tonight i spoke to p which is always very enlightening. she reminded me that since she met me, i have always done what others wanted because it was the easiest way. i have followed the advice, desires, wants or needs of others without taking into account what it was that i wanted ( Read more... )

i am worried about julie. i have not heard from her. i have no clue if she is back home, if she is still in ny, if she is just not talking to me ever again. no clue.

i guess its best not to know.

no jonathan...well i temporarily have custody of him until august...or june depending i dunno yet. his stupid father wants joint custody of him....why he cant just call me up and ask for visits - why he needs joint custody i have no freakin' idea. but we'll see what happens UUGHHH!

too much has happened ( Read more... )

i am back from va, back from the tears, and ready to begin to move on. i have a newfound hope ( Read more... )

mommy is gone. no more. it is still incredibly surreal ( Read more... )

i kept telling folks there is some significance to the number 232. (the funeral home she is at the phone is ( Read more... )

i feel my mom's spirit...it is CRAZY strong. i wonder since i feel it - if that means she is officially in heaven? being that her death is so so so so close to me....i feel like death is hovering over me too. i am not sure why this is....it's a feeling i wish would go away. i mean i am assuming its natural...to think you are going to die when ( Read more... )

the funeral is wednesday at 1pm

i have twisted and turned for the past 2 hours. i kept jumping up out of my sleep, lil j still has felt VERY hot after his tylenol at 2am. i hope this sleeping think or lack thereof gets better. mommy would tell me to take a benedryal and i would tell her no because i want to be able to go to sleep without any drug.