FIC: Dénoument, YukiSana, NC17 (2/3)
Title: Dénoument (2/3)
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Pairing(s): Yukimura/Sanada + others
Wordcount: 28 000
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created by Konomi Takeshi. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: Everything you can possibly imagine. Not for the weak of heart-or of mind. Spoilers for 40.5.
Summary: Sanada is a girl.
Author's notes: This is something I have been thinking about for a long time. It's everything I want to read in a fic, and then some. Written for Valentines 2008.
This fic has been truncated into 3 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is [mostly] a one-shot fic. [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]
Comments are most welcome.
Kirihara's grandmother has a farm in the country, north and west of the city out towards Saitama. They take a local train and it takes almost two hours to get there. Kirihara talks the whole way. He babbles as much as his daughter.
Niou and Yagyuu bring their baby too. Sanada can't nap. He stares out the window and glares at the scenery: all bare rice fields and patches of bamboo forest and evergreens. Yukimura draws on his sketchpad beside Sanada.
It is the day after Christmas. They will be gone for a week.
Sanada has never been to Kirihara's grandmother's farm, but the old house is large and drafty and homely. The bedrooms are down a long corridor, eel-like and old-fashioned. There is a separate bath house that they sweep cobwebs from the ceiling corners. The air is fresh up here at the foothills of the mountains. The sky is brighter in the day and pitch-black at night.
The forests around the farm are silent, except when the wind rustles the dead leaves on the ground. Sanada thinks about a Miyazaki film and smiles. Renji does an impression. Everyone laughs at him, except his daughter. Kirihara's grandmother indulges her with azuki buns and cookies. She doesn't seem to care that Kirihara is only seventeen and still a child himself. He offers to bring in wood from the shed for her. She bakes him cookies too, but shares them with everyone else.
They eat spicy beef hot pot for supper and Renji and Jackal help with dishes. Niou wanders off to the bathroom. Yukimura wanders off, too, saying something about a bath. He glances over his shoulder at Sanada.
The bath house smells like cedar and the steam makes the air thick and palpable. Sanada takes his clothes off and Yukimura scrubs himself down. He passes the soap to Sanada by sliding it over Sanada's stomach.
"I know obaachan said we have to sleep in separate rooms but…" Yukimura rubs his dick on Sanada's hip. He licks Sanada's jaw and then kisses Sanada hard on the mouth. "She didn't say we couldn't bathe together."
It's been so long. A month, probably and before that, it was sporadic all autumn. The water splashes over the sides of the tub. Sanada bounces on Yukimura's dick. Yukimura sucks his nipples and nuzzles his breasts. Sanada sighs. He doesn't come the first time, but he enjoys Yukimura's dick inside him, filling him up and stretching just enough to feel good.
They lie there and soak. Yukimura sticks his head under the water and surfaces with a big grin. He plays with Sanada's breasts idly, stroking the sides. Sanada's leg bumps against the back of the tub when he lifts it over Yukimura's bum. Yukimura's dick slides in again when he thrusts. Jackal's voice is outside, and Niou's too.
"Er…don't come in!" Yukimura shouts. "Give us a minute?"
"Us?" Niou asks.
***
Sanada and Yukimura walk back to the house, heads hung in shame.
It's a good thing Kirihara's grandmother is asleep. The knowing smiles are bad enough.
Sanada aches between his legs. Yukimura never finished. His clit is sensitized and throbbing. He listens for the even breathing of Jackal and Renji and Niou as he lies there, then he slides a hand under his yukata.
Then the door slides open and light streams across the floor. Sanada whips his hand out and lays it on his thigh, chaste and innocent under the futon cover. The shadow of a child stands there, eclipsed against the hallway light.
"Mommy?"
Niou grunts. He lifts a corner of his cover and his son toddles over. He rustles and wiggles and sniffs and snorts. Sanada gives up any hopes for masturbating.
***
He's the first awake. It's dark out. The stars twinkle outside the shuttered window. His nose is cold. The air is cold in the house without heating. Sanada burrows under his cover.
There are footsteps outside in the hallway. Sanada puts on a pair of socks and slippers and slides the door open. He's careful to avoid stepping over Hiromi's arm that dangles out from Niou's under futon cover.
Yukimura leans against the hallway wall. His hair is limp and hangs over his eyes. Sanada pats away one of his own fly-aways. Yukimura smiles.
They don't say anything. They creep to the back of the house and walk outside. Sanada feels sneaky. He shivers under his yukata. It's too cold: he should have brought a pair of pajamas. Yukimura holds him and rubs his arms, asking if Sanada is all right.
Sanada takes Yukimura's hand off his breast and slides it under the fold of the yukata.
***
On New Year's Eve, they climb a mountain. It's an hour's walk from Kirihara's grandmother's farm. Their sneakers crunch on the frozen roads. Snow hides in the crevices of thick underbrush. Natsuko bounces along on her tippy-toes. Niou pushes a pram until it gets stuck in a ditch, then Yagyuu pushes it. Marui slides an arm around Jackal's waist and pats his bum. Jackal winces.
Sanada and Yukimura walk behind everyone else. Sanada breathes into his scarf. Yukimura swings his arms. He has blue mittens that are soft when he takes Sanada's hand. The stars are bright and crisp against the velvet sky. Sanada yawns. He didn't slept all evening when the others napped.
Their stomachs are full of Korean tofu stew and tea and homemade melon pan. Yukimura's breath smells like mandarins when he speaks. "There's Orion," he says. "And there's the Big Dipper."
The mountain isn't very high or steep and there are a few other yawning faces hiking up the wide, packed-earth steps. Marui holds a torch. It bobs as they ascend the stairs. Kirihara straps his daughter to Renji's back. Niou dumps his kid on Yagyuu. "My back hurts," he says.
The climb is easy and slow and they wait on the top of the mountain before dawn as the sky lightens in the east to a shade of grey. Sanada pinches his arm to stay awake. Yukimura rests his head on Sanada's arm and rubs his wool coat. "We're almost done school," he says. "This could be our last New Year's all together."
Sanada feels a twinge of sadness. He swallows. He blinks. Then he leans back on Yukimura. His eyes are heavy.
The bells peel when the first finger of light touches the horizon, a crack of amber ripping the eastern landscape and filtering through the forests in the valleys below. "Happy New Years!" Yukimura says. He kisses Sanada on the mouth. He runs his tongue along Sanada's lips until Sanada opens to them and slides his tongue back over Yukimura's. He should be embarrassed, but no one knows him here except his friends.
It's not a secret to them.
"Happy New Years," he mumbles. He hunches under his cap, but his grip on Yukimura's hand is tight.
Niou tells Yagyuu that he's pregnant again.
***
"Keep your dick in your pants!" Sanada snaps. He grabs Yagyuu's arm and digs his fingers in hard.
Yagyuu's expression doesn't change. Sanada lets go. Yagyuu brushes his shoulder off. "It is none of your business," he says.
"You're not even eighteen yet!" Sanada says. "Use a fucking condom!"
Yagyuu pushes his glasses up. "Like I said, it doesn't concern you, Sanada-kun." His lip turns up at the side. He adds, "I like kids."
***
Nekochan dies.
He finds her body under the shelves in the kitchen. Her fur is matted, but Sanada pets her the way he used to when she was sleek and smooth. He lights a stick of incense on the family altar and walks upstairs. He sits in his room and cries. Yukimura phones. Sanada doesn't answer.
There is a cold depression at the end of his futon, right between his feet.
***
On Valentine's, Sanada brings Yukimura a box of giri choco. Yukimura says, "I'm going pro the first day of April. I'll miss the start of the season, but maybe I'll be seeded by the summer."
The chocolates slip from Sanada's hands. He can’t feel his fingers, they've all gone numb.
The university results are announced on the PA the same afternoon.
"Sanada…pass."
***
"Why are you being so cold?" Yukimura snaps.
Sanada purses his lips. He stomps off home. The dojo floor still smells like the bug bomb from the latest tatami infestation. Sanada breathes in the fumes as he slices through a straw dummy.
Grandfather says his handle on the sword is getting sloppy. "Your form is terrible, Genichirou!" he snaps. "Lazy ass!"
Sanada stomps off to his room.
His period comes and spots his underwear.
***
Sanada ticks 女性 on the university registration forms.
***
He and Renji go shopping. Renji buys another t-shirt from a department store for himself, and a book from the fourth floor of the HMV. Sanada buys nothing. They go home. Sanada has cramps again this month.
Yukimura calls from the university gym when Sanada is on the train. His voice is so loud that Renji can hear too. "I'm sorry, okay?" he says. "Is that what you want to hear?"
Sanada doesn't know what he wants to hear. Yukimura's apology isn't it, though.
University starts in a week.
Mom buys him a Lacoste purse. It sits on his place at the table when he gets home. It is black and plain. "I thought you might like it," she tells him. "There's room for your pet rock, too."
***
There is room.
This makes Sanada feel a little better. His carries his rock around to his lectures. The other girls don't notice a thing. Marui asks what the hell he's lugging around. They have economics lectures together.
***
He misses having sex with Yukimura.
But something hollow still sits in the bottom of his belly.
Sanada works on his assignments. Yukimura stops calling-he's too busy training anyway.
"I always figured you guys would be together forever," Kirihara says. He tagged along with Renji to the streetcourt. Sanada frowns and says nothing. His chest aches. His sports bra feels too tight around his ribcage.
***
Ken-chan shuts up on Sanada's birthday. Mom slaps his arm when he starts to ask Sanada something. "It's Genichirou's birthday!" she hisses.
They eat supper at home. Mom makes his favourite: nameko miso and BBQ beef. Dad was supposed to bring a cake from the shop by his office. He forgets. Sanada frowns and says it's fine. He blinks three times. Grandfather tells him to sign up for the university kendo club. He slaps Sanada on the shoulder, just like he is a boy again.
He's not.
He goes to bed at eight o'clock. He isn't tired, but his body lays limp on top of his futon. Sanada thinks about the essay in world history he has due in three weeks. Tomorrow, he'll go to the library.
Someone rings the buzzer downstairs. Sanada can hear Mom answer the door. He rolls onto his side. Someone is outside his door. "Genichirou?" she asks. She knocks. Sanada grunts and says its fine without cake tonight. He sniffs. Lying on his side like this squishes his breasts.
The door opens and closes. Someone else breathes heavily. Sanada sits up and sees Yukimura standing there with a bouquet of flowers. Sanada swallows. His throat catches.
"Can I take you out tonight?" Yukimura asks.
Sanada stares at his wall. There is a bubble under the paint that forms a shadow.
Yukimura sighs. "Why are you being like this?" he snaps. "You never used to be like this!"
"I never used to be a GIRL!" Sanada shouts. Then he starts to cry. Yukimura cringes and sets the flowers down. Sanada cries harder and wipes at his nose with his sleeve.
"Please come out with me tonight," Yukimura says. He sits down on the futon and rubs Sanada's shoulder. He pulls Sanada's head to his chest and touches the top of his hair.
Finally, Sanada mumbles, "I don't have anything to wear."
"That's okay," Yukimura says. "You're always pretty to me."
Sanada wears jeans and a sweater. He pulls his cap down over his eyes and gives the bouquet to Mom to put in a vase. She smiles at Yukimura. She winks at Sanada.
It is drizzling outside. The air is misty and cool. Yukimura holds out his umbrella. It is clear and Sanada can see the city lights through it. "I didn't mean what I said back there," he says. He takes Sanada's hand and weaves their fingers together. Sanada scuffs his shoes on the pavement trying to keep pace with Yukimura. He doesn't say anything. Yukimura doesn't say where they are going.
They go downtown to one of the piers. The water is black and reflects the skyscrapers and hundreds of rainbow signs, neon characters and romanji flashing, advertising everything they don't need or want. Sanada shivers and Yukimura wraps his arm around Sanada.
They lean against a fence overlooking the water and Yukimura kisses him on the cheek. Nearby is a Starbucks where Yukimura buys Sanada a slice of lemon cake. He watches Sanada eat it. "Happy Birthday, Genichirou," he says.
It's late. They walk down a shopping arcade, all but empty now with the shop fronts closed and the stalls brought inside to be locked up. Sanada says he needs to go home.
"No," Yukimura says.
Sanada blinks. The rain patters on the arcade roof. "But-"
Yukimura raises his eyebrows. His hair is shorter than Sanada remembers. He must have had it cut recently. "You're nineteen now," he says. "I said I'm taking you out tonight. I meant all night, dummy."
***
The love hotel is nicer than any they've been to before. Yukimura pays with his credit card. That is new too.
Sanada protested all the way here. He said he needed to go home. He said his parents would ask. He said he has morning lectures and the trains will stop running soon. He said they shouldn’t be doing this but Yukimura kept holding his hand and shaking his head.
There are no Christmas songs or blinking lights. There are no musty sheets or cheesy pay-per-view-porn options. There are no complimentary vibrators either, or chocolates on the pillows.
Sanada lies back on the bed and Yukimura kisses him. He pulls off Sanada's clothes, piecemeal with kisses pressed all over his skin. Sanada sighs. His cheeks feel wet. Yukimura licks his face and tells Sanada he loves him, he missed him, Sanada don't push me away again.
They make love two, three, maybe four times until Sanada is so over-sensitized his cunt hurts and Yukimura can't come anymore. They lie there under a single sheet and Yukimura strokes his arm. Sanada touches Yukimura's shoulder. The muscle feels bigger. Yukimura's been working out.
"I want you to move in with me when I get my own place," he says.
Sanada starts to cry again. He doesn't know why, but the words feel right.
***
They go shopping in Harajuku. Sanada skips his economics lecture. He feels mildly guilty, but he texts Marui to ask for the class notes anyway. Yukimura says he's missing morning practice. They eat crepes at a café. Sanada flushes when Yukimura gets chocolate on his chin and licks it off with hooded eyes.
The morning is humid. Spring insects are humming and the hydrangeas bloom in planters. Yukimura buys Sanada a skirt at the Gap and two t-shirts from Uniqlo. They fit better than anything he's worn before. The cotton is soft and his nipples press through the fabric when he tries them on in the fitting room.
Yukimura smiles. "Now you can't say you don't have anything pretty to wear."
***
Niou waddles. Sanada sees him and Yagyuu walking a department store around the university campus. Niou pats his stomach and snickers. Yagyuu murmurs something in Niou's ear. Their toddler makes grabby-fists in the general direction of the chemistry sets.
A week later, Yagyuu bumps into Sanada in the humanities library. "Ah, Sanada-kun," he says. "Did you hear that Niou-kun and I are getting an apartment together?"
Sanada frowns.
Jackal and Marui break up.
"He's too high maintenance," Jackal says. "It's all about him!"
Marui phones Sanada too. He rants and shouts and Sanada can hear the snapping sounds of bubblegum popping in the background. "He wants so much effort, jeez. Like, I always have to hold doors open for him and hold his purse and he never cuts me any slack, you know?"
"Don't be a lazy ass," Sanada says. He hangs up.
***
Marui stops shaving. He looks homeless wandering around campus in an old pair of Converse sneakers.
"They're vintage," he says.
"What's with the face pubes?" Niou asks.
Marui huffs and sticks his chest out. He runs his fingers over his hair top lip. "It's a singles moustache!" he snaps. "Chicks like these things!"
"I don't," Niou says.
"You're not a girl," Sanada mutters.
Niou raises an eyebrow and glances down at Sanada's chest. He snorts. Sanada's face feels hot. A crow caws from the top of the cafeteria building.
***
Yukimura flies to Europe in July. "Please support me," he says to Sanada at the airport. At the gate, they kiss. Sanada feels awkward in public. An old woman stares at them. A little kid points and laughs and tells his mother that lady has big boobies.
"I like your big boobies," is the last thing Yukimura says.
They send emails every second day. Sanada cuts out clippings from the newspaper about the new, unseeded Japanese player on the circuit. He thinks about what it would be like to have gone pro himself sometimes-usually when he's working on long economics problems in the library. Maybe he could have. Maybe he should have, but he didn't.
Sanada watches clips on the tv at home, footage from yesterday afternoon. He watches Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova battle it out, all grunts and flapping skirts. He remembers the catfight in junior high school and shudders.
He enjoys his university classes. He plays tennis with Renji and Yagyuu at the university gym or local streetcourts. Sometimes, he goes back to the high school with Renji to watch Kirihara. He emails Yukimura a message before he goes to bed and signs it luv Genichirou
***
"So we're going to Chiba on Saturday," Marui says. "Wanna come?"
"We?"
Marui shrugs. "Yeah, we're back together."
His singles moustache is shaved off.
***
Renji helps the high school team with their Nationals training. Niou has a new baby. Sanada has three weeks off courses. He agrees to come.
"You wore that?" Jackal asks. He pulls at the hem of Sanada's t-shirt.
Marui scoffs at Sanada's khakis. "Are you visually impaired? One too many head-banging sex sessions with- OW!"
There are many shops that sell Billabong bathing suits and board shorts along the Chiba beaches. Sanada finds this out the hard way. He slinks along the sand in a blue one-piece. The back is too low. His breasts feel exposed. His flip-flops get sand between his toes.
Jackal pulls off his shorts. Sanada doesn't know how he got away wandering into shops in a yellow bikini top, tied with strings at his neck. Jackal isn't chesty, but his breasts bounce as he flops down on the sand. Marui licks his lips. Jackal tosses his shorts away.
His butt sticks out.
He's wearing a thong bottom. He doesn't have any tan lines, either. Jackal and Marui play beach volleyball and splash around in the water. Sanada sits under the umbrella and sweats. He wants to bury his head in the sand and pretend he didn't see Jackal pick the string out of his butt for the fifth time.
***
"There's a club nearby," Marui says. He adjusts his sunglasses and his arm around Jackal's waist. "It has four floors: house, techno, pop and trance."
"We're underage," Sanada says.
"Live a little," Jackal says. They go for tempura and snack on peanuts at the bar. Sanada's arm feels sunburned. Jackal slaps Marui's hand off his ass again.
Marui hands Sanada a card. Sanada turns it over and scowls. The server brings their tempura shrimp. "What is this?" he hisses.
"ID," Marui says.
"Now you're Hamasaki Ayuki," Jackal says. He snickers.
Sanada groans. He doesn't understand the joke Marui makes. He reaches over and picks up Jackal's ID card, and then his face twitches. "Coco Caboose?" he asks.
Jackal's face is as red as the boiled crabs in the bar across the street.
***
The music deafens him.
The stink of smoke burns his nostrils.
The air tastes of chalk from the dry ice puffing up everywhere.
But the sight of Jackal, grinding and thrusting against Marui's thighs as they gyrate to the music is what does it. Jackal's thighs shake. Marui humps Jackal's hip. They are practically having sex on the dancefloor with their heads thrown back and hands all over Jackal's sweating body. Sanada leaves. He sits at the train station until the first train arrives at five am.
There is an email from Yukimura.
Miss you. Coming home in 10 days.
***
"I'm moving in with Yukimura," Sanada mumbles. He stares at his miso soup and wishes that he was allowed to wear his cap at the dinner table.
Mom smiles. Ken-chan snickers. Sanada tries to kick him under the table.
"Are you married yet?" Grandfather asks. He scowls.
Sanada flushes. He's prepared for that question. He's prepared to explain that no, they aren't, but it's not that unusual now and he promises to-
"Tarundoru!" Grandfather shouts. "You're too young to be shacking up with someone!"
"Oh, Ojiisan," Mom says. "Don't be such a stick in the mud." She laughs. Grandfather continues to scowl at Sanada. Sanada continues to feel awkward.
At least he's not pregnant.
***
Grandfather may be correct, Sanada knows this deep down. However, the world doesn't end. The heavens don't crash down. The sea doesn't swallow Japan and there is no apocalyptic earthquake.
They move in together in November.
The apartment is cold and drafty and leaks in the bathroom. The windows are tiny and Yukimura nearly lights the tatami mats on fire with the space heater. Sanada hides the singe marks under a rug.
Mom offers to take him to the Ikea in Kohuko. She buys Sanada two light fixtures and a frying pan. He buys a futon at a department store and curtains from Tokyu Hands downtown.
They are too young to be living together, but Sanada forgets about it when Yukimura fucks him on the kitchen counter. The rice cooker shuts off and sticks to the bottom of the bowl. Yukimura fingers him until Sanada's legs clench and he comes.
Yukimura snores.
He doesn't use the air freshener spray after he uses the toilet.
He leaves dirty tennis towels on the window ledge and complains when they fall down two floors to the pavement.
They don't have money for a kotatsu or a proper bookshelf for Sanada's textbooks.
But its home.
And Yukimura is warm when he sleeps. Sanada snuggles under his armpit and breathes in Yukimura's smell. He smiles and rubs his knee absently on Yukimura's calf.
***
"I'm pregnant again," Renji says.
"Me too," Niou says.
Sanada shuffles home. The croquettes he bought for supper don't sound as tasty anymore.
***
Yukimura is home off and on beginning in January. A couple weeks here, a month there. He flies to Australia and brings Sanada back a stuffed toad. The google-eyes stare at him.
Sanada frowns.
Yukimura frowns too. "It reminded me of you."
Yukimura is seeded, but low. Some days, he comes home and collapses on the futon with a milk tea in hand. He's still not old enough to drink yet. He works so hard on his training that he's too tired for sex. He doesn’t say anything, and Sanada tries to understand.
Sanada takes longer showers and slips his hand between his legs, rubbing his clit until he slumps into the tile wall and groans. The shower door slides open and Yukimura stares at him. His eyes drift down to Sanada's hand, then back up to his flushing face.
Yukimura pushes him harder into the wall until the tiles leave marks on Sanada's back. He forces his tongue in Sanada's mouth, deep and eager and he moans when Sanada's hand rises to clutch the back of his neck.
Yukimura is never too tired for sex again.
"What gave you that idea?" he asks.
Sanada can't answer. His heart beats so fast and he pants so much that he nearly passes out under the cold spray of water.
***
"Guess who had sex last night?" Marui asks.
Sanada groans. Snow dusts the ground. It's February. He steps in a puddle of slush and his sock gets wet. "I don't care," he says. He flips his cellphone shut.
"I am a fucking genius stud," Marui says. They are in economics class. Marui scribbles circles with nipples in his notes instead of the equations on the overhead projector.
"Jackal gave me some sweet sweet honey and I-"
"I don't want to hear it," Sanada says. The professor looks up in the lecture hall and narrows his eyes at Sanada. Sanada looks down at his workbook and curses Marui.
***
Kirihara goes pro, too.
The international newspapers call it a 'Japanese Renaissance' in the world of professional tennis. Sanada clips that article out too.
Renji is too large to play tennis anymore. This time it's obvious he's pregnant. This time Sanada understands the round swell of his middle and the budding breasts on his chest. Normally, Renji has the physique of a stick.
Sanada plays with Jackal, but it's not the same. He would play with Yagyuu more-Yagyuu is better, and even after the years, his laser beam cuts as sharp as ever-but Yagyuu is too busy studying most days or at home with Niou and his family.
Jackal grunts and seethes through his teeth like Serena Williams. Sanada shudders and loses a point. But he wins the match and the game. His muscles sting a little. He's not as in shape as he was in high school and he doesn't go to the dojo very often. It's across the city. He tends to forget about kendo when he's on his back with Yukimura's cock in his cunt at night.
In the locker room, Jackal frowns. He rubs the back of his neck with his towel and pulls off his shirt. Sanada can see the outline of Jackal's nipples through his sports bra. He shifts his weight and turns away.
"I think I'm pregnant," Jackal says. "I guess that makes me a slut now, right?"
***
"Fuck," Sanada says under his breathe. He balls his fist and shakes it. "Fuck."
"Excuse me," someone says. Sanada whips his head around. A scrawny salaryman looks at him and adjusts his glasses. "Are you nearly finished with the ticket machine, miss?"
Sanada stomps off.
He has to pay a fare adjustment when he changes train. He pressed the wrong ticket price. "Fuck," he says.
***
Yukimura is out with an injury this season. He twists his ankle at practice and says nothing. "I was working through the strain," he tells the doctor. His ligament is torn. He gets crutches and a lecture.
He sits at home when he's not at the sports centre doing rehab. He cleans and organizes the apartment. He throws out all of Sanada's tampons lying around. Sanada discovers this one month when he needs one.
Yukimura airs the futon out all wrong and gets pigeon poop on it. Yukimura clogs the sink with rice. Yukimura nearly poisons them with ant killer and the fumes from the insecticide make him giggle.
Sanada hides at the university campus. He eats in the cafeteria. He gains weight and one night, Yukimura says that Sanada has knockers. Sanada scowls and shoves Yukimura off his side of the futon. Yukimura pouts. He apologizes with oral sex. But he's still irritating when Sanada wakes up to the smell of bleach permeating from the bathroom.
That summer, Kirihara is seeded.
Renji and Niou have more babies.
Sanada gets a yeast infection. Whispering to the receptionist in the university clinic that he's itchy down there and has strange gunk coming out is beyond mortifying.
Lying with his legs spread apart and a cold implement on his skin is worse.
***
"At least you didn't have to pee in a cup," Jackal says.
Sanada stares at him.
"I get to do that every time I see the gynecologist."
***
Yukimura finishes rehab. He's seeded sixty-first in the circuit.
Kirihara is fifty-ninth.
Sanada cuts out news articles and pastes them to his scrapbook. He slots Yukimura's professional photosets into his album. Behind those, he tucks the private photos. He has images of Yukimura sitting on the bench after they played a streetcourt game one evening. The light is purple behind the train cables. Yukimura looks away from the camera and his sweaty face shines.
Sanada has another image of the two of them. Renji offered to take it. "Do you even have any photos together?" he asked. Sanada didn't need to answer. He scowled at the camera. Yukimura pinched his butt. The photograph shows his wide eyes and parted mouth.
The photograph also shows Yukimura's gleaming eyes, looking at Sanada instead of the camera.
***
The apartment leaks all summer. The typhoons are worse than normal. Yukimura leaves a pair of sneakers on the balcony one evening. Come morning, they are soaked. He stomps around and yells at Sanada. Sanada slaps him. "I wasn't the one who left them out there!" he shouts.
Yukimura accuses him of being a bitch. Sanada slaps Yukimura's other cheek.
Then they have sex on the tatami floor. Sanada hits Yukimura's shoulders and says no. Yukimura pulls at his hair and bites the top of his breast. Sanada knees Yukimura in the groin and Yukimura growls at him. Sanada ends up on his hands and knees thrusting back and arching his back. Yukimura's thighs slap against his ass.
It's the best sex of Sanada's life.
***
"Thank you for watching them," Renji says. "We’ll be back in two days." He hands Sanada a bag. It is heavy and smells like milk and baby powder. "Genki's stuff is in here."
Yukimura juggles the baby in his arms. Genki starts to scream. Kirihara forces a laugh and apologizes.
Renji gives Sanada another bag. Sanada's arm drops from the weight. "These are Natsuko's books," he says.
"Books?" Sanada asks. He looks down. Natsuko's hand is warm and sweaty in his. She blinks at him. Her hair ribbon is slipping out of her curls. She's four years old.
How the hell does a four year old need a library? he thinks. Renji smiles and waves goodbye. Sanada has the list of phone numbers taped to the refrigerator door.
He and Yukimura take Kirihara's kids to a park near their apartment. The equipment is covered in chipped paint and there is a large maple tree with a bench underneath. Natsuko takes a book from the bag and reads all afternoon. She looks like Kirihara. She sticks her tongue out and chews it when she concentrates, but she is quiet like Renji.
Genki screams the entire weekend.
"You don't…want kids, do you?" Yukimura asks. He grimaces. He stuffs another pacifier in Genki's mouth. The baby spits it out, pauses for a moment, and waves his fists as he screams harder.
Sanada has a migraine.
***
It's his last year of university. He has a group project in his Meiji History seminar. They meet in one of the library conference rooms. There are three girls and two boys.
"Tuesdays are no good for me," one of the girls says. "My boyfriend's off on Tuesdays and I'm busy all day."
Sanada grunts. Lazy ass, he thinks. He folds his arms over his breasts and scowls. It is spring and the weather is warm. Yukimura is in Italy at an exhibition game. He will be back in one week, on Wednesday.
The group looks at him. "What day is good for you?" the one guy asks. "We're all good for Wednesday."
Sanada's lips twitch. He looks at the girl and narrows his eyes. "Wednesday's not good for me," he says. "My boyfriend gets home that day."
It is the first time he has ever used the word.
He flushes a bit, but it feels good. Sanada emails Yukimura on the train home. I miss u. Im thinking of u right now.
***
Yukimura plays in the first round of Wimbledon. He doesn't make it any further.
Kirihara makes it to round two. He plays a Ukrainian who trains in America. Sanada and Renji watch the matches together in Renji's apartment. Renji pats his stomach and makes them tea. Genki and Natsuko are asleep. It is nearly midnight.
"I have a craving for shrimp chips," Renji says. He passes Sanada the bag, offering them. Sanada shakes his head. He sighs. The images on the tv are grainy and green. His vision is blurred and unfocused at the edges. Renji crunches on chips.
Sanada walks home at two in the morning after Kirihara's game (loss, 2-6, 6-3, 5-7). His phone buzzes. His steps are lethargic and slow. He's tired. It is afternoon in London.
im thinking about u naked now. cant wait to c u soon
Sanada smiles. There is no one else around.
***
In September, they receive an invitation in the mail. It comes in a cream coloured envelope. Sanada opens it. Yukimura's practice is running late tonight. Sanada eats the rice and curry by himself before it cools anymore.
He reads the names on the card and frowns.
***
"You have to wear a dress," Jackal says. He balances the baby on his hip. His butt seems bigger than Sanada remembers. It sways of its own accord as Jackal moves. They walk along one of the winding streams through Yoyogi Park. The trees are bare and skeletal against the overcast sky, but the grass is still green. In the distance, the curving forms of the stadiums loom.
"Why?" Sanada asks.
"Well…" Jackal swings the baby to his other hip. She babbles nonsense and gives Sanada a gummy smile. He frowns. "Well, because you have to wear a dress to weddings. You're a girl."
Sanada scowls. He pulls at his cap. "I'm not a girl," he grumbles.
"We haven't exactly grown our dicks back yet," Jackal says. "It's been six years, Sanada."
Sanada stubs his toes on a tree root. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?" he asks. He clenches his jaw. His foot throbs.
"Nope."
"Go home to Marui."
"We're on a break."
Sanada stops limping. Jackal shakes his head and groans. "It's just too much sometimes," he says. Sanada didn't ask. Jackal tells him anyway. The baby grabs one of the straps of her carrier and slimes the end of it. She has Marui's round face and chin. "I told him if I heard one more reference to 'my mocha lovechild' or 'my milk chocolate baby' I was gone. And do you know what he said after that?"
Sanada doesn't care. He steps on a fallen leaf. It crumbles under his sneaker.
"He said, 'if you take my latte lovechild and lady lumps away, I'll never forgive you, Jackal!' So now I'm staying with my parents. And we gotta go buy you a dress."
***
Sanada graduates with an honours degree. He takes a job at one of the city archives in downtown Yokohama. He takes inventory and organizes the files.
The first day of the job, an OL showed him the coffee machine. "This is how the manager likes his coffee," she said. She minced her steps and spoke with a high-pitched voice.
The manager took one look at Sanada's glower and his size. Sanada never had to serve coffee to senpais again.
The senpais ignore him. The storage rooms are cool and the fluorescent lights dim. He eats lunch in the cafeteria and has the same thing everyday, lunch special #2 that has miso soup, salad, rice and the fish-of-the-day. He takes a bathroom break at 3 pm when the other archivists go out for a smoke. The work isn't very demanding and Sanada doesn't need to wear pantyhose.
Sanada leaves the office at 5:30 and meets Yukimura at Yokohama station by the entrance to the Soutetsu Line. They take the train home together most days. On his birthday, Yukimura is in Paris. He calls at seven in the morning, before Sanada leaves to catch his train.
"I played Tezuka in the first round," he says. His voice is breathless. Sanada sucks in a breath, too. "I kicked his ass."
Sanada smiles into the phone. He cradles his cell against his ear.
"I'm playing Lleyton Hewitt tomorrow," Yukimura says. "I'm ranked higher than him, but I've never played him before."
"You'll win," Sanada says.
Yukimura laughs. The sound makes Sanada's heart flutter. "Happy Birthday," he says. "I'll make sure you have an extra special present when I get home."
Yukimura beats Lleyton Hewitt. But he loses to Kirihara after.
He comes home quiet in his defeat. Sanada doesn't ask about the game-he read the play-by-play in the newspaper. He cooks Yukimura's favourite, rice and baked fish with spring onions and wakame.
Yukimura sits in bed and stares out the window. Faintly, Sanada can hear the rattling trains in the distance. The city lights are dim through the frosted panes of the window. "Am I not good enough?" Yukimura whispers. His voice catches.
Sanada swallows. He touches Yukimura's shoulder and hugs him from behind. They kiss, long and slow. Yukimura unties Sanada's yukata and presses his face to Sanada's chest, his cheek to Sanada's breast. They lie there. Sanada feels Yukimura's erection on his leg, but they don't have sex.
***
Niou and Yagyuu get married in the summer. Niou's family shows up. Yagyuu's mother doesn’t.
"She doesn't like Niou-kun," Yagyuu says. He adjusts his tie. His face looks green. It matches his corsage.
Niou wears a white dress. His hair grew out years ago and Sanada still finds the black odd on him. Niou has filled out over time, no longer the thin teenage boy. His cheeks are flushed and his mole disappears into a dimple when he smiles at Yagyuu.
Sanada lost track of how many children they have. A row of small Yagyuus sits in the first pew, most have glasses, but the youngest one is bald and stuffed into a blue onesie. Yagyuu's sister tickles her toes. She looks like Yagyuu too.
The entire ceremony is strange. The dress digs into Sanada's sides. Yukimura and Kirihara look bored, standing up beside Yagyuu, as Yagyuu jams his tongue down Niou's throat. Sanada squirms. Niou's entire family clears their throats and Yagyuu and Niou turn around, grinning and flushed and married.
But the party is good, and the food even better. Yukimura drinks too much wine. He's red in the face and asks Marui if Jackal was a good lay, in too loud a voice. Marui is drunk, too, and has a new goatee. He looks ridiculous. Sanada mutters "Tarundoru" but Marui doesn't hear.
The women crowd around Niou, all eager to catch his bouquet of hydrangeas and white roses. Sanada stands near the back. He scowls at them. Fools, he thinks.
"So…some of us are finally married," Renji says.
Sanada grunts.
"We all assumed it would be you and Yukimura first."
Sanada stiffens. His back aches.
Niou tosses his bouquet up high, like a tennis lob. As it arcs over the crowd, he lifts the hem of his dress and pulls a water gun from a holster strapped to his calf. He hoses the group of shrieking women down with a cackle.
Renji catches the bouquet.
***
Renji and Kirihara are married the following spring. They have a honeymoon in Kyoto. Yukimura offers to baby-sit their children. He ends up having an invitational in Canada that week.
Sanada has two Kirihara brats running around the tiny apartment. Natsuko stays with Kirihara's sister. She goes to school: Kanagawa Third Elementary, just like her dad. Genki and Kento shred Sanada's calligraphy paper and cry when he yells. They pout when Sanada serves them rice and katsudon.
"Where's the sauce?" Genki asks. "We always have sauce at home!" Kento bangs his fists on the table. He throws his pork cutlet onto the floor and Genki cackles. Sanada wants to strangle both of them within an hour.
***
"We need a bigger apartment," Sanada says.
Yukimura looks at him. He pushes a lock of hair from his eyes. "Oh. I wanted to get a car first."
***
Sanada refuses to sleep with Yukimura until they move. The summer damp has settled into the apartment. The ants and insects are back. Yukimura rolls on top of Sanada and licks his ear. "Come on, didn't you like that new Toyota model?" he whispers.
Sanada shoves him off.
They sign a new lease within a week.
***
They buy a car when Sanada is twenty-four.
It is a white Toyota. Yukimura drives Sanada to work the day after.
"Wasn't that the famous tennis player guy?" one of the OLs asks him.
Sanada grunts.
"Waaaait," another says. She steps in front of Sanada. She smells of too much perfume and has a Louis Vuitton handbag. Sanada cringes. He doesn't want to know anything about labels or fashion but the OLs talk loudly in the toilets. "Are you his girlfriend? There was an article in the latest AnAn and he was interviewed and said his girlfriend would-"
Sanada glares at them.
They don't back off until he agrees to get Yukimura's autograph for them both.
***
"Getting to be a bit of a Christmas cake, aren't you?"
Sanada turns around. Ken-chan stands in the dojo doorway, his smiles are as easy as ever. He waggles his eyebrows.
"That's all mom talks about, you know. You and your Yukimuffin and when you're going to get married and give her grandkids."
Sanada sheathes the sword. His concentration is shot. He comes to the dojo two or three times a month, preferably on days when his brother is not around. He snorts. "Go get your girlfriend pregnant, or something!" he spits.
Sanada feels fifteen again when Ken-chan laughs at him and calls him a pussy.
***
Ken-chan's girlfriend is due in five months.
They have a wedding in October. Her name is Emi and she went to school with Sanada.
His jaw drops when they meet.
"Did we play tennis together in junior high?" she asks. "I was the captain of the girls' team." She grabs Sanada's hand and shakes his arm. "And now we get to be sisters! Isn't that exciting?"
***
The pictures of the wedding party include Sanada, standing and scowling in the back row. He's crammed into a red cocktail dress. It matches the colour of the maple leaves and his face.
***
Ken-chan's wife has twins.
Sanada refuses to visit them. I don't care, he thinks. But at night he lies beside Yukimura and listens to the soft snores from his side of the bed. Sanada stretches a hand across his stomach. He doesn't fall asleep.
He throws out all the condoms in the apartment. Yukimura doesn't notice.
Nothing happens.
***
Yukimura pushes his cock deeper. He grunts. Sweat dribbles down his forehead. Yukimura has Sanada's arms pinned above his head by the wrist. Sanada struggles and the feelings are stronger, sweeter, better as Yukimura fucks him. Sanada leans back on the pillow, lifting his hips to meet Yukimura's thrusting. He moans. Yukimura hits that sweet spot and he groans again. "Seiichi…" His wrists burn. He's numb between the legs and filled to the hilt.
"I played Andy Roddick," Yukimura says. He thrusts again. His thighs shudder. Sanada bites into Yukimura's shoulder. His skin is buttery and slick under Sanada's tongue.
"He was a good player. His serve was amazing fast," Yukimura says. Sanada grunts. He closes his eyes to tune Yukimura out. All he wants is for that tense buildup in his belly to burst. His cunt is on fire. He gasps and squeezes Yukimura's cock. Yukimura squeaks.
"But he was nice, too," Yukimura slams his dick into Sanada. He's close. Sanada can feel it in the shake of his body. "We went out for drinks in Sydn-oh! Oh god…" Yukimura throws his head back and shudders. His mouth hangs open in a silent scream as he pours himself. Sanada trembles and bucks, too. He tightens his legs around Yukimura. His skin is on fire. Yukimura shifts and brushes his clit and he's gone.
Sanada pants as he lays there. Yukimura tells him about drinking in a Sydney bar with Andy Roddick. "He had a Lacoste endorsement, you know, but I have that Pocari Sweat one coming up."
***
"I'm having another baby," Renji says.
"This is ridiculous," Sanada mutters.
"It's going to be my last," Renji says. "Probably."
***
Yukimura plays in the US Open. So does Kirihara. Yukimura doesn't ask Sanada to come with him. Sanada doesn't say anything.
"I'm going with Akaya to New York," Renji tells him. Sanada frowns at his cellphone. He answers Renji's questions in monosyllables until Renji hangs up. Sanada wonders if it's even safe for Renji to be travelling.
At least he wasn't asked to baby-sit Kirihara's kids again. Sanada thinks about scrubbing pork cutlet off the floor. He cringes.
Sanada goes on a business trip to Osaka. He could drive the Toyota, but the office pays for train tickets and it would be a waste not to use them. He meets with a museum curator and goes over the exhibition contents. Three months ago he had a promotion at work. He has a cubicle in Yokohama and the curators ask him to proof part of the exhibition catalogue before it goes to press in two months.
He has two days off at the end of his trip. He takes a shink train to Hiroshima. Sanada buys a frappucino and a bento in the train station there. A salaryman gropes his side on the tram. Sanada glares. He grinds his teeth and says nothing. On his way off the tram, he wheels his suitcase over the man's foot and snarls "Tarundoru" under his breath.
The ferry makes him queasy. His stomach wants to crawl up his throat and throw itself over the railing into the calm, silky waters of the Inland Sea. Sanada clings to the edge of the boat and feels ill. He heaves, but he doesn't vomit.
The train out of Matsuyama is quiet and he has a pair of seats for himself. Sanada stuffs his suitcase into the aisle seat. He puts on a pair of sunglasses. The sky is overcast.
Sanada hides under his hat when he exits the train. There are a number of woman and young couples at the station. He blushes and avoids any eye contact.
The ryokan is clean and tucked away on a backstreet filled with tourist shops and fish restaurants. The sky is dark and the town small and laid back. Sanada misses the bustle and frantic urgency of home, but the calm atmosphere and empty evening streets soothe his nerves. He walks over a canal. The houses are low. The water gleams with the reflection of the moon. Sanada squints at his guidebook.
He doesn't find the restaurant the book recommends, but he does find an eating complex packed with small places. Sanada chooses the least busy one. The waitress asks if he's here to see the shrine. A feverish flush stains his face. Yukimura sends him an email during supper and Sanada squirms.
kyoto is nice he emails back.
He eats marinated sea bream and a plate of rice. Sanada orders a second beer and staggers back to his ryokan. His stomach is still twisted.
***
In the morning, Sanada walks to the shrine.
He wears his cap. He wears his sunglasses. He holds a dark umbrella over his head. The sky is variable, but the clouds are not grey. He is red-faced when he pays his admission at the gate. He is red-faced when he shuffles through the temple complex. Sanada waits his turn for a crowd of young women to leave the shrine building. One pushes a stroller. The smell of sweet incense makes his chest swell. His hand shakes when he tosses his fifty-yen coins, but he claps loud enough and bows his head.
Please, he mouths. Please!
At one of the next shrines, he shifts his eyes. The women are slow ahead of him. There is a couple not too far behind. Sanada reaches into his purse and takes a deep breath. He leaves a pair of panties (clean, but slightly wrinkled from the suitcase).
Please, he mouths. Please!
In the museum gift shop, Sanada buys a book called Edo Prints. He packs it into his purse and feels pleased with himself.
He visits the other main shrine of the town. He takes sixteen pictures. His feet are sore in his sneakers from walking around all day. On his way back toward the ryokan, Sanada eats at the first restaurant he finds. The scallop spaghetti is good. The beer is cold. Sanada emails Yukimura again and says the Silver Pavilion was pretty, but that he forgot to take pictures.
In the ryokan, Sanada uses the public bath. He frowns when he sees the women's sign, but he pads into the change room anyway. The water is scorching hot and smells of minerals. He slips into the bath deeper. His breasts bob. The crick in his neck dissolves into the spiraling steam.
Sanada packs his suitcase and takes the book from his purse. His skin is damp from the bath. His fingertips leave prints as he opens the plastic cover and slides the book out.
His eyes pop open.
The book is full of shunga prints.
And it comes with a free, penis-shaped bookmark.
***
"What's this?" Yukimura asks. He holds up the book in one hand. In the other, he holds the bookmark.
"Nothing!" Sanada grabs the book. Yukimura doesn't let go.
"I never thought you were that kinky, Genichirou," he says. "You could have said something."
They end up on the futon in a position like print number 54. Sanada's on his side. Yukimura's dick is between his legs and his fingers flick at Sanada's clit. They both have their shirts on, but Sanada's is unbuttoned to the navel. His bra is open. It has a clasp at the front. Yukimura licks the sweat from the top of his breasts and he buries his head in Sanada's cleavage. He thrusts. Sanada mewls.
They bookmark page seventy-six next.
***
It is Sunday and Sanada has the day off. Yukimura left yesterday. Renji and Jackal are coming over for supper later. Sanada invited Yagyuu, but Yagyuu never returned his call.
The big supermarket is three stops away on the subway line. The snow crunches underfoot on the sidewalks. Two inches fell last night. Sanada woke up and his feet stuck out of the end of the futon. He was cold. The sun is blinding on the blanket of white coating the city: trees, shrubs, cars, rooftops. Sanada squints.
The floor of the train carriage is slippery and covered in half-melted footprints from a hundred pairs of boots and shoes. Sanada clings to the handhold, but he doesn't slip. Outside the subway station he waits at a light. A dumpy woman crosses the street perpendicular to him. She pushes a stroller through the snow. It slides and snakes along. Her stomach is swollen and she has another baby strapped to her chest. A small child toddles along beside her, connected to her coat belt by a leash. "Oi, Sanada!" she calls. She chucks her chin up and smirks.
Sanada blinks.
He doesn't recognize the woman until he sees the mole.
***
This year, the ocean currents are colder than usual and it snows a second time in mid-February, right before Valentine's Day. Yukimura's birthday is coming up. He'll be home for a few days this year. Sanada and Renji go shopping on the weekend.
"I need help," Sanada mumbles. They walk past a shop front with a display of racy red lingerie. Renji nods to the window. Sanada chokes.
"Crotchless panties?"
Sanada shakes his head. "No!"
"That bustier looks nice," Renji says. He backtracks toward the door, but his balance is off. He slides a hand over his belly and pulls the door open. Sanada frowns. He tip-toes inside ahead of Renji and curses him.
After, they each carry a bag, but the store's name is bold on either side. Sanada hides his behind his purse. Renji doesn't seem to care. He waddles through the snow-dusted sidewalks.
"There was another article in Tennis Pro Monthly about Akaya," Renji says.
Sanada grunts. "Were you mentioned this time?"
Renji sniffs. "It was the usual accusations from fans. That I'm a selfish slut ruining his career. That I seduced him as a teenager."
"Did you?" Sanada asks.
Renji turns to a café sign. "I'm hungry," he says. It smells like baked croissants and sweet pastries. Sanada orders a venti latte. Renji orders a plate of brioche and one slice of lemon-poppy seed loaf. There is a free table on the second floor. Sanada stretches his legs and drops his bags. Renji chows down on a pastry that flakes all over the plate.
"I would consider that it was mutual," he says. "Akaya asked me on a date. Akaya asked if he could kiss me. Akaya asked if he could put his hand up my shirt."
Sanada stiffens. Renji notices and laughs under his breath.
"But I didn't discourage him," he says. Renji turns to the window wall and looks out. The street is filled with blinking signs and flashing lights, a hundred colours and a thousand pedestrians in thick coats shuffling past. He sighs. "He's sweet and thoughtful and satisfies me sexually."
Sanada spits out a sip of his latte. It dribbles down the side of the take-away cup. He gathers himself and wipes the latte from his chin. "Are you unhappy?" he asks.
Renji says no. "I'm not a bored housewife, if that's what you're asking, Genichirou."
Sanada frowns. He moves his cup around in small circles on the table. A café barista walks behind them, sweeping the floor and pushing in chairs.
"It's been ten years now," Renji says. "Are you unhappy?"
Sanada doesn't answer.
***
"Chow!"
"What?"
"It's Italian for hi, Genichirou."
"Aa. Hi."
"Hi you."
"Rome's nice."
"The food?"
"Good, but I'm sick of cheese. It gives me the shits last night."
"Hn."
"Genichirou?"
"Seiichi?"
"How are you?"
"Fine."
"Your…was it a project you were doing?"
"It's fine."
"Miss you."
Sanada breathes softly. "You too."
"I was offered a sponsorship by Asics. I'm gonna take it. We can do something special after the season's over."
Sanada nods. He frowns at the phone and he doesn't know why. Yukimura tells him about the Rome Masters and the rude Italians. Sanada nods again. Yukimura tells him he loves him. Sanada hangs up the phone and goes to bed. His chest feels hollow, but his breasts press down on his ribs.
The cherry blossoms haven't burst into a pink cloudy bloom yet.
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Pairing(s): Yukimura/Sanada + others
Wordcount: 28 000
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created by Konomi Takeshi. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: Everything you can possibly imagine. Not for the weak of heart-or of mind. Spoilers for 40.5.
Summary: Sanada is a girl.
Author's notes: This is something I have been thinking about for a long time. It's everything I want to read in a fic, and then some. Written for Valentines 2008.
This fic has been truncated into 3 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is [mostly] a one-shot fic. [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]
Comments are most welcome.
Kirihara's grandmother has a farm in the country, north and west of the city out towards Saitama. They take a local train and it takes almost two hours to get there. Kirihara talks the whole way. He babbles as much as his daughter.
Niou and Yagyuu bring their baby too. Sanada can't nap. He stares out the window and glares at the scenery: all bare rice fields and patches of bamboo forest and evergreens. Yukimura draws on his sketchpad beside Sanada.
It is the day after Christmas. They will be gone for a week.
Sanada has never been to Kirihara's grandmother's farm, but the old house is large and drafty and homely. The bedrooms are down a long corridor, eel-like and old-fashioned. There is a separate bath house that they sweep cobwebs from the ceiling corners. The air is fresh up here at the foothills of the mountains. The sky is brighter in the day and pitch-black at night.
The forests around the farm are silent, except when the wind rustles the dead leaves on the ground. Sanada thinks about a Miyazaki film and smiles. Renji does an impression. Everyone laughs at him, except his daughter. Kirihara's grandmother indulges her with azuki buns and cookies. She doesn't seem to care that Kirihara is only seventeen and still a child himself. He offers to bring in wood from the shed for her. She bakes him cookies too, but shares them with everyone else.
They eat spicy beef hot pot for supper and Renji and Jackal help with dishes. Niou wanders off to the bathroom. Yukimura wanders off, too, saying something about a bath. He glances over his shoulder at Sanada.
The bath house smells like cedar and the steam makes the air thick and palpable. Sanada takes his clothes off and Yukimura scrubs himself down. He passes the soap to Sanada by sliding it over Sanada's stomach.
"I know obaachan said we have to sleep in separate rooms but…" Yukimura rubs his dick on Sanada's hip. He licks Sanada's jaw and then kisses Sanada hard on the mouth. "She didn't say we couldn't bathe together."
It's been so long. A month, probably and before that, it was sporadic all autumn. The water splashes over the sides of the tub. Sanada bounces on Yukimura's dick. Yukimura sucks his nipples and nuzzles his breasts. Sanada sighs. He doesn't come the first time, but he enjoys Yukimura's dick inside him, filling him up and stretching just enough to feel good.
They lie there and soak. Yukimura sticks his head under the water and surfaces with a big grin. He plays with Sanada's breasts idly, stroking the sides. Sanada's leg bumps against the back of the tub when he lifts it over Yukimura's bum. Yukimura's dick slides in again when he thrusts. Jackal's voice is outside, and Niou's too.
"Er…don't come in!" Yukimura shouts. "Give us a minute?"
"Us?" Niou asks.
***
Sanada and Yukimura walk back to the house, heads hung in shame.
It's a good thing Kirihara's grandmother is asleep. The knowing smiles are bad enough.
Sanada aches between his legs. Yukimura never finished. His clit is sensitized and throbbing. He listens for the even breathing of Jackal and Renji and Niou as he lies there, then he slides a hand under his yukata.
Then the door slides open and light streams across the floor. Sanada whips his hand out and lays it on his thigh, chaste and innocent under the futon cover. The shadow of a child stands there, eclipsed against the hallway light.
"Mommy?"
Niou grunts. He lifts a corner of his cover and his son toddles over. He rustles and wiggles and sniffs and snorts. Sanada gives up any hopes for masturbating.
***
He's the first awake. It's dark out. The stars twinkle outside the shuttered window. His nose is cold. The air is cold in the house without heating. Sanada burrows under his cover.
There are footsteps outside in the hallway. Sanada puts on a pair of socks and slippers and slides the door open. He's careful to avoid stepping over Hiromi's arm that dangles out from Niou's under futon cover.
Yukimura leans against the hallway wall. His hair is limp and hangs over his eyes. Sanada pats away one of his own fly-aways. Yukimura smiles.
They don't say anything. They creep to the back of the house and walk outside. Sanada feels sneaky. He shivers under his yukata. It's too cold: he should have brought a pair of pajamas. Yukimura holds him and rubs his arms, asking if Sanada is all right.
Sanada takes Yukimura's hand off his breast and slides it under the fold of the yukata.
***
On New Year's Eve, they climb a mountain. It's an hour's walk from Kirihara's grandmother's farm. Their sneakers crunch on the frozen roads. Snow hides in the crevices of thick underbrush. Natsuko bounces along on her tippy-toes. Niou pushes a pram until it gets stuck in a ditch, then Yagyuu pushes it. Marui slides an arm around Jackal's waist and pats his bum. Jackal winces.
Sanada and Yukimura walk behind everyone else. Sanada breathes into his scarf. Yukimura swings his arms. He has blue mittens that are soft when he takes Sanada's hand. The stars are bright and crisp against the velvet sky. Sanada yawns. He didn't slept all evening when the others napped.
Their stomachs are full of Korean tofu stew and tea and homemade melon pan. Yukimura's breath smells like mandarins when he speaks. "There's Orion," he says. "And there's the Big Dipper."
The mountain isn't very high or steep and there are a few other yawning faces hiking up the wide, packed-earth steps. Marui holds a torch. It bobs as they ascend the stairs. Kirihara straps his daughter to Renji's back. Niou dumps his kid on Yagyuu. "My back hurts," he says.
The climb is easy and slow and they wait on the top of the mountain before dawn as the sky lightens in the east to a shade of grey. Sanada pinches his arm to stay awake. Yukimura rests his head on Sanada's arm and rubs his wool coat. "We're almost done school," he says. "This could be our last New Year's all together."
Sanada feels a twinge of sadness. He swallows. He blinks. Then he leans back on Yukimura. His eyes are heavy.
The bells peel when the first finger of light touches the horizon, a crack of amber ripping the eastern landscape and filtering through the forests in the valleys below. "Happy New Years!" Yukimura says. He kisses Sanada on the mouth. He runs his tongue along Sanada's lips until Sanada opens to them and slides his tongue back over Yukimura's. He should be embarrassed, but no one knows him here except his friends.
It's not a secret to them.
"Happy New Years," he mumbles. He hunches under his cap, but his grip on Yukimura's hand is tight.
Niou tells Yagyuu that he's pregnant again.
***
"Keep your dick in your pants!" Sanada snaps. He grabs Yagyuu's arm and digs his fingers in hard.
Yagyuu's expression doesn't change. Sanada lets go. Yagyuu brushes his shoulder off. "It is none of your business," he says.
"You're not even eighteen yet!" Sanada says. "Use a fucking condom!"
Yagyuu pushes his glasses up. "Like I said, it doesn't concern you, Sanada-kun." His lip turns up at the side. He adds, "I like kids."
***
Nekochan dies.
He finds her body under the shelves in the kitchen. Her fur is matted, but Sanada pets her the way he used to when she was sleek and smooth. He lights a stick of incense on the family altar and walks upstairs. He sits in his room and cries. Yukimura phones. Sanada doesn't answer.
There is a cold depression at the end of his futon, right between his feet.
***
On Valentine's, Sanada brings Yukimura a box of giri choco. Yukimura says, "I'm going pro the first day of April. I'll miss the start of the season, but maybe I'll be seeded by the summer."
The chocolates slip from Sanada's hands. He can’t feel his fingers, they've all gone numb.
The university results are announced on the PA the same afternoon.
"Sanada…pass."
***
"Why are you being so cold?" Yukimura snaps.
Sanada purses his lips. He stomps off home. The dojo floor still smells like the bug bomb from the latest tatami infestation. Sanada breathes in the fumes as he slices through a straw dummy.
Grandfather says his handle on the sword is getting sloppy. "Your form is terrible, Genichirou!" he snaps. "Lazy ass!"
Sanada stomps off to his room.
His period comes and spots his underwear.
***
Sanada ticks 女性 on the university registration forms.
***
He and Renji go shopping. Renji buys another t-shirt from a department store for himself, and a book from the fourth floor of the HMV. Sanada buys nothing. They go home. Sanada has cramps again this month.
Yukimura calls from the university gym when Sanada is on the train. His voice is so loud that Renji can hear too. "I'm sorry, okay?" he says. "Is that what you want to hear?"
Sanada doesn't know what he wants to hear. Yukimura's apology isn't it, though.
University starts in a week.
Mom buys him a Lacoste purse. It sits on his place at the table when he gets home. It is black and plain. "I thought you might like it," she tells him. "There's room for your pet rock, too."
***
There is room.
This makes Sanada feel a little better. His carries his rock around to his lectures. The other girls don't notice a thing. Marui asks what the hell he's lugging around. They have economics lectures together.
***
He misses having sex with Yukimura.
But something hollow still sits in the bottom of his belly.
Sanada works on his assignments. Yukimura stops calling-he's too busy training anyway.
"I always figured you guys would be together forever," Kirihara says. He tagged along with Renji to the streetcourt. Sanada frowns and says nothing. His chest aches. His sports bra feels too tight around his ribcage.
***
Ken-chan shuts up on Sanada's birthday. Mom slaps his arm when he starts to ask Sanada something. "It's Genichirou's birthday!" she hisses.
They eat supper at home. Mom makes his favourite: nameko miso and BBQ beef. Dad was supposed to bring a cake from the shop by his office. He forgets. Sanada frowns and says it's fine. He blinks three times. Grandfather tells him to sign up for the university kendo club. He slaps Sanada on the shoulder, just like he is a boy again.
He's not.
He goes to bed at eight o'clock. He isn't tired, but his body lays limp on top of his futon. Sanada thinks about the essay in world history he has due in three weeks. Tomorrow, he'll go to the library.
Someone rings the buzzer downstairs. Sanada can hear Mom answer the door. He rolls onto his side. Someone is outside his door. "Genichirou?" she asks. She knocks. Sanada grunts and says its fine without cake tonight. He sniffs. Lying on his side like this squishes his breasts.
The door opens and closes. Someone else breathes heavily. Sanada sits up and sees Yukimura standing there with a bouquet of flowers. Sanada swallows. His throat catches.
"Can I take you out tonight?" Yukimura asks.
Sanada stares at his wall. There is a bubble under the paint that forms a shadow.
Yukimura sighs. "Why are you being like this?" he snaps. "You never used to be like this!"
"I never used to be a GIRL!" Sanada shouts. Then he starts to cry. Yukimura cringes and sets the flowers down. Sanada cries harder and wipes at his nose with his sleeve.
"Please come out with me tonight," Yukimura says. He sits down on the futon and rubs Sanada's shoulder. He pulls Sanada's head to his chest and touches the top of his hair.
Finally, Sanada mumbles, "I don't have anything to wear."
"That's okay," Yukimura says. "You're always pretty to me."
Sanada wears jeans and a sweater. He pulls his cap down over his eyes and gives the bouquet to Mom to put in a vase. She smiles at Yukimura. She winks at Sanada.
It is drizzling outside. The air is misty and cool. Yukimura holds out his umbrella. It is clear and Sanada can see the city lights through it. "I didn't mean what I said back there," he says. He takes Sanada's hand and weaves their fingers together. Sanada scuffs his shoes on the pavement trying to keep pace with Yukimura. He doesn't say anything. Yukimura doesn't say where they are going.
They go downtown to one of the piers. The water is black and reflects the skyscrapers and hundreds of rainbow signs, neon characters and romanji flashing, advertising everything they don't need or want. Sanada shivers and Yukimura wraps his arm around Sanada.
They lean against a fence overlooking the water and Yukimura kisses him on the cheek. Nearby is a Starbucks where Yukimura buys Sanada a slice of lemon cake. He watches Sanada eat it. "Happy Birthday, Genichirou," he says.
It's late. They walk down a shopping arcade, all but empty now with the shop fronts closed and the stalls brought inside to be locked up. Sanada says he needs to go home.
"No," Yukimura says.
Sanada blinks. The rain patters on the arcade roof. "But-"
Yukimura raises his eyebrows. His hair is shorter than Sanada remembers. He must have had it cut recently. "You're nineteen now," he says. "I said I'm taking you out tonight. I meant all night, dummy."
***
The love hotel is nicer than any they've been to before. Yukimura pays with his credit card. That is new too.
Sanada protested all the way here. He said he needed to go home. He said his parents would ask. He said he has morning lectures and the trains will stop running soon. He said they shouldn’t be doing this but Yukimura kept holding his hand and shaking his head.
There are no Christmas songs or blinking lights. There are no musty sheets or cheesy pay-per-view-porn options. There are no complimentary vibrators either, or chocolates on the pillows.
Sanada lies back on the bed and Yukimura kisses him. He pulls off Sanada's clothes, piecemeal with kisses pressed all over his skin. Sanada sighs. His cheeks feel wet. Yukimura licks his face and tells Sanada he loves him, he missed him, Sanada don't push me away again.
They make love two, three, maybe four times until Sanada is so over-sensitized his cunt hurts and Yukimura can't come anymore. They lie there under a single sheet and Yukimura strokes his arm. Sanada touches Yukimura's shoulder. The muscle feels bigger. Yukimura's been working out.
"I want you to move in with me when I get my own place," he says.
Sanada starts to cry again. He doesn't know why, but the words feel right.
***
They go shopping in Harajuku. Sanada skips his economics lecture. He feels mildly guilty, but he texts Marui to ask for the class notes anyway. Yukimura says he's missing morning practice. They eat crepes at a café. Sanada flushes when Yukimura gets chocolate on his chin and licks it off with hooded eyes.
The morning is humid. Spring insects are humming and the hydrangeas bloom in planters. Yukimura buys Sanada a skirt at the Gap and two t-shirts from Uniqlo. They fit better than anything he's worn before. The cotton is soft and his nipples press through the fabric when he tries them on in the fitting room.
Yukimura smiles. "Now you can't say you don't have anything pretty to wear."
***
Niou waddles. Sanada sees him and Yagyuu walking a department store around the university campus. Niou pats his stomach and snickers. Yagyuu murmurs something in Niou's ear. Their toddler makes grabby-fists in the general direction of the chemistry sets.
A week later, Yagyuu bumps into Sanada in the humanities library. "Ah, Sanada-kun," he says. "Did you hear that Niou-kun and I are getting an apartment together?"
Sanada frowns.
Jackal and Marui break up.
"He's too high maintenance," Jackal says. "It's all about him!"
Marui phones Sanada too. He rants and shouts and Sanada can hear the snapping sounds of bubblegum popping in the background. "He wants so much effort, jeez. Like, I always have to hold doors open for him and hold his purse and he never cuts me any slack, you know?"
"Don't be a lazy ass," Sanada says. He hangs up.
***
Marui stops shaving. He looks homeless wandering around campus in an old pair of Converse sneakers.
"They're vintage," he says.
"What's with the face pubes?" Niou asks.
Marui huffs and sticks his chest out. He runs his fingers over his hair top lip. "It's a singles moustache!" he snaps. "Chicks like these things!"
"I don't," Niou says.
"You're not a girl," Sanada mutters.
Niou raises an eyebrow and glances down at Sanada's chest. He snorts. Sanada's face feels hot. A crow caws from the top of the cafeteria building.
***
Yukimura flies to Europe in July. "Please support me," he says to Sanada at the airport. At the gate, they kiss. Sanada feels awkward in public. An old woman stares at them. A little kid points and laughs and tells his mother that lady has big boobies.
"I like your big boobies," is the last thing Yukimura says.
They send emails every second day. Sanada cuts out clippings from the newspaper about the new, unseeded Japanese player on the circuit. He thinks about what it would be like to have gone pro himself sometimes-usually when he's working on long economics problems in the library. Maybe he could have. Maybe he should have, but he didn't.
Sanada watches clips on the tv at home, footage from yesterday afternoon. He watches Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova battle it out, all grunts and flapping skirts. He remembers the catfight in junior high school and shudders.
He enjoys his university classes. He plays tennis with Renji and Yagyuu at the university gym or local streetcourts. Sometimes, he goes back to the high school with Renji to watch Kirihara. He emails Yukimura a message before he goes to bed and signs it luv Genichirou
***
"So we're going to Chiba on Saturday," Marui says. "Wanna come?"
"We?"
Marui shrugs. "Yeah, we're back together."
His singles moustache is shaved off.
***
Renji helps the high school team with their Nationals training. Niou has a new baby. Sanada has three weeks off courses. He agrees to come.
"You wore that?" Jackal asks. He pulls at the hem of Sanada's t-shirt.
Marui scoffs at Sanada's khakis. "Are you visually impaired? One too many head-banging sex sessions with- OW!"
There are many shops that sell Billabong bathing suits and board shorts along the Chiba beaches. Sanada finds this out the hard way. He slinks along the sand in a blue one-piece. The back is too low. His breasts feel exposed. His flip-flops get sand between his toes.
Jackal pulls off his shorts. Sanada doesn't know how he got away wandering into shops in a yellow bikini top, tied with strings at his neck. Jackal isn't chesty, but his breasts bounce as he flops down on the sand. Marui licks his lips. Jackal tosses his shorts away.
His butt sticks out.
He's wearing a thong bottom. He doesn't have any tan lines, either. Jackal and Marui play beach volleyball and splash around in the water. Sanada sits under the umbrella and sweats. He wants to bury his head in the sand and pretend he didn't see Jackal pick the string out of his butt for the fifth time.
***
"There's a club nearby," Marui says. He adjusts his sunglasses and his arm around Jackal's waist. "It has four floors: house, techno, pop and trance."
"We're underage," Sanada says.
"Live a little," Jackal says. They go for tempura and snack on peanuts at the bar. Sanada's arm feels sunburned. Jackal slaps Marui's hand off his ass again.
Marui hands Sanada a card. Sanada turns it over and scowls. The server brings their tempura shrimp. "What is this?" he hisses.
"ID," Marui says.
"Now you're Hamasaki Ayuki," Jackal says. He snickers.
Sanada groans. He doesn't understand the joke Marui makes. He reaches over and picks up Jackal's ID card, and then his face twitches. "Coco Caboose?" he asks.
Jackal's face is as red as the boiled crabs in the bar across the street.
***
The music deafens him.
The stink of smoke burns his nostrils.
The air tastes of chalk from the dry ice puffing up everywhere.
But the sight of Jackal, grinding and thrusting against Marui's thighs as they gyrate to the music is what does it. Jackal's thighs shake. Marui humps Jackal's hip. They are practically having sex on the dancefloor with their heads thrown back and hands all over Jackal's sweating body. Sanada leaves. He sits at the train station until the first train arrives at five am.
There is an email from Yukimura.
Miss you. Coming home in 10 days.
***
"I'm moving in with Yukimura," Sanada mumbles. He stares at his miso soup and wishes that he was allowed to wear his cap at the dinner table.
Mom smiles. Ken-chan snickers. Sanada tries to kick him under the table.
"Are you married yet?" Grandfather asks. He scowls.
Sanada flushes. He's prepared for that question. He's prepared to explain that no, they aren't, but it's not that unusual now and he promises to-
"Tarundoru!" Grandfather shouts. "You're too young to be shacking up with someone!"
"Oh, Ojiisan," Mom says. "Don't be such a stick in the mud." She laughs. Grandfather continues to scowl at Sanada. Sanada continues to feel awkward.
At least he's not pregnant.
***
Grandfather may be correct, Sanada knows this deep down. However, the world doesn't end. The heavens don't crash down. The sea doesn't swallow Japan and there is no apocalyptic earthquake.
They move in together in November.
The apartment is cold and drafty and leaks in the bathroom. The windows are tiny and Yukimura nearly lights the tatami mats on fire with the space heater. Sanada hides the singe marks under a rug.
Mom offers to take him to the Ikea in Kohuko. She buys Sanada two light fixtures and a frying pan. He buys a futon at a department store and curtains from Tokyu Hands downtown.
They are too young to be living together, but Sanada forgets about it when Yukimura fucks him on the kitchen counter. The rice cooker shuts off and sticks to the bottom of the bowl. Yukimura fingers him until Sanada's legs clench and he comes.
Yukimura snores.
He doesn't use the air freshener spray after he uses the toilet.
He leaves dirty tennis towels on the window ledge and complains when they fall down two floors to the pavement.
They don't have money for a kotatsu or a proper bookshelf for Sanada's textbooks.
But its home.
And Yukimura is warm when he sleeps. Sanada snuggles under his armpit and breathes in Yukimura's smell. He smiles and rubs his knee absently on Yukimura's calf.
***
"I'm pregnant again," Renji says.
"Me too," Niou says.
Sanada shuffles home. The croquettes he bought for supper don't sound as tasty anymore.
***
Yukimura is home off and on beginning in January. A couple weeks here, a month there. He flies to Australia and brings Sanada back a stuffed toad. The google-eyes stare at him.
Sanada frowns.
Yukimura frowns too. "It reminded me of you."
Yukimura is seeded, but low. Some days, he comes home and collapses on the futon with a milk tea in hand. He's still not old enough to drink yet. He works so hard on his training that he's too tired for sex. He doesn’t say anything, and Sanada tries to understand.
Sanada takes longer showers and slips his hand between his legs, rubbing his clit until he slumps into the tile wall and groans. The shower door slides open and Yukimura stares at him. His eyes drift down to Sanada's hand, then back up to his flushing face.
Yukimura pushes him harder into the wall until the tiles leave marks on Sanada's back. He forces his tongue in Sanada's mouth, deep and eager and he moans when Sanada's hand rises to clutch the back of his neck.
Yukimura is never too tired for sex again.
"What gave you that idea?" he asks.
Sanada can't answer. His heart beats so fast and he pants so much that he nearly passes out under the cold spray of water.
***
"Guess who had sex last night?" Marui asks.
Sanada groans. Snow dusts the ground. It's February. He steps in a puddle of slush and his sock gets wet. "I don't care," he says. He flips his cellphone shut.
"I am a fucking genius stud," Marui says. They are in economics class. Marui scribbles circles with nipples in his notes instead of the equations on the overhead projector.
"Jackal gave me some sweet sweet honey and I-"
"I don't want to hear it," Sanada says. The professor looks up in the lecture hall and narrows his eyes at Sanada. Sanada looks down at his workbook and curses Marui.
***
Kirihara goes pro, too.
The international newspapers call it a 'Japanese Renaissance' in the world of professional tennis. Sanada clips that article out too.
Renji is too large to play tennis anymore. This time it's obvious he's pregnant. This time Sanada understands the round swell of his middle and the budding breasts on his chest. Normally, Renji has the physique of a stick.
Sanada plays with Jackal, but it's not the same. He would play with Yagyuu more-Yagyuu is better, and even after the years, his laser beam cuts as sharp as ever-but Yagyuu is too busy studying most days or at home with Niou and his family.
Jackal grunts and seethes through his teeth like Serena Williams. Sanada shudders and loses a point. But he wins the match and the game. His muscles sting a little. He's not as in shape as he was in high school and he doesn't go to the dojo very often. It's across the city. He tends to forget about kendo when he's on his back with Yukimura's cock in his cunt at night.
In the locker room, Jackal frowns. He rubs the back of his neck with his towel and pulls off his shirt. Sanada can see the outline of Jackal's nipples through his sports bra. He shifts his weight and turns away.
"I think I'm pregnant," Jackal says. "I guess that makes me a slut now, right?"
***
"Fuck," Sanada says under his breathe. He balls his fist and shakes it. "Fuck."
"Excuse me," someone says. Sanada whips his head around. A scrawny salaryman looks at him and adjusts his glasses. "Are you nearly finished with the ticket machine, miss?"
Sanada stomps off.
He has to pay a fare adjustment when he changes train. He pressed the wrong ticket price. "Fuck," he says.
***
Yukimura is out with an injury this season. He twists his ankle at practice and says nothing. "I was working through the strain," he tells the doctor. His ligament is torn. He gets crutches and a lecture.
He sits at home when he's not at the sports centre doing rehab. He cleans and organizes the apartment. He throws out all of Sanada's tampons lying around. Sanada discovers this one month when he needs one.
Yukimura airs the futon out all wrong and gets pigeon poop on it. Yukimura clogs the sink with rice. Yukimura nearly poisons them with ant killer and the fumes from the insecticide make him giggle.
Sanada hides at the university campus. He eats in the cafeteria. He gains weight and one night, Yukimura says that Sanada has knockers. Sanada scowls and shoves Yukimura off his side of the futon. Yukimura pouts. He apologizes with oral sex. But he's still irritating when Sanada wakes up to the smell of bleach permeating from the bathroom.
That summer, Kirihara is seeded.
Renji and Niou have more babies.
Sanada gets a yeast infection. Whispering to the receptionist in the university clinic that he's itchy down there and has strange gunk coming out is beyond mortifying.
Lying with his legs spread apart and a cold implement on his skin is worse.
***
"At least you didn't have to pee in a cup," Jackal says.
Sanada stares at him.
"I get to do that every time I see the gynecologist."
***
Yukimura finishes rehab. He's seeded sixty-first in the circuit.
Kirihara is fifty-ninth.
Sanada cuts out news articles and pastes them to his scrapbook. He slots Yukimura's professional photosets into his album. Behind those, he tucks the private photos. He has images of Yukimura sitting on the bench after they played a streetcourt game one evening. The light is purple behind the train cables. Yukimura looks away from the camera and his sweaty face shines.
Sanada has another image of the two of them. Renji offered to take it. "Do you even have any photos together?" he asked. Sanada didn't need to answer. He scowled at the camera. Yukimura pinched his butt. The photograph shows his wide eyes and parted mouth.
The photograph also shows Yukimura's gleaming eyes, looking at Sanada instead of the camera.
***
The apartment leaks all summer. The typhoons are worse than normal. Yukimura leaves a pair of sneakers on the balcony one evening. Come morning, they are soaked. He stomps around and yells at Sanada. Sanada slaps him. "I wasn't the one who left them out there!" he shouts.
Yukimura accuses him of being a bitch. Sanada slaps Yukimura's other cheek.
Then they have sex on the tatami floor. Sanada hits Yukimura's shoulders and says no. Yukimura pulls at his hair and bites the top of his breast. Sanada knees Yukimura in the groin and Yukimura growls at him. Sanada ends up on his hands and knees thrusting back and arching his back. Yukimura's thighs slap against his ass.
It's the best sex of Sanada's life.
***
"Thank you for watching them," Renji says. "We’ll be back in two days." He hands Sanada a bag. It is heavy and smells like milk and baby powder. "Genki's stuff is in here."
Yukimura juggles the baby in his arms. Genki starts to scream. Kirihara forces a laugh and apologizes.
Renji gives Sanada another bag. Sanada's arm drops from the weight. "These are Natsuko's books," he says.
"Books?" Sanada asks. He looks down. Natsuko's hand is warm and sweaty in his. She blinks at him. Her hair ribbon is slipping out of her curls. She's four years old.
How the hell does a four year old need a library? he thinks. Renji smiles and waves goodbye. Sanada has the list of phone numbers taped to the refrigerator door.
He and Yukimura take Kirihara's kids to a park near their apartment. The equipment is covered in chipped paint and there is a large maple tree with a bench underneath. Natsuko takes a book from the bag and reads all afternoon. She looks like Kirihara. She sticks her tongue out and chews it when she concentrates, but she is quiet like Renji.
Genki screams the entire weekend.
"You don't…want kids, do you?" Yukimura asks. He grimaces. He stuffs another pacifier in Genki's mouth. The baby spits it out, pauses for a moment, and waves his fists as he screams harder.
Sanada has a migraine.
***
It's his last year of university. He has a group project in his Meiji History seminar. They meet in one of the library conference rooms. There are three girls and two boys.
"Tuesdays are no good for me," one of the girls says. "My boyfriend's off on Tuesdays and I'm busy all day."
Sanada grunts. Lazy ass, he thinks. He folds his arms over his breasts and scowls. It is spring and the weather is warm. Yukimura is in Italy at an exhibition game. He will be back in one week, on Wednesday.
The group looks at him. "What day is good for you?" the one guy asks. "We're all good for Wednesday."
Sanada's lips twitch. He looks at the girl and narrows his eyes. "Wednesday's not good for me," he says. "My boyfriend gets home that day."
It is the first time he has ever used the word.
He flushes a bit, but it feels good. Sanada emails Yukimura on the train home. I miss u. Im thinking of u right now.
***
Yukimura plays in the first round of Wimbledon. He doesn't make it any further.
Kirihara makes it to round two. He plays a Ukrainian who trains in America. Sanada and Renji watch the matches together in Renji's apartment. Renji pats his stomach and makes them tea. Genki and Natsuko are asleep. It is nearly midnight.
"I have a craving for shrimp chips," Renji says. He passes Sanada the bag, offering them. Sanada shakes his head. He sighs. The images on the tv are grainy and green. His vision is blurred and unfocused at the edges. Renji crunches on chips.
Sanada walks home at two in the morning after Kirihara's game (loss, 2-6, 6-3, 5-7). His phone buzzes. His steps are lethargic and slow. He's tired. It is afternoon in London.
im thinking about u naked now. cant wait to c u soon
Sanada smiles. There is no one else around.
***
In September, they receive an invitation in the mail. It comes in a cream coloured envelope. Sanada opens it. Yukimura's practice is running late tonight. Sanada eats the rice and curry by himself before it cools anymore.
He reads the names on the card and frowns.
***
"You have to wear a dress," Jackal says. He balances the baby on his hip. His butt seems bigger than Sanada remembers. It sways of its own accord as Jackal moves. They walk along one of the winding streams through Yoyogi Park. The trees are bare and skeletal against the overcast sky, but the grass is still green. In the distance, the curving forms of the stadiums loom.
"Why?" Sanada asks.
"Well…" Jackal swings the baby to his other hip. She babbles nonsense and gives Sanada a gummy smile. He frowns. "Well, because you have to wear a dress to weddings. You're a girl."
Sanada scowls. He pulls at his cap. "I'm not a girl," he grumbles.
"We haven't exactly grown our dicks back yet," Jackal says. "It's been six years, Sanada."
Sanada stubs his toes on a tree root. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?" he asks. He clenches his jaw. His foot throbs.
"Nope."
"Go home to Marui."
"We're on a break."
Sanada stops limping. Jackal shakes his head and groans. "It's just too much sometimes," he says. Sanada didn't ask. Jackal tells him anyway. The baby grabs one of the straps of her carrier and slimes the end of it. She has Marui's round face and chin. "I told him if I heard one more reference to 'my mocha lovechild' or 'my milk chocolate baby' I was gone. And do you know what he said after that?"
Sanada doesn't care. He steps on a fallen leaf. It crumbles under his sneaker.
"He said, 'if you take my latte lovechild and lady lumps away, I'll never forgive you, Jackal!' So now I'm staying with my parents. And we gotta go buy you a dress."
***
Sanada graduates with an honours degree. He takes a job at one of the city archives in downtown Yokohama. He takes inventory and organizes the files.
The first day of the job, an OL showed him the coffee machine. "This is how the manager likes his coffee," she said. She minced her steps and spoke with a high-pitched voice.
The manager took one look at Sanada's glower and his size. Sanada never had to serve coffee to senpais again.
The senpais ignore him. The storage rooms are cool and the fluorescent lights dim. He eats lunch in the cafeteria and has the same thing everyday, lunch special #2 that has miso soup, salad, rice and the fish-of-the-day. He takes a bathroom break at 3 pm when the other archivists go out for a smoke. The work isn't very demanding and Sanada doesn't need to wear pantyhose.
Sanada leaves the office at 5:30 and meets Yukimura at Yokohama station by the entrance to the Soutetsu Line. They take the train home together most days. On his birthday, Yukimura is in Paris. He calls at seven in the morning, before Sanada leaves to catch his train.
"I played Tezuka in the first round," he says. His voice is breathless. Sanada sucks in a breath, too. "I kicked his ass."
Sanada smiles into the phone. He cradles his cell against his ear.
"I'm playing Lleyton Hewitt tomorrow," Yukimura says. "I'm ranked higher than him, but I've never played him before."
"You'll win," Sanada says.
Yukimura laughs. The sound makes Sanada's heart flutter. "Happy Birthday," he says. "I'll make sure you have an extra special present when I get home."
Yukimura beats Lleyton Hewitt. But he loses to Kirihara after.
He comes home quiet in his defeat. Sanada doesn't ask about the game-he read the play-by-play in the newspaper. He cooks Yukimura's favourite, rice and baked fish with spring onions and wakame.
Yukimura sits in bed and stares out the window. Faintly, Sanada can hear the rattling trains in the distance. The city lights are dim through the frosted panes of the window. "Am I not good enough?" Yukimura whispers. His voice catches.
Sanada swallows. He touches Yukimura's shoulder and hugs him from behind. They kiss, long and slow. Yukimura unties Sanada's yukata and presses his face to Sanada's chest, his cheek to Sanada's breast. They lie there. Sanada feels Yukimura's erection on his leg, but they don't have sex.
***
Niou and Yagyuu get married in the summer. Niou's family shows up. Yagyuu's mother doesn’t.
"She doesn't like Niou-kun," Yagyuu says. He adjusts his tie. His face looks green. It matches his corsage.
Niou wears a white dress. His hair grew out years ago and Sanada still finds the black odd on him. Niou has filled out over time, no longer the thin teenage boy. His cheeks are flushed and his mole disappears into a dimple when he smiles at Yagyuu.
Sanada lost track of how many children they have. A row of small Yagyuus sits in the first pew, most have glasses, but the youngest one is bald and stuffed into a blue onesie. Yagyuu's sister tickles her toes. She looks like Yagyuu too.
The entire ceremony is strange. The dress digs into Sanada's sides. Yukimura and Kirihara look bored, standing up beside Yagyuu, as Yagyuu jams his tongue down Niou's throat. Sanada squirms. Niou's entire family clears their throats and Yagyuu and Niou turn around, grinning and flushed and married.
But the party is good, and the food even better. Yukimura drinks too much wine. He's red in the face and asks Marui if Jackal was a good lay, in too loud a voice. Marui is drunk, too, and has a new goatee. He looks ridiculous. Sanada mutters "Tarundoru" but Marui doesn't hear.
The women crowd around Niou, all eager to catch his bouquet of hydrangeas and white roses. Sanada stands near the back. He scowls at them. Fools, he thinks.
"So…some of us are finally married," Renji says.
Sanada grunts.
"We all assumed it would be you and Yukimura first."
Sanada stiffens. His back aches.
Niou tosses his bouquet up high, like a tennis lob. As it arcs over the crowd, he lifts the hem of his dress and pulls a water gun from a holster strapped to his calf. He hoses the group of shrieking women down with a cackle.
Renji catches the bouquet.
***
Renji and Kirihara are married the following spring. They have a honeymoon in Kyoto. Yukimura offers to baby-sit their children. He ends up having an invitational in Canada that week.
Sanada has two Kirihara brats running around the tiny apartment. Natsuko stays with Kirihara's sister. She goes to school: Kanagawa Third Elementary, just like her dad. Genki and Kento shred Sanada's calligraphy paper and cry when he yells. They pout when Sanada serves them rice and katsudon.
"Where's the sauce?" Genki asks. "We always have sauce at home!" Kento bangs his fists on the table. He throws his pork cutlet onto the floor and Genki cackles. Sanada wants to strangle both of them within an hour.
***
"We need a bigger apartment," Sanada says.
Yukimura looks at him. He pushes a lock of hair from his eyes. "Oh. I wanted to get a car first."
***
Sanada refuses to sleep with Yukimura until they move. The summer damp has settled into the apartment. The ants and insects are back. Yukimura rolls on top of Sanada and licks his ear. "Come on, didn't you like that new Toyota model?" he whispers.
Sanada shoves him off.
They sign a new lease within a week.
***
They buy a car when Sanada is twenty-four.
It is a white Toyota. Yukimura drives Sanada to work the day after.
"Wasn't that the famous tennis player guy?" one of the OLs asks him.
Sanada grunts.
"Waaaait," another says. She steps in front of Sanada. She smells of too much perfume and has a Louis Vuitton handbag. Sanada cringes. He doesn't want to know anything about labels or fashion but the OLs talk loudly in the toilets. "Are you his girlfriend? There was an article in the latest AnAn and he was interviewed and said his girlfriend would-"
Sanada glares at them.
They don't back off until he agrees to get Yukimura's autograph for them both.
***
"Getting to be a bit of a Christmas cake, aren't you?"
Sanada turns around. Ken-chan stands in the dojo doorway, his smiles are as easy as ever. He waggles his eyebrows.
"That's all mom talks about, you know. You and your Yukimuffin and when you're going to get married and give her grandkids."
Sanada sheathes the sword. His concentration is shot. He comes to the dojo two or three times a month, preferably on days when his brother is not around. He snorts. "Go get your girlfriend pregnant, or something!" he spits.
Sanada feels fifteen again when Ken-chan laughs at him and calls him a pussy.
***
Ken-chan's girlfriend is due in five months.
They have a wedding in October. Her name is Emi and she went to school with Sanada.
His jaw drops when they meet.
"Did we play tennis together in junior high?" she asks. "I was the captain of the girls' team." She grabs Sanada's hand and shakes his arm. "And now we get to be sisters! Isn't that exciting?"
***
The pictures of the wedding party include Sanada, standing and scowling in the back row. He's crammed into a red cocktail dress. It matches the colour of the maple leaves and his face.
***
Ken-chan's wife has twins.
Sanada refuses to visit them. I don't care, he thinks. But at night he lies beside Yukimura and listens to the soft snores from his side of the bed. Sanada stretches a hand across his stomach. He doesn't fall asleep.
He throws out all the condoms in the apartment. Yukimura doesn't notice.
Nothing happens.
***
Yukimura pushes his cock deeper. He grunts. Sweat dribbles down his forehead. Yukimura has Sanada's arms pinned above his head by the wrist. Sanada struggles and the feelings are stronger, sweeter, better as Yukimura fucks him. Sanada leans back on the pillow, lifting his hips to meet Yukimura's thrusting. He moans. Yukimura hits that sweet spot and he groans again. "Seiichi…" His wrists burn. He's numb between the legs and filled to the hilt.
"I played Andy Roddick," Yukimura says. He thrusts again. His thighs shudder. Sanada bites into Yukimura's shoulder. His skin is buttery and slick under Sanada's tongue.
"He was a good player. His serve was amazing fast," Yukimura says. Sanada grunts. He closes his eyes to tune Yukimura out. All he wants is for that tense buildup in his belly to burst. His cunt is on fire. He gasps and squeezes Yukimura's cock. Yukimura squeaks.
"But he was nice, too," Yukimura slams his dick into Sanada. He's close. Sanada can feel it in the shake of his body. "We went out for drinks in Sydn-oh! Oh god…" Yukimura throws his head back and shudders. His mouth hangs open in a silent scream as he pours himself. Sanada trembles and bucks, too. He tightens his legs around Yukimura. His skin is on fire. Yukimura shifts and brushes his clit and he's gone.
Sanada pants as he lays there. Yukimura tells him about drinking in a Sydney bar with Andy Roddick. "He had a Lacoste endorsement, you know, but I have that Pocari Sweat one coming up."
***
"I'm having another baby," Renji says.
"This is ridiculous," Sanada mutters.
"It's going to be my last," Renji says. "Probably."
***
Yukimura plays in the US Open. So does Kirihara. Yukimura doesn't ask Sanada to come with him. Sanada doesn't say anything.
"I'm going with Akaya to New York," Renji tells him. Sanada frowns at his cellphone. He answers Renji's questions in monosyllables until Renji hangs up. Sanada wonders if it's even safe for Renji to be travelling.
At least he wasn't asked to baby-sit Kirihara's kids again. Sanada thinks about scrubbing pork cutlet off the floor. He cringes.
Sanada goes on a business trip to Osaka. He could drive the Toyota, but the office pays for train tickets and it would be a waste not to use them. He meets with a museum curator and goes over the exhibition contents. Three months ago he had a promotion at work. He has a cubicle in Yokohama and the curators ask him to proof part of the exhibition catalogue before it goes to press in two months.
He has two days off at the end of his trip. He takes a shink train to Hiroshima. Sanada buys a frappucino and a bento in the train station there. A salaryman gropes his side on the tram. Sanada glares. He grinds his teeth and says nothing. On his way off the tram, he wheels his suitcase over the man's foot and snarls "Tarundoru" under his breath.
The ferry makes him queasy. His stomach wants to crawl up his throat and throw itself over the railing into the calm, silky waters of the Inland Sea. Sanada clings to the edge of the boat and feels ill. He heaves, but he doesn't vomit.
The train out of Matsuyama is quiet and he has a pair of seats for himself. Sanada stuffs his suitcase into the aisle seat. He puts on a pair of sunglasses. The sky is overcast.
Sanada hides under his hat when he exits the train. There are a number of woman and young couples at the station. He blushes and avoids any eye contact.
The ryokan is clean and tucked away on a backstreet filled with tourist shops and fish restaurants. The sky is dark and the town small and laid back. Sanada misses the bustle and frantic urgency of home, but the calm atmosphere and empty evening streets soothe his nerves. He walks over a canal. The houses are low. The water gleams with the reflection of the moon. Sanada squints at his guidebook.
He doesn't find the restaurant the book recommends, but he does find an eating complex packed with small places. Sanada chooses the least busy one. The waitress asks if he's here to see the shrine. A feverish flush stains his face. Yukimura sends him an email during supper and Sanada squirms.
kyoto is nice he emails back.
He eats marinated sea bream and a plate of rice. Sanada orders a second beer and staggers back to his ryokan. His stomach is still twisted.
***
In the morning, Sanada walks to the shrine.
He wears his cap. He wears his sunglasses. He holds a dark umbrella over his head. The sky is variable, but the clouds are not grey. He is red-faced when he pays his admission at the gate. He is red-faced when he shuffles through the temple complex. Sanada waits his turn for a crowd of young women to leave the shrine building. One pushes a stroller. The smell of sweet incense makes his chest swell. His hand shakes when he tosses his fifty-yen coins, but he claps loud enough and bows his head.
Please, he mouths. Please!
At one of the next shrines, he shifts his eyes. The women are slow ahead of him. There is a couple not too far behind. Sanada reaches into his purse and takes a deep breath. He leaves a pair of panties (clean, but slightly wrinkled from the suitcase).
Please, he mouths. Please!
In the museum gift shop, Sanada buys a book called Edo Prints. He packs it into his purse and feels pleased with himself.
He visits the other main shrine of the town. He takes sixteen pictures. His feet are sore in his sneakers from walking around all day. On his way back toward the ryokan, Sanada eats at the first restaurant he finds. The scallop spaghetti is good. The beer is cold. Sanada emails Yukimura again and says the Silver Pavilion was pretty, but that he forgot to take pictures.
In the ryokan, Sanada uses the public bath. He frowns when he sees the women's sign, but he pads into the change room anyway. The water is scorching hot and smells of minerals. He slips into the bath deeper. His breasts bob. The crick in his neck dissolves into the spiraling steam.
Sanada packs his suitcase and takes the book from his purse. His skin is damp from the bath. His fingertips leave prints as he opens the plastic cover and slides the book out.
His eyes pop open.
The book is full of shunga prints.
And it comes with a free, penis-shaped bookmark.
***
"What's this?" Yukimura asks. He holds up the book in one hand. In the other, he holds the bookmark.
"Nothing!" Sanada grabs the book. Yukimura doesn't let go.
"I never thought you were that kinky, Genichirou," he says. "You could have said something."
They end up on the futon in a position like print number 54. Sanada's on his side. Yukimura's dick is between his legs and his fingers flick at Sanada's clit. They both have their shirts on, but Sanada's is unbuttoned to the navel. His bra is open. It has a clasp at the front. Yukimura licks the sweat from the top of his breasts and he buries his head in Sanada's cleavage. He thrusts. Sanada mewls.
They bookmark page seventy-six next.
***
It is Sunday and Sanada has the day off. Yukimura left yesterday. Renji and Jackal are coming over for supper later. Sanada invited Yagyuu, but Yagyuu never returned his call.
The big supermarket is three stops away on the subway line. The snow crunches underfoot on the sidewalks. Two inches fell last night. Sanada woke up and his feet stuck out of the end of the futon. He was cold. The sun is blinding on the blanket of white coating the city: trees, shrubs, cars, rooftops. Sanada squints.
The floor of the train carriage is slippery and covered in half-melted footprints from a hundred pairs of boots and shoes. Sanada clings to the handhold, but he doesn't slip. Outside the subway station he waits at a light. A dumpy woman crosses the street perpendicular to him. She pushes a stroller through the snow. It slides and snakes along. Her stomach is swollen and she has another baby strapped to her chest. A small child toddles along beside her, connected to her coat belt by a leash. "Oi, Sanada!" she calls. She chucks her chin up and smirks.
Sanada blinks.
He doesn't recognize the woman until he sees the mole.
***
This year, the ocean currents are colder than usual and it snows a second time in mid-February, right before Valentine's Day. Yukimura's birthday is coming up. He'll be home for a few days this year. Sanada and Renji go shopping on the weekend.
"I need help," Sanada mumbles. They walk past a shop front with a display of racy red lingerie. Renji nods to the window. Sanada chokes.
"Crotchless panties?"
Sanada shakes his head. "No!"
"That bustier looks nice," Renji says. He backtracks toward the door, but his balance is off. He slides a hand over his belly and pulls the door open. Sanada frowns. He tip-toes inside ahead of Renji and curses him.
After, they each carry a bag, but the store's name is bold on either side. Sanada hides his behind his purse. Renji doesn't seem to care. He waddles through the snow-dusted sidewalks.
"There was another article in Tennis Pro Monthly about Akaya," Renji says.
Sanada grunts. "Were you mentioned this time?"
Renji sniffs. "It was the usual accusations from fans. That I'm a selfish slut ruining his career. That I seduced him as a teenager."
"Did you?" Sanada asks.
Renji turns to a café sign. "I'm hungry," he says. It smells like baked croissants and sweet pastries. Sanada orders a venti latte. Renji orders a plate of brioche and one slice of lemon-poppy seed loaf. There is a free table on the second floor. Sanada stretches his legs and drops his bags. Renji chows down on a pastry that flakes all over the plate.
"I would consider that it was mutual," he says. "Akaya asked me on a date. Akaya asked if he could kiss me. Akaya asked if he could put his hand up my shirt."
Sanada stiffens. Renji notices and laughs under his breath.
"But I didn't discourage him," he says. Renji turns to the window wall and looks out. The street is filled with blinking signs and flashing lights, a hundred colours and a thousand pedestrians in thick coats shuffling past. He sighs. "He's sweet and thoughtful and satisfies me sexually."
Sanada spits out a sip of his latte. It dribbles down the side of the take-away cup. He gathers himself and wipes the latte from his chin. "Are you unhappy?" he asks.
Renji says no. "I'm not a bored housewife, if that's what you're asking, Genichirou."
Sanada frowns. He moves his cup around in small circles on the table. A café barista walks behind them, sweeping the floor and pushing in chairs.
"It's been ten years now," Renji says. "Are you unhappy?"
Sanada doesn't answer.
***
"Chow!"
"What?"
"It's Italian for hi, Genichirou."
"Aa. Hi."
"Hi you."
"Rome's nice."
"The food?"
"Good, but I'm sick of cheese. It gives me the shits last night."
"Hn."
"Genichirou?"
"Seiichi?"
"How are you?"
"Fine."
"Your…was it a project you were doing?"
"It's fine."
"Miss you."
Sanada breathes softly. "You too."
"I was offered a sponsorship by Asics. I'm gonna take it. We can do something special after the season's over."
Sanada nods. He frowns at the phone and he doesn't know why. Yukimura tells him about the Rome Masters and the rude Italians. Sanada nods again. Yukimura tells him he loves him. Sanada hangs up the phone and goes to bed. His chest feels hollow, but his breasts press down on his ribs.
The cherry blossoms haven't burst into a pink cloudy bloom yet.