Finding Purpose (11/?)
Title: Finding Purpose (11/?)
Author: Nytel
Rating: R (eventually)
Spoilers: Up to 213 (Epiphanies)
Pairing: Kara/Lee
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: When your whole life gets flipped upside down, you need to find a reason to go on.
Word Count: 2,598
Beta:
tracyj23
Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing them. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: This fic is AU after Epiphanies.
A/N 2: Special thanks to
carpenyxfor her help with this chapter.
Chapter 11
Lee didn’t wake up in the morning so as much as simply haul himself out of bed-he couldn’t consider it waking up if he hadn’t fallen asleep in the first place. After he and Kara had made it into the bunkroom the night before, he’d climbed up the ladder into her rack and just laid there, a million different thoughts and worries running through his mind. No matter how hard he’d tried he couldn’t shake the nervous feeling that had overwhelmed him, especially when he knew there were other people doubting his abilities too. In the end he’d spent the entire night tossing and turning while his mind worked in overdrive.
Lee climbed down the ladder slowly, trying to be quiet. It wasn’t quite time for the shift change and he didn’t want to make any more noise than was necessary.
He slowly pulled back the curtain around his rack and looked in. Apparently Kara hadn’t had the problem sleeping that he’d had-she was dead to the world. He couldn’t help but smile a little as she buried her face deeper into his pillow and sighed deeply.
Letting the curtain fall back into place, Lee made his way over to his locker, trying not to shiver as the cold metal of the deck chilled his bare feet. Deciding not to put off the inevitable, Lee changed into tanks and shorts before slipping his flight suit on over top. Instead of doing it up, he tied the arms around his waist. He wasn’t ready to feel the material closing him in completely and reminding him of the upcoming mission-not yet anyway.
Lee closed his locker door softly before looking up at the clock that hung on the wall. He sighed when he read the time. It was just over two hours until they were set to jump to the cylons’ location.
Drawing back the curtain, Lee looked in on Kara again. She was still sound asleep, and a quick look at the alarm clock on the shelf told him she’d be like that for a while.
Rather than closing the curtain, he opened it further and gently lowered himself until he was perched on the edge of the mattress. For a second he allowed himself the luxury of simply sitting there and watching her. There were only a handful of times that he remembered seeing her look so peaceful.
“Kara,” he whispered, leaning over her slightly. When she didn’t stir he spoke a little louder. “Kara, wake up,” he said, as he reached over and gently shook her shoulder.
She woke up with a start, her arm nearly connecting with the side of Lee’s head in the process.
“Whoa,” he said as he dodged the wayward limb.
Kara looked at him oddly through only half-opened eyes. “Sorry,” she muttered sleepily after a few seconds.
“It’s okay,” he said, trying not to notice that she was sleeping in only a single tank and her underwear…in his bed.
It was dangerous enough to think of her like that-in a very non-platonic way-normally, but to have that kind of distraction on his mind during the upcoming mission…it would be practically suicide.
Lee felt his gut begin to twist and churn as he thoughts returned to the mission once again. He closed his eyes tightly, wishing that for once he could be the perfect and infallible Apollo that all his pilots thought he was.
***
Kara felt her stomach flip as she saw Lee close his eyes tightly-it looked like he was in pain.
“Lee,” she said hesitantly, not even trying to keep the worry out of her voice. “Are you okay?”
His eyes flew open and once they registered on her face his demeanor seemed to change and he nodded. “Fine,” he said.
She held back a sigh-it was too bad she didn’t believe that. She knew Lee well enough to know when he was telling the truth, and when he was lying. Right now it was definitely the second.
“You sure?” she asked, looking at him intently.
He nodded. “Yeah,” he said through a yawn.
Kara raised one eyebrow at him. “Did you get any sleep last night?”
“I’m fine,” Lee said harshly, despite the quietness of his voice.
Those two words gave her the real answer-he hadn’t slept at all, and now he was about to fly a very important mission. He was nervous, and tense-she could see it on his face and in his posture. She gritted her teeth and forced herself not to call his bluff.
She wished she could be out there with him later; they should be doing it together. For what seemed like the millionth time in the past few weeks, Kara silently cursed her old pyramid injury. It was still another week before Cottle would clear her for flight status, but another week wasn’t good enough. They needed her now…he needed her now.
“Anyway,” Lee said, interrupting her train of thought. “It’s two hours until we jump.”
Kara felt her eyes widen in surprise. It felt like she’d just fallen asleep minutes ago, but it did explain the wake up call.
“Thanks,” Kara said as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and shifted so she was sitting next to Lee.
“Yeah,” he replied, sounding distracted. He stood up and started to walk away, seemingly lost in thought again.
She quickly stood up, and ignoring the pain in her knee, caught up with him. She wrapped her hand around his arm and he stopped, turning around to look at her peculiarly.
“Hold on,” she said. “Give me a second to get changed and I’ll go with you.”
“Right,” Lee said, bristling at her comment for some reason.
She wrote it off as nerves as she limped back over to her locker and put on her dress blues.
***
Lee stared at the food on his plate…that was if it could even be considered food in the first place. He used his fork to push the … eggs maybe? Around his plate. A quick glance over at Kara told him that she found the food unappealing too, but at least she was managing to eat it.
Every time he thought about taking a bite his stomach churned and he was certain that he’d be sick if he did. So instead he just sat there and rearranged the food mindlessly, his thoughts occupied with much more important things. The details of the plan kept running through his head, over and over, making the night before seem a lot less trying in comparison.
“Hey,” Kara said quietly, drawing his attention back to her. “You going to eat anything?”
“No,” he said, getting angry as he pushed his plate away and stood up.
“Hey,” Kara said again, this time more annoyed.
“I’ll see you later,” Lee said briskly as he made his way out of the mess and into the hallways of Galactica. He didn’t need her mothering him, not now.
Lee could feel the anger simmering under the surface, but there was only one problem-it was directed more towards himself than Kara. He was mad because he knew there was a very good chance that he’d screw up out there. And, as usual, he was taking it out on Kara. She didn’t deserve any of it, but he just hoped she would understand, or at least forgive him for it. That was how they worked after all.
Lee’s feet instinctively brought him to the situation room. He opened the hatch slowly, relieved to find that no one was there yet. The personnel probably wouldn’t start filing in until twenty minutes or so before they jumped.
Lee walked directly to the center of the room and looked over the map table. He had over an hour; it would have to be enough time.
***
As soon as Kara forced down the rest of her breakfast, she left the mess hall in search of Lee. It wasn’t long before she found him-it helped that she already knew where he would be.
Kara closed the hatch of the situation room behind her as she slipped inside. Lee was so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn’t even heard her enter. She took a second to just stand there and watch him. He was staring at the map table intently and muttering quietly to himself.
She felt her chest tighten as she realized exactly how nervous Lee was. He was so tense with worry that she could actually see the muscles straining underneath his tanks. It was disconcerting seeing him like that-it was practically guaranteed that all pilots would be nervous before big ops, but not like this. Lee was supposed to be confident, not insecure.
“What do you want Kara?” Lee asked suddenly, though he didn’t turn around to look at her.
She nearly jumped upon hearing his voice, loud and unexpected in the quiet room. She had no idea what had given away her presence, but she tried to hide her surprise.
“I’m just making sure you know the plan,” she said as she made her way over to the table.
“I know the plan,” Lee replied through gritted teeth, still not looking up.
“Right,” Kara said flatly as she stood a few steps off to his left.
She watched as he stood completely still, save for the movements of his eyes as they scanned over the plan repeatedly. When the silence and tension became too much she started to talk again.
“Galactica’s going to jump in here,” she said, indicating the spot on the map with her finger as she began to go over the mission. It was as much for her own reassurance as for his. She needed to make sure that she did everything she could to ensure that Lee would be okay on the mission.
Out of the corner of her eye Kara saw Lee’s hands tighten, grasping the table hard.
“You think I can’t do it,” Lee stated, his voice angrier than she ever remembered hearing it.
Kara’s eyes automatically turned upward to look at his face. It was obvious that he was on the verge of losing control of his anger.
“No,” Kara said meekly, refuting his claim.
“Just admit it Kara,” he yelled, finally turning to look at her. “You think I can’t do this; you think that I’m going to frak up!” He paused for half a second. “Maybe you’re right,” he added bitterly. “But I don’t need you throwing it in my face.”
Kara wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting to happen when she found Lee, but this hadn’t been it.
“Lee, I know you can…”
“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit Kara,” he said. “I saw the way that you and my Dad looked at each other last night. Neither of you think I can pull this off.”
“That’s not true,” she said forcefully. “We’re worried Lee. We’re worried because this is a risky mission, because there are a lot of things that could go wrong.”
Lee opened his mouth to say something else, but she cut him off.
“Not because of you,” she said, her voice getting louder. “This plan depends on a hell of a lot of things, and if any one of them goes wrong, things will get bad fast.”
Some of Lee’s anger seemed to fade away as he took in what she was saying.
“Your Dad and I care about you Lee, and if a part of my plan gets screwed up, you might end up paying for that mistake.” Kara paused and took a deep breath. “You’re the best person for the mission Lee. I know you can do this.”
“Then what?” he asked, not willing to let it go. “If you’re so sure I can do this, then why are you here?”
“I don’t know,” Kara admitted quietly as she looked back down at the table. She wasn’t quick enough to miss the questioning look on Lee’s face.
She sighed heavily. “I just... I just wish I could be there to watch your back, okay?”
***
Lee watched Kara as she began to play with one of the model vipers. To say that he was shocked by her admission… well that was the truth. He’d automatically jumped to the conclusion that she thought he was the wrong person for the job, but apparently he couldn’t have been more wrong. It just made him feel ten times worse for getting mad at her.
He opened his mouth to apologize, but closed it again when Kara started talking. Her voice was quiet and he almost had to strain to hear it.
“It’s stupid, but… when it’s the two of us, we always make it through. No matter how bad things get, in the end, we’re always okay.” She sighed. “I need to make sure that you’re going to be okay.”
Lee suddenly felt an unexpected stinging sensation at the back of his eyes. Kara was never this emotionally honest, with anyone. He’d only ever known how she was feeling because over the years he’d learned to read her well, not because she’d ever actually told him.
“Kara,” he began quietly.
“I know it’s stupid,” she said. “But that doesn’t change it.”
“It’s not stupid,” Lee said as he shifted closer to her. “You think I don’t worry about you whenever you’re out there?”
She looked up suddenly with an inquisitive look on her face.
He turned around so that he was leaning against the table and looking at her straight on. “Yeah,” he said in confirmation. “Gods, ever since you crash landed on that moon I’m terrified that something will happen and you won’t come back.”
“Lee…”
“No,” he said. “I always worry about you when you’re out there, but I trust you Kara. I trust that you’re a good enough pilot to get yourself out of any situation you might find yourself in.”
A small smile graced her face. “I am good,” she said cockily.
Ignoring her comment Lee continued. “I trust you Kara, and I need you to trust me.”
Immediately she sobered. “I do trust you,” she said bluntly. “More than anyone else.” She looked at him directly, pinning his eyes with hers. “I trust you, but you need to trust yourself too.”
Lee felt the uneasy feeling return to his stomach as Kara quickly cut to the heart of the matter. “Yeah,” he said quietly as he averted his eyes. “Anyway, I should probably head down to the hanger deck…” It was partially a lie. He could easily leave later and still be there in plenty of time.
“Okay,” Kara said quietly, not calling his bluff.
Lee gave her a small hesitant smile before turning to leave.
“Wait,” Kara said, making him pause mid-step. “Good luck.”
“Thanks,” he replied quietly. The next thing he knew Kara was wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him towards her. It was so easy to just fall into the embrace, and once again he found himself wishing that she wasn’t off limits to him.
“I’ll see you when you get back,” she said firmly, as if it wasn’t an option. He almost wanted to chuckle.
“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I’ll see you later.”
When Kara pulled away, Lee caught sight of her face. From the looks of it, if he didn’t come back, she’d kick his ass. And knowing Kara, she’d find a way to do it too, no matter how impossible it might be.
TBC
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9
Chapter 10