I'm tired.
I'm so tired.
I'm tired of needs not being met.
I'm tired of tiny, [in]significant, everyday little things that drip blobs of water into the huge pools of grief in me, causing ripples that no longer still.
I am tired of insurmountably huge things dropping like monoliths into the landscape of my wretched being, carving new craters for the creation of new lakes, ready to hold more rain-grief.
I am tired of wanting to be held when I can't be
when there is no one around to hold me
I am tired of wanting to be held
I am tired of wanting
I am tired
I
didn't need logical reasoning
didn't need solutions
I just wanted a little balm to soothe the abjectness that permeates my whole existence that settled in how many days ago and will now probably never again go away.
I do not know how long I can last in this tiredness.
I do not know how many more masks I can wear to show the kids who expect me tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
I don't know how many more spoons I can conjure from out of nowhere.
I do not know where my voice is anymore; I might have swallowed it down along with everything else I have had to force myself to choke on.
I'm so tired, I'm so tired, I'm so tired.
- - -
okay, g na ulit.
ano ba naman kasi pwede pa nating gawin kundi magpatuloy.