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I'm tired.
I'm so tired.
I'm tired of needs not being met.
I'm tired of tiny, [in]significant, everyday little things that drip blobs of water into the huge pools of grief in me, causing ripples that no longer still.
I am tired of insurmountably huge things dropping like monoliths into the landscape of my wretched being, carving new craters for the creation of ( Read more... ) -
28 August
is it really
d e p r e s s i o n
if you're not even all that
s a d
I mean -
so what if all you want to do is sleep?
or at least stay in bed
and not face any one or any thing
(not even
food or coffee or water
- it's not like you're hungry
or thirsty
although your head is pounding
as it always does without caffeine -
and I guess it's
uncharacteristic
that chapter ( Read more... ) -
27-05-21
what is this
not-little girl made of?
maybe, once,
sunshine(daisiesbuttermellow). roses.
maybe light.
now,
I guess
coffee.
and cortisol.
neuroticism,
learned helplessness,
and a list of issues from here
to B-612.
pretty slides,
Netflix,
and what the 8 to 10 of Swords mean in a Rider-Waite.
(once, maybe, the Queen of Cups.
no longer)
but whatever it is,
it is not
grit ( Read more... ) -
k / 29 may
we'll deserve it.
if - when - we get it, we'll deserve it.
cause we know better.
it has happened before.
and yet, we keep tempting fate, and spitting in the faces of all the people who didn't deserve it, who didn't get better, who didn't know better.
what disrespect to people who keep fighting, and trying, and doing their best.
I don't think I'll be able ( Read more... ) -
20 may
the price of peace
is silence.
it's fine. you're used to
s w a l l o w i n g
anyway.
desert the hills you're willing to die on;
there's no getting to them
when there are a googol of murderers
beyond the four walls of your house.
besides
you can't win against anything
when you've rolled and failed
every health and sanity check
between falling asleep
and waking ( Read more... ) -
230421
you are not allowed to pull me under
I have
willingly
sunk before -
let go of a lifeline;
stopped treading;
didn't even bother to start swimming -
gracefully
sunk
deep:
into the ocean,
the water,
the quicksand,
the tar,
the mud,
the dark.
let the tentacle-porn
tendrils
of my mind -
like the brains in the Department of Mysteries -
suffocate and scar me
and drag me
down ( Read more... ) -
59
...yeah. okay. I might really be at 60 ( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
you almost make me want to get the fucking thing and die from it.
only almost though cause in absolute honesty, I don't think you'd learn anything or get hurt all that much if I did.
-
(Untitled)
the night you left him,
you asked her
to hold you.
and she did.
so tightly,
the bruises she left were there
for days.
ten thousand words later,
they haven’t even begun
to fade
and you wonder
how long
how hard
how tightly
she would have held you
had he
actually
hurt more
than
your pride.
-
habits
I need to learn not to get annoyed at all these habitual things that are normal for you and him.
But I'm still inis hahahahaha.
- - - - - - -
I want this lockdown to end already please.