Building New Cities with Paladin
I was on my third day of intermittent fasting and feeling rather exhausted. Light-headed, and unsure I could keep up the five-hour-eating-window, I came into Paladin's room for distraction, comfort and care.
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It was eleven-thirty on April 22nd 2016. Half an hour until I'd allow my eating window to begin and eat. My emotions were sharper and easier to access, but oh how exhausted I felt. I knew that had more to do with my continual lack of sleep than to do with the new eating pattern, and yet . . .
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"Think of our relationship like Civilization," I said, referring to the video game I had grown up on. The analogy I was about to paint would work for any "4X" strategy game. "In the beginning we just had open land for building our relationship, and a settler. We built our first city together, and the land was free of threats to our budding connection."
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As I spoke I laid beside him on his sleeping mats under his duvet. The golden-yellow cover was silky smooth and relatively new. Mermaid, or my parents, had lost the black cover to the duvet while Paladin and I were away from snowland and it had been borrowed without our permission.
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I snuggled the duvet and Paladin both. I thought back to our first year together living in Sunnyland. I thought of our very first collisions, where his temper had run out. We hadn't argued, but he had exploded two times in that year.
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"As our borders expanded, we encountered a few stray enemy units. We gathered our resources and were able to take them down. We built new cities, learning to do new things together, exploring and enjoying each other's company. Our shared dinners were a strong city in our relationship. My braiding your hair each morning before you went to work. You teaching me how to fold towels, how to take care of knives, how to shave without getting razer burn. Those were each solid cities of our relationship."
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I thought of our move from Sunnyland to Snowland in April 2011, after we'd lived together in Sunnyland for a year. "And then we moved. Any enemy city now lurked on our bordered, pushing the borders of our relationship backward." As I spoke I was visualizing the video game, imagining our blue borders being pressed back by the expanding influence of an enemy red civilization.
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"A city made up of our regrets, our hurts. A permanent city we couldn't conquer. We threw forces at it, but that took so much out of us, that at times we let it alone, letting it slowly creep in on us."
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Later, when I told this same analogy to Hibiscus from the bathtub, he made a sound of sympathy and nodded at this point in my illustration. Telling it to Hibiscus felt different. I felt adrift, and overly hot in the bathwater.
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As I spoke to Paladin, I was there, we were the analogy I was describing. It existed for me in real time. I stood on the walls of our castle, queen in our capital city. I spoke to my king and told him the history of our empire in sad, remorseful tones, tears finding there way out the corners of my eyes and back to my ears.
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Laying on my back, eyes open but only seeing the images of the story I described, I continued, "Over the years, things changed. Once braiding your hair was a strong city in our relationship. It was a tactile connection, an expression of love and creativity. Then, as I became more and more despairing of your will to take care of yourself, as you were a mess day after day, I became resentful. Seeing your messy hair was a source of pain for me, and that city of connection became lost to our enemies."
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My body felt fragile, but my voice was strong in its wavering, emotional way. "And now, all the cities but our capital have been taken. And just like in the game, our capital has expanded. We've learned new tools. Our technology for relationships is highly advanced. The buildings are modern, beautiful, and much more than they were. Our castle walls are taller, harder to scale. This inner sanctum of our relationship is impenetrable, surrounded by our castle, and our capital.
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"And yet, from the castle walls I can look out upon the ruins. In all directions I can see what was, and the ravages its undergone. Sometimes we take back a city for a time, but the ruins of war are in evidence, and resisters strike up rebellions. It can be hard to tell a citizen of our relationship from a foreign rebel in these places.
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"There is no where in our relationship I can hide from the pain. No where deep enough inside where I can escape the awareness of so much decay and loss. No where I can completely escape the grief. And so much of the time I am wandering through these ravaged cities, trying not to get burned, or shot by arrows, as I assess the situation."
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It is no wonder I can't orgasm when I have sex with Paladin. Because orgasm is complete escape, and with him, I can't seem to find a place out of view of my grief.
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My heart clenched painfully in my chest. Paladin and I had actually had sex the previous day, and yet, still I could find no satisfaction with him. Three times since April 8th we'd had sex, and yet I only found orgasm in his presence while using my glass anal toy and playing with my clit. His cock brought me no relief, only desperation.
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I closed my eyes and squeezed, fresh tears leaking out.
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"Is it possible that we could build new cities?" Paladin asked.
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I nodded, the back of my head rubbing against his pillow. "Yes," I said. "That is what I've been thinking."
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"Does it feel worth it to you to build new cities?" he asked.
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I closed my eyes. My body became still as I tried to find the answer. This is the question I've been asking myself over and over again, I thought. This question is the bane of my existence, and yet I must have an answer.
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"I can't build new cities out of reach of our strife," I said, choking up.
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"Can we reclaim old cities?"
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"Yes, but the grounds are ravaged, the situation unstable. New cities are easier to build up." I swallowed. But we said vows, I thought. And now I'm going to say vows to Hibiscus. "I need to find out how to stop these patterns and losses from happening with Hibiscus. Being here with you, experiencing this with you, is showing me where I'm going wrong with him in real-time, each and every day. This is a priceless opportunity to learn how to stop repeating these mistakes, how to build a better relationship."
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"Good insight," Paladin said softly, touching my hair.
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"Yes," I said, equally softly. "It's worth it to build new cities."
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Later that day, in the bathtub . . .