Nelum, part 1 of 3
Year: 2010
Location: Sunnyland
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Nelum wrote to me online. I'd never met him before. He was curious about raw food, and had found me through my blog or through meetup.com where I was quite active. He wanted to know if he could trade a massage for a raw food class.
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I wrote back to him with interest. I'd never had a professional massage before, and after visiting his website, I was very interested to meet him. Nelum practiced Tai Chi and Qi Gong. His outlook on life was clearly very centered around spirituality.
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One day he came to Paladin and I's apartment with his massage table. It was a weekday, and Paladin was at work during most of the time we spent together. I made a divine guacomole with tomatillos, ripe avocados, tomatoes, garlic, onion, rosemary, basil and cilantro.
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"Tomatillos," I explained, "Are the secret."
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Note: Tomatillos taste like a cross between a cucumber and a pepper with a hint of lime juice. Their texture and flavor make a dynamic guacamole or salsa that is hard to beat.
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"It also helps that these heirloom tomatoes taste incredible," I said, when Nelum kept exclaiming about how delicious my creation was.
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I shared with him a few other interesting raw foods I had on hand, but the guacamole was my favorite of the creations we shared. I was delighted by his level of delight.
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Afterward we talked for a while, and then he set up his massage table. I was unsure if I should be nude under the sheet or not, so I left my panties on. Nelum put on a meditative, trance-like music. I closed my eyes and relaxed.
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Slick with an organic oil, his hands moved across my back like magic, easing tension and bringing pleasure everywhere they flowed. I felt enchanted. Minutes turned into hours. I lost all sense of time.
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Paladin came home at some point and went past us to sit at his computer. I found his presence distracting, but managed to forget he was there most of the time.
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Nelum asked me to turn over, and he massaged my shoulders, and then, to my astonishment massaged my pectoral muscles. His fingers moved down my breasts and it felt incredibly good. I wished I hadn't worn my panties. I wished I could have more of his hands all over me. The best I could do was to keep my face serene, encouraging.
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I became aroused and my breathing quickened. I tried to hide it. I didn't know if he could tell or not.
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When he left, I was sad to see him go. Our parting was a little awkward. I wanted him, and yet I barely knew him.
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Weeks later, we met again and repeated this dance of food and massage and a little conversation and another awkward parting.
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At night, I talked with Paladin of how much I wanted Nelum, how aroused I'd been. I asked Paladin how he felt about that, and he was quite uncomfortable. Nelum inquired as to whether I could come to his office some time. Paladin didn't like the idea, and I didn't have transportation without Paladin dropping me off.
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Furthermore, I knew I couldn't promise to Paladin that I wouldn't have sex with Nelum if I went to his office. But still, I wanted it.
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In April of 2011 Paladin and I moved to Snowland. Still I remembered Nelum.
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We exchanged letters on occasion. Nelum told me of the difficulties he experienced with women. He told me of falling in love, and of heart-break. He told me of desiring polyamory, and at another time he told me of shunning polyamory for holy monogamous union. Later, after further heart-break, he spoke again of polyamory.
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Sometime in 2014 or 2015 we had a long phone call where I felt incredibly connected to Nelum. For long periods of time, I would forget about Nelum entirely, especially during the months where I first fell in love with Hibiscus. In August 2015 I became Hibiscus's guest, and in September I fell in love with him, and by October, his home was my home, several hours east of Snowland (where I'd grown up).
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Then, January 18th, 2016, Nelum was in my dreams. I wrote to Nelum in a text message: "In my dreams last night you were there. I said to my friend Saanen who was also there, 'Yes, he's a great guy. He's the only guy I ever regretted not having a one-night stand with.' Saanen giggled at me, and she said, 'Well, don't let me stop you: go for it.' She winked at me and then I started flirting with you."
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The dream implied that I was about to have sex with Nelum, but like so many dreams, the sex itself was not detailed within the dream.
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Nelum replied, "Thank you, Nuria. Sounds like a beautiful, lovingly kind dream. Yes, I think - feel about you too, was in fact just a couple days ago, how I would have loved - still too - giving more fully as felt you were wanting, would enjoy. Appreciative hugs to you!"
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I smiled wryly at his flowery, somewhat tiresome writing style.
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Hibiscus was overseas at the time, and I was admittedly quite lonely. Even with Paladin there, it wasn't the same. Paladin and I were more like loving brother and sister - friends for life, always there for one another, and deeply connected. And yet he so rarely fulfilled my deep need for passion, excitement, and hours murmuring and caressing.
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That evening I texted Nelum back, "If we did not live on opposite ends of the country I do believe that we would be very close friends and that we would spend a lot of time together. :)"
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Nelum replied within minutes, "Ha! I was just thinking about you again. And your expression, relating and appreciating also your nutritional knowledge."
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I was tempted to say, "I've learned that nutritional knowledge is fairly over-rated. When in alignment with oneself, listening to one's intuition, and lining up with one's highest desires, one will automatically reach for the best, most nourishing foods for one's body." But instead I just texted back a smily face.
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What does it matter? I thought. Why bother trying to connect with him when there are thousands of miles between us?
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A few days alter, on Wednesday, two days before Hibiscus would return back to Silverstag Eco Village, Nelum wrote me on facebook: "Had a sense you would only grow more beautiful as you age. Indeed, it is so. I would love to reconnect. Share a looong, warm, loving embrace. Give you a massage for hours as you enjoy. Talk with each other. Enjoy some more of your culinary artistry."
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I grinned. I had recently posted new photos of myself to facebook - the first showing my dreadlocks which I had created in November. I'd been somewhat shy of showing my new face to world, in part, because I couldn't show the biggest change to my life - Hibiscus. As long as I was hiding my polyamory from Paladin's family, I was hiding it from the internet, which meant my entire relationship with Hibiscus was a secret to my internet life. That pained me, and pained me, and pained me some more.
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I hated secrets.
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But over time my desire to share new photos of myself overcame my disappointment with not being able to share my most important life change.
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It was late at night when I saw Nelum's message - one o'clock in the morning on Thursday.
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. . .
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Nuria: I would very much enjoy that too. Do drop by. [Looks at you flirtatiously and smiles.]
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Nelum: Tenderly and intently, yes.
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Nuria: Only a few thousand miles. [Smiles.]
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Nelum: For now. Another now, likely in graceful, sensual, in-person presence.
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. . .
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Then, it dawned on me. Why not go out to Sunnyland to see him? Sure, it was one-thirty in the morning, and perhaps not the best time to be making decisions of that sort of nature, but . . .
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. . .
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Nuria: Gosh how I miss Sunnyland. If I could stay with you for a week and you wanted to buy me a plane ticket, I'd visit for sure!
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Nelum: I would gladly, if I could afford to. Though my "home" - sleeping situation is quite minimalist at the while.
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Nuria: [Nods, and gets curious and looks at flight prices] It's $402 from here to there for a round-trip flight. [Chuckles.] But yes, I know that's no small amount of change.
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Nelum: And how my dear, will we enjoy this flow of nows?
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Nuria: If I were there?
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Nelum: Indeed.
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. . .
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I felt my breath catch a little at the thought. I was excited. My sly, sexy, demure and flirty aspects surfaced. In my mind I heard myself speak aloud the words I typed - my voice speaking in low, coy tones.
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. . .
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Nuria: [Smiles wryly.] Depends on whether my memory of your hands matches the reality.
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Nelum: I could have massaged you all day and night. Coupled with talking.
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Nuria: My memory tells me that your hands are magical devices that induce spiritual awakening, deep relaxation, and intimate stimulation. Couple that with a week sharing your modest sleeping accommodations . . . And eating wonderfully energizing foods . . . [Shrugs flirtatiously.]
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Nelum: Your perception echoes my intention and feeling. Yes.
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Nuria: I sure could use a get away from the cold, cold northern land . . .
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Nelum: It has been raining an unusually abundant amount here.
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Nuria: Rain is a lot nicer than snow. [Grins.] It makes great accompaniment to conversation and spiritual entwinement and late night musings and brunch.
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Nelum: I've more than a few times, found myself feeling your being, feeling continuing our sharing, my giving for you beyond time and other limitations we had previously.
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Nuria: [Nods.]
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Nelum: This it does.
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. . .
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It was approaching two o'clock in the morning. I very much wanted to convince him it was worth it to buy me a ticket. But something else came over me, an eerie-pleasant sensation which I categorized as my inner-oracle or inner-priestess rising to the surface. A sense of knowing, rightness, and love flooded my being. I smiled serenely.
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. . .
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Nuria: I am guessing we are old friends from lives gone before. February 24th . . . to the 29th would work for me. [Looks at you teasingly.]
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Nelum: Happy to also share some more qigong embodied meditations too. They also keep us calmly energized. Supporting flowing into all day - night nurturing.
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Nuria: Oh, I'd love that!
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Nelum: Yes.
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Nuria: And were we to go forward with this plan, we ought to catch up over phone and/or video ahead of time, to cover the basic levels of re-connection so that we're natural in person and don't waste time being awkward. [Grins.]
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Nelum: I was intensely aroused, feeling beautifully intimately emotionally, sensually and sexually appreciatively open to and with you when we related. Was simply being reserved in deference to not knowing your comfort and desires for sure.
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Nuria: [Nods.]
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Nelum: Ah heck - a long, lingering, presently grounded, warm hug and simply vulnerable, authentic presence and communication opens us more than enough. Just being ourselves - free of masks.
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. . .
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I smiled sadly. Sometimes that isn't enough, I thought. Even with Paladin, that is not always enough. Even with Hibiscus, that is not always enough. Complex consciousness muddies the waters of the most straight-forward procedures and desires. Conflicting inner rule-books that tell me star-crossed directions.
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I sighed. What to write back? I drummed my fingers for a minute.
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. . .
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Nuria: Sometimes masks are hard to drop when you want to impress someone or are unsure of their truest feelings. Sometimes masks are hard to drop just because of old programming.
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Nelum: I'm beyond needing to be impressed, my dear. And I simultaneously empathize with that.
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Nuria: I like myself and others better without the mask, but I've been rejected for my real me so many, many times.
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Nelum: Yes, me as well. So fuck it.
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Nuria: [Hugs you and chuckles.]
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Nelum: We can be as weird, awkward, playful, quiet, sensual, flowing as we are in each moment. And love it all. Recognizing the same in each other, in principle.
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Nuria: Here is information on how to pay me. If you think you can stretch it, I will book a ticket for the aforementioned dates. [Smiles.]
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Nelum: I can't pay that full amount. Part though. Yes. And of course happy to pick you up and drive you back for return flight.
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Nuria: I'd still cover my own food while I'm there. [Smiles.]
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Nelum: Practical detail - I am living in a very small, but efficient and comfortable space with no shower. I shower at the sports club I work at.
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Nuria: [Chuckles.] Interesting.
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Nelum: I can look into if I can get a pass for you to shower there too, if you wish. It's a matter of focus, building my business in new location, and money.
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Nuria: [Nods.] I assume your space has a kitchen and sink(s) one can wash up at?
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Nelum: It is a shared office building. My own private office. Shared bathroom. A little sink.
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Nuria: [Gives you a devilish grin.] You're familiar with manifesting your wealth through the vibration you put out to the world, yes?
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Nelum: I am here quietly. Learning. Thank you. I want to only be doing with my time what I feel most resonant with. And my focus has been on that, regardless of money. Though gradually building clientèle, students, and income.
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I glanced at the clock. I felt my inner sense of desire, of devious inclination, of intuitive alignment. I glanced around the room, eyes-peeled for any signs that I was doing something I shouldn't be. Everything seemed in place within me, and I stole myself for a bold move.
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Nuria: [Nods.] Have you been introduced to the concept of "you can't give away anything you don't have" and thereby if you give something away, it tells your subconscious and supraconscious that you can afford it, thereby changing your relationship with the universe and with money? I wonder what it would tell your subconscious and supraconscious if you can afford to fly in your own personal concubine for a week?
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[Continued here.]