6 years, 220 days. 6 whole fucking years and 220 days. I will not break. I will not break.

“Man, this is sad. I bought my first guitar amp here.” I regret these words immediately. The longhair behind counter doesn’t need to hear this. I decide to keep to myself. The room is mostly empty. An entire wing devoted to guitars is now a meager display. The kids picked last for the kickball team.

“So what’s next? You got anything lined up?” I can ( Read more... )

I saw a dead body on the way to work this morning. A homeless man. Piled on a bench like the pile of belongings in the cart next to him. This bench rests in the shadows of live oak and transplanted palm trees, next to the manmade lake with a decorative fountain surrounding the largest hospital in the county. A self-described Mediterranean style ( Read more... )

I think I’m going to quit playing music. I’m sure I’ll still play around the house - but the idea of playing shows? Recording an album? Maintaining any sort of online presence? Why am I still doing this? what is the fucking point? I don’t even know if I’m enjoying it anymore. I’m certainly not proud of it. I cringe at the thought of posting my own ( Read more... )

When you’re a dedicated people pleaser there is no room for self. Being a people pleaser is written in your bones. Because fuck you. Because you are worthless. Your only value is what you can provide to others. You don’t get to experience happiness, you facilitate it for others. You do not deserve happiness. It is written in your bones. And it when ( Read more... )

You don’t see the mountains as much as you feel them. The meager stars provide an impression, but you don’t see much of them either. It’s not a relief of the mountainside, it’s the lack of everything else. The headlights, feeble in the oppressive darkness, illuminate the faces of the valleys without brightening them.  A lit match within a flood. A ( Read more... )

I am a useless cog in a nameless machine spending 11 of every 24 hours doing meaningless work on my incessant march to my inevitable death.

Once again - I feel completely unprepared. Inadequate. I am unable to handle the world and what is required to live in it. I am afraid all. The. Time.

All I want to do is run, and deflect, and people please, and hide, and I can’t say no.

what?!? Of course that’s ok! Don’t worry about it I got it. No, no it’s no inconvenience at all! I was gonna do ( ( Read more... )

I watched my grandfather die in the hospital. He had Parkinson's, and we knew for a while that it was going to kill him.

It had already been a while since he lost the ability to speak and generally care for himself. My grandmother had been putting his meals in the blender for some time when she had a severe stroke and wasn’t able to care for ( Read more... )

Surprise!

Surprise! It doesn’t get better