Belonging: Chapter Nine
Title: Belonging - Chapter Nine
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Jack/Ianto, mentions of Ten/Rose
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 for language (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: TW: End of Days, Fragments, Exit Wounds / DW: Parting of the Ways, Utopia, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: Non-explicit m/m slash | angst
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"Nothing is going to come between us. Not even the Doctor "
Chapter Nine
Ianto had gone home. Knowing I'd be spending the evening with the Doctor, or so he thought, he'd probably decided not to hang around in case I thought he was checking up on me, or something.
I didn't know what to do. I guessed I could phone him, and he'd come running, but for now I just needed to take a few moments; clear my head.
I entered my office and sat in the chair with a slump. I glanced across at the other chair, the one that I had gently herded the Doctor into and listened while he told me his troubles, all those weeks ago. My heart had twisted for him that night; my soul had ached because he was in pain. I'd have done anything to make him feel better, anything.
I thought I'd done the best I could these past few weeks, but clearly I didn't know anything about the man.
I looked away from the empty seat and instead looked at the coral-like substance on my desk, under the heat lamp. A piece of the TARDIS. I found myself transfixed by it, just thinking.
I'd looked at that pale orange alien substance so many times, while I was living through the 20th century, waiting for the Doctor to turn up in Cardiff to refuel the TARDIS via the Rift.
I'd had half an idea that if for some reason he never arrived, or if I got too tired of waiting for him, I could use it to grow my own space/time machine; nothing as grand as the real TARDIS, but it might have been enough for me to rig something up that would enable me to find the Doctor.
It wasn't such an unbelievable notion; the Doctor told me once that that was how the TARDIS had been grown in the first place. The only sticking point was that it would take several hundreds of years to grow into something I could use. It's not like I didn't have the time to spare, I used to think, but the thought of waiting that long to see the Doctor again used to depress me.
I hadn't needed to do it that way, of course. A mere century, and he'd turned right up on my doorstep, and I'd grabbed my backpack and abandoned my team without so much as a goodbye, all because of him.
And what had the Doctor done? He'd pretended he hadn't seen me and ran away. Even the TARDIS hated me enough back then to try and shake me off, escaping to the end of the universe as I held on to the burning shell of the Police Box, being tumbled through the vortex like an ice cube in a cocktail shaker.
And that was after the Doctor had already abandoned me on the Gamestation in the first place. Took the apple of his eye, his precious Rose, and just left me. He hadn't even had the decency to keep the same face so that I could have the satisfaction of hitting it once I did find him.
The Doctor had let me down before, and yet I'd never felt more hurt and bewildered by his actions as I did now.
What did I used to say, when I was drunk and dejected, living rough in Victorian Cardiff? Before Torchwood found me.
You wait 'til I see the Doctor; first I'm going to kiss him, and then I'm going to kill him.
That was how I felt about the Doctor at that moment. I was so angry at him, and yet there'd been something in his eyes, in his voice, that betrayed that what he was saying was true, that he hadn't realised he'd been doing anything wrong, and I was already beginning to feel guilty for talking to him the way I did, for the harsh things I'd said.
But surely, even the Doctor had to have some grasp of a person's right to privacy… a sense of what was appropriate and what wasn't. It didn't make any sense.
And then there was that kiss. I'd longed for it to happen for as long as I'd known the Doctor, and when it did… I'd freaked out, pushed him away. It wasn't as though I didn't want it to happen, it wasn't that I didn't want him. Oh God, no. I wanted him alright. Wanted him so badly it hurt. I always had. So why push him away?
Because I couldn't believe it was for real? Because it felt like I was cheating on Ianto? Or because I'd wanted it so much, for so long, that the reality of it actually happening scared me? I didn't know.
I could still feel him in my arms, could still taste him. The Doctor's lips… the heat of his tongue in my mouth...
Oh, God.
All those thoughts were running round and round my head. I needed to talk to somebody, to listen to the voice of reason.
So I took the mobile phone out of my pocket, and dialled Ianto's number.
***
I walked slowly though the neat, magnolia-painted hallway and up the staircase to Ianto's first floor flat. He was standing in the open doorway waiting for me, leaning against the frame. He looked strange in his casual gear, a green t-shirt and faded jeans. There was a look of curious concern on his face as I approached.
I probably hadn't made much sense on the phone, but I must have sounded upset; Ianto said not to move and he'd be over as soon as he could, but instead I said I'd come to his flat. I needed to get out of the Hub.
I'd walked briskly and it had only taken me twenty minutes, and the fine, cool, late evening drizzle on my face had actually made me feel a little calmer.
Ianto greeted me with a warm kiss on the cheek. "You're all damp," he said with a wrinkled nose and a smile, but I was too shaken up to respond.
Instead I made my way inside, took off my clammy coat and flung it uncaringly on the back of a chair, and slumped onto Ianto's couch. The TV was on, but muted, and Ianto turned it off as he followed me inside. It was warmly lit in his living room, all pastel colours and minimalist furniture.
It turned out that Ianto was about to settle down to watch some tacky zombie movie on DVD with a couple of beers for company, when I'd phoned.
Ianto sat beside me on the couch and clasped his hands in front of him. "So… you say you had a fight with the Doctor?"
I hadn't really given him any more details than that. It probably sounded a little stupid now that I had calmed down, I suppose. It wasn't really a fight; I'd raged at the Doctor, while he'd just cried and pleaded. I felt pretty uncomfortable about that now. But I wasn't sure how Ianto was going to react to the news about the kiss… and the revelations about the CCTV incident.
I told him what had happened, pretty much from the moment I'd walked into the TARDIS. Everything about the Weevils, and how it had transpired that the Doctor had been hacking into Torchwood's confidential files. Ianto had raised an eyebrow over that, as though taking it as a personal insult, given how meticulous he was about security issues.
When I got to the part where the Doctor had tried and… well, pretty much succeeded, in kissing me, I watched Ianto's face very carefully. I'd made it very clear that although it had taken me by surprise and it had carried on for a few seconds, I'd stopped it before it had gone any further.
Ianto didn't say anything.
I could feel my face reddening. "Ianto, I swear, I didn't…"
Ianto just nodded. "Go on, what happened next?" he said. I couldn’t gauge any sort of emotion from his voice or facial expression, so after a second I continued.
I told him about the Doctor watching us have sex on CCTV. Ianto's eyes widened, and then, incredibly, he laughed, even it did come out sounding slightly scandalised.
"Oh my God. As if your amazing, heavenly Doctor isn't just an old perv!"
I scowled. "Ianto, please…" I know that's how it seemed, but it still didn't seem right to call the Doctor that.
Ianto's smile faded and then he looked solemn. "Sorry. I didn't mean that, I was just..." he shook his head.
"It's not funny."
Ianto took my hand. He wasn't that mad at me about the kiss, then.
"Look," he said. "I know how it seems. And I can see why you're so... confused and shocked. Considering that… well, I don't know that much about the Doctor, but he's always seemed so... I dunno. Asexual."
I considered. "Really?"
I'd always thought the Doctor was shy and uncertain about showing any personal feelings, certainly, but I'd always recognised a boyish sexiness about him. There were even times when I found him to be a little flirty. Or was I just biased because I was so attracted to him? Was all that playful flirting we'd shared just a silly game to him? Had he really just been humouring me all this time?
"Come on, I mean... I only caught sight of that... Rose, is it? On a computer screen. But you have to admit, she's pretty hot." Ianto blushed.
I grinned a little. "Yeah. I guess." And such an excellent bottom, too.
"So... you've got this young, attractive blonde who is madly in love with the Doctor, spending 24 hours a day with him for all that time, and from what you say, the Doctor had this major thing for her, too. And yet during all their time together, he never even kissed her?"
I frowned. "He's shown signs of being physically attracted to people. I've known him to flirt. And I'm sure he's kissed some people, at least…"
Ianto raised an eyebrow. "You mean people have kissed him. And even if he looked like he didn't mind it so much, you have to admit; he doesn't react like any other man would to that sort of thing."
I sat and pondered that for a moment while Ianto got up and went into the kitchen. He came back and handed me a chilled can of beer. I wouldn't normally indulge, but I took a big sip of it without thinking. It felt cool on my throat. Soothing.
"So what you're saying is... the Doctor isn't... Well, he's receptive to affection, that's never been in doubt. He's not averse to physical contact, and he's always up for a hug. But you don't think he's... you honestly think him watching us have sex was just some sort of... instructional video to him?"
"Nothing more than visual information," Ianto said. "Just like all the rest of the Torchwood files. Isn't that what he was implying?"
I took a breath. "I guess so. But then... why would he want to learn about...? I don't get it."
Ianto got up and sat in front of me, cross-legged on the floor. He looked funny, sitting in such an informal position.
"Okay, let's take stock of the situation."
I nodded, eager for some suggested answers when I had none of my own.
"One. The Doctor has had some sort of emotional breakdown. Which, given he's been through so much shit, isn't such a big shock, right?"
I nodded.
"Which is making him... vulnerable. Insecure. Making him act in a way he normally wouldn't." Ianto looked thoughtful.
"Okay."
"Two. He needs... something. Something to make him feel better. Something to cling to."
I shrugged. "I guess."
"Three. He's decided that what he needs is… well, you."
I shook my head. "But me... how? Why? What does he need from me that I haven't already given him?"
Ianto steepled his fingers together and looked down at them.
"What you give me, I suppose."
I opened my mouth, and closed it again. "You mean... no. No! I mean... if there was anyone, it's Rose. It's always been Rose."
"And Rose is out of the picture. I think he realises that. Whether it was a choice he regrets or not, is irrelevant isn't it? She's got someone else now. She's happy, and he can never go back." Ianto was looking at me, with a hint of sadness in his eyes. "And why didn't he grab the chance to be with her when he had it?"
"Because... because he couldn't bear to see her wither in front of his eyes. He would have found it too painful. The Doctor will just live on, and..." I trailed off.
Ianto nodded. "Yeah. And if that's the problem, then doesn't he need someone who isn't going to grow old and die?"
I gazed at Ianto. I swallowed. "Ianto, I..."
"He loves you," said Ianto gently. "He's just confused about how to tell you, how to show it. That's what it must be."
Ianto looked up at me. But his eyes were understanding, not bitter. "And you love him."
I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't deny it.
I opened my eyes and gazed at his handsome face. "Ianto. I... wouldn't. I mean, me and you, we're..."
Ianto got up from his sitting position and shuffled forwards so that he was kneeling in front of me instead. "Its okay, Jack," he said with a small, sweet smile. "I'm not saying me and you have no future. And I'm not saying that you don't love me too. I mean... I think you..."
"I do," I said. I touched his face. "I'm shit at saying it, but I do. Love you, I mean. And that's not going to change. I swear. Nothing is going to come between us. Not even the Doctor."
Ianto took a breath. "All I'm saying is... like I said to you, weeks ago. The Doctor is... some mystical being. He's an alien, and he's amazing. He's got this... I dunno. Aura about him. Something about him makes people fall at his feet, and he doesn't even realise it."
Ianto was even more perceptive than I gave him credit for.
"If you feel that way about the Doctor, then I can't say I'm surprised, or shocked."
I shook my head. "I can't believe you're being so… I mean, I always thought you were jealous…"
Ianto shrugged, looking a little uncomfortable. "I was," he said. "I… still am, I suppose. But recently, I've been thinking that I should try not to let it get the better of me so much. This is different. This is… the Doctor. I know how much he means to you. And..." he held up a hand at my protestations. "I know you haven't done anything you shouldn't have. We have boundaries, and believe it or not, I do trust you." He had a twinkle in his eye. "To a point."
Ha.
"I don't know whether it's his species... or... his personality, or... all his heroic deeds, or just the fact that nobody can fathom him out. Maybe he just wears some really hot aftershave."
I raised my eyebrow.
Ianto smiled, looking a little embarrassed. "Why do you think I've resisted spending much time with him so far?"
I barked out a slightly shocked laugh. "Because you're worried you might fall for him too?"
Ianto cleared his throat and looked away.
I started laughing properly, then. The entire evening had been like a surreal dream. Suddenly the whole situation seemed hilarious. I started laughing and couldn't stop, to the point where it infected Ianto and we sat and giggled hysterically like a pair of idiots.
At last, I calmed down and wiped at my eyes. "Ianto, you never fail to surprise me."
He shrugged but was still smiling, although he still looked a little anxious at how I might react now I'd taken in what he said.
"I guess I'd better keep an eye on you two then, right?" I said gently. I had never been the jealous type myself.
Ianto looked down, embarrassed. "I was only kidding…"
Liar.
I leaned forward and kissed his forehead.
Ianto took that as the only reaction he was going to get out of me, and continued. "So… now we've come up with some theories, and it might not be the end of the world after all, don't you think you should go back to see him?"
I rubbed my face wearily. "I was just so pissed off. You can see why, can't you? I wasn't overreacting, was I?"
Ianto shook his head. So he agreed that my indignation was understandable. But on the other hand, Ianto hadn't seemed that bothered about the Doctor's covert voyeurism. I wondered briefly if he'd even found the idea a bit of a turn-on.
Now that was something I intended to explore at a later date.
I drained the rest of my beer. I knew what Ianto was going to suggest next, and I think I subconsciously decided I might need a touch of Dutch courage.
"I think you should let him try to explain himself," said Ianto carefully. "You owe him that, if nothing else, surely?"
I sighed. "I know. It's just… I said some pretty harsh things to him."
Ianto squeezed my arm. "He'll understand, I'm sure. You reacted like most people would have, but when you consider what he's done, I think there's something you haven't taken into account."
"What?"
"The Doctor isn't human."
***
I'd persuaded Ianto to come back to the Hub with me. Even if he just stayed upstairs while the Doctor and I talked, I felt better knowing he was near.
As we walked through the rain-soaked streets, Ianto with a thick woollen coat over his t-shirt and holding a huge black umbrella over the both of us, I began to realise that Ianto was right.
I had been shocked and disappointed by discovering what the Doctor had done, but I had been seeing it from a human's point of view. I didn't know enough about Time Lords to know what quirks of their behaviour were deemed acceptable within their society, and what weren't.
The Doctor had spent enough time around humans to pick up some of the local customs, slang and behavioural characteristics. But I was pretty sure by now that, despite appearing somewhat eccentric at times, a lot of the things he did and said were merely his own imitations of the actions of those around him. The Doctor did his best to blend in, to avoid making his friends feel uncomfortable.
But the Doctor wasn't, as Ianto had so wisely pointed out, human. And sometimes I think I forgot that.
However, human or not, the Doctor had feelings. I thought about how anxious I'd made him, and never mind how he'd felt at my spurning his, let's face it, sweet advances towards me. Whether those advances were real, or borne out of an attempt to repay me, I suppose I could have been a little kinder.
At least all the Doctor had done was appear confused and disappointed. The last time I'd rejected somebody's affections, they'd shot me dead with a couple of machine guns.
Maybe this time, I could explain why I had reacted the way I had. Apologise for how I'd handled the situation, at least.
Also, I was a little worried about what had happened as I left. The TARDIS had thrown some kind of fit. There had been real fear and panic in the Doctor's eyes, and all I'd done was ignore his pleas and turned my back on him. I should never have done that, no matter what the circumstances. As we reached the Hub, I felt a pang of regret, and more than a little worry.
I hadn’t really stopped to wonder how the Doctor, in his confused and vulnerable emotional state, might react to what had happened between us once I'd left him alone.
I turned to Ianto as he shook off his umbrella.
"I'm gonna go straight down and make sure he's okay. I might bring him up here, for some tea. Will you be okay with that? You won't try to seduce him or anything, will you?" I gave him a small grin. Fraught circumstances or not, I couldn't resist teasing him a little.
Ianto flapped his folded-up coat at me admonishingly.
"Go. Tell him you're sorry for being such an insufferable prat."
I headed towards the stairwell to the basement storage areas at almost a run.
A few moments later, as I reached the final few steps down into area 5B, I realised that something was wrong.
It was dark down there. Pitch black, in fact.
Not wanting to waste time going back upstairs to switch on the lights, I fumbled for my torch. As I reached the final step, I realised why it was so dark and suddenly felt a terrible sense of foreboding. Usually, there was a dim light emanating from inside the Police Box, enough to see by, at least.
But as I swept the beam of the torch along the ground where the tall blue box had previously been standing, all I could see now was the faint impression of a large square; a slightly lighter patch where a month's worth of dust had been unable to gather.
I leaned back against the damp stone wall and closed my eyes.
The TARDIS had gone.
To be continued
Author's Notes: Another Doctor-lite episode I'm afraid, although he's certainly there in spirit.
The coral under the heat lamp on Jack's desk is canon (it's really there, go look) but Ianto's flat (apartment) is entirely made up. (Hey TW producers: everybody else's flat/house gets shown, why not Ianto's?)
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
>> Chapter Ten
>> Chapter Eleven
>> Chapter Twelve
>> Chapter Thirteen
>> Chapter Fourteen
>> Chapter Fifteen
>> Chapter Sixteen
>> Chapter Seventeen
>> Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Nineteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Jack/Ianto, mentions of Ten/Rose
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 for language (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: TW: End of Days, Fragments, Exit Wounds / DW: Parting of the Ways, Utopia, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: Non-explicit m/m slash | angst
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"Nothing is going to come between us. Not even the Doctor "
Chapter Nine
Ianto had gone home. Knowing I'd be spending the evening with the Doctor, or so he thought, he'd probably decided not to hang around in case I thought he was checking up on me, or something.
I didn't know what to do. I guessed I could phone him, and he'd come running, but for now I just needed to take a few moments; clear my head.
I entered my office and sat in the chair with a slump. I glanced across at the other chair, the one that I had gently herded the Doctor into and listened while he told me his troubles, all those weeks ago. My heart had twisted for him that night; my soul had ached because he was in pain. I'd have done anything to make him feel better, anything.
I thought I'd done the best I could these past few weeks, but clearly I didn't know anything about the man.
I looked away from the empty seat and instead looked at the coral-like substance on my desk, under the heat lamp. A piece of the TARDIS. I found myself transfixed by it, just thinking.
I'd looked at that pale orange alien substance so many times, while I was living through the 20th century, waiting for the Doctor to turn up in Cardiff to refuel the TARDIS via the Rift.
I'd had half an idea that if for some reason he never arrived, or if I got too tired of waiting for him, I could use it to grow my own space/time machine; nothing as grand as the real TARDIS, but it might have been enough for me to rig something up that would enable me to find the Doctor.
It wasn't such an unbelievable notion; the Doctor told me once that that was how the TARDIS had been grown in the first place. The only sticking point was that it would take several hundreds of years to grow into something I could use. It's not like I didn't have the time to spare, I used to think, but the thought of waiting that long to see the Doctor again used to depress me.
I hadn't needed to do it that way, of course. A mere century, and he'd turned right up on my doorstep, and I'd grabbed my backpack and abandoned my team without so much as a goodbye, all because of him.
And what had the Doctor done? He'd pretended he hadn't seen me and ran away. Even the TARDIS hated me enough back then to try and shake me off, escaping to the end of the universe as I held on to the burning shell of the Police Box, being tumbled through the vortex like an ice cube in a cocktail shaker.
And that was after the Doctor had already abandoned me on the Gamestation in the first place. Took the apple of his eye, his precious Rose, and just left me. He hadn't even had the decency to keep the same face so that I could have the satisfaction of hitting it once I did find him.
The Doctor had let me down before, and yet I'd never felt more hurt and bewildered by his actions as I did now.
What did I used to say, when I was drunk and dejected, living rough in Victorian Cardiff? Before Torchwood found me.
You wait 'til I see the Doctor; first I'm going to kiss him, and then I'm going to kill him.
That was how I felt about the Doctor at that moment. I was so angry at him, and yet there'd been something in his eyes, in his voice, that betrayed that what he was saying was true, that he hadn't realised he'd been doing anything wrong, and I was already beginning to feel guilty for talking to him the way I did, for the harsh things I'd said.
But surely, even the Doctor had to have some grasp of a person's right to privacy… a sense of what was appropriate and what wasn't. It didn't make any sense.
And then there was that kiss. I'd longed for it to happen for as long as I'd known the Doctor, and when it did… I'd freaked out, pushed him away. It wasn't as though I didn't want it to happen, it wasn't that I didn't want him. Oh God, no. I wanted him alright. Wanted him so badly it hurt. I always had. So why push him away?
Because I couldn't believe it was for real? Because it felt like I was cheating on Ianto? Or because I'd wanted it so much, for so long, that the reality of it actually happening scared me? I didn't know.
I could still feel him in my arms, could still taste him. The Doctor's lips… the heat of his tongue in my mouth...
Oh, God.
All those thoughts were running round and round my head. I needed to talk to somebody, to listen to the voice of reason.
So I took the mobile phone out of my pocket, and dialled Ianto's number.
***
I walked slowly though the neat, magnolia-painted hallway and up the staircase to Ianto's first floor flat. He was standing in the open doorway waiting for me, leaning against the frame. He looked strange in his casual gear, a green t-shirt and faded jeans. There was a look of curious concern on his face as I approached.
I probably hadn't made much sense on the phone, but I must have sounded upset; Ianto said not to move and he'd be over as soon as he could, but instead I said I'd come to his flat. I needed to get out of the Hub.
I'd walked briskly and it had only taken me twenty minutes, and the fine, cool, late evening drizzle on my face had actually made me feel a little calmer.
Ianto greeted me with a warm kiss on the cheek. "You're all damp," he said with a wrinkled nose and a smile, but I was too shaken up to respond.
Instead I made my way inside, took off my clammy coat and flung it uncaringly on the back of a chair, and slumped onto Ianto's couch. The TV was on, but muted, and Ianto turned it off as he followed me inside. It was warmly lit in his living room, all pastel colours and minimalist furniture.
It turned out that Ianto was about to settle down to watch some tacky zombie movie on DVD with a couple of beers for company, when I'd phoned.
Ianto sat beside me on the couch and clasped his hands in front of him. "So… you say you had a fight with the Doctor?"
I hadn't really given him any more details than that. It probably sounded a little stupid now that I had calmed down, I suppose. It wasn't really a fight; I'd raged at the Doctor, while he'd just cried and pleaded. I felt pretty uncomfortable about that now. But I wasn't sure how Ianto was going to react to the news about the kiss… and the revelations about the CCTV incident.
I told him what had happened, pretty much from the moment I'd walked into the TARDIS. Everything about the Weevils, and how it had transpired that the Doctor had been hacking into Torchwood's confidential files. Ianto had raised an eyebrow over that, as though taking it as a personal insult, given how meticulous he was about security issues.
When I got to the part where the Doctor had tried and… well, pretty much succeeded, in kissing me, I watched Ianto's face very carefully. I'd made it very clear that although it had taken me by surprise and it had carried on for a few seconds, I'd stopped it before it had gone any further.
Ianto didn't say anything.
I could feel my face reddening. "Ianto, I swear, I didn't…"
Ianto just nodded. "Go on, what happened next?" he said. I couldn’t gauge any sort of emotion from his voice or facial expression, so after a second I continued.
I told him about the Doctor watching us have sex on CCTV. Ianto's eyes widened, and then, incredibly, he laughed, even it did come out sounding slightly scandalised.
"Oh my God. As if your amazing, heavenly Doctor isn't just an old perv!"
I scowled. "Ianto, please…" I know that's how it seemed, but it still didn't seem right to call the Doctor that.
Ianto's smile faded and then he looked solemn. "Sorry. I didn't mean that, I was just..." he shook his head.
"It's not funny."
Ianto took my hand. He wasn't that mad at me about the kiss, then.
"Look," he said. "I know how it seems. And I can see why you're so... confused and shocked. Considering that… well, I don't know that much about the Doctor, but he's always seemed so... I dunno. Asexual."
I considered. "Really?"
I'd always thought the Doctor was shy and uncertain about showing any personal feelings, certainly, but I'd always recognised a boyish sexiness about him. There were even times when I found him to be a little flirty. Or was I just biased because I was so attracted to him? Was all that playful flirting we'd shared just a silly game to him? Had he really just been humouring me all this time?
"Come on, I mean... I only caught sight of that... Rose, is it? On a computer screen. But you have to admit, she's pretty hot." Ianto blushed.
I grinned a little. "Yeah. I guess." And such an excellent bottom, too.
"So... you've got this young, attractive blonde who is madly in love with the Doctor, spending 24 hours a day with him for all that time, and from what you say, the Doctor had this major thing for her, too. And yet during all their time together, he never even kissed her?"
I frowned. "He's shown signs of being physically attracted to people. I've known him to flirt. And I'm sure he's kissed some people, at least…"
Ianto raised an eyebrow. "You mean people have kissed him. And even if he looked like he didn't mind it so much, you have to admit; he doesn't react like any other man would to that sort of thing."
I sat and pondered that for a moment while Ianto got up and went into the kitchen. He came back and handed me a chilled can of beer. I wouldn't normally indulge, but I took a big sip of it without thinking. It felt cool on my throat. Soothing.
"So what you're saying is... the Doctor isn't... Well, he's receptive to affection, that's never been in doubt. He's not averse to physical contact, and he's always up for a hug. But you don't think he's... you honestly think him watching us have sex was just some sort of... instructional video to him?"
"Nothing more than visual information," Ianto said. "Just like all the rest of the Torchwood files. Isn't that what he was implying?"
I took a breath. "I guess so. But then... why would he want to learn about...? I don't get it."
Ianto got up and sat in front of me, cross-legged on the floor. He looked funny, sitting in such an informal position.
"Okay, let's take stock of the situation."
I nodded, eager for some suggested answers when I had none of my own.
"One. The Doctor has had some sort of emotional breakdown. Which, given he's been through so much shit, isn't such a big shock, right?"
I nodded.
"Which is making him... vulnerable. Insecure. Making him act in a way he normally wouldn't." Ianto looked thoughtful.
"Okay."
"Two. He needs... something. Something to make him feel better. Something to cling to."
I shrugged. "I guess."
"Three. He's decided that what he needs is… well, you."
I shook my head. "But me... how? Why? What does he need from me that I haven't already given him?"
Ianto steepled his fingers together and looked down at them.
"What you give me, I suppose."
I opened my mouth, and closed it again. "You mean... no. No! I mean... if there was anyone, it's Rose. It's always been Rose."
"And Rose is out of the picture. I think he realises that. Whether it was a choice he regrets or not, is irrelevant isn't it? She's got someone else now. She's happy, and he can never go back." Ianto was looking at me, with a hint of sadness in his eyes. "And why didn't he grab the chance to be with her when he had it?"
"Because... because he couldn't bear to see her wither in front of his eyes. He would have found it too painful. The Doctor will just live on, and..." I trailed off.
Ianto nodded. "Yeah. And if that's the problem, then doesn't he need someone who isn't going to grow old and die?"
I gazed at Ianto. I swallowed. "Ianto, I..."
"He loves you," said Ianto gently. "He's just confused about how to tell you, how to show it. That's what it must be."
Ianto looked up at me. But his eyes were understanding, not bitter. "And you love him."
I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't deny it.
I opened my eyes and gazed at his handsome face. "Ianto. I... wouldn't. I mean, me and you, we're..."
Ianto got up from his sitting position and shuffled forwards so that he was kneeling in front of me instead. "Its okay, Jack," he said with a small, sweet smile. "I'm not saying me and you have no future. And I'm not saying that you don't love me too. I mean... I think you..."
"I do," I said. I touched his face. "I'm shit at saying it, but I do. Love you, I mean. And that's not going to change. I swear. Nothing is going to come between us. Not even the Doctor."
Ianto took a breath. "All I'm saying is... like I said to you, weeks ago. The Doctor is... some mystical being. He's an alien, and he's amazing. He's got this... I dunno. Aura about him. Something about him makes people fall at his feet, and he doesn't even realise it."
Ianto was even more perceptive than I gave him credit for.
"If you feel that way about the Doctor, then I can't say I'm surprised, or shocked."
I shook my head. "I can't believe you're being so… I mean, I always thought you were jealous…"
Ianto shrugged, looking a little uncomfortable. "I was," he said. "I… still am, I suppose. But recently, I've been thinking that I should try not to let it get the better of me so much. This is different. This is… the Doctor. I know how much he means to you. And..." he held up a hand at my protestations. "I know you haven't done anything you shouldn't have. We have boundaries, and believe it or not, I do trust you." He had a twinkle in his eye. "To a point."
Ha.
"I don't know whether it's his species... or... his personality, or... all his heroic deeds, or just the fact that nobody can fathom him out. Maybe he just wears some really hot aftershave."
I raised my eyebrow.
Ianto smiled, looking a little embarrassed. "Why do you think I've resisted spending much time with him so far?"
I barked out a slightly shocked laugh. "Because you're worried you might fall for him too?"
Ianto cleared his throat and looked away.
I started laughing properly, then. The entire evening had been like a surreal dream. Suddenly the whole situation seemed hilarious. I started laughing and couldn't stop, to the point where it infected Ianto and we sat and giggled hysterically like a pair of idiots.
At last, I calmed down and wiped at my eyes. "Ianto, you never fail to surprise me."
He shrugged but was still smiling, although he still looked a little anxious at how I might react now I'd taken in what he said.
"I guess I'd better keep an eye on you two then, right?" I said gently. I had never been the jealous type myself.
Ianto looked down, embarrassed. "I was only kidding…"
Liar.
I leaned forward and kissed his forehead.
Ianto took that as the only reaction he was going to get out of me, and continued. "So… now we've come up with some theories, and it might not be the end of the world after all, don't you think you should go back to see him?"
I rubbed my face wearily. "I was just so pissed off. You can see why, can't you? I wasn't overreacting, was I?"
Ianto shook his head. So he agreed that my indignation was understandable. But on the other hand, Ianto hadn't seemed that bothered about the Doctor's covert voyeurism. I wondered briefly if he'd even found the idea a bit of a turn-on.
Now that was something I intended to explore at a later date.
I drained the rest of my beer. I knew what Ianto was going to suggest next, and I think I subconsciously decided I might need a touch of Dutch courage.
"I think you should let him try to explain himself," said Ianto carefully. "You owe him that, if nothing else, surely?"
I sighed. "I know. It's just… I said some pretty harsh things to him."
Ianto squeezed my arm. "He'll understand, I'm sure. You reacted like most people would have, but when you consider what he's done, I think there's something you haven't taken into account."
"What?"
"The Doctor isn't human."
***
I'd persuaded Ianto to come back to the Hub with me. Even if he just stayed upstairs while the Doctor and I talked, I felt better knowing he was near.
As we walked through the rain-soaked streets, Ianto with a thick woollen coat over his t-shirt and holding a huge black umbrella over the both of us, I began to realise that Ianto was right.
I had been shocked and disappointed by discovering what the Doctor had done, but I had been seeing it from a human's point of view. I didn't know enough about Time Lords to know what quirks of their behaviour were deemed acceptable within their society, and what weren't.
The Doctor had spent enough time around humans to pick up some of the local customs, slang and behavioural characteristics. But I was pretty sure by now that, despite appearing somewhat eccentric at times, a lot of the things he did and said were merely his own imitations of the actions of those around him. The Doctor did his best to blend in, to avoid making his friends feel uncomfortable.
But the Doctor wasn't, as Ianto had so wisely pointed out, human. And sometimes I think I forgot that.
However, human or not, the Doctor had feelings. I thought about how anxious I'd made him, and never mind how he'd felt at my spurning his, let's face it, sweet advances towards me. Whether those advances were real, or borne out of an attempt to repay me, I suppose I could have been a little kinder.
At least all the Doctor had done was appear confused and disappointed. The last time I'd rejected somebody's affections, they'd shot me dead with a couple of machine guns.
Maybe this time, I could explain why I had reacted the way I had. Apologise for how I'd handled the situation, at least.
Also, I was a little worried about what had happened as I left. The TARDIS had thrown some kind of fit. There had been real fear and panic in the Doctor's eyes, and all I'd done was ignore his pleas and turned my back on him. I should never have done that, no matter what the circumstances. As we reached the Hub, I felt a pang of regret, and more than a little worry.
I hadn’t really stopped to wonder how the Doctor, in his confused and vulnerable emotional state, might react to what had happened between us once I'd left him alone.
I turned to Ianto as he shook off his umbrella.
"I'm gonna go straight down and make sure he's okay. I might bring him up here, for some tea. Will you be okay with that? You won't try to seduce him or anything, will you?" I gave him a small grin. Fraught circumstances or not, I couldn't resist teasing him a little.
Ianto flapped his folded-up coat at me admonishingly.
"Go. Tell him you're sorry for being such an insufferable prat."
I headed towards the stairwell to the basement storage areas at almost a run.
A few moments later, as I reached the final few steps down into area 5B, I realised that something was wrong.
It was dark down there. Pitch black, in fact.
Not wanting to waste time going back upstairs to switch on the lights, I fumbled for my torch. As I reached the final step, I realised why it was so dark and suddenly felt a terrible sense of foreboding. Usually, there was a dim light emanating from inside the Police Box, enough to see by, at least.
But as I swept the beam of the torch along the ground where the tall blue box had previously been standing, all I could see now was the faint impression of a large square; a slightly lighter patch where a month's worth of dust had been unable to gather.
I leaned back against the damp stone wall and closed my eyes.
The TARDIS had gone.
To be continued
Author's Notes: Another Doctor-lite episode I'm afraid, although he's certainly there in spirit.
The coral under the heat lamp on Jack's desk is canon (it's really there, go look) but Ianto's flat (apartment) is entirely made up. (Hey TW producers: everybody else's flat/house gets shown, why not Ianto's?)
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
>> Chapter Ten
>> Chapter Eleven
>> Chapter Twelve
>> Chapter Thirteen
>> Chapter Fourteen
>> Chapter Fifteen
>> Chapter Sixteen
>> Chapter Seventeen
>> Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Nineteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight