Fretting In The Bathtub
Paladin followed Hibiscus out of the bathroom where I was taking my bath. Hibiscus had just listened to a voicemail that indicated he needed to do some emergency work for Silverstag Eco Hamlet in the next twenty-five minutes before his next work meeting began.
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"Is it possible I could help you or would I just slow you down?" Paladin asked Hibiscus.
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"Possibly, especially when it comes to measuring," he said. "But honestly, I'm more worried about her." Hibiscus was referring to me. I was pretty out of it, I reflected. My heart swelled in appreciation. He sees me. He really sees me. "I don't know if you can substitute for me, but I'm sure you're better than nothing."
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My heart throbbed. How transparent we all were we each other, that he could say that to Paladin. Paladin didn't miss a beat. "I checked with her already, but I'll check again."
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He came back upstairs. I felt hopeful that he would come up and join with me in the way that Hibiscus had been talking with me as he ate the salad I had made for him.
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Paladin came and sat down next to the tub. I let him see a little of the emotion in my eyes. When I showed myself to Hibiscus, he would smile, enjoying seeing me. But Paladin worried and fretted. It didn't feel good.
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"Go on and join him," I said, hiding my pain and giving him a soft, believable smile. I was acting and I knew it, and yet, it seemed that our capital was safer if we dodged some of the pains instead of trying to fight all the battles at once. (I'm referring to this analogy here.)
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Paladin nodded and left the bathroom. How interesting, how they see me better in such different ways. How Paladin could see why I was grinning at Hibiscus so easily, see that it was because I was enjoying watching Hibiscus's emotions, and yet Paladin was blocked from seeing the depth of the place I was in . . . Or perhaps he's just been numbed to it.