Mischief Managed
Title: Mischief Managed
Author: eyesarmslove
Pairing: Puck/Kurt, Kurt-Puck-Finn friendship, Kurt/Rachel friendship, Glee ensemble
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3097
Disclaimer: FOX owns Glee
Spoilers: Spoilers for Funk.
Summary: No one messes with Kurt Hummel's friends. Not if they didn't want to suffer the wrath of the Marauders.
Notes: A sequel to 'I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good', Kurt brings back the Marauders to deal with Vocal Adrenaline.
Kurt Hummel realized at an early age that if you wanted something done right, you had to do it yourself. He applauded Will Schuester’s efforts at good, clean revenge and competition, he really did. But in the past couple of months, Kurt had learned what it truly meant to have friends. This lesson was one he yearned to learn but was denied year after year because, well, how could you know what your responsibilities as a friend were when you didn’t have any?
It was a well-known fact that Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry did not get along. Puck, Kurt’s hot and beautiful boyfriend, stipulated it was because they were too similar, trying to fill in the same pieces of the New Directions puzzle. Kurt (and Finn) scoffed at this, but deep down, he could acknowledge the validity of his boyfriend’s point. Either way, the tension between Kurt and Rachel existed, but now Kurt could say truthfully that he liked the small diva and appreciated her presence in his tight circle of friends. She, after Mercedes, cheered the loudest when Kurt and Puck came out as a couple. It warmed his heart to see her so happy for someone who treated her so badly in the past.
Her show of maturity upped the ante and he, as any daring poker player, followed suit. He complimented her fashion decisions when the offenses weren’t particularly heinous. He set up weekly Starbuck’s dates with both her and Mercedes in a show of friendship.
Somehow, Kurt and Rachel became friends. And no one messed with his friends.
It might be sad, but before New Directions made their debut, all Kurt knew about friendships was learned from books. Harry Potter was everything a lonely nine year-old Kurt needed: proof that, while he might not have friends (like a certain boy who lived in the cupboard under the stairs), he could end up with two of the best friends in the entire world.
From JK Rowling’s epic, Kurt learned that friends were there to pick you up when you fell down. They stood up for you, even when they thought you were in the wrong. They pulled pranks and shared the detention time when the pranks were caught. They fought alongside you in battle and were willing to sacrifice themselves for you.
Sure, show choir was a little different from fighting the most evil wizard in history, but there were parallels. Kurt finally had friends to fight for and damn it, he was going to fight. Right after he figured out a good plan for revenge.
He had to stifle his laughter when he walked in to the choir room. TPing? Really? That was the best those assholes could come up with? Talk about amateurs. But a prank was a prank and a challenge was a challenge. Kurt would bring the full wrath of the Marauders upon those Stepford rejects. Moony was the smart one. He was the one who thought of the best pranks and made sure that they could escape without being caught.
You hear that? Moony was the smart one. Meaning, Padfoot and Prongs were, under no circumstances, allowed to come up with a prank on their own.
And yet, here he was, sitting outside of Principal Figgins office, waiting for his morons to be dismissed. At the sound of the word “expelled”, his heart stopped. New Directions would be finished and so would his relationship with Puck. There was no way Burt Hummel would allow his son to date a high school reject. Thankfully, Shelby Cocoran stepped in and, ten minutes later, Schue, Sue, and the VA coach stalked by yelling, followed by the sheepish teenaged boys.
Kurt got up and grabbed one of each their ears, roughly pulling them into an empty classroom, the taller boys protesting the entire way, “Ow, ow, ow, ow, Kurt.”
“Baby, let up! Ow, Kurt, this hurts, ow!”
Kurt shoved them into the room, finally letting go of their ears, “Don’t Kurt or Baby me, you Neanderthals! What the hell were you thinking?”
Puck threw himself in a chair, folded his arms across his chest and pouted, “We were thinking that as official badasses of the school, we would defend our team against those fuckers.” Finn nodded in the chair next to him, still rubbing his ear.
“Official badasses? Are you out of your collective minds? We-“ he said pointed to the three of them, “-are the official badasses of the school. As in, me included. Need I remind you that I am the smart one. I think of the pranks. I make sure we’re not going to get arrested or, worse, expelled.”
Puck and Finn, despite the circumstances, turned to each other and grinned, saying in unison, “That girl needs to sort out her priorities.” Kurt smacked them on the back of their heads.
“Be serious-and if any of you make that serious/Sirius joke, I will hex you into next Tuesday!”
“I’d to see you try that,” Puck muttered under his breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, nothing. Alright, Moony. What do you suggest we do?”
“I’m still doing research. Meanwhile, the most pressing matter is finding the two of you jobs to pay off the tires and preventing Rachel from killing herself.”
Finn’s face screwed up in hurt, “She’s not doing that good, huh?”
Kurt’s heart broke for his friend. He knew that he was conflicted from the dueling feelings of happiness that the girl he loves is available and depression that said girl was hurt, “Don’t worry, Prongs, we’ll take care of her.”
Kurt was wracking his brain over this prank, day and night. It didn’t help that the rest of his glee club friends were letting Vocal Adrenaline’s stupid prank get to them or that Rachel was going off the deep end or that Mercedes and Quinn were battling over funk or that Schue was making them do funk or that, most recently, the Cheerios were going to hell in a hand basket because Sue Sylvester, of all people, was in a funk (God knows why). Kurt did his best thinking under stress, but this shit was getting ridiculous!
Another cardinal rule of friendship learned from the Church of Rowling? Friends often know exactly what to do to cheer you the hell up. As Finn and Puck got their “good vibrations” on with Mercedes, Kurt could feel the tension lifted. He was never so happy to see Rachel smiling and laughing. He also was never as turned on as when he saw his boyfriend thrusting his hips on to the floor. Damn.
Their funk/rap/whatever number gave Kurt the much-needed reprieve from depression to focus on the task at hand. What would be the best way to get back at Vocal Adrenaline? He briefly considered physical harm, but realized that, while it would be satisfying, when New Directions took Regionals next month, they would win it fair and square, not with their competition hobbling across the stage.
These were the thoughts that were running through his head as he crossed the parking lot afterschool that day. He needed to get home to make dinner for the newly formed Hummel-Hudson clan and raw lasagna wasn’t going to make itself.
He stopped dead in his tracks when, after passing the school buses, he saw the most heartbreaking sight. Rachel Berry was on her knees, covered in egg yolks, sobbing and repeating, “Don’t go, please don’t go. Don’t go, please, please.”
Kurt’s eyes filled with tears as he ran over to the once shining star that was Rachel Berry, “Come on, Rachel, let’s get you cleaned up. That egg isn’t good for your hair.”
She took a second to acknowledge his presence, but finally responded when he touched her shoulder. She turned to him, face red and blotchy, “Why did he do that, Kurt? I thought he loved me. What’s wrong with me? I’ll change, I swear!”
Her earnestness for changing who she was for that asshole was the last straw. The tears that were building in his eyes spilled over and cascaded down his cheeks. Cheerleading uniform be damned, he wrapped her in a tight embrace, vehemently stating, “There is nothing wrong with you, Rachel Berry. Your personality is grating and fashion sense questionable, but you are amazing and talented. Never apologize for that and never change.”
He held her as she sobbed into his chest, pranking instincts finally setting in. Jesse St. James was going to pay.
Because he slept over Rachel’s house, he didn’t get a chance to relay the scene or his new idea to his fellow Marauders, so he sought to do this after Glee. He sat there, listening to Rachel convey the trauma she suffered at the hands of her now ex-boyfriend.
He really should have expected it. He knew that Finn and Puck were more like Sirius Black and James Potter than strictly healthy. They were hotheaded and impulsive, which made them awesome Gryffindors but awful masterminds. As Rachel was speaking, Kurt watched his boyfriend’s face scowl more and more before he, of course, called upon his brothers in arms to go beat up Jesse St. James.
“Finn, Matt, Mike, follow me!” Kurt rolled his eyes, excluded once again.
“Yeah, time for less talking and more punching.”
Oh, this wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. New Directions was finished if this went down and Kurt wasn’t ready to give up his dreams of Regionals. The only way to stop the situation was, ironically, going along with it. He and Artie followed the aforementioned boys to ‘go all Braveheart’ on Vocal Adrenaline.
And once again, Will Schuester flew in to save the day. Kurt almost sighed in relief when he put an end to the half-no, quarter-thought out plan. But he did declare the one thought that has been a constant in his head for the past week, “Rachel is once of us. We’re the only ones that get to humiliate her!” Okay, so that could have come out better, but whatever.
The rest of the club disbanded after Shuc “invited” Vocal Adrenaline to another showdown. Kurt had faith in his teacher to put together a number to scare the Sondheim out of them, but Vocal Adrenaline deserved so much more. And Kurt aimed to please.
“Finn, Noah, hold up!” The jocks turned to him, face questioning.
“First of all, nice job with the whole ‘Braveheart’ thing.” His sarcasm cut through them as they flopped back into chairs. It was becoming a familiar sight: them sitting as Kurt lectured, “Second of all, thanks for including me. That made me feel special.”
“Aw, come on, Princess! We knew you wouldn’t be down for the beatdown!”
Kurt punched his boyfriend’s shoulder. Hard. He felt some satisfaction when he saw the jock wince and clutch his shoulder, “That doesn’t matter, Noah. Friends stick together and include each other. How do you think Artie felt?”
Finn and Puck looked properly chastised. Finn spoke up, “I’ll go apologize to him.”
“You’ll both go apologize.” He fixed Puck with a stare until he nodded, “Also, I have a plan.”
Those four words would never fail to garner the same response from his friends. They sat up in their chairs excitedly, faces shining with anticipation.
The plan was brilliant, obviously. After all, Kurt was a freaking genius. It just involved some begging to his dad and the exploitation of family friends. No big.
“Dad, please. It’s not that illegal and they deserve it. You should have seen Rachel! She was covered in raw egg!”
“Kurt, you’re asking a lot right now. Lennie is a good friend of mine and his business means a lot to him.”
“Dad, he won’t be involved, I swear! Let me talk to him, he’ll listen to me.”
“Fine, give me the phone.” The elder Hummel dialed the phone and brought it up to his ear. After a few seconds, he spoke, “Hey, Lennie! How are you doing? That’s great, here, Kurt wants to ask you something.”
Kurt took the phone, “Hey Uncle Lennie!”
“How are you doing, kiddo? Still on the football team?”
“It’s basketball season, Uncle Lennie. I’ll consider re-joining the team in the fall.”
“If you do, let me know! I want to see you in action.”
“I will. Hey, Uncle Lennie, you were the one to replace the tires for the Carmel High kids, right?”
“You mean the 26 Range Rovers? Yeah that was me, why?”
“I have to ask you a favor.”
“Shoot kiddo.”
“Well, the owners of the cars are the Carmel High glee club. Dad told you how I was in Glee, right, Uncle Lennie?”
“Sure did, kid. Not surprising, though, you have a set of pipes on you.”
“Thanks! Anyway, those kids came into our school and TPed our choir room. Furthermore, their leader pretended to date our female lead. Then, after breaking up with her, he led an attack on her. They threw raw eggs at her, Uncle Lennie!”
“Those sick fucks! What were they thinking, treating a lady like that?”
“Uncle Lennie, we have to get them back. I have an idea. Could you call them up and tell them that you gave them faulty tires that were supposed to be recalled and you need to change them tonight?”
“What do you want to do?”
“Just a little re-wiring with the radios, that’s all!”
“Done.”
Kurt was shocked, “Are you serious?”
“Kurt, son, your dad brought you up to treat women right. Obviously, some people need to learn that lesson. And I am all about the teaching.”
“You rock, Uncle Lennie! We’ll be in Carmel in three hours!”
“I’ll leave the keys to the shop under the traffic cone in the front. After you finish, come over. Andrea will want to see you.”
“Definitely, see you soon!”
“Bye kiddo.”
Handing the phone back to his father, Kurt smiled, “Phase one completed. On to phase two!”
Burt smirked, “Have fun, Kurt. And take Finn and Puck with you. Carol and I could do with some alone time.”
“Ew, Dad! The mental images!”
The next day, New Directions had an absolute blast getting down with their funky sides. Kurt internally laughed at the faces of the Vocal Adrenaline kids, they all looked sick to their stomachs. He joined the rest of his friends in sauntering off the stage and laughed out loud when his boyfriend delivered the parting line, “See you punks at Regionals.”
Backstage, they all jumped and screamed and exchanged high-fives. Mike led them in their chants, “New Directions, what? New Directions, hey! Hey, ho spread the word, Vocal Adrenaline has got to go!”
Kurt beamed as Puck picked him up and twirled him around. He lowered his lips to his boyfriend’s for a kiss that had the rest of the club cheering and catcalling. They only broke apart when Mr. Schue came backstage and laughed, “Enough guys! Keep up your stamina for Regionals!”
Puck smirked, “I’m all about stamina, Mr. Shue, I can go all night long.” Kurt smacked him as the club laughed.
“Fellow glee clubbers, I have to thank you for not blaming me for my poor judgment. I really am sorry.”
Mercedes wrapped Rachel in a hug, “Aw, baby girl, don’t even mention it. We have to stick together.”
Kurt smiled at the two girls’ embrace before clearing his throat, gaining the attention of the club, “Rachel, if I may? Noah, Finn, and I have a present for you and the rest of Glee.” At her quizzical look, he only offered a enigmatic smile, “If you’ll follow me to the parking lot…”
Kurt lead the group of strangely dressed teens and Mr. Schue down the halls and into the parking lot, where they saw the Vocal Adrenaline kids load into their Range Rovers. The club watched in shock as Kurt pulled out a small remote and pushed a button while pointing it in the direction of the cars.
Nothing happened. Rachel said so, “Nothing happened.”
Puck smirked, “Wait for it.”
The kids heard the ignition on the cars turn as the rival club started their cars. Suddenly, Rachel Berry’s voice blared through the otherwise quiet lot.
“DON’T TELL ME NOT TO LIVE, JUST SIT AROUND AND PUTTER!”
Kurt watched in delight as his friends’ jaws dropped. From their position, New Directions could see the drivers frantically press buttons on their radios. It did no good. However, the song did change.
“OH, REMEMBER THOSE WALLS I BUILT, WELL, BABY THEY’RE TUMBLIN’ DOWN.”
Mercedes started and soon all of them were doubled over, laughing and shaking.
“ON MY OWN, PRENTENDING HE’S BESIDE ME.”
Jesse jumped out of his car and stalked over to them, “What the hell is this?”
Kurt strutted over to meet him, “This? This is your worst nightmare. It’s the Rachel Berry channel, all day, every day.”
“Fix. It.”
“Hell. No.” Kurt glared into that pretty face, “You and the rest of your team will have to listen to the voice that is going to bring you down. Because Rachel Berry? She’s ten times the performer you’ll ever be. And that terrifies you, doesn’t it? Knowing that after years of hard work and promises that you’re the best there is someone who is that much better. Face it, Jesse, you’re done.”
Kurt smiled in satisfaction as Jesse stalked back over to his team, now congregated around his car. He called after him, “Also, do you have any idea of how many MySpace videos Rachel has? Three hundred and forty two. At least you have variety!”
Puck yelled, “Now get off our school property, you punks!”
The competition quickly got in their cars and drove off, carrying Rachel’s voice away with them:
I WAS SO LOST BACK THEN, BUT WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS, I SAW THE LIGHT IN THE TUNNEL AT THE END.
Kurt turned to his team and saw a flash of something before he was tackled to ground by Rachel, “Thankyousosomuchyou’rethebestfriendever.”
She planted kisses all over his face before burying her face in his neck, crying and laughing. Kurt rubbed a hand up and down her back, “No problem, Rach. No one messes with our star.”
The club came around them and got on the ground, hugging and laughing and cheering for Kurt. Mr. Schue sang, “For he’s a jolly good fel-low, for he’s a jolly good fel-low.” Soon, the club chimed in, singing and carrying Kurt on their shoulders into the school.
Kurt grinned from his precarious place on Matt and Puck’s shoulders, Mischief managed.