I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good 1/1
Title: I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good
Author: eyesarmslove
Pairing: Puck/Kurt , Puck-Kurt-Finn friendship
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,092
Warnings: Spoilers for the Harry Potter books!
Summary: There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them. So is obsession with Harry Potter.
Author’s Notes: This story assumes a vaguely different start to this week's episode, lol. Umm, but it actually has nothing to do with the episode at all. But there are Spoilers for episodes up to this week's episode! Also, this is dedicated to kirke_novak for being so patient for the help_haiti gift I am still working on...
It started with Harry Potter. The phenomenon, not the actual kid. In case there was any doubt.
Maybe it would be more accurate to say that it started when Kurt invited Carol and Finn to move in with him and his dad. What began as unbridled disaster ended in one of the greatest friendships ever. No, seriously, it did.
It didn’t take long for Kurt’s plan to blow up in his face. Finn, shockingly, did not discover hidden gay tendencies while sharing a bedroom with Kurt, nor did he see past the physical presence of Kurt’s maleness and suddenly fall for the person beneath the penis. No, Finn was not and would never be interested in Kurt that way.
And the most shocking thing of all? Kurt Hummel could not be any happier. Living with Finn opened his eyes a little (a lot). Sure, it destroyed the image of the prince Charming Kurt always thought Finn to be. But it made it a lot easier to handle the fact that Finn would never be interested. No, Kurt decided that being brothers with a nice, if a little slow, boy was much, much better than angstingly sobbing over a non-existing relationship.
And sharing a room with Finn was great. Kurt imposed a two-hour study block, when the two were forced to sit and do homework (a novelty for night-owl Finn) and that brought great changes to Finn’s report card. In turn, Finn set up an hour each day for mindless activities like watching TV or playing video games (who knew Kurt could kick so much ass at Halo?). The boys went to sleep every night discussing anything, from the existence of God to the secret ingredient in yesterday’s Mystery Meat. Kurt never had anyone to talk to before bed and welcomed Finn’s company.
All-in-all, the Hudson-Hummel household was a pretty happy one. Four months into the arrangement, on a pleasant afternoon in May, found Kurt on his bed, laptop in hand. He was lying on his stomach, enthralled with the words on his screen. A set of heavy footsteps coming down his stairs broke his concentration and he turned to admonish Finn on clambering down the stairs again when he stopped.
“Noah, I didn’t expect you today.” Noah Puckerman had become a regular fixture in the house after him and Finn made up and Kurt, surprisingly, had no problem with it. They kept a cordial, if quiet, acquaintance and that lead to a more accepting relationship at school.
The burly teen shrugged in response, “Got bored at home, figured I’d see what Finn was up to. Your dad let me in.”
Kurt sat up on his bed, legs crossed, “Finn went to a doctor’s appointment. He’ll be back in half an hour.”
Puck looked uncomfortable, “I guess I’ll come back later, then.” He turned to make his way back up the stairs before stopping at Kurt’s voice.
“Wait! You don’t have to go back to your house, I mean, if you don’t want to. You can hang out here. You can play Finn’s X-box or whatever.”
Puck looked a little surprised before nodding hesitantly, “Cool.” Kurt rolled his eyes, but gestured to the beanbags on the floor, “Have a seat. I’m going to get some lemonade, want some?”
“Yeah, that’d be great, dude.”
Kurt shook his head at the ‘dude’ before making his way up the stairs. It took him all of five minutes to come down again, two glasses in hand. He stopped, however, at the sight of his once-tormentor casually examining his bookcase.
“I didn’t know you could read.”
“Ha ha, you’re a riot, Hummel.” Kurt smirked as he handed the taller boy his drink, “See anything you like?”
Puck burst into laughter at Kurt’s mock-seductive tone and Kurt soon followed, “Nice one. Also, what the hell am I drinking?”
“Basil-lemonade.”
Puck screwed up his face in some semblance of a smile, “Oh, it’s nice.”
Kurt almost spit out the sip he just took, “Did you just quote House?”
Puck’s eyes widened, “You watch House?”
“We have something in common? Wow, I think Finn’s prayers have finally been answered.”
Puck grinned, “That dolt would pray for his best friend and step-brother-thing to get along.”
“Hey, that’s my step-brother-thing you’re calling a dolt.” They grinned at one another before realizing and sought to distract themselves. Kurt by taking his drink back to bed and reading his laptop and Puck by re-focusing on the shelf. Kurt was engrossed in what he was reading until he heard a small hitch of breath. Startled, he looked up to find a slack-jawed Puck staring at the third shelf from the right.
“What’s wrong, Noah?”
Puck opened his mouth to speak, only to let out a sound that could only be described as a squeak. The countertenor snickered wildly while the jock colored and cleared his throat before attempting to speak again, “Uh, is that, uh, the map?”
Kurt’s eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, “Map? What map are you talking abou-“ It dawned on him suddenly and he leapt off the bed and shoved his body between Puck’s and the book shelf, arms splayed out, “Don’t touch it!”
“Dude-“
“Dude, don’t even think about it. It’s worth more than your life.”
Now it was Puck’s eyebrows’ turn too furrow in confusion, “What are you talking about? That could not be worth more than twenty dol-“ He gasped in realization. Noah Puckerman legitimately gasped in front of him and if he wasn’t so preoccupied with being terrified, Kurt might have savored the sound more. “Is that-“ he swallowed to try and moisturize his now dry throat in vain, “-is that the one from the movie?”
Kurt’s breath exhaled in a rush of almost intangible words, “I love the books and the movie came out and I watched all of them and then she made an auction for charity and I wasn’t going to bid on anything but then I saw the Map and it’s the Map and I asked my dad and he said no but then I worked in the garage forever and he said yes and now it’s mine and you can’t touch it.”
Puck’s head was spinning and he didn’t know if it was from trying to follow that massive run-on sentence or the fact that he was in the presence of that kind of memorabilia.
“Hummel, dude, that’s the Marauder’s Map. Do you have any idea of how cool this is?”
Kurt’s face took on an affronted look, “Of course I do, Noah! Not only is Harry Potter the best series ever, the Marauders are the best part of it!”
Puck’s surprise was etched on his face, “You like the Marauders?”
“I’m not the type of person to swear, Noah, but I’ll make an exception just this once. Here it goes. Fuck yeah, I like the Marauders.”
Puck’s face split into the largest grin Kurt has ever seen on the boy (or possibly anyone ever), “Hummel, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”
Finn got out of his car, clutching his sore arm. Damn it, what was so bad about hepatitis that it made it necessary to get that stupid shot anyway? His mood was only elevated slightly when he saw his best friend’s truck in the driveway. Maybe Puck would be up for some Halo.
Finn walked into the kitchen, eyes peeled for Puck. Instead, he found Burt reading the newspaper at the table, “Hey Burt.”
“Oh, hey Finn. How was the doctor?”
“Painful. Have you seen Puck anywhere?”
“Mohawk? Yeah, he’s downstairs with Kurt.”
Finn’s eyes widened, “A-alone? He and Kurt are alone?”
Burt looked unfazed, “Yeah. So?”
“There hasn’t been any screaming, has there?”
Burt grinned, “Just go down to see for yourself. They’re good boys, I’m sure they’re fine.”
Finn muttered “Famous last words” as he made his way down the stairs, expecting bloodstains to mar the pure white of Kurt’s interior design scheme.
Which is why he was baffled to find Kurt and Puck sitting cross-legged on Kurt’s bed, facing each other and gesticulating wildly.
“Come on, Hummel! Answer the question, what would your boggart be?”
Kurt replied with a long-suffering sigh, “Noah, I’m not going to tell that to someone who refuses to call me by my given name!”
Finn was confused; boggart? “Are you guys talking about Harry Potter?”
The two boys jumped, Kurt more so than Puck, “Jesus, dude, don’t sneak up on us like that.”
“Noah, aren’t you Jewish?”
“Come on, Hummel, ever heard of Jews for Jesus?”
Kurt snorted, “No, no, can’t say that I have.”
“Well, you learn something new everyday.”
“Tell me about it. Noah Puckerman can read. Never thought I’d learn that particular lesson.”
Finn watched, shocked, as Puck playfully punched Kurt in the shoulder and the two shared a laugh.
“What the hell is going on?”
“This jerk won’t tell me what his boggart would be.”
“Oh, I’m the jerk now. How about you, Mr. King of the Dumpster?”
“Come on, Hum-Kurt, you’ll always be King of the Dumpster.” Finn laughed as Kurt used the pillow he was laying on to smack Puck in the face.
Finn shook his head, Well, if you can’t beat them, join them. “Puck, you should tell Kurt your boggart first.”
The two boys stared at him incredulously, but made room for him on the bed as he made his way over. Kurt vaguely wondered if his queen-sized bed was enough to hold all three of them, but shrugged it off. The next random thought that popped into his head was that this was definitely not what he had in mind when he previously thought about Finn Hudson and Noah Puckerman in his bed. Oh, well. C’est le vie.
“What? Hell no.”
Kurt rolled his eyes, “How do you expect me to trust you when you obviously don’t trust me?”
Puck looked chastised, “It’s not like that, Hu-Kurt. It’s just, I d-“
Kurt cut him off, “Noah, it’s alright. This might be a little too personal for a first real conversation between two people. Forget it. One day, we’ll share.”
Finn smiled at the evidence that the two could get along. “Well, I trust the two of you completely.” Kurt’s smile nearly blinded him, but he charged on, “My boggart would definitely be a clown.”
“Seriously?” Kurt was incredulous as Puck cracked up next to him, “Oh yeah. Remember the time at Davey Fendli’s eighth birthday party?”
“YesIrememberthetimeatDaveyFendli’seighthbirthdayparty. What did you think made me scared of clowns?”
Kurt was happy to witness a moment in the epic Finn-Puck friendship, “What happened at Davey Fendli’s eighth birthday party? And why wasn’t I invited?”
Puck and Finn shared a sobered look, “Uh, Kurt, that was only a few weeks after-“
Kurt couldn’t believe he forgot, “Oh, yeah. My mom died, sorry.”
Puck was desperate to return to the jovial mood, “It’s a really, really good thing that you weren’t there.”
Kurt smiled in anticipated glee, “Why? What happened?”
Puck and Finn chuckled, “Well, Finn here was learning how to make balloon animals from BoBo when the entirety of the Lima Police Department ran through the door and arrested BoBo.”
“Omigod, why?”
“BoBo had a affinity for BoBo-ing little boys.”
Kurt clapped both hands over his mouth. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. Okay, it wasn’t supposed to be funny. That really didn’t stop Kurt from hysterically laughing and falling off of the bed. Puck and Finn roared with laughter as they watched the normally composed countertenor roll around the floor, clutching his stomach.
It took a couple of minutes, but Kurt finally made it back on the bed, crawling up to his spot facing Puck and Finn. He ran a hand to his hair before calmly stating, “Then you’re really not afraid of clowns so much as gay child molesters.”
It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. But that didn’t stop them from cracking up again.
“Kurt?” His father’s voice traveled down the stairs and interrupted their conversation, “What do you boys want for dinner? I’m ordering in.”
Kurt was confused, “Dinner? Dad, it’s only-“ Checking the clock on his beside table, Kurt gasped, “Six-thirty? Merlin, did we really just talk about Harry Potter for five hours?”
Burt was ever the helpful father, “Yes, you really did spend five hours talking. Like a bunch of women.” Kurt heard the teasing tone in his father’s voice and hoped the other two boys did as well.
They did, “Hey! Hey! We’re talking about man’s stuff here!”
Puck chimed in, “You’re just jealous that you’re old and have no friends to talk to you.” He waggled his eyebrows at Kurt as the smaller boy choked on laughter.
“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. We’ll see if you get anything to eat tonight, Puckerman.”
“Aw, Dad! If you just wanted to spend some time with us, you just had to ask,” Kurt smiled devilishly at the other two occupants of his bed as they laughed along.
“Like I said, laugh it up,” Kurt could tell his dad was pleased.
“Give Burt a break, boys,” Carol’s voice was teasing as well, “It’s hard to know that three of his best guys don’t want to hang out with him.”
Puck, Kurt, and Finn cracked up as Burt complained, “Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I am on your side, honey.”
“Yeah, yeah. Hey, keep laughing. Here’s a fact for you. At least I have a girlfriend.”
That made Puck and Finn shut up rather quickly. Kurt was not down for the count, “Ew, girls. No offense, Carol. I’m sure breasts are lovely.”
Puck fell off the bed this time. Finn, not as amused, “Dude, that’s my mom.” But he was smiling anyway.
Burt sighed, “I come to ask about food and we end up talking about breasts.”
Kurt huffed, “You are talking with three teenaged guys, Dad.”
“You were never this cheeky as a child. You were so cute. What happened? Where did I go wrong?”
Kurt’s jaw dropped as Finn joined Puck on the floor. His voice took on a higher octave, “I am still cute!”
Burt’s laughter floated down the stairs, “Of course you are, son. Now, seriously, Chinese or pizza?”
“Chinese!” came the chorus of three boys. Kurt followed up with, “And don’t forget the low sodium soy-sauce! You might want to die at the age of forty, but I don’t!”
Carol’s confused voice came down the stairs, “Wait, isn’t Burt forty-three?”
“I promised to stop counting at forty. So now he is forty plus plus plus.”
Carol cracked up, “Oh, I like you Kurt. I like you a lot.”
Kurt beamed at the direction of the stairs, “I like you, too!”
Puck and Finn got back on the bed, “You can’t believe we talked about Harry Potter for five hours? I can’t believe we had an entire conversation with a set of stairs.”
Finn shook his head, “I can’t believe you would rather do Ginny Weasley than Hermione.”
Puck smirked, “I wouldn’t expect you to understand, Hudson.”
“Why, are red-heads better at sex or something?”
Kurt snorted, “Sorry. I just had the image of Ron Weasley in bed and couldn’t help but laugh. Continue.”
Puck grinned, “Harry more your type, Kurt?”
“Ew, no. Malfoy is where it’s at. Anyway, explain to our friend why he is hopelessly in love with Hermione.”
“You know too?”
“Finn, I love you, but you can be an idiot sometimes.”
“Hey!”
“Hey, yourself. Hermione reminds you of anyone we know? Annoying, loud-“
“Awful dress sense, constant lecturing-“
“Bossy-“
“Unfortunately endearing.”
Finn’s understanding dawned on his face, “Oh, Rachel is Hermione!”
“Welcome to the end of the thought process.”
“Noah, stop quoting House. Until you’re as hot as he is, you have no claim to his words.”
“Shut up, I’m as hot as House is.”
“No one is as hot as Hugh Laurie is.”
“Guys, can we take a second to talk about how I am totally Ron Weasley and that means me and Rachel will totally get together.”
Puck and Kurt shared a look, “Well, you do have the emotional range of a teaspoon.”
Puck high-fived Kurt, “Yes. Well done, Noah.”
Puck looked thoughtful, “Okay, we can all agree that the Marauders are the best part of the series, right?” At the enthusiastic nods he received, he moved on, “Well then, why the fuck did all of them have to die?”
Kurt jumped up on the bed, “Thank you! Seriously, JK Rowling, was it so necessary to kill off Moony and Padfoot?”
Finn sighed, “Okay, not gonna lie, I cried when Sirius died and then again when Remus died.”
He looked warily at his best friend. Puck didn’t take crying dudes so well. He was shocked when Puck raised an eyebrow, “What? I did too. It’s no big deal.”
Kurt’s jaw dropped open, “You cried?”
“Oh, and you didn’t?”
“Are you kidding? I sobbed. I hate her for killing Sirius with that stupid veil. And I hate her even more for devoting a sentence to Remus’ death. Actually, I didn’t catch it the first time. I had to go back and re-read that paragraph.”
Their diatribe was interrupted by the arrival of the food and Burt’s call for their attendance at the dinner table.
Finn, who was leading the parade of teenagers up the stairs, remarked wistfully, “You know, I wish sometimes that we could just re-write parts of the books.”
Kurt, who was behind him, smirked, “Finn, remind me to introduce you to the world of fanfiction after dinner.”
Puck and Finn said in unison, “What the hell is fanfiction?”
Dinner was an uneventful affair. The conversation included everything from Glee to cars to Puck and Finn’s epic childhood. Kurt couldn’t remember laughing so hard in one day. Halfway through, the kitchen radio, which was playing softly in the background, was blasted as the familiar chords of ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ came on.
Finn jumped up to blast the volume, “Dude, it’s Journey.” He grabbed a wooden spoon off of the counter and used it as a makeshift mic, “Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, she took a midnight train going anywhere”
Kurt never missed a chance to perform. He grabbed a chopstick and joined Finn behind the counter, “Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit, he took the midnight train going anywhere”
Kurt handed Puck another chopstick as the tall boy made his way over to the twosome, “A singer in a smoky room, the smell of wine and cheap perfume, for a smile they can share the night, it goes on and on and on and on!”
The three came together for the chorus, singing so loudly, Burt feared for the glassware, “STRANGERS, WAITING, UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD, THEIR SHADOWS SEARCHING IN THE NIGHTS. STREETLIGHT PEOPLE, LIVING JUST TO FIND EMOTION, HIDING SOMEWHERE IN THE NIIIIIGHT!”
They continued, playing air guitar and posing as they sang at the top of their lungs, prancing around the Hummel kitchen. They ended on a triumphant note, fists in the air, “DON’T STOP!” They let their heads drop, just like in Glee, and raised them to the sounds of Burt and Carol’s applause.
“Finn, honey, you boys sound so good! Is that one of the songs you’ll be singing at Regionals?”
Kurt choked out a sob, “No, because it was stolen by these deaf kids!”
There really were no more words.
The three boys went back down to Kurt and Finn’s room after dinner, full of food and laughter, “Did you see your dad’s face when you hit that note?”
“Yes. Yes, I did, Noah. He shouldn’t be surprised, my range is extensive.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think he thought you could go so low.”
“That’s what she said!”
“Finn, that really wasn’t applicable. Now if Noah said ‘go so deep’, it would be a different story.”
Puck threw himself onto Kurt’s bed, “Dude, I don’t know about you, but all this talk of Harry Potter is making me want to read them again.”
Kurt smiled, “Me too. Especially the third one.”
Finn went over to his desk, “I don’t know about you losers, but I’m going to read the fourth one right now.” He pulled out the tome and sat in a beanbag chair, “You two do whatever.”
Kurt and Puck exchanged glances before running over to Kurt’s bookshelf, “No, no! You Neanderthal! That’s mine!” Kurt jumped and tried to get the book that Puck held out of his reach, “I called it!”
“No, you said that you wanted to read it. I do too, so suck it.”
“As if you have anything to suck, Puckerman.”
Finn laughed, “Ooooooh, burned, Puck!”
“Shut up, you big tree. Hummel, I got it first, fair and square. Go read the fifth or something.”
“But I don’t want to read Harry being so angsty!”
Finn cut them off, “Are you two seriously arguing over a book?”
Kurt glared, “We just established how awesome this series is. It is not just a book.”
“Sorry, sorry. I meant to say, ‘You guys are fighting over a book that we definitely have two copies of?’”
Finn went over to his desk and pulled out his copy, “As if I didn’t have my own set.” He tossed the paperback to the grinning Kurt. “Thank you, Finn!”
And that is how they spent the majority of their evening. They each inhabited a corner of the room (Kurt on his bed, Puck on Finn’s bed, and Finn on the beanbag) and just read. Well, not just read. Finn cracked up every fifth page and Kurt had a habit of reading out loud lines that he absolutely loved (“I love this one: ‘Noble men, working tirelessly to help a new generation of lawbreakers’. I love Fred!”)
Sometime around eleven, Carol came down to the sight of three boys reading, “That’s why it’s been so quiet down here? We thought you died.”
“Mom, you thought we died and took all this time to come down to check. Wow, you fail as a mom. Mrs. Weasley would have done much better.” Kurt chuckled as Carol slapped the back of Finn’s head playfully.
“Molly Weasley had at least one girl to keep her sane. What do I have?”
Puck snickered, “Well, you have Kurt now. That’s almost as good.” Finn admired Kurt’s throwing arm as he hurled a comb from his bedside table at Puck’s head.
“Ow, Jesus, Hummel, you didn’t tell me you would’ve been a Chaser.”
“You learn something new everyday, Noah.”
Carol left them as they started their Quidditch debate, “I would obviously be a Beater, have you seen these guns?”
It was two in the morning when Kurt finally put down his book, “My eyes hurt. I’m going to take a break.”
Finn and Puck put down their books, too, “Yeah, I’m actually kind of hungry again.”
“That’s no surprise, Finn. You eat a cow’s worth of food everyday.”
“Do you think there’s any leftover Chinese?”
Kurt made his way up the stairs, “Yeah, but I get dibs on the sesame chicken.”
Puck and Finn followed and all three took quiet steps, mindful of the sleeping adults above them. As they sat around the kitchen table, eating microwaved Chinese, Kurt confessed, “I’ve always wanted guy friends so that I could be like the Marauders.”
Puck eyed him, “Well, now you’ve got them, what’s stopping you?”
Kurt was shocked, “Are you serious?”
“Hummel, you like the Marauders, you make fun of Finnessa over here, you own the actual Marauders’ Map. I’ve made friendships on a lot less.”
Kurt was touched, “You’re not so bad yourself.”
Finn interjected, “No, seriously, we have the group right here!” At the other two’s puzzled faces he clarified, “Puck, you’re obviously Sirius.”
Puck preened as Kurt’s eyes widened, “Oh my God. Finn, you’re right! A womanizing jackass with bullying tendencies, that’s Padfoot.”
“Are you actually insulting Sirius Black?”
“Oh, shut up Noah, you know it’s true. Sirius was a bastard who was reined in by-“
“Remus Lupin,” Finn finished, pointing at Kurt.
The countertenor’s eyes widened comically, “Me?” he breathed, pointing to himself, “As Moony?”
“Finn’s got a point, Kurt. Moony was the smart one with a secret that society didn’t accept him for.”
“Did you just compare lycanthropy to homosexuality?”
“What? You mean gays don’t turn into furry monsters every full moon?” Kurt slapped his arm, “Ow! Joke, Hummel, joke. We’re the fucking pranking kings, jokes are a large part of it.”
Kurt rolled his eyes, “We are not the Marauders.”
Finn begged to disagree, “Yes we are. You’re Moony, Puck is Padfoot, and I’m Prongs!”
Kurt and Puck looked at each other, before bursting into laughter, “Finn, sweetie, you are not James Potter.”
Finn’s face fell, “Yeah I am. James was captain of his Quidditch team and a Chaser. I’m quarterback and captain of the football team! And James was a natural leader and I’m-“
“Not. Dude, every time Berry calls on you to lead Glee, you wimp out.”
“Noah, be nice!”
Finn looked down on his plate, “No, he’s right, I’m no James Potter.” He looked so dejected, Puck actually felt bad. Kurt glared at him.
“Finn, dude, I was just being a douche. You’re right. If there was a Prongs of our school, you’re him.”
Finn smiled that dopey smile, “Really?”
Kurt snorted, “Yeah. As much of a douche James was, he had his heart in the right place and so do you, Finn.”
“See? It’s decided, we have the Marauders right here.”
“So, we’re the Marauders? So what? It’s not like we actually pull any cool pranks or anything.”
Kurt’s eyes lit up, “Just because we haven’t doesn’t mean we can’t.”
Puck looked at him, “Are you serious? Says the kid who was tossed in the dumpster and slushied every day for a year.”
“I’m not talking about stupid bullying, I’m talking about legitimate pranks.”
Finn looked thoughtful (as much as he possibly could), “What would we do?”
Kurt looked manic at this point, “Put Sue Sylvester’s car in the school gym.”
Puck inhaled a piece of pork, “Are you insane? You want to prank Sue Sylvester?”
“Dude, she’s the Antichrist. She’ll kill us.”
Kurt looked at them, “And you call yourself Marauders. That’s pathetic. You think James or Sirius would back down from Sue? Come on, this is Moony talking. I think we can do it and get away with it. It’s perfect for establishing ourselves as Pranking Masters of the school.”
Finn turned to Puck, “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“We could die. But I’m willing to take that risk. Let’s do this.”
So, at 2:47 AM on Sunday, May 2nd, 2010, the Marauders were reborn.
Finn sat in choir room second period that Monday, leg bouncing with excitement and fear. Glee was meeting that period because everyone had free and Schue didn’t teach. Regionals was only three weeks away, after all.
He could hardly believe it. Puck, Kurt, and him came to school at six that morning. Kurt knew there was early Cheerios practice that day and Sue would definitely be there, so they set their plan in action. One thing Puck and Finn learned that day was Kurt Hummel was a fucking genius. He knew exactly how to break into Sue’s Audi and after that, Puck hotwired the car and drove it into the service entrance of the school. From there, the three pushed the car into the gymnasium after putting it into neutral. Finn did not know how the did it without any witnesses, but they did.
Now he was waiting for news to reach the rest of the school. He swallowed his smile as Mercedes, Artie, Quinn, and Rachel walked into the room whispering excitedly. Before he could make his way over to them, Puck, Kurt, Mike, and Matt walked in with Mr. Schue right afterward.
Mr. Schue sat on the piano bench with a heavy sigh, “What is the world coming to?”
Kurt looked at the choir teacher with a small grin, “What’s wrong, Mr. Schue?”
Mercedes turned to him, “You don’t know?”
Kurt shook his head, “I spent all of first period washing orange slushie out of my hair, what’s up?”
Mercedes and Rachel tittered excitedly, before Rachel blurted out, “Someone put Coach Sylvester’s car in the gym!”
Kurt, and most of the club who had not heard, gasped, “Are you serious?”
Mr. Schue pinched the bridge of his nose, “Yes. And the only clue they left is useless.”
Finn looked quizzical, “Why? What is it?”
Quinn smiled, “The windshield was tagged with lipstick that said, ‘Have fun driving people crazy now! Love, the Marauders.’”
Puck, Mike, and Matt cracked up as Santana smirked, “The only clue is a Harry Potter reference. Nice. It’s not like there are that many people who read those books.” Kurt admired her sarcasm; it was almost at par with his.
Kurt, Puck, and Finn traded triumphant looks: The Marauders were here to stay.
Sue’s car wasn’t the last prank. For the remaining eight weeks of school, McKinley students knew to expect something from the mysterious Marauders. Everyday, there was something that went wrong. The swim team emerged one day from the pool to realize that the water was doctored with blue dye. Jacob Ben-Israel was knocked out one day, only to emerge from a janitor’s closet with a rainbow fro. The teachers’ lounge was wired to play GaGa all day, every day for a week.
The school was hit and it was hit hard. Puck, Kurt, and Finn could not be prouder.
The pranks were not the only things they did as a group. They continued their now weekly tradition of doing all things Potter on Saturdays. One weekend, they made all Potter-style foods, like blood pudding and Cauldron Cakes and butterbeer. They might have gotten slightly addicted to that last one, prompting Kurt to bring in a Thermos-full every Monday for lunch. Another weekend was spent at Ohio State, watching their Qudditch match against Kenyon College. It was intense for Muggle Quidditch.
By far, Kurt’s favorite activity was listening to truly awful Wizarding Rock in his basement while Puck and Finn whittled wands out of wood. Kurt was going to make his own until he complained too much about the splinters. Now, Puck was making two wands and Kurt was reading on his laptop, occasionally contributing to the conversation Finn and Puck had going about the merits of Charms over Potions.
“Moony?” Another thing. While they were on their Potter adventures, they took to calling each other by their Marauder counterparts. Finn said it added to the experience, “Moony? Moons? Kurt!”
The countertenor jerked up to look at Puck, “Wha-oh, sorry Pads. What’s up?”
“You’ve been on that thing for three hours. What the hell are you reading?”
Kurt blushed darkly and Finn and Puck exchanged smirks, clearly interested, “Oh, it’s nothing, really. Just, uh, fashion blogs!”
Puck smirked more, “Yeah, right. Try again Moony.”
Kurt sighed, “Alright, alright. But if you make fun of me for it, I have more than enough proof to show Schue that it was the two of you that switched his Lubriderm for paste!”
“What? That was you.”
“Prongs, when will you realize that I’m the smartest one and therefore will never get caught?”
“Alright, stop stalling! What are you reading?”
“Remember how I mentioned fanfiction once?”
Puck and Finn looked confused, “Well, I did. You see, fanfiction is fiction that takes pre-existing characters from “fandoms” like a TV show or book and writing different plots with them.”
“I don’t get it.”
Kurt sighed, “Okay. Finn, remember how you said you wished you could re-write the books so that Moony and Padfoot didn’t die?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, if you did, that would be fanfiction. People take all these situations and put Harry Potter characters in them. Or some people write scenes that they knew happened but were never written in the books. Or-“
“So, there are stories about the Marauders?”
Kurt nodded, “Oh, yeah. There are about a million stories about the Marauders’ times at Hogwarts. Some are humor, some are angst-y, some are romance-“
“Woah! I want to read!”
“Finn, you have to be careful. Some people have been scarred by fanfiction. I once read a Dumbledore/Harry romance fanfic by accident and I couldn’t stop the nausea for weeks.”
“EW!”
“Oh, that is so nasty. Hummel, how do we make sure we don’t read that shit?”
Kurt smiled, “If you’re serious about this, let me know what you want to read and finish my wand while I put together a list of links.”
Finn wanted to read stories of how James won over Lily, preferably funny ones. Puck wanted to read friendship fics between the Marauders with pranks. Kurt got to work.
About half an hour later, Kurt coughed, “Uh, Pads?”
“Yeah, Moony?”
“Um, the best and funniest Marauder prank fic is called ‘The Shoebox Project’.”
“Yeah, so? Sounds good to me.”
“It’s, uh, it’s slash.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
Kurt colored, “Um, slash is when two guys are gay for each other.”
Puck and Finn dropped their wands, “What?”
Kurt glared, “Come on. You have to see the potential for gay characters in the series? All those guys and only Dumbledore is gay? Please. Don’t be so naïve.”
Finn was disbelieving, “Who was gay? I mean, in the story.”
“Sirius and Remus.”
The two other boys looked each other and took a moment to let it sink in. After a couple of beats, they shrugged in unison, “Alright. I guess I could see that.”
“Yeah, Moony, add that story to my list.” Kurt breathed a sigh of relief before turning back to his list.
Puck and Finn spent the entire weekend glued to their laptops. They were quickly becoming addicted to this strange new world.
Kurt was at his locker, changing his books, when he was accosted by Noah Puckerman’s voice close to his ear, “Are you a slasher, Moony?”
Kurt was startled, “W-what?”
“I’ve been doing a little research. Are you a slasher? Do you read smut? Or fluff? Angst? Do you go on LJ? Are you part of any comms?”
“You have been doing a little research. I’m impressed. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you my preferences. That’s like me asking you what kind of porn you get off on.”
“Bullshit, that’s not like anything. It is asking you what you get off on. You’re a guy. You definitely read the smut.”
Kurt blushed deeply, “If you know, then why bother asking?”
“Just wondering if you ship Sirius/Remus.”
Kurt almost smiled, “Yes, yes I do.”
Puck smirked, “Do you ship Moony/Padfoot?”
Kurt was confused, “I just said-“
Puck cut him off, “No. Do you ship Moony-“ he placed a finger on Kurt’s chest, “and Padfoot?” He then pointed at himself. Kurt’s mouth went dry.
“I-I never really thought about it.”
“Because I do. I totally do.” And then lips crashed down on Kurt’s and it was messy and sloppy and perfect and Kurt’s head was spinning and knees weakening and he wrapped his arms around Puck’s neck and that made it so much better.
Puck pulled back, “So, what do you say Moony? Want to go for a ride on my enchanted motorbike?”
Kurt laughed, “Wolves mate for life, Pads. Please be serious about this.”
His eyebrows waggled, “Serious or Sirius?”
Kurt’s eyes implored him to be direct, “Moony, Kurt. I’m kinda falling in love with one of my best friends. I’m being serious. And being Sirius. Because that is the only way I can be.”
Kurt threw himself at the large boy, “I’m kinda falling in love with you too.”
Puck wrapped his arms around the boy, “Let’s go tell Prongs and then let’s get some butterbeer. I’m thirsty.”
Kurt held his hand as they moved down the hallway together, “So, I had this idea for a prank against the football team. We can rig the dumpster to be haunted with the ghosts of nerds past and…”
As the two Harry Potter fans walked down the hallway together, hand in hand, they knew that their love was as epic as James and Lily’s or Ron and Hermione’s. Because there really isn’t anything as special as kinda falling in love with your best friend.
Author: eyesarmslove
Pairing: Puck/Kurt , Puck-Kurt-Finn friendship
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,092
Warnings: Spoilers for the Harry Potter books!
Summary: There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them. So is obsession with Harry Potter.
Author’s Notes: This story assumes a vaguely different start to this week's episode, lol. Umm, but it actually has nothing to do with the episode at all. But there are Spoilers for episodes up to this week's episode! Also, this is dedicated to kirke_novak for being so patient for the help_haiti gift I am still working on...
It started with Harry Potter. The phenomenon, not the actual kid. In case there was any doubt.
Maybe it would be more accurate to say that it started when Kurt invited Carol and Finn to move in with him and his dad. What began as unbridled disaster ended in one of the greatest friendships ever. No, seriously, it did.
It didn’t take long for Kurt’s plan to blow up in his face. Finn, shockingly, did not discover hidden gay tendencies while sharing a bedroom with Kurt, nor did he see past the physical presence of Kurt’s maleness and suddenly fall for the person beneath the penis. No, Finn was not and would never be interested in Kurt that way.
And the most shocking thing of all? Kurt Hummel could not be any happier. Living with Finn opened his eyes a little (a lot). Sure, it destroyed the image of the prince Charming Kurt always thought Finn to be. But it made it a lot easier to handle the fact that Finn would never be interested. No, Kurt decided that being brothers with a nice, if a little slow, boy was much, much better than angstingly sobbing over a non-existing relationship.
And sharing a room with Finn was great. Kurt imposed a two-hour study block, when the two were forced to sit and do homework (a novelty for night-owl Finn) and that brought great changes to Finn’s report card. In turn, Finn set up an hour each day for mindless activities like watching TV or playing video games (who knew Kurt could kick so much ass at Halo?). The boys went to sleep every night discussing anything, from the existence of God to the secret ingredient in yesterday’s Mystery Meat. Kurt never had anyone to talk to before bed and welcomed Finn’s company.
All-in-all, the Hudson-Hummel household was a pretty happy one. Four months into the arrangement, on a pleasant afternoon in May, found Kurt on his bed, laptop in hand. He was lying on his stomach, enthralled with the words on his screen. A set of heavy footsteps coming down his stairs broke his concentration and he turned to admonish Finn on clambering down the stairs again when he stopped.
“Noah, I didn’t expect you today.” Noah Puckerman had become a regular fixture in the house after him and Finn made up and Kurt, surprisingly, had no problem with it. They kept a cordial, if quiet, acquaintance and that lead to a more accepting relationship at school.
The burly teen shrugged in response, “Got bored at home, figured I’d see what Finn was up to. Your dad let me in.”
Kurt sat up on his bed, legs crossed, “Finn went to a doctor’s appointment. He’ll be back in half an hour.”
Puck looked uncomfortable, “I guess I’ll come back later, then.” He turned to make his way back up the stairs before stopping at Kurt’s voice.
“Wait! You don’t have to go back to your house, I mean, if you don’t want to. You can hang out here. You can play Finn’s X-box or whatever.”
Puck looked a little surprised before nodding hesitantly, “Cool.” Kurt rolled his eyes, but gestured to the beanbags on the floor, “Have a seat. I’m going to get some lemonade, want some?”
“Yeah, that’d be great, dude.”
Kurt shook his head at the ‘dude’ before making his way up the stairs. It took him all of five minutes to come down again, two glasses in hand. He stopped, however, at the sight of his once-tormentor casually examining his bookcase.
“I didn’t know you could read.”
“Ha ha, you’re a riot, Hummel.” Kurt smirked as he handed the taller boy his drink, “See anything you like?”
Puck burst into laughter at Kurt’s mock-seductive tone and Kurt soon followed, “Nice one. Also, what the hell am I drinking?”
“Basil-lemonade.”
Puck screwed up his face in some semblance of a smile, “Oh, it’s nice.”
Kurt almost spit out the sip he just took, “Did you just quote House?”
Puck’s eyes widened, “You watch House?”
“We have something in common? Wow, I think Finn’s prayers have finally been answered.”
Puck grinned, “That dolt would pray for his best friend and step-brother-thing to get along.”
“Hey, that’s my step-brother-thing you’re calling a dolt.” They grinned at one another before realizing and sought to distract themselves. Kurt by taking his drink back to bed and reading his laptop and Puck by re-focusing on the shelf. Kurt was engrossed in what he was reading until he heard a small hitch of breath. Startled, he looked up to find a slack-jawed Puck staring at the third shelf from the right.
“What’s wrong, Noah?”
Puck opened his mouth to speak, only to let out a sound that could only be described as a squeak. The countertenor snickered wildly while the jock colored and cleared his throat before attempting to speak again, “Uh, is that, uh, the map?”
Kurt’s eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, “Map? What map are you talking abou-“ It dawned on him suddenly and he leapt off the bed and shoved his body between Puck’s and the book shelf, arms splayed out, “Don’t touch it!”
“Dude-“
“Dude, don’t even think about it. It’s worth more than your life.”
Now it was Puck’s eyebrows’ turn too furrow in confusion, “What are you talking about? That could not be worth more than twenty dol-“ He gasped in realization. Noah Puckerman legitimately gasped in front of him and if he wasn’t so preoccupied with being terrified, Kurt might have savored the sound more. “Is that-“ he swallowed to try and moisturize his now dry throat in vain, “-is that the one from the movie?”
Kurt’s breath exhaled in a rush of almost intangible words, “I love the books and the movie came out and I watched all of them and then she made an auction for charity and I wasn’t going to bid on anything but then I saw the Map and it’s the Map and I asked my dad and he said no but then I worked in the garage forever and he said yes and now it’s mine and you can’t touch it.”
Puck’s head was spinning and he didn’t know if it was from trying to follow that massive run-on sentence or the fact that he was in the presence of that kind of memorabilia.
“Hummel, dude, that’s the Marauder’s Map. Do you have any idea of how cool this is?”
Kurt’s face took on an affronted look, “Of course I do, Noah! Not only is Harry Potter the best series ever, the Marauders are the best part of it!”
Puck’s surprise was etched on his face, “You like the Marauders?”
“I’m not the type of person to swear, Noah, but I’ll make an exception just this once. Here it goes. Fuck yeah, I like the Marauders.”
Puck’s face split into the largest grin Kurt has ever seen on the boy (or possibly anyone ever), “Hummel, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”
Finn got out of his car, clutching his sore arm. Damn it, what was so bad about hepatitis that it made it necessary to get that stupid shot anyway? His mood was only elevated slightly when he saw his best friend’s truck in the driveway. Maybe Puck would be up for some Halo.
Finn walked into the kitchen, eyes peeled for Puck. Instead, he found Burt reading the newspaper at the table, “Hey Burt.”
“Oh, hey Finn. How was the doctor?”
“Painful. Have you seen Puck anywhere?”
“Mohawk? Yeah, he’s downstairs with Kurt.”
Finn’s eyes widened, “A-alone? He and Kurt are alone?”
Burt looked unfazed, “Yeah. So?”
“There hasn’t been any screaming, has there?”
Burt grinned, “Just go down to see for yourself. They’re good boys, I’m sure they’re fine.”
Finn muttered “Famous last words” as he made his way down the stairs, expecting bloodstains to mar the pure white of Kurt’s interior design scheme.
Which is why he was baffled to find Kurt and Puck sitting cross-legged on Kurt’s bed, facing each other and gesticulating wildly.
“Come on, Hummel! Answer the question, what would your boggart be?”
Kurt replied with a long-suffering sigh, “Noah, I’m not going to tell that to someone who refuses to call me by my given name!”
Finn was confused; boggart? “Are you guys talking about Harry Potter?”
The two boys jumped, Kurt more so than Puck, “Jesus, dude, don’t sneak up on us like that.”
“Noah, aren’t you Jewish?”
“Come on, Hummel, ever heard of Jews for Jesus?”
Kurt snorted, “No, no, can’t say that I have.”
“Well, you learn something new everyday.”
“Tell me about it. Noah Puckerman can read. Never thought I’d learn that particular lesson.”
Finn watched, shocked, as Puck playfully punched Kurt in the shoulder and the two shared a laugh.
“What the hell is going on?”
“This jerk won’t tell me what his boggart would be.”
“Oh, I’m the jerk now. How about you, Mr. King of the Dumpster?”
“Come on, Hum-Kurt, you’ll always be King of the Dumpster.” Finn laughed as Kurt used the pillow he was laying on to smack Puck in the face.
Finn shook his head, Well, if you can’t beat them, join them. “Puck, you should tell Kurt your boggart first.”
The two boys stared at him incredulously, but made room for him on the bed as he made his way over. Kurt vaguely wondered if his queen-sized bed was enough to hold all three of them, but shrugged it off. The next random thought that popped into his head was that this was definitely not what he had in mind when he previously thought about Finn Hudson and Noah Puckerman in his bed. Oh, well. C’est le vie.
“What? Hell no.”
Kurt rolled his eyes, “How do you expect me to trust you when you obviously don’t trust me?”
Puck looked chastised, “It’s not like that, Hu-Kurt. It’s just, I d-“
Kurt cut him off, “Noah, it’s alright. This might be a little too personal for a first real conversation between two people. Forget it. One day, we’ll share.”
Finn smiled at the evidence that the two could get along. “Well, I trust the two of you completely.” Kurt’s smile nearly blinded him, but he charged on, “My boggart would definitely be a clown.”
“Seriously?” Kurt was incredulous as Puck cracked up next to him, “Oh yeah. Remember the time at Davey Fendli’s eighth birthday party?”
“YesIrememberthetimeatDaveyFendli’seighthbirthdayparty. What did you think made me scared of clowns?”
Kurt was happy to witness a moment in the epic Finn-Puck friendship, “What happened at Davey Fendli’s eighth birthday party? And why wasn’t I invited?”
Puck and Finn shared a sobered look, “Uh, Kurt, that was only a few weeks after-“
Kurt couldn’t believe he forgot, “Oh, yeah. My mom died, sorry.”
Puck was desperate to return to the jovial mood, “It’s a really, really good thing that you weren’t there.”
Kurt smiled in anticipated glee, “Why? What happened?”
Puck and Finn chuckled, “Well, Finn here was learning how to make balloon animals from BoBo when the entirety of the Lima Police Department ran through the door and arrested BoBo.”
“Omigod, why?”
“BoBo had a affinity for BoBo-ing little boys.”
Kurt clapped both hands over his mouth. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. Okay, it wasn’t supposed to be funny. That really didn’t stop Kurt from hysterically laughing and falling off of the bed. Puck and Finn roared with laughter as they watched the normally composed countertenor roll around the floor, clutching his stomach.
It took a couple of minutes, but Kurt finally made it back on the bed, crawling up to his spot facing Puck and Finn. He ran a hand to his hair before calmly stating, “Then you’re really not afraid of clowns so much as gay child molesters.”
It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. But that didn’t stop them from cracking up again.
“Kurt?” His father’s voice traveled down the stairs and interrupted their conversation, “What do you boys want for dinner? I’m ordering in.”
Kurt was confused, “Dinner? Dad, it’s only-“ Checking the clock on his beside table, Kurt gasped, “Six-thirty? Merlin, did we really just talk about Harry Potter for five hours?”
Burt was ever the helpful father, “Yes, you really did spend five hours talking. Like a bunch of women.” Kurt heard the teasing tone in his father’s voice and hoped the other two boys did as well.
They did, “Hey! Hey! We’re talking about man’s stuff here!”
Puck chimed in, “You’re just jealous that you’re old and have no friends to talk to you.” He waggled his eyebrows at Kurt as the smaller boy choked on laughter.
“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. We’ll see if you get anything to eat tonight, Puckerman.”
“Aw, Dad! If you just wanted to spend some time with us, you just had to ask,” Kurt smiled devilishly at the other two occupants of his bed as they laughed along.
“Like I said, laugh it up,” Kurt could tell his dad was pleased.
“Give Burt a break, boys,” Carol’s voice was teasing as well, “It’s hard to know that three of his best guys don’t want to hang out with him.”
Puck, Kurt, and Finn cracked up as Burt complained, “Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I am on your side, honey.”
“Yeah, yeah. Hey, keep laughing. Here’s a fact for you. At least I have a girlfriend.”
That made Puck and Finn shut up rather quickly. Kurt was not down for the count, “Ew, girls. No offense, Carol. I’m sure breasts are lovely.”
Puck fell off the bed this time. Finn, not as amused, “Dude, that’s my mom.” But he was smiling anyway.
Burt sighed, “I come to ask about food and we end up talking about breasts.”
Kurt huffed, “You are talking with three teenaged guys, Dad.”
“You were never this cheeky as a child. You were so cute. What happened? Where did I go wrong?”
Kurt’s jaw dropped as Finn joined Puck on the floor. His voice took on a higher octave, “I am still cute!”
Burt’s laughter floated down the stairs, “Of course you are, son. Now, seriously, Chinese or pizza?”
“Chinese!” came the chorus of three boys. Kurt followed up with, “And don’t forget the low sodium soy-sauce! You might want to die at the age of forty, but I don’t!”
Carol’s confused voice came down the stairs, “Wait, isn’t Burt forty-three?”
“I promised to stop counting at forty. So now he is forty plus plus plus.”
Carol cracked up, “Oh, I like you Kurt. I like you a lot.”
Kurt beamed at the direction of the stairs, “I like you, too!”
Puck and Finn got back on the bed, “You can’t believe we talked about Harry Potter for five hours? I can’t believe we had an entire conversation with a set of stairs.”
Finn shook his head, “I can’t believe you would rather do Ginny Weasley than Hermione.”
Puck smirked, “I wouldn’t expect you to understand, Hudson.”
“Why, are red-heads better at sex or something?”
Kurt snorted, “Sorry. I just had the image of Ron Weasley in bed and couldn’t help but laugh. Continue.”
Puck grinned, “Harry more your type, Kurt?”
“Ew, no. Malfoy is where it’s at. Anyway, explain to our friend why he is hopelessly in love with Hermione.”
“You know too?”
“Finn, I love you, but you can be an idiot sometimes.”
“Hey!”
“Hey, yourself. Hermione reminds you of anyone we know? Annoying, loud-“
“Awful dress sense, constant lecturing-“
“Bossy-“
“Unfortunately endearing.”
Finn’s understanding dawned on his face, “Oh, Rachel is Hermione!”
“Welcome to the end of the thought process.”
“Noah, stop quoting House. Until you’re as hot as he is, you have no claim to his words.”
“Shut up, I’m as hot as House is.”
“No one is as hot as Hugh Laurie is.”
“Guys, can we take a second to talk about how I am totally Ron Weasley and that means me and Rachel will totally get together.”
Puck and Kurt shared a look, “Well, you do have the emotional range of a teaspoon.”
Puck high-fived Kurt, “Yes. Well done, Noah.”
Puck looked thoughtful, “Okay, we can all agree that the Marauders are the best part of the series, right?” At the enthusiastic nods he received, he moved on, “Well then, why the fuck did all of them have to die?”
Kurt jumped up on the bed, “Thank you! Seriously, JK Rowling, was it so necessary to kill off Moony and Padfoot?”
Finn sighed, “Okay, not gonna lie, I cried when Sirius died and then again when Remus died.”
He looked warily at his best friend. Puck didn’t take crying dudes so well. He was shocked when Puck raised an eyebrow, “What? I did too. It’s no big deal.”
Kurt’s jaw dropped open, “You cried?”
“Oh, and you didn’t?”
“Are you kidding? I sobbed. I hate her for killing Sirius with that stupid veil. And I hate her even more for devoting a sentence to Remus’ death. Actually, I didn’t catch it the first time. I had to go back and re-read that paragraph.”
Their diatribe was interrupted by the arrival of the food and Burt’s call for their attendance at the dinner table.
Finn, who was leading the parade of teenagers up the stairs, remarked wistfully, “You know, I wish sometimes that we could just re-write parts of the books.”
Kurt, who was behind him, smirked, “Finn, remind me to introduce you to the world of fanfiction after dinner.”
Puck and Finn said in unison, “What the hell is fanfiction?”
Dinner was an uneventful affair. The conversation included everything from Glee to cars to Puck and Finn’s epic childhood. Kurt couldn’t remember laughing so hard in one day. Halfway through, the kitchen radio, which was playing softly in the background, was blasted as the familiar chords of ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ came on.
Finn jumped up to blast the volume, “Dude, it’s Journey.” He grabbed a wooden spoon off of the counter and used it as a makeshift mic, “Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, she took a midnight train going anywhere”
Kurt never missed a chance to perform. He grabbed a chopstick and joined Finn behind the counter, “Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit, he took the midnight train going anywhere”
Kurt handed Puck another chopstick as the tall boy made his way over to the twosome, “A singer in a smoky room, the smell of wine and cheap perfume, for a smile they can share the night, it goes on and on and on and on!”
The three came together for the chorus, singing so loudly, Burt feared for the glassware, “STRANGERS, WAITING, UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD, THEIR SHADOWS SEARCHING IN THE NIGHTS. STREETLIGHT PEOPLE, LIVING JUST TO FIND EMOTION, HIDING SOMEWHERE IN THE NIIIIIGHT!”
They continued, playing air guitar and posing as they sang at the top of their lungs, prancing around the Hummel kitchen. They ended on a triumphant note, fists in the air, “DON’T STOP!” They let their heads drop, just like in Glee, and raised them to the sounds of Burt and Carol’s applause.
“Finn, honey, you boys sound so good! Is that one of the songs you’ll be singing at Regionals?”
Kurt choked out a sob, “No, because it was stolen by these deaf kids!”
There really were no more words.
The three boys went back down to Kurt and Finn’s room after dinner, full of food and laughter, “Did you see your dad’s face when you hit that note?”
“Yes. Yes, I did, Noah. He shouldn’t be surprised, my range is extensive.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think he thought you could go so low.”
“That’s what she said!”
“Finn, that really wasn’t applicable. Now if Noah said ‘go so deep’, it would be a different story.”
Puck threw himself onto Kurt’s bed, “Dude, I don’t know about you, but all this talk of Harry Potter is making me want to read them again.”
Kurt smiled, “Me too. Especially the third one.”
Finn went over to his desk, “I don’t know about you losers, but I’m going to read the fourth one right now.” He pulled out the tome and sat in a beanbag chair, “You two do whatever.”
Kurt and Puck exchanged glances before running over to Kurt’s bookshelf, “No, no! You Neanderthal! That’s mine!” Kurt jumped and tried to get the book that Puck held out of his reach, “I called it!”
“No, you said that you wanted to read it. I do too, so suck it.”
“As if you have anything to suck, Puckerman.”
Finn laughed, “Ooooooh, burned, Puck!”
“Shut up, you big tree. Hummel, I got it first, fair and square. Go read the fifth or something.”
“But I don’t want to read Harry being so angsty!”
Finn cut them off, “Are you two seriously arguing over a book?”
Kurt glared, “We just established how awesome this series is. It is not just a book.”
“Sorry, sorry. I meant to say, ‘You guys are fighting over a book that we definitely have two copies of?’”
Finn went over to his desk and pulled out his copy, “As if I didn’t have my own set.” He tossed the paperback to the grinning Kurt. “Thank you, Finn!”
And that is how they spent the majority of their evening. They each inhabited a corner of the room (Kurt on his bed, Puck on Finn’s bed, and Finn on the beanbag) and just read. Well, not just read. Finn cracked up every fifth page and Kurt had a habit of reading out loud lines that he absolutely loved (“I love this one: ‘Noble men, working tirelessly to help a new generation of lawbreakers’. I love Fred!”)
Sometime around eleven, Carol came down to the sight of three boys reading, “That’s why it’s been so quiet down here? We thought you died.”
“Mom, you thought we died and took all this time to come down to check. Wow, you fail as a mom. Mrs. Weasley would have done much better.” Kurt chuckled as Carol slapped the back of Finn’s head playfully.
“Molly Weasley had at least one girl to keep her sane. What do I have?”
Puck snickered, “Well, you have Kurt now. That’s almost as good.” Finn admired Kurt’s throwing arm as he hurled a comb from his bedside table at Puck’s head.
“Ow, Jesus, Hummel, you didn’t tell me you would’ve been a Chaser.”
“You learn something new everyday, Noah.”
Carol left them as they started their Quidditch debate, “I would obviously be a Beater, have you seen these guns?”
It was two in the morning when Kurt finally put down his book, “My eyes hurt. I’m going to take a break.”
Finn and Puck put down their books, too, “Yeah, I’m actually kind of hungry again.”
“That’s no surprise, Finn. You eat a cow’s worth of food everyday.”
“Do you think there’s any leftover Chinese?”
Kurt made his way up the stairs, “Yeah, but I get dibs on the sesame chicken.”
Puck and Finn followed and all three took quiet steps, mindful of the sleeping adults above them. As they sat around the kitchen table, eating microwaved Chinese, Kurt confessed, “I’ve always wanted guy friends so that I could be like the Marauders.”
Puck eyed him, “Well, now you’ve got them, what’s stopping you?”
Kurt was shocked, “Are you serious?”
“Hummel, you like the Marauders, you make fun of Finnessa over here, you own the actual Marauders’ Map. I’ve made friendships on a lot less.”
Kurt was touched, “You’re not so bad yourself.”
Finn interjected, “No, seriously, we have the group right here!” At the other two’s puzzled faces he clarified, “Puck, you’re obviously Sirius.”
Puck preened as Kurt’s eyes widened, “Oh my God. Finn, you’re right! A womanizing jackass with bullying tendencies, that’s Padfoot.”
“Are you actually insulting Sirius Black?”
“Oh, shut up Noah, you know it’s true. Sirius was a bastard who was reined in by-“
“Remus Lupin,” Finn finished, pointing at Kurt.
The countertenor’s eyes widened comically, “Me?” he breathed, pointing to himself, “As Moony?”
“Finn’s got a point, Kurt. Moony was the smart one with a secret that society didn’t accept him for.”
“Did you just compare lycanthropy to homosexuality?”
“What? You mean gays don’t turn into furry monsters every full moon?” Kurt slapped his arm, “Ow! Joke, Hummel, joke. We’re the fucking pranking kings, jokes are a large part of it.”
Kurt rolled his eyes, “We are not the Marauders.”
Finn begged to disagree, “Yes we are. You’re Moony, Puck is Padfoot, and I’m Prongs!”
Kurt and Puck looked at each other, before bursting into laughter, “Finn, sweetie, you are not James Potter.”
Finn’s face fell, “Yeah I am. James was captain of his Quidditch team and a Chaser. I’m quarterback and captain of the football team! And James was a natural leader and I’m-“
“Not. Dude, every time Berry calls on you to lead Glee, you wimp out.”
“Noah, be nice!”
Finn looked down on his plate, “No, he’s right, I’m no James Potter.” He looked so dejected, Puck actually felt bad. Kurt glared at him.
“Finn, dude, I was just being a douche. You’re right. If there was a Prongs of our school, you’re him.”
Finn smiled that dopey smile, “Really?”
Kurt snorted, “Yeah. As much of a douche James was, he had his heart in the right place and so do you, Finn.”
“See? It’s decided, we have the Marauders right here.”
“So, we’re the Marauders? So what? It’s not like we actually pull any cool pranks or anything.”
Kurt’s eyes lit up, “Just because we haven’t doesn’t mean we can’t.”
Puck looked at him, “Are you serious? Says the kid who was tossed in the dumpster and slushied every day for a year.”
“I’m not talking about stupid bullying, I’m talking about legitimate pranks.”
Finn looked thoughtful (as much as he possibly could), “What would we do?”
Kurt looked manic at this point, “Put Sue Sylvester’s car in the school gym.”
Puck inhaled a piece of pork, “Are you insane? You want to prank Sue Sylvester?”
“Dude, she’s the Antichrist. She’ll kill us.”
Kurt looked at them, “And you call yourself Marauders. That’s pathetic. You think James or Sirius would back down from Sue? Come on, this is Moony talking. I think we can do it and get away with it. It’s perfect for establishing ourselves as Pranking Masters of the school.”
Finn turned to Puck, “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“We could die. But I’m willing to take that risk. Let’s do this.”
So, at 2:47 AM on Sunday, May 2nd, 2010, the Marauders were reborn.
Finn sat in choir room second period that Monday, leg bouncing with excitement and fear. Glee was meeting that period because everyone had free and Schue didn’t teach. Regionals was only three weeks away, after all.
He could hardly believe it. Puck, Kurt, and him came to school at six that morning. Kurt knew there was early Cheerios practice that day and Sue would definitely be there, so they set their plan in action. One thing Puck and Finn learned that day was Kurt Hummel was a fucking genius. He knew exactly how to break into Sue’s Audi and after that, Puck hotwired the car and drove it into the service entrance of the school. From there, the three pushed the car into the gymnasium after putting it into neutral. Finn did not know how the did it without any witnesses, but they did.
Now he was waiting for news to reach the rest of the school. He swallowed his smile as Mercedes, Artie, Quinn, and Rachel walked into the room whispering excitedly. Before he could make his way over to them, Puck, Kurt, Mike, and Matt walked in with Mr. Schue right afterward.
Mr. Schue sat on the piano bench with a heavy sigh, “What is the world coming to?”
Kurt looked at the choir teacher with a small grin, “What’s wrong, Mr. Schue?”
Mercedes turned to him, “You don’t know?”
Kurt shook his head, “I spent all of first period washing orange slushie out of my hair, what’s up?”
Mercedes and Rachel tittered excitedly, before Rachel blurted out, “Someone put Coach Sylvester’s car in the gym!”
Kurt, and most of the club who had not heard, gasped, “Are you serious?”
Mr. Schue pinched the bridge of his nose, “Yes. And the only clue they left is useless.”
Finn looked quizzical, “Why? What is it?”
Quinn smiled, “The windshield was tagged with lipstick that said, ‘Have fun driving people crazy now! Love, the Marauders.’”
Puck, Mike, and Matt cracked up as Santana smirked, “The only clue is a Harry Potter reference. Nice. It’s not like there are that many people who read those books.” Kurt admired her sarcasm; it was almost at par with his.
Kurt, Puck, and Finn traded triumphant looks: The Marauders were here to stay.
Sue’s car wasn’t the last prank. For the remaining eight weeks of school, McKinley students knew to expect something from the mysterious Marauders. Everyday, there was something that went wrong. The swim team emerged one day from the pool to realize that the water was doctored with blue dye. Jacob Ben-Israel was knocked out one day, only to emerge from a janitor’s closet with a rainbow fro. The teachers’ lounge was wired to play GaGa all day, every day for a week.
The school was hit and it was hit hard. Puck, Kurt, and Finn could not be prouder.
The pranks were not the only things they did as a group. They continued their now weekly tradition of doing all things Potter on Saturdays. One weekend, they made all Potter-style foods, like blood pudding and Cauldron Cakes and butterbeer. They might have gotten slightly addicted to that last one, prompting Kurt to bring in a Thermos-full every Monday for lunch. Another weekend was spent at Ohio State, watching their Qudditch match against Kenyon College. It was intense for Muggle Quidditch.
By far, Kurt’s favorite activity was listening to truly awful Wizarding Rock in his basement while Puck and Finn whittled wands out of wood. Kurt was going to make his own until he complained too much about the splinters. Now, Puck was making two wands and Kurt was reading on his laptop, occasionally contributing to the conversation Finn and Puck had going about the merits of Charms over Potions.
“Moony?” Another thing. While they were on their Potter adventures, they took to calling each other by their Marauder counterparts. Finn said it added to the experience, “Moony? Moons? Kurt!”
The countertenor jerked up to look at Puck, “Wha-oh, sorry Pads. What’s up?”
“You’ve been on that thing for three hours. What the hell are you reading?”
Kurt blushed darkly and Finn and Puck exchanged smirks, clearly interested, “Oh, it’s nothing, really. Just, uh, fashion blogs!”
Puck smirked more, “Yeah, right. Try again Moony.”
Kurt sighed, “Alright, alright. But if you make fun of me for it, I have more than enough proof to show Schue that it was the two of you that switched his Lubriderm for paste!”
“What? That was you.”
“Prongs, when will you realize that I’m the smartest one and therefore will never get caught?”
“Alright, stop stalling! What are you reading?”
“Remember how I mentioned fanfiction once?”
Puck and Finn looked confused, “Well, I did. You see, fanfiction is fiction that takes pre-existing characters from “fandoms” like a TV show or book and writing different plots with them.”
“I don’t get it.”
Kurt sighed, “Okay. Finn, remember how you said you wished you could re-write the books so that Moony and Padfoot didn’t die?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, if you did, that would be fanfiction. People take all these situations and put Harry Potter characters in them. Or some people write scenes that they knew happened but were never written in the books. Or-“
“So, there are stories about the Marauders?”
Kurt nodded, “Oh, yeah. There are about a million stories about the Marauders’ times at Hogwarts. Some are humor, some are angst-y, some are romance-“
“Woah! I want to read!”
“Finn, you have to be careful. Some people have been scarred by fanfiction. I once read a Dumbledore/Harry romance fanfic by accident and I couldn’t stop the nausea for weeks.”
“EW!”
“Oh, that is so nasty. Hummel, how do we make sure we don’t read that shit?”
Kurt smiled, “If you’re serious about this, let me know what you want to read and finish my wand while I put together a list of links.”
Finn wanted to read stories of how James won over Lily, preferably funny ones. Puck wanted to read friendship fics between the Marauders with pranks. Kurt got to work.
About half an hour later, Kurt coughed, “Uh, Pads?”
“Yeah, Moony?”
“Um, the best and funniest Marauder prank fic is called ‘The Shoebox Project’.”
“Yeah, so? Sounds good to me.”
“It’s, uh, it’s slash.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
Kurt colored, “Um, slash is when two guys are gay for each other.”
Puck and Finn dropped their wands, “What?”
Kurt glared, “Come on. You have to see the potential for gay characters in the series? All those guys and only Dumbledore is gay? Please. Don’t be so naïve.”
Finn was disbelieving, “Who was gay? I mean, in the story.”
“Sirius and Remus.”
The two other boys looked each other and took a moment to let it sink in. After a couple of beats, they shrugged in unison, “Alright. I guess I could see that.”
“Yeah, Moony, add that story to my list.” Kurt breathed a sigh of relief before turning back to his list.
Puck and Finn spent the entire weekend glued to their laptops. They were quickly becoming addicted to this strange new world.
Kurt was at his locker, changing his books, when he was accosted by Noah Puckerman’s voice close to his ear, “Are you a slasher, Moony?”
Kurt was startled, “W-what?”
“I’ve been doing a little research. Are you a slasher? Do you read smut? Or fluff? Angst? Do you go on LJ? Are you part of any comms?”
“You have been doing a little research. I’m impressed. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you my preferences. That’s like me asking you what kind of porn you get off on.”
“Bullshit, that’s not like anything. It is asking you what you get off on. You’re a guy. You definitely read the smut.”
Kurt blushed deeply, “If you know, then why bother asking?”
“Just wondering if you ship Sirius/Remus.”
Kurt almost smiled, “Yes, yes I do.”
Puck smirked, “Do you ship Moony/Padfoot?”
Kurt was confused, “I just said-“
Puck cut him off, “No. Do you ship Moony-“ he placed a finger on Kurt’s chest, “and Padfoot?” He then pointed at himself. Kurt’s mouth went dry.
“I-I never really thought about it.”
“Because I do. I totally do.” And then lips crashed down on Kurt’s and it was messy and sloppy and perfect and Kurt’s head was spinning and knees weakening and he wrapped his arms around Puck’s neck and that made it so much better.
Puck pulled back, “So, what do you say Moony? Want to go for a ride on my enchanted motorbike?”
Kurt laughed, “Wolves mate for life, Pads. Please be serious about this.”
His eyebrows waggled, “Serious or Sirius?”
Kurt’s eyes implored him to be direct, “Moony, Kurt. I’m kinda falling in love with one of my best friends. I’m being serious. And being Sirius. Because that is the only way I can be.”
Kurt threw himself at the large boy, “I’m kinda falling in love with you too.”
Puck wrapped his arms around the boy, “Let’s go tell Prongs and then let’s get some butterbeer. I’m thirsty.”
Kurt held his hand as they moved down the hallway together, “So, I had this idea for a prank against the football team. We can rig the dumpster to be haunted with the ghosts of nerds past and…”
As the two Harry Potter fans walked down the hallway together, hand in hand, they knew that their love was as epic as James and Lily’s or Ron and Hermione’s. Because there really isn’t anything as special as kinda falling in love with your best friend.