Finding Purpose (15/?)
Title: Finding Purpose (15/?)
Author: Nytel
Rating: R
Spoilers: Up to 213 (Epiphanies)
Pairing: Kara/Lee
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: When your whole life gets flipped upside down, you need to find a reason to go on.
Word Count: 2,753
Beta: The fabulous
i_am_girlfriday!
Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing them. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: This fic is AU after Epiphanies.
Chapter 15
Cottle came in less than two seconds after Kara left and declared that Zak was going to be fine. Lee started asking questions, specifically trying to figure out when and why the cylons had cloned Zak and then replaced him with a cylon copy. He was hoping that he’d be able to find out something, anything that would help him help Kara. But as soon as he started, Zak interrupted with his own inquiries. Even through his grogginess he was demanding to know how he’d made it onto Galactica. When Zak claimed that he’d only known Kara for a couple weeks and insisted on knowing why she’d been at his bedside when he woke up, Lee knew he had to leave.
He didn’t have time to wait for his dad to explain it all to his brother, so he headed for the sickbay exit. The need to find Kara was the most pressing thought in his mind. He left in much the same manner Kara had-fast and ignoring the protests of the people he was leaving behind him. Despite his conflicting emotions, it hadn’t been a hard decision to make. He’d seen the look on Kara’s face before she left and he knew that he needed to find her.
First he tried the places relatively close to sickbay: the mess and the rec room. He honestly didn’t expect to find her someplace so public, but he did check, just in case. Then he headed toward the bunkroom. Finding it empty he checked the pilots’ head next, and then the ready room.
With every place he didn’t find her, Lee became more and more worried. He didn’t know exactly what would be going through her mind, or how she was feeling, but he knew that whatever it was, it would be completely overwhelming. She needed to know that she didn’t have to deal with it by herself, that he would help her get through this.
He tried his best to think of where she might be, but he was drawing a blank. Suddenly he remembered her fascination for watching the stars and he turned on his heel and headed for the observation deck. The days when the CAP had put on performances for onlookers were long gone, and now it was rare to find anyone there at all.
Lee ran fast, fueled by a burning urge to find her as soon as possible. He was out of breath by the time he reached the hatch, but he didn’t stop. It took a little while for his eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room, which was in stark contrast to the fluorescent lights that lined the halls of the ship. He scanned the room and cursed under his breath when there was no one seated by the large window.
“Looking for someone?” A voice to his left asked. Lee jumped and turned to see who it was.
“Helo?” He inquired. The figure in the corner seat stood up and nodded. “I’m looking for Kara,” Lee said. “Have you seen her?”
Helo walked toward him. “Isn’t she with Zak?”
Lee shook his head, only half listening to the other man. He was already trying to think of where else she might be.
“What’s going on?” Karl asked, obviously picking up on the fact that something was wrong.
“Zak’s not… Listen Helo, I don’t have time for this. I need to find Kara. I checked the bunkroom, the ready room, the mess, the head…”
“What about the hangar deck?”
Lee could have hit himself-of course that was the one place where Kara might seek refuge. He couldn’t believe his own stupidity, but he shoved the thought aside as soon as it sprang into his head. His own inadequacies were not important now.
“Thanks, Helo,” he called over his shoulder as he made his way out the hatch.He heard Karl’s questions following him, but he didn’t stop to answer them.
He made it to the hangar deck in what he figured was record time. It wasn’t a busy as normal, but it was one of the few places on the ship where people were always working. He quickly looked around, but all he saw were deckhands and the three pilots on alert. Lee turned to where the vipers were kept, and he spotted Kara’s right away, but she was nowhere near it. Frak.
His fists clenched in frustration. Even on a ship the size of Galactica, there were only so many places someone could be. Suddenly the memory of how Kara had looked before leaving sickbay surfaced in his mind. Lee had never seen her look like that before: crushed, like her entire world had fallen apart around her. His resolve to find her solidified-it wasn’t an option.
He saw Cally working on a viper not far away, and he jogged over. If he had to ask every person on the ship if they’d seen Kara, then he would.
Cally must have noticed him because she wheeled herself out from under the bird and stood up. “Sir.”
“Have you seen Starbuck?” He asked quickly, forgoing all preamble.
Cally nodded. “I didn’t see her come down, but only five or ten minutes ago I saw her leave the supply room.” A worried look crossed her face and Lee felt his heart rate quicken. “She didn’t look so good Sir. I think she’d been drinking.”
Lee’s chest tightened; he needed to find her now. “Did you see where she went?”
Cally turned and pointed toward the walkway that overlooked the hangar deck. “She climbed up there. I think she was heading for C-Deck, but I can’t be sure.”
Lee’s thoughts started racing. C-Deck… there was nothing there except for… He took off at a dead run, his heart pounding against his ribs. The only thing on C-Deck was a small-arms locker.
***
Kara stumbled into the small arms locker and headed for one of the six storage units inside. The only problem was that it was weaving in and out of her vision; she tripped more than a few times as she tried to get there without falling down.It hadn’t been that long since she’d downed the first jar of rotgut, but it was potent stuff that worked quickly when combined with fatigue and an empty stomach.
She leaned against the unit heavily as she struggled with the lock. When it took her nearly five minutes to remember the combination she realized just how intoxicated she was. She shook her head trying to clear it, but she remained in a pain filled daze.
The alcohol had barely numbed the hurt, but she needed it gone. She squinched her eyes closed as her chest tightened and tears burned at the back of her eyes. Images flashed through her mind, all her memories of Zak. Those had been some of the best times of her life, but they seemed as if they were all a lie. She clenched her hands tight enough that her nails dug into the skin of her palms and drew blood.
She knew that she was supposed to be Starbuck, the exalted tough pilot, but right now she wasn’t. Instead she was just Kara, a broken woman in pain. She had dealt with physical pain all her life, but this wasn’t physical pain, and she had no idea how to deal with the emotional kind. It was threatening to overwhelm her and she didn’t know how to handle it, but she did know one way to make it stop completely.
Reaching in, Kara pulled out the first gun her hand touched, along with a box of bullets. She let go of the locker and opened the box, but as soon as she no longer had the support of the locker she fell to the ground. The box hit the deck with a loud clang and bullets scattered everywhere.
She pushed herself into a sitting position, the gun still clutched tightly in her grasp. With a shaking hand she grabbed the closest bullet and loaded the gun. She turned the safety off, and just before she was about to raise it she remembered something. The last time she’d held a gun like this she’d been lying on the deck of the firing range next to Lee. Her eyes fell closed, and for a moment she could have sworn that she felt the warmth of his hand wrapped around hers, a stark contrast to the cold metal of the gun against her clammy skin.
Her resolve began to falter. What would he think of her if she went through with this, if she killed herself? Her hands began to shake harder. Oh Gods, what if he was the one to find her body? Her throat tightened, and for a second she couldn’t breathe. A single hot tear rolled down her cheek. The only way to make the pain stop was to do this… but she didn’t know if she could. She did not want her last action in life to be something that would hurt him, not after everything.
***
When Lee opened the hatch to the small arms locker he stopped dead in his tracks. Kara was sitting beside an open storage unit, directly across from the hatch. There were bullets scattered all around her, and an empty ammunition box was by her feet. But none of that was as shocking as the gun in her hand. For a moment he began to panic. Whatever pain he’d felt when he thought he was losing Kara to Zak was nothing compared to what he felt knowing that he might lose her for good.
Lee took one slow step forward. “Kara,” he said, trying hard to keep his voice soft despite how much it was shaking.
Startled she looked up at him and opened her eyes. His heart broke when he saw how much pain she was in; it was etched in every line on her face.
“You don’t want to do this Kara.” He kept his voice gentle and he took another step towards her.
She shook her head, but Lee didn’t know if that meant she was disagreeing or not. “I was involved with a cylon.” Her words slurred together, but Lee could still make them out. He was surprised at how lifeless her voice sounded.
“You didn’t know…”
“I fell in love with a cylon.” She stared straight at him and tears began to run down her face.
Lee wished he could prove her wrong, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know the exact time that Zak had been switched, but he believed it was before Kara had ever gotten involved with him. If they’d been together first, then Zak would have remembered her upon waking up, at least more than just a vague recollection of her being his flight instructor.
“You couldn’t have known…” He took another step towards her, eyes darting back and forth between her face and the gun cradled in her lap.
“I was engaged to a cylon!” Her voice became angry and she was barely able to choke out the words.
Lee froze momentarily. Engaged?
She must have seen the question on his face. “We were going to tell everyone on his next break.” A sob caught in her throat and her gaze dropped down to her lap. “But none of that matters, because it wasn’t real.” Her hand tightened around the gun.
Lee saw the movement and closed the final distance between them and knelt down in front of her. “Kara, give me the gun,” he pleaded.
She turned her tear-stained face upward and after a second her eyes focused on him. It was like something clicked, because one moment she was holding the gun and the next she had thrown it across the room.
Lee felt relief flood through his veins, but the feeling was quickly replaced by worry when Kara hugged her knees to her chest and curled in on herself. Violent sobs began to wrack her body.
Lee moved so that he was sitting beside her. He wrapped his arm around her shaking shoulders and tugged her close against his side. She surprised him when she turned to wrap her arms around his torso and bury her face in his neck. He held on tightly and buried his face in her hair while she cried. It wasn’t long before he felt his cheeks becoming damp as well.
Wishing he could do more, Lee began to rub his hand up and down Kara’s back. “I’m here Kara,” he whispered into her hair. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”
He continued to hold her close until her tears stopped and her breathing calmed. As reluctant as he was to break the embrace, he knew they couldn’t stay there all night. “Come on,” he said quietly as he pulled back. “We should get you to the bunkroom.”
She nodded at him, her eyes barely focusing on his face. He stood up before helping Kara to her feet. When she leaned almost all of her weight on him, he became more alarmed. He knew that she was drunk, but he’d never seen her this out of it before.
Lee made sure to wrap one of her arms securely around his shoulders before placing his own around her waist. They started for the bunkroom, but it was slow going. Every second step Kara stumbled and he had to hold her up.
He was glad when they reached the bunkroom. Kara was leaning against him more than at the start and he thought she might pass out at any moment. Lee opened the hatch and was relieved to find all the bunks empty. The rest of the pilots were either in the rec room or on CAP.
Kara had remained silent the entire way back form the arms locker, and when they made it to his bunk she sat down heavily. One look at her glazed eyes told him he was right about her being on the verge of passing out. He knelt down on the deck and took off her boots, placing them beside her locker. Kara’s hands automatically went to her belt and she tried to take of her dress pants. Reaching up, Lee helped her slip out of them too.
He wasn’t surprised when seeing Kara sitting on his bunk in only underwear and tanks didn’t cause the normal stir of longing. Those feelings didn’t matter right now, not when she was hurting so much. He’d known Kara for a long time, but he’d never seen her like this, quiet and withdrawn. It scared him, because that was not who she was, in fact she was anything but.
Lee pulled the covers back on his bunk and Kara slipped in, slightly favoring her injured knee. He moved to close the curtain, but stopped when he felt her hand on his arm. “Stay,” she said so quietly that he barely heard her.
Not knowing what else to do Lee nodded before kicking off his own boots and stripping down to his tanks and boxer. He slid in beside her, making sure to shut the curtain. He lay on his back and turned his head to look at her. She rolled over and formed herself against his side, tucking her head underneath his chin and draping one arm over his chest. Lee wrapped his arm around her shoulders, holding her close.
He nearly jumped when he heard her quiet voice. “He was the only person who ever loved me.”
Lee shook his head and held her closer. “That’s not true,” he whispered into her hair, barely able to get the words out. “I love you.”
Kara didn’t say anything, but she held onto him tighter, clutching at his tanks. He had no idea if she would remember what he’d said come morning, or if she’d even heard him in the first place, but at that exact moment it didn’t matter. What was important was making sure that Kara was all right.
It wasn’t long before her breathing slowed and she fell asleep. Lee tenderly brushed a stray piece of hair out of her face. He wished there was some way that he could take away all of her pain. Knowing there wasn’t, he silently vowed to do anything he could to help her get through this. She was his best friend and he wasn’t going to let her down, not when she needed him the most.
TBC
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6
Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 13 Chapter 14