I wonder if this is inevitable, the very human condition. It seems like I circle the same themes constantly - death, happiness, romance, sex. It's what everyone thinks about all the time, right? So why not me? Why should I be more special than everyone else, somehow above all that? What would it mean if I were ( Read more... )

I think I'm destined to be alone. I think I'm too picky, too unwilling to make room in my life, and too reclusive to even have a shot at meeting someone I would be willing to consider rearranging my life for ( Read more... )

The twitching in my hand went away. Now occasional twitching in my right foot. How much of anything is MS, how much is getting older, how much is nutrition, how much is stress, how much is exercise? Nobody fucking knows.

So until I am impeded, I am worry-free. Life is a lot better that way.

A disease that nobody really knows anything about. Not really. Different in each sufferer, no way to predict when or whether episodes will happen, lesions appearing and perhaps disappearing (if you listen to the ladies who cite prayer as treatment), medication maybe reducing effects in the future ( Read more... )

It's helpful to be able to read this, because it helps me figure out patterns and know myself better. And if I know myself better, I can better recognise when I am being ridiculous and when I am not ( Read more... )

I feel weird. I am hoping that something resolves into normalcy or a semblance, so that I can reflect on this strange period as just a strange period. I'm trying to treat it that way, in effort to see hope rather than dread ( Read more... )

I've been diagnosed with MS. Most people are amazed at my calm. It's not as though it's a death sentence, and it's not as though I can do a thing about it. And so life keeps on keeping on, with a valiant struggle to not be regarded as an invalid, keeping private things private, and tackling that future discussion as it comes ( Read more... )

I've behaved badly and it's time to be an adult. I'm vowing to myself that things will change, that this is the 10% I can make happen. It's not as though I don't have willpower, I just need to suck it up and grow the fuck up already.

Part of it (though thankfully not all of it) is, of course, due to a man. I want to be better, to be more ( Read more... )

Today I saw a comment from his wife on his Facebook wall - "omg. our anniversary is on wednesday!" Her profile picture is a lovely family photo of the four of them.

This produced a rush of shame that wasn't there previously. I am so, so glad. I need an external barrier that is strong enough to prevent anything from happening again. He has a ( Read more... )

I can't believe I did that, except that I can. He's married, with two little kids, and a god as well. And we knew we were going to, and we went right ahead. He'll have guilt, and maybe I will too...or maybe I won't, because right now I do not care. The smell of him is on my skin, a light sandalwood, one of my favorite smells on earth, and we ( Read more... )