Took a stupid, deceitful risk, but I still hope it will work out in my favor.

I'm good at playing dumb.

Last month, I said, "It is an ultimate compliment for me, an ultimate rush and validation, to have someone whose opinion I give a shit about confirm something I think about myself. Particularly when that thing is a positive one, though I get a grim satisfaction in knowing I am portraying what I think I'm portraying when that thing is negative ( Read more... )

I had dinner with...friends, we'll say. What defines a friend? Can it be a term, a status bestowed upon someone? Does it have to be mutual? Is it fine to consider one a friend when you know and accept and like that it is largely one-sided? Can there successfully be different levels of friendship between two people? I say yes ( Read more... )

It is an ultimate compliment for me, an ultimate rush and validation, to have someone whose opinion I give a shit about confirm something I think about myself. Particularly when that thing is a positive one, though I get a grim satisfaction in knowing I am portraying what I think I'm portraying when that thing is negative ( Read more... )

I'm amazed and suspicious of my capacity to feel extreme joy for others while also feeling extremely sorry/bad for myself, for the same occurrences. There's no real reason why I shouldn't be capable of this, but it's so rare in society that it makes me assume I'm self-deluding. I worry about that a lot, actually ( Read more... )

I'm lonely. And envious. And disappointed in myself. This is not where I thought I'd be at this age, and even though I likely have a lot more time left, suddenly it doesn't seem like much time at all.

I kind of need to stop watching How I Met Your Mother when I'm feeling this way.

There is something deeply satisfying about another human being openly being attracted to you. Sure, there are some things that can actively be coifed or painted or washed in order to make such a thing more likely, but beyond that - attraction is inexplicable and can't be helped. And it makes me want to just shout for joy. I don't know why - I've ( Read more... )

I was right to set the length of time requirements I did on new relationships...Jesus H. It is like I'm a depression magnet - depression is not this common in everyday society, is it? Or else it is severely underdiagnosed ( Read more... )

Today we became boyfriend and girlfriend. And agreed not to rush into anything else in the next week. Hooray for small barriers.

I am in love. We said "I love you" today, even though it is ridiculous and impossible and crazy. We hemmed and hawed and disclaimed and apologised and finally said FUCK IT and repeated "I love you" over and over.

I am scared out of my mind but also hopeful.