Nelum, part 3 of 3
[Continued from Part 1 and Part 2.]
I spent the weekend away from my computer. Silverstag Eco Hamlet was having a " Silverstag Values & Visions Retreat" to get the community together and bring our values, ideas and projects into a more cohesive vision of our future at Silverstag.
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Nelum: [Smiles.] We can also research some events that interest us both to enjoy. If you wish?
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Also, I have plenty of (nonfiction) books you're welcome to read while you're here. On wellness, massage, tantric and taoist sexual loving, qigong, natural building, seth, wilderness survival, herbs, etc.
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Just ordered some modeling clay this evening. As I want to explore making a miniature model clay-cob and tiny home. To play with ideas and form them into physical representations. To explore ideas. You're welcome to use it too, if appeals. Anything here, you're welcome to.
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Also have some sketch books and sketching pencils. I've not done much with them yet. Drew a lot when a child to my teens then stoppped. Just brought out and reading through some of a book on sketching this evening, and exploring a simple rough sketch of face. One of my main issues is I often self-censor, out of not feeling competent enough to being with. Silly really. Recognizing that more lately, and growing more beyond it to give myself more permission to not get things "perfect" from the beginning.
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Nuria: Modeling with clay with you sounds fun. If there is a raw potluck, I might enjoy that, but mostly I want to enjoy warmer weather and your company.
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Nelum: If you enjoy my company to a raw potluck, I may be into attending too? Want to be really clear before you pay for a ticket, that my space is just one medium-size office room. And while there is a shared office bathroom and sink, we will need to be quiet - covert about staying here overnight. My office is fairly comfortable. I have a mini fridge. Lots of books. And happy to give you many, many hours of massages too while you are here, and practice qigong meditations. Yoga, if you want to play with some together.
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By the time I read these messages he had sent me the money. I smiled to myself. I felt somewhat less desirous of flying away to Sunnyland than I had while Hibiscus was away overseas, but it still appealed, it still felt 'right.'
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Hard to feel the need with Hibiscus making such wonderful love to me each and every day, I thought. But something about this feels like I'm opening up to a new world of possibilities. I'm embracing the part of me that always wanted to be a concubine, that wanted to be bought.
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Nuria: Sounds like an adventure worth having all around!
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Nelum: Indeed.
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Nuria: [Looking into dates, details and flights right now.]
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Nelum: WHeeeeeee!
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I grinned to myself. I asked Hibiscus when he thought he might be traveling again in February. The last week he was likely to be driving off to the west for a week. I looked at that week's flights, and then further looked into possibilities for timing. It felt somewhat surreal and distant.
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More looming in my mind was Hare's upcoming visit, or my second set of tap and bellydancing classes on Tuesday night. Then, Saturday, my twenty-seventh birthday. A beginning of a new era of my life.
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Nelum: I am trusting you are truly fully honest, and own your equal adult human responsibility for communicating clearly to me at any and all times, if you have a personal boundary what exactly that is!? So that I can understand and thereby respect it, as I certainly then will.
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As you have likely noticed based on some of my posts, some women pretend they are above equal accountability and responsibility for knowing and communicating while relating if they have boundaries what they are, then turn around later and falsely accuse - blame men who trusted them for relating accordingly.
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I do not expect any level of openness, other than mutually respectful, honest direct verbal communication of your subjective boundaries while relating so I can understand and thereby then respect them and flow in giving and relating accordingly. This ensures our mutual comfort.
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This book, Tantric Orgasm for Women, also describes fairly well, much of the essence of how I feel and live and give through loving sensual and sexual nurturing affection. And in essence the embodied meditation qigong practices I practice and share.
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Slow, present, open hearted accepting whatever arises with loving presence, no agenda, nurturing love.
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I looked at the book online. I could get an ebook edition for $10 if I wished. The book described itself: "A revolutionary approach to female sexuality that focuses on relaxation as the key to achieving deep orgasmic states. Explores how receptive feminine energy influences the male-female exchange. Reevaluates the role of the clitoris, breasts, and vagina in achieving orgasm."
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It did sound interesting.
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I also remembered his reference to women who would be delighted by his advances, and then be angry with him afterward.
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"Nelum, women will often feel seduced," I said to him over the phone, sometime over a year ago, "Because they will have entered a trance-like state and feel blissful and loved. Then, later, with their rational mind full of programming, they'll feel shame. That shame will hurt, and so they will turn their venom on you, and blame you for not respecting their boundaries."
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Nelum had felt touched by my insights and compassion for his plight. I could tell he wanted connection badly, and was able to find it through massage and tantric encounters, but something - I wasn't sure what - was missing in his ability to maintain open communication with a woman.
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What part of himself is he unable to communicate with? What reflection of himself is he manifesting in his relationships with women? I wondered.
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Nuria: I remember discussions about that before. I'm not always clear about my own boundaries with myself, thereby making it hard to convey. But when a boundary feels crossed, my reaction is not to turn around and blame someone for crossing it. The responsibility is mine for drawing my own lines, and if I fail to draw them, it is my own fault entirely.
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I am very interested to learn what you can teach me of presence, patience, energy, love, sweetness and communication.
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I tend to connect to myself best when I am visually not engaged. I tend to be a better communicator in the dark because I find myself more fully, and am more aware of parts of my self that seem to be segregated away when I am looking at life, analyzing it with the part of me that simultaneously sees and then judges.
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Another note about my communication is that I enjoy communicating without words. It is very easy to say 'yes' or 'no' or 'more' with one's body. I think much more than that can be conveyed, but it can take time to get to know someone's stances, postures, looks . . .
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I will not hold anything against you or turn around and blame you for anything I agree to while in trance-like states or while failing to communicate. I can tell you interesting stories about situations I've been in, years past, where my boundaries were pushed and how it turned out.
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Exploring consciousness, senses, and the energy of another being are the most precious experiences one can have, even when they are darker and more difficult. And I don't expect you to be the darker kind. If anything, I think you would find my darker side baffling, and I don't expect it to be evoked naturally by the sort of nurturing spirit that you are.
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I'm looking at February 24th through February 29th. Do you have a preference for me arriving at roughly 12pm or at 7pm on Wednesday? Also, what is your address? [Smiles.]
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As I wrote to Nelum, Paladin was moving around furniture in his room. Hibiscus was in the basement working. Outside clouds moved shockingly quickly across the sky. The sun was warm enough that the snow had melted for the first time in at least two weeks.
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I remembered one of the things Hibiscus had said to me over the phone: "This is what polyamory is, right?"
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No, I'd thought. Not always. You could object. You could be jealous. You could be mad. You could forbid it. Just because you're okay with Paladin living here doesn't mean you have to agree.
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But I hadn't said any of that. I was grateful for his simple, loving acquiescence. Paladin had actually been more uneasy.
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"I wish I were going to Sunnyland with you," he said.
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"You'd have to come up with the $400 to go," I replied.
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"I know," he said. He wanted to come with me to share in the vibrations, energy and manifestation I was creating. We wanted to live our lives together. Anything that could be leading us in opposite directions was scary for us both. Neither of us needed to speak those thoughts aloud. They were the backdrop to the words we exchanged.
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"You'd also need to find a place to stay," I said.
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"I have friends there. I'm sure I could find somewhere."
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I nodded. "You wouldn't need to be limited to six days. I've chosen six days so that I don't miss any dance classes."
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He nodded, "That is true."
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But that was as far as the conversation went. He didn't have the money, and I felt that it was right for me to go. He'll be a mess while I'm gone, I thought. But what can I do about that?
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January 28th, 2016, 1:00am
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Nuria: By the by, re-reading some of our correspondence at the moment and it has occurred to me that I do have a boundary I should mention. Condom usage. It is important to me. [Makes a serious face, then chuckles.]
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Nelum: Hmmm . . . I hadn't thought much about being that depth of sexually intimate with each other. I am so used to just giving in a one-sided way so to speak, rather than including sharing in that sense. Though yes, of course, I respect that too. Likely so.
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Nuria: *chuckles* Well, there, a win for being more overt. It illicited interesting information from you. :)
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Truly though, I wondered if I might find Nelum sexually infuriating, enraging me with a desire for him that would leave him feeling violated.