you here to play tennis?" he shouts at them.
"I saw your tampon string hanging out," the vice-captain says.
***
The first detention in his life is for the glorious reason of 'catfighting'.
The vice-captain is missing a chunk of her hair extensions. Sanada suffers minor claw marks on his arm.
He sweeps the gymnasium at lunch time. The vice-captain pushes a broom around and picks her nails.
"You're a bitch," she says.
Sanada glares from under his cap. "You're a lazy ass."
"Since when is tennis club for practicing tennis? Unless you're a boy…"
She screams when Sanada rips off her fake eyelashes. Sanada screams when she twists his breasts. Marui screams with glee when he walks into the gymnasium and finds them on the floor, writhing and shrieking and pulling hair.
***
"You aren't welcome on the tennis team," the coach says. "You're causing unnecessary tension between the girls."
Sanada cries himself to sleep.
***
Renji calls to ask if he's all right.
Yagyuu calls to ask if Sanada wants his homework collected.
Mom calls to ask if he needs Midol.
Yukimura never calls.
***
He quits the girls' tennis team and joins the yoga club.
His mom buys him an extra support sports bra.
Sanada dumps out his tennis bag to carry his yoga mat around. The sight of his abandoned Babolat makes him sniffle.
He's the only person in yoga club.
The washitsu is lonely and cold. He contorts his body and his leg gets stuck behind his neck. It's an hour before someone finds him. A boy from class 3C.
His cellphone rang and he couldn't reach it. Yukimura's name flashes on the LCD screen.
Sanada deletes the message.
***
Renji says, "Yukimura says-"
"I don't want to hear it," Sanada snaps. The stairwell is drafty. His skirt flutters up.
***
"Do you know what buchou says?" Kirihara asks. He hops from foot to foot, grinning like the brat he is.
Sanada slams his binder shut. Kirihara cringes. Sanada slaps him across the face. Kirihara doesn't bat an eyelash. It makes the smack worthless. "Leave me alone," he says. "And stop staring at my chest."
"Sorry," Kirihara mutters. "I didn't meanta."
***
Yukimura approaches his locker. Sanada hides behind the door and pretends not to see him. He ducks his head and grabs his math textbook.
"Sanada!" Yukimura says.
Sanada slams his door shut and turns around. He tries to walk away as quickly as he can. His breasts bounce. Their weight makes his back ache.
"Sanada!" Yukimura says. He runs up to Sanada and ahead, standing in the way. Sanada darts to the side and Yukimura touches his arm.
"I- sorry," Yukimura says. Sanada won't look him in the eye. "I didn't know who you were that day. I- I thought you were your cousin."
"I don't have a cousin," Sanada mumbles.
"Yeah, Jackal told me that," Yukimura says. He sighs. His hand is hot and clammy on Sanada's sleeve. "Will you come back?"
Sanada tries to push Yukimura away. Yukimura slides his hand lower, his fingertips dancing over Sanada's hand. Sanada shivers. His nipples harden. Yukimura looks at them. Sanada feels very uncomfortable.
"Will you be my girlfriend, too?"
***
They hold hands during tennis practice.
Sanada wears his skirt.
He showers alone and Yukimura waits for him. "Yagyuu says girls need to be walked home," he says.
"I- no they don't!" Sanada says.
Yukimura holds his hand as they walk, palm to sticky palm. They pause at the gate to Sanada's home and Sanada blushes and looks away. "Bye," he says. He runs inside before Yukimura can see or do anything else. His heart flutters under his breast and he feels tingly between his legs.
***
"The high school coach said we can play mixed games," Yukimura says.
Sanada lies back on his futon. Yukimura crawls on top of his body and kisses him. It's slimy and good. Sanada kisses him back until Yukimura sticks a hand on his thigh and tries to push his skirt up.
"No," he says.
"It was worth a shot," Yukimura says.
"I think it's time for you to go home," Sanada says. "My mom will be back from the grocery store soon."
Maybe next time is what Sanada doesn't say.
***
"The first time, Yagyuu did me so hard I bled," Niou says.
***
"But the second time, he licked me until I came first."
Sanada's eyes pop out. "Girls can…?" He waves his hand. He can't say the word.
Niou nods.
***
"We're too young for dating," Sanada mumbles.
Yukimura licks his neck. "That's okay."
There is snow falling outside. It collects on the roof tiles, a powder of silence when Yukimura isn't kissing his shoulder.
Yukimura fumbles with the top button on Sanada's blouse. Sanada puts a hand over his. "I mean it," he says.
***
Sanada doesn't make a very good girlfriend.
He doesn't giggle at Yukimura's jokes (throwing a snowball at Niou and causing a chain reaction involving a barrage directed back at Sanada isn't funny). He doesn't bat his lashes. He's not demure or sweet. Sanada tends to stomp and scowl and he knows it. The only days he does blush are when Yukimura asks him to the school rooftop because he knows what Yukimura wants to do there.
Their breath steams up the inside of the winter garden. The vegetable plants and tomato vines drip with moisture under Sanada's fingers than fall from Yukimura's back when Yukimura kisses him against the glass wall. He tastes like the yakitori lunch special from the cafeteria.
"Someone could see," Sanada mumbles. Yukimura kisses the side of his mouth and rubs his nose on Sanada's cheek. His hand is on Sanada's thigh, crawling up his skirt toward his underpants.
Yukimura will expect girly panties, maybe with frills and pink and ribbon, not white y-fronts. Sanada squeezes his legs together and swats at Yukimura's hand. "No," he says. "No…"
It's getting harder. Yukimura is getting harder. His erection burns Sanada's hip. He shivers. The air is thick with mist. Yukimura licks saliva from his lips. His heavy sigh makes Sanada feel a tinge of guilt, but no enough to give in.
He smoothes his skirt out and fixes his cap. Yukimura frowns.
After tennis, instead of asking Yukimura to hold his bag, Sanada offers to carry Yukimura's. Yukimura's forehead furrows before he laughs and calls Sanada a dummy.
Sanada almost wishes he knew how to be a good girlfriend.
***
"Do you ever think that we're having a sexual identity crisis?" Jackal asks. His breath puffs in the air, frosting his scarf.
Sanada's footsteps crunch.
"I mean," Jackal says, "I'm straight and I'm a guy. So does that mean I have to be a lesbian now?"
Niou spits a wad of mucus onto the pavement. For all his feminine curves and curled eyelashes, he's not a woman either. "I'm not confused. I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body. I like cock. I like Yagy-"
He slaps a hand over Niou's mouth. "Don't say it," Sanada says.
Niou shrugs. "I do, though," he says. "No crisis for me."
***
Jackal's girlfriend has full lips, but her shoulders are wide. They hold hands in the hallways and exchange notes at lunch time. Sanada thinks they look more like friends than lovers.
Jackal tries out being a lesbian for a week.
"It's not working," he says. "I-"
"-like cock?" Niou offers.
Marui stops chewing his gum and grins.
***
Yukimura finds him in the washitsu on Valentines.
"No giri choco?" he asks. The door closes with an infinite click. Sanada swallows. The dust motes are thick here. The tatami smells sweet and musty. It dampens Yukimura's footsteps.
Yukimura sticks his hand under Sanada's underpants and slides a finger up inside. He moans. "You're so wet…"
Tarundoru is on the tip of his tongue. His hands shake and he's ready to push Yukimura away and say No we're too YOUNG!
It's better than any chocolate. Not that Sanada particularly likes chocolate, but he does like Yukimura's finger stroking the inside of his cunt. He gasps. Sanada's eyes roll back. He almost doesn't believe this low smouldeing burn could be this good.
Because girls can come too.
***
He's too ashamed to ask the school nurse.
He's too ashamed to ask Niou or Jackal, or even Renji, who knows everything and offers nothing without consequences.
But nothing happens. His period comes five days later, on perfect schedule.
Sanada asks Niou about it in gym in a roundabout, girly way. They are the last two in the showers, not really girls, but not boys either. Sanada resents Niou and his lack of body hair. Sanada turns his back to hide his body. Niou may be gay, but he leers.
"I'm irregular," Niou says. He soaps his breasts up. His nipples stick out from under the suds.
Sanada hates him.
***
They play tennis instead of dating.
Sanada likes that best. Nothing has changed, not until Yukimura pounces in the change rooms. Everything changes when Yukimura peels the towel from Sanada's body and touches his engorged nipples and his cunt, wet from the shower and now Yukimura's fingers too. Sanada gasps and strains into Yukimura's hand.
Yukimura cuts him off with a kiss.
They do it on one of the old wooden benches, carved with names and dates from bygone teams. One more memory for the creaking old seat when Yukimura thrusts and Sanada's eyes fly open, the terrifying moment of intimacy lulling into Yukimura's rhythmic thrusting and sloppy kisses.
It doesn't hurt the way Niou said. Sanada doesn't want to think about what that does-or doesn't-mean.
Yukimura comes inside of him. "I can't get you pregnant," he whispers. "Don't worry."
Sanada doesn't ask about that either. The thought lingers until Yukimura fucks him again against the lockers. The metal door clangs. Sanada's bare bum is cold. Yukimura's chest squishes his breasts.
They walk to the bus stop together and say nothing. Sanada lies in bed at night, his flesh seared with Yukimura's memory and he can't sleep.
Later, Sanada realizes today is Yukimura's birthday.
***
They don't speak for two weeks. The tennis courts are closed. The nets are packed and stored away. Sanada practices kendo at lunchtime and catches up with math homework. Yukimura has beautification committee meetings and flower planting to do on the rooftop.
He doesn't know what to say. When he's alone, he thinks about Yukimura's hands on his breasts and Yukimura's lips on his thighs. He slips a hand between his legs, but it isn't the same.
Sanada eats lunch by himself. He tucks his skirt around his thighs and sits on the window ledge. His bum is cold. The draft cuts through his sweater. The school bentos taste like cardboard.
He practices in the dojo. His grandfather gives him a woman's hakama to wear, but the swords feel the same in his hands.
On the last day of school, a fog cloud hangs over the city. It blinds Sanada to the salarymen who catcall him on the train platform. He holds his textbook against his chest, but it doesn't help.
The mist creeps around the school building, a blurry wash that tastes of salt drifting off the ocean.
Before class starts, Yagyuu walks up to Sanada's desk. "Did something happen between you and Yukimura-kun?" he asks.
Sanada grunts. "It's none of your business."
"Yukimura-kun seems depressed," Yagyuu says.
Sanada says nothing.
"Perhaps you should talk about it with him and discuss your goals and trajectories to clarify what you both want," Yagyuu says. He must have spoken with Renji.
"I didn't ask for advice," Sanada mutters.
His pencil snaps during first class. The girl sitting beside him lends Sanada a Hello Kitty pencil. The sparkles collect in the spine of his textbook and all over his lap.
***
Yukimura sits on his window ledge. There is a cafeteria tray beside him. Sanada turns around to find somewhere else to eat, but Yukimura calls out his name.
"Can we talk?"
Sanada cringes.
The ledge is damp, but the hot spaghetti on Yukimura's tray warmed up the spot where Sanada sits down. He says nothing. He looks at his feet. The white school shoes are dirty at the toe.
"Did I do it wrong?" Yukimura asks.
Sanada shakes his head.
Yukimura frowns. "You keep ignoring me," he says. "I don’t know what to do."
Sanada frowns too. He doesn't understand this. It's very awkward. He doesn't want to be a girl.
"Sanada," Yukimura says. He touches the side of Sanada's face and smears a tear with his thumb. "Change can be okay. You're still you."
"Here," Yukimura says. He opens Sanada's hand and tucks a small box into his palm. Sanada lifts the lid. He lifts his eyes to Yukimura.
"It was my White Day present for you. You're pretty," Yukimura says. He opens the hair pin and slides it through Sanada's hair. "I think you're the prettiest girl and the best tennis player."
Sanada wears the hair pin all afternoon. The girl beside him whispers to her friend, jealous and murmuring something about Vivienne Westwood and damn, that must be expensive.
Sanada smiles to himself. He answers the question in English class before Yagyuu has a chance to stand up.
***
Yukimura comes over to his house. There is no one home. Sanada makes tea in the kitchen and fills two of the raku cups with it. He carries the tray to his bedroom. Yukimura sits next to his futon, which he forgot to fold up this morning.
He remembers the last time Yukimura was here. Sanada hands him a cup and their fingers brush.
Yukimura takes one sip, then sets the cup down. He starts to speak, but he stops and takes Sanada's cup away too. His fingers wrap around Sanada's wrists and pull him down on top of his lap. Sanada swallows. His heart flutters with doki doki wings.
The light through his window is muted. Sanada straddles Yukimura's waist and lets Yukimura unbutton his shirt and fumble with the bra. He sighs into Yukimura's hands and Yukimura's kisses pressed under his ear.
"Is this weird?" Yukimura asks him. He rubs his finger on that spot between Sanada's legs. Sanada gasps. He missed that. His own fingers were never enough.
"Sanada…" Yukimura moans. He grunts when Sanada touches him, stroking his cock between their bodies until he shifts up enough. Yukimura pushes on his hipbones. Sanada is on his knees and Yukimura under him.
His breasts bounce. Yukimura fills him, stretches him and pants. His fingers dig into Sanada's sides. Sanada feels exposed in the filtered light of spring that coats his body and makes him shiver. His nipples stiffen. Yukimura sucks on them and chews until Sanada cries.
They roll over and do it again, with Yukimura on top and the tatami under Sanada's naked back. Yukimura comes between his breasts and murmurs that he loves Sanada. Sanada tastes the come on his chin. It makes him think of the fog outside, rolling in from the sea.
After, they sit on Sanada's futon and drink the tea. It has gone cold, but Sanada is warm enough.
***
The streetcourts open up the last week of March. Every day, Sanada plays with Yukimura. He wears two sports bras. Yukimura has a new racket and a canister of balls that smells of fresh rubber.
They go to Yukimura's house after. His sister and grandmother are away. His father is overseas on business and his mother off at the shopping centre. They have sex as fast as they can, then lie there panting hard, like they've just played another one set match of tennis.
The weather is warming and the cherry trees in blossom. They walk through the parks on the other side of the city and hold hands. The hair pin matches the trees. Yukimura sticks flowers in Sanada's hair and says he looks like a girl, even when he says "Tarundoru" and pouts.
"I don't pout," Sanada mutters.
He goes shopping with Renji on Thursday. "I need new clothes," Renji says. Sanada's mom gives him money for a new yukata, too.
"You fixed your relationship with Seiichi," Renji says. He stuffs the bag underneath the café table.
"Aa," Sanada says. The parfaits are tasty here. He orders a chocolate strawberry one and eats the cream off the top first. Then he mixes the rest together. Renji reads a book. Occasionally, he says something about tennis club in high school. It's like they used to be, only Sanada has breasts and two spare tampons in his bag, just in case.
***
The first day of high school, they all eat together. The building is scary. The freshmen are the bottom of the pack again. The seniors whistle at Sanada when he walks by. He slaps one on the way to lunch and the senior shuts up, calling him a bitch instead.
There is a grassy knoll at the back of the campus. It overlooks the tennis courts. The ground is moist under Sanada's legs. Yukimura spreads his sweater down for Sanada. Niou spreads himself across Yagyuu's lap and eats from Yagyuu's fingers. Renji eats from Marui's Familymart bag.
"I didn't think you liked cheetos," Sanada says.
Renji looks at him. His face is round. He's not gangly anymore.
"I'm pregnant," Renji says.
"Eh?" Sanada says.
"By Akaya," Renji says.
"WHAT?" Sanada yells.
Renji swipes another cheeto. "I'm due in three months."
***
"He's only six months younger than Seiichi," Renji says. "And he gives amazing head."
Sanada bangs his head against his locker.
"He's the number one at something," Renji adds.
Sanada has a headache all afternoon.
***
"No girls," the captain says.
"Play them first," Yukimura says. "You want to win the Nationals or not this year?"
Sanada hides under his cap. It's embarrassing.
"Hey…did the whole junior high school team have sex changes or something?" Nishiki asks.
"Puri," Niou says. He gives Nishiki the finger. Jackal whispers to Marui that it isn't worth the effort.
"Go play with the girls' team, Sanada," the captain says.
"I'll crush you!" Sanada shouts. The captain laughs. When he loses 6-0, he cries and says girls can play. Mixed team, no rules against that.
"I double-checked," Renji says.
***
They have special uniforms made. Renji arranges for Kirihara's older sister to make them. "She's very crafty," he says. "She also knits onesies."
Sanada thinks the skirts are too short, so he wears a pair of shorts underneath his. Niou wears pink panties some days and blue boxer-briefs on others. Jackal wears spandex shorts. Renji wears track pants.
Whenever Kirihara comes to visit, Sanada boxes his ear. "Use condoms!" he snaps.
Kirihara forces a laugh. "I'm gonna be responsible, Sanada-senpai. Jeez." He rubs his ear. Sanada swats him again.
***
Sanada frowns. Renji hits a lob. Sanada returns it with his backhand. It feels good to sweat and move around the court.
"Didn't you think about…" He uses a forehand shot. Renji leans down. He's going to use a slice. Sanada rocks back on his foot. His skirt flips up. "About getting rid of it?"
Renji blinks and the ball shoots up off the rim of his racket. Sanada smashes the ball down. Renji hums. "I told Akaya no," he says. "He asked me months ago, Genichirou."
"You're not married," Sanada says. He sets up a serve. A group of girls from the volleyball team walk by. One points and says "Yeah, she's a bitch who used to be a guy."
Sanada scowls.
Renji looks at him. His eyes are narrow and small. "Genichirou," he says, "it's not the end of the world if I'm a teenager."
"Besides," he adds, "maybe I just want it."
Sanada doesn't answer.
***
Sanada and Yukimura don't have time for sex with the season coming up. Except on Saturday afternoons, after the tennis club clears the change rooms. Yukimura and Sanada both have clubhouse keys. They're regulars this year already.
The showers smell like feet. Sanada doesn't always remember to shave his legs-or his armpits-but Yukimura doesn't seem to mind. They slip and slide and kiss against the tile walls. Yukimura tickles Sanada's stomach. Sanada pinches Yukimura's nipples until he begs for mercy. It gets easier as time goes on: to forget about the weirdness and the pregnant pauses and the times that Sanada has to mumble about that time of the month so no we can't right now.
On Sunday, Yukimura comes over for supper. Ken-chan asks how Sanada is as a girlfriend. Yukimura flushes and Sanada does too. Sanada kicks his brother under the table.
"He's a very nice boy," Mom says. "You two have been friends for such a long time, maybe one day…"
Sanada stomps off before he hears anymore. He slams his bedroom door closed and texts Yukimura. Nekochan meowls outside his doorway until Sanada relents and lets her inside. She kneads the end of his futon as he works on his literature homework. She steps all over his stomach and breasts with her paws and leaves bruises darker than Yukimura's hickeys.
***
"Did you know that girls can masturbate?" Jackal asks.
Renji clears his throat.
A vein bursts in Sanada's forehead. He says nothing.
Niou sniffs. His lip curls up in a smirk. "Yeah."
Jackal blinks. "You guys could have told me that sooner!"
***
Renji plays tennis with them until the end of June. After, he hangs around the sidelines for two weeks. He isn't fat, just a bit round around the middle. He has the distinct swell of small breasts, but he wears his jacket most days.
He disappears one day in mid-July. They are playing the regionals next week. Yagyuu takes Renji's place on the regulars. The team will play the finals against Hyoutei. Sanada does not want to deal with Atobe, though he's sure that Atobe has probably heard the rumours by now.
Sanada gets a call in the dojo, after supper. Kirihara's voice cracks. "Gu-ess what?" he asks.
Sanada doesn't guess.
He and Yukimura visit Renji in the hospital. They bring a card and a bunch of balloons, bought at the gift shop on the main floor. Renji looks calm, but he has large purple bags under his eyes. His hair is a mess. "Do you want to hold her?" he asks.
Before Sanada can shake his head, Renji slides the baby into Sanada's arms. Sanada stands there and doesn't move. It's heavier than he expected. He could drop her.
She doesn't scream at him, but she's red-faced and has a mop of hair like Kirihara. Kirihara beams and takes her into his own arms after, holding her tight to his chest. He holds Renji's hand and Sanada feels ill when he sees that, but at the same time, a warm sense of pride swells in his chest for his friends.
He and Yukimura stop for ramen at the train station. The smell of fried gyoza and spilled beer is a welcome change from hospital antiseptic. Yukimura's shoulders relax. He relaxes and sits beside Sanada at the counter. His sneaker taps Sanada's.
"She has a pretty name," Yukimura says. "Natsuko is very summery sounding."
Sanada slurps his noodles. The baby smelled like sour milk. He doesn't know anything about children, so he nods. Tomorrow, he will go to Renji's classroom and collect his homework for him. He wonders how long it will take Renji to come back to school and to tennis club. He wonders if Renji will ever be the same again. Sanada stares at the bucket of green onions on the bar counter and he resents the baby for taking his friend away.
Then he feels just as guilty for the thought. Yukimura chucks the brim of his cap and asks if he's okay. Sanada says yes.
"Don't be nervous about the regionals," Yukimura says.
***
Renji shows up to the regionals with the baby strapped to his chest. Kirihara isn't with him. "He has games too," Renji says, "with the junior high team. They're playing Rokkaku."
The high school cheerleaders coo over the baby and ask to hold her. They are the same girls who played tennis last year, the same girls who Sanada scowls at it. "Ignore them," Jackal says, but he's too busy watching the Hyoutei side.
Niou doesn't come. Sanada scowls at that, too, and crosses his arms over his breasts. "Niou-kun isn't feeling well. He's, ah…" Yagyuu coughs. "It's that time of the month for him."
It is almost the same time for Sanada, too, but he doesn't say that. He flushes and Yagyuu's eyes go wide. Yagyuu looks away and sits as far on the bench from Sanada as he can. Sanada's cunt throbs, just a little. He feels sweatier than usual between his thighs. They stick to each other when he crosses his legs.
Sanada plays Oshitari Yuushi. Oshitari leers at him, watching his breasts bounce instead of the ball. Sanada hates it. Oshitari doesn't seem to care.
"Ne, I could give you my number," Oshitari says. He's lost the match 6-0. He waggles his eyebrows and smirks.
Yukimura cuts in before Sanada can raise his fist. Sanada's face is on fire. Yukimura smiles and pats Sanada on the arm. He slides his hand down Sanada's elbow and looks at Oshitari. "Sanada's not interested," he says.
Yukimura plays Atobe because the Rikkai doubles two suck. Atobe laughs and poses and the sun shines a halo around his hair, all grown back now. "I heard Rikkai were a bunch of girls now," he says.
Yukimura says, "Watch the ball, Atobe."
Atobe uses his Hametsu no Rondo. His gaze drips over Sanada, watching him, lingering the same way Oshitari's did, only longer. Sanada feels undressed. He purses his lips and puts his jacket on, zipping it up to his chin. Atobe keeps watching him with that cocky quirk. He smashes a ball and looks to Sanada. This is what I can do, aren't you impressed?
Atobe hasn't changed at all.
Yukimura beats him. Sanada makes sure to stand close to Yukimura and brush their hands together as the teams shake hands. Don't get any ideas, he thinks.
Oshitari stares at his chest. Atobe gropes his hand with a stroking thumb.
When they get on the train to Kanagawa, Sanada grabs Yukimura's hand at the wrong stop and leads him onto the platform. Yukimura asks and Sanada says nothing. His knees shake and there is sweat in the valley between his breasts. His hat is hot to the touch-the black absorbs the summer's heat.
They walk downtown and pass two hotels before Sanada finds one: Hotel It's Christmas Time! He blows his allowance on one room, instead of a new racket. Yukimura's mouth drops when Sanada hands him the key.
In a cold room, stifling with air conditioning and red, blinking lights on a plastic Christmas tree, Sanada sinks to his knees and sucks Yukimura off. Yukimura chokes and gasps and thrusts into Sanada's mouth. His come tastes gross. Sanada licks it off his mouth as Yukimura lays back on the bed, panting and flaccid. He climbs over Yukimura. The bed bounces as he throws his own uniform off.
The lights flash all over his body, a kaleidoscope. Christmas music plays in the background and they can order pay-per-view porn later if they want. Sanada is wet and slick and his cunt is on fire. He shoves Yukimura down when he tries to sit up.
I want this. He grinds his hips down. Yukimura isn't soft anymore. Sanada gets on his knees and tells Yukimura two words. Yukimura's eyes go dark and the surprised look fades from his face.
He fucks Sanada hard.
Sanada screams enough that he can't explain to his family why he doesn't get home until almost eleven o'clock that night. His voice cracks. His hips hurt. He's been rubbed raw inside and his clit is so sensitive he winces when he walks.
He's grounded and has to sweep the dojo for a week. It's no different than usual. Ken-chan never helps out anyway. Now he has the excuse that Sanada is a girl.
***
Atobe sends him a text message. Sanada deletes it.
Oshitari sends five. Sanada forwards those to Atobe, then deletes them all too.
They don't send any more messages.
***
Niou skips tennis practice when he has cramps.
Jackal wears a heating pad. Marui offers to warm him up instead.
Renji says, "I'm more or less experiencing the equivalent of a two-month long period at the moment." Most days, he brings the baby to practice. She sleeps in a pram when he does stretches and runs a lap or two.
Sanada doesn't miss a single practice. Sanada runs through his cramps and lobs through the gas he sometimes gets too. He grinds his teeth and bears it. The nationals are coming up. He's called a bitch behind his back-when he catches those players who snicker, he backhands them.
No one likes to be hit by a girl.
***
Yagyuu answers his cellphone. It rang during their practice games and he ignored it. Niou wasn't in gym class today. Sanada had no one to talk to. Boys and girls are separated for soccer games and Marui-as much as he's interested in Jackal-has little interest in Sanada.
Sanada adjusts his grip tape. Yagyuu scowls and says, "It's not funny this time either, Niou-kun. Stop joking around!" Sanada listens, but he turns away when Yagyuu clicks his tongue.
"I'll come by when I'm done. Stop playing jokes on me!" Yagyuu snaps. He switches his cellphone off and tucks it into his pocket. "Please excuse me," he tells Sanada.
Sanada goes home. He eats supper and calls Yukimura. They talk on the phone about tennis in whispers. Yukimura says he misses Sanada. Sanada blushes and tells him to be quieter in case his family hears. They haven't been alone in three weeks. Sanada's body hums, horny and desperate when he's alone in bed and he rubs his clit until he comes most nights. It's not the same. His misses Yukimura's warm, heavy weight on top of him and Yukimura's hot, hard dick inside him.
He practices in the dojo and does his homework. He goes to bed. He masturbates and thinks about Yukimura, who said yesterday that he thinks about Sanada all the time and is he free tomorrow after practice…?
Tomorrow, Sanada finds out that Niou wasn't joking around. Yagyuu finds him at home, crying and bleeding and alone. He cried wolf three times before and freaked Yagyuu out, but when it actually happens, Yagyuu doesn't show up until four hours after Niou gives birth in his bathroom.
When Renji tells Sanada this, he doesn't believe it. Yagyuu doesn't come to school. Marui says Niou has been gone for three days. "He said he had cramps real bad," Marui says. "Guess he's not coming back to tennis either."
***
"Are you pregnant?" Sanada asks.
Jackal blinks. His hair is growing out. It is 1cm now and prickly.
"No," he says. "I'm not a slut. I haven't slept with anyone."
Marui lurks behind the locker. Sanada can smell his bubblegum.
"Good," Sanada says.
***
They are the first mixed teams to play in the Nationals.
But they aren't the first mixed team to win the Nationals.
Yukimura swears at the captain when he sees the lineup.
After they lose, Yukimura gets 500 laps. Sanada has to count them. Renji helps, but mid-way through the baby starts to cry and he walks off. Yukimura doesn't cheat and Sanada would make sure of it. He finishes when the sky is black and Sanada's stomach growls. Yukimura is more bitter about the Nationals than he is.
They never made a promise for high school.
On the way to the bus stop, they buy bentos at a conbini and eat them in a park. Sanada can hear indiscrete couples having sex in the hydrangea bushes. Everything smells like flowers, except for Yukimura's tempura fish.
Sanada kisses Yukimura on the lips. They are greasy and Sanada wipes the crumbs from his mouth afterwards. Yukimura doesn't say a word, except, "Is my tennis form terrible?"
It's not. Sanada says as much. He walks himself home under the warm night sky. The world is damp and humid and clings to his bare arms. He picks another tempura crumb from his lips and eats it. It tastes like Yukimura's kisses.
***
Niou doesn't play tennis again.
Renji does.
Marui catches Jackal on a date. "You- you're FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY!" he screams.
"He's nice," Jackal says.
"He's from HYOUTEI!"
"Atobe?" Sanada snaps. He sucks in a breath. His jaw drops. Marui spits out his gum.
"No no no!" Jackal says. He waves his hands and shakes his head. "His name is Hiyoshi, he-"
"ENEMY!" Marui yells. He runs off. No one runs after him.
Jackal rubs his temple. "It's just casual," he says. "We've just gone on a couple dates to the movies, that's all."
Sanada eyes him.
Jackal runs a hand over his hair. "I swear. I'm not messing around. I'm not pregnant, either."
Renji raises an eyebrow.
Jackal only dates Hiyoshi a couple weeks. Sanada knows it's over when Marui sidles up to Jackal one lunch hour and offers him a stick of gum. They play doubles in tennis most days again, too. Without Niou on the team, they are guaranteed spots are regulars next year.
Marui tells this fact to Niou one morning when Niou hangs around on the edges of the court. Niou curls his lip. His chest is big now, as big as Sanada's, but his breasts hang heavier and he smells faintly milky, like Renji.
When Niou waves a breast pump in front of Marui's face at lunch, he's had his revenge. Sanada feels bad enough for Niou to let it slide. The pump looks painful. Niou always looks tired and has a gaunt depression to his cheeks in the way Renji never does.
***
"Sometimes I wondered if we were poisoned," Renji says.
Sanada looks up from picking a ball out of the basket.
"I wondered if Sadaharu was responsible. After all, it's odd that four of us were…"
Sanada clears his throat.
"But it wasn't."
When Renji says nothing more, Sanada prompts him. "What was it, then?"
"The only logical explanation I have is aliens," Renji says.
"Don't read Yagyuu's sci-fi mystery novels," Sanada says.
Yagyuu blinks. "I actually prefer Agatha Christie."
***
"Can you help me with some homework?" Yukimura asks. He touches Sanada's wrist.
Sanada brings his chemistry textbook. Yukimura's mother offers him hot pot. Yukimura's sister is away at cram school. They shut the door to Yukimura's bedroom and Sanada's heart flutters. He's numb between the legs.
"Are you doing combustion reactions too?" he asks. His voice cracks.
Yukimura laughs. "Sit down on my bed," he whispers.
Sanada sets his cap aside. He licks his lips. Yukimura sits down beside him and presses a thumb across Sanada's lips. Sanada bits his fingertip and moans.
Yukimura takes his hand away. Instead, he picks up a pencil and a sketchpad. "We're doing live models in art class," he says. "Can I draw you, Sanada?"
Sanada squirms. Yukimura tells him to sit still.
Sanada wiggles. His underpants feel sweaty and there is a pool of tension coiled up in his belly. He parts his lips and sighs. Yukimura continues to draw.
Yukimura wins first place in the art contest held in December. Sanada never sees the drawing, but Renji and Yagyuu say it is very good.
***
They don't celebrate anniversaries.
Yukimura doesn't remember and Sanada doesn't remind him. They eat ramen and play tennis on the indoor university courts and they have sex in Sanada's bedroom when his family isn't home. When his family is home, Sanada bites his lip to stay silent, but the slapping sounds of their flesh are loud enough to make him wince anyway.
On Christmas Eve they go on an official date. Ken-chan teases him. Mom says Sanada needs lip-gloss. His lips feel greasy and sticky, but Yukimura smiles when he stands in the foyer and waits for Sanada to get his cap and scarf.
There is an exhibition on at the city art gallery, Impressionist Nudes. Sanada blushes and turns away from the first few paintings. Too many fleshy figures under too many voyeuristic gazes. Yukimura holds his hand.
"This one is my favourite," he says. Sanada reads the label. The name is in French. He doesn't understand the words L'origine du monde until he reads the Japanese translation. Sanada looks at the painting and turns away just as quickly.
Sanada's favourite is Kuroda Seiiki. The triptych panels glimmer, three nude woman against a gold background. He prefers Japanese art. Yukimura calls him old-fashioned.
He has a curfew of midnight. There is a love hotel nearby. Together, they have 5800 yen between themselves.
"Do you see why I liked the Courbet?" Yukimura asks. Sanada clutches the sheets and lips his hips. The pleasure is so intense that he's crying and begging Yukimura with hands in his hair to stop and to go on all at once. Yukimura's hair tickles the inside of his thigh. Yukimura's tongue curls inside him until Sanada's senses explode and he comes.
***
"How was the art?" Ken-chan asks.
Sanada ducks his head. He grunts. "Don't you have a date too?"
***
Sanada has to save up for a new racket. His favourite Babolat is beat up and there is a new model, lighter than air at the tennis shop downtown near the piers north of Chinatown. He can't afford anything special on Valentines for Yukimura.
I'm not a girl! he thinks, but he accepts Mom's offer to help him make homemade chocolates. Sanada packs them up in a small box and places a calligraphy sheet on top. The characters are beautiful, bold black ink on thin rice paper. The paper absorbs the oil from the chocolates, dotting the back side.
Yukimura eats all sixteen in one sitting. The giri choco other classmates give him Yukimura hands to Marui at tennis practice.
Sanada thinks the effort was entirely worth it.
***
On White Day, Yukimura says, "I love you, too."
Sanada wears the cherry blossom hair pin all day.
***
Renji plays tennis this year, all year. Kirihara joins the team. He joins the regulars too and Nishiki says its nepotism. Kirihara kicks his ass. Niou comes to practices, but he never plays. He spends more time playing with his baby (on the days the coach doesn't tell him to leave the baby at home) and switching tennis bags around on people. He sprays Sanada in the back of the head with a water gun.
Sanada raises his hand, but Niou holds up the baby as a shield. "Can’t hit me," he says. The baby blinks at Sanada. He looks like Yagyuu already, only balder.
Jackal has a new boyfriend. Momoshiro shows up one afternoon and shouts instead of speaks. Sanada grinds his teeth. Jackal seems smitten. He giggles behind his hand and makes goo-goo eyes. His hair is long enough now for rows of yellow barrettes. He changes into a sleeveless shirt after practice and tells Momoshiro that he's cold.
"Sleeping with the enemy," Marui mutters under breath.
"If you like Jackal-kun, why don't you say that directly, Marui-kun" Yagyuu says.
Marui glares at Yagyuu. He asks to play doubles with Kirihara next week, but he spends more time on the bench, watching Jackal use the ball machines.
"What's so interesting about fraternizing with the enemy?" he asks. "Fucking Mata Hari. Traitor."
***
Jackal dates Momoshiro all season. The captain introduces a new rule that no outside players are allowed to come to practice. Niou comes anyway. He leaves a stink bomb in the captain's locker with Jackal's help.
Sanada plays doubles with Renji in the regionals. Yamabuki's Jimmies stare at them, two girls in tennis skirts and Rikkai jerseys.
"Er…" the tall one says.
"Um…" the other Jimmie scratches his head with his racket, "I thought this was the boys' division."
"We are boys!" Sanada snaps. Renji raises an eyebrow at him. Sanada ignores it.
They win the regionals and the nationals. Sanada's new Babolat sings through his smashes and volleys. His body vibrates when he plays Seigaku's Fuji. He doesn't need to go into the Muga, but he's as swift as the wind and his racket an extension of his arm. He invades Fuji's court like a ripple of flames. They've practiced harder this year and Renji's menu was better than ever. Sanada's thighs are bigger, muscled and hard like his biceps. After Kirihara wins against Momoshiro and screams his victory into the clay court (Marui cheers), Sanada jumps the stands barrier and runs to Yukimura, hugging him tight.
"You'll have to break up with Momoshiro now," Marui tells Jackal. They eat sushi at a place in Asakusa. Renji feeds Kirihara pieces with his chopsticks and tells him how proud Natsuko will be of her Daddy. Sanada feels a little weird when he hears that.
"Have my maguro," Yukimura says. The tuna melts in Sanada's mouth. The wasabi makes his tongue tingle. The shamisen music the sushi bar plays is soft and sweet strains in the background. The moment is perfect.
Underneath the table, Yukimura runs his hand along the inside of Sanada's thigh. No one can see. Sanada squeezes his legs together and hisses no. Yukimura's fingertips glide over the top of Sanada's damp underpants. He eats a scallop sashimi and smiles at Yagyuu. Sanada chokes.
There is a park near Sanada's home, with a shaded forest of zelkovas and maples and furry pines. The tree bark is hard and rough against Sanada's back when Yukimura fucks him. His legs are wrapped around Yukimura's waist. His head is thrown back and he sobs and pushes back on Yukimura's thrusts.
"Everyone else is going to have victory sex tonight," Yukimura murmurs. He helps Sanada adjust his t-shirt and pick leaves from his hair.
Later, Sanada thinks that they didn't use a condom.
***
They don't use condoms half the time, if Sanada really thinks about it.
Lazy ass! he thinks.
But he never does get pregnant.
***
The leaves are crimson on the maples and golden on the ginkos. The air is crisp and filled with the smell of roasted sweet potatoes. The crickets stop chirping when the first frost settles. A scout comes to morning tennis practice. He hangs around the edges of the court and speaks with the coach. He scrunches his brow at Niou, who has bought a pram along with a one-year who walks around and tips over a basket of balls.
The scout comes to afternoon practice and speaks to Yukimura. The two of them disappear into the gymnasium. Sanada's chest hurts. A laser beam of Yagyuu's zooms by his ear.
"The scout says I should go pro," Yukimura says. They walk home along the canal. The sun hovers low in the horizon through the forest of high-rise apartments. Sanada's ears are cold, and his hands are too.
He lays awake all night and he doesn't know why.
***
"I'm grounded," Yukimura says. "I yelled at my stupid parents because they said I had to finish stupid high school first. Tezuka didn't have to."
That evening, Sanada texts him: Tezuka cant live off endorsements 4ever.
Yukimura doesn't respond. Sanada has a hot bath. His breasts float. He nearly falls asleep in the water. He smells like scented minerals when he crawls into bed and sleeps through his four am alarm.
***
Sanada is fukubuchou again.
He likes yelling out laps. He likes yelling out swing counts and stretches. He stretches with Renji most of the time. Marui gropes and Yagyuu pushes down on his back too hard.
The high school girls' tennis club hasn't won a single match in fourteen years. The boys' team plays a near perfect season. Most high school teams don't care about winning-they're too focused on getting into universities.
"It's just like the junior high team!" Kirihara says. Except it isn't, because Niou doesn't play with them ("I manage" he says) and Kirihara holds Renji's hand during laps sometimes. Sanada gives him extra laps and the kid gives him grief.
Inappropriate touching should be kept off the courts.
Sanada conveniently doesn't mention that he and Yukimura never sweep the courts the nights they stay late. Sanada ducks into the storage shed. Yukimura pushes the cart of balls. They end up on the ground, Yukimura's hand down Sanada's shirt and Sanada's hand wrapped around his dick. Sanada never means for it to happen, but it always does.
Despite a perfect season, Shitenhoji wins the Nationals trophy.
It doesn't make any sense.
Jackal agrees to date Marui. "Just…please stop with the poems," he says. They are on the train home. Yukimura sits and stews across the carriage. Kirihara has a hand on Renji's knee. Sanada wears his track pants because he was too busy training this week to shave his legs.
Yagyuu bounces his son on his lap. Niou looks bored. "What poems?" he asks.
"My love sonnets," Marui says. He clears his throat and stands up. A salaryman takes his seat. He doesn't notice.
"'Jackal, you know I like big booty: is being my girlfriend your next duty?'"
Jackal smacks his forehead.
"Or, my classic, 'Jackal I like a piece of big round ass, I've got the goods you just can't pass'."
"Please stop," Jackal says.
Marui steps down the aisle toward him. He holds onto the handgrip and leans over. "'I'm really glad you turned you turned into a chick, because I know you want some of my-'"
***
Sanada takes the university entrance exams.
He studies for two months. Yukimura and Kirihara play tennis. He and Renji and Yagyuu hit the library. Marui says he's going to become a pastry chef but Yagyuu runs into him at one of the late-night cram schools.
Sanada goes for days without seeing Yukimura. He feels guilty-vaguely-and sends Yukimura a text every three nights. Once, he shuts his bedroom door, closes his curtains and takes off his shirt and bra. Sanada shivers. The air is cold. His nipples tighten until they hurt. He takes a picture with his cellphone. The picture looks like another woman: she stares and pouts her lip. Her breasts jut out and she has tan nipples. The hat is his own. Sanada cringes when he presses send.
"Good luck," Yukimura tells him before the final exam. "I have something planned."
Sanada walks out of the exam and the heavy burden slides off his shoulders. His bag does too.
"How did you think you did?" Yagyuu asks.
"Well enough," Sanada says. He sees Yukimura waving from the school gate and he thinks I aced it.