Belonging: Chapter Nineteen
Author's Note: Jack's back... and I think this might be one of my favourite Chapters :)
Title: Belonging - Chapter Nineteen
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Ten/Jack (mentions of Jack/Ianto, Doctor/River, One/OC)
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 for adult situations (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: DW: Last of the Time Lords, Silence in the Library, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: slash (boykissing) | references to polyamory | angst
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
The Doctor smiled at last. "Shut up, and get over here, you impossible man."
Chapter Nineteen
Just finished reading through Ianto's entries in my Journal.
Well, that was... educational.
It's strange when two people who are supposedly a couple keep back so much from each other, both in the way of information and emotion.
It's mostly my fault, of course. And no, I'm not just blaming myself because it's 'what I do', as Ianto seems to think, but I know that it's this air of mystery that I surround myself with, this habit of being so damn enigmatic all the time, that makes people think that they can't talk to me, or that I'm not willing to share any of my emotions with anyone.
It's not a healthy thing, I know, but it's a long-standing habit that's hard to break. I'm trying to be better, but it's going to be a long haul.
I'm Captain Jack Harkness, and I am An Impossible Thing. If you're not used to that by now, you never will be.
Anyhow, I'm back in charge of this thing now, thank you very much, but the Doctor's idea was a good one. Ianto might have taken up far too much space in my journal (for such a quiet soul, he can rabbit on when he gets going, can't he?), but at least we know where we all stand, and we're all reading from the same page, pun very much intended.
Anyway, going back to where I had left off, after I caught Ianto and the Doctor together. Yes, I know I probably reacted to that a little more rudely than was called for. It wasn't that I was angry or jealous at Ianto and the Doctor spending some time together. In a way, I was really quite pleased about it. It was just a culmination of my frustration at the whole situation, annoyance at Ianto having blanked me so much lately, and the fact that his meetings with the Doctor had been conducted behind my back, and I don't like that.
Yeah, I'm a hypocrite. Sue me.
Once I'd got over that though, Ianto and I decided to lay all our cards on the table. I was... I'm going to say 'taken aback', but that doesn't really cover it, about how Ianto has handled all of this. I've tried to be fair to him throughout all of this, and God knows I love the man more than I can articulate with my clumsy words, but I never knew just how much I meant to him, not really.
After reading what Ianto has written, I'm more than a little touched at how he sees me and our relationship, but on the other hand, I'm also angry with him for being so down on himself. I thought I'd made it perfectly clear how special and important he is, not just to me on a personal level, but to the whole team. If he can't see that, then I've failed, haven't I? I felt so strongly, I actually annotated what he'd written at one point, and I could have continued, but then I felt like a teacher marking some kid's schoolwork, and so I stopped. (Yeah, that teacher's robe sounds pretty good, though.)
Anyway, I have made a very firm note to myself to give Ianto a stern talking to later, and I'm going to keep talking to him sternly until I've managed to convince him just how wonderful he is.
He does enjoy it when I'm stern with him, sometimes.
Such a lot has occurred since I last wrote in this journal, but I'll try to be brief as to some of the details, because there are a few points I'd like to elaborate on. Some very important things have happened over the last week or so, and I want to chronicle those particular events as thoroughly as I can.
Because… I think that maybe in the future, when I'm cold and lonely, as I shall no doubt eventually end up at some point, what I am about to write may just offer me a little warmth and comfort on a dark and loveless night.
***
Ianto and I had our little talk, as I mentioned. Ianto explained a little of how he'd felt when I'd told him about turning down the Doctor's proposal to bond with me, although I didn't get a full understanding of what was going through his head until I'd read what he'd written in my journal.
This entire situation is... hell, if I didn't laugh, I'd cry, so I'm choosing to laugh. It's insane, isn't it? Ianto is right though. I've always had a doubt about the choices I've made over the last few years. I don't think I ever even admitted that to myself until now.
I told the Doctor, after that year on the Valiant, that I'd had a lot of time to think, and that I knew I belonged with my team. That was mostly true, but what if there was just a tiny lurking doubt in the back of mind, asking if that was really what I wanted? Given the choice of being able to travel anywhere and anywhen with a man you hero-worship, or do a lot of good on one planet with a great bunch of people, what would you choose? A life of adventure or a life filled with responsibility and valour?
Or, if I were to see things on a purely emotional basis, did I choose to return to a man I thought I loved, or stay with a man I was hopelessly infatuated with?
There was always a doubt in my mind, I know that now. As much as I felt my place was here in Torchwood, that my duty was to protect the Earth, what always happened as soon as I caught a sniff of that wily Time Lord? I turned back into Fanboy.
That doubt has always been there, and maybe Ianto was right. Maybe now was the time for us to deal with it.
Because I just couldn't hurt him like that any more.
So Ianto told me what he was prepared to do. No, actually, what he wanted to do. Ianto proposed that we review our relationship rules, quite radically as it turned out, to enable me to have a relationship with the Doctor as well as Ianto.
I was full of reservations about that, and I said so. No doubt it was an amazingly attractive prospect, but Ianto has a jealous streak, there was no point in denying it, and I didn't want to cause any more aggravation between us. We have enough stress in our daily work without adding further angst to our private lives.
I told Ianto that I appreciated his intentions, but that it just wasn't going to work. I just wasn't sure Ianto had thought it through properly; that he wasn't prepared for how he might feel if it became a reality. I knew that even if Ianto said it was okay for me to see the Doctor on a non-platonic level, whenever I was with the Doctor, I'd feel as though I was being unfaithful to Ianto.
Then Ianto told me that he was well aware of that, which is why he'd decided that he wanted to bond with the Doctor too. I could hardly feel as though I was cheating on him if he was with the Doctor too. We'd be on an even footing.
It took a moment for me to get my head around that, which is something that surprised me. Did the thought of Ianto being intimate with the Doctor bother me in a way that none of my other relationships had before?
I'm still not sure, even now.
Above all else, I was worried that Ianto would be doing it just for me. It's a difficult step to go from being jealous of somebody to being in a relationship with them. And Ianto said that in the usual circumstances, I'd be right. But he'd changed his mind about the Doctor, for all sorts of different reasons, over the past week or so, and he thought he was ready to give a 'fifty first century relationship', as he calls it, a try.
Ianto said that he knew he and the Doctor had to get to know each other a lot better before they could take another step forward, we both knew that it was part of the bonding process. But Ianto said he couldn't expect me to wait for that to happen, so he was willing for me to bond with the Doctor straight away, if I still wanted to. Besides, he'd said with a cheeky smirk, if I didn't get a move on, he'd end up shagging the Doctor before I did.
I'd never known him be quite so adamant about wanting something before; there was a determined spark in his eyes that I've not seen there very often, and I've decided I rather like it.
So... we agreed to give it a go.
It's been over a week now. It's all going rather well, apart from a few teething problems. Ianto and I have agreed that we are each other's primary partners, and that if either of us should decide it wasn't working, then we would go back to being monogamous. We've also agreed to spread out our time with the Doctor, and with each other, as fairly as possible so that nobody feels neglected.
I never want to see that betrayed look in Ianto's eyes again.
On a positive note, it turns out that this way, Ianto and I are actually spending more quality time together than we used to before the Doctor turned up, and that we're focussing more on enjoying each other's company when we do.
As for the Doctor and me... you know those points I said I wanted to elaborate on?
Oh, man.
***
This was ridiculous. It was the most nervous I'd ever been before seeing the Doctor, even more nervous than the time I went to the TARDIS after he'd returned to the Hub after our big fight. And it wasn't as though I was about to deliver bad news. I was about to tell the Doctor what, I hoped, he wanted to hear.
Hell, for over two thousand years, I'd been waiting for this, dreaming about it, wishing for it. Fantasising over it. And I was about to get what I wanted. No wonder I was a little nervous, then.
As I entered the TARDIS, I felt a little frisson of... something. Excitement, I think. In the atmosphere. Maybe it was the TARDIS itself. If the TARDIS could be smug... she was being very smug right at that moment.
"Hey, you," I almost whispered.
I saw him, my beautiful Time Lord, leaning over the console of his ship; his face illuminated a warm shade of orange.
He looked up at me, his face impassive. He didn't reply.
Why did he look so deadpan? Why the silence? I never knew how to react at anything he did, these days. I frowned.
Then I realised he was chewing something.
He raised a hand, waved at me, and then pointed to the half-eaten bar of chocolate on the seat behind him.
He couldn't speak because he had a mouthful of chocolate. The chocolate I'd given him.
I don't know how something so simple could be so very endearing. All my nerves disappeared, and I felt my face break into such a big grin I could feel the muscles in my cheeks begin to complain.
I walked over to him resolutely, and took him into my arms. I felt like picking him up and swinging him round, but didn't want him to start choking on his chocolate, so I just held him tightly against me, felt his chin digging into my shoulder.
The Doctor swallowed, cleared his throat, and laughed softly. "What was that for?" he said into my ear, his voice sounding a little sticky.
I pulled back, smiling at him.
"I take it you and Ianto are... alright…?" he said, a little wide-eyed. I let him go, conscious of the fact that I was probably squeezing him too hard.
"Yeah. We're fine. Better than fine, in fact. Amazing. Brilliant." I accompanied the Doctor's favourite word with another wide grin.
The Doctor stuck his hands in his pockets and leaned back against the console while I told him what Ianto and I had discussed the night before, and what we had agreed.
There was a little pause.
"Does that... sound... okay to you?"
The Doctor sniffed. "I daresay we could give it a whirl, yeah." He had a twinkle in his eye.
"So... if you still want to, we can... uh... well, there's nothing stopping us now." I was a little surprised to realise I had a sheen of cold sweat on my forehead. All of a sudden, this all seemed a bit overwhelming.
The Doctor looked down at the ground, and then back up at me. His eyes were shining.
"Now?" he said.
I exhaled a gasp of nervous laughter. "No time like the present, I guess."
The Doctor smiled. This was really it, then.
"Should we... um... go somewhere…?" I realised I had no idea what this bonding procedure would entail.
The Doctor shrugged. "It doesn't call for a big ceremony or anything. Some people like to make a bit of a thing of it, I suppose, arrange to go somewhere inspiring, bring a picnic or something. Oh, River said we go on some sort of romantic picnic at some point. I wonder if that's where we..." he stopped and looked at me, abashed. "Sorry. I shouldn't...."
I shook my head. "It's fine. It doesn't bother me."
I reached out and took his hand. "Tell me about... your first. The... mother of your children. When you bonded with her, I mean."
The Doctor smiled, a little coyly. "We didn't make a big fuss. We took a walk just outside the Citadel. We sat down together in grass the colour of ripe strawberries, under an early morning sky. We watched the second sun of Gallifrey rise in the south, and it changed the colour of the leaves on the trees around us from silver to amber."
"It sounds beautiful."
The Doctor nodded. He looked half-happy, half-sad. "It was beautiful. She was beautiful. We watched the sun rise, and then we bonded, and then we kissed. Not our first, I might add."
"And then...?"
The Doctor smiled bashfully. "Nah. I know what you're thinking. It wasn't really... the done thing. Not… somewhere like that. Not on Gallifrey. We waited a few more days before we... y'know." He scraped his foot along the ground self-consciously.
Yeah. You know what I was thinking. Ah well. A man can hope, right?
I took a deep breath. "We don't have to go anywhere fancy, Doctor. I can't think of a more fitting place for us to bond than in this ship. And... I think right here. In this room. Just after you saved my life for the first time, I stood here and watched you dancing with Rose, back in 1941, remember?"
The Doctor smiled wistfully. Of course he remembered.
"I think that's when I first felt... something for you," I said softly. "I was envious. I wanted to dance with you. I'd already danced with Rose that night, it seemed only fair..."
I grinned at the Doctor, but he was already walking away from me. He stepped over to the seat by the console, and sat down. He looked at me expectantly.
I started to cross over to him, slowly. "So... we don't have to get naked for this, or anything?"
The Doctor shook his head. A corner of his mouth twitched, but his expression remained mostly serious.
"Ah well. You've gotta give me credit for trying."
The Doctor smiled at last. "Shut up, and get over here, you impossible man."
"Yes, sir." I sat down next to the Doctor. I looked serious now. "Sorry. Bit nervous, I guess."
The Doctor nodded. "There's no need. It won't hurt."
"I know it won't," I said simply.
I faced him, and then the Doctor cradled my face with both of his hands. His touch was cool against my skin as he arranged his fingers, his thumbs resting on my cheek bones, his index and middle fingers pressing lightly against my temples. I swallowed. I didn't know what to do with my hands, and so I folded them together awkwardly.
I stared at the Doctor, watching as his eyes slowly closed in concentration. His eyelashes were dark against his pale skin.
I could almost swear the lights dimmed slightly. I closed my eyes too. Everything around us seemed to fade away. I was very aware of my breathing, of the sound of my own heartbeat, of the touch of the Doctor's cool hands on my face.
For a moment there was nothing. I almost opened my eyes to ask if there was something wrong.
bright flare in my head, like a welcomed shaft of light in the darkness
I took in a surprised intake of breath, although it wasn't a sudden spark, like last time. It was softer, more controlled. White light began to permeate the darkness behind my closed eyelids, but I didn't open my eyes. I knew the light was nothing more than an illusion; it was inside my head.
And it was warm. Oh, God, so warm. Warm and gentle.
It put me in mind of when I was a little boy, being smothered in soft furs by my mother when I was cold.
A sensation like the comforting heat of sweet brandy slowly trickling into my belly.
...the arms of somebody who loves you, wrapping themselves around your body, soothing away pain and sorrow
...the emotive, gratifying feeling of knowing that you are understood and accepted for who you are
Almost unconsciously, I unfolded my hands, slipping the right one under the Doctor's unfastened jacket, sliding it smoothly against the cotton of his shirt and resting my palm flat against his chest. I could feel the double-thump of his heartsbeat.
I suppose, thinking about it now, it was an unconscious demonstration of what we are. The Doctor linked to me through my mind; I needed to make a connection with him through physical touch. I suppose that's how it had always been.
The light in my head got brighter and brighter and now... I could... I don't know. I could say that I could 'see' something behind the light, coming closer to me, but as it was all in my mind, I suppose anything I could relate to one of my bodily senses was merely illusion.
I could say that I felt warm, that I could see light, that I could hear a rush of white noise, but I don't suppose any of that would be accurate. The entire experience was... beyond words, really.
All I know is... after a few long moments of this warm, wonderful sensation... suddenly, the Doctor was there. He was in my mind. In my soul. I don't suppose he was reading my mind, and I certainly couldn't read his, but I knew the connection went both ways. He was there, with me, in my very heart. I felt... comforted. Safe. Loved.
It was... the most intimate, astonishing thing. More intimate than sex, in a way.
I opened my eyes. Everything seemed so still and calm around us, like we were in our own private bubble. The Doctor still had his eyes closed. He had a beatific smile on his face. I longed to kiss his eyelids, but I didn't want to break the spell.
I breathed out, slowly. My exhalation hitched a little as suddenly a wave of intense emotion crashed over me, like an aftershock. On the peripheral of my awareness, I felt the warm wetness of a tear roll down my face.
The Doctor opened his eyes and looked at me calmly, but didn't move his fingers away from my head.
"Are you okay?" he asked. At least... I think he said it out loud. It might have been in my head; I can't recall whether I saw his lips move or not.
"Yeah. Better than okay," I said softly. I smiled.
He took his fingers away from my temples, but not abruptly. He let his fingers trail softly down my face, pausing to wipe the tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb.
"Is that... it?" I asked. I didn't mean to sound disappointed, because I wasn't. I'd just expected it to be a little more... dramatic, I suppose.
The Doctor nodded. "Well... that's the initial connection. If we... when we... y'know..." he blushed. I smiled. It was going to take me a while to get him to talk about sex without reddening like an embarrassed schoolboy, I could see.
He continued. "We'll have to briefly reconnect then, but the pathway is open now."
"Did you see inside my head?" I asked suddenly. I wasn't sure now if there wasn't some stuff in there I didn't want him to see.
The Doctor shook his head. "It's not like that. Not like... opening doors." I nodded. I understood what he meant. I wasn't a complete stranger to telepathic connection.
"I... saw inside your soul..." he said quietly. "And that's different."
I hesitated. It seemed like an odd question, but I asked it anyway. "And... did you like what you saw?"
I had always been so scared that... there was something bad inside me. Because of the way I used to be, the terrible things I've done in the past. Things I don't even know I've done, because of those missing two years of my memories.
I was scared there was something bad inside me, because when I die, sometimes I feel like there's something vengeful in the dark, waiting for me.
The Doctor laughed softly. "Yes, I did like what I saw," he said. My hand was still resting on his chest, and the Doctor placed his hand flat over mine, pressing it harder against himself. "It's as wonderful as I always knew it was," he said gently.
I swallowed. I felt a bit strange.
"Kiss me," the Doctor said suddenly. He seemed a little breathless. "I want to see if it feels different now."
This was... well, one of the moments I'd been waiting for, for a very long time. Funny, when something like that happens, it all seems so surreal, don't you think?
I briefly thought of Ianto. Even then, there was a slight pang of guilt. But he knew now, he'd given me his blessing. And... hell, this had been a long time coming. It was only right that I made this one count, right?
I shuffled further up to the Doctor, placed an arm around his shoulders, the other around his waist, and pulled him towards me. My hand slipped from his hip to cup his face. I tilted my head slightly, aware of every breath I took, of every minute movement I made.
When our lips met, the familiar sparks slipped and tickled their way down my spine, like something living.
I parted my lips softly, feeling the Doctor's mouth open under mine, willingly... even hungrily. I slipped my tongue tentatively over the crests of his teeth, slid it against a hot tongue that was just as eager to taste mine. He tasted of chocolate.
I kissed him deeply, felt the Doctor's hands clutch at my sleeves, at my shirt, anywhere he could get a tighter grip of me. At last, I pulled back slightly, until our mouths lost contact and I felt the heat of the Doctor's breath on my face as he sighed. After barely a pause I ran the tip of my tongue over his soft lips, pulling the bottom one into my mouth and sucking on it gently for a moment, until I heard him make a soft noise in the back of his throat. Releasing his lip, I pushed my mouth against his one more time, pressing hard, savouring the feel of the contact between us, and then finally I pulled away. The Doctor's mouth looked slightly reddened and swollen, and his eyes were closed. He was breathing a little heavily. His lips shone, moistened with my saliva.
I gave him a few seconds to recover.
"Well?" I grinned.
The Doctor opened his eyes, looked at me, cleared his throat. He looked a little flustered. I often have that effect on people.
"Um... well. Yes." He cleared his throat again.
"So how did it feel?" I asked softly.
He started to nod enthusiastically in that slightly manic way he had when he was feeling out of his depth. "It was... different. Yes. Well, when I say different, I mean... it was... hmm..." He started to grin a little as he trailed off and shuffled around in his seat.
"Speechless. I should mark this day down on the calendar," I said, a twinkle in my eye.
I leaned into him again. My arm was still around his shoulders. I slipped my hand from his face on to his thigh, and began to slide it slowly upwards towards his groin. I felt the Doctor tense, and abruptly stopped my hand from moving any further.
"Um. It's been… ever such a long time," he said. He sounded a little anxious. I nodded, and took my hand away from his thigh.
Down, boy.
"And when I say a long time… I mean…"
"There have been shorter ice ages?" I chuckled a little.
The Doctor looked serious. "I can barely even remember it. And… apart from that… thing is, Jack, with Time Lords, basically, when we regenerate… well. Our cells change. Everything is… renewed. Reborn, if you like."
Whoa.
I leaned back a little.
"So what you're telling me is that… even though you've… in a previous body, I mean…"
The Doctor nodded. There was a flush of pink in both his cheeks. "When I regenerate, everything is… brand new. And this body is… well…"
"Untouched." I swallowed. I hadn't really thought of it that way.
In this body, the Doctor was… well, I hadn't considered this before, but now it seemed rather obvious. He was… technically… a virgin.
"Untouched," I repeated, almost to myself. I felt a flush of heat envelop my entire body. I shuffled awkwardly in my seat. I was semi-aroused, and somehow now it felt a little inappropriate.
I looked at the Doctor. His eyes were… huge. I licked my lips. "Well… there's no rush. I mean… I've waited a couple of millennia for this; another few days won't make much difference, right?"
The Doctor smiled. He looked a bit relieved. I felt a pang of guilt. I had never wanted him to feel as though that was all I wanted from him.
I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips again, gently. "No pressure," I whispered. "Whenever you feel ready, okay?"
He nodded. "It won't be… long. I promise. It's just that... well, this is a bit… it's a big thing for me, Jack."
"I know, sweetheart..." I stopped. I hadn't meant that particular term of endearment to slip out, it was what I'd always called my lovers. Still, I suppose I had a right to call him that now. He didn't seem to mind. Either that, or he hadn't noticed.
"Thank you," he whispered. He closed the gap between us, and planted a brief peck on my lips.
When he drew back, I shifted in my seat again. Suddenly something struck me.
"Oh no…" I said. The Doctor's face fell.
"What's wrong?"
"I just realised something. Ianto is gonna kill me…"
The Doctor looked worried. "But... I thought you said..."
I shook my head grimly. "It's not that." I leaned back against my seat and released the Doctor from my grip.
I bit my lip. "I think I'm sitting on your chocolate."
There was a beat, and then the Doctor's shoulders started shaking.
God, but it was good to hear him laughing so uproariously.
In a way, it created a good diversion, as I had to go to the bathroom to clean myself up. I spent a lot of time at the sink splashing cold water over my face, trying to cool my ardour.
I gazed into the mirror of the medicine cabinet after I'd washed, thinking about the last time I was here, in this room, with the Doctor, and the circumstances leading up to me guiding him in here by the hand like a child at bath time. It seemed like such a long time ago.
The events of the evening had been… life changing. The Doctor was mine, now. And I was his. And I still had Ianto. It felt like all the riches of the world were mine.
And all I could think about, staring at my own face in the mirror, was to wonder how long I could keep hold of them.
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
<< Chapter Sixteen
<< Chapter Seventeen
<< Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight
Title: Belonging - Chapter Nineteen
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Ten/Jack (mentions of Jack/Ianto, Doctor/River, One/OC)
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 for adult situations (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: DW: Last of the Time Lords, Silence in the Library, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: slash (boykissing) | references to polyamory | angst
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
The Doctor smiled at last. "Shut up, and get over here, you impossible man."
Chapter Nineteen
Just finished reading through Ianto's entries in my Journal.
Well, that was... educational.
It's strange when two people who are supposedly a couple keep back so much from each other, both in the way of information and emotion.
It's mostly my fault, of course. And no, I'm not just blaming myself because it's 'what I do', as Ianto seems to think, but I know that it's this air of mystery that I surround myself with, this habit of being so damn enigmatic all the time, that makes people think that they can't talk to me, or that I'm not willing to share any of my emotions with anyone.
It's not a healthy thing, I know, but it's a long-standing habit that's hard to break. I'm trying to be better, but it's going to be a long haul.
I'm Captain Jack Harkness, and I am An Impossible Thing. If you're not used to that by now, you never will be.
Anyhow, I'm back in charge of this thing now, thank you very much, but the Doctor's idea was a good one. Ianto might have taken up far too much space in my journal (for such a quiet soul, he can rabbit on when he gets going, can't he?), but at least we know where we all stand, and we're all reading from the same page, pun very much intended.
Anyway, going back to where I had left off, after I caught Ianto and the Doctor together. Yes, I know I probably reacted to that a little more rudely than was called for. It wasn't that I was angry or jealous at Ianto and the Doctor spending some time together. In a way, I was really quite pleased about it. It was just a culmination of my frustration at the whole situation, annoyance at Ianto having blanked me so much lately, and the fact that his meetings with the Doctor had been conducted behind my back, and I don't like that.
Yeah, I'm a hypocrite. Sue me.
Once I'd got over that though, Ianto and I decided to lay all our cards on the table. I was... I'm going to say 'taken aback', but that doesn't really cover it, about how Ianto has handled all of this. I've tried to be fair to him throughout all of this, and God knows I love the man more than I can articulate with my clumsy words, but I never knew just how much I meant to him, not really.
After reading what Ianto has written, I'm more than a little touched at how he sees me and our relationship, but on the other hand, I'm also angry with him for being so down on himself. I thought I'd made it perfectly clear how special and important he is, not just to me on a personal level, but to the whole team. If he can't see that, then I've failed, haven't I? I felt so strongly, I actually annotated what he'd written at one point, and I could have continued, but then I felt like a teacher marking some kid's schoolwork, and so I stopped. (Yeah, that teacher's robe sounds pretty good, though.)
Anyway, I have made a very firm note to myself to give Ianto a stern talking to later, and I'm going to keep talking to him sternly until I've managed to convince him just how wonderful he is.
He does enjoy it when I'm stern with him, sometimes.
Such a lot has occurred since I last wrote in this journal, but I'll try to be brief as to some of the details, because there are a few points I'd like to elaborate on. Some very important things have happened over the last week or so, and I want to chronicle those particular events as thoroughly as I can.
Because… I think that maybe in the future, when I'm cold and lonely, as I shall no doubt eventually end up at some point, what I am about to write may just offer me a little warmth and comfort on a dark and loveless night.
***
Ianto and I had our little talk, as I mentioned. Ianto explained a little of how he'd felt when I'd told him about turning down the Doctor's proposal to bond with me, although I didn't get a full understanding of what was going through his head until I'd read what he'd written in my journal.
This entire situation is... hell, if I didn't laugh, I'd cry, so I'm choosing to laugh. It's insane, isn't it? Ianto is right though. I've always had a doubt about the choices I've made over the last few years. I don't think I ever even admitted that to myself until now.
I told the Doctor, after that year on the Valiant, that I'd had a lot of time to think, and that I knew I belonged with my team. That was mostly true, but what if there was just a tiny lurking doubt in the back of mind, asking if that was really what I wanted? Given the choice of being able to travel anywhere and anywhen with a man you hero-worship, or do a lot of good on one planet with a great bunch of people, what would you choose? A life of adventure or a life filled with responsibility and valour?
Or, if I were to see things on a purely emotional basis, did I choose to return to a man I thought I loved, or stay with a man I was hopelessly infatuated with?
There was always a doubt in my mind, I know that now. As much as I felt my place was here in Torchwood, that my duty was to protect the Earth, what always happened as soon as I caught a sniff of that wily Time Lord? I turned back into Fanboy.
That doubt has always been there, and maybe Ianto was right. Maybe now was the time for us to deal with it.
Because I just couldn't hurt him like that any more.
So Ianto told me what he was prepared to do. No, actually, what he wanted to do. Ianto proposed that we review our relationship rules, quite radically as it turned out, to enable me to have a relationship with the Doctor as well as Ianto.
I was full of reservations about that, and I said so. No doubt it was an amazingly attractive prospect, but Ianto has a jealous streak, there was no point in denying it, and I didn't want to cause any more aggravation between us. We have enough stress in our daily work without adding further angst to our private lives.
I told Ianto that I appreciated his intentions, but that it just wasn't going to work. I just wasn't sure Ianto had thought it through properly; that he wasn't prepared for how he might feel if it became a reality. I knew that even if Ianto said it was okay for me to see the Doctor on a non-platonic level, whenever I was with the Doctor, I'd feel as though I was being unfaithful to Ianto.
Then Ianto told me that he was well aware of that, which is why he'd decided that he wanted to bond with the Doctor too. I could hardly feel as though I was cheating on him if he was with the Doctor too. We'd be on an even footing.
It took a moment for me to get my head around that, which is something that surprised me. Did the thought of Ianto being intimate with the Doctor bother me in a way that none of my other relationships had before?
I'm still not sure, even now.
Above all else, I was worried that Ianto would be doing it just for me. It's a difficult step to go from being jealous of somebody to being in a relationship with them. And Ianto said that in the usual circumstances, I'd be right. But he'd changed his mind about the Doctor, for all sorts of different reasons, over the past week or so, and he thought he was ready to give a 'fifty first century relationship', as he calls it, a try.
Ianto said that he knew he and the Doctor had to get to know each other a lot better before they could take another step forward, we both knew that it was part of the bonding process. But Ianto said he couldn't expect me to wait for that to happen, so he was willing for me to bond with the Doctor straight away, if I still wanted to. Besides, he'd said with a cheeky smirk, if I didn't get a move on, he'd end up shagging the Doctor before I did.
I'd never known him be quite so adamant about wanting something before; there was a determined spark in his eyes that I've not seen there very often, and I've decided I rather like it.
So... we agreed to give it a go.
It's been over a week now. It's all going rather well, apart from a few teething problems. Ianto and I have agreed that we are each other's primary partners, and that if either of us should decide it wasn't working, then we would go back to being monogamous. We've also agreed to spread out our time with the Doctor, and with each other, as fairly as possible so that nobody feels neglected.
I never want to see that betrayed look in Ianto's eyes again.
On a positive note, it turns out that this way, Ianto and I are actually spending more quality time together than we used to before the Doctor turned up, and that we're focussing more on enjoying each other's company when we do.
As for the Doctor and me... you know those points I said I wanted to elaborate on?
Oh, man.
***
This was ridiculous. It was the most nervous I'd ever been before seeing the Doctor, even more nervous than the time I went to the TARDIS after he'd returned to the Hub after our big fight. And it wasn't as though I was about to deliver bad news. I was about to tell the Doctor what, I hoped, he wanted to hear.
Hell, for over two thousand years, I'd been waiting for this, dreaming about it, wishing for it. Fantasising over it. And I was about to get what I wanted. No wonder I was a little nervous, then.
As I entered the TARDIS, I felt a little frisson of... something. Excitement, I think. In the atmosphere. Maybe it was the TARDIS itself. If the TARDIS could be smug... she was being very smug right at that moment.
"Hey, you," I almost whispered.
I saw him, my beautiful Time Lord, leaning over the console of his ship; his face illuminated a warm shade of orange.
He looked up at me, his face impassive. He didn't reply.
Why did he look so deadpan? Why the silence? I never knew how to react at anything he did, these days. I frowned.
Then I realised he was chewing something.
He raised a hand, waved at me, and then pointed to the half-eaten bar of chocolate on the seat behind him.
He couldn't speak because he had a mouthful of chocolate. The chocolate I'd given him.
I don't know how something so simple could be so very endearing. All my nerves disappeared, and I felt my face break into such a big grin I could feel the muscles in my cheeks begin to complain.
I walked over to him resolutely, and took him into my arms. I felt like picking him up and swinging him round, but didn't want him to start choking on his chocolate, so I just held him tightly against me, felt his chin digging into my shoulder.
The Doctor swallowed, cleared his throat, and laughed softly. "What was that for?" he said into my ear, his voice sounding a little sticky.
I pulled back, smiling at him.
"I take it you and Ianto are... alright…?" he said, a little wide-eyed. I let him go, conscious of the fact that I was probably squeezing him too hard.
"Yeah. We're fine. Better than fine, in fact. Amazing. Brilliant." I accompanied the Doctor's favourite word with another wide grin.
The Doctor stuck his hands in his pockets and leaned back against the console while I told him what Ianto and I had discussed the night before, and what we had agreed.
There was a little pause.
"Does that... sound... okay to you?"
The Doctor sniffed. "I daresay we could give it a whirl, yeah." He had a twinkle in his eye.
"So... if you still want to, we can... uh... well, there's nothing stopping us now." I was a little surprised to realise I had a sheen of cold sweat on my forehead. All of a sudden, this all seemed a bit overwhelming.
The Doctor looked down at the ground, and then back up at me. His eyes were shining.
"Now?" he said.
I exhaled a gasp of nervous laughter. "No time like the present, I guess."
The Doctor smiled. This was really it, then.
"Should we... um... go somewhere…?" I realised I had no idea what this bonding procedure would entail.
The Doctor shrugged. "It doesn't call for a big ceremony or anything. Some people like to make a bit of a thing of it, I suppose, arrange to go somewhere inspiring, bring a picnic or something. Oh, River said we go on some sort of romantic picnic at some point. I wonder if that's where we..." he stopped and looked at me, abashed. "Sorry. I shouldn't...."
I shook my head. "It's fine. It doesn't bother me."
I reached out and took his hand. "Tell me about... your first. The... mother of your children. When you bonded with her, I mean."
The Doctor smiled, a little coyly. "We didn't make a big fuss. We took a walk just outside the Citadel. We sat down together in grass the colour of ripe strawberries, under an early morning sky. We watched the second sun of Gallifrey rise in the south, and it changed the colour of the leaves on the trees around us from silver to amber."
"It sounds beautiful."
The Doctor nodded. He looked half-happy, half-sad. "It was beautiful. She was beautiful. We watched the sun rise, and then we bonded, and then we kissed. Not our first, I might add."
"And then...?"
The Doctor smiled bashfully. "Nah. I know what you're thinking. It wasn't really... the done thing. Not… somewhere like that. Not on Gallifrey. We waited a few more days before we... y'know." He scraped his foot along the ground self-consciously.
Yeah. You know what I was thinking. Ah well. A man can hope, right?
I took a deep breath. "We don't have to go anywhere fancy, Doctor. I can't think of a more fitting place for us to bond than in this ship. And... I think right here. In this room. Just after you saved my life for the first time, I stood here and watched you dancing with Rose, back in 1941, remember?"
The Doctor smiled wistfully. Of course he remembered.
"I think that's when I first felt... something for you," I said softly. "I was envious. I wanted to dance with you. I'd already danced with Rose that night, it seemed only fair..."
I grinned at the Doctor, but he was already walking away from me. He stepped over to the seat by the console, and sat down. He looked at me expectantly.
I started to cross over to him, slowly. "So... we don't have to get naked for this, or anything?"
The Doctor shook his head. A corner of his mouth twitched, but his expression remained mostly serious.
"Ah well. You've gotta give me credit for trying."
The Doctor smiled at last. "Shut up, and get over here, you impossible man."
"Yes, sir." I sat down next to the Doctor. I looked serious now. "Sorry. Bit nervous, I guess."
The Doctor nodded. "There's no need. It won't hurt."
"I know it won't," I said simply.
I faced him, and then the Doctor cradled my face with both of his hands. His touch was cool against my skin as he arranged his fingers, his thumbs resting on my cheek bones, his index and middle fingers pressing lightly against my temples. I swallowed. I didn't know what to do with my hands, and so I folded them together awkwardly.
I stared at the Doctor, watching as his eyes slowly closed in concentration. His eyelashes were dark against his pale skin.
I could almost swear the lights dimmed slightly. I closed my eyes too. Everything around us seemed to fade away. I was very aware of my breathing, of the sound of my own heartbeat, of the touch of the Doctor's cool hands on my face.
For a moment there was nothing. I almost opened my eyes to ask if there was something wrong.
bright flare in my head, like a welcomed shaft of light in the darkness
I took in a surprised intake of breath, although it wasn't a sudden spark, like last time. It was softer, more controlled. White light began to permeate the darkness behind my closed eyelids, but I didn't open my eyes. I knew the light was nothing more than an illusion; it was inside my head.
And it was warm. Oh, God, so warm. Warm and gentle.
It put me in mind of when I was a little boy, being smothered in soft furs by my mother when I was cold.
A sensation like the comforting heat of sweet brandy slowly trickling into my belly.
...the arms of somebody who loves you, wrapping themselves around your body, soothing away pain and sorrow
...the emotive, gratifying feeling of knowing that you are understood and accepted for who you are
Almost unconsciously, I unfolded my hands, slipping the right one under the Doctor's unfastened jacket, sliding it smoothly against the cotton of his shirt and resting my palm flat against his chest. I could feel the double-thump of his heartsbeat.
I suppose, thinking about it now, it was an unconscious demonstration of what we are. The Doctor linked to me through my mind; I needed to make a connection with him through physical touch. I suppose that's how it had always been.
The light in my head got brighter and brighter and now... I could... I don't know. I could say that I could 'see' something behind the light, coming closer to me, but as it was all in my mind, I suppose anything I could relate to one of my bodily senses was merely illusion.
I could say that I felt warm, that I could see light, that I could hear a rush of white noise, but I don't suppose any of that would be accurate. The entire experience was... beyond words, really.
All I know is... after a few long moments of this warm, wonderful sensation... suddenly, the Doctor was there. He was in my mind. In my soul. I don't suppose he was reading my mind, and I certainly couldn't read his, but I knew the connection went both ways. He was there, with me, in my very heart. I felt... comforted. Safe. Loved.
It was... the most intimate, astonishing thing. More intimate than sex, in a way.
I opened my eyes. Everything seemed so still and calm around us, like we were in our own private bubble. The Doctor still had his eyes closed. He had a beatific smile on his face. I longed to kiss his eyelids, but I didn't want to break the spell.
I breathed out, slowly. My exhalation hitched a little as suddenly a wave of intense emotion crashed over me, like an aftershock. On the peripheral of my awareness, I felt the warm wetness of a tear roll down my face.
The Doctor opened his eyes and looked at me calmly, but didn't move his fingers away from my head.
"Are you okay?" he asked. At least... I think he said it out loud. It might have been in my head; I can't recall whether I saw his lips move or not.
"Yeah. Better than okay," I said softly. I smiled.
He took his fingers away from my temples, but not abruptly. He let his fingers trail softly down my face, pausing to wipe the tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb.
"Is that... it?" I asked. I didn't mean to sound disappointed, because I wasn't. I'd just expected it to be a little more... dramatic, I suppose.
The Doctor nodded. "Well... that's the initial connection. If we... when we... y'know..." he blushed. I smiled. It was going to take me a while to get him to talk about sex without reddening like an embarrassed schoolboy, I could see.
He continued. "We'll have to briefly reconnect then, but the pathway is open now."
"Did you see inside my head?" I asked suddenly. I wasn't sure now if there wasn't some stuff in there I didn't want him to see.
The Doctor shook his head. "It's not like that. Not like... opening doors." I nodded. I understood what he meant. I wasn't a complete stranger to telepathic connection.
"I... saw inside your soul..." he said quietly. "And that's different."
I hesitated. It seemed like an odd question, but I asked it anyway. "And... did you like what you saw?"
I had always been so scared that... there was something bad inside me. Because of the way I used to be, the terrible things I've done in the past. Things I don't even know I've done, because of those missing two years of my memories.
I was scared there was something bad inside me, because when I die, sometimes I feel like there's something vengeful in the dark, waiting for me.
The Doctor laughed softly. "Yes, I did like what I saw," he said. My hand was still resting on his chest, and the Doctor placed his hand flat over mine, pressing it harder against himself. "It's as wonderful as I always knew it was," he said gently.
I swallowed. I felt a bit strange.
"Kiss me," the Doctor said suddenly. He seemed a little breathless. "I want to see if it feels different now."
This was... well, one of the moments I'd been waiting for, for a very long time. Funny, when something like that happens, it all seems so surreal, don't you think?
I briefly thought of Ianto. Even then, there was a slight pang of guilt. But he knew now, he'd given me his blessing. And... hell, this had been a long time coming. It was only right that I made this one count, right?
I shuffled further up to the Doctor, placed an arm around his shoulders, the other around his waist, and pulled him towards me. My hand slipped from his hip to cup his face. I tilted my head slightly, aware of every breath I took, of every minute movement I made.
When our lips met, the familiar sparks slipped and tickled their way down my spine, like something living.
I parted my lips softly, feeling the Doctor's mouth open under mine, willingly... even hungrily. I slipped my tongue tentatively over the crests of his teeth, slid it against a hot tongue that was just as eager to taste mine. He tasted of chocolate.
I kissed him deeply, felt the Doctor's hands clutch at my sleeves, at my shirt, anywhere he could get a tighter grip of me. At last, I pulled back slightly, until our mouths lost contact and I felt the heat of the Doctor's breath on my face as he sighed. After barely a pause I ran the tip of my tongue over his soft lips, pulling the bottom one into my mouth and sucking on it gently for a moment, until I heard him make a soft noise in the back of his throat. Releasing his lip, I pushed my mouth against his one more time, pressing hard, savouring the feel of the contact between us, and then finally I pulled away. The Doctor's mouth looked slightly reddened and swollen, and his eyes were closed. He was breathing a little heavily. His lips shone, moistened with my saliva.
I gave him a few seconds to recover.
"Well?" I grinned.
The Doctor opened his eyes, looked at me, cleared his throat. He looked a little flustered. I often have that effect on people.
"Um... well. Yes." He cleared his throat again.
"So how did it feel?" I asked softly.
He started to nod enthusiastically in that slightly manic way he had when he was feeling out of his depth. "It was... different. Yes. Well, when I say different, I mean... it was... hmm..." He started to grin a little as he trailed off and shuffled around in his seat.
"Speechless. I should mark this day down on the calendar," I said, a twinkle in my eye.
I leaned into him again. My arm was still around his shoulders. I slipped my hand from his face on to his thigh, and began to slide it slowly upwards towards his groin. I felt the Doctor tense, and abruptly stopped my hand from moving any further.
"Um. It's been… ever such a long time," he said. He sounded a little anxious. I nodded, and took my hand away from his thigh.
Down, boy.
"And when I say a long time… I mean…"
"There have been shorter ice ages?" I chuckled a little.
The Doctor looked serious. "I can barely even remember it. And… apart from that… thing is, Jack, with Time Lords, basically, when we regenerate… well. Our cells change. Everything is… renewed. Reborn, if you like."
Whoa.
I leaned back a little.
"So what you're telling me is that… even though you've… in a previous body, I mean…"
The Doctor nodded. There was a flush of pink in both his cheeks. "When I regenerate, everything is… brand new. And this body is… well…"
"Untouched." I swallowed. I hadn't really thought of it that way.
In this body, the Doctor was… well, I hadn't considered this before, but now it seemed rather obvious. He was… technically… a virgin.
"Untouched," I repeated, almost to myself. I felt a flush of heat envelop my entire body. I shuffled awkwardly in my seat. I was semi-aroused, and somehow now it felt a little inappropriate.
I looked at the Doctor. His eyes were… huge. I licked my lips. "Well… there's no rush. I mean… I've waited a couple of millennia for this; another few days won't make much difference, right?"
The Doctor smiled. He looked a bit relieved. I felt a pang of guilt. I had never wanted him to feel as though that was all I wanted from him.
I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips again, gently. "No pressure," I whispered. "Whenever you feel ready, okay?"
He nodded. "It won't be… long. I promise. It's just that... well, this is a bit… it's a big thing for me, Jack."
"I know, sweetheart..." I stopped. I hadn't meant that particular term of endearment to slip out, it was what I'd always called my lovers. Still, I suppose I had a right to call him that now. He didn't seem to mind. Either that, or he hadn't noticed.
"Thank you," he whispered. He closed the gap between us, and planted a brief peck on my lips.
When he drew back, I shifted in my seat again. Suddenly something struck me.
"Oh no…" I said. The Doctor's face fell.
"What's wrong?"
"I just realised something. Ianto is gonna kill me…"
The Doctor looked worried. "But... I thought you said..."
I shook my head grimly. "It's not that." I leaned back against my seat and released the Doctor from my grip.
I bit my lip. "I think I'm sitting on your chocolate."
There was a beat, and then the Doctor's shoulders started shaking.
God, but it was good to hear him laughing so uproariously.
In a way, it created a good diversion, as I had to go to the bathroom to clean myself up. I spent a lot of time at the sink splashing cold water over my face, trying to cool my ardour.
I gazed into the mirror of the medicine cabinet after I'd washed, thinking about the last time I was here, in this room, with the Doctor, and the circumstances leading up to me guiding him in here by the hand like a child at bath time. It seemed like such a long time ago.
The events of the evening had been… life changing. The Doctor was mine, now. And I was his. And I still had Ianto. It felt like all the riches of the world were mine.
And all I could think about, staring at my own face in the mirror, was to wonder how long I could keep hold of them.
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
<< Chapter Sixteen
<< Chapter Seventeen
<< Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight